Recent Topics

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I want to learn how to re-negotiate - well, our lives!  LOL!!!

    My outlook for the past 29 years has been "us as a couple" and "my marriage."

    Boy, I have everything enmeshed together - the construction business, our relationship with families versus each of our own relationships with people in our families.  I walk in and out of permeable boundaries that really mean nothing.  And it makes my stomach churn.

    I really need to back out of the construction business.   My trying to be supportive is not received as such, thus I receive statements that my feelings on things are nothing he can fix.  Hmm, not that I wanted them fixed.  Maybe just acknowledged and considered.  At the current moment that is not working out so well.  The truth be told, it is exactly as he said: Every decision he has attempted to compromise in has led him to anger.  He tried different things because he "had to."  That backfired major big time - for me and him both.  I thought I was receiving his support, and he was seething that he "did not want to give in but did it anyway."  

    I had discovered the wisdom many years ago that we can either be married or work together - trying to do both has us more or less at each others throats.   I realize I have not wanted to fully let go of any speck of control I have, so inasmuch I have done the finances.  The business is literally financially been run into the ground.  It is not like I want to abandon a sinking ship - but I want to extricate myself and let him have the ultimate control.   

    I am the one sitting here with a stomach ache, while it appears he is status-quo.  I feel told-off.  I feel disrespected.  Of course, not his intent, but it leaves me shut out - by his angry stance.  

    SO, since I have to work myself out of this entangled mess, I am searching for suggestions on the very first baby step to get out of this, with using the most sincere and positive steps I can.  

    I have re-read this - and add that I do not want to 'get' out' of this.  I want to make it better.  Thus, I need steps necessary to turn it around.

  • by: lauren07 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    We swapped cars so that I could use his truck to move into my new place. He kept telling me he was going to wash and detail it. How we needed to meet early so he could get it done. Uh, it takes me about 20 min to do that well and HE'S the one claiming to be a master detailer:/

    Well, he claimed no time to detail it after washing it. Not even a quick vacuum. 

    I get my car back and it looks exactly the same. He has the nerve to give me a coupon for my next wash. I took my finger and dragged it across the car several times, taking off layers of dirt. I asked him why in the heck would I use that carwash again if my car didn't get clean. 
    He says, "oh, I didn't have time to complain". He had approximately 5 free hours people.... He drove my car through an automatic wash and still didn't have time? So lazy and just not right in the head anymore. 

    He put gas in my new car and now the emissions light is coming on. I hope to god he didn't put diesel in there. He is so useless lately that it is a possibility and would not be the first time......he put the gas in the wrong tank of a moving truck even with the huge sign pointing down saying DON'T PUT GAS HERE. 

    Why is he getting worse and worse?

    He constantly whines about needing a better job, but when I recently casually mentioned that "living wage" jobs are hard to find, he goes "No, they aren't. I have a great job". Um, if that is the case why is he always crying to me about how hard it is to get a better job?! I'm so dang confused!!

    Almost every interaction with him comes with some insane confusion.

    He texted me at 3:30AM on Sat night about helping me move big stuff on Sun. His excuse was he had no other way to contact me. Right... He gives my email out for important stuff. Email is viable. Plus he knows that late texts are a NO-NO with me. He's mad that me and my friends deleted him from social media. After the crap he has said and done, he needed to be out of my social circle. He's s jealous after two years and I am seeing someone casually. The less he knows, the better. 

    Why is he so inappropriate? I try to be normal with him. I am a happy soul that always likes to joke around. Lately, he has no sense of humor or anything. I tell him I have a girl crush on the UPS lady. Seriously, she brightens my work days. He says, "you should hook me up with her". What?!?! I would never hook anyone I liked or respected up with this guy. It would be cruel. I do hope he finds someone honest and loyal, but I wouldn't do that to someone. I cared about. 

    I moved this weekend, by myself. On Monday, he asked me if I was taking our son this weekend. Well, DUH!!, who can move stuff and watch a toddler?!? Then on Saturday, he asks me again. HELLO ?! I have a new apt crammed full of boxes and I can't see the kitchen. Then he asks me when I'll take back my 70lb dog. Again, HELLO?! I am HERE in YOUR freaking state moving into an apartment so I can make a life here and NOT HAVE TO move back down south with your son. Give me the HELP you PROMISED!!!!! His crazy Mom wants ALL of my stuff out of her house because she's angry at me for leaving and daring to have an opinion about her actions after I told her I found an apartment. Geez, I was NEVER supposed to live with them. I just got stuck there after my dog got hit by a car in front of their house! How is he not thrilled that I moved here, found a job, found friends, and found an apartment? HOW?!?!?!  Yet when I threaten to move back if I have no reason to stay here, he calls me a bully? Then after calling ME a bully, he takes ALL of the money out of the bank so I can't move. NOW, who's the bully? I give him all the time he wants with his son, but he constantly asks me when I AM taking him back. It's horseshit. I watched him every single night and day for almost 4 years. Plus I grew him and birthed him! My ex even tries to force me to hug or kiss our child like he thinks I'm not doing it enough. I feel like strangling him sometimes! I can't believe how crazy his mind is now!

    His Mom. Let me tell you about this nut. I moved to her house on a Monday. My dog got hit by a car and hospitalized on Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, she breaks down and kind of yells, "if you're going to live here, don't be like my sister Marla!" See, Marla was a slob who never helped around the house. Just like her son....... The next thing she tells me is to "please not sit in HER chair anymore". Ok, so my dog might not survive and I'm crying uncontrollably all day, and THIS SELFISH IDIOT brings up household chores and personal chairs at the kitchen table. She needs a job and a hobby. Her house is the most disgusting one, inside and out, in the whole county. No, I am NOT exaggerating. Two big dogs and no vacuuming. Smoking in the house. Major hoarding issues. It's bad. 
    Dealing with these nuts is so hard!! I'm glad I moved out!! Having the freedom of split custody almost isn't worth the move. I know my son is loved by them at least. It's the only consolation. 
     

  • by: Icefishinglady - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Short version: We were engaged and living together, along with his twin autistic 18-year-old boys (VERY difficult kids who have serious anger issues and can be violent). Two months before our wedding, he said he did not know if he wanted to get married - that he had not grieved his wife's passing, that he had never had time to be himself. I found he had been surfing a dating site. I caught him in a bunch of lies and DEMANDED that he call a therapist. We had two sessions and he stopped the couples' therapy (with another lie, btw - could not afford it, though when he told me that, he did not even know how much it cost and had not bothered to check with his insurance company - bottom line, he just didn't want to go, I think).

    He did start seeing an ADHD coach, but adamantly did NOT want me to be involved in that therapy (he's very good at minimizing his symptoms and lying and charming his way out of things). Promised to see a doctor for meds (six weeks later, of course, that has not happened - he does not even had an appointment). Today he actually missed his meeting with his ADHD coach because he "forgot". 

    The couples' therapist thought it was a good plan for me to move out and for us to start over "dating" again. I probably don't have to tell you how that's going.... "I'll call you!", then not doing so, is happening nearly on a daily basis. He's still not paying his bills in a timely manner or getting his billing for his business sent out. He went on a short rampage of housecleaning and buying new furniture and rearranging things but I think that's settled down now. He has no idea how much money he has, has not done anything to collect money owed him (some pretty large sums involved here), has grandiose plans but never follows through (no one could in his situation - but he just can't focus on the basics that he needs to survive). 

    I feel as though it may be time to give up on having a relationship. I'm not seeing any progress in his life - he is not doing the things he knows need to be done, and it appears I narrowly escaped a very miserable life. Yes, we've had some nice "dates" when he's come here to visit me twice - with few distractions - but we have not even begun to talk about the important things or how we could rebuild our relationship. When I try to bring it up, he cuts me off. When I complain about his not calling me or doing the things he commits to, he withdraws. 

    What say ye, wise advisors? 

     

  • by: Tired-to-my-bones - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been reading the contributions on this site for almost a year now and feel that I should make my own. Whilst reading up about child ADHD I happened upon a link to adult ADHD. I clicked and read and it was the biggest and brightest light bulb moment I've ever had.I have been married for 30 years. Like so many of us, I met and married my husband after a whirl wind romance, having been in a steady relationship for 5 years. He was, and is, a good man. He was, and is, a good father.He has always worked hard. But he has been a bad husband.

    Like so many of us, I also carry baggage from my upbringing. My dad, I can now see, was an emotionally stunted man who had narcissistic tendencies. He was physically violent to my mum and to us children. He was an angry man who was also a coward. My mum was very young when she met and married him (4 months pregnant with me). He was a serial philanderer who kept her short of money. Once the children were at school she found herself a job and that's when my father's jealousy really kicked in. He tried to prevent her from socialising and would beat her up to leave bruises to stop her leaving the house. My mum stood up to him and he didn't like it. I spent my childhood 'being good' and being able to 'mind read' situations.My mum eventually left him and got a divorce. He used my siblings as pawns ( I had left home to go to university) in appalling ways right up until he died. He cut my one sister and I out of his will.My other siblings took the money and ran, even though we had made an agreement that what ever was left to the children would be shared 5 ways in recognition that we had all suffered.My sister and I walked away from the situation and out of their lives.

    My love map was geared to finding someone who was kind, gentle and not violent. I found him. BUT..........he has driven me to utter, utter despair over the years. I have had mental and physical burn out (not a break down - my mind was totally clear, but my body physically shut down). I tried everything I could to get him to meet me half way with house hold chores, planning ahead, social events, sex. I have left him twice. All the time reading, thinking,trying to work out this man who in public was charming and sociable but in private treated me like the housekeeper and protected himself with what seemed like a fortress wall. We tried counselling (3 times). I worked on coming to terms with my upbringing, reconciling and grieving for the childhood I never had. Reconciling and grieving for the father I never had because his own issues were too large. And reconciling and grieving for a mother who couldn't bear anyone to be better than her and resented having children who had achieved in spite of, rather than because of their upbringing.

    My husband was only motivated by what motivated him. He couldn't see a problem with that. He didn't want to do something, so he didn't. When he was motivated, he was a dynamo. He liked the admiration and praise. He didn't notice the little shadow working quietly in the back ground, clearing up his mess, cooking, shopping, looking after our child and working full time. At one time we had his sister living with us and his mother turning up at weekends because her 3rd marriage was breaking down. I felt like I was the master plate juggler. 

    I was angry, exhausted and totally ground down.I couldn't turn to my own family- they wouldn't have understood and would have been judgemental. I tried ignoring. I tried screaming in his face, which was so humiliating. I considered that his behaviour was passive- aggressive. He fitted a lot of the profile. He fought me every step of the way, refusing to read or talk about this. There was nothing wrong with him. I was the one with a dysfunctional family. This was my problem. But I knew that what ever had happened in my childhood, it was not entirely to blame for what was happening between us. I continued to try. He continued with serial obsessions. The longest involved him  running a football team in order for our son to have access to a sport that he loved.For over ten years he spent evenings and weekends doing this. Someone had to keep the home running. I became an expert in doing all the background stuff so that he could 'grandstand' in public. Everyone loved him. I was a dour,miserable cow. I resented our family and friends not being able to see through this. I tried talking to his mum -big, big mistake. Her children are perfect and my husband in particular is the golden child. It must be me. But I knew that it wasn't entirely me.

    Things came to a head about 6 years ago, after a family holiday where I was scape goated again. I told my husband I was no longer prepared to act as the buffer between him and his mother. ( He would quite happily ignore her, leaving me to manage what I now see is her own ADHD behaviour). 

    My own parents got ill. They both died within 12 months of each other. I had spent 2 years with a sibling refurbishing my dad's house because he didn't want strangers doing it. I spent the following 2 years caring for my mum. I continued to work full time. I continued to to be sad and angry with my husband.

     

    SO - what has made the difference between us? Why do I now feel hope and a sense of peace for the first time in my marriage?

     

    1) We moved house. My husband could not see that where we live was not suitable. He was happy, so there was no problem. We have moved to a place where we are both unbelievably happy.

    2) I found out by chance about adult ADHD and when I showed my husband the article, he simply said 'that's me isn't it?' This alone has given me enough strength to work this through.

    Overnight, I changed the way I perceived his behaviours. I got it. He wasn't being mean to me on purpose. He was like this generally, but others didn't spend enough time around him to notice, plus, in his family, such behaviours were the norm. 

    3) I bought Melissa's book and encouraged him to read it with me. When I realised that he'd only read up to page 28, and I had nearly finished it, I told him that I wouldn't read anymore until he caught up. He still hasn't read it. I've read it through twice. But it's ok. We have placed his behaviours and the vicious cycle of symptoms and response into the 'that's the ADHD effect' box. 

    4) We have learned to laugh with each other again. And about the ADHD.

    5) He has recognised what he has put us through and is willing to have a go. That is worth millions in my bank.

    I have no doubt that there will be times when I reach for this forum to vent or to add a comment, but for now we are both hopeful that we can reach a peace. We have managed to be able to continue to love each other in the face of unbelievably difficult life events.

    We're still here and and hanging on.

     

     

  • by: Fool For Love - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Unbeknownst to me, most of my adult life has been impacted by ADHD.  I signed on to a dramatic history.  My (ADHD) husband was an only child raised by an undiagnosed ADHD single mother who was wholly unequipped.  He grew up with an alcoholic, drug addicted, suicidal, unpredictable mother.  Sadly, she died alone, estranged from her son and only grandchild, never having gotten an ADHD diagnosis despite having seen many psychologists and psychiatrists.  We also survived my husband's own drug addiction (which he bravely and successfully fought).  [I share that history to emphasize the terrible impact undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can have.]   We finally figured out the family history when our first child was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago.  From the beginning (over 11 year ago) we described ourselves as soul mates, but suffice it to say, we have engaged in all the dysfunctional behaviors described in the books, and I have lived an emotional roller coaster including pretty much every experience and feeling expressed by all the non-ADHD spouses.  Somehow, despite the horrible vicious fights, anger, hopelessness, exhaustion, I kept picking myself up, dusting off and trying again.  (I think that rebound was a lot easier for my husband than it was for me.)

    How did we survive and maintain enough optimism to tip the scales in favor of our relationship?  Remembering what made us love each other in the first place.  Mentally revisiting the memory of the person who was so wonderful gave me hope, every time.  It was our anchor.  Even though we eventually stumbled on some decent skills on our own, Melissa Orlov's books (The ADHD Effect on Marriage and The Couples Guide to Thriving with ADHD) have helped us more than I can explain.  Now, we can understand and change what's been going wrong, and make it more than just sheer optimism and determination.  We can discard the burdensome emotional baggage we have been carrying and actually make things better. (It is a work in progress.)  My sincere thanks to Melissa Orlov for digging deep and sharing it with us.

  • by: 20GT - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I'm on Vyvanse.

    1. How does it work? Not mentally, I mean does something else effect me besides the amphetamine?

    2. should I feel it controlling the ADHD immediately, Once I feel the amphetamine kick in? or is it something that has to build into my system like anti-depression drugs do?

    3. Should it last after the amped feeling is gone? Or should the ADHD control continue for the rest of the day? Because It seems to work for my procrastination. But it wears done in about 9 hours and I crash, making my ADHD worse.

    4. Has anyone else felt like they can't top out there breath. Not really short of breath but when you go to take a deep breath you just can't get over the top of it.

    5. Has anyone noticed any changes in taste? The toothpaste I used this morning tasted like dirty socks. Course it is one I haven't used before. And it has been sitting around for maybe a year. But then I was eating my ham sandwich for lunch, and had a distinct sour taste. It could have been the ham going bad. Maybe I was just having a bad day.

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    H and his 16 y/o daughter had a BAD BAD fight about 2 months ago and there hasn't been any contact between them since. Well at least not any contact that was returned. After about a month my husband texted her when he was at this conference showing her a picture of what he got her. She immediately wrote back "Aww you didn't have to do that"and it went back and forth a few times and then he said "I love you and I'll always be here for you". Then, apparently not realizing who she was talking to, goes "Is this Charlie?" He replies with "This is your dad". She never texted back. So she was carrying on this conversation not knowing who she was talking to. Obviously she must have erased his number and name from her phone because previous to this it always showed up as him.

    I have not had any contact with her since then either, but H has asked me to text her to start a conversation. I would text her occasionally before this went down while at work if bored, but other than that never really spoke with her unless she was visiting. She doesn't seem to have a problem with me, but I really don't want to have to be the intermediate. She has a huge problem with H and no matter what I say to her she isn't going to care. She has basically wiped him out of her life and seems perfectly happy with that. He wants me to see if I can get her to talk to him. I'm sure she'll see right through that. Hell, when I took her back to her mom's after the huge fight they had she kept saying "Why are you doing this? Is it because HE told you to do it?" She sees anything I do for her being done because HE told me to.

    Should I try texting her to see if I get a response or just tell him that the problems are between them and he needs to find a way to get through to her? He caused this between them. She was no angel either and came here with an attitude from the moment she walked through the door, but he did not act like the adult he should have and screamed just as much as she did. He says, of course, that it's not his fault and once again he's getting blamed for being the bad guy. He needs to apologize to her but I know he won't. He thinks buying her things and sending them to her will do the trick. He's got too much of an ego to take the balme for acting the way he did.
     

  • by: shalmeno - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hello everyone,

    My husband and I have been married for 6.5 years and are expecting our second child (I'm currently six months pregnant and have Type 1 diabetes, so pregnancy is extra difficult). He's the partner with ADHD and generally manages fairly well. HOWEVER, about six weeks ago he signed on for a short-term contract job and it has put him in a total tail spin. The project turned out to be much more complex and just much bigger overall than it was originally described. He hates it, he knows he needs to finish but is procrastinating because he hates it, and (in my opinion) it has caused the total disruption of his sleep, nutrition, focus, and mental and emotional health that I started noticing about a month ago. I know things will get back to "normal" after he finishes this project, but the end is very much not in sight.

    We talked a week ago about all of this and I asked what I could do to help him finish this project. He told me he just had to make himself finish it and would be done in a few days. Well...that didn't happen. On top of that, I attended a professional conference (I'm a full-time elementary teacher) this weekend. It was here in our home town but I stayed the night at the hotel for a mini-break (after checking with him to make sure it was okay). He had a horrific 36 hours with our three year old, mostly because he's a the end of his rope and doesn't have the resources to deal with anything right now. We were talking and he told me he thinks he's just tired and needs to rest. I again expressed my concern about the impact this project is having on him. I went so far as to say I think he either needs to finish it this week or just tell the company that he's not going to do it (which, obviously, would be bad as far as any future contract work from that company is concerned.)

    Here's what drove me a little crazy: his response. "I just need a break. You get to go to girls' weekends and to your conference and I haven't been able to get away for time by myself in a long time."

    WHAT?!?!?!?

    I have not had a "girls' weekend" this entire year. I can't even remember the last time I went away, whereas he was gone for a long weekend in June and another in July and is scheduled to be gone in two weeks. I work full time (he works part time as a freelance photographer and graphic designer), I take care of our son, buy the groceries, cook meals, pay bills, dump the trash, wash the laundry, etc. I NEVER get to sleep in because little boy wakes me up each morning. I drop our son off at daycare each day because my husband has sleep issues and mornings are very difficult for him. And I'm quite pregnant, and increasingly tired.

    Now, things are not generally this one sided and, as I said earlier, if/when this stupid project is ever finished I know my husband will eventually return to a better state and be more capable of fulfilling his roles of husband and father. With that said, how do I work with him to make things better when he doesn't even appear to see that the ADHD is causing major issues right now? I've suggested a visit with his therapist to discuss coping strategies ("I know all the coping strategies. They don't work.), a visit with his psychiatrist to see if he could get a short-term prescription for sleeping pills just to help him get some sleep until he finishes his project ("Meh."), working with a friend to finish the project ("He won't do the work the way it needs to be done."), and - tonight - just giving up and telling the company he won't be finishing the job (understandably not too excited about that one.) Again, I work full time and am doing the majority of stuff at home, too. I cannot do everything for much longer - I'm just too tired. So...any suggestions? :-/

    (PS: We have Melissa's first book and have read through it together, and we're signed up to start the next seminar in a couple weeks. But any ideas that might help in the immediate future are much appreciated!)

  • by: c ur self - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My wife called me to tell me she wanted us to take on a project I want go into the specifics, but just let me say it was people related, and would definitely call for commitment of time and energy. So as she is relaying all her desires and expectations for me, to me. I couldn't help but think, her we go again....Anyway, I declined, she wasn't very happy about it...So, I would like to run it by you guys...This is my note to her concerning this incident and my request to her about future endeavor she wants us to take on.

    In the future when you decide to take on a project/task for us. When you share your idea's with me concerning it. I would appreciate it if you would start off by telling me how you intend to work, support, and be responsible to the endeavor. Verses starting off like you did by telling me what your expectations are for me. I will be glad to respond to you with my thoughts and feeling regarding your project at that time.

    Does this sound reasonable?

  • by: Rosered - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hi.  I'm wondering if anyone else can relate to something that frustrates me very much.  My husband, who has been diagnosed at various points with depression, anxiety, and ADHD, has seen many therapists over the years and has taken medications on and off.  Some of those forays into treatment have been at my encouragement or insistence.  I have occasionally received indirect feedback from the therapists, most notably the person who said I should butt out and the person who said I should come in for sessions with my spouse.  It's very frustrating to me that the mental health experts haven't agreed what the role of a spouse to a person with a severe mental health problem should be. Now, maybe they haven't agreed because either there isn't only one good answer or there is no good answer to this question.  But then couldn't the experts then at least tell us, the affected spouses, that there isn't a good answer and offer us some understanding for the difficult, confusing position we're in?  I often get the message, in books and magazine articles and online, that I, the spouse of a severely dysfunctional 60-year-old man, should be able to make him functional, even though mental health professionals with years of training haven't succeeded.  If anyone can feel my pain, please respond.  Thank you! 

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