Recent Topics

  • by: Lmanagesall - 1 month 1 week ago

    I'm once again disappointed with my kids dad (ADD) and his reaction to our daughter wanting to play lacrosse for the summer.  In the spring, he took her to 1 or 2 games, stayed for 1, and took her to practice once a week- down the block from home. I was at every game, stopped at every practice after work and took her home. I paid for the season and made sure her uniform was purchased, paid for and clean every week. Our daughter wants to play for the summer. I asked her dad: Our daughter was asked to play summer lax league- it's mostly away games about 20 minutes Away from home I believe. I don't have anymore info than that yet. She would like to play. There's a game Thursday night and I can prob get her a ride there. I can pick her up/meet her. Are you on board? I expect to be able to get her rides often but that may not be the rule. I have not committed her yet. He wrote back: She has also been talking about soccer.  I will not commit without knowing some type of schedule.  if it will be like the other one than I am not sure.

    I'm so disappointed. Our daughter is doing nothing for the summer. He won't pay for anything. He does not have a regular job to report to. We own our own business (he plays, I manage). I work full time and commute 3 hours a day. I'm just so disappointed that he does not support his kids. Although he would post on Facebook if he showed up at a game...  How do I continue to deal with the disappointment? What do I say to the kids? 

  • by: jennalemon - 1 month 1 week ago

    Dh has his areas of house.  I have mine.  His are messy, disorganized, greasy, dirty, disheveled.  Mine are cleaned and tidy and organized.  Sunday night after company, I didn't feel like washing the dishes, so I didn't. Yesterday I didn't feel like doing the dishes in the kitchen so I let everything out on counters.  Today I looked at the messy kitchen and thought, "This is what dh's areas look like all the time.  He doesn't organize or prepare or clean his areas.  Will he notice that the kitchen is a mess and that there is no silverware or dishes?  If I stopped being concientious and had no food in the house prepared for lunch and dinner and didn't bother to make dinner, will he notice?"  Does he expect me to take care of all the little things to make a home a place where he is able to eat and navigate while he messes and hoards?  I will let my areas of mess go and see what his actions are for a while.  See what happens....I will bet he will be surly and angry but will not put into words what is bothering him except to cuss and posture at me....I bet he will be slamming things today in the kitchen because I don't have things "ready and organized for him" like a wife is expected to do.

    Just an experiment.  I know it will not teach him anything...but I am trying to figure out how I got into this weak-willed situation I am in and how I let so many of my own boundaries drop.  How had I gotten to the point of being a little afraid of his reactions and enabling our unequal expectations? 

  • by: StrugglingSpouse - 1 month 1 week ago

    After years of discord and struggle, I decided to leave my ADHD marriage. When I informed my ADHD husband, he insisted he would do anything to "keep our family together." As an example, he explained that we fight because I'm too controlling and he needs to assert his individuality. He offered to "give up his individuality" if it meant I would stay. In the days since I said I was leaving, he's been Mr. Perfect - home on time, brings flowers, no major conflicts. After years of riding this roller-coaster of a relationship, I don't believe he can sustain this focus on our relationship.  Now, I feel incredibly guilty for leaving, yet I can't bear the thought of staying in this relationship. 

    Some history - Early in our relationship, my husband's ADHD symptoms made him seem fun and spontaneous. When we had a baby, he was of little help, and our relationship deteriorated rapidly. I dragged him to marriage counseling and got his ADHD diagnosed. He insisted it was just his "personality," and we abandoned both marriage counseling and him getting treatment for his ADHD. He lost his job and made little effort to find a new job, living in denial while I stressed over both the baby and our finances. He finally got a new job, we moved to a new city (with me managing the entire move), and I was left a weeping wreck. In the last six months, he has made significant improvement in parenting, taking on some responsibilities and being home more. However, our relationship has been strained at best. We rarely converse except about our child, sleep in separate rooms, and argued when we did interact. I no longer trust, respect, or love my husband. I decided it was time to move on with my life, but he's desperate to maintain the illusion of our happy marriage. Now, I feel overwhelming guilt that makes me hesitant to leave, yet I don't believe I can ever be happy in this marriage again. I could really use some input from those who have been at this point.

  • by: 2manyfeet - 1 month 1 week ago

    Dear Melissa:

    There are no words  to thank you enough for writing this book.  The moment I started reading it I feel like you were narrating to me the past 15 years of my married life.  I have only read a dozen pages and it has helped me to be aware of those issues that will sabotage my marriage. I am the one with adhd. My wife is very frustrated about it. Most of it for the shame of marrying some one with "mental problems". We all have something.  I have read several other books about adhd but none of them is a practical as your book. Thank you so much because I have a reference source to go back to again and again.  I have tried to convince my wife to read it but she continue to refuse. I think she will benefit of the practical lessons you describe and have. I wasn't her to be happy.  I love her but sometimes all that comes out of her mouth are spells and snakes that makes me not want to come back. I'm still here for the children so they grow with a family father figure but sometimes I have to suck up on the nagging insults of my wife. Everything that happened for whatever reason she attributes it to my adhd. She did it again at the office- we work together- but I learned in the book a strategy to deflect the offense and the insults. The book is a must read along with your spouse if possible. Thanks. Geo.

  • by: navywifeobx - 1 month 1 week ago

    I like most of you, have been angry, make that "furious" a lot with my husband and his antics. I was miserable, and just filled with hate. I resented the lying, especially since it's almost always over what I would consider stupid things. I've finally realized that in order for things to ever "change", I had to stop worrying about my husband and if he was ever going to change, and instead free myself. I developed a mood disorder after the birth of my daughter, as well as depression. I've screamed at my husband,cursed him out, hit him once, I've been horrible thanks to letting my anger run my life. I am happy to say, I finally feel free. After reading many of these post, I realize while my husband has done some very stupid things, it could be much worse. He is very much the family man, has been patient and dealt with a lot regarding my own issues. He has stood by me, while I punched walls, screamed, broke things, cried, and just visibly shook from all the emotional pain I was in. He mostly has impulses with money, spending etc. He has never cheat on me, and try's his hardest to communicate. It is only when I get really angry, and criticize that he would shut down entirely. I grew up with a mother with anger issues, a horrible temper, possibly bipolar or some borderline personality traits etc. Dateline really should do a story on my mother's side of the family , it's that bad lol. I have noticed though, since I have taken responsibility and am changing my own behaviors, my husband and  I seem to be communicating better. I wasn't always this angry person, by the way, just hormones and whatever changed after pregnancy. Anyways, just thought i'd share some positivity that change is possible.

  • by: navywifeobx - 1 month 1 week ago

    Hello all,

     

    If you've read any of my past post, you can tell my husband and I have pretty much seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. My husband had pretty significant ADHD as a child, now at 27 he has been in the military going on 8 years, is good at his good. The problem is, "communication". We have had a lot of issues arise due to lack of communication or simply communication being broken down. I myself after the birth of our daughter and a tremendous amount of stress, developed a mood disorder and depression. Thus I have anger issues and at times, especially in the past have lost my cool with him, and done things I am not proud of. Anyways, he struggles telling me things now, because he is afraid I will over react or get angry. I  know it will take time to trust again, and rebuild but i get so frustrated. Sometimes when i'm upset and i try to talk with him, if i say anything slightly critical he just shuts down, that's it. He says he only likes to discuss things once and that's all you get. He has told me, he hates disappointing me etc.

  • by: blder - 1 month 1 week ago

    Do you ever just get tired of being blamed for everything?  I bend over backwards for my husband and sons on a daily basis.  Yet, any conflict or potential conflict is dumped in my lap.  I'm controlling.  I'm hard to please.  I'm disrespectful.  I'm ....fill in the negative blank.  

    How 'bout I'm rational.  I want to hold these people I live with accountable.  I won't just shut up and take it anymore.  I'm tired of cleaning up everyone's messes.  I'm tired of accepting the blame for all our problems.  I am NOT ADD.  I am also not perfect. I have my issues.  I try very hard to be understanding and accommodating to my husband and 17 yr old  son's ADD.   But I refuse to take all the blame for the dysfunction in this household.  I grew up with very loving parents.  It kills me what my spouse and I are doing to our boys.  His parents were extremely dysfunctional.  And as much as I absolutely hate it, we are just repeating the cycle.  He is either unwilling or unable to admit his culpability in the issues we have.   We have just started counseling again.  But he is very hard hearted at this point and pretty much blind to his part of our problems.  

    So tired of the battle.

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 1 week ago

    I have stated on another thread how frustrated I am with myself - I was re-listening to a cd teaching series on co-dependency.  How in Sam's Hill am I in the middle of a co-dependant relation ship with my spouse when I worked so hard to get out of them?  My life and my children's life was spun around fixing my spouses mood -  as it was once again today.  

    Several weeks ago, my daughter asked if she could come over to cook supper for my spouse for Father's Day.  "No," he insisted.  "I love to grill, so I want to cook on Father's Day."  8 pm arrives, and I asked my spouse when he was going to start grilling.  He sorta growled, "Hey it's Father's Day, I'm not gonna cook."  So my daughter chimes right in to smooth his ruffled feathers, "Yeah, it IS Father's Day so we should do what ever Dad wants."  

  • by: artsygal - 1 month 1 week ago

    I have been married to an ADHD guy for 5 years now.  We have him in treatment with a counselor and psychologist, but I feel I need to vent.  He has demonstrated totally financial irresponsibility.  I let him have his own checking thinking it would teach him to be responsible, pay his bills, etc.  I found out he has been withdrawing money without me knowing to to pay for expensive car parts on paypal and having them delivered to his job so I wouldn't know.  I am unemployed and have been taking out my savings to survive and cover the bills.  I was wondering why my savings was disappearing so fast!  It's because I have been paying the bills why he buys whatever he wants.  I finally caught him, of which he lied about up the end when I finally got into his account, then he giggled and knew he was caught.  Now he insists on going for a trip this week to trade more parts with friends he met online, the gas alone with be $100.  I told him we can not afford this and he said he is doing it anyways even if he has to take out money and bounce the acct.  I checked his acct (which my name is on also) and he has bounced his acct so much since Jan we have payed 1k in bank fees!  Part of this is my fault, I grew up in an alcoholic home and I tend to be a person who "fixes" things or "enables."  I have covered up for his irresponsibility to the extent that now I have lots of money on my credit card and I can't get anything payed off.  I told him that I am to take over the finances and he said yes that he is not good at that.  But now he is insisting that he go on this trip and will take the money out no matter what I say.  I told him that I felt as if he was stealing from me because I had to cover everything with my money while he spent all on himself.  He said its not stealing it was "his" paychecks!  I am very concerned about my financial future.  He's pushing us into homelessness at this rate.  His ADHD has never manifested in this uncontrollable spending spree.  His counselor talked to him and said she thinks he is in a "manic" phase and wants to talk to his psychologist.  Manic?  I mean does that come with ADHD or is that something else.  Whatever he has is severe and u know the lying, selfishness, etc. It's really got me thinking how to protect my financial self when everything we have has mostly both our names on the accounts.  I don't want to enable him but If stuff doesn't get paid than its my future on the line as well. 

  • by: Really123 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I don't know where to go anymore.  16 years of putting up with my husband. 16 years of the same patterns of arguments every hour every day every week. 16 years of the lying, deny, distort, deflect. 16 years of the "I never said that", "If I did than it's your fault", "what my INTENTION was was more important than what I actually did/said".  16 years of not listening to a conversation or pretending to listen only to devastate me later by saying "ha, I wasn't even paying attention to that conversation we were having".  After 16 years of chopping my head off (verbally) and throwing me to the ground (verbally) or punching me in the face (verbally) because I DARE say that he had done something to hurt me.... After 3  years of our young sons saying "Mommie, why does papa never do what he says?" "Why does papa keep changing his mind" "I don't know what to do because papa is confusing".  After two months of reading these forums in tears, after one month of my husband on meds now the "KING" of his ADD (heh was diagnosed as in the top 5% and perhaps totally "off the charts" on adult ADD by his psychiatrist"), after 16 years of no social life because if my husband and I go out in public, he blabs out random sh*t which inevitably is negative for me and makes him look good (but is random and not true).  After 16 years of being afraid to tell him anything about me, my life or my emotions because in some random burst of ADDness all of my personal business will be told to everyone all the time.  After 16 years of absolutely NO emotional support because he can't follow a conversation or if he does, when I refer to it later, he has no recollection of it. After four 2 hour long abusive sessions after he hurt me twice (and then as usual manipulates himself into the victim position....

     

    This afternoon, after 16 years, I found myself running out of the house dropping to my knees, tears streaming down my face, and praying to God to help me, to show me a sign to tell me what to do.  I don't know what to do anymore.  After his daughter died 2 years ago, I thought he would wake up. 3 weeks before she died I had a premonition and told him that our marriage was so bad because of his behaviors, that I was about ready to divorce him. I also told him that day that if his daughter died, I our marriage would not survive as he and all of his crises and issues had dominated EVERY ASPECT of my life for 14 years and the death of his daughter would make that domination complete.  I will NOT go into therapy with this man, as this is HIS problem and I have definitely  decided that he and his ussues will no longer dominate MY life.  it is not a relationship problem.  We are NOT in this together.  He was nuts before I met him (as his first wife) and he will always remain nuts.  It is just a matter of how much I let his craziness dominate my life.

     

    Now, here we are two years later.  I get angry everytime I read advice about the non-ADHD partner's complicity in the "loop".  This "expert has apparently never ran into my husband.  it is not his ADHD, it his his EXTREME narcissism  and selfishness that is destructive.  I have to say that the advice given to non-adhd spouses often seems to me very condescending, as if they have to save their marriages at all costs.  That is not true.  No woman should try to make a marriage work for financial reasons or because of the kids.  (we both have 7 figs in the bank (separate accounts because even when we married, I didn't want him to have access to my funds).  You demean women by convincing them that it is a good thing to make these crazy marriages work.  Screw the marriage and take care of yourself.  Would you give the same lame advice to women who were physically abused by their spouses? "Go to counseling, make it work, it's also your fault, too".....  Marriage counseling in this case would be just another way for my husbands whacko jacko issues to dominate MY life.  Yes, we all have issues, but mine are none of his business and his are none of mine.

     

    I am staying married for the following main reasons:  no one outside of the marriage has any clue what this sociopath is like...he has spent all of his energy on keeping up this image and uses that in fights all of the time ("no one else thinks I have a problem"). When I point out to him that he has no friends and his family lives on the other side of the ocean.  The reputation damage I would have by leaving him would be far greater than any emotional damage I would have by just staying "married" but going my own way and isolating him and his behavior.  Also, he is 16 years older than me and will hopefully die sooner.  I also will NOT leave him and give him the energy and reason to go pouting to the world that he is again the "victim" (as he did with his first wife after driving her to drink with his insane behavior").  I look at him every day and see a person I despise and hate, but I will not give him the pleasure of playing vicgtim to the world....

     

    Sorry for the long post, but today was my breaking point and the advice given on this forum about "how to make your marriage works" I just find really demeaning, too simple and actually sounds like some evangelical "marriage is a scared institution" bs.

    Sorry, but it has been a long 16 years.

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