Recent Topics

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Not to sure if I should post this in the Communication section?!?!?!?

    How in the world do we deal with communication?  My spouse very often INSISTS he told us something - but we, for everything we try, simply do not remember him saying it  - AT ALL.  I do not want to BLAME him - as communication is difficult  without adding ADHD into the mix.  My usual disclaimer will be in effect here - if it were only me, I would look closer at how I miss things all the time.  

    The pick-up truck with the winch was needed this AM.  The plates expired Friday.  My spouse is out fishing.    I called to ask him about it - and he states he TOLD our son last night of his plans to use the truck.  The truck is parked in his friend's yard about one mile up the street. He stated he knew the plates were expired, and since the truck is titled in his name and he needs to get the plates, he left the other truck with the valid plates.  Good thinking :)  No sarcasm.  Really, good thinking. 

    My spouse does indeed work through a lot of details in his head.  And while this is a long process for him - he thinks he verbalizes things.  So we get up against I TOLD YOU.  OK, well no one remembers.  

    Just another one of those annoying details that muck up the day.  

    Communication was deficient SOMEWHERE.  Not sure how to encourage my spouse to WANT to look at his end of the deal, rather than INSIST he TOLD US.  Period.  And why can't we ever listen to what he says?  

  • by: perfectstorm5 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I moved out this weekend after over 30 years of marriage, and over five years of arguing about his inability/unwillingness/denial about getting a job. It was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I know that in spite of the fact that i hope he will be motivated to lift himself out of a very dark place, that may not actually happen. The ecstasy comes from the peace and freedom that i have been craving for so long. If he still resists treatment, I don't think I'll go back, but I truly hope that this acts as a spark. There was definitely co-dependence in the status quo.

  • by: lauren07 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I told him I found the perfect apartment for me, TEN MINUTES down the road, and he FLIPPED OUT. 

    Long story short, he EMPTIED the bank account! When I got back from looking at the apartment, WHICH I GOT!!!, he asked for my son's carseat out of my car. There are plenty of spare seats. He tried to make excuses, but I said, "No! You don't want me to leave." Then the excuses came but I told him to SAVE IT....I'm here in Buffalo. I have a new apt. KEEP the carseat!! I will never forgive you for this...

    This sorry excuse for a man promised he'd help me if I moved here. Now he's imprisoned me and all his bills are gonna bounce. I'll never help pay another of his bills again. My credit will go to hell, but it will be WORTH IT!!

    Where is my lynninny?! lol

    I have a job I love. I have a new apt I move into in 2 weeks. I have free childcare! I have a new love interest who has been my ROCK through this. 

    He will NOT get me down;)

  • by: OccupyLove - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I suppose that I just need to accept that my husband is not going to seek any outside advice wrt his ADD.  He has a short temper and tantrums like a baby when he is tired.  For example, tonight he said that he was going to cook dinner.  There was no paprika, which he needed for the dish he wanted to make, so with passive-aggressive tactics he let me know what a failure of a spouse I was and how I couldn't do anything right.  I am home all day while he is working--- not by my choice, longer story there--- and he expects me to do all the things that he doesn't want to do.  And I'm just supposed to figure out what he expects me to do because he will never sit down and have a calm conversation about who is going to do what.  Sometimes we do make "deals" and if I can't keep up my end of the deal it is the end of the world and I am subjected to a poisonous tirade.  However, if he doesn't keep up his end of the deal he expects me to accommodate... that is, do whatever it is that he doesn't want to do.

    How much of this is due to ADD and how much is terminal immaturity, who knows.  But I am tired of living with it and looking forward to getting enough money together to separate in a few years.  Our daughter will be old enough to handle it, I hope, and as she matures she is increasingly understanding how unreasonable he is.

    Just writing about this has really helped.

  • by: kathy1208 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Why does my husband do this? My husband is a bit of a know-it-all.  He will go on and on about something for which there really is no reason for him to know that much about the particular hting he is talking about because he's never had much experience with it or anything...I feel like "I don't know" is not part of his vocabulary but it should be a part of everyone's vocabulary! How hard is it to stop and consider "I don't really know the answer to that with certainty" and to respond "I dont know"? It is particularly frustrating when it comes to things that relate to my line of work. I don't get why rich, successful people trust my opinion about my particular line of work and pay hundreds an hour for my legal advice, but my own husband will argue up and down with me.

    A very simple example was today, when he was talking about selling his car. I mentioned that he needs to have a notary for the title and he insisted it doesnt need to be notarized. AFter arguing vehemently for that position, he looks it up on like, cars.com or something and is like ok it needs to be notarized. I don't get it. I dont know everything but I do work in property law and do peoples wills and contracts and everything - wouldn't logic win out and him say ok she may know a thing or two about the basics of transferring a vehicle title? What in the world do I do in these situations??  We are also in the process of saving for a house and the same thing - every conversation about mortgages, property title insurance, etc., if his "impression" of the way things work contradicts what I tell him, he has to vehemently argue his position. I generally know when to answer "I dont know" when I dont really know the truth about something, and if my impression every contradicts a friend or relative or acquaintance who is an expert in that area, I dont start arguing blindly with them....i respect that their opinion most likely is the correct one versus my loose impression of something with which i may have little or no real experience.

     

    AHHHHHH sorry! We've been together for 6 years, and I feel like he pointlessly argues about so much, with me or others and doesn't listen.  The most upsetting part about it is not that hes arguing with me, it's that hes a smart hardowrking guy and I feel like he just sells himself short by jumping to things and not listening and keeping his eyes and ears open to others and everything. 

     

     

  • by: Standing - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Going to use this thread to note some of the interactions which used to get added to the blur which has been my married life for the past 10 years. These are not sources of angst or any sort of commentary against add or any of the other diagnoses which might be applicable, simply observations by one woman who is trying to be herself in the midst of an atmosphere which makes no sense to me.

    *  In the few minutes during which we "engage" at the end of the day, I mention viewing a bit of a program about Harry Houdini, the magician. I was going to retell, briefly, something that I found to be of interest. He says:  "I've recorded that." Me: "Cool! I only caught part of it, but there was much I had not known before..."  Him: "I recorded it, Part I of II.".  Me: "That's neat. I did not know that Houdini had performed before the czar of Russia..."   Him:  "Yep."

    *  I am mindlessly surfing on my phone and he asks, all chipper-like,  "What are you reading?"  I say, "Oh, this and that."  Him: "Oh, about what?"  Me:  "Nothing, really; my brain is not engaged."  Him, in a weary, pained, and disgusted tone, as though he is so severely abused:  "OHhhKayyy, so you don't want to tell me."  Me: "I have nothing to tell you because I was not absorbing anything that was before my eyes."

    *  He drives home from work (not far) to look for misplaced keys and finds me dragging full rubbish bins to end of driveway in the rain. He jumps out of his vehicle, all perky, and says, "Oh, honey! Love the rain, love it, love it, love it!"   Yeah huh.

     


     

  • by: StateOfBeing - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have posted here before, and described something of my journey with what I thought was my partner's ADHD; I have been through thinking there were breakthroughs. I have moved onto other attributions, including the ever relevant 'co-dependence' perspective. What I did not expect to realise is that the truest match of all is NPD/malignant narcissism. It has been a lightbulb moment that makes sense of all else, and makes much better sense of it too. It has become more possible for me to connect dots as he's gotten older and narcissistic rage is his response to a simple question...and all else besides. I have known him for twenty years and this, I really believe, in his case, is it. Tuck ADHD in there, but narcissism is what we're really living with, and what, most would agree, can't be beaten in a person. I have been aware of other malignant narcissists in my life, but this took a lot of working out, since such people specialise in concealing tracks and shifting blame and shaming and reversing, and so on and so forth. I've been trying for the real thing in this relationship, for reality and authenticity, and now realise that this was always to be unwinnable as I have been his 'narcissistic supply'. What a waste! How sad! So now I have a new path, and feel a new freedom to see it. I'm interested to hear from others who've had a similar realisation. There are so many possible overlaps in working out what's going on with someone. Thankyou, and love x

  • by: lauren07 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Saturday I got super PO'd at my ex when I found he hadn't wipes his son's butt good enough. I mean, I went into major shut down mode. I haven't said two words to him since. 

    Well, today, Monday, my son pooped himself again. I took him downstairs to clean it and my ex met us in the bathroom. I told him he can either take it from here or let me do it. He took care of it, but once my kid came back upstairs I decided to check how clean he was. Well, I had to use two wipes to get him totally clean. There was even a visible brown spot when I started. 

    I feel like I am taking crazy pills!!!!! This isn't stuff I can just ignore. His ass has to be cleaned!!! This isn't a job you can leave half done. I just want to scream and go running home to my family in Carolina!! But I love my job here. 

    Oh my god, what do I do?! 

    I'm looking at renting places, but my ex will still get his son once or twice a week and leave his ass half wiped and take him fishing without a life jacket and not pull his chest strap all the way up in the car seat. The car seat thing happened Saturday too. I have been EDUCATING him on the chest strap since freaking BIRTH!!!!!!!

    WHY IS EVERY SINGLE THING HALF ASSED?!?!?!?!

    I don't think I'm being a picky, control freak AT ALL!!! Some things seriously have to be done right and consistently!!!!! 

     

  • by: FedupNY - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My DH has been diagnosed with ADHD from when he was a child. He was on medication but then stopped. We have been married for 6 yrs, together for 10- we have 2 children ages 4 and 2. About 5 yrs ago he went back to the dr to go back on adder all because he was having problems focusing on work. He was doing ok and then he was diagnosed with diabetes ( type 1 ) . Between our piling up medical bills, our house and his parents finances he seemed to just spiral. I guess he always had some anger issues and he always feels he knows the right way to do things. I used to just let it go until recently, I've been feeling so picked over and that everything I do is wrong. I feel like a battered woman since if things are done wrong I get yelled at.  I am not the best house keeper and I admit that but there is always a hot meal on the table the house is kept clean just not OCD neat. I do have 2 young children running around! My husband also has OCD which makes things harder for me. Just tonight I got nit picked because I put an onion away without taking the skin off and when he chopped it he had to pick the peel out. How the hell is this my fault?! I then got the " you never finish anything, everything is half assed done, you never do it right" 

     

    so what I am asking is how do I deal with this? I have spoken to him but it is making me hate him being home. 

  • by: Krina - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Sept 1 will be my 18 yr anniversary and ALL I can do is keep thinking how can I escape this nightmare? 99% sure my husband is ADHD. He fits all of the typical symptoms (too long to go into). Our 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD & she is nearly identical to her father's behavior. My 15 yr old shows tendencies of ADHD but not to the extent of her older sister. So what brings me here? Desperation I guess...I am struggling to hold this household together for the sake of my girls. I have to navigate 3 ADHD personalities and I have to admit I am failing. I am completely alone with no support system. My extended family is gone due to a family blow up & his family has never been in the picture. My friends are all gone because they got tired of my husband refusing to let anyone over or to go out, plus all of my energy goes into keeping my household going, no time for friends.

    I feel like I have been through it all with Mike - Lying more times then I care to count the latest HUGE lie was a secret bank account that he was hiding, that took over $40,000 over 4 yrs, which he spent all of. He continues to blame me for HIM doing because if I was not such a nag or tight with money he wouldn't have had to do it. I kicked him out at that time for 8 months, but due to financial reasons & his "act" of changed behavior I allowed him back into the house to reside in a separate bedroom. (nearly 18 months ago) But the "change" did not last, we don't talk ever, his only focus is work & when he is home he is the "leave me alone type". We are in financial trouble because his impulsiveness has him spending on his CC everyday. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried every tactic to try to solve our problems. Nothing has worked, partly because he refuses to even acknowledge he might need help & he has this way of ALWAYS making it my fault. I am definitely the "MOTHER" in this relationship, I need it to end. His hyper focus is downloaded movies & books or work. There isn't any room for me or the girls. Any request for him to help with the household or girls is met with resentment and anger, because I am "telling or ordering him" to do it. 

    I had to quit my job, which was my only financial way out, because my 16yr olds ADHD diagnosis & anxiety issues were coming to a crisis point. So now I am here a year later feeling trapped, alone and with no hope. Oh to make matters worse I am OCD with anxiety issues. (Most of which stem from lack of love and security) The two triggers that an ADHD spouse has the most trouble with. I spend my days trying to hold off all of the ADHD issues of my family by trying to micro-manage their lives. Which I have tried often to stop doing but then the whole household falls apart. Mike expects that since I am not officially working (I run my own business from the home but it gets put to the side because of the family needs) that ALL of this is MY responsibility. I should care for the whole house (a fixer upper & is in serious need of repairs, which I have to do), the bills (make money magically appear out of NO WHERE since he is spending uncontrollably) and handle ALL of the girls needs (micro-manage homework their chores, social calendars etc). He sees his ONLY role is to work because it is such a stressful job the rest of his time is down time. But I am DROWNING, my OCD has me tied up mentally in knots trying to plan the unpredictable nature of my family. I simply can't do it all anymore. 

    When I consider walking away, I will still have ALL the same issues PLUS NO financial support. Even when he was out of the house I ended up being the "mother" paying bills so he didn't lose his place or working out his schedule so he could visit the girls. He turns EVERYTHING into my fault and with my OCD/anxiety its an easy guilt trip to ride.  It is hard to not just walk away from it all & start OVER. Let him raise the girls, deal with the house. But I brought these 2 girls into the world and it is my responsibility to raise them to college. I chant to myself all day long, only 4 more years until my youngest is in college. I can hold on right? I know they won't find success without someone there to help them. 

    How do you do it? How do you be a 1 man band with all of the responsibilities and none of the support? My oldest son, previous relationship & I was a single mom, was not as hard as this situation. He was my only help but he is now successfully grown, college graduate and set to get married soon. I know there has to be a better way and I hope any non-ADHD spouse can offer some insight or advice. I know Mike is struggling too with the ADHD and the dysfunction of our marriage, however I have no more ideas on how to fix. 

    Sadly ALL I every wanted was an equal partner in this life to love & who loves me. How do you deal with the loneliness of the ADHD unaffectionate spouse? Or are we just destined to be their "care takers" forever?

    Sorry for the long rant but this is the 1st time I have put any of this out there to the world, guess I have 18 yrs of sadness built up. 

Pages