Both partners have ADHD
Posted March 13th, 2008 by demingrefugee
I have troubles! My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated as a child. I know many many people who have the disorder, and all of them are married to someone who "balances them out". Which brings me to my problem; I'm pretty sure I have it too. Although I'm very intelligent, I'm extremely forgetful, can't remember to do the simplest tasks that everyone else can manage, I'm a poor listener, I get loud and rambunctious in social settings (to the annoyance of others), I'm scattered, disorganized, messy, wound up, have too much energy and trouble sleeping, I procrastinate, I'm always late, I'm bored easily, I lose things all the time, I forget to pay bills...the list goes on and on.
The trouble is twofold: one, what are you to do when you, as someone who can literally forget where they put their keys and not find them for another three days (IN HER PURSE!!)...what are you to do when you're the ORGANIZED element in the relationship?
Second, my husband seems to think that since I have never been diagnosed, his difficulties are somehow "worse" than mine and I feel like he uses it as an excuse to put all the work on me. Because, according to him, I'm "better at it" than he is. But the thing is, I'm NOT. It's sooooo hard, it's overwhelming, and I've tried to get across to him that, NO, actually it does NOT come naturally to me. I have to work very hard at it. I have endless lists, calendars, notes, post its, phone alarms, reminder systems and organizational techniques. And I still flake quite often. I need help. His help. And support. But I'm frustrated because when I try to get him to use any of these methods, he seems uninterested or acts like I'm just nagging or trying to control him or tell him what to do. Even if I ask politely or make suggestions, or ask that he do something immediately instead of putting it off and forgetting..(don't worry I don't say that!), he gets defensive. These things help me, and he's so unresponsive to even trying them. I feel like it's because it's easier to just put the responsibility on me even though it's too big a burden for me. He won't even learn how to set a reminder on his phone. If he needs to be reminded about something, he'll ask me to write a note. Why can't HE write it? I don't know, but if I don't write it, he won't write it, and then he won't remember and I'm inconvenienced just because he can't get up and write a note for himself! So I end up writing it for him. It's things like this that are so frustrating. On the one hand, I UNDERSTAND what he's going through to an extent because I have similar difficulties, but I'm really distressed by his lack of willingness to try any coping methods. Sometimes I feel like it IS an excuse for him. How can I get him to participate equally in managing our lives and his ADHD?
Technorati Tags:
Help! This site is making me wonder if I have ADHD too!
After reading all the posts from non-ADHD partners, I'm confused. What's all this about having a clean and organised house? We don't, and it's definitely my fault as much as my husband's. (He is Mr Mom, I work full time in IT, currently from home.)
Are there any other non-ADHD partners out there who feel disorganised and forgetful? I certainly do. I have used calendars, diaries, and computer reminders my whole life to help me keep my life on track - before I met my husband. What's funny is that all my friends (used to) think I was terribly organised - but never neat and tidy (some of my girl friends used to come over and help me do the dishes when I lived in a share-house with all males - they seem to be naturally untidy like me)
I never had any trouble at school (in fact I was a straight A student) or work (always appreciated by my managers), apart from making new friends when I changed schools in Year 8. I went through university, including a year of work experience, in Computer Science/Software Engineering - in the top 5% of the class. I've been married to my darling hubby for 10 years last November, and he was diagnosed a few months before then (and 8yo son a few months before him.)
As a result of the stress of undiagnosed ADHD before last year, I've developed depression and anxiety, which of course have worsened my normal forgetfulness/disorganisation. When I'm out of my normal routine, I tend to forget things. For example, one day I managed to lock my baby daughter in the car at the gas station, while my husband was also out of the car.
I think you have to have ADHD in more than one environment - so if these symptoms only affect my every day life, I don' t see that I have ADHD. But my hubby wonders sometimes.
Pseudo ADD
It could very well be that you don't have ADD, but a case of a very busy life. And GOOD FOR YOU for not worrying about whether or not your kitchen is perfectly clean. There are lots and lots of things that are more important than a clean kitchen!
Dr. Hallowell wrote a book for people just like you called "CrazyBusy: Overstretched, Overbooked and About to Snap!" that you'll probably enjoy. In addition, we send out free weekly emails with tips about being less CrazyBusy if you want them. To sign up for those, as well as our free newsletter about all sorts of stuff (and frequently about ADD issues) go to the main Hallowell web site at www.drhallowell.com and join the mailing list.
I'm with you on the depression and anxiety. I slowly crept into depression trying to deal with my hubby's undiagnosed ADD. It was really hard, and really really depressing...and my doctor finally gave me some antidepressants which helped quite a bit for a couple of years until the two of us could get ourselves into a better place. Among other things, the anitdepressants helped me "let things go" rather than obsess about them (like why he wasn't doing things I thought he should.) This took quite a bit of pressure off of him, which also helped the general tonality of our relationship...
Don't mistake me, I'm not advocating antidepressants as a response to ADD, but I am suggesting that depression is a serious disorder in its own right and if you think you are clinically depressed and anxious, you should do something about it. (By the way, one of the great ways to treat both is to do an hour of aerobic exercise about 4 times a week.)
Melissa Orlov
Thanks!
Thanks for your personal response, and the good news is I am getting on top of the anxiety / depression now. I think we've pinned it down to Generalised Anxiety Disorder. I'm taking medication and going to counselling, which is wonderful :) I hope to get on top of all this over the next 12 months or so. No rush :)
Both partners have ADHD
OH, do I hear you on that one!
Whenever I've asked (kind and smart and otherwise excellent) DH to do more work around the house, his reply is, "make me a list." Which, when related, doesn't sound too troubling -- but the list never gets anywhere near completed (and I really do try to not make them too long). The bigger thing that bothers me about it, though, is that it's hard enough for me to keep myself on task and remember to handle all the things I need to manage, and now I'm supposed to be responsible for his list, too? O_o
You should strongly consider visiting a doctor for a 'real' diagnosis. When I finally did, I was surprised at how liberating it was and easier to work on learning how to drive this racecar properly than trying to make it run the bus route!
Two ADD People Together
First, don't get distressed about both of you having ADD. There are other couples out there who are like you, too.
Whether you both have ADD or one of you do, this issue is actually pretty much the same - how are you going to make day-to-day life function?
The good news is that you should both have some semblence of empathy for each others' predicaments, and I hope that might be easier to laugh at the stupid stuff (like losing your car keys) than it might otherwise be. The bad news is that your house might not be very organized. Okay, that's not the end of the world..provided you manage to get your bills paid and that everyone in the household is safe and happy.
Sounds right now, though, as if you aren't happy, because you are in that time when you are figuring out - okay, just HOW IS this going to work? First, tell your spouse (nicely!) two things: 1.) Whether or not you have a diagnosis has no bearing whatsoever on the severity of your ADD. An expert on this topic (me) says so! 2.) ADD isn't an excuse for him to get you to do stuff for him. He has to figure out how to be responsible on his own. He might choose to do it in a way that is uniquely his own and that's okay (for example, he might carry a small recorder around with him and note things he needs to do - the "list" - on a recorder, then play it back). But when he gives you his stuff to do he also, always, gives you a ton of resentment...not healthy for his marriage. He's giving you stuff to do that is just as hard for you as it is for him. No fair!
So, here are some ideas:
There's more, but I'll stop there for the time being.
Melissa Orlov
both partners with adhd
I am so glad to be reading the most recent comments. Melissa , your advice on 3/31 about making certain to prioritize exercise in our lives rings true with me. I haven't worked out for two weeks and I can see the negative effects. I am so behind at my job with things that are due yesterday and the closing of the school year that I found myself in a most negative mood for the past two days that has my husband is ready to pack up and leave and I was going to help him. I began counting how many people in my life I trust, which amounted to four people and didn't include my husband. Then on and on with the self pity and life sucks. Exercise is like my sleeping pill and for the last two weeks my sleep has been one giant dream of being asked to do this and that over and over and over. Even an anti-anxiety med didn't stop my brain from the nightly ruminations but the little bit of exercise I squeezed in yesterday morning did help some.
We have been asked to train for a 5K at work by a teacher's husband who is a personal trainer. I'm signed up whether or not I make the run, I need this.
Yes, and please continue the forum on both partners with adhd.
Two ADD People Together and then some....
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary to my husband. We have ADD and two adult children with ADD. Every time I hear my therapist of four years, say its a miracle we are all still together, it gives me validation that sometimes we do something right.
It has been a hard journey and we have come to the fork in the road where we are asking ourselves "is it worth it anymore"?
For me , its truly about being in the moment because I have no control,nor knowledge of what lies ahead. And being in the moment is one of the hardest yet most satisfying way to live that I have found and actually have put into use. We used to laugh alot more about things that people with that ADD slant of looking at life have. I think that's something I'm going to give myself and my husband as an anniversary gift today, in this moment.
Post anniversary gift to self
I was talking with a researcher the other (Dr. Arthur Aron) day about connection in relationships. I'll be writing more about this later, but at this moment I have a suggestion for an additional anniversary gift to give yourselves:
Find something that you both think would be exciting and a little bit edgy for you (as in not too safe) and go do it. It may well bring you closer.
Melissa Orlov
Both partners ADHD in a marriage
My husband and I and at least one of our two children have ADD. Both he and I are taking meds which is a good thing. I wanted to ask if you could continue to address this issue when the two adults are trying to survive in a marriage with the struggles that ADD brings. We get so caught up in the moment of dealing with two teenagers and one with anxiety and ADD. The one without finds it impossible to listen to the struggles of his sister and cannot understand how I could forget to take a video back to the store even though it is on my lap! Many other examples exist as you can imagine and my request here is how to find motivation when we all are misunderstanding each other and reacting to situations. I have had advice through the years that structure is a good thing for kids with ADD and I agree, but find it impossible to keep up with and keep myself and everyone else on target. I try to not expect perfection and yet sometimes I would like to feel that we are moving ahead and in the right direction.
Structure
Once a therapist suggested writing things down in a calendar. So simple but it helped create structure for my ADHD husband and myself. We would buy new Far Side calendars each year and have it on the kitchen counter next to the phone and would write every appt., bill due, etc. It was wonderful for us. But as soon as our son left for college we stopped and I haven't been able to get a grip on things. I do use a pocket calendar and my husband has put a whiteboard up in the kitchen but I'm still disorganized. I think it was the need to take care of the kids that was the glue to our family structure. I have become a "Keep It Simple " freak and am slowly , and I mean slowly weeding out the distractions in my life and have a goal now to get organized just enough so I can take care of me and what's important in this lifetime. But it's a long journey for certain.
2 ADD Adults
I think that this topic deserves a blog post, and will get on it. In the meantime, how old is your non-ADD child? Maybe it's time to start educating him about both the struggles, and the joys, of ADD.
Melissa Orlov