Anger Management & ADHD?
Posted April 15th, 2008 by AshRae84
Forgive me if this has already been covered, I have read through the site, and haven't found anything that matches it. I am engaged to a man who was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age. He was initially put on medication, but later taken off of it. (The reasons I've been told were that he didn't function like a normal child at all *more like a zombie*, and he gained a substantial amount of weight on the medication.)
He is a great person, and I have no doubt that he has a beautiful soul, and wonderful heart. The problem is that at times when we fight, he basically "loses it." Last night, he attempted to choke me. So bad to the point that I tore skin off of his arm trying to get him off of me. This is the worst it has ever been. Most of the time he will start to grab me, or attempt to be physical, but then lets go, and backs off. This time, he didn't stop. Later, after the storm, I discussed it with him, and told him that he couldn't do that to me. It was not acceptable.
His father abused his mother, and stepmother, and I asked him if he felt that he did these things because he had experienced them as a child, but he said that when he does it to me, it's almost like he blacks out. He reaches a point where he's so furious that he doesn't even know what he's doing until it's too late.
He believes it is because of his ADHD that he does this. I don't want to leave him, and he doesn't want to lose me either. But I can't live my life being scared of my fiance (and eventually Husband).
I told him I think he should speak to a professional and see what his options are, and possibly look into anger management. He doesn't want to resume medication, as he gained close to 100lbs last time, and doesn't want that to happen again.
My question, I guess, is, Does ADHD cause such tremendous anger like this? And would an ADHD medication help, or what should we look into? I truly intend to stand by him, and he is willing to get help, I just don't know where to even begin...
A.R.
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Response from Dr. Hallowell
Your post was completely out of my league, so I asked Dr. Hallowell to respond to it. Here is what he wrote:
ADHD does not cause a person to strangle another person. Whatever goes into such an act we don't fully understand, but it is much more than just ADHD. Your fiance needs help, and needs help right away. If I were you, I would seriously consider moving out until he gets that help and until you and a qualfied expert agree that it is safe for the two of you to be together again. A qualified expert would be some mental health professional.
Your finace needs help for sure, but the immediate concern is your safety. You must take care of that first and foremost. Once you are safe--and as long as you are living with him in his current state you are not safe, in my opinion--then and only then can you work on getting him help. --- Help for him may indeed include medication, (and not medication that would make him gain weight). But it would most of all include education and counseling. He needs to develop insight into who he is and why he does what he does. Right now he sounds pretty clueless. That's dangerous. There is hope, for sure, but it begins with protection. Then, education. Then, therapy.
I (Melissa) would add to this that no matter how much you think you love this man, DO NOT marry him until he is fully straightened out. It's too dangerous for you.
Melissa Orlov
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your response. He has maintained that it is his ADHD, but I have questioned this myself, and am currently recommending he see a PCP who can then refer him to the proper specialists, and treatment methods. (Medication, Therapy, Anger Management, etc.)
I really appreciate you taking the time to help me in this situation.
What scares me the most is that even he doesn't seem to know why he does what he does. I, personally, don't have any psychiatric background (Unless you count my own personal visits with my therapist), but I've done my best at trying to at least just get him to talk about it. Trying to get to the core of the problem, with no avail.
He's more than willing to get the help he needs, and his physician will be our next stop.
Again, I thank you.
A.R.
For AshRae
I'm delighted that your fiance is considering seeing a doctor. Please, please, please make sure to keep yourself safe first and foremost. This means, unfortunately, moving out until his anger is sorted out, is likely your best bet.
Melissa Orlov
ADHD & anger
Just wanted to reply that you are SOOO not alone here. I, too have gone through the exact thing with my husband. Strangling, pushing, horrible words... Although I would like to say to go with your heart - I would first scream to follow your head. It will not stop without help, and to be honest may not stop even with help. The longer you stick around, the further and blurrier the exit route. I'm not saying to abandon the guy you love -- but do look out for yourself first in this, please! I am very interested that although this "uncontrollable" anger may not be a symptom of ADD or ADHD, we all ended up at this forum looking for insight/ advice. Maybe it is something deeper that often couples with ADHD, or is exaggerated by the ADHD?
adhd
I am experncing dang close to the same problem. Except Im married to him and we are seperated right now. I think there right if he loves you and don't want to hurt you he'll get some help. And DON'T marry him untill he does. Or live with him thats proble the motivation he needs. My husband had to darn near loose his family first. And might still depends on how this medication works. I toold my husband wouldn't it be worth it if all you had to do was take a pill everyday if we could get along? And ther so many different meds now for ADD/ADHD. We are tring a vitimin. omega 3 fish oil.
I don't feel safe...
If your fiancé says he blacks out in this state of intense anger.... it could be a psychotic episode. Nothing to do with ADHD. I'm not a professional in this area, but am married to an ADHDer that has a BA in psychology... so I understand living with someone with ADHD. I agree with the pros here - seek professional help immediately.
So, A.R., once you are safe,
So, A.R., once you are safe, maybe you should see a counselor. There are no coincidences in life. You've heard that women who live with abusive men return over and over or find other abusive men to be with. Break the chain, eh? Consider that you may need counseling.
Good luck.
ADHD With Anger
You aren't married yet right? RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! I married a man with ADHD with Anger. He used to man handle me too. It doesn't get better, it gets worse! Believe me, it isn't worth it no matter how much you think you love him. Yeah, yeah, yeah...he wants to get help. He wants to change. IT ISN'T LIKELY TO HAPPEN! He will always abuse you and he will always be sorry for it. You are in a dangerous situation.
think about YOUR future
AshRae84,
Is this ADHD? From the professionals that I have talked to, the violence is part of the high functioning autism. ADHD is on the autism spectrum, but often people with ADHD also have some aspects of autism, even though they are intelligent. WHATEVER IT IS, DO YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS IN YOUR LIFE?
Please take this recent incident as a warning sign. I agree with the other person who said "run away as fast as you can." FLEE. This sounds like a dangerous situation. If you continue with him, I fear that you will regret it.
No excuse
I have ADHD with really bad anger issues and i have had it my whole life and i to came from a home made in hell with a drunk mother that tried to kill me almost daily with beats and neglet from the age of 2 and up till she droped me on the the streets at age 5. and i have never taken me anger out on my wife ( grabbing her, and hurting her ) i have some yelled at her for no good reason but we are working though that problem with me taking more time to think before i open my mouth and meds so him choking you and useing his ADHD as an excuse is bull i think he need help and that you need to get out of there.