Recent Topics

  • by: confusedandsearching - 1 month 1 week ago

    So I have been reading about ADD for about the last 6 months. Like a lot of you, I tried to "help" my husband in the beginning, now I am changing me. Well things are even worse. All he did was starting using medication, he has not worked on any strategies.  I see no different in him at all. Still wants me to make a call, schedule, pay bills and so much more then complains or lashes out because I am too controlling. He now says we are both responsible. How can that be? I dont have ADD, I dont make chaos, I dont always feel overwhelmed, I dont understand how they can say it is both people???  I want to leave but my boys will be heartbroken. Work, he works all the time but does not get ahead. He cant see he is disorganized and inefficient. He feels unloved and unappreciated but I cant help feel those things. I am alone, do things alone and carry so much alone. He is not selfish, not a cheater, complete family man, loves me and the kids but the chaos is too much after 24 years. I have no idea what to do. Change the way I handle him?? How can that be? Life is harder with him. How am I responsible? confused and searching for answers

     

  • by: Bluebell77 - 1 month 1 week ago

    I have just found this site and the relief I feel at reading other people's stories is almost physical.  I have finally realised that there are others that have experienced my difficulties and it's an amazing feeling.

    Sadly, after 14 years together I am realising that there is nothing left of me.  I have dedicated everything to my husband, trying to support him and accommodate him.  Sometimes thinking I have gone insane myself when we get stuck in these circular and repetitive arguments where everything he says is totally illogical.

    He is terrible at socialising and so gradually all my friendships have died away, I am boring where I was once vibrant, interesting, chatty and engaging. I have put on weight where I was once pretty and slim.

    I am uncomfortable taking him anywhere as he is so awkward in social situations so gradually I have stopped going anywhere.

    He contributes nothing to parenting, other than the fun stuff - has no accountability for anything.  I feel totally alone.

    He can barely hold a conversation unless it's about him, has never been supportive during any emotional crisis I have had (eg someone dying).

    He isn't nasty at all, he's just half a person, not quite there - he doesn't get it at all.

    I am just an empty shell now and I long to be who I was, but I fear that regaining myself will be the end of our marriage.  I feel so torn.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 1 week ago

    Hi - I was going to send my husband a link to this Forum because it says its for the ADHD people to support eachother - but it seems that most of the topics are for/by the partners of ADHD people.  Have the forum topics switched around?  Is there a place where I can direct my ADHD husband to view posts by people  WITH ADHD?

     

    Thanks!

  • by: copingSAH - 1 month 1 week ago

    Lately my ADD spouse has been taking an extra dose of Adderall after work. I admit most times it helps the evenings home go more smoothly. Except when he has a strong ale at the same time. I don't know if one beer would affect his mood on the medication because on a few occasions he would jump down my throat for what he felt was a knock on his character.

    I came from a dysfunctional upbringing where I was never made to feel safe and secure and I need someone to let me know I can be safe and secure with them. I never get this from my husband. I don't even demand it, it's just something I'll comment on, whether it's me, the house, our kids, and I want more than anything to hear that everything will be OK.

    With an ADD partner, I can never get that feedback that is essential. I have to accommodate everything for him; every time he explodes it's either my fault or it's the ADD "talking"... but I feel it has to do with how the alcohol mixes with the Adderall, and also having alcohol before he comes down from the Adderall.... does any of this ring a bell with anyone?

    He has made many excuses about the alcohol use that the Adderall is out of his system, or that he's having a few beers and then popping 40 mg of Adderall over the course later that day. Or it seems he's drinking in between doses. He takes 10mg every 3 hours. and somehow he manages 3 beers during the day. He's not even drinking draft beer, he's out buying bottles of the expensive ales which seem to be a lot stronger in alcohol content...  should I speak to his neurologist??  Also, he used to self medicate with pot and now it seems to be alcohol. Not hard liquor but strong beers.

     

  • by: Dee88 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half now.  He is 25 and I am 30.  He is a great guy and comes from a good family.  We have a lot of fun together and i love him very much.  The negative part is that within this past year and a half he has broken up with me four different times.  We were dating for one month and he ended things.  He said he did not see a future for us and that he was a flight risk.  Meaning his job can send him to work in another state.  We stayed friends and then he started asking me to hang out again two months later.  He said he missed me and loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend.  So for the second time around that we were dating it lasted for five months.  Everything was great until one of my friends told me that my boyfriend gave his number out to one of the servers at a pool hall.  My friend knew the girl and he had said the girl said that my boyfriend was hitting on her.  I was devastated when i heard this.  I was so happy with him and now I had to confront him about this nonsense.  When I did confront him, my boyfriend told me that he was just being friendly.  He also said he doesn't have a lot of friends around where we live since he is not from here and that it didn't mean anything.  For the next three weeks, I couldn't help but think about how he gave his number to another girl and maybe what else does he do behind my back.  So we got into a few arguments and he winded up ending things.  He blamed everything on me and said he just wants to be alone.  I tried to make him see that he was making a mistake and he shut me out by ignoring my calls and text messages.  A month later he comes around for a third time and I just give in to him because I love him.  He told me we can't argue like we did but he wants to be with me and see if we can work things out.  Two months later he left for Florida to work there for four months.  We did the long distance relationship pretty well for three of the months but the fourth month is when he started not calling as much.  I sensed it right away and I brought it up to him.  He started arguments with me and he winded up ending things over the phone as he was in Florida and I'm sitting here almost 1,000 miles away waiting for him to come home.  He told me we can talk in person when he gets home in a few days but right now he is not talking.  This time he totally shut me out.  Did not answer the phone for a week straight or any of my text messages.  He finally gets home, mind you he lives right across the street from me.  All of a sudden I see his bright blue mustang outside his house and I was so excited because I thought maybe he was going to come walk across the street to see me.  But no he did not.  We play on three pool teams together so I eventually started to run into him again.  I gave him the cold shoulder at times and other times I was just civil with him.  A month later just when I started to feel better about moving on with my life he asks me to talk to him in person.  So we wind up talking and hanging out and he told me he loves me and wants me to give him a chance.  He said I am everything that he wants in a woman and that he messed up.  So for the fourth time I gave him a chance.  I really thought maybe this time he did realize and he is not going to be that stupid again to just walk away.  But of course I was wrong.  Five weeks later, which was last weekend, me and my boyfriend got into a stupid argument.  In the argument I told him to consider himself single.  I didn't mean it.  I was just upset with him and my guard was still up because of the recent break up we had.  The very next day I apologized up and down.  He did not want to hear it.  He told me he can't do this anymore and that he thought things would have been different this time around but they aren't.  He said we are not good together and that he's just done.  He even quit our Wednesday pool team.  My boyfriend well now ex-boyfriend does have ADHD.  He had it when he was younger in middle school and had to take medicine.  His father said his son didn't have to take the medicine anymore when he got into high school.  I heard this information last year and I did not think I should be concerned since my boyfriend wasn't on the medicine anymore.  I thought he was okay or maybe outgrew ADHD.  He is very impulsive.  He is always on the go.  He goes to work on his days off.  He can be so sweet and lovable and shows me he cares so much but then there are times where I felt like I didn't even exist to him.  Like his mind was elsewhere.  So my question is, Is ADHD affecting him and how he can have a relationship with me?  I know he loves me.  I just don't understand how he can come back crying and asking me to give another chance promising he will never leave again but then does leave the moment there is confrontation?  I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster this past year and a half.  Is he going to come back again? Or was the fourth time the last time?  I' ll never understand.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband and I had an agreement  - a last ditch hail mary to try and save our relationship.  You can read all that junk if you want to have the background:  http://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/trying-something-different-one-last-...

    Basically, since we made the deal about him moving out  - so many things happened.  Friends of ours had a tragic fire and lost everything including their oldest son.  This is a family with a blind mother, and this son was her help and right hand man while the husband worked.  There are also 2 other special needs children who survived, but they literally had NOTHING left.  So the money we set aside for him to move out went to them (gladly so - I love them and dont begrudge it at all).  My husband even seemed to be working hard on things.  He started taking his meds which helped some with daily chores and how he treated me in general (much nicer and at least said things like "hi" etc when he got home).  He was doing good with his coaching for the first month, accomplishing goals etc.  The last feww weeks it seems that he is going back to the old habbits....just like the usual slide back to how things were before.  Only right now - he is still living in the house with me, and there isnt money for him to move out.  He has stopped actively working on the 3rd support of this which is counseling.  There are issues from the past that prevent him from being anything more than a roomate.

    Ok - so thats the current status.

    I know most of you are probably in similar situations as I am in.  With someone who you love dearly - and who you THOUGHT loved you too- but they seem to be on autopilot, only giving the minimal affection and attention to keep things floating, with the occasional week or two of altered behavior to correct things after a long talk etc.

    When I was married to my late husband, we got pregnant but I lost the baby.  This was really traumatic for me and its always been a very emotional thing for me even to talk about.  I shared the experience with my husband several times as part of us getting to know one another etc.  This past weekend we went to see Maleficent and I happily brought up the subject of the names I had picked for my baby if she would have been a girl (one of them being Aurora from sleeping beauty).  He looked at me with a blank face.  He had no idea what I was talking about.  I had to prompt him SEVERAL times for him to finally remember.  It felt like a slap in the face - I mean, we have known eachother for 20 years and have been together romantically for 5.  You would think that your partner would remember such a key moment in your life right?  Am I wrong?  He cant name my favorite color, he cant remember where I am from, he literally would fail a test about me that even a casual friend could easily pass.  So, that hurt me immensely.  And while I usually try to blow that off as a symptom of ADHD - this was just too much.  This was the only child I ever had shot at having and I was so happy and excited about it.  And he didnt even remember.

    To try and mitigate the damage and step back and talk about it in a way to express how it bothered me and to try and work on this from the perspective of the ADHD versus taking it personal - I brought it up last night.  I said I would like to talk to him, and I waited until the show we were watching was over.  I said that something happened when we went to the movies, and then I explained that it hurt me that he didnt remember that I had that experience.  He didnt even remember THAT!  I could tell!  Then suddenly he said he remembered and then said that he just wasnt able to remember the names etc.  And then... I asked him to tell me what he thought the conversation was  and it was not even REMOTELY the same thing.  He said I was talking about boy names,  and how I wasnt sure if it was a boy or girl etc.  COMPLETELY wrong.  So - here I was on the couch trying to make this not personal, and then he could not even remember THAT conversation.  I was just floored.  And something inside me snapped.  I realized it would never be better.  It was always going to be this way.  That I would always feel sidelined to the things he felt were important - like his games etc.  I mean, he can remember every detail of things he needs to do for his sport stuff and for his video game stuff, and he never forgets what he says and does with his friends.  And he is like clockwork with his mom and daughter. 
     

    I read posts here from people who got out and their only regret was not doing it sooner.  I occasionally read about the successful ones, but they are so few and far between.  I just cant imagine it.  And while if I wanted to have a shallow relationship with someone who would never really KNOW me (because nothing about me is a big deal to them other than when they want some new toy) I could stay and live like this. 

    The last time he kissed me was 12/9/2012 and it was because he was drunk.  It was the last time he ever kissed me with any passion.  Since the, the only physical contact I have had with him would be something he could do with his mom and daughter or his best friend. 

    Anyone have any thoughts on this?  Please read the link above to get some history so that you nkow the lengths I have already gone through.  This has been a long fight and I think I might be ready to just walk away.

  • by: mrsg13 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My ADHD Husband has cost us a lot of money since he has racked up about 7 parking tickets in the past 2 years. When we first met he didn't know how to drive so he learned to drive since I encouraged him and got his license and then we finally bought a car 2 years ago. In that time, he has been very irresponsible with the car on several occasions.

    We both pay for the car, but I don't have my license so only my Husband drives it. Because of that I expect my Husband to be fully responsible when it comes to all the necessary maintenance and making the car payments on time.

    When he drives the car to work, unfortunately to save money on parking he has to park on the street and walk a bit since that doesn't cost us money. He has a very difficult time keeping track of the street sweeping schedule so he has parked the car on the wrong side of the street which resulted in several parking tickets over the past 2 years. I feel like I can't trust him anymore when it comes to being responsible and I always worry that he made another mistake that will cost us more money. Saving money is extremely important to me and I'm rather frugal when it comes to spending. My Husband has never really seemed to be on the same page as me when it comes to money, but he knows that he can't  spend money on unnecessary things so he has been really good with not doing that. He always asks me first before spending any money and we have a system where we only use cash to make purchases (unless we purchase online. We use a credit card for that). The only issues have been related to the car. He also backed into a truck once cuz he wasn't paying enough attention and one of our tail light coverings needs to be replaced cuz of it.

    I really am tempted to leave him over this. I have no idea how I can trust him anymore. He prevented this from happening more often by setting reminders to check the side of the street he parks on in the past, but then he stopped thinking about it for some reason. He can set reminders in the future, but how long will that last and will that be enough to stop this from happening over and over again? I feel like I just can't keep dealing with this. We have already been to a few different therapists (none have really helped and they just cost us a lot of money). He is currently on 3 daily doses of 20 mg Adderall which he started on a lower dose 3 months ago. At times, it seems like it's helping, but then when he continues to make mistakes, it doesn't seem like it's helping as much as it should be. We're about to try a coach, but I'm not sure if she'll be able to help that much with this.

    Did anyone else here have a similar problem and if so, how did you deal with it?? Am I being unreasonable since I'm thinking about leaving him cuz of this? If I do leave him, I also really worry about him continuing to make more financial mistakes and ruining my credit because he might forget to pay for them on time.

     

     

  • by: vbug2010 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    The first and last time I posted here was four years ago.  My ADHD-husband wasn't on medication at the time, but had finally agreed to go on Adderall.  That seems like an entire lifetime ago.

    We've now been together for 16 years, and when I read my original post, I can't believe how little has changed in our relationship dynamic.  He wasn't diagnosed until about five years ago, refused to go on medication for a while, and once he did get on it, he then quit after about a year and a half.  During the time he was on it, he refused to get counseling, so while his behavior in every day life improved (as far as work and managing home tasks was concerned), his anger, frustration and lashing out in our arguments didn't.  We became better friends, but we never truly re-established a loving and mutually supportive relationship.

    Then, he stopped taking Adderall for almost a year, and that was a very destructive time in our marriage.  I was anxious all the time, I couldn't talk to him at all, and I pulled away even more and became closed off in an effort to protect myself from his rollercoaster moods.  I begged him the entire year to get back on medication, but he refused and it would cause nasty fights.  He would take my requests as a "sign" that I don't like him and want him to change himself as a person.  To top it off, against my gut instinct, I got pregnant.  I wanted a baby though, so it was my choice, even though I had a feeling what would happen.  My pregnancy was utter chaos, as he was not equipped to handle preparing for a baby while not being on meds, and he definitely wasn't prepared to handle my needs.  I ended up taking off and spending a few days at my mom's when I was six months pregnant.  Not an easy or fun thing to do.

    I returned home, but things still didn't improve, and our fights got more intense as I was pushed more and more.  He got back on medication finally, Vyvanse, and again, his daily life improved, but our relationship didn't.  As it got closer to my due date, I actually had to ask him not to start conflict with me so that I could be emotionally prepared for the labor.  And then my labor ended up being over 60 hours, and ended with a traumatic C-section.

    Once our son was born, things improved a little.  He was still impatient and got easily flustered during the long nights with a newborn, but he was loving and attentive.  That didn't last long.  He went on a business trip when the baby was 5 weeks old, and while I know that he missed us greatly, I was hurt that as the week went on, he didn't call or check in as much.  He was out at party events drinking and seemed to forget about me.  I was still recovering from surgery, and was emotional and sleep-deprived, and when he got home I told him my feelings were hurt.  I wasn't angry and I didn't want anything other than a hug and some understanding.  He lost his cool immediately (my guess is because he felt guilty) and got angry with me, and it started a days-long fight.  Ever since then, things have been steadily down-hill.

    We realized after some hideous outbursts that Vyvanse was causing him to go into fits of rage, so he switched back to Adderall about two months ago, but the damage is done.  He crossed lines he'd never crossed before with name-calling and blaming and storming around the house.  He doesn't understand that my trust has been broken and that it would take time to heal, and that our intimacy goes hand-in-hand with that.  Instead, he is bitter and resentful that I don't trust him or feel closer to him, and lashes out instead of trying to understand my feelings.  During the time he was on Vyvanse, he also saw a therapist a couple of times, but the problem was that she didn't specialize in ADHD.  So enabled him to feel entitled to his emotions, and supported his statements that it was because of our relationship that he never "felt like a real person" (as opposed to the fact that he had a late ADHD diagnosis).  Having that kind of reinforcement made the anger 10x worse, and helped him push all personal responsibility on to me and our marriage.  Anytime he feels lonely or hurt or angry, or upset for any reason really, he finds a way to lash out at me.  And it doesn't matter what I say or how I say it, or if I try not to say anything at all.  I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.

    Basically for the past three months, any time we talk about our relationship, it ends in destruction.  He loses his temper almost immediately, and starts throwing me and our marriage under the bus.  Last week I had to leave for 5 days with my son because the tensions were too high.  I decided at that time that if my husband didn't want to seek help to better express his anger and frustration, that I was going to leave.  I don't want my son growing up with that as an example of a marital relationship, and I just don't have the emotional capacity anymore to untangle this mess.  And of course, my husband doesn't want to seek help because he claims it's compromising himself, and he just wants to be who he is.  He doesn't see that this pattern will repeat itself whether he's with me or not, because it's not about our relationship...it's about the host of things going on in his head and his inability to articulate what he wants and needs in a productive way.

    This week, we've been in a holding pattern.  I've essentially made up my mind and there's little that can be done to change it.  We have a counseling appointment on Thursday where we're going to talk about some of these things, and I'm nervous about how it will go.  The last couple's appt I went to was with his therapist 3 months ago.  And we spent almost the whole time talking about how I need to respect the fact that my driving makes him anxious, and basically no time talking about how his anger and rage are deal-breakers for me.  He keeps oscillating between loving me and not wanting to lose me, and hating me and wanting this relationship to be over.  He's so confused, and I don't think the reality of the situation has hit him at all.  I'm just trying my best to keep the peace until Thursday when we can talk more freely in the presence of a third party.

    I have a few ideas for what I will do after separation.  It's just so frustrating and such a shame.  But in the end, I realized that you can't help someone know themselves better.  He has to see it, and want it.  I know how he feels about me on the inside, and I know how he feels about our son.  I have a feeling it will hit him like a ton of bricks when we're not there anymore.

    If you made it this far, sorry this turned out so long.  I'm just looking for support and needed a place to tell my story to people who might understand it.  Thanks for reading.

  • by: jennalemon - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    "Once I recognized that I LIKED thinking of myself as a noble, self-sacrificing martyr, it was much easier to stop DOING it."

    Can I possibly be LIKING this?  Ouch.  Time to change. I am sure there are better things to enjoy doing.

  • by: redhead1017 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband is VERY resistant to doing anything about his ADHD to the point that I just don't bring it up, but he's into health and vitamins. Is there a vitamin or supplement that can help? 

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