connecting
Hi all,
I shared this with another partner of an ADD person and she suggested I shared it here. It's about the ADDer not actually connecting with you when you think they are, and the confusion this can bring.
My partner is undiagnosed ADD but neither of us realised this until a few months into the relationship. In the early days I thought my darling hyperfocussing man was with me all the way - but soon things became a little strange and it became obvious to me that he just wasn't always there with me when I thought he was!
So we talked about it and because he wants this relationship to work as much as I do we together decided on a strategy, which I have applied a few times, and here it is;
When he is disconnected from me in a close situation I look him in the eyes, put my hand over his heart, and say to him 'I am touching your heart'. He then puts his hand on my heart and looks at me too. It gives him a physical and emotional jolt and brings him into the present moment.... for a moment at least :-)
Do you have some strategies that you have tried? Care to share?
Good making your acquaintance :-)
Tids
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Great Idea
You have a great idea for what I think of as a "positive refocus" and it works in part because your partner agrees with it.
I have a different one with my husband - if he seems to be getting off on a tangent and losing me and everyone else in the room, I have a signal I give him. Now that he knows that I'm just cuing him, he thinks this is okay. Back when he thought I was trying to harass him or cut in on him, it didn't work so well!
Melissa Orlov
Thats interesting Melissa,
Thats interesting Melissa, that there's a name for what we came up with! Yes it works because we both agree on it, but even more so, because we both came up with it together.... finding creative solutions together is important, and fortunately comes naturally to both of us when need demands.
Cueing your husband is good too, but with my partner it needs to be very directly physical as well as verbal or visual.... preferably all three!
I am learning :-)
Great Idea
You have a great idea for what I think of as a "positive refocus" and it works in part because your partner agrees with it.
I have a different one with my husband - if he seems to be getting off on a tangent and losing me and everyone else in the room, I have a signal I give him. Now that he knows that I'm just cuing him, he thinks this is okay. Back when he thought I was trying to harass him or cut in on him, it didn't work so well!
Melissa Orlov
Yeah! its really great.
Yeah! its really great. Strategies is must in every thing, I too want to share few things which may help:
# Talk with your spouse about ADD. If you have ADD, let them know what areas you struggle with and how they might be able to help. If your spouse has ADD, let them know what areas you are finding most difficult to deal with. Let them know what you love about their ADD characteristics and what you need help coping with.
# Determine what behaviors you would most like to change. If you have ADD, ask your partner for help or support in changing one behavior that seems to be interfering with the relationship. If your spouse has ADD, talk about which behavior seems to be causing the most strife and work together to find a solution.
# Keep communication open. It doesn’t matter how you may communicate with each other, as long as communication is honest and sincere. There are couples that find communication easier when speaking with each other on the phone. Others may find communication is best after the children have gone to bed, the television is turned off and you can both give one another your undivided attention. Other couples may find communication easier by writing notes or going out someplace together. Whichever way works for you, find a time at least on a weekly basis, to connect with one another.
# Make use of your kitchen calendar and check it each day to be sure you are not forgetting something that is important to your partner.
# Use a chalkboard or a whiteboard to write communications on days you seem to just be passing each other. Some days are filled with so many activities it is hard to connect for more than a moment or two. Write notes to yourself or to your spouse on what needs to be completed and when.
# Look at your household chores and determine if they are divided according to each person’s strengths. For example, if one partner is more organized, then their chores should reflect that. If the other spouse has a difficult time sitting still, their chores should be those that require more movement. Using your own strengths to divide chores will increase the chances of sticking to them and completing them. The unwanted chores will also have a better chance of being completed if you know that they have been divided based on your own personality and characteristics.
# Choose to see the good. Compliment your spouse or partner often, but do so sincerely. Look for what they are doing well. Let them know you notice and appreciate their effort. Although sometimes this feels awkward at first, you will find that it becomes natural as you begin to use this tactic more often and your spouse responds to your positive reinforcement by being positive back.
# Set aside time to spend together. Make a date to go out for the evening. Find someone to watch the children and take a ride together. Make a list of things that you both enjoy and spend some time each week on one of those things. Make sure your partner knows that you are also willing to do some of the things they enjoy, just because you want to spend time with them. Appreciate and enjoy each other’s company.
http://www.healthcentral.com/adhd/adult-adhd-39458-5.html