Recent Topics

  • by: highestgood - 2 months 1 week ago

    We have a dynamic I'm trying to shift. He gets anxious quickly over things, and I can't always predict what does it. Last night we had a debate over astrology, and then we had a snack in bed. Our conversation during the snack was pretty normal. He went to put the food back, and when he returned I had my legs in his way playfully. He moved them without comment. He will be playful with the children but rarely with me even though I've told him how much I appreciate the levity. We had a stressful evening the previous day so I was hoping to create some playfulness, and there was nothing. Then he starts to poke me, but I was feeling rejected, so I say sweetly, no, don't be mean, be sweet. And he just stops all effort to connect nonverbally.

    Then I tell him, that I didn't want him to stop completely. He does nothing. I say, okay fine then, and roll over. He begins the pattern of deep sighs. I wait, because I'm tired of escalating conflicts over these issues. He finally tells me that he's scared of me because we had been fighting. Since when??? I explained that I had no idea that he saw our debate as a fight, and would have handled everything else differently if he'd made that clear to me. And I added, that it hurts when I tell him all he needs to do is hold me and he doesn't do it. And he still did nothing. 

    I'm making progress.... I refused to fall asleep upset. I'm still refusing to feel negative feelings over so many cycles of abandonment. He likes to go to sleep at odds, and then wake up the next day and apologize. That doesn't work for me.

    Typing this out, I can see how he was manipulating me. He knew full well what I wanted and needed, and withheld it for reasons I don't understand. He says he was scared, but you can put your arms around someone when you're scared. I don't get it. But at least I'm not letting this situation control me. When he apologized this morning I said thank you, and also added that I don't feel that I can be emotionally open to him right now, because this has happened so much. I told him I don't really feel anything. And I don't feel safe to be in my heart with him. So it was all rather cold and formal. Which, ideally, he would have hugged me and apologized for doing this to me so many times, where we separate and leave things unfinished or unresolved, and then he comes back later trying to act like nothing happened and doesn't want to talk it through. But that isn't how he wants to play it.

    Rather than apologize for the impact of his coping style, he walked away this morning (abandoning me again). He wants to have an anxious withdrawal and see me unmoved, but doesn't understand that if he ever really achieves that, it will be because I'm no longer invested in him emotionally. 

    After so many instances of conflict occuring, and then he disappears physically or emotionally, and when I explain in clear and simple terms what could remedy the situation, and he still doesn't do it, what does he expect. 

    If anyone can relate, or has any insight into these types of dynamics, I would appreciate any additional clarity. It is my intention to change this pattern. I feel a bit like he withdraws to punish me for having an expectation of affection, or wanting him to respond to me a certain way. It's like a weird power struggle, and I feel like maybe it's because he wants to be taken care of, and doesn't want to take care of me, so any time I'm asking him to be in the caretaking space emotionally, he causes a problem. But it's not fair or right to expect me to caretake all the time. 

  • by: Mikeryan1 - 2 months 1 week ago

    I had been with my SO just shy of 5years, and was diagnosed with ADHD last December (we officially ended it about 2 months ago, I am in the process of moving out)

    I am usually a hopeful person,and for a long time I held hope it would work. In part it was for us, and in part it was becuase we have a son together. The last two weeks have pretty much depleted any hope I had for a reconciliation down the line. 

    I admit my faults, or at least try my best to. I'm forgetful, and I lie often to cover it up. I'm not very responsible and have a difficult time deciding. I get anxious about conflict and shut down, or don't stick up for my SO when I should've. I'm not great at reacting to grief and haven't been great at comforting her during rough times. I know I have bad qualities. I'm sure I have good qualities but that's not the point

    I've worked at getting better, wether through following her prompts, being more affectionate, doing spontaneous things, getting medication and therapy, reaching out to forums, etc. I try, I don't always succeed, but I try

    i lay that out because I know I'm the big issue. But that doesn't mean only one side needs work, or that because I have faults, my SO does not.


    I commites to being open about what bothers me, at her request. Yet everytime I approach angthing, even with a pre warning, even saying it calmly and as nonconfrontational as possible, it becomes and argument. She told me last week it does not matter what bothers me-I have no ground to stand on and she  does not care. She refuses to apologize, admit any fault (even in the presence of clear evidence i.e. Texts,etc), and says I'm just blaming her


    When I've expresses that our split has made me sad and I wish we were together, she places it all on me a says I'm the one who needs to change.

    i know I need work,and I know I can only change me. But her responses have shown that it won't ever get better in terms of us. It's a sad thing to accept

  • by: jennalemone - 2 months 1 week ago

    George Vaillant, Harvard psychiatrist, directed a study from 1972 to 2004. He concluded: Love Is Really All That Matters: "It may seem obvious, but that doesn’t make it any less true: Love is key to a happy and fulfilling life. There are two pillars of happiness. One is love, the other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away. A man could have a successful career, money and good physical health, but without supportive, loving relationships, he wouldn't be happy."

    It is up to me to find love, appreciate the love there is and let love come to me.  It is up to me to find a way of coping with life that does not push love away.  This gives me some peace to think on thoughts of love.  

    I know that love does not exist without trust.  I have lost trust in my spouse because he puts no effort into his relationship with me, but that does not mean I have lost the capacity for love in my life.

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 2 months 1 week ago

    He sucks the my joy of giving right out of me. I am a nurturer. My mother and my sisters are as well. We have been married 25 years and I have always had to ask for a massage or foot rub or for a favor and most times I can see a slight look of "oh God" in his face. When I ask him for a favor or a massage it's because I am in severe pain. That being said, the other day, he was complaining about how his knee and feet hurt. We were both a t a three day convetion and were both pretty tired and achey. As usual, even though I always promise myself that I won't budge and massage him, I give in since that is my nature, to make people feel good. So, I got some lotion, told him to get ready and relax since I was going to massage his feet. He was surprised. I puffed a a pillow so he could lay back. But right before I did that, I told him I understand his pain since my feet hurt too and he agreed that my ankles were so swollen. I have plantar issues and am always in pain and he usually says, "aww poor baby" and continues what he is doing. So anyway, he starts to get comfortable and I say in the cutest baby voice "maybe after I am done you can massage mine". His face changed. He looked bothered. He sat up in the bed and said, "forget it, you don't have to massage mine." I was confused and hurt. I said, "do you mean to tell me that you would rather not get massaged to avoid massaging mine?" He avoided the question. Then he said, "well, I figure, since it should be a 'one hand washes the other' you don't have to massage my feet. I put the cream down and I shut down completely. He went to shower and I went to bed with pounding feet. After he started snoring, I started crying out of anger and I went to the couch where my sister, who was staying over, was hanging out. She was concerned and I told her what happened. Of course, she grabbed the lotion asap and massaged my feet. The next day, he said he was tired and that is why he didn't massage my feet and then he said he would later that day. He didn't. I can have the worst migraine or neck pain and he won't offer a rubdown. This was so majorly painful and left me feeling angry. All these years I have done everything and anything to please him, tolerated his behaviors, his terrible temper, illogicalness, neglect of me to watch tv, play on laptop and now his Ipad, sleeping alone, etc. I have pulled back a lot and have to force myself to not jump to be at his beck and call when he complains about pain. How sad that I have to go against my grain. I don't think it loving that he can CHOOSE to not reciprocate when I offer first out of my heart. I will not force this on him since I deserve unsolicited love after 25 years of hell. Then when I seem distant, he plays this game of catering to me and sucking up and as soon as I let down my guard, he goes back to being Al Bundee. It's never consistent and I am left disappointed again, especially in myself for having expectations. His favorite line since being diagnosed with ADHD, and PTSD (by a therapist he went to ONCE because I left him for three weeks after an emotional breakdown) is "my brain is not wired like that". Let me get this straight, your wife is in pain, her swollen ankles are in your face, she offers to massage your feet even though she is tired and asks for you to help her out too, and your brain can't figure out that it would be loving to says, "of course"? How I wish that I was married to a man that was just like me. I feel duped since of course, I got 2 hr massages when I was in NO pain when we were dating. It is just so hurtful. But he says I mean the world to him and he loves me. Yeah, not the way I want to be loved. Funny how he can cater to everyone else though. I will not ask for anything again just to avoid the cutting of the eyes and the face that looks as if he just sucked on a lemon. I will pay for my massages from now on. Of course, he will tell others that I don't massage him anymore and try to make me look bad, never mentioning that he doen't do for me. My friends know how nurturing I am though so there is no need to defend myself to ANYONE. It just sucks to know you chose someone to be with forever but you get no benefits other than a paycheck. Emotional withdrawals and the short end of the stick. His "love" has changed me so much in the marriage department but it will not change who I am at the core in the other areas of my life that are absolutely fabulous. Have a wonderful day everyone. Much love. 

  • by: VolcanoPhilosopher - 2 months 1 week ago

    I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and about six months ago he was diagnosed with ADHD and placed on an Adderall regimen. He's been reluctant to talk about it, so I've only just now gotten around to researching. But now that I'm looking into it I'm finding all kinds of horror stories about partners becoming completely uninterested after marriage ends the "hyperfocus courtship," partners having emotional or sexual affairs when they meet someone new and shiny, or partners ignoring the children. Since we're on the cusp of getting married, I'm feeling like my happiness with him thus far has a death sentence and I'm hugely panicked. I love him, but I can't face a future where he will stop loving me.

    So I really want to know: Do these things only happen when ADHD people are undiagnosed/untreated? Are they inevitable? My boyfriend has had issues with hoarding, not being able to get work done, and sometimes I feel like he's fixated on other women, but these things have lessened since he's started his treatment. I need to know if I'm doomed and need to cut out now, or if there's any hope he'll be better in the future. 

  • by: overwhelmedwife - 2 months 1 week ago

    I am sick of all the random babble and nervous chatter from my H.  Not only is it constant, but often he'll slow his speech to a crawl-pace.  If I get impatient and finish his sentence or guess the question and answer it, he'll get mad and say, "let me talk," or he'll sometimes be dishonest and say, "that's not what I was going to say,"  ( I know when he's being dishonest because he'll twist what he claims that he was going to say into something non-sensical, just so that he can complain that I wrongly finished his sentence or answered his Q before he finished.   (Of course, he gets impatient when I'm talking, but oh the hypocrisy.)

    I run a business.  I need to focus.  If I were to listen to all of his chatter, I would make costly errors.  Then I need some "down time" QUIET TIME.   On one hand, he'll acknowledge that I can't be interrupted all the time with chatter, but on the other hand, he really just wants me available to him 24//7.  I've even told him that I may have to resort to "office hours" where I leave the house and do my work (by myself).   H worked for 35 years and I respected his work time.  Yes, we could call each other for various reasons, but if I called and he let me know that he was working on something, I would just politely say, "ok, call me when you can."    I never said things like, "I am more important that your work."  (which is what he'll often say to me."

    I realize that most of his chatter is nervous-chatter and neediness, but I can't take it anymore.  

    When H was going to a therapist, he would complain that I wouldn't listen to him.  However, she was aware of his constant chatter, because she often had to tell him to "hush" in their sessions, so that she could get a word in edgewise.  Many times she recommended that H find some friends (to spread out the need for attention).   That hasn't worked.  H wears on people quickly.  Even when H went to stay with his brother, his brother (diplomatically) told H that he enjoys quiet and that in their household, they don't talk a lot.  (this was obviously in response to H's chattering all the time in their home.)


    What can I do?

  • by: Jacp84 - 2 months 1 week ago

    I will try to keep this as brief as possible, as I think most of you who have become desperate enough to post personal information about your ADHD spouse on the internet can relate without excessive background information. And in no way do I intend that as an insult. I have come here because I have nowhere else and no one else to go. I am literally considering divorce. I am a very strong Christian woman, so this is almost embarrassing for me to type those words.

    I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 4. I AM MISERABLE. Unhappy. Sad. Depressed. Angry. Resentful. Fed up. Way past my limit, and way over my head in frustration. He knows he has ADHD, and has since 2nd grade. He is medicated, with Ritalin, and has tried everything else, so it's not like we don't know what works for him. He continues, to this day, to be a right-fighter, to lie about things that barely matter, and to over and under exaggerate to the point where I doubt he can even tell time anymore because that's how often he looks at a clock. There are numerous other things, most of which are typical ADHD things that drive me insane on a daily basis, including the fact that he doesn't work, has been fired at least twice that I know of in the last 2 years, and could care less about me and our daughter's financial, emotional, and spiritual security.

    Should I even be considering divorce? What would you do? WHY DO I FEEL BAD ABOUT LEAVING THIS MAN!? 





  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 2 months 1 week ago

    I no longer want to figure out the who, why, or what about how my spouse lives/behaves/responds.  I know his brain is ADHD wired.  I know that for a fact as we have a professional/clinical/medical expert diagnosis.  I know for a fact he didn't know about his ADHD until he was well over 50.  I know he has developed many ways of coping with the world - some work well - some do not.

    Is there something elso going on? I am abandoing my armchair psychologist position, and letting him figure it out - if he wants to.  

    What I fear: He will not want to figure it out.

    When I am with only my spouse, it can take on the feeling of being in a giant vaccuum bottle,  There is Liz and him and nothing else.  I see his behaviors that are not conducive to a comfortable partnership, and he sees that I have changed . . . . and those changes  have caused the way we worked - to no longer work.  

    I am carefully looking at my old behaviors - yes SOME need to be looked at and re-evaluated, and see where I made my mistakes. No regrets, just seeing things for what they really were.  

    Concessions are a good thing when done in balance.  When concessions are done to continually keep someone else happy, then it is time to try to figure out why I am playing the "peace at all costs" game.  

    It is really difficult for Liz to get and stay in a place where my spouse has to decide he no longer wants to live as he is living.  

    What I fear - he is going to choose to live as he is living.  I hate that for him, and I hate that for us.

    What I can do is something about me, my choices, what I can live with, and what I cannot.  

    There are indeed many things on the 'pro' side of our relationship:  

    1.  Our children love both of us. Our daughter is 23 and just disolved her one year marriage.  Our son is 26 and is a partner with his dad in our construction business.

    2.  Neither of us have had an affair.

    3.  We do not call names - never, not ever.  A family rule which I enforced:  NO character asassination, not ever.  

    4.  Neither of us drink alcohol.  Never did.

    5.  There is no illicite drug use,

    6.  There is no gambling, lying. cheating or stealing.  Never had any trouble with the law.

    7.  Never any physical violence or abuse.

    I have started so many comments to so many posts here, and then realized that I was droning on and on and on about the same old stuff.  That is just not doing Liz any good at all.

    What is it that digs so deep at this man, and causes such pain when there is any conflict. Redundant.  I do not know.  What I do know:  it is not pleasant to live with.  

    Life, to Liz, is having the tools to deal with everyday occurances, and learning work through them so we are both satisfied.  

    Trying to reach a point or place of 'no conflict' will never happen.  That is utopia and it is not real.  I know that.  What I fear:  my spouse will not accept that truth.  




  • by: swelsh111 - 2 months 1 week ago

    So yesterday I came home from a work trip, having been gone a week, only to discover that my husband had been texting with an old girlfriend.  These texts were what he calls "harmless flirtations" - but I call establishing a social media relationship with an old flame.  The texts went well beyond minor flirting and into a level of intimacy and of a sexual nature that are totally inappropriate.  He tells me he is sorry and is struggling with this because he is an "affirmation junky" and was really just reaching out to get this positive feedback (we have ben having ups and downs in our relationship over the years, but thought we were on an upward swing having recently begun to learn more about ADHD and how this has been impacting our relationship).  I don't knwo what to do - I feel like one of those women on the made for TV movies who are totally unaware of the level of deception in their relationship...

    We've had issues with trust in our relationship - and in fact I had discovered he was texting with this women a while back (these texts were relatively minor) and had a big blow out about how much this hurt me (this woman threatened to show up at our wedding 15 years ago and object) and asked him to stop all contact with her.  He said he would - but because we have trust issues, I didn't believe that he actually would, so I would look at his text messages.  This is how I discovered his latest email trail with her - apparently he forgot to delete it before I got home from my travels.  He says he is sorry but there is nothing for me to worry about (she lives on the other side of the country)...

    I'm so sad and confused...what do I do??

  • by: roseamongstthorns - 2 months 1 week ago

    Everyone was so helpful here last time I asked a question so I thought I would post again. What is your experience with either the way you, or your partner who has ADHD deals with difficult subjects, or handles arguments? 

    I have noticed that when we start arguing, my partner completely shuts down. I don't often see it coming though I am beginning to notice the warning signs. It doesn't seem to matter what the argument is about or who starts it, once it becomes highly emotive (if I get upset, or raise my voice, for example, or if it is something he hasn't considered before), he just goes silent. I ask him if he is planning on talking, or if he has a response, and he usually says "I don't know." So we sit in silence while I try and give him some time, however if the thing we are discussing is important to me, I tend to push for a reply. Especially if the argument started because of something he said.

    it tends to escalate from there, with me increasingly getting upset and asking for a response, and him getting frustrated and unable to talk. It usually cumulates to the point where I feel he literally doesn't care and I ask if he wants me to leave/if there's any point in continuing etc. or he will walk out of the room and start doing something physical, like cleaning, saying he can't deal with it.

    As soon as I have calmed down, I try and talk to him calmly and he usually repeats that he can't deal with it. It tends to be at this point that I realise his ADHD related issues have kicked in. I tend to reach out to him physically, which stops him, and we usually embrace. He then gets upset and says how useless he is, and apologises a lot for how he can't effectively deal with the situation once it reaches that point. We then make up but tend not to revisit the source of the argument until a later date.

    Im just wondering if anyone else experiences this or had any advice? I am slowly learning to recognise his signs and sometimes I can derail it. But it's incredibly frustrating if the argument is caused by something he has said that upsets me (sometimes he doesn't even know why he has said something) because it feels as if I am having to set aside my upset to make allowances for his inability to deal with the situation once I become emotional. How do I handle that? I know I need to, because this isn't his fault, and I want to be as understanding as possible, but at the same time, both him and I believe he needs to try and learn how to deal with his side of things too. Help!