Recent Topics

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 1 week ago

    Well, I started the process of filing for divorce yesterday.  Every time I filled out a field in the form my heart broke more.  I am so sad that I can barely function.  This isnt what I wanted.  I did everything I could to stop this.  Even though I am the one pulling the trigger so to speak, I do so unwillingly.  I do so with the greatest and deepest sadness.  I paid the attorney, filled out the case questionaire, and from there they prep the docs, send over to me for approval then they file.  I would go to the moon and back to somehow change this before its final.  But I know it wont happen.  I know he has made his choice.  He had other options - but he didnt choose them.  I pulled the trigger - but it was his choice for me to do so.

    All thats left for me to do now is to clean up the mess.  He wont have too.  He will happily go on, easily moving in with his good friends and live the life of gaming and porn.  I am sure he will be surrounded by women who wont care, and who wont be around for long.  Thats ok.  Its his choice.  I will clean up the mess left behind, try to patch up whats left of my heart if there is anything left at all.  I will clean the house, feed the dogs, work every day and every night so that I dont have to think about any of this anymore.  I will pack the boxes, purge belongings, go to the grocery store, cook dinner for one, play with my dogs. 

    But right now - at this moment, its all I can do to breath.  Its all I can do to keep myself from falling apart... looking at the wreckage of my sacrifices so carelessly tossed aside.  It hurts so bad that I cant even focus my eyes anymore. Do I want this?  No.  Do I need this?  Yes.  I needed one of two things.  Either he commits and acts on the changes he promised and SHOWS me, or I needed to break my self apart from him and move on.  I let him choose what I got.  And so I need to learn to be happy with it.

    Its hard for me to not imagine how things will be for him once he moves.  How easy things will be for him.  He just shuts it away, an annoyance to be forgotten.  He was worried about what DVDs and Magic cards he was gonna get while I was filling out the lawyer's form.  He already has his priorities.

    I told him the sooner the better  - not because I want him gone, but because its too hard on me for him to be here.  I dont know how to look at him and not love him endlessly.  Even though anger and hurt clouds that - its still love that I feel.  I dont know how to not call him affectionate nicknames, or to tell him I love him.  I have been trying for a long time to not try and get his attention with anything I care about because I know what the reaction is - but I dont know how to stop WANTING to show him stuff.  I told him the sooner the better so that I dont ended up loosing my mind in grief.  I dont know how to hide it - which I do so that it doesnt affect him and his decisions.  I dont want pity. I know that somewhere down the line this wont consume my thoughts and emotions.  I know that maybe in a year or two, I wont want to cry as soon as I wake up and know that its all gone.  In the meantime, I will grieve the marriage and the man I loved, even though he didnt exist.  The one who promised me roses on random days and arms to fall asleep in at night. 

    I never wanted this, but I guess this is what is.  So I will deal with it like everything else.  My granddaddy said I was made of iron.  I think I am made of titanium. 

     

  • by: ericlovesconnie - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been in a relationship with my friend who has ADHD for more than two years. What you didn't know is that I almost committed suicide in the fall of 2013. After we broke up during the summer of 2013, she immediately got into a relationship with her roommate for three months. I had "no-contact" with her during that time and it almost took my life. She came back and told me about and it hurt like hell. In the end, her impulsive and rash decisions caused her to be stalked by her ex-roommate and forced to pay child-support. 

    Her behavior hurt my family and friends deeply. She doesn't't realize how many people do NOT want anything to do with her. Her ADHD is out of control and there is nothing I can do about it!!! She thinks that I was manipulating her!!!--WTF???, She has no empathy what so ever. she can be very distance and close herself off from me. She says she is busy, but that is BS!!!

    She is a divorcee of 11 years with 2 teenage daughters (that choose to live with their father) yet the girls don't realize that their mother was in a very abusive(domestic violence) marriage of 7-years by this man who happens to be a minister.

    She can be all over the place. One minute she is doing this, the next she is doing that. Her house is never clean or organized (yet of lately, she has gotten better), She will say things to me without even thinking about it(very painful and hurtful things), she can get very impulsive, She gets really irritated FAST!!!, She lives from paycheck to paycheck (She has to pay child-support to her dead beat ex-husband), She doesn't think about the consequences of her actions and just do them. She is not very trustworthy at times and is pissed off at the world (Including me) She would call me one minute to spend time with me, the next minute she cancels!!!, She is a closet hoarder that keeps everything!!!, She will stay up throughout the night on the computer (she says she is working but she is on Facebook half of the time). She will procrastinate (its so bad, the girls have to trick her to tell her the event is at 11:a.m. ITS ACTUALLY STARTS AT 12:00PM!!!) She can get very hostile and we would argue a lot over stupid things. 

    I love this woman very much (and she know that) yet I AM EXHAUSTED!!!--Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy!!!--Its like I am living in a real live version of "Let's Make a Deal" when you are trying to see what is behind door number 1-2-3! The victim of domestic violence (I can understand), but the ADHD, I am having a really hard time with. I am the most patient, loving and very understanding person in the world, but MY LORD, it feels like I have gone 12-rounds with her in a street fight!!!

    I need some support! I love her and I want to marry her, I know what I am getting into, But I need some "Lord help me" Advice. She is on medication but I don't see her take as often as I would like (Hell, I would buy stock in it if it would help!!!), But I do love her very much but I could use some advice--Please!!! 

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    January 28, 2011 I wrote a letter to my ADHD spouse that I would no longer be controlled by his anger.  What I thought at that point in time was the problem in our relationship was me - that I bent and swayed and yielded and allowed myself to be controlled by anger.  

    So I stopped the participation in the cycle of anger.  When he tried to yank my chain, I did not yank back.  When he started to argue, I walked away.  When he was rude to me, I stated I would not accept being treated that way, and walked away.  

    I am fairly certain I have gone through all five stages of mourning the realization that it was NOT just me after all - and changing my behavior did not bring about the desired/hoped-for/wanted result in my relationship to my spouse.  I am at peace with me - but not in my life conditions nor relationship.  I have a job I like, I am continuing taking college classes towards a business degree, I keep up my hobbies, and try my darndest to just let go of trying to keep up with cleaning up after my spouse.  I like basic tidiness, clean enough by at least getting rid of the big chunks,  and putting things back where they belong at the end of the day, unless they are being used in the project at hand.  I have many circles of friends with whom I enjoy spending time.  

    Whether purposely or not, I feel disrespected by my spouse.  His self defensive behavior felt controlling because he would use the silent treatment to ignore me until I couldn't take it anymore and swayed my opinion to return peace in our home. He would deny my own feeling and experiences by claiming if HE didn't PURPOSELY act in contempt towards me, I was WRONG to feel however I felt. He acted as he had the right to speak for me or put words in my mouth that I didn't even speak.  He was sarcstic, and changed the subject to something he would rather talk about - usually something that was totally opposite of the issue at hand.  Like:  "You can't be mad at me for being late, I did such-and-such for you last week."  Like one behavior would counter act the other.  

    This happens so often, it is an undesirable atmosphere in which to live.  

    So the conflict for me, why it is an issue, is I DO NOT want a divorce.  I DO NOT want to HAVE to go jump-start a career at at 54 years of age to support myself.  I do not want to have to get a 9-5 job to support myself.  

    Curses.  I am unable to get him to see things from my point of view.  Or even accept/understand/have empathy towards how much his negative ADHD behaviors affect me.  It is all about him.  Grrrrr.

    Any steps to adjust my own behavior?  Anything I am missing that seem so obvious to the outside reader?  

     

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I just find me losing everything I liked to do. I have lost my independence. He throws this guilt trip at me anytime I mention I am going out with coworkers after work or out to dinner with a friend. The "Oh fine go have fun with your friends, see if I care! I'll just sit here at home and party it up!" Of course then when I don't go out he goes "What is WRONG with you? I'm just kidding! Go have fun with your friends. Like I said, I'll just be partying it up here!" He is so mean about it and then says I take everything too personally.

    I told him on Saturday morning that I was going up to the greenhouse to a talk they were giving on attracting wildlife to your yard. The greenhouse is less than a mile from our house. The talk started at 10AM. He had too much to drink the night before and was obviously not feeling great that morning and had no plans on leaving the house. However when I came out and told him this he goes 'Um...okay then!" said in a very snide tone. I almost didn't go to the talk because he seemed either upset that I was going or that I didn't ask him. He wasn't going to go!

    I literally feel like all I can do anymore is sit in front of the tv when he is around. If I turn off the tv and read or sit outside and read he thinks I'm upset. If I clean too much he tells me I've got issues. If I leave the house without him or without asking if he wants to come along he gives me the sarcastic "Fine go have fun" or "Oh are you stopping at the pool boy's house?" He tells me to get a hobby because he has so many but what kind of hobby am I going to get that he isn't either going to make fun of, or show me how to do it "right" or get upset if it requires me going out of the house to meet up with others once a week? 

  • by: WornOutMB - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Any time I express a need for myself my ADHD husband calls me selfish.  It doesn't matter what it is, I am labeled selfish and self centered. It has been this way our entire marriage and I am tired of it.  If I say "Please stop spending money randomly. Every time you do this I have to recalculate everything", I am selfish.  If I say "Please fix the faucet that has been inoperable for 8 months", I am selfish. Any concern I have, need I have, and most certainly any want I have, if I express it I am selfish.  He only sees what he thinks is necessary. 

    We have two issues currently that are really bothering me. One is that fact that any time we go anywhere he walks extremely fast and leaves me behind.  I had a stroke as an infant, had a resulting surgery and have limitations.  I cannot walk as fast as most people and have balance issues.  He knows this but it doesn't stop him from zooming ahead of me.  It bothers me also because by example he is teaching our teenaged son to do the same. I have talked to our son about it and explained that it is disrespectful and rude. If you are with someone who walks slower, you adjust your pace to theirs.  This past weekend we went to SF with my family.  My brother-in-law organized it and we all rode together in their vehicle.  We rode BART into the city and walked to the stadium for a baseball game.  The whole time the majority of us stayed together except for my husband who felt the need to walk WAY ahead of the group.  Our son went with him.  My BIL kept looking for them trying to keep track of where they were. It was extremely crowded and hard to find them at times.  My sister mentioned it to me, wondering why my husband felt the need to walk so far ahead.  She knows he has ADHD.  I told her I've talked to him many times about the issue but when I do he thinks I'm being controlling and selfish.  Obviously not since others find it rude also.

    The second issue is at home.  I have sleep problems.  If I go to sleep and then am woken up I cannot easily go back to sleep. I can lie awake for hours. My husband and I do not sleep in the same room right now due to sleep and other issues.  I need to have quiet for about an hour in order to calm myself down enough to relax before bedtime.  I have explained this to my husband.  I have ask him and our son to please take their showers before 9:00 so I can have quiet before I sleep.  He labels my request selfish.  So he has the TV blaring in the living room, both of them stomp up and down the hallway, talk loudly and my husband has been taking his showers at 11:00 - 12:00 at night. The water heater is in the hallway. It shares a wall with my room. As a result it sounds like there is a waterfall in my bedroom when he is in the shower.  So, I have to wait until he decides to take his shower to go to sleep. I try to keep myself awake until then because I know if I fall asleep and his noise wakes me up I will not be able to go back to sleep for a while. Last night he was so noisy there is no way I could have went to sleep or stayed asleep until he was done with his shower. The next day I am exhausted, have a hard time focusing and sometimes barely get through the day.  He takes him 11:00 - 12:00 shower then gets up at 5:00 am for work. I don't know how he does it.  I'm not able to live the same way and I can't seem to get him to understand the toll it is taking on me.

    I'm so tired of my needs being ignored and being called selfish because of my simple requests.  I know this is partly learned on his part.  His mother told me his dad was the same way, she could not express any needs or she would be called selfish. His dad was the non ADHD spouse, his mother has ADHD. Their marriage ended after 19 years.  My husband and I have been married 29 years.  I'm just tired of it all.

  • by: ericlovesconnie - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    It has been a serious roller coaster ride with my ADHD girlfriend.

    I don't know what to do anymore. I feel very alone and she does things at the spare of the moment. I want to be with her, but she will be busy with this or that. I respect her space, yet sometimes she would say things that would be hurtful and the only I could do is walk away.

    She takes meds but not on regular basis...she has posters of goals and plans all over the bedroom. All I want from her is to love me but it seem secondary to her.

    Painful!

  • by: dmcaul - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My wife and I have been married for about 2 yrs now and the last 7 months have been really difficult. I lied to her over our finances. She would ask if we were doing ok and I would just tell here that we were to avoid going into any detail. She found out, I wasn't even man enough to come and tell her myself. I struggle with remembering tasks, lying, not taking responsibility for my own actions, always wanting to be what she wants not myself, I have a difficult time communicating as I will play out the entire argument in my head before I respond or just won't respond at all, I have always had a low self image, and i struggle with keeping to a course. This has severely shaken the trust and confidence that my wife has in me. I have been going to a counselor for about 6 months now and still have difficulty dealing with my issues. It was only recently that I remember that I had been diagnosed with mild ADHD when I was younger and I will be bringing that to his attention when I meet with him next time. I very earnestly want any help and guidance that anyone can offer to help me overcome these issues and save my marriage. I have been able to stop for a few months at a time but only fall back into the same habits when I don't stay focused. I Love my wife dearly but she has trouble believing me when I hurt her. I don't want to hurt her anymore.

    Please Help

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    How much is known about post-traumatic stress disorder and ADHD, or living with someone with ADHD? I've read about post traumatic stress disorder and I have a lot of the symptoms of it, after living with undiagnosed and undertreated ADHD? Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I'm just asking. Anyone else known anything?

  • by: 4everSD - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    This is my first time posting, though I've read through a lot of the articles on this site in the past. My husband of 10 years was diagnosed with adult ADD last year, and he's slowly gained a lot of insight into his condition. I'm fortunate to have a loving, conscientious husband...everything is great -- except, argh, the ADD! I feel battered down by it and I'm so, so tired...

    He's out of town right now and already I feel re-energized. I feel bad that I almost couldn't wait to have the house to myself. But I feel great right now and I want it to stay that way. I've recently been diagnosed with mild depression, and while our marriage is quite strong, it hasn't been a picnic.

    I've read so many articles about how I need to start accepting his ADD, and how the non-ADD spouse ought to change their expectations, and how I need to help him come up with solutions -- and I've done all of those things, and we have a really great system going now. The dishes get done, the lawn gets mowed, the trash goes out (well, the dogs don't get walked very much and his gym membership is going to waste, but I've learned to pick my battles). He does what he can around the house, but he won't work on his ADD -- no meds, no more counseling appointments, no new apps to help him stay on track.

    I've done everything I can think of, and I'm just bodily exhausted. I can't really explain it, but I'm tired of being half-ignored, and half-depended-upon. I'm tired of bustling around, making lists, solving problems, and maintaining constant vigilance, while an out-of-focus blur stands dazedly in the middle of the kitchen, or sits in the corner with a laptop, hardly bothering to look up.

    I feel like I'm living both of our lives, rather than just my own, because there's so much responsibility falling on me (bills, taxes, budgets, insurance, food, health, pets, friends, family, home maintenance, travel plans, on and on) and he just cruises along (I've tried to share the responsibility but that just falls apart -- he loses bills, forgets his mom's birthday, forgets to feed the dogs, so I gave up). It's so draining, and I don't feel like the person I used to be before we got married.

    Recently, I got so exhausted that I left the house and stayed with my parents for a night. I wasn't mad, I just said I "needed to do something different." Getting out of the house made me feel like myself a little bit. And my absence seemed to give him real focus. He started organizing his own world a little bit, and he had more insights into how his brain works. I don't want to give off the wrong impression of our marriage, but I'm thinking an occasional night off for myself might help me refocus my own thoughts. We are literally together all the time (at work and at home), so a little time apart might be just what we need.

    Has anyone just felt so tired that they can't even get mad anymore? Do any of you take "timeouts" from each other to gain a different perspective? Any suggestions on what else we might try? Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to participating more in this forum!

  • by: Zanzibar1638 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I am a husband who lives with ADHD and I have only recently been diagnosed. I have been reading through this forum to help find some direction and strategies to help my wife.

    I am the guy who throws meat wrappers in the sink, forgets ice cream on the counter, forgets to shut the gate, forgets he said he would cook dinner etc... I do all of these things and you know what, because I love my wife and I value the work she does already around the house I hate that I do it. I am all for venting frustration, but the feeling I get from a lot of these posts is that there is no accounting for husbands that genuinely care and are trying with all their might to help.

    One of the reason's my wife married me is because I made her feel taken care of. When I fail in that it is an emotional disaster, and I am unwilling to accept the concept of "managing expectations" as opposed to "solutions". It is hard, very, very hard to try and remember all of the small scale things that go into managing a house but I know I have to. I know in my heart of hearts that my wife does not always feel taken care of. But with my ADHD  I am able to work harder, and longer than anyone else she has ever known. I can work through exhaustion etc... I can focus my way into finishing. As a matter of necessity it falls on me to cook all the meals, go to work 50 hours a week, do the finances, fix the vehicles, fix the furniture, fix the house, and train the dog. I do all this, I do it as best I can and fail occasionally but I never miss work, I never miss rent, and I always make sure we have food. But I also get hours, and hours of discussion on how I threw something away in the wrong spot, how I forgot to put my razor away, or how I used too many coffee cups. For me to try and remember to do all of my base tasks, and remember all those little things is an immense challenge, like asking someone with dyslexia to read an engineering manual. They can do it, but it is incredibly tasking.

    So that leads to my frustration from the other side of the coin. When is it enough? When has a husband with ADHD applauded for all the things he is doing and how much work it takes him? I am always exhausted, on my days off if she is ill I work for her, but on that same day I will get derided for not leaving enough coffee or misplacing the remote. It feels like the things that I do, that if I stop doing the whole system will crash, are overlooked for coffee cups. It builds an enemy thinking, she is not my enemy and I would do anything for her. I wish there was a place where its enough. She always tells me it makes more work for me, its like the work it takes me to get that little bit memorized is not even important or all that great mass of stuff I did all week to exhaustion is of no account, as long as the coffee cups are in order. I know this isn't true but all I ever hear is negativity and how I messed up again today. I can't speak for all husbands but I get tired of complements with a "but" attached. I get tired of only hearing how I messed up. It makes me feel worthless because of a condition I am working like mad to correct (read as therapists, psychiatrists, medications, meditations, lists, this forum, etc...) and then I just hear how I messed up again. Things like "Thank you for working 11 hours today and cooking for 2 hours, BUT, you have to remember to keep the blue pens in that left hand drawer". It hurts to hear that every day. When am I good enough? I fell I am getting told  am a failure every time I turn around. I don't think that helps anyone move forward and get better.

    If you keep telling me I am a failure I will break. This is coming from a man who was successful at everything he did before he got married. I coped, and I did rather well, but I was painfully alone. So I got married to a woman whose heart and soul I love with every fiber of my being. When she glows she is incandescent but every time that light is dimmed it is automatically my fault, or something with my condition. My condition, my bloody condition. Its not all my condition. Sometimes because you know I forget you look for things I forgot, and when all you have is a hammer you can only find a nail. What happened to all the other parts of me? I accept I have this disorder but I do not wish to accept being told I am lesser than for it. Talked down to like a child from my own wife. My wife's anxiety only makes it worse. She gets anxious when its out of place, or disorderly, when her workspace is a disaster, but me misplacing a spoon is a catastrophe. She invades are organizing everything I have as a workspace her way, not my way, but her way. Then when I can't find things I am failing her and its my condition. 

    I coped before by being fastidious and present. I ALWAYS put things back where I got them, and they ALWAYS lived in their spot. I feel like saying "Its a spoon, get over it, you have a roof over your head, a husband that is as loyal and obedient as a dog, home cooked meals three nights a week, the freedom to choose whatever career you want while I slave." In the end it is just a spoon. So I focus on the spoons, the spoons improve, but that means I didn't focus on the coffee pot, so I am going to hear about the coffee pot. Without fail. She leaves plenty out, as much as I do. What do I do? I put it away when I see it. 

    Sometimes she doesn't help. She doesn't listen to my very clear statements about how I need that to work in order for me to help her. Its how my brain works and I cant do anything about that, what I can do is restructure our world so I can help her, but she wont, she wont help me on that. I say "I need the keys by the coffee pot so I can remember to always take them in the morning" Without saying anything my key stand by the coffee pot disappears to points unknown in the house then I of course, have no idea where my keys are and don't even think to look for them. Then I get anger for losing my keys, and a justification on how it just looked bad there. Well, if it being asthetetically appealing to visitors is more important to you than what you claim to be most important, my organization, the thing that is hurting our marriage, than that is what you have chosen. Because if I move it back, with a clear explanation why, it will get moved again. This happens every week, every time I try to stage something, set something up so I can remember. It is the only way I can take care of her and she takes it away from me all of the time.

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