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by: J -
I've always called it "laser focus" which seems different than hyper focusin . I've heard the terms being fixated and/or locking, but those actually are detrimental to being a good defensive driver. Situational Awareness ( SA ) and diving skills ( experience ) and just enjoying driving in general. What's actually taught me to be a good driver in a car is from riding a motorcycle truth be told. And learning a number of driving skill sets including how to avoid perceptual anomalies. ( perception...>>> on Forum topic - Capacity, Hypervigilance and Fear
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by: Swedish coast -
I think what you’re doing - small kind gestures - are probably better than what I’m doing (sitting on my hands on loved lost one’s birthdays, avoiding them like the plague). Like you, my natural tendency is to care and let it show. I just can’t handle them, at all, so avoid them completely. Keeping out of touch is a recommended way to heal after trauma. Still it seems those who don’t lose contact, and can reshape their emotions for the loved one over time, might suffer less than I do. ...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
My ex is a very good and also safe driver. In some way ADHD distraction doesn’t seem to affect driving? I’ve wondered about this too.>>> on Forum topic - Capacity, Hypervigilance and Fear
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by: J -
But, It comes from a good place. I expect nothing from her. I have no future notions of ever getting back together ( absolutely not ) or wanting validation or repair from her in any way. Friendship is good with me, even within her limited capacity. ( on her terms ) Today is her birthday, and I struggled with the idea of dropping off something? Cards can carry am emotional component, especially when they're written by someone else! Even within what you said about keeping my distance....>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I feel for you. This must be hard. Defensiveness is something I’ve not ever been able to deal with in family members. If somebody hurts you, and there’s no way out of it for you except burying the hurt, or alternatively hurting ten times more from confronting them, that’s an unsustainable arrangement if you ask me. I’m trying to deal with this now through boundary setting and by revealing less personal information. But those strategies only have a chance to work since I don’t live...>>> on Forum topic - My AuDHD Story
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by: J -
Since I just came from a dual diagnosis relationship, both of us confirmed ADHD with other co-morbities involved. I can speak to our situation which might help answer your question. Having worked on my household chores and participation for many years before, I was well down this road in both self awareness and my skill sets in doing a reasonable job at doing my assigned duties. I walked in the door "armed and ready" to tackle this issue. From my male with ADHD perspective, I was kind of...>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Household Chores
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by: J -
is non acceptance. Expecting the same is acceptance. That's the key right there Swedish.>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: MsAuDHD -
How do you handle it when you have two ADHD people in the house? In particular, one winds up picking up all the slack and learning how to function because it has to be done but the other is the typical ADHD example above?>>> on Blog post - ADHD and Household Chores
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by: Swedish coast -
Read a good text from a woman who’d spent years explaining herself to and analyzing her mother in law. She’d poured her energy into this difficult relationship in hopes of being understood and accepted. Then finally she stopped trying. She went to family gatherings expecting the unpleasant remarks and derogatory attitude of her mother in law. She got the same comment about her hair, the same unfavorable comparison of her cooking to her sister in law’s. But it no longer meant so much,...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
This using animals to tell stories I've found is not only helpful for me, I'm actually having fun with it. This made me laugh, retelling this story to myself using these animal characters. I just remembered a memory from those crowd control days, it's a great story but also, it's the best example of winning the battle without a fight. Much better than myself the Honey Badger. LOL And if not for anything else, it's a great example of what true "strength and power " really is, both physically...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I think there can be several reasons for what you describe, perhaps it’s good she gets a work up. Are you worried? I hope you’ll be able to keep your distance to your X, since you’ve not fared well in contact with her? All the best, J.>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
I want to mentioned something that I recently brought up when I visited X recently and even before that. The urgent are trip she's still paying off, and these "mysterious " fainting spells and or, panic attacks she's experiencing. I'm not a doctor, but I do notice patterns. This sounds almost identical to what she described as a list of symptoms. She hasn't been fully tested so this is just me stabbing in the dark. Vasovagal syncope = a specific acute event sudden dizziness...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
One more thing to add....that Vagus nerve shutdown I just experienced. THAT....is what damm near killed me. If I had to go through that even one more time, I don't think this old body could take it. I mean, that wreaked havoc on my entire body and nervous system: heart, breating, my entire GI tract, sleep...the whole nine yards as they say. If anything, that's what I'm not willing to risk even one more time. J>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
I bought the book : The Body Keeps the Score...and am on this Chapter about developmental trauma. About half way through.... Without going through all I know about X and her entire growing up experience, this helps explain some of it to me, and about myself for that matter. We both experienced childhood trauma and that part is clear. Swedish, what you just said in part, is what I also concluded after writing all this yesterday. And I'm at this point myself for any relationship I might have...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m sorry about the incident with the predatory person and your ex. To me the situation seems to contain a lack of boundaries on her part, and this is really her responsibility. If the two of you welcome a guest to your home, she should signal your and her bond to the guest, so there is no question of how things are. If she doesn’t, that’s really on her. Humiliating, I’m sure. But really, in that position you can’t blame yourself, since it’s not you opening up for...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
You just did the equivalent of walking over the bridge to somebody else and looking at the view from their perspective… thank you. Yes, I feel fundamentally unsafe. Despite trying hard I haven’t been able to handle the behavior of ex, his family, my family or certain people at work. Neither do I understand them? They seem threatening and impossibly strange. I think you have a good point about the marriage being a catalyst, turning other relationships much worse than they were. A total and...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: honestly -
It sounds so difficult. You seem to be hyper vigilant and desperately self conscious- ie any slight infraction can lead to who knows what horrors. I hear you; I think I’ve been somewhere like that. I never felt safe. But it feels like I’m not there anymore and I do feel safe now, I’m trying to work out how that has changed. Obviously you are dealing with different people, a different history, and are not me, so the same process, even if it could be replicated, would not necessarily work. But it...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
Was from the feeling you know better, but did something anyway. In this case, the entire situation felt humiliating because I feel I could have have stopped it, but missed my chance. It's that feeling like you want a do over, to do it differently, but in this case, it's even more conflicted than that. I was feeling like, what I would normally do under any other circumstances ( like back in those crowd control days )...where I know/knew exactly what to do, but was helpless to do anything about...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I think you’re telling about an experience of extending yourself too far for someone and feeling humiliated? But sorry, I think I lost your train of thought a little?>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I did this at a lunch at my parents a few months ago. I brought no kids. I spoke only of positive or neutral things. What happens then is I become a more sophisticated person, more fun, and it seems like I have my life together. So then I think they assume my withdrawal from them is aggressive. I fear they will quietly punish me. In reality the withdrawal is self-preservation. My life is not together, I’m in pain and on the verge of burnout. But I can’t convey this in any way without risking...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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