Recent Topics

  • by: Lynnw - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I divorced my ADD husband 10 years ago. We remained in touch because of the kids, and now the anger and pain have cooled and we are good friends. He wants to move back in with me when he retires in a couple of years. We have fun together and get along well, but ONLY because he doesn't live here and I put no pressure at all on him. When he stays the weekend (he has no interest in any kind of intimacy), I think of him as a guest; if he does some thing to help out (he likes to cook, and does a few repair jobs) I thank him. HOWEVER, if he moves back in, I don't want a permanent house guest; he will have to have some responsibilities, and that's where the trouble will start. He swears he's changed, but how can I know? He still does irritating things like interrupt me mid-sentence.

    Every time I seriously consider letting him move back, I have nightmares of all the pain and misery..I wake up crying.. How can I get over that? How can he prove that he's changed before he gets back into my house (last time it took a year to pry him out). He won't discuss the past, and thinks we should just forget everything that happened before (it's etched into my mind; I can't forget).. If I bring up an incident, he doesn't remember it, or remembers it differently than I do, and just says "If I did that, it wasn't intentional". If he doesn't remember the past, takes no responsibility for it, and has that disconnect between his intentions and actions, how can he change? How can I trust him again? Should I ever trust him again?

  • by: Lynnw - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Do any of you non-ADD spouses ever get apologies from the ADD person? In my house, my ADD husband would do or say something that even he knew hurt me, but (this was a real conversation):

    ME: It really hurt me when you did that

    HIM: Don't you think I know that? Do you have to rub my nose in it? Don't you think I've suffered enough?

    ME: Sorry

    Wait, what? Did I just apologize to HIM? Crazy-making.

     

  • by: add - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    This blog is filled with so many, mostly women, who have agonized for so many years over their husbands ADD behaviors.  I did the same thing, too, until after 25 years he had an affair (one of many I am sure) and walked out on the family.  Where is he today?  He's on a cruise enjoying himself with his girlfriend.  Where am I?  I am totally alone dealing with our son who is ADD, has a very good possibility of being bipolar and suffers from severe depression.  What I would give to have the years back and to have made the decision years ago to end it.  A message to all women - don't be financially dependent on your husband!  Biggest mistake I ever made!!! 

  • by: Strangebird - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    My Husband's answer to every problem, big or small, has always been to get a divorce.  I've always said, he's lived for 23 years with one foot out the door.  Having only recently been diagnosed, and only starting meds a week ago, I was determined to ride this out for awhile.  But now he just seems calmer, more resolved, and I guess peaceful about a divorce.  Now I've been cut out of his counseling altogether, he's bordering on anxious to move on to his new and improved life WITHOUT ME!  I'm thinking about going away for the weekend with no warning.  Every weekend for about a month I've said I'm going to go, and he'd respond that he would go but he wouldn't.  He'd stay here and fight with me all weekend and tear me down and destroy me, in front of our kids.  Has anyone tried to just leave for a 48 hour period, leave a note, what is the likely response?  I've never done anything like this because I've been petrified of losing him, but I feel like I already have and I really need some space.  His answer to everything is divorce, and now he's resolved and his answer to everything is to work out the details of the divorce.  Should I get up Friday morning and just take off?  should I tell him I'm going?  Should I shut my phone off?  Help!

  • by: franchesca lira - 1 month 3 weeks ago
    Hello everybody I'm new to this blogging thing so bear with me. You see I have a wonderful husband of 30 yrs. Undiagnosed (except by me)but has every symptom of adult add. So that's why we've been driving each other crazy all these years. Lol . It wasnt funny back then but i can laugh about it now.cuz we r still together which is a miracle .and we can only give thanks to God. I wouldn't be able to love my husband and appreciate his strengths in "my self love." But because I know how deep Gods love is for me Im able to love him through his weaknesses. Buddah who.? .
  • by: KristinaS - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    My husband has been diagnosed for 18 mths. He takes ritalin and it has helped a lot - he also exercises and has quite a healthy lifestyle... but he adamantly refuses to make any behavioural changes. This means he still forgets what I say, doesn't follow through on agreements, rushes off in all sorts of directions (we are rennovating our house) causing no end of havoc and wasting time and money.

    We talk through what might help - including writing things down, always consulting before deciding etc - he does it petulantly for a day or two and it quickly goes out the window.

    He says making these changes would be 'stifling' that it would mean he would no longer be himself - he doesn't see why he should have to adapt to a world that he thinks should work better for him!

    I'm really stuck. I work at home and I can't cope with the fact that most days when I leave my computer to go and see how he's doing - I'm going to find some ADD thing going on - definitely not what we discussed and agreed at breakfast... I'm exhausted and worn down by it...

    I feel there's nothing more I can do - so I've decided to stop trying to find any solutions and just keep stating what's a problem for me - stop work on the house (our worst battleground) and leave it to him to work out what he wants to do - which I have to accept may mean leaving me. 

    Is that the right thing to do? Has anyone else successfully overcome this barrier?

  • by: kotf - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I'm not sure if I even really want to know the answer to this... I guess I'm afraid I already do... 

    The self-centeredness, all the running around, projects taking priority, poor communication, the lack of connection - this is why our marriage ended.  I haven't had any contact with him for the last couple weeks, and this time has been so hard for me. As difficult as it was, and as much as I know that it's probably for the best (for me - and him too I geuss) that it's over between us, I miss his terribly and love him and it's so hard... I wonder, does he miss me?  

    I didn't feel loved in the relationship - not properly - not as much as I wanted or had experienced in the past. But, he insisted he did love me, and I did feel it from him (in his way.) So, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by wondering whether or not he thinks about me/misses me at all.  It's a continuation of the central problem our marriage faced.  But, what do you all think?  Do they miss us when it's over? Or do they just run and run and get into their projects and not think much about it at all.  

    Shoot me straight. I can take it.   

  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I asked my H if he would help me with a volunteer project and he refused.  I reminded him that I would regularly help him with the children's chess club at our parish school that he used to volunteer at.

    H responded with a total lie (which he TRULY believed!!!).  He said that I had gone to the school principal's office and had volunteered HIM for the job.  I knew that that wasn't true AT ALL, but at the moment, I couldn't remember how H had gotten involved.  (It wasn't my thing, so my own memory about that wouldn't be fresh.)   

    Anyway....I certain knew that I had NOT gone to the principal's office and I had not volunteered him.  No way would I have done that.  I had no history of doing things like that anyway.  NONE...no history AT ALL.  

    H argued and INSISTED that I had done this behind his back.  He began raging at me about it.  I just insisted that I hadn't done it, but H wouldn't believe me.  

    For a few days, I racked my brain TRYING to remember the events surrounding his early involvement with that Chess club.  I finally asked  our kids if they remembered.  They did.  They reminded me that one Sunday, we had read in the Church bulletin that the parish school had a Chess Club that met on Wednesday afternoons.  And since H loves chess, he immediately said that he was going to start bringing our kids to that group (H had flex time at work that would allow him to go).   Then after they had been going for a couple of months, the director of the club told my H that the director was moving out of state, so he asked my H to take over the group, which my H agreed to doing.   Periodically, my H would have to go on business trips that would conflict, and I would "pitch in" and take over in his absence.   

    Oh my....as soon as our kids reminded me of what really happened, I was in shock.  Of course what the kids said was completely true, but H had created a  story out of NOTHING blaming me for "volunteering him" when I had not been involved in that aspect at all.  I wasn't even present when that director asked my H to take over.  

    Of course I confronted my H with the truth, and of course he then remembered (he could hardly deny it since our kids totally remembered it), but he did not apologize for his false accusations or his raging that followed.

    My question is....was this a case of "now" and "not now" ?    At the time, (now) he wasn't remembering how he became the director, so his mind somehow created a story that would "fit"????

  • by: don't want to b... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    There is so much good information and discussion on this forum.  However, I can't seem to find a situation like mine, which on face value seems like it out to be simple but is not.  I am 44 year old male.  I have had all the classic symptoms my whole life, so has my brother and father.  I was always told that I probably had it but I never knew that there was anything you could do about the way you have always been.  Also, while a pain to me and all around me, ADD had never reared its ugly head and actually caused major damage to my life.  I have always been very adventurous and fearless in business (thrill seeking symptom I never knew existed) and that has led to some exciting times in our lives and some huge crashes as well.  After a long sales career working from straight commission jobs, to Dell, to Internet & Technology startups in Austin, I was always looking for the next step up and usually had to as many of these positions were high risk and would cause me to lose my job and have to start over again.  Anyway, my wife and I had just had our first child and had always wanted to move back to our hometown from Austin.  We both have a lot of family their but the job market is very limited.  So, as a result, I had to struggle through numerous years of unsatisfying and dead end positions to stay in our home town.  Ultimately, I got this major opportunity to go into Real Estate Development and start my own subdivision on an old golf course and build these beautiful cottage style houses(major stimulus & creative outlet, dream career).  This actually happened in 2005 and it was amazing until 2008 when the mortgage crash killed the economy.  I spent the next 3-4 years suffering through a failing business that should be thriving and going through and almost unbearable roller coaster of utter failure, embarrassment, shame, denial and ultimately complete depression(which I didn't know I had) and serious thoughts of suicide.  You couple the business issues which wouldn't and couldn't end and which kept blowing things up at home, my denial of an un-repairable business situation and refusal to quit desperately trying to save it, with what ended up being ADD symptoms coming to an enormous head and literally turning me into a terrible, sick mentally & physically person.  I was so out of control, raging anger, all the worst symptoms of depression, and then falling right behind that, ever worsening ADD that I truly didn't know was there and was it's own thing that would only progress, even as we put the business issues behind us.  

    Fast forward to about 1.5-2 years ago.  We had to file bankruptcy and that almost ended our marriage, we made it through that and we kept getting into these huge, very aggressive and long lasting fight to the death arguments.  My wife was at her wits end again as was I, frustrated at her rage against me and her unwillingness to understand me.  We agreed to counseling.  It took 6 months and a lot of heart ache and hard work for me to earn her back.  Somewhere in the counseling when relapse after relapse kept happening, we finally figured out it was my ADD.  This was a revelation, however, so much damage had been done again, there was a long period of purgatory.  During this time, I threw myself into research, read every book out there on ADD.  Made voracious notes and finally got to the point that I could teach the stuff.  Now the situation gets worse.  My frustration and anger is building with each page that I read and learn that I am not just an A-hole who is truly the worst person in the world, I have this very legitimate condition and all the books have all these wonderful techniques for what each part of the couple should be doing and it all makes sense and seems like Nirvana.  If I could only get my wife to subscribe to some of it and let go of some of her anger and rage towards me for just about anything ADD that I did.  So, I am now becoming increasingly angry that this problem can be managed and contained if we are both working at it and learning all this wonderful information and techniques to avoid the escalations.  We can manage a few months of peace at the most and something I do always hits an emotional trigger for her.  I have a hard time containing myself or giving in when she reverts back to her original anger when a trigger hits as if we don't have any of the knowledge on this blog or the many books and therapy sessions we have absorbed.  

    I am not the person that seems to be described throughout this blog, who cheats on his wife over and over, who won't go to therapy, who really doesn't want to work on it or doesn't even think that he has a problem.  I was so overjoyed when I found out what this was and read Melissa Orlovs book and thought all the answers are right here.  Thank god.  However, that is not how things have gone.  I can't seem to maintain an equilibrium of control with my ADD and my wife seems to be going backwards with every outburst of mine.  I recently got in a stressful situation and when that happens my ADD is at its worst and can take over.  My wife asked me a very abrupt question about something that I was supposed to have completed, and in the heat of the moment, I got nervous and lied to cover myself from further pain.  Once she discovered that I want so badly for this not to ruin my marriage.  I have a beautiful wife and a family that I am so blessed to have.  What in the hell do I do?

  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Tonight, after all these years, I broke down and cried as I realized that our home isn't the place of peace and comfort that a home should be.  

    It was heart-breaking knowing that my H's mental issues have prevented our family from having the "home is safe" environment.  At any time he can become extremely angry, we walk on eggshells, and that's not what "home" is supposed to be like....at all.   My home growing up was not like that.  Sadly, H's father raged, so he got a bad image of what's "ok".

     

    For many years I encouraged H to work a lot, go to the gym a lot....really to keep him out of our hair.  But since he had a hip replacement and then later retired, the more recent years have been spend with him around the house more...causing trouble.

     

     

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