Why Your Husband's ADD is Different from Your Child's
Posted April 14th, 2008 by MelissaOrlov
If you have both a spouse and a child with ADD, there are some important differences between how you will naturally want to interact with them – differences that can really hurt your relationship with your spouse if you aren’t aware of them.
Like many parents, my firsts experience with a diagnosis with ADD came through my child. My approach was to help her, in any way I could. I learned everything I could about ADD, talked with her (very good) doctor, worked with her school to make sure she got the assistance she needed there. At her doctor’s recommendation, we let her make the decision about whether or not to take medications (she didn’t want to for about 2 years, until school got harder). I spent lots of time sitting with her while she did homework, trying to keep her focused, and even more time directing her life.
One of the benefits of a childhood diagnosis of ADD is that you and your child often feel as if you are “making progress” – in part because kids naturally change and move forward as they grow up. This provides positive reinforcement for the parent who helps the child. “Okay, it was a struggle, but look what she can do now!” you think. Another benefit is that kids naturally listen to what their parents have to say (at least when they are younger). For the most part, they are interested in being in your good graces. One of your jobs, as parent, is to set structure for your child, and ADD kids in particular need that structure – welcoming it.
When your child struggles with the symptoms of ADD, your heart goes out to her. You ache for her, and wish that she would have an easier time of it. You are also ready to celebrate every victory that comes her way in obvious and noisy fashion. In short, you “parent” your child – overtly and protectively.
But, the things that you do to support your child are usually not good for your marital relationship. Your spouse does not generally want you to run his life, nor does he look to you for wisdom and, after a while, if you’ve been fighting over ADD symptoms, he’ll be so mad he won’t give a fig about what you think of him!
There are some pretty important differences between parenting a child with ADD and being married to a spouse with ADD that you should be aware of. First, adults don’t have the same forward growth momentum that helps enable changes in your child. Your spouse is already pretty fully developed and change comes from hard work, not getting a year older. This means that your ADD spouse seems more prone to get “stuck” and do things over and over again than your child (which is just the opposite of what you would expect – you expect the adult to be able to progress, and the child to get stuck). Non-ADD spouses tend not to take into account just how hard it is to make big changes as an adult, particularly when they are simultaneously observing the progress a child is making.
Second, it is your job to “parent” your child. Your child expects this, and so do you. This makes both of you in tune with your role. However, it is your job to “romantically support” your spouse. He does not expect you to parent him, and will likely resent it if you do. Furthermore, if you parent your spouse you will lose the romance of your marriage, as it’s almost impossible to be sexually attracted to a parent figure. Instead of being in tune, you'll find that accusations of "you've changed" will ring out if you start trying to "manage" your husband's ADD.
Third, while you “ache” for your child’s failures, frustration with lack of “progress” in your spouse more quickly leads to anger that your full grown spouse can’t do better. This not-so-subtle difference is communicated clearly through your actions and tone of voice to your spouse, who comes to think that you don’t like him. For a non-ADD spouse, it’s much harder not to take the ADD symptoms personally when they are exhibited by an adult “who should know better” than by a child who is “still learning”.
So here’s what I want you to do:
- Recognize that you can’t “parent” your spouse’s ADD in the same way you do your child’s
- Make sure you keep romance alive, or if it’s already dying, make it a top priority to put some special, lighthearted moments back into your love life
- Recognize that change is harder for your spouse than your child, and applaud all forward progress
- Resist all and every temptation to run your spouses’ life. If you are upset with how you are relating to each other, clarify your expectations and then act on them without controlling your spouse (more on this in my next post)
- In spite of the natural tendency to want to smooth life out for your child first and foremost, put your spouse’s needs and struggles first. This is critical for the stability of your family, and will ultimately be far more helpful for your child than just about anything else you could do for her.
Technorati Tags:
Needs
I'm reading the article and some of the responses, and thinking to myself that some of the problems people have are because of their needs and expectations. If you know your partner is disorganized and flighty, then well...if you love them, then you just love them. That doesn't always mean that you should live with them, or expect to wave a magic wand and suddenly they'll become traditional husbands.
You're talking about non typical people, so you should be considering non typical relationships. If you don't want the kind of relationship that a person with a particular level of ADD can offer, then just don't get into it.
I recently dated a guy with ADHD. He's 27, and functioning fairly well. He can't drive and "sux at the maths" but is a great guy. We broke up because of certain incompatibilities, but were it not for that, I would gladly commit to him.
I wouldn't however, expect him to be a traditional husband. He can hold down a job, but I know I'd have to manage the bills and whatnot. If he doesn't like that then it's just tough.
See, I'm a very independent woman. I take care of myself, and don't want to be the nanny to a grown man. He doesn't want or need a nanny. So I'm not about to start micromanaging his life or let us get into trouble, for the sake of faking a traditional relationship.
I would love him even if he never lives with me. Kids might inspire me to move in with him, but even so, there would have to be clear rules about what's his responsibility, and what's mine. If he starts to resent me for that then well, he can find the door well enough. So can I.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you love the person, love the person. Don't assign them a function. Just love them.
I get very tired of how much
I get very tired of how much emphasis gets put on what I should do as the non-ADD spouse. It is exhausting to have a spouse with ADD. The biggest difference between an adult and a child with ADD is that you expect the adult to act like an adult -- control their impulses, be considerate of others by being timely, pay bills on time, etc. If the person with ADD is unable to do these things, then they need to accept help, not fight it. Someone in a marriage needs to hold down a job, pay the bills, fix the leaky plumbing. When the ADD spouse is too inconsistent to do so, at least they need to be appreciative of the person who steps forward to attend to the daily chores of living. If I'm not controlling, then my life spins out of control. The reason my spouse was attracted to me in the first place is I could manage daily life and he couldn't. So instead of resenting me and fighting it and saying I'm too controlling, I want to hear that he's willing to step up to his adult responsibiliites so I can let go of some of the control and know that he won't drop the ball.
I can empathize!!!
What you are saying sounds a lot like my situation. My husband wants to be in charge but all chaos ensues! We are always paying late charges on bills because he refuses to let me handle them(I now have the worst credit a person can have!)! Our children have no schedule because of his impulsiveness(ie. deciding to pop a movie in after bed time and inviting them to join in, etc.)! He is forever making promises to me and the kids that rarely become a reality! Others are always complaining to me about his lateness, disregard, and unreliability! I have to lie about doctor appointment times to get him there but sometimes this backfires!LOL He seems to run around in circles all day! He has unfinished projects galore, mostly being things we really needed done ages ago and have paid the price for dearly! Learning about his ADHD has helped me understand his behavior but it is still overwhelming to live with! My husband will not even admit that he has ADD or ADHD so he has been unwilling to learn about it. I never call it a disorder but look at it more like an extreme personality type. I feel like I am always trying to make things better for him but get nothing in return! I feel like I have to always be the responsible one while he just flits around having fun! I would love to be able to sit back and do something fun with my kids but I feel like I am constantly picking up the pieces! We have been blessed that he has a boss who understands ADHD(her own child has it) and is more flexible with him and better able to cope with his behavior! If he shows up late(more often than not!) or gets distracted on the job he just stays later. I just wish he would look into the possibility of ADHD and try to develop some coping skills! But I guess the old adage is right, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink! My biggest setback is I just don't know anyone who really understands what it is like living with an ADD spouse that can relate with me. I am now pregnant with our fifth child and these hormones don't make it any easier to cope with the chaos!!! I think I really need to work on keeping a sense of humor in it all!
Fifth Child Coming
I would venture to say that ANY family with that many kids would be a bit wild and crazy! Sounds as if you need some support. You are empathetic to your husband's situation, but his refusal to consider that he might have ADD may indicate that he thinks you think ADD is a negative.
The most important question for you to ask yourself right now is, in the face of child #5 being on the way, what happens if your husband doesn't do anything different in the future? Are you okay with that, or do you see yourself leaving the marriage?
If the answer is the former, then I might start a very low-key campaign focused around the single trait that most gets in your way, without labeling it part of ADD. So, if you need him to pay more attention to you, for example, then I would start hiring a sitter more often and going out on some dates.
If your answer is the latter, then it may be time for a calm, but serious conversation about your feelings about his symptoms (again, I think I would stay away from the ADD label at this point). In this situation, what matters most to you is that he address the symptoms that most bother you (and you let go of those that bother you less...this will help!) You don't care how he does it (though he will likely be more successful if he comes to terms with ADD and starts to learn all of the "tricks and tips" that others before him have learned and can share).
With four/five kids, you need to be in a position where you don't always feel as if "I am always trying to make things better for him but get nother in return! I feel like I have to always be the reponsible one while he just flits around having fun". That's a recipe for long-term disappointment and disconnection. Perhaps you should consider seeing a counsellor before things get worse.
If you decide to do that, make sure to pick someone that a.) knows ADD and b.) he is comfortable with.
Melissa Orlov
Whereas I completely agree
Whereas I completely agree with your assessment of the child vs. spouse relationship in dealing with ADD/ADHD, my experience was damned if I did, damned if I didn't. I didn't recognize my husband had ADHD until our daughter was diagnosed with it 5 years ago. Suddenly the things that drove me crazy about him and were also hurtful, came into context of his ability to deal with them. I began to understand his actions or nonactions and stopped taking them personally. I let him know he was still accountable for managing his life, regardless, which was a release for me. However, in doing this, we suffered some serious financial issues in my allowing him to take care of things that were his responsibility. He really was resentful when I was micromanaging his life, yet when I stopped, he appreciated it until it meant I didn't clean up his messes for him and he was still resentful. Thus the damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. It is really a Catch-22 situation, living with a spouse and a child with ADD. So, again, I agree that a spouse shouldn't be parented, but you need to be prepared to suffer some irritating to serious consequences by stepping back as well as resentment either way you go.
ADHD Husbands
I've always wondered about ADD with my husband because our son has the inattentive type. He too, will start projects many times and not finish them. Our house is full of them. Has anyone had the problem where they continuously try to deliberately annoy you? For instance, I'm in school right now and study mostly during the daytime when the kids are at schoool. My husband is laid off from his job so he is in school as well. As I sit at the computer and he at the couch both studying, he will yell out sexual phrases or words or sounds that don't make any sense at the top of his lungs becuase he know it irritates me. By the way, he's 37 years old. I know this sounds hilarious, but it's very annoying day after day. And, it's too embarrassing to bring up to anyone I know. Also, does anyone else deal with the constant demands for sex and the continuous picking up of their house after their husbands? Sometimes I feel my husband is trying to drive me insane so I'll divorce him because he wants out of our marriage and doesn't want to be the one to blame when it's all said and done.
At the heart of Adult ADD
The two of you get to the very heart of the issues of adults with ADD. Yes, you expect that an ADD adult is supposed to be able to do all this stuff because they are adults. But frequently, adults who were not diagnosed as children never learned the "tricks" to getting things done that non-ADD folks take for granted. Here are some examples:
These are pretty straightforward tasks for the non-ADD adult. Yet they are straightforward because they are things that we all learned as we were becoming adults. People with ADD are generally distracted enough that they often haven't picked them up. They have to learn them as adults, and they have to be motivated by something to learn them (vs. just bumbling along and letting others pick up after them, which is sometimes how they survived up until this point). Best case scenario is that they are motivated because they want to improve their life and the lives of those around them.
Just as one can't just throw a non-swimmer into a pool and expect them to suddenly swim just because they are an adult, you can't just say to an ADD adult "now you need to keep yourself organized" and expect it to happen. To do so ignores the fact that first they need to learn the steps in staying organized.
As for resentment about not cleaning up messes - sure, if you were used to having someone clean up your messes, and in fact had married that person for their willingness to clean up their messes, you would be resentful that they suddenly changed their mind about it. That doesn't mean the resentment is justified. A non-ADD spouse should not be primarily a mess cleaner-upper, but this topic needs to be addressed carefully.
There are two reasons I spend so much time talking to non-ADD spouses about their roles on this blog. First is that I am a non-ADD spouse, so I have a good bit of insight into what that feels like. Second is that I have seen first hand the results of various ways of dealing with a spouse with ADD (we tried many, many approaches) - and can tell you without doubt that some simply don't work. What does work is coming to an unemotional agreement about what your relationship should look like, and then making it that way. Believe it or not, the emotional triggers in many of these relationships are controlled by the non-ADD spouse, not the ADD spouse. This sounds counter-intuitive, hence my focus on non-ADD spouse reactions.
It sounds as if you've made good progress in backing away, but perhaps need to express your own expectations better so that you don't end up resentful, but happy. Pick small things, or maybe one big thing (such as "I would like to feel as if you pay more focused romantic attention on me") and work on that. Something that makes you feel better than neutral (which I may be misinterpretting here - perhaps you are feeling happy?)
You might also see if your husband is open to learning some of the skills that he needs to be able to be a better partner - whether those are organizational, in the area of delagation, in focusing on you more romantically, or somewhere else. A coach might be able to help.
Melissa Orlov
Living with a spouse and children with ADHD and ADD
I am married to a man who has ADHD and ADD. He has five children three of which who have ADHD and ADD. I have two children from a previous marriage and we do not have ADHD or ADD. We are truely out of our eliment. Four of his children come over at least three to four times a month. When they come over our household is turned upside down. There is garbage every where, clothes all over the place and they appear to have no respect or care about it all. In addition to all of this my husband is worse because he lives here. There is no brake. As soon as we (my children and I) up he and/or his children come behind us and distroy everything that we cleaned. We feel used and discarded. It as if we feel as unappreciated and resentment towards his children.
I now am understanding that it is not thier fault but we have a small home and keeping it clean is a priority for me. What are some positive things that I can do to help my children, my step children, my husband and my sanity?
Staying Sane
It isn't that they can't help it, it's that people need to understand that to make the effort to stay neat may take extra effort and different types of strategies to do better. (See my post on using ADHD as an excuse).
I would talk with your husband and figure out, between the two of you, what some good approaches might be to this issue. Perhaps you can draw the line for specific areas - for example, in our house I tell my kids that their rooms can be as messy as they like, but they need to help keep the shared areas picked up. If they don't, I remind them to pick up (rather than always do it myself) and require that they do it before going off to do other things (which is good motivation). Garbage, if it really is garbage like banana peels, drying OJ, etc. would not be okay anywhere. When I come across it, I immediately find the child in question and ask them to stop what they are doing and take care of it. They aren't very fond of having to stop what they are doing, and so as they have gotten older they have started to think ahead a bit about this.
You need your husband's support on the basics, since his kids are your stepkids, and you don't want to start a "my family vs. your family" war. If you don't want to be the reminder person, sit down with your husband first (so he doesn't feel blindsided) and then as a family and discuss why this is important. Tell them you understand that it is hard for them, but that you will support any and all efforts that they make to figure out what system they will use to remind themselves to do better when they are in your house. Make sure that they know you love them, and that you hope that they love you, too, but that part of loving people is respecting them and their behavior doesn't show respect and makes you feel bad and "used" and that this shouldn't be a part of any family dynamic.
Kids are often unaware of how their behavior affects others, even when they don't have ADHD, particularly if they haven't been "trained" (wrong word, but I can't think of the right one at this moment!) to be thoughtful of others. Eventually, they will benefit from both your rules and your support. Just keep in mind that some of their tactics for solving the problem may sound weird to you. Let them try them, anyway, and experiment until they find something that works for them.
Various ideas might include: morning or evening "review" of key areas before kids can go out; assigning one kid per day as the overall pick up kid (gives them an appreciation of what that task is like); assigning specific chores to specific kids with no allowance if it isn't done, or the addition of another chore; large reminder notes on fridge or doors; setting a "pick up time" for the entire family, say 5:30-6:00 right before dinner - make this fun, with music and the like; bonus points for all kids who clean up adequately that translate into something good, like an ice cream or new computer game...your imagination is the limit on tactics and ideas.
Best of luck with it!
Melissa Orlov
Even with Help--ADD Doesn't Completely Disappear
To all the non-ADD spouses reading this--thanks for loving your ADD spouses, from a single woman who wishes she had a spouse, ADD or non-ADD, who could understand.
Despite a master's degree in social work, medication, weekly therapy, supportive friends & family, and a very introspective, analytical mind that is hyperfocused on my behaviors and impact on others, ADD still plagues me.
And I'm afraid, really afraid, to show someone the ADD completely. Because I actually am not quite sure that I can get it all in control "enough" for someone.
So, again, thank you for loving your spouse. I by no means want you to stay with someone who is hurting you emotionally or physically but if they're just annoying please be patient and kind. And unfortunately I'd also suggest that you realize that even with therapy and medication and an awareness of ADD - ADD will not go away. I can commit to my friends that I'll work on one thing. And they tell me I am "pretty good" about working on the one thing and listening to feedback. But in my heart, I know I may never be able to work on all the things. This may be the case with your spouses with ADD ... they might be afraid they can't do it all. And most of the men I know don't see value in spending time on things they can't fix. So this creates an interesting challenge it sounds like you are all too familiar with. My suggestion? Acceptance if you really love the guy. Acceptance and a willingness to work on things slowly at a pace that they can handle. And maybe the ability to say you know it must be hard but you're willing to stick around and work on it if they'll just look at it one tiny step at a time.