Recent Topics

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    The past 4 months have been glorious. H has not missed a day of work in that time. I wasn't aware that he had turned off his FMLA all this time. However him being off for 10 days on paid vacation has gotten him back into that whole "I don't feel like going to work" mode. He went back last Friday but then this past Monday decided he didn't want to go in for whatever reason. So he had to spend the day calling the doctor, seeing the doctor and getting his FMLA turned back on so he wouldn't get reprimanded for a day off. He tells me that it's only good for 2 days a month. Well that didn't mean anything before because you ended up still taking weeks off without pay.

    Last night he tells me about how his check was only $1000 because there was no OT on it and how tomorrow (today) he's going to work a 12 hour day and go in Saturday as well. He was all hyped to do all this. I should have known that with all the hype means he isn't going to do it. He was supposed to go in at 3AM today but he kept resetting his alarm. he gets up at 4 and texts his boss that he won't be in.  He comes back in to bed and I say "Not going in?" and he goes "I feel like shit. I have sore throat." Aw poor baby! Can't work because of a sore throat! He really milked it too and followed that up with a few sniffles but then immediately fell asleep and started snoring. Gee, when you have a sore throat you can never sleep! So another unpaid day today and since he didn't work today, he can't work on Saturday. Now he's down 2 days on this paycheck. Now he can sit home and play his video game all day.

    On top of all this he's been telling me all week that he's got a surprise planned for me on Saturday and hyping it up every day about how fun it's going to be. I've gotten excited about it but now he is supposedly sick and I'm sure he will cancel it.

  • by: Emily1997 - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I've been married almost 18 yrs, together 20.  I was 30 when we met & had two previous short marriages which I left because my husbands "I've got to have kids" clocks went off....and yes I was clear on it before we wed. After each I attended counseling to make sure my emotions were in a healthy place to date again.  Anyway husband #3 & I have been in marital counseling 4x over the years, usually initiated by my not being able to deal with his anger & mood swings.  He also said he didn't know what was going on, sometimes depressed or angry for a week.  We'd stay in counseling until he felt better about things. At first he thought he was paying a counselor to tell me I'm messed up and it didn't happen but even so I was pretty beat up every session.  My having more say was always meant to be next time and so he felt better. Meanwhile we'd read marriage books, about 15 over the years, do the exercises & discuss them. It never stuck more than a couple months.  I'd also spend time reading other information on the internet that I read of in the books.  I'd spend a few hours a week reading about healthy marriages & sending some articles to my husband.  No matter what he didn't seem to have time for me.  I wasn't a priority, my health was not a priority. We spend at least 50% of our time apart due to his job & when he is home it is tense.  I also travel to other countries. I occasionally asked him how he felt about our marriage among other things & he always reassured me he was sure. Thankfully early on we put me in charge of finances. I felt he really didn't like me as a human.

    Year 15 his anger was particularly intense even though we were on opposite sides of the planet.  I suggested counseling to help us figure things out & he was diagnosed w/ ADD.  Let me clarify that the first thing this doctor did was tell him it was not ok to talk to me that way or even think about me that way & I should not let him do it ever again.  Good by me as others had wanted to know his "why" which then took the entire session.  The doctor suggested resources, my husband didn't do any but it did give me a tool to help w/ his anger.  He cannot medicate because of his job but he hasn't done any of the other suggestions. We did read a short e-book & he does send me the occasional article on how I should deal with him.  I often hear "well you know that is just how I am".  At that time I remember a crazy thought going through my head "I can make it until retirement".  I learned all I could on the internet and even found this site...that was 2011. I sent the link to my husband.

    Six months later I had developed heart health problems. Year 17 (once again he was on FB instead of doing something w/ me re. anniversary).  That day I started reading "am I in a healthy relationship?" instead of "how to save my marriage" and site after site it was NO.  So after 2 years (fr 2012) I have traced it back to the stress of my marriage.  I went to individual counseling as I felt like I was grieving my marriage & anxiety of being reunited w/ my husband.  I was told that it might not just be the ADD.  I couldn't think of one time I'd felt at peace in my marriage, not even the first couple years. I have felt that I was loved a couple times. What if we get to retirement, he decides to medicate and our relationship is still the same?  I continued counseling.  I showed him the tests I did on #17 and he agrees on my answers & showed me how his are different.

    Looking back I realize I enabled him because I didn't want the anger and the blaming.  I believed in making a marriage work, work & sacrifice it was.  Until 2011 he thought everything was my fault, openly said so and treated me as if I was defective. Not horrible, but lots of little things all the time, it became my norm.  I also realized through counseling that I had many self coping things that I'd been doing since the beginning & my body had run out of options.  I think my husband is a pretty aware guy so I decided to discuss some things with him.  It was 3 hours of my taking notes. I was in shock for 3 days & alone on my 50th birthday, it was rough.  He had married me out of guilt, he had wanted to divorce me 4x (remember the 4x above?), he stopped wanting to do things with me at year 2, he stopped trying to actively change me at year 10, he really wanted out year 5-6 but pretended it was a phase & accepted that "better or worse" & our marriage was a worse.  He expected me to be an entirely independent entity even though I had to stop work when we moved outside of the US-this explains $$ attitudes & having a lifestyle that didn't include me.  He admitted he has grown to love me.

    I have done most things in our relationship once I stopped working, including things in his life. I felt I was getting things done so we could spend time together & he thought I was earning my keep.  Once I even proposed a salary so I could set my own work hours.  We stopped holidays & celebrations-prep is too much stress. He goes to work & often cooks dinner.  I now realize he dumping all his life stuff on me made it so I have no life. I was delusional in thinking I was appreciated. His finding out he has ADD just gave him an excuse to continue.  We have both been in trying mode the entire time. When he would realize it he buried his head in the sand (year 5-6), when I finally realized it (year 17) I took action and now want out.  I don't see ADD as a reason to not be honest with your spouse.  Especially considering this spouse gave up their job, life to support your career.  ADD may impact how it is handled such as viewing time, impulse issues, procrastination but being ok w/ "worse" and lies by omission I'm not okay with at all.  

    When I first started reading this site I thought that the problems in our marriage must be the ADD. I've been actively coping w/ his ADD since 2011, many things were already tools we used. We tried marital counseling again, he does only what the counselor says (kiss wife goodnight++), he does not do his homework and tells me I'm in a phase or should take a pill or learn to accept things or have more orgasms. Some days he tells me he wouldn't want to be married to him either. Another one he wants to be invited if I marry again. Neither of us have regrets yet accept it is not a happy/healthy place for either of us. The truth is still confusing.  I'll do what I can to help w/ his anger but things after attempt #2 got so intense we both realized he needs a professional....which he hasn't scheduled yet.  He schedules marital counseling when I say I'm going to individual, that is what reminds him.  If the counselor says do 4 things, 4 got it.  We have mastered being tolerant & know the right things to do in a relationship.  We are good roommates.  As long as what I do does not impact/inconvenience him in any way we are good. I have asked for discernment counseling to figure out if we should be together at all.  Because of the ADD I've offered to help him with logistics of his life and do all the legal requirements if we get to that. He says he will pay me for logistics help.

    I think ADD is a contributor but in our case things turned out to be more than just "issues" or ADD.  We should all dig deeper to be sure what we are dealing with.  I almost lived my life in a false reality.

  • by: dark - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I met him as he was divorcing his ex wife. She left him. He said at the time she complained he wasn't there for her. She was finishing medical school, they had challenging behavior issues with their (out of control spoiled) toddler, and she was having a complicated 2nd pregnancy. He chose that time to run for public office during a midterm election. A few months later she dumped him for the guy she was sleeping with at work.

    I actually thought she was crazy to leave him. He's ivy league educated, attractive, funny, romantic... why would she destroy their life? I married him about a year after we started dating.

    I had an incredibly demanding (like, life or death demanding) social work job that required frequent round the clock on-call time. He was a board member for some local agencies, and was tinkering around with a startup nonprofit He did not earn a paycheck, but had a trust fund that seemed to make ends meet. So while I was racing from client meeting to client meeting, not even getting lunch breaks all day, he was having 2 hour lunches with other politicos, and enjoying his quiet fancy downtown office space. I quickly became the person who picked up all his slack with *his* young children.  

    A year after marrying, I had completely burned out; something had to give. My agency was being taken over by another agency I didn't trust. My clients were just as challenging as ever. But I would rush home to relieve his nanny by 5:30 (she watched his two kids all day in the home but he was always late so I had to be there by 5:30 on the dot). I'd cook and serve and play mother to hischildren (my mistake), while he would bore me to DEATH with his never-ending, completely tone-deaf retellings of his days' work. Occasionally he'd ask how my day went, apparently expecting a quick, tidy answer. Usually when I tried to answer, his older child would choose that moment to have a tantrum, which he'd divert his whole attention to. Or else his eyes would glaze over and he'd seem to be totally ignoring me. I tested that theory many times - it was true. I ended up quitting my dream job to replace his nanny. This was one of my few regrets in life. I did bond with his children and we did correct behavior issues, but I lost myself by doing that. I think that's all he really wanted, too. A live in nanny for free. 

    I slowly figured out during our first year married that he was...fake. He went through the motions, and would appear to be progressive, but he only focused on exactly what he wanted to focus on. He pretended to be paying attention to me when I was talking, but he wasn't. His then 2-year-old would wear the same diaper for 6 hours when in his care. The step-kids would go crazy from a lack of leadership, or basic needs on the weekends, when he should have been dealing with them. They were lucky if he remembered to give them lunch by 2 --he usually didn't, and they woke up no later than 5 am back then. Their lack of basic needs under his sole care provoked even worse behavior from his children. That's when the nagging began in our relationship. He wouldn't take initiative to parent his kids or work on their behavior issues without being told over and over that he needed to do it. I got him a discipline book called 123 Magic, and I badgered him to read and implement the teachings on his children. It was awful for both of us, but over the next few years his kids finally behaved in a healthier, age-appropriate manner. Even the kids' mom appreciated it. I was so miserable and lonely. I had no idea I was marrying someone who would suck all my spirit and energy and give me nothing back. No emotional support, no more romantic behavior. In fact, he openly ogled other women after we were married, began telling me stupid compulsive lies, developed a porn addiction (which he still denies was an addiction) and by the 2nd year of marriage he had completely destroyed our trust. 

    He's very bright, (but only in an intellectual capacity, literally zero street smarts or common sense, and no housekeeping skills). He has parenting skills now but they are the kind that would completely go away if he wasn't held accountable by someone. I do not allow him to prepare meals for me or our toddler because he can't remember basic safety things, like not to use a dirty rag to dry a wet plate. He doesn't wipe down counters and he can't remember that the dog isn't allowed in the kitchen. So everything he prepares contains dog hair and god knows what bacteria. But the main concern is he doesn't know how to cook. He doesn't know how to thaw something that is frozen. He went to Harvard. Twice. But he has to read the box every time he prepares instant macaroni and cheese.  Every meal he prepares is instant or a reheating of something I've prepared. It's been 6 years this fall and I still have to tell him that children need carbs. I've probably said it 500 times. When I met him he was in good shape and I suspect now it was because he literally could not feed himself. He used to make me "lobster soup" which was actually just prepackaged lobster heated up. The "broth" was the water it was packed in. It tasted like lobster in water. Because that's what it was. 

    A good example of his bad common sense is I suspected some of the jewelry he'd given to me had been his ex-wife's. I confronted him and he denied it. He continued to deny it for 4 years, even shaming me for being of such low character that I'd make such a nasty accusation. Even in front of multiple marriage counselors.  The thing is, he doesn't *believe* others could possibly notice the details he can't see. So despite my finding a *receipt* exactly describing the fancy bracelet he gave me that was actually purchased the day before his last big anniversary with his ex, and despite my listing the things that were suspicious about a few of the gifts he gave me, and despite my conversation with his ex where she said YES, THOSE ARE MINE THANK YOU, he held on to that lie. Until about six months ago when I cornered him randomly and he confessed. I still can't actually believe anyone would do that to someone they loved. I sensed well before I had hard evidence that something was wrong with those pieces, and I never wore them. I really don't know if I could ever trust anyone again after it, I hope that doesn't sound absurd. It just rattled me for some reason I can't quite articulate today. 

    Another example of his lack of common sense is he regularly would put me in disturbing situations, despite my asking him to stop. A few times he was oblivious to creepy people who were approaching us in bad parts of town when we were dressed up. He'd get in the car and take forever to unlock my door from the inside. Once a crazy guy came running up to me and started demanding that I give him money. My husband just sat in the car and waited until I handled it. Fortunately, as a social worker I have a clue. But it would've been nice if I had someone who had my back, ever. In the winter he'd get out of the car at the gas station and leave his door open so we'd all have to freeze and breathe in fumes while he pumped gas. 

    He has bad boundaries with his family and jumps when they say jump (please pardon that awful cliche). I don't know if it's a typical ADD thing, but it seems like it could be, because it appears to be more about his reflexive fear of not meeting people's demands than about pleasing them. I think if it were about pleasing them, he'd have chosen a different wife. As it happens, a lot of them don't like me. I don't let them control my life the way they used to control his life for him and I expect privacy and respect and the right to raise my own kids and have my own traditions without them constantly in my face. They have not been kind to me, but he could not protect me from them any more than he could protect me from the creepy guy in the theatre district or the cold air at the gas station. At this point I have taken it on my self to lay the line for us both. I will not have anything to do with a couple of his family members. He weakly goes along with this when I'm watching, but pretends everything is fine with them when I'm not present. It's just bizarre. The whole thing stinks. 

    What else, oh, he regularly gets in traffic accidents. I refuse to share my vehicle because he crashed it (small fender benders) 3-4 times in the 2 years I've owned it. Every time the kids told me, because he forgot it happened. His car looks like an old tin can. 

    He drinks too much.

    He lets me cook and clean and do all the organizing in the house and all the shopping and all the thinking about EVERYTHING for birthdays or holidays, he just shows up and experiences Christmas! Or his kids' birthdays! Or, Valentine's Day! I order my own flowers, my own candy, my own gifts, and I long ago stopped hoping he'd ever get a dinner reservation for a special event. The only Mother's Day events I've attended since knowing him were things I set up for my own mother. He never gets me (or anyone!) a thoughtful gift. All his shopping is last minute. He doesn't do the dishes when I cook despite having that conversation and making that commitment no fewer than 20 times. But the biggest problem we face currently outside of what all I've listed above, is he financially destroyed us.

    We had a piece of valuable land and we built a house on it when we were just married. He mislead me to believe he had a significant amount more wealth than he had. I pointed out several times that it didn't add up, but he insisted we build our dream house. I had to pick everything of course and make all the decisions, but when I hedged over the price of something, he always chimed in with wanting to do it, and that it was an "investment." We barely finished the house. It's still not decorated. The mortgage(s) are underwater. Because he secretly borrowed shocking amounts of money secured by our home, without asking me!,  to start a business that is entering its 4th consecutive year in the red. He has not earned a regular paycheck at any point that I've been with him. We've had several liens on our home, and we have ruined relationships with nearly every contractor we've ever worked with over late payments and bounced checks he's written. (I refuse to write checks from any of our joint accounts!) I have had to -many many times- use my child support from my first husband to buy his kids' dinners, school lunches, clothes, gifts, and medical bills.We will probably lose our home this year. 

    The truth is, the horrible truth I mean, is after all this I really don't love him anymore (well it's like maybe 5% because I have a good memory and there were things I used to love but I'm too angry all the time to care anymore) -- I definitely haven't found him attractive in YEARS; he's essentially another one of my children. I think our marriage is incredibly toxic for our child, we sleep on different ends of the house at my insistence. But I fear & dread divorcing him even more than I fear a lifetime of misery with him. He has a nasty entitled personality that is unshakable. He is rude to waiters, arrogant at parties, and has no consideration of the effects his sloppiness has on our children's lives. But I saw how vicious he was toward his ex during his last divorce. He does not like being left (who would!). But he's totally irrational about it. I have asked countless times but he won't consider an amicable break. I fear I'd be completely ruined by it. I no longer have a job. My former job does not exist. I only have an undergraduate degree..in Political Science. I would be in big trouble if we broke up because he can't/won't pay his bills and he'd do that to us just to spite me.

     But most of all, I can't risk that he'd win half custody and then go on to endanger or neglect our child. I feel that's guaranteed. I could not bear to have him with our son unsupervised overnights. Plus, hell, I don't want to be away from my child overnight! I love being with him all the time. And frankly, this isn't my job, but I'd hate to do that to my step-kids. They need me and they love me. I no longer try to be their other mom (I've taken a different approach and it's healthier) but without me they don't even get fed. Who in their life would notice if they need a nebulizer? Neither of their parents can manage to do that currently. For my husband, it's not about what is in the child's best interest, but what he wants, what he feels he deserves. So for now I'm staying. It is unbelievably awful. 

    I used to think he was a narcissist, or some kind of crazy spoiled brat. Maybe he is, but after reading more about narcissism, I realized he doesn't quite qualify because he has a fair amount of empathy. It just doesn't cause him to change anything. I mean, he feels remorseful when he' busted for being horribly selfish. I suspect he has adult ADHD based on several hours of web research. Someone I know recommended that I look up Dr Hallowell's books so I've just ordered them from Amazon today. I'm sure the Mr will get right on reading those ...

    I'm not sure if this is a good thing but my husband desperately wants me to stay and claims to love me. It seems like a bunch of crap to me, but he does try,every day, to do things "right." 

    My next step is I'm seeing a financial lawyer to try to protect whatever is left of the value of our shared property....

     

  • by: lostincalifornia - 1 month 4 weeks ago

    sorry

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 4 weeks ago

    I am blown away! So H didn't get me anything for my birthday and then yesterday, about 1 1/2 weeks after my birthday, I get a package. I open it and find a pullover, half zip-up sweater he got for me. I mean it's nice, but it's not anything I would have bought for myself or looked twice at. I look up the website and find the sweater and it is $318!!! A SWEATER!! It is from Norway and made of 100% wool, but why on earth would he spend that much money on a sweater for me when he still can't pay his total share of the bills?! Plus, we live in Seattle so it's not like it gets so cold that you need a heavy wool sweater. On top of that, I see that he charged it to his credit card. He needs to be getting his balance down to $0 and this just canceled out all the progress he's made trying to bring it down. I am just never going to wear this. Maybe if I was as skier it would be great, but it's too darn warm to wear around here. 

    I just don't get his logic! I can't give you my share of the rent this month but here's a $300 sweater! And I'm sure I will hear from him just how much he spent on it and he will hold that over my head. He does one thing for me and he acts like I should bow down before him. Yet I pay his share of the bills month after month but yet I never rub that in his face.

  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 2 months 9 hours ago

    My H is not self-aware at all. First of all, he talks constantly, unless he is distracted by TV, the internet or something else. When he's distracted, then he "allows" silence. When he's not distracted, then I better be "at the ready" to listen to his non-stop drivel. I relish the times that he's at the gym, but since he works from home, he's around 24/7. I run a business from home as well. He has little/no respect for the time I must spend on my business. He will "say" that he does, but in truth, he can barely keep quiet for a minute while I'm working on something....he'll constantly say, "are you done"? Lately he has been claiming that he's "talking a lot less"....no, he's not. He gets angry if I suggest tape-recording him....likely because he doesn't want to be faced with facts that will contradict his claims. What can I do?

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 2 months 13 hours ago

    Today I was trouble-shooting my own Non-ADHD brain.  

    What I have determined, at least for today, LOL!, is this reality:  I do not like everything being a battle of the wits.  I do not like being in the spot of defending what I want or like.  I will not explain and explain and explain my wants, hopes and desires. I will not abandon my desires based solely on the fact that it causes discomfort for my spouse.   

    Our yard is 10 acres.

    I am a college student.

    My spouse if a self employed construction worker.

    There are of piles of construction materials on our property.

    I do not like having to look at all the piles of stuff.

    We talked about installing a 8 foot privacy fence to create a visual boundary for me.  I set aside the funds.  We got a few estimates.  We had the full amount necessary to pay for it.  We scheduled it.  The company called to finalize the color of the fence.  My spouse told them not to come.  In the end, his thoughts, wisdom, feelings, ideas trumped anything we had agreed on regarding the fence.  In the end, it was a battle.  I won't fight anymore.   

    For me, this was a new 'adventure.'  Trying something in a whole new way.  

    I understand how his brain works.  I am just no longer willing to "put up with it."  It is not okay that he takes over and changes everything while I just sail along for the ride.  He may not FEEL like it was a wise choice.  I want to agree upon things, not feel controlled by his anger. 

    He adamantly denies 'cancelling' the fence.

    I cannot do this sort of thing anymore.  It zaps everything from me.

    I am not willing to play the game of he calls to say do not come, and then I call to say "Yes, come and put up that fence."  How utterly stupid is this.  

    I have dropped my side, and left the contest.  I lost, and am not willing to fight anymore.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • by: Hoffe frau - 2 months 16 hours ago

    I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. I have stayed quiet because I do not like confrontation or conflict. But honestly, I do not always feel cherished, loved, honored or respected. Instead, there are times that I feel unappreciated, lonely, betrayed, distrustful, and angry. I have been holding in a lot of anger and hurt feelings for quite some time. I have come up with every excuse in the book not to talk about it. I can no longer not talk about it. It only makes me more resentful. I know that I have let too much go and I do feel horrible for letting so much build up. But I was trying to be patient and hopeful. I was trying to place faith in my partner and our relationship. All the while, not understanding or taking consideration of his ADD. But I hoped that in telling him how I feel, that he would understand that this is my effort in making things right. He had been open in telling me how he felt, all the while I had been holding back.

    We have both made excuses for his ‘acts’ by saying that is nothing more than something that he show interest in. But in the end, it does bother me. It does make me feel insignificant. I have told him how it makes me feel when he gets online and chat. Yet, he continues to and worse yet, he talks to women. But even worse than just chatting, he has expressed and encouraged the anticipation of physical contact. I know, because I occasionally check his computer and phone. I know this is deceitful, but felt I had no other choice, as he is not truthful when I ask what he was doing or who he was chatting with. Maybe that has to do with his ADD, that he is looking for that initial excitement like we had in the beginning of our relationship. I know that he has mentioned it several times. I know that we talked about how we hoped we would never lose that. But relationships do change. Everyone gets into that comfort level. Does he realize that he has made some women feel as I did in the beginning of our relationship? Ravished with both the attention and affection, because for a woman, the attention and affection are a key component to being attracted to a man. But in his mind, it is nothing more than an ‘act’ or a game. He gets so caught up in the act, that he do not realize the hurt he causes. I feel like he is so caught up in the excitement, as well as getting them to tell secrets, that he forgets to consider their feelings or even what they must think of him. Not to mention, my feelings.

    He has lied and cheated, I feel, with little effort or remorse. He tries to justify his indiscretions by saying it was a mistake, but it means so much more to me. I may can excuse the act, but I cannot forgive how easily he does it. Yes, I agree that I was and can be despondent. But he assumed the worst and just allowed himself to cheat. I know it happened more than once. But either way, no matter how many times it may have or have not happened, it indicates how easily our relationship can be disregarded for his needs over mine.

  • by: HopeGreen - 2 months 20 hours ago

    Hi,

    My boyfriend and I started dating 3 months ago tomorrow and we've already experiences some pretty bad lows. We broke up briefly because I was entirely ignorant and did not understand what it meant for him to have ADD/ADHD. Obviously, i will never fully understand but I was under the misguided impression but it only affected them in terms of getting work done.We are trying to be long distance now and had gone a month without seeing each other. I live in Chicago and he lives in Indiana (neither of us drive.) We broke up because the more stressed he became about his situation, the less he called or texted and the more he broke his plans to actually visit. We maintained a friendship over the next couple of weeks which honestly still felt like a relationship. At some point, i became confused because he never stopped trying to talk to me and even wanted to get back together when I finally did see him. His words completely did not mirror his actions so I started reading up on ADD and thought maybe that's what the problem is. We dropped the love bomb and I promised to take his situation into account more since I had done some reading on the subject prior to seeing him again. He said he will pay more attention to me and make sure to call every night before bed and try to commit to seeing each other at least once a week. I know right now is a stressful time for him so I am trying to understand but I honestly can't. I've been through this kind of thing with men before and it usually meant they did not really care about me at all. I am finding this hard to believe with him because I have given him so many opportunities to just be casual and not in a relationship but each time he insists he wants us to make a serious attempt at this. What can I focus on to not get so upset when he does not call or text? He was supposed to call last night but he was hanging out with his best friend and it seems like he forgot. Second day in a row. The night before he said he was locked into a conversation with his brother so could not get away to call. I've been on the receiving end of one of is adorable long rants when he gets on a subject but it still makes me wonder is this because of ADHD or is this a guy who does not like me much. I guess my main question here is how can you tell if they are forgetting to call, text or make plans because of their ADHD or if they are just truly not really invested? I'm also worried that he told me he loved me during one of his hyper states and does not really mean it? It was completely random we were just walking down the street and he blurted it out.

    Please help because I do love him and want to make sure I do this right if he truly wants to be with me.

  • by: Txnbyga1972 - 2 months 22 hours ago

    I'm sorry for the length of this post, but I have 25 yrs of marriage to cover. I have ADHD, diagnosed for ten yrs and take meds that help tremendously. My wife and I recently came to the end of our marriage and have now decided to reconcile instead of getting a divorce. We love each other very much and its the only thing holding us together. For several years, I made the typical ADHD mistakes of moving us around for something better and it took a toll. We moved 14 times in 11 years. I have always worked hard (not smart) to provide a nice lifestyle for my family. I have come to realize that this has caused more damage than good and that in hindsight, I was giving to my family to stroke my own ego vs. what was best for them. About 15 yrs ago, I started a business that required me to travel. Sometimes I was gone all week, for the majority of the time, I would estimate 2-3 times per week. This left my wife at home a lot with 2 girls to raise. One of which is ADHD like me. Both girls are grown, one in college. My wife and I were married right out of high school and never had support. At one point, we were on Medicaid and food stamps to get through college. My wife came from an abusive home where things that I hear about, I cant even fathom. I am from a divorced home, had a great childhood because of nearby grandparents that loved unconditionally. Father was bullying and angry, mother was disconnected and worked a lot. I have recently come to the realization that I should have worked harder to really understand my wife's needs. She has many times in the past, told me how the travelling has effected her. However, when we sat down to discuss it, the realization that if I were to do something else, there would be many nights that I would not be home and it would mean that she would need to take a job. We are both Nurses and would need to work nights or 12 hr shifts. I point this out because I remember these conversations. But now my wife, doesnt take any culpability in coming to this conclusion and believes that I was just some overbearing ogre that said how it was going to be and that was that. I try to see it this way and end up remembering conversations that we had where my wife discussed the positives of decisions only to now learn it was not something that she ever wanted. This is truly driving me crazy. I am second guessing my memory and I dont trust myself to make any decisions. My wife has had several bouts of depression that has lasted as long as 2 yrs at a time. She has always worked hard at being there for our daughters, but the marriage was totally disconnected. Counseling, doctors, and medical bills began to pile up. There were several years where I did have to make all of the decisions with no help, at times, doing what I thought was best for the kids. At one point my wife tried to committ suicide where I found her, induced vomiting and resucitated her until the ambulance came. This was very traumatic. Most of the counseling in the beginning dealt more with the abuse that she grew up with. Then it moved to her unhappy current life and our marriage. I realized several years ago that it was important for me to be in counseling with her and scheduled all appointments and made sure I was there for most of them. My wife has a different recollection of this, and can bring up 1-2 times where I was not there vs. the numerous times I was. In addition, she developed neck and back problems and ultimately had 2 spinal surgeries with several yrs of chronic pain. She has recently gotten better with the last surgery, but in order to cope with all of this, I made poor decisions for myself (overeating to the point that I was hoping I would just have a heart attack and the use of porn for sexual gratification when there was nothing in the marriage) Im not proud of the choices I made. I recognize now that I should have sought help from someone that cared like family or friends. I tried to keep my wifes depression and mine a secret. I try not to bring these things up to my wife because one, I made my wrong decisions, I own them. Two, i dont want to make her feel bad for things that were not in her control. However, recently she has blamed me for the depression and the physical ailments that she has had. Worse, I recently read studies that proved spouses frequently are the cause of depression. This was an overwhelming crushing blow to realize that my actions when I thought I was doing my best, were the cause of my wifes years of misery. I love her, but very often think that she would be better without me. I am doing many things to change. No more porn which has not really proven to be that difficult for me. I am increasing my connection to God by reading and praying. My wife and I will be looking for a church in hopes to find one where fellowship and counsel can be obtained. I am beginning an exercise plan that includes better nutrition. I know that I have to prove myself for quite some time, but it is difficult when so many comparisons of past mistakes keep being brought up. For example, I needed an item from an electronic store that I recently left in a rental car. I have been very good over the last 5-10 yrs about not leaving or forgetting my stuff when I travel. But this particular trip, was difficult because my wife had asked me to leave, fighting, etc. so I left this item in the rental car. Today I stopped at the electronic store and replaced it. I was thinking after I bought it that this is what my wife is talking about. Making decisions and not including her. I considered returning the item and not telling her for fear of the blowback. Then I thought, no thats dishonest and I need the item for business. So I decided to be honest. I listened to an excellent podcast on the way home that talked about loving your wife as Christ loved the church and I wanted to share this with her also. I am trying to include her on my thoughts and learning more because she says she that I dont do this. So when I get home, I share all of this with her and let her know that I bought the item and I was sorry that it didn't occur to me until after that this was something that should have been discussed as partners and that I would take the item back and possibly buy at another time when it was better. She became upset and reminded me of a time when I was 21 when I bought a golf club that I shouldn't. I felt defeated. I didnt expect a reward. At the same time there was a part of me that felt angry. I am 43, not 21. This was something needed for work and it is not an item that is that expensive (160) in addition its needed for business. I didnt say anything, but it just makes me feel that Im not going to have the energy to make all of these changes when Im paying for things over and over agin from 20yrs ago. Any advice would help. Thank you

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