Recent Topics

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband feels the need to comment on EVERYTHING I do! I was shoveling gravel into a cart to haul to the back and although I was doing it good,  I could do it better if I went from the other side. I make a drink and it's good, but if I put the ice in first rather than last then it's better. So many things. The latest though is the video game playing. I am not a gamer AT ALL but we got the XBox1 which senses your body motion so it gets you active. We got this sports game and every single game in there he tells me how to do it better because he wins every time and then watches me try to finish and feels the need to tell me how to do it better every damn time!. He has told me again and again what I need to do. I get it! I just can't control it so that it makes the corner or slows down or whatever. He has always done this to his daughter too. She'll be having fun playing and then he comes in the room and tells her she should do it this way or whatever and she gets so fed up that she turns it off. He doesn't understand why we get so angry as he's just trying to "help" us. Yet when he goofs like when I get a better start than him he immediately goes "I don't think the console can see me because I should have started faster". Never his fault! An old neighbor stopped by a few weeks ago and he tried playing one of the car racing games. He hit nearly every single obstacle but do you think my husband told HIM how to do it right? Nope he just laughed and said good job. 30 minutes later i"m playing it and every damn corner he's telling me how to do it and then literally came up behind me and put his hands over my hands so I could get a feel for the right way.  I said "How come you didn't say a thing to the neighbor even though he's hit more stuff than I am but you have no problem telling me what to do?" He goes "Because you're my hunney bunney".  No because a guy doesn't tell another guy how to do something. Same with putting up the pop up tent. I still don't get it and get yelled at when we do it but his buddies who can't do it either just get joked around with.

  • by: meerkat - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    In the 3 months I've known my boyfriend it's become increasingly apparent that he probably has ADHD. Whoever here said ADHD people think of time in terms of "now" and "not now" helped me a great deal. Just saw him again after being out of touch nearly a month, during which I was a mess, wondering whether he was gone for good. He was just busy and we're fine.

    History: We met in an impulsive moment. I was standing at a bus stop when he drove by and smiled. I smiled back. A few minutes later he came back around, stopped his car, reached out his hand and said, “You’re beautiful. I’d like to take you out sometime.” Normally I would have thanked the man for the compliment, wished him well and waved him away. But this guy was something else. Gorgeous, beautiful eyes with a sincere gaze, smile that could light up a room. I clasped his hand and knew I wanted to feel more of his energy. We exchanged phone numbers and started talking and texting. The next morning he wanted to stop by on the way to work but I thought that was a bit too quick and said let’s get together in a couple of days. So we did, long walk on a nature trail getting to know each other. Both single and very much alone for several years, similar core values and outlook on life. Electrifying sexual attraction. We became intimate several days after that and he’s the best lover (of many before my self-imposed years of celibacy) I’ve ever had or could imagine: always exciting and creative, passionate yet kind and gentle and concerned about my happiness.

    He’s a former pro athlete sidelined due to an injury, now has his own business. He also coaches a high school team. I’m a self-employed writer and editor working from home but also have a part-time job to help with expenses since clients don’t always pay on time.

    The ADHD stuff: His phone died, he lost my numbers, he says he’ll call later in the day but doesn’t. I’ve come to understand this is because he works until exhausted, then falls asleep. So I text good morning the next day. And then sometimes don’t hear from him for a week or two. Sometimes he seems really depressed, like life will fall apart if he doesn’t resolve a money issue. He texts or calls when he wants to see me, and he always wants to see me immediately. There was progress today because we planned two hours ahead, LOL. We don’t go out because he says he likes to stay at home. He says I’ll see his house someday but I haven’t yet. (I depend on public transportation. He has a car but lives half an hour away and is always worried about having enough gas money.) He visits me at my apartment but we’ve never shared a meal (although I’m a great cook and have invited him several times) or spent the night together because he’s always on the move.

    The sex and conversations we share are wonderful and we’re becoming good friends. Communication in person is excellent. He called me “love” and said I was his girlfriend from the first time we held hands. We agreed to be exclusive and I have no doubt he’s faithful. About six weeks ago when I could tell he was having trust issues, I pledged my unconditional love, friendship and support for helping him become the man he wants to be. That opened him up and little by little he’s telling me his life story, family issues (mom very ill with cancer, bratty little sister, etc.) and hopes for the future.

    I understand that he can’t plan ahead, he may be out of touch longer than I would like, money issues sometimes mystify him, and I have to depend on other friends when I want to go out and be social. But this is such a special man, and he treats me like a combination goddess/best friend when we’re together.

    Interesting side issue: I’m 65 and he looks like he’s in his late 30s. But I’m young for my age -- good genes and work out a lot -- and he’s mature in a lot of ways that count, hardworking and truly concerned for others. The age issue has never come up so I have no idea how old he thinks I am. I do know he doesn’t have or want children of his own – mentoring teens satisfies his parenting drive – and that’s fine because I’m childless and past the age to conceive.

    I plan to continue the relationship despite what I perceive to be his ADHD issues. I doubt he knows he probably has this condition since he doesn’t believe in doctors or prescriptions unless to save a life. So I’m here for feedback, advice and future support. Any input would be most welcome. Thanks!!!

     

     

     

     

  • by: lindsayadair - 1 month 2 weeks ago
    I have ADD. I am currently engaged and together we have been trying to work together to be the best we can be. The goal is to build a strong healthy relationship. As with any couple, fights occur and disagreements happen. I am medicated and I am in counseling attempting to minimize the damage I cause to the relationship. I stumbled across this website looking for ideas, input and in general help about actively and successfully communicating with my partner. Unfortunately, at least in this particular forum, I seem to have ran into a a lot of negative viewpoints. I am curious, are there not also good parts to being with someone with attention defecit? I personally refuse to believe that the relationships with ADD/ADHD people are hopeless and completely bad. I would appreciate some input.
  • by: crossingfingers... - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My bf texted me Saturday morning that he drove up to his family's lake house 8 hours away and would not be helping me move the next day. He was acting distant for a couple days before. I have known him for 8 years and we have been together for over 3. I just helped him move last month, and I just moved to the same town he's in. Thank God my uncle is such a great person because otherwise it would have been me and my dad. Bf wouldn't pick up the phone when he texted me because he was 'in the car with his family.' He said he would call later and didn't. My mom, who couldn't help because she had to care for my disabled brother, asked bf to contact her. He apologized to her for not calling yet, but never did. 

    When he was being distant I said I was concerned. First he said he was really busy at work; then he said he was feeling unhappy and didn't feel like talking; finally he said he's been unhappy with our communication lately. I don't know what to make of this. On the most basic level, I would think he would keep his commitment of helping me move, especially after one of his brothers didn't help him move because he didn't feel like it. My bf had helped him with a few big moves, but the brother just didn't feel like helping him. Bf's other brother offered a few weeks ago to help me move. I asked bf this week if he was coming; bf said he didn't think so because his brother decided to go to the lake. I asked why it didn't seem to bother him that his brother looked me in the eye and offered to help and then changed his mind. Bf ignored the question.

    I am writing this only phone since I don't have internet at my new apt yet, so that's why the post is so choppy. I asked bf, so you drop this on me and won't pick up your phone because you are on vacation? And he said 'yeah.' A few nights before we went to our Homebrew club meeting and signed up for a competition in October.. We were getting along fine and everything was normal as far as I knew. He even tucked me in the next morning when he left for work. The only tension all week was a couple of snide comments I made out of stress, which Im not proud of, about whether he likes someone he works with. I know it's immature of me, but sometimes he's hard to trust and I say the wrong thing. I know I'm not responsible for his behavior though, and I need a few opinions. He has literally run away from me multiple times before when he can't regulate his own stress. Recently I actually told him it was okay that he was late to pick me up for something, that we could still go but I thought we'd miss the part I wanted to attend. He blamed our missing it on my not sprinting outside when he arrived. He screamed at me on the phone and said he was driving away. I hadn't raised my voice at all and was trying to be flexible, but maybe because I didn't do what he wanted, he flipped. Anyway, I am sad and shocked right now. I don't know what to do. 

     

     

  • by: Sade88 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    The lies and deceit kill me.  And some of the things he says.  Its incredulous that he thinks I believe all the stuff he says.  And sometimes he lies to other people in order to cover up a mistake.  Its like he is trying to project an image of being perfect. 

    I have been handling so many things wrong for so many years.  Now I am trying to do things better.  And he will notice and comment.  His behavior will improve for a while, then it's back to the same old thing.  I am doing a marriage program I saw online.  The advice is that when you are at the point you think you're done, give it another year.  There are all these things you do in hopes that your spouse sees the changes and adjusts his/her behavior therefore making the marriage better.  I don't know that this will work with someone who has ADHD.  There is no consistency.  He sees improvements, he acknowledges my improvement, and he changes for a few days.  But it is only on the surface.  The woman friend that he told me he was going to end a relationship with (emotional not sexual) is still in the picture as much as he tries to get me to believe that she is not.  I want to take a hammer to his bleeping cell phone.  If you don't have anything to hide, why is it that any time I am around, you turn the phone over to face down? 

    I posted here last year about the lying and the emotional affair being related to ADHDer impulsive behavior.  An ADHD person responded that it was not impulsivity but it was selfishness that causes him to act this way and that until he hits rock bottom, he won't change.  Well a few months ago, he was intent on taking his own life after he found out I had a long discussion with the other woman.  He had been lying to her too (shocker).  And we both let him have it.  He then decided to try to use suicide as an escape route.  But the night before his attempt, I took all the guns and locked them and took the bolt from the rifle and locked it up too.  After I got the email that contained his intent to harm himself, I called the police who tracked him down (thank God for Onstar).  He was taken to the hospital but by the time I got there, he had talked his way out of being admitted (yes, he convinced a trained professional that he was not a danger to himself) and was released.  Luckily, this slowed him down enough to realize taking his life wasn't the answer.  But you would think that this was rock bottom.  Nope, still lies and still has contact with this woman.  After all this, why should I expect he will ever change?  He is on meds (when he remembers to take them) but not seeing a counselor.  We tried counseling but that was a nightmare for him and he won't go back.  So I went alone for months.  I stopped going when I thought the emotional infidelity was over because I can deal with the other aspects of ADHD.  I know the "affair" isn't over so I have been trying everything else to get this marriage to work.  I went back to the counselor and will probably go again soon.  Try as I may to change, that bleeping cell phone is a trigger for me and I get angry.  Especially when I am doing all the right things.  I don't think I can make it a year unless he changes and it consistent with it.

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    This fire pit idea of H's has been brewing since January. He killed the grass in February where he was going to put it and we had a 12' x'12' area of dead grass for months Last month he finally got a tiller and tilled up the dirt and grass in the area. Then that sat for 3 weeks with nothing happening. Saturday he got sand and gravel delivered. We got tarps for both items to be dumped on but they were no way big enough so we've got sand and gravel falling off onto the grass and into the neighbor's yard because our houses are so close together. The pile of gravel is HUGE and now H says we won't need it all for the firepit. Great, so now we'll have how many wagons full of gravel left over and is it going to sit on the tarp killing the grass for months? We had to rent this gas powered machine to compact the gravel and sand and it is $70/day/ H thought we'd only need it for a day. We worked for 4 hours yesterday and aren't even 1/4 done with the thing. So now we'll probably have to rent it for the entire week which will cost ME $250.

    Then there's the whole mowing the grass thing. H gets SOOO upset when I say I'm going to mow the grass. He tells me to just chill out and not get so uppity about it as he will do it. He told me on Wednesday night that the grass definitely needs to be mowed this weekend. Well right there was the kiss of death because whenever he says that I KNOW it won't get done. So I decide that I'm only going to work a 1/2 day on Friday and that way I'd get home about 2 hours before he'd get home from work and could do it before he got home and have it over with. I tell him Thursday night that I'm taking a half day and sure enough he tells me that he has a doctor's appt on Friday so he's just going to take the whole day off! Of course you are because a 20 minutes doctor's appt means you can't go to work at all! WHY do you do that and WHY do you schedule these appts for the middle of the day when you are off work at 1:30 and have plenty of time to schedule them for after??!! He finds any reason possible NOT to go to work. Like the whole reason he went in to see the doctor on Friday was to get a note to put him on light duty for the next month but he forgot to get it and at noon on Friday he tells me this and says he'll just get it on Monday. Well I knew that meant he wouldn't go to work today because he'd have to go get the note and he of course can't go into work after he gets the note. So back to the mowing. I was itching to mow the yard all Friday afternoon as I wasn't doing anything and he was just sitting on his computer but didn't. Then Saturday morning we ran errands and after 2 hours of that well he's just too plumb tuckered out to think about mowing and plus the sand and gravel got dumped in the yard so he's not going to mow then even though once again I was itching to mow and no reason why I couldn't but didn't want to upset him by doing so. Sunday was spent working on the fire pit and that will take us through next weekend so there won't be any mowing for over a week anyways and the yard is getting overgrown (which he doesn't see as overgrown at all!). 

    I HATE having an unkempt yard and I hate the fact that I basically pay the entire mortgage and all the bills every month but can't mow my own yard without him going apeshit over it! The fact that if I want to mow I have to take off work early to come home to do it before he gets home so he doesn't freak out about it and then find out that he's once again not going into work so me taking off early was for nothing. If I mow I'll get the silent treatment from him or he'll just be very sarcastic and snide towards me.

  • by: jennalemon - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been told by a professional counselor that I may have an "overzealous concern making things right for others". I was not that way before marriage and family.  I remember myself being very independent, possibly even self centered.  How did I get to be the exact opposite of what i started out to be?  Our first years saw me expecting dh to do the financial responsibilities and me the home and family responsibilities.  When the financial thing just didn't happen from him, I thought I HAD to pick it up.  I expected a commitment to the marriage and family by both of us.  Rather than plan things WITH the family, he went out at night - late nights - with friends (both men and women) from work.  I should have turned to my family and let him go to be the singleton he obviously preferred to be.  But I didn't turn to family believing that I didn't want to be a burden to them. I didn't want to accept defeat.  I was too proud to admit failure. I thought I could MAKE this work.  I thought I WAS making it work good enough.  I was only fooling myself.  I wish I would have given my friends and family and myself more credit for being strong.  Trying to be and do everything in my own marriage has not worked out well.  NO ONE likes themselves very much now.

    After being through it, and seeing how it worked out (didn't work out), I don't see a way it could have worked out any other way trying to stay with dh.  He just didn't or couldn't contribute to a commitment.  He sabotaged the marriage with his own independent interests and refusal/inability to care and maintain.  

    So I have been trying to make things right for everyone for 40 years while dh "did his own thing".  He acts like a happy puppy these days and I am exhausted and resentful and feeling stupid.  Don't let this be you.  If your spouse is acting like they want to be single with no responsibilities, let them be single.  Don't hold on to a marriage because you think you should or you think you have no other choices.  Find friends and family to support you through to a life of self respect.

    Now I see my sons with an "overzealous concern making things right for others". I feel a compulsion to now make things right in my LIFE "for them".  I feel like I let them down in trying too hard to make their parent's marriage a loving, giving, trusting union. I should have been getting counseling 39 years ago when things began to be difficult in the marriage.  I should have opened the doors to open communication with them by divorcing dh when things began to unravel.  I thought I was giving us a chance by hanging in there until he matured. I felt a responsibility to him that he never felt toward me.  He never matured. As I look around, I see the children of divorced friends better off because they are able to have open communication with their parents, I tried to construct a marriage around a husband who just wants to have his own fun and do his own thing and be left alone.  Don't be like me. It was more difficult being a single mom 40 years ago so I will stop blaming myself for what I did/didn't do then.  I am trying to find strength to be open and accepting of the way things are and who I am and who I want to be.

  • by: Standing - 1 month 2 weeks ago

     

    In marriage or in any close relationship, don't you expect to get some feedback from your "other"

    when he (or she) acts upon some suggestion you've made? It doesn't even have to be a suggestion. Could be a simple thought expressed... anything (examples are failing me)

    I was recently told - in context of a discussion about lack of communication and intimacy - that I do not HAVE to know whether something I've said has had impact. I was told that it's OKAY if i never know. That all any of us can do is plant seeds (ideas, i guess?) and it is perfectly natural and Fine if we never see results.

    umm... Well, it's not okay with me!

    Is this in the manual, too?? Has anyone else heard it?

     

  • by: Jaggs - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband was diagnosed almost three years ago.  He went through different stimulants which did not work particularly well for him then on a higher dose of one of them he seemed to suffer some nerve damage.  One side of his face went numb and has not entirely recovered 2 years later.  He has been on Strattera since.  He says he has felt a little more in control at work, but at home I don't know if the meds are that effective.  He is still twitchy and constantly looking for stuff to do (everything but face our marital problems).  What other medications are out there?  I believe that he needs the talking therapy part of treatment and think that he may also be autistic, but he will not go to therapy willingly and seems to be resisting seeking another diagnosis.  Any suggestions please?

  • by: hawaiianbluemoon15 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I know when you're in a relationship, you're suppose to talk to your partner about your issues, but I don't really have an option. Little bit more on that in a moment. It's wrong, and I know that. But I need some advice and I don't know where else to go. Here's the problem. Whenever we're around my bf's mom he makes me feel like I'm his second option. Hell, even when we're not around her. It's almost like shes God and she walks on water. He worships her. If she falls he's by her side helping her off her feet in 2 seconds flat. Me? He asks me if I'm ok and goes on his merry way. I'll be the first one to admit I have some jealousy issues and problems with low self-esteem. I'm also the one with ADHD (non-hyperactive) in the relationship. Now, I get that she is his mom and she won't be around forever, but guess what. Neither will he and neither will I. Especially me if I'm in the right here and this keeps up. He doesn't live with her anymore, but just a short 4 hr drive and tada he's there. He and I live together and see each other all the time. Talking to him is not really an option because me, my bf and his family are all on vacation and I don't want to start an argument and ruin it for him. He'll get defensive and not truelly listen to me. He'll accuse me of being self-centered, selfish etc and it'll only make things worse. Am I being ridiculous or do I have every right to be upset?

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