I think one of the most difficult things to come to terms with after a long term marriage affected by ADD ends is when the non-ADD spouse for years did so much alone, kids, house, etc, etc, etc but then it's the ADD spouse that leaves the marriage. So many years of them saying it was me when it was really the ADD. The loneliness is sometimes unbearable. Over four years later and it still hurts every single day.
by: add -
2 months 1 day ago
by: Mrs_J -
2 months 1 day ago
Hi, I've been lurking here for almost 3 years, but this is my first time posting. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but his parents didn't pursue any treatment. He is now in his late 40s and was re-diagnosed in 2012. He has sporadically pursued treatment since then, but that only happens when I tell him that I just can't taking living with him and that I want a divorce. This last time, I reinforced my words with actions: I've moved into the guest room, separated our bank accounts, and informed him that I plan to file for a no-fault divorce in 18 months. He says he "loves" me and wants to work on our marriage. He is currently taking 10mg of Focalin a day (but I never see any difference between how he is when he takes meds and how he is when he does not). He been seeing a behavioral therapist once a week since the end of September to work on strategies to better manage his ADHD, but I doubt he'll ever really be able to control his more troubling behavior because he's oblivious when he's doing it and if I point it out to him, then I'm just "criticizing." I've read so many articles about how non-ADHD spouses "feel unloved" because the ADHD spouses don't pay attention to them, but I was wondering if there were others, like me, out there who don't doubt their partner's love as much as they find their partner's love feels meaningless or worthless. We've begun working with a marriage counselor recently, but I don't know if it's really worth doing if this is how I feel. Has anyone else gotten to this point and been able to get back to finding meaning and/or worth in their partner's "love"?
by: -Colt40 -
2 months 2 days ago
Hello , I was wondering if i could receive some unbiased advice, I have been dating my girlfriend for an entire year, I am having some doubts about our relationship however and was wondering if someone could share some insight on the matter with me. I met my girlfriend a year ago. I fell in love with her kindness, her loving demeanour, her caring qualities and her physical beauty, she is absolutley gorgeous. She told me she was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age but i didn't pay much attention to it.
Two weeks into our friendship before we even started dating she was sending me love songs, and telling me she didn't want to "lose me" because she revealed some mistakes in her past which i agreed to overlook and put behind us. Well she was very romantic and was extremely affectionate very early on in our relationship. She was very focused on me and it was like i was her priority. She would text me first thing in the morning, text me on my breaks at work, text me at lunch, call me after work, and text me all evening. I didn't mind i just passed it off as her being very affectionate. After 2 months and only seeing each other maybe once a week she said i was the guy she knew she wanted to marry. Again she would always fantasize about our life together, saying all the things we would do and all the places we would travel to see. She still lived at home being only 19, ( im 22) and whenever i visited her room it would be a mess, her dad would constantly be getting on her to clean her room and do household chores, he would interrupt our conversations on the phone to tell her things she needed to do. One time i came to her house to assemble furniture for her, and the entire time all she was doing was hanging off me and kissing me while i tried to work. It was frustrating as i was trying to do things for her and yet all she was focused on was me and displaying affection.
The doubts that i am having is whether or not she is a motivated person in life or whether she lives in a fantasy world. When we started dating she didn't have a job and she didn't receive her high school diploma because she failed English 12. I looked past these things, knowing how much potential she had and didn't want it to affect my viewpoint of her, I encouraged her to take evening courses to graduate, and to think about a career. She didn't know what she wanted to do in life, although she said she loved children but didn't want to take the long classes that were required for a diploma. So i suggested a dental hygienist, which she happily agreed about. So she took biology 12 because she needed this to gain entrance to the college course as a prerequisite and English 12. It was a 6 week long course from2 pm -6pm. During those 6 weeks she missed five days. I learnt she wasn't doing good in the course, she was constantly failing tests. While at school she was constantly texting me , i told her i was concerned that she focus on the class and was amazed she was doing this during class but she reassured me the teacher was " ok with it". Well after those six weeks were over she told me that she failed the biology course and just passed English.
I was in disbelief that she obviously didn't take it seriously. One of her friends recently told me she was in and out of relationships from the time she was 15 until she met me and was known by people as a " guy hopper" . I asked about some of her past relationships. One in particular she said was an abusive relationship, where her ex suffered from mental issues. He would call her up and start crying and she would talk to him on the phone for hours, trying to comfort him. I asked why she would stay with someone like that and she said because she felt thats what she needed to do "in order to get the guy" even though she knew she would be settling, and because she is a kind and loving person she wanted to nurture him. I am concerned at this point because i don't want our relationship to go on any longer if she is not good marriage material at this moment in her life. I am concerned because she doesn't know how to cook or clean after herself, but she insists when we are married she will do all these things. She doesn't have a drivers license and has no desire to get one.
i am also worried because she can move in and out of relationships so quickly that she may think she loves me, but its only the love of being in a relationship and not for who i am , and that after we are married, she will become a different person. I heard that lot of people have amazingly affectionate courtships , but this doesn't last into the marriage after the hyper focus wears off. She is the most romantic, loving, caring person i have ever met, but i'm not sure if she is one way around me and a different way around others, as she doesn't have many friends and the ones she does have are guys who are or were at one time interested in her romantically.
My biggest fear is her telling me what i want to her and focusing on a fantasy of life with me, instead of thinking in realistic terms, and she will forever be in a fantasy. I love this girl so much, but i am greatly worried. To further support my fears is her families history of mental illness. Her grandma has bi polar disorder, her brother has social anxiety disorder as well as anger problems. her sister has a eating disorder and a social anxiety disorder. her parents both suffer from depression and take medication to deal with it. I do love her , and i want to know if anyone seems a similarity with my situation and theirs or possibly to someone they know. i don't want to marry her and make the wrong decision regretting it for the rest of my life. Another one of my concerns is she would do things in past relationships even though she didn't want to " in order to get the guy", i'm wondering if our relationship is based on the same principle.
She told me she wanted children when i first met her and how she wanted a career with children. After three months into the relationship i confessed to her that i didn't want children, she didn't argue or put up a fight in anyway , not even so much as to say well in the future could we talk about it to see if our circumstances change, no instead she agreed not to have any! I find that also very confusing adding to my doubts. Please offer me some unbiased advice!
by: lovehurtsalotwi... -
2 months 4 days ago
After 3 long hard painful exhausting years with my ADHD husband we have been separated and divorced for over 9 months now..i have gained back my sanity and my freedom to live...i have post in here from since 2011/2013...Checking back on my history forums those of whom is not familiar with my post could look back and know how i have suffered tremendously through my marriage ...and those of you who are familiar with my post will me thanking the heavens above...i am relaxed free and my future is looking bright...i would like to thank all of my supporters for helping me through those years cause even though my marriage and life seemed empty i always had my family right here to help me...
thank you very much..
by: Best2You -
2 months 5 days ago
Please help. I am considering divorce and need your honest advise!!! I’ve been married for 11+ years but have been with my husband for 15+ years. I have experienced things that you discuss here like the financial troubles, feeling unsupported at home, etc,. but we've also been much in love, very close, and have supported each other emotionally in tough times.
The main thing I’ve never liked about him are his angry outbursts/frustration. He’s always had them, but I figured I would put up since most things were good between us. They began to really bother me when we first had our kids though, (now 6 and 3) and they are slowly getting worse... major overreactions to simple things like spilled water, hard time dealing with their crying/tantrums/demands at times, yelling, swear words (at the incident, not at them) etc some times, they don’t last long, but the lashing out hurts and he seems to forget it soon after it happens.
I thought he had to develop more patience, but after my recent research on ADHD I realized he has the symptoms of the hyperactive/impulsive type, (found out I had the ADD type also). Our special connection/love, but also the outbursts and many things started making sense then. I told him to look into ADHD but he does not believe in it, or says that if he has it, then his symptoms are under control, which I know is not true. My oldest has actually started requesting I drive to avoid all the yelling/frustration and impatience when dad drives. He also occasionally explodes at me (yelling, sarcasm, swear words at situation) about other things unnecessarily, which I’ve been very patient with and I’m finally starting to get fed up. I scream back at him and don’t let him tell me what I should do. He also says inappropriate comments about me or other things in front of people, luckily we don’t have family close by or even socialize with others very much.
We have great times together as a family too but these outbursts around the kids make me super anxious. I ask the kids to go watch TV to another room, or eat before he gets home, to minimize the possibility of an outburst. I find myself often walking on eggshells so we don’t upset him. When I see he’s about to lose it with the kids, I step in and redirect them, or find a way of moving them away, like shielding them from his outbursts. He doesn’t want me stepping on his toes when he’s disciplining them, but I cannot just watch him mistreat them with his screaming and rough demeanor. He’s not physical but the intensity of the raised voice and body language leave you wondering what the hell is wrong. The kids (who show ADHD symptoms) need a lot of patience, and these outburst don’t help. It feels good and relaxing when I'm home or in the car just with the kids.
Although intimacy rarely happens with us nowadays, I still feel that old soulmate connection with him especially when we are alone, and we laugh together, and talk about anything, and it makes me think things aren’t that bad. Then an outburst happens and it’s like an ice bucket. They can happen daily (the computer, the kids, the traffic, waiting in line at the store, the game, a news article, etc.) I know I cannot just keep ignoring them; they are not going away.
I need energy to be a good mother to my two children and this drains me every day. He says I cannot expect everyone to act like me. He has his "unique way of dealing with things” and I should respect it. I was raised in a peaceful and quiet household and feel I need this type of environment now more than ever. His home was full of turmoil with daily arguments from his parents who ended up in a bad place in old age. I’m a worrier and part of me feels like my husband's outbursts may get progressively worse with the kids, and now is a good time to split rather than stay hoping for the best. At least that is what I see when reading some of the stories from people with grown kids, regretting not having taken the divorce step earlier.
I can be intimidated/frozen by problems sometimes, but I can be courageous and do anything I must for my kids. I need your help. Please advise!!
by: I'm So Exhausted -
2 months 6 days ago
Last night my spouse asked if we can "afford" for him and our son to attend the construction convention they have attended the past 2 years in February.
My INTERNAL response was jumping up and ranting, What do you mean afford - How many times have I said I do not want to talk business and finances after 9 pm - Have you even looked at our financial status - even once - since you got mad AT ME about the past dues taxes - and on and on and on.
Rather, I sighed and said it was too late in the day for me to think about finances.
This morning I said to him "I think the real question is do you guys want to attend the convention. Is it beneficial? Do you get something from it? If so, we just need to plan it. And work out the financial end in advance."
And he said, yes, they wanted to go.
Just wanted to mention this is all about me here in this post. Just want to mention it is incredibly difficult to do this in this way. Just want to mention that my own brain is focusing on me and what I do and what I want.
This is some really hard stuff.
by: IMust -
2 months 6 days ago
Hello ladies and gentleman,
This is my first post. I am a middle aged man in his early 50s. I have ADD symptoms. Although I am intelligent, tests have shown that my processing speed is not as fast as it can be in some area. This might be due to depression, self loathing, or just because of a brain inflicted by ADD. I really am not sure.
I am college educated. I have a Bachelor's degree. In addition, I have a lot of computer skills. Unfortunately, my work history is poor given someone of my age. Don't get me wrong, I like to work. I like to think I am a hard worker. I show up every day on time and leave on time, for the most part. However, my work history has suffered because of attention issues, but mostly because of issues with depression and moods. I have not had a full time job since 2009! And like I stated above, my work history is poor. I desperately want to change this.
My work issues are affecting my marriage. It is affecting my self esteem. And I fear I am a bad influence on my daughters.
Is there hope? I am looking into Executive Function and how it might be improved in my life. Also, perhaps a low dosage of Adderall.
I hope there is hope. I am tired of this.
by: c ur self -
2 months 6 days ago
My wife had a birthday back in July...She had made several comments (lustful and jealous in nature :))....over the past year, concerning her feelings about my Costa's (sunglasses)...So, like a good husband (not that I am one) I went down to the shop and tried to find a pair I though would look nice on her...I could not decide between White, Pink, and brown...Although I did rule out the pink...And because comfort is so important, I got her a gift card for the exact amount w/ tax....
She has lost that darn thing at least twice...LOL...When I asked her why she hasn't went to get her glasses, she tells me...I want to try on every pair they have, and I don't want the sales girls to be upset with me:(...REALLY?...lol.....Oh, well...She's special....
I posted this, because as lite as I'm trying to make it...My true feelings about her reasonability level when it comes to throwing around an 184.00 gift card is not so lite....What I am trying to do in my own life is separate my expectations for myself from any I would place on her...Acceptance in this case like all cases promotes low stress levels and accountability...I'm not looking for the thing again...Well, if she says please, maybe.:)
by: Hysterical37 -
2 months 1 week ago
I must say that I can relate to everyone else's posts.
The worst is the loneliness. The hyper focus on the computer and the virtual social life that he created on Facebook that I am excluded from, and the safety in intimacy with strangers, which avoids any intimacy with me, be it social, personal or sexual. I wonder what he is doing here at all, just sitting there, would he even notice if I was gone. This is the real problem and the chaos and the support that he needs for that are draining and that makes the above all the more painful.
It is almost like an implicit agreement that I give him what he needs otherwise he does not cope well.
When I assert my needs and start to put boundaries in he says that I am a bully, that I am misinterpreting him, when I am holding him to account for his actions and asking him to do something about it.
There is a lot of positives but i'm starting to wonder how much of it is adhd and if it is consciously manipulative, like calling me a bully when he cannot get his own way, that has probably worked in the past or calling me tactless and saying that he is not the only one to point it out (which is true).
Also the damage that he causes and the fact that he does not listen until the talking becomes shouting because I am so frustrated with having the same conversation over and over again and not getting anywhere. He lacks common sense, he super glued the slats of our bed to the rails so they do not move anymore he draped wet sheets over the furniture to dry off as it would give them a larger surface area.He broke the sofa, the bed, ruined my sheets, mattress and bedlinen and then thought I was being petty until I added up the cost in concrete terms and told him it came to nearly £1000. Then he whinged to his therapist about going to Ikea, he did not say that I had asked him to go to make him accountable for paying for damaged items, he just made it sound like I was forcing him to go and when I asked him he said it was fine, but then sulked about and threw me resentful glances all the way there, during and back again. So when I said that I asked you if you wanted to go and you said yes, it's not my fault that you can't say no and are not prepared to make amends or fix the damage that you caused and if I was really fair I should have charged him for the petrol it cost to get there as he doesn't drive, I was a bully again.
The latest thing is sweating ammonia, I have empathy for him but it causes a lot of work, he says all you have to do is talk to me, but he never listens and never does anything about it, causing me to get frustrated and resentful as I have to do it as I cannot live in a house like that, my legs itch and now I had an infection on my leg which made me ill for a week, though the cause cannot be directly attributed to that, it did not make it easy to keep the wound clean when I was running around like an idiot trying to keep on top of everything while feeling like crap.
I really don't know what else to say as I read this back it makes him sound awful, but I also know that a lot of it is not conscious and that making someone responsible is a long lengthy process.
by: dweeb -
2 months 1 week ago
I don’t know. I don't know what I should do anymore. Many of the things my husband has done I am still trying to figure out if they belong to his personality or his ADD.
For instance, my husband has lied about BIG things like spending money allocated to his bills (more than once), to lying about teeny tiny things like cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry during the day.
Also, he’s a man with a worthless word (meaning, he’ll say I’m not drinking tonight, or I’m going to clean the bathroom right now, I’m going to read about this that and the other and almost NEVER does/follow through). It’s hard to take him at his word because 1. He’s never held himself accountable for his words and 2. Sometimes seems like he’ll say ANYTHING…..
And that sentence above is a good segue into my next point in which is that he doesn’t know himself enough to stand firm on something he believes in, which in turn makes him argue in circles….NOTHING is more frustrating than pointing out to your spouse that he is currently arguing the side you are on, when we only started arguing because he stood firmly on the other side. He continually asks for support, but how do I support him when I don’t even know where he stands? It’s so confusing.
Also stemming from above, he can’t be direct about ANYTHING! For instance this conversation transpired one day on the way home in the car:
Husband: so I thought about it, aaaand I don’t want to have kids with my sperm
Me: ooook???? How did you come to that conclusion
Husband: well I spoke with so and so and basically he regrets having kids because they face the problems he faced as a kid and it’s horrible blah blah blah blah blah
Me: ok well then I agree…..
Husband: I KNEW YOU DIDN’T want to have kids with me! I knew it, thanks for making me feel like a piece of sh!t……………..
This type of set up and conversation happens on a regular basis: the trap n’ bait type conversation…..so very frustrating! Then to top it off, he goes back on his word after that. “I always wanted kids, it’s you that doesn’t!”
He comes across as LAZY! If it’s cleaning then he doesn’t want to do it, in fact, if my husband doesn’t want to do something he will come up with the most ridiculous excuses including: I asked him to stop at the pharmacy for something a while back when he went out to get smokes and gas (the gas station and the pharmacy are literally across the street from each other!!) he came back without whatever it was that I asked for and told me that he didn’t want to waste gas starting the car twice so he didn’t go to the pharmacy….and he was serious, like it was a logical explanation and was upset I didn’t accept that as a valid response.
When we first moved in together we set out a list of chores for the both of us, and he’s not gone ONE week without accomplishing everything on his chore list, NOT ONE WEEK! Furthermore, the weight and responsibility of the house and our daughter's wellbeing lies squarely on me, despite trying to guilt me into giving him more responsibility. He constantly asked for more responsibility re: us, the house, our daughter but then I ask him about the things he’s responsible for (even outside the chores) and he’s not taken care of any of them…..
Also, the minute I feel put out/hurt/angry etc he’s defensive and can’t connect to what I’m saying. Like if I’m hurt by how he handled the situation/something he doesn’t understand.
I’m at a point now where I want to walk away. I’m tired of making an effort and having him continue to point out flaws in them. I’m tired of coming home to a disaster because his intent was to clean up the minute before I got home and he forgot. I’m tired of him saying what he feels like, knowing full well that it’s hurtful only to apologize about it later. I’m tired of the childishness behaviour. I’m tired of taking the brunt of everything! Picked on, despite my efforts, his laziness, his excuses, his lies, his self-entitlement and right now, his self-righteousness.
He’s burnt his bridge with a few of my family members, promising to do them some carpentry work and never did, he’s burned his bridges with a few of my friends because when he stole $600 from the family pot with only my income to support us both, I broke down in tears asking them for help on what I should do about the bills that were going to bounce, my parents no longer have patience for him, they don’t trust him, agree with his actions, and they certainly don’t respect him….
So I wonder, is it really worth it to move on….. he’s ruined his relationship with so many people I’m close to, I’d hate to think it would remain as such for ever, will I ever have a clean house where both partners contribute, someone who will listen to my feelings and address them, someone who can admit to his faults and work at trying to improve them…..will I ever have an adult as a partner, and not a child? Cause I’m not sure how much more I can handle……