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by: honestly -
You could just do less; you don’t have to cut people off; just show up as yourself, do what you feel comfy with, and they can like it or lump it. You then have to learn too that you have to like it or lump it yourself- can you accept yourself? Can you somehow find a way to please yourself? Because if you can life certainly gets more pleasurable. xx>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
here to let you know how much I understand so many things contained in what you just said. And because it's in my nature to say a lot, I'll try to say it from both, my ferel Adult ( Tarzan, the Noble Savage ) and my ferel child self in order to tell my story. I concluded, I can't tell the moral to the story unless I tell it?? Go figure? And to be completely open and honest, I'm struggling again myself and trying to resolve these feelings. And this is a really delicate subject so I don't want to...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
I’m afraid you’re right. Like you I seem to forever try to avoid criticism from difficult people (especially parents, even co-workers). It’s clear they will never accept my needs or emotions, no matter how much I do to meet theirs. Also I’ve internalized their demands. I no longer know what standards are mine. My ex complicated this. He originally was a breath of fresh air, much more relaxed than my high-achieving family and with other priorities. I was impressed with his social skills and...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
.>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: honestly -
So I’m out of the ADHD Relationship now for over a year and in that time I have come to the realisation that he is also (and I know this is boring and obvious but that doesn’t make it any less true) a straightup narcissist. Perfected outward self, horrifying other that emerged in the privacy of our relationship.And I’ve also come to understand that I have my own need to be ‘unassailable’ - hyper aware of my imperfections (real and fictional- the narcissistic parenting and partner helped with that),...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: honestly -
Yeah here in the UK it’s not crazy freestyle or anything like that - just swimming in nature rather than in a man made pool. Some things don’t immediately translate! Also we don’t have hot springs. The best we have is tepid. Which maybe explains the national character.>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
Thank you J for thinking with me. I enjoy the story of the Swedish lady and Bob! You’re so right, J. Having people over is great. It’s not supposed to exhaust the host. Only make guests relax, because they don’t need to be responsible for whatever you’ve prepared. That’s the point of hosting. The problem is hosting at somebody else’s house, if they want you to represent their intricate preferences perfectly, but are incapable of giving instructions. That’s asking a lot of...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
One thing that I did more recently, in figuring myself out, was to go back and understand why I did so terribly in math in school. I'm not a natural with computers or programming either. I'd make a bad IT Tech that has to figure trouble shoot programs and computers (drives me nuts sometimes ) I find word math problems especially exasperating! Sometimes, I just give up trying it's so difficult. Probability and Statistics was a nightmare class in college, a requirement for my degree. I was happy to...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
This hit my funny bone really hard ! Until I read after, what you actually meant by it which actually sounds fun! One of my favorite things is to find natural hots springs ( non commercialized...no structures built ) and go soak. I have several mapped put to explore...as we speak.>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: Swedish coast -
So kind of you. Last year kids and I celebrated with a divorced friend and her kids. It was nice, but both she and I were grieving, and both of us ended up rather shaken at the end of the day. Holidays tend to bring these emotions forward. I think your suggestion of leaving the kids for their grandparents and see if any of my friends are free to see only me, would be the best option. That could be a good day for everyone. I don’t know if you recognize this, but I have a constant...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: honestly -
I’m so sorry; that sounds utterly exhausting. It also sounds like my ex’s family. It always seems to be the one carrying the most who’s then expected to do more. It’s deeply unfair and negotiation certainly seems to be impossible. I am so sorry. Is there a third option? You do something else with friends? Or with kids? Or with friends and kids? Are there social groups you could join who’d give you some of what you crave and not expect you to carry all the executive load? ...>>> on Forum topic - Special days
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by: J -
I would be remiss, if I didn't share the life lesson this taught me. This, being the partial story of the pimp and the prostitute. The "Hustler". You could also call him a "salesperson", and she was the "influencer". Either way, the technique is the same. It's just what level your talking about and which "wares" they're selling or prontoming. Human nature doesn't change, it just depends if it's elicit or not? And "hustler " is still a good term to use. This isn't some new revelation in my own...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: J -
has a lot to do with this I think. This is a huge consideration for myself in my own experience. And I do forgive myself for what I didn't know. As a young teenager, I just loved music especially rock music at the time. I was chomping at the bit to go see my favorite bands perform, before I could even drive. So for me, walking inside these venues with friends, was like waking into another world and without besting around the bush, it was a vortex of illicit behavior like nothing I'd ever seen before....>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: J -
Off the Roller. I may have mentioned this long ago ( here ) but it's worth repeating. My father was a corporate executive in sales management over seeing a large territory of retail stores. This required him to travel regularly ( monthly ) as part of his work routine. He'd be gone for 10 days up to 2 or 3 weeks at a time. Typically, 10 days a month was standard. This was also the time ( after my sisters had moved out ) that my mom and I spent time together. When I say "time together", I mean we...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: honestly -
Your gut, your body, your heart. It's like MOST of you knows, but the brain is not quite able to tune in to what your body knows... I think it would be a really good idea spending some time letting yourself know and feel your feelings. Whatever else you do for yourself, sorry to say this, but if your son grows up in an environment in which he's obliged to prioritise someone else's feelings over his own, all the time, it's a recipe for long-term relational difficulties. I've seen my son go...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: J -
That's actually who I am.>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: J -
Thank you for your thoughtful and encouraging reply. There's so much food for thought here ( and the book recomedation ) that it definitely gives me pause for examination in multiple domains of my life. Before I say anything else, at this moment in time, I'm feeling the least anxiety I've just about felt than any other time in my life and I'm trying to figure out exactly why? You'd think, just the opposite would be true? And as far as the Jungle Book or even Tarzan story are concerned,...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: Swedish coast -
For me, there has been great confusion about my instincts and emotions in the ADHD marriage. That can also make adjustments around an ill spouse difficult. If I chose a partner based on early impressions, and stayed with them though they later morphed catastrophically, disappointed me and hurt me, what does that say about me? What did my bond to them, and the urge to have an intact family, do to my judgment? Or did I not understand what was happening? Or did I just deal with the ADHD badly,...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: Off the roller ... -
This for me, is the hardest thing to comprehend. I think my body and heart know it, but my brain isn't catching up and refuses to (for some reason and this is why I keep consistent therapy going). his health - physical and mental - 10000% affects me. Our son's as well. We are walking on eggshells everyday. Now that my spouse is home from the hospital, we are back on the eggs, but while he was gone... whoa, it was just lighter and easier and breathable. And manageable. My husband and I...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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by: Off the roller ... -
Thanks J, I've come to really enjoy your (albeit) lengthy posts on return as you definitely have some nuggets in there. First, would you believe I've never watched Jungle Book or have a recollection of it in the references you gave? I think I'll go back and watch it. But I also believe in the same that it 'takes a Village'...but with that, you have to BE a villager too. If you want a Village of support, you gotta serve and be that to someone/anyone else. I think you agree with that anyways, but...>>> on Forum topic - The body DOES keep the score
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