Recent Topics

  • by: JJamieson - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Or rather......what isn't ADD/ADHD?  Does anyone really know?  I don't really know either but I'm sure I have it (me ADHD) according to my therapist and everything I've learned and read about it over the last 10 years.  I fit the list of criteria perfectly.  I pass all the tests with flying colors.  Other people say I act or behave like I have know what they say?  Who are they THEY anyway?  Are They the ones who made up the concept of PC?  Actually...that was the Moral Majority (which are neither).  Are They the ones who decide social constructs?.....the ones who decide one day what was good is now bad....and then later, neither one instead???  Sounds like a carnival ride?  I don't think I trust what they believe I am whoever They are.  I don't even know them and they certainly don't know me.

    Every person that I have ever met who says they have ADHD are completely different than me in almost every way except for a very few similarities.  Maybe that's a clue?  Let's see......likeable, talkative and open, active, has lot of interests, good sense of humor, not good at house work.  Sounds more like a dating sight profile?

    Is ADHD all the things that your parents said about you when you were growing up?  One of my favorite quotes from the late Frank Zappa was..." if you had realized just how lame your parents really were when you were young you would have killed them in their sleep."  He was joking of course but he raised a valid point.  I've pretty much discounted most of the things my parents said that "I was" by now......most of the time in fact, mine didn't know shit about noth''s true!

    Is ADHD the collective complaints made by all of the non spouses on this forum?  That would be: a lazy, lying, ,cheating, messy, disorganized, spaced out, video game addicted, alcoholic, pot smoking, drug addicted, unemployed porn addict....who is also an insensitive, self centered, self absorbed narcissist who is not very bright with a bad memory and is angry all the time.  Sweet Jesus.....who wouldn't be angry with that list of accolades!! Did I miss anything?

    Can anyone really tell if someone  has ADD or ADHD just by looking at them?  Do we really act different, talk different than everyone else?  Couldn't you apply any one of the character traits listed above to literarily anyone any where?

     Is it a disorder?...and just what constitutes a disorder different from a group of personality traits.  Why do some who have it do well...and others who do not? 

    Is it a learning disability?  I had difficulty with math in high school....does that count?

    If all the books and literature written by people who research and study ADD/ADHD keep changing every few years...couldn't a person make the assumption that what is believed today will be different some time in the near future? I have to keep reminding myself every time I go to the doctor when he is just about to stab me with a syringe that......he only practicing medicine.  When will they ever get to the place when they stop practicing and get it right?  And what if they are wrong?  Who ever THEY are!!

    All I know for sure about myself is that I am fundamentally a hard working good person who makes a genuine attempt to live by the golden rule.....and routinely walks into the next room and asks myself....." what did I come in here for?"


    Please...if anyone knows the one definitive answer to this questions I would greatly appreciate it........I can use the sleep. Thanks



  • by: confused_wife - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I am new to the website and have yet to find a posting about this issue.  First some background.  My husband and I have been together 17 years and he was not diagnosed with ADHD until about 4 years ago.  Long before he was diagnosed I began to compensate for his behavior.  I did everything that needed to be done in the house and for him.  On bad days when he didn't want to get out of bed I made that ok too, all the while thinking I was doing the right thing.  He never asked for these things but I really thought that by making his life easy it would cause the overwhelming days to happen less.  Problem is, what I did was make him have less reason to get up, less reason to want to get going...Yes he works but for himself and his work is very forgiving so when bad days or sometimes weeks happen there was still not any real consequence, for lack of a better word.

    When he finally went to the doctor I thought all our problems would be solved when he was placed on Adderral.  The doctor actually said he had never seen such a horrible case of ADHD in an adult and was unsure how he has functioned up until that time.  Problem is he doesn't take his medication as prescribed.  His reasoning is he doesn't always need it or some days it is just to hard to even take it because he feels so over whelmed. This leads to me getting mad because life is so much more pleasant when he can actually participate in it.  I and his doctor have tried to explain to him that he has a medical condition much like diabetes or high blood pressure and that the medicine is a necessity not an option.

    Anyway I've decided that I have to stop being an enabler and help him be motivated to be the awesome and accomplished person I know he can be.  But how do I do that?  I tend to lose my temper (I know it's wrong) when I want him to just snap out of it and try to get some things done and he can't seem to do it.  I've tried lists, small goals and positive reinforcement but honestly none of it has worked. 

    I just ordered the book but I'm just curious if anyone has advice on how to stop being an enabler and start being a helpmate.



  • by: redhead1017 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    How do you stop nagging - or reminding? 

    I don't feel like it's my job to help him remember to do things. Yet there are things that he's taken on that he won't let me help with. Those things sometimes have a time-sensitive component to them, so if they are not done in the time that they need to be done, there are consequences. 

    For example. A year ago (YES an entire year), we started looking to buy a house. It's a year later, and our broker has to keep asking him for the same documents because by the time my DH gets them to him they are already expired (bank statements). I asked about this yet again this week and he assured me it would be done - has it been done? No. If you added up all the times I've asked him to finish this process it would probably number in the thousands. Something that would take one afternoon AT BEST has taken him an entire year. I told him this last time I would not ask him about it again because I was frankly tired of it. And I can't take it over because he would be super offended!

    Another example. Ten years ago he told me that our storage of garbage (yes, literally garbage - stuff that's broken that he's been meaning to fix for two decades, including baby toys for our almost 21 year old - would be cleaned out. Ten years later, now we have two storages full of garbage. If I ask him about these things, he flips  out. I can't even talk to him about it. So I just keep paying for it. 

    One more example (I have lots more, but....). He has no insurance as I am self-employed and can't get him on my insurance, as he has diabetes and high blood pressure. He refuses to look for insurance. When I asked him about it today he acted like I had grealy offended him by daring to ask him about something that could greatly impact our family's financial situation. If he gets sick - which is a very real possibility as he takes terrible care of himself - I will be paying for it out of pocket. He's been sued twice by doctor's offices for not paying; he doesn't show the bills to me OR he tells me that they are taken care of, which they are not. 

    I don't want to nag. I don't want to be negative. And I can't just let him face the consequences of his decision (as Melissa's book likes to point out) because it's not him that will be suffering the consequences. He does not care or just ignores it. I guess the only solution here is just to pretend everything is okay? I'm so tired of wanting to rely on him and it's just not happening. I guess maybe that's where the nagging really originates.....I want so badly to have someone to rely on.

    Bottom line: how do you handle NOT nagging. 

  • by: SilverLight - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hello - I have been with my partner for 8 years - I left the relationship after the first year but decided to return.  It is long and complicated and I feel I have been confused about my partners behaviour and ways of seeing and doing things the whole time I have been with him. I have come to the end of my rope with trying to understand - I am the only one in the relationship trying to understand our relationship! I try to understand him, he almost demands that I do, he doesn't attempt to understand me on more than a superficial level and we are back to confusing behaviour for me, double dutch conversations and chaos. I feel a bit stupid for trying to work on this for this long.  Soon into the relationship his mother died, very suddenly, we met when he was 40, he appeared quite lost and confused and I genuinely thought it was bereavement and mid life.  I stepped back a bit, he was funny, charming, we had the same dreams, ideas and similar backgrounds in that we came from the same industry but now self employed, wanting to find a good work/life balance.  I have led a fairly responsible life with work and family issues and I met someone who was a lot of fun, at a time where I was focusing on my own dreams to find a good relationship and have a family.  It started off really all those logical connections, being on the same page etc have disappeared, they disappeared quite quickly really, I can see I am the only one that follows A B C D goals and if I stumble, I can explain to myself and others why, find a solution or choose a different path.

    In the whole time I have been with my partner the picture of our life has been muddled, he seems to have 'gone along' with me, enthusiastic, upbeat, but somehow emotionally uninvolved, always able to be hurtful or neglectful and not realise, quite self centred it seemed.  He mentioned ADHD at one point, he went for an assessment soon after his mother died, I was not living with him then and he was all over the place after her death.  At the time the consultant said, you may have mild ADHD with anxiety but you seem to have a lifestyle that suits it and managing well, we don't medicate adults and suggest you do some mindfullness meditation to manage anxiety an continue as you are. At the time I said, what about relationships, did you mention the difficulty in communicating your needs clearly, the short fuse - he hadn't.

    The relationship got worse, in that I never knew where I stood, he seemed to forget conversations, it felt like I didn't know him and couldn't get to know him, yet he kept diving back into the 'plan' and I stayed. The plan was never really joined up, in my head it was and I thought in his too, but nothing seemed to progress.  My mother then died and I decided to get a job for routine and he sold his house and said we could move to a new town, which was what we had talked about.  I suggested renting for a while, I still wasnt sure of things and grieving.

    Cut a long story short we purchased a house, we have never had children and for the past 4 years have struggled to get on consistently or progress any sort of plans unless I make them. Before we met he had worked for himself for 10 years, he had left his job and taken a project with him that he could run for 3 months of the year and not work the rest of the year.  He also purchased two houses and rented them out, part of his income comes from them.  He spent some of the year visiting his sister in Australia, a lot of time on the beach and liked his free and easy lifestyle.  No routines and only pressure for 3 months of the year for work.  He is successful financially with this arrangement.   He comes up with ideas for us, big ideas and they are just ideas, none of them happen and only get talked about in an abstract way, if I try to actually make moves to make them happen he gets stressed, in fact every conversation he gets stressed.  It appears he is not listening, he looks the other way, jumps in on what I say, corrects me and gets excited about How things will work but not realistic about making them happen - at the beginning this meant I followed through and did everything, only for him to get upset that I was asking him to join in, he would get stressed.  If he does things with me, he doesn't really seem interested, unless he is talking about big ideas or I am paying him attention.  If I ask to talk things through, plan things, boundaries, arrangements, he can get stressed easily, if I am assertive he gets defensive.

    I could go on - but in a nutshell I feel empty, he doesn't seem to want or understand relationship needs.  Compliments, affection, approaching me, good communication, shared plans and projects - it took us 2 years to reevaluate our service providers because every conversation he got stressed.  If you ask his opinion on things to act on and agree he often gets stressed - if I go ahead and do things alone, he is fine with that, but when I ask for some sense of partnership, he gets offended and says he does give me partnership! He provides the majority of the income in our house and cleans the kitchen obsessively when he does do it, but seems to think he does other things which he doesn't.  The main problem I have is that he has rages, he is rude, he is stressed and it's getting worse, I try to ask what the stress is and work it through.  There is zero follow through and the stress remains.  I have asked him to address the inconsistencys, tell me how he feels, listen to how I feel.  I have modelled ways for us to make a team and reach our goals and all that happens is he says great and the next day nothing - it's like he forgot.  I have made things happen and sometimes he uses that and says, you push and push and I don't get to do what I want.  I then ask what he wants, but he seems to need permission or help to actually do it - things like hobbies etc  I honestly feel like I am living with a teenager - he wants his old life back, that I am pressured, boring, he wants no pressure.  I feel very hurt that almost all his conversations are not about relationship issues and I ask what he wants from the relationship and he says - not to be stressed.  I can't understand how to behave to keep him calm, which is how it has become, I almost live separately, I am planning on leaving but need to raise finances - all the while trying to work on this because he seems oblivious about the problems unless I raise them.  It feels as if this isn't a grown up life - it feels like fantasy ideas that will never happen unless I make them happen and I feel he is a stranger.  Yet, if I try to get us to progress, he gets stressed, overwhelmed.

    He basically seems unaware of me completely - the more I detach, the more he is distant, but still looks to me to talk ten to the dozen, complain about his stress, talk about our plans and future, but with nothing concrete.  I have stopped trying to progress anything, I just listen and expect nothing.  He says he wants to move house, he has been looking at new houses every month for years - I say, please decide on the goal and we will work towards it, explaining that this random way of living is stressful for me.  People come to visit and he can't plan, gets annoyed if I do, when they are here, he just says yes to things they say and everything feels very out of control and unstable. I have come to the end of my coping strategies and am angry, I have explained to him what I need, mostly boundaries around his ideas and talking and also some sort of common ground to share, I have told him I feel lonely and unmotivated.  The more I do this, the more defensive he becomes, he tries to work it all out (on his own, talking AT me) and can't understand why I am unhappy and sees me as attacking him.

    It's seriously awful, he rages are increasing.  Last week he mentioned ADHD which he does occasionally - he was calm and said he might go to the doctor.  He has been to the doctor recently and said he is stressed, the doctor gave him the option of anxiety medication, he has not mentioned that since, he didn't mention ADHD to the doctor.  He said he thinks there is no treatment anyway and lifestyle choices are what he did before, I mentioned that different skills are required in relationships and that I am not coping as he isn't understanding what I am 'missing' out on and how much responsibility I feel, that I can't live the way he does as it feels almost childish to me - we are not meeting each others needs or achieving anything.  He seemed to understand but two days later is stressed and angry when I try to follow through, act in a different way - it's like he can't get a grip on any concept for long and thinks he has.

    I apologise for the ramble - it isn't very sensicle of clear what I am needing - but it represents my confused mind.  My needs aren't getting met, he wont admit he has a problem that is hurting me and the relationship and he is blaming me and saying he wants his old life back.  He is not saying we will separate, I know he wont follow through with anything, but I feel rejected and in a no win.  I find it hard to leave without really understanding whether this is a mental health issue, or more, but either way, it's hard to be with somehow denying something that is clearly not working and continuing to behave the same way - THAT feels like madness.

    Thank you for reading.

    I didn't want to make a list of the things I find hard, a blame list, but they are the things I am struggling with - they seem so opposed to a stable, foundation from which to grow, which is what I am trying to achieve.

    Impulsive - mainly verbally, quick to talk, answer, think of ways to make things work (even conversations to his advantage), very bright with strategy.  Means I never know where I stand, he says things and behaves differently, makes plans and forgets them, makes goals and can't get there, goes off in moods, doesn't think to get in touch.  Has made quick decisions to sell and buy houses in the past. If there is nothing to spark him off, he is rarely motivated to look beyond is comfort zone - I feel let down and part of a game. He cannot regulate emotions - he flies into rages or empty sitting or sulking - he can't manage stress.

    People Please & Criticism - he genuinely thinks he is doing the right thing, so why should I want more.  He will almost do anything you tell him, if he is focussed on you, if you were to spend days and days with him, he would probably do everything I asked.  If you ask or communicate and seek mutual agreement, the conversation gets stressy - he can only seem to do as told or you do as he says. This results in me feeling like I am ordering him about and also that he isn't really bothered.  He will behave this way for anyone - he will do as asked and complete it if he is given step by step instructions on a regular basis - but I have learnt this actually stresses him out a lot and takes a lot of energy - it isn't a genuine desire or motivation

    Empathy /Emotional Awareness - I am not sure he knows how he feels or what he wants and even if he listens to me, the next day, it's like he didn't really hear, his interactions remain the same, superficial and either dependent on instructions on how and what to interact with or he is quite able to practially ignore until something interests him and he will start talking almost AT me>

    I feel very lonely and very confused as his way seems and sounded so good - but it doesn't contain things like serious talks about our financial future, or emotional needs and trust and respect.  Everything feels temporary and I wonder if all this is hyperfocus, impulsivity and inability to regulate mood.  I definitely feel I am in a relationship with a condition and not a person - I cant understand the person with the condition and he doesn't seem to think I should want anything that I do want.

  • by: Standing - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    This was the question of Mineola, tucked into the middle of another thread, which I tried to answer and then clicked some weird button on my mouse and... poof, it was gone.

    Mineola, thank you for your post. I think it was on this household tasks subforum.  You were concerned about sounding narcissistic. You don't!!  You sound like me, who grew up with a very narcissistic family influence and became determined to NOT be that way. Took me years to even recognize that it is OKAY for me to have needs, much less to define them.

    So thank you for expressing yourself, in a very clear, UN-narcissistic way.

    You know, I have struggled with the question of whether or not I have a right to require that my husband get a complete evaluation. I struggle no more. Yes, I have that right, just as much as I would have the right and reason to require that he seek treatment for addiction, if that were the issue wreaking havoc in our home. I have done enough humble begging and pleading and silent hoping for a lifetime. Sure, he can choose to be content to claim the right to be himself, undiagnosed, undermedicated or inappropriately medicated, or abusing his medication, as he sees fit. Or he can choose to take the next step in working on our marriage. There will be other steps, too... like ongoing counseling. And it still may not be enough, depending on his level of commitment to the process.

    What I see in him is that he does know my needs, because when he wants to please me, he does those things which I have requested for years... like turn off the tv by 11 pm, so that I don't have to try to get to sleep with it on. But if I really feel the need to get to sleep earlier, I have to wait, while he repeatedly questions me about whether the volume is bothering me.

    And, the past couple nights:

    He will give the cats their nighttime snack, for instance, and proudly tell me that he took care of them. What I also see is that when he thinks he is doing a good thing by feeding the cats, I still need to go behind him to make sure that they can both access their food bowls, otherwise the one will clean up both servings and the other will be disappointed. Yes, he put food into their bowls, he went through the motions, but he did not observe whether what he had done was enough. Classic. I walk in and the one poor girl is pacing back and forth trying to figure a way to her snack, her satisfaction. I can relate at every level.

  • by: heartbrokenAndL... - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I am in a very similar situation to much of what I have read on here. My husband and I are actually divorced now. He said he didn't want to, but has been terrible to me. We had an amazing courtship. But marriage was a different story. He ignored me during my whole pregnancy and we lived in hell as we fought false accusations of abuse from his ex girlfriend whom he shares two daughters with. She was jealous and made up horrible lies that hurt the girls, and our entire family. We spent over $80k defending him in court and paying for her legal fees. We won shared custody but lost everything in the process. I moved back with my parents shortly after our baby was born because he needed time and space to "figure things out". I later figured out that everything he says is a lie. He was emotionally involved with a woman during the last three months of my pregnancy and told her how horrible his marriage was and then days after settling in court and giving his ex twice as much money as she was entitled to he started sleeping with her again! The same woman who had his daughters subjected to rape tests and tried not only once to implicate him as an abuser...but three more times over the course of the last year!

    He begged for me to come back, still lying about everything. I have no doubt that he loves me, but his impulsive behavior and deceit are unbearable. He has moments of clarity when he realizes how terrible his actions have been, but cannot explain why he does the things he does.

    He has admitted that it sounds like he has ADHD and is willing to try treatment and medication.
    He actually took the initiative to contact the Hallowell Center and has an appointment in a few weeks.

    Is there anyone out there who can speak to the possibility of someone who lies about EVERYTHING being able to change that behavior with treatment?
    I'm so tired of worrying that I will catch him in another lie...flirting with his (monster of an) ex, or God forbid sleeping with her again...or the next cute client that walks through his door.

    How can I ever trust him again?

    Is real change possible?


  • by: Dipity - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hello - Just a quick bit of advice really. Hubby and I are looking for a verbal or non verbal clue for when he is talking too loudly - which he does when is is really animated. He never notices when he is doing it and misses usual cues like people stepping away from him etc.  Me saying "I'm just here" isn't working out well for either of us as you can imagine and we were wondering if any of you had this issue and or any ideas about a cue we could use?  We have thought about maybe a wink (however I look like I'm having a stroke when I try and wink!!!)  touching my mouth (but then what if I just touch my mouth lol) rubbing my ear (what if it's just itchy!?!?!)

    Any help or advice appreciated!



  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I so badly want to tell my mom, sister, friends and coworkers about all the things H does like not going to work, lying about being at work but really just killing time someplace else until I leave for work and then coming home, lying about pretty much everything, not having any money to contribute to bills, etc. but I never have. I only tell everyone about the good things he does. As far as everyone knows we have the perfect marriage and there's not a thing wrong. I want to shout from the rooftops that H is an inconsiderate, narcissistic person who only does what he wants and makes promises that I know he won't keep. I keep all my anger buried deep down and have to come to these forums (and others) to let it all out.

    Is anyone else dealing with this alone?

  • by: Whip lash - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been with my ADHD partner for 3 years I have 2 kids 1 from a previous relationship my older child a boy who is 8 and my daughter is 10 months. Sometimes I feel my partner does not like my son I know this is not true because my partner can be very kind to my son and takes him places and they can get along great, my son still has not come to terms with me and his dad breaking up he has had a hard time his dad who he still sees is not a good parent he is always letting him down and it's very hard to watch his dad still says stuff to him about when we were together he plays mind games with him, I try to make up for it by talking to him about it and explain things to him when he gets upset, my partner dosnt understand the emotional pain my son is going through and thinks he's cheeky and bold I do admit he can be cheeky but nothing extream my partner punishes him by putting him to his room or taking something from him and no longer consults me about it, sometimes he can be a bit harsh and when I say something he gets angry with me I try to tell him he's only a child and kids can be bold. We had a row the other day we were out in my  partners parents house having dinner while waiting on dinner I put a film on for my son to watch and my partner didn't want to watch it but I said to him leave it on for the kids when I left the room to help with dinner a few mins later my son appeared in the kitchen I asked him what was wrong he told me my partner had turned the channel so I went in and asked him to turn the movie back on and he Wudnt he said it's crap I said maybe to u but kids like it now turn it back he refused so his mother came in and told him not to be so selfish and turn it back he became very angry and verbally abused me and his mother came into the kitchen and said to my son that's all your fault you caused that his mother told him not to speak to the child or me like that, I ignored him for the evening I was upset over it, he was very nice to me and my son later that evening playing and laughing with him as if nothing had happened. Just don't no how to Handle it and I worry he will be the same with our daughter when she's older

  • by: Rosered - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband, like many of the spouses here, has depression and anxiety along with ADHD.  As far as I know, he's not taking any medication now ("they don't help," his words).  He's not in therapy.  I think he seemed better when on meds and in therapy.  Tonight, the death of Robin Williams is weighing heavily on me.  Any ideas for encouraging a person with untreated mental health issues to get back into treatment?  Thank you.