Recent Topics

  • by: codrdave - 2 months 6 days ago

    I few months ago I just let go of my bitterness and resentment. This has been a huge bonus for us in our marriage. But, that isn't enough for my ADD wife. We haven't had sex in 9 weeks. That is partly due to me not initiating. I had to let go in order to find peace and happiness. So let me explain what is happening and perhaps someone has a suggestion for me to try. 

    My wife forgets sex. She forgets everything I like during sex. Any preferences or adjustments that you would assume happen over a life time together.. they just vanish. Certain positions are uncomfortable. Certain paces don't work... you know those things you spend a life time learning about each other, right? Well, she can't remember them. On top of that, if I say anything like, that hurts, a little faster, etc. She freaks out. Why can't I just like what she does. This is after 30 years of sex... she can't remember what I like, what I don't like and any request for adjustment is brutal to her. 

    So, I've lost interest in sex. I'm told sex is all about me but when I ask for her desires she says she doesn't know. I try to find a compromise and negotiate something that works for both of us but she stonewalls me and says it's all about me. I try to insist that she needs to get what she likes as well but she won't tell me. She only insists that I should only accept what she does even when it's 100% not working for me. 

    So the question is this. How do I stay engaged in sex and want sex if I'm never allowed to have any say or input?

  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 2 months 1 week ago

    Today H and I were working at our business.  Afterwards, we had some shopping to do at 2 different stores.  At the first store, we each took our own list and agreed to meet back.  I couldn't find an item so it took me a TINY bit longer...not much longer.   H was livid.  

    In the car-ride to the next store, H lectured me about how stressful shopping is, etc, and how I contribute to the stress.  I told him that since shopping is stressful then I will go by myself.   (easy solution!)   Oh, but no.  H became very insulted by that.   He said that it was a "stick in the eye" for me to say that I  would go alone rather than "make sure" that nothing stressful happens.  How am i supposed to do THAT.  

    Then and there I realized that any solutions that I can come up with to deal with H's mental conditions need to be kept secret.  In the future, I won't shop with him.  I won't announce it, because he'd be insulted by it.   He thinks that my suggestion is just a way of saying, "there's nothing I can do to remove your stresses, so I'd rather go without you.

  • by: crossingfingers... - 2 months 1 week ago

    Hi all,

    I haven't posted here in a while because I wanted to take a step back and let my relationship grow. It has grown in some ways, but we have recognized what I consider a very challenging hurdle. My bf of 4 years shuts out everyone in his life to various degrees, he doesn't tell them things and doesn't trust them, because he literally cannot tolerate hearing an opinion about himself that he doesn't like. He has actually said "why should I have to listen to what other people think?" regarding myself and his family (the only people who actually attempt to be close to him). He admitted to emphasizing certain things and omitting other things in conversation with everyone he talks to (he didn't even admit it, he offered it up). This is a huge barrier to emotional intimacy between him and me, any anyone else in his life.

    I am not often critical of him, but when I question something he does or express an opinion that he takes as criticism, he is rude and shuts the conversation down. I am just trying to communicate, but he doesn't think he has to "explain [himself] to anyone." I don't yell anymore, but he yells at me and works himself up until he literally has to run away. I watched him yelling last night and he was actually throwing a tantrum like a toddler would. We have plans to move in together and I wanted to know why he hasn't told his parents. We had dinner with them last night and I had to keep my mouth shut. He said he is waiting because he doesn't want to deal with it if anyone has a differing opinion. I said maybe they wouldn't be excited because he doesn't tell them much about us or his life. He said he'll tell them when it's "relevant." He has had boundary issues with his mom oversharing his business to people, but that doesn't excuse all of his behavior. They want to be involved in his life. He hangs onto the past and every negative thing he has perceived anyone saying to him. He ascribes negative motivations to people and thinks everything is thrown in his face; he doesn't give anyone the benefit of the doubt for caring about him. The most telling comment he made was that it's hard enough for him to feel good about himself, let alone hear people's opinions. 

    This is becoming untenable for me because we can't have a conversation about it where he doesn't blame me and run away yelling. (He brought up a time 4 years ago when I told his mother something that he hadn't and said "that didn't go so well, did it?" I didn't even know what he meant about it not going well. He said he just felt like she treated him differently after. I am expected to read his mind.) I feel like I have tried every way I know how to have a conversation with him. He doesn't apologize after he yells and leaves. He thinks he is entitled to do whatever he wants and have people's support, and have their trust while they know that he is often manipulating the truth. He doesn't consider that it might be hard for people to trust him. I need the honest opinion of you all as to whether this is something that can be worked through if he isn't in therapy (he isn't). These are major trust, intimacy, self-esteem, and communication issues that is is blaming everyone for but himself. He seems incapable or unwilling to address the feelings of others. I am wondering how he even thinks this way (is he struggling to maintain a narrative of himself?), but I really need to know what I should do. Our relationship is pretty good otherwise, but being treated disrespectfully and not being able to be honest with him is not going to work as we move through life. I don't even know how to express how I feel to him because he won't listen.

    Thanks for any thoughts or stories you might share.

  • by: jay23 - 2 months 1 week ago

    I have been single for 3 years and during this time I have been involved in 4 relationships. Every relationship has a common theem I will work very hard to get the girl of my dream but as time goes by (4 to 6 months) I will get board with the relationship and brake up. 

    I was diagnosed with ADHD 5 years ago and take meds but no counseling. 

    I am trying to see if this is related to ADHD or my past marriage (a very bad marriage)

    Thanks

    Jay

  • by: rankin - 2 months 1 week ago

    I am going to try and keep this short.

    I am 58 male and recently become aware that i have adhd. I have an appointment in late April with a psychologist to look at treatment options.

    I have become aware of this because I have been in a long distance relationship,with diagnosed ADHD, that has affected in such a deep way, that my emotions have been out of control. TOTALLY.

    I was the very happy recipient of hyper focus for 3 months and now it has been withdrawn. yup and after reading I know im not the only one lol. And my course has followed the course of everyone else.

    So, even tho his behavior screams disinterest, (eg me always contacting him) His words tell a different story. Although the language has moved from "i love you, i love you, i love you" to "lets be friends with benefits".....which i am perfectly ok with. He still says he wants me as part of his life but wants to pursue another interest and is short of time. He also will not commit to a weekly Skype date.

    So, the questions I have are:.

    1. Will I be missed if withdraw for a week, as "the no contact rule" recommends. I have been texting him daily and he has said he does not find it a burden.

    or

    2. should i keep in his mind via text, so i am not forgotten.

    and 3' I know he his hyperfocusing on someone else. he has told me. That's cool with me. But how long can i expect that sort of focus to last? Boredom has to settle in sooner or later>lol.

    I would be thankful for any add/adhd people that can advise me. Cuase i need help. Becuase now i am hyperfocusing on this and its driving me nuts.

    Thanks.

     

     

     

     

    '

  • by: harleyquinnmistahj - 2 months 1 week ago

    First of all, I'm new here. Just registered tonight so bear with me if the topic was addressed earlier and I missed it.

    My husband has had years of drug abuse. He came clean about it all and got clean a year ago. I was unaware that he was using but miserable in our marriage. When he got clean things started to change and he has gotten MUCH better for the most part. There are still some issues that drive me crazy (and from the forum topics I read I am not alone). I have a degree in psychology so I've always suspected that he had ADHD but I also know that former drug use can give you similar symptoms as well. I am so relieved to know that I am not the only one who is going through these issues either way. I have a feeling I will be on here a lot!!!

    My question I guess is this, do any of you have an ADHD spouse who ALSO has a history of drug abuse?

    Thank you all and...Hello new friends!

  • by: hermione - 2 months 1 week ago

    Hi,

    My partner (who has ADHD) and I recently went to a series of counselling sessions with an ADHD expert. One of the ideas that we came up with during the sessions was to put up a whiteboard in our kitchen, that we could use to communicate with each other. My partner was particularly keen to use this to help us with scheduling. So if I need to know if he can come to a particular social engagement, or if I want us to discuss who's going to do a particular household task etc, I write it on the board. Then the idea is that he reads it, and gets back to me. This has worked some of the time. But most of the time, he does not get back to me about the things I write on the board. They just sit there for 2 or 3 weeks until I end up having to verbally remind him about them anyway! It's really annoying, particularly when the whiteboard was his idea in the first place. I'm wondering if there's a way to make this system work better. Like maybe we could have a weekly meeting to deal with items on the whiteboard that haven't been dealt with. Or maybe I could put a deadline on some of the items, so that if he doesn't get back to me in a particular timeframe, I just make my own arrangements (eg. if we're both invited to a party, and he doesn't get back to me, I'll just let the host know whether I'm coming or not, and leave him to contact them independently). What do others think? Anyone have any experience with this, or any ideas I haven't though of? Thanks.  

  • by: lostblossom - 2 months 1 week ago

    Firstly, I'm the one with the disorder(s).  I have OCD, ADHD and a BONUS eating disorder.  In order to be successful, I must have a plan, make advanced preparations and a stable routine.  After 10 years of dating, in my infinite wisdom, I agreed to marry my long time partner and his alcoholism.  We are fast approaching our 2nd anniversary and I am fast approaching a full scale lock me in the psych ward meltdown.  

    I've just come home from an overly long "vacation"with my terminally ill parents to find our home completely in a shambles.  My plants are all dead.  When I opened the fridge to grab a mineral water something with tentacles and a demonic voice tried to pull me into the fridge.  There is dog feces on the carpet in the spare bedroom.  The bed is unmade.  There are no edible food stuffs in the house.  The dishes I washed and left in the dish drainer to dry THREE WEEKS AGO are still sitting there.  MY bathroom is a wreck, as he simply decided to use mine while I was away and didn't have the courtesy to empty the waste basket, refill the toilet tissue, clean his whiskers out of the sink, pick up the towels off the floor, or flush the toilet regularly.  We have a house guest coming in a week to help me get my eating disorder back under control and stay with me while I go to the gym.  I am freaking out.

    My husband works all week except Wednesday and I would like to actually spend some quality time with him after my prolonged absence- but I am enraged!  I have a week to get all this in order and I've actually phoned a friend to help.  Why should I have to call a friend to help when I have a husband, my alleged partner?!!!  Because he wont help and I know I will have to do it all by myself.  Now my ADHD is doing the cha cha with my OCD and I cannot figure out where to start.  I have no plan.  I've been trying to unpack form my trip, but I feel like I need to get the furniture moved into the guest room before my friend comes to help me tomorrow.  I could just go take a big hand full of my meds and knock myself into a comfortable state of apathy, but then who will get any of this done?

     

     

  • by: confused94 - 2 months 1 week ago
    Hi, I know this site is about adhd and marriage but I couldn't find anything else. I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now and we have talked about marriage, kids and living together. But he gets so angry and it worries me alot. He's agitated in the mornings so I don't know what to expect or say to him. He can be angry on the phone at night and have a go at me, saying I won't have a good career and that everything including my family is stupid and he wants nothing to do with it. He has a go at me if something goes wrong. He calls me a liar sometimes. He always has to.be right. He swears and shouts about little things like struggling with a shoe. I love him but I've never had a boyfriend before and it's a lot to cope with. He always blames his adhd and he also suffers from aspergers. He's on tablets but without them he scares me a bit. I don't think he would hit me but I hate swearing and shouting. I try to avoid him when.he's like this but he has a go at me for walking away. He's a lovely guy when he's on his tablets but I don't know if the things he says when he's in a mood are what he really thinks. I'm a student at the moment and he moans about having to wait for me to get my degree that in his words are pointless and I'll end up in a dead end job anyway. I don't know what to so. My family thinks he's not good enough for me and should treat me better and I'm really close to them. But what if I end it and I've given up something wonderful. The bad times seem to be more and more often though. What should I do?
  • by: dvance - 2 months 1 week ago

    The longer I am in this marriage with an ADHD person and raising an ADHD son, the more I think it's me that is the problem.  I am only half kidding.  My son is going to be 16 in May and he is basically a great kid--has a job, clean cut, swim team and water polo, grades--up and down.  Here's what I don't get--he makes so many odd assumptions and then gets mad at me when I don't get on board.  For example, he currently has mostly Cs in high school.  He doesn't try very hard, isn't fussed if things are late, satisfied with mediocre and yet--wants to go to UCLA.  How in the WORLD will that EVER happen with those grades???  We have sat together and looked at the entrance requirements on the UCLA website and I can tell you it's not Cs and yet there is no connection between what he wants and how to act to get it.  When I do laundry I put his clothes on his chair and it's up to him to put them away.  This hardly every happens.  Currently he has so many clothes on his chair that they are spilling off onto the floor.  And no matter how many times I ask, it does not get done.  I know this sounds like typical teen behavior, but there is so much more!!!  Now, why am I posting this on a marriage forum??  Because this is how hubby acts too.  I can ask him to do something five times and there is absolutely no movement towards getting it done at all.  No matter how little time it would take to do it.  For example, we live in an apartment and have two indoor parking spaces next to each other-his is in the corner of the garage, so he only has my car on the other side.  There is so much crap pilled up along the wall and behind our cars--it's embarrassing.  We are the only people with stuff behind our cars.  What is the stuff?  Empty Home Depot buckets, a broken air conditioner, two ladders, leftover sheets of plywood, a huge budweiser sign that he found in someone else's garbage, wooden wine crates for some craft project that never got done, a beer keg for some other craft project that never got done.  Just today I asked if we could toss some of that stuff and he said "I don't know".  Okay then.  Hubby cannot clearly communicate with me about pretty much anything.  He travels for work.  I will ask him when he is leaving (sometimes he flies, sometimes drives) and he'll say things like "I'll head out as soon as I get up".  How am I supposed to know what time that will be??  Today it took me three texts to get it out of him what time he would be home from oldest son's water polo tourney.  Why is it so difficult to answer a questions in a straightforward way?  And this is why I think that I am the problem.  I am the bad guy in the family all the time to everyone.  I am the one who makes the oldest one do stuff when dad is out of town.  I am the one who asks hubby umpteen times to do something that I really need or want done so it's nagging DESPITE the fact that hubby is the one who did not do what I asked.  I am the one who asks basically the same question repeatedly to get the information I need despite the fact that it's hubby who can't give a clear answer to save his life.  Nothing that bothers me bothers him--the amount of laundry on Oldest Sons chair/floor drives me nuts-not him.  We have a LOT of medical debt right now-mostly from him.  I seriously lay awake going over numbers in my head to figure out how we are going to get out of it.  I have no idea if he ever thinks about it one way or the other.  He never says a word about it.  He asks me very few questions about what I'm doing.  He makes a point to always ask about my day but all I say is it was fine-I don't say much because he has accused me of complaining too much about my job, so I just say oh, fine day, nothing special, and he doesn't persue it at all, but he will go on and on about his day.  I posted a while ago about how I really don't like what I have become since living with an ADHD spouse.  I have no expectations of hubby at all.  Don't care if he asks me about my day, don't care to hear about his, but I listen to be polite.  When he is traveling, he may or may not call us and I sometimes don't even notice or I have to think about the last time I heard from him.  How sad is that?  Sometimes I don't know where he is.  He tells me, I just don't retain it.  We can sit on the couch for a couple of hours in the evening watching something and not speak at all, much less cuddle.  If we walk somewhere in the neighborhood to do errands, we don't hold hands any more (used to).  In the car, one of us used to reach for the other's hand-that does not happen any more either.  I don't even care.  I think I am the problem.  I don't have enough patience or compassion for this.  I have tried for 20 years and right now all I can think of is when the kids go to college I can leave and live alone.  I literally stand in my house now and look around and think about the items I would take with me when I go.  And it's very little.  I want to live in a studio apartment that's decorated all in white-white walls, white furniture.  I want to have like two sets of plates/cups/silverware, two tea mugs, two sets of towels.  I want to have loads of shelves for my books, a good sound system to listen to the classical music that I love, a rabbit or two to hang out with (we have had rabbits for 20 years--right now we have two--LOVE my bunnies!!!!).  I want to not have a land line phone-no way for anyone to get ahold of me-I can turn a cell phone OFF.  I just want to be left alone.  I am tired of making decisions.  I am tired of having to monitor everything I say, how I say it, how much I say, when I say it and how the mood of the other person is before I say it.  We got a $5000 tax refund a few weeks ago and I paid back a ton of bills and never said a word to him.  When I finally told him, he said whatever I did was fine.  I signed a contract on a promotion at my school on Friday.  I was negotiating with the pastor (I teach in a Catholic school--ironic, right?!?!!) for about a month before we came to this really really good agreement.  I only told hubby when the contract was signed because I know I am capable of thinking it through on my own and I really didn't care what he might have to say about it.  Again, not the kind of person I want to be.  I think it is too late for me to be a true partner to someone.  I don't think I can any more.  I think whatever softness that requires is long gone.  I am so tired of compromising, I don't think I can do it any more.  I know I don't ever want to live with someone ever again.  I sleep so much better when hubby is out of town and yet when he comes home, the first thing he says to me the first night he is back in our bed is how much he misses being in bed with me.  What kind of monster does that make me that I prefer to sleep alone and he misses sleeping with me??  Any sharing, asking another person's opinion, discussing things before making a decision--I don't think I can do that any more because it's been so long since we did it here.  ADHD thinking is so convoluted to me that I honestly avoid having philosophical or big decision-ish conversations because half the time I don't understand or agree with what he is saying so why bother.  I think that is a skill set that has left me.  Our counselor asked a few weeks ago what I need from hubby and I honestly could not think of a single thing besides his paycheck.  I feel like over time so many parts of me have closed up--sharing, trusting, counting on someone to have your back, valuing another person's opinion, actually wanting to have a discussion before making a decision.  Another teacher at my school (the math specialist) who is about 15 years younger than me and only married a year had to talk to her husband before agreeing to to teach an additional math class for a teacher who was going on maternity leave.  I just cannot get my brain around that--why would he care?  Why would you have to discuss that with anyone much less your husband?  Why would he care how you spend the hours of your teaching day?  She knows some of our issues so I actually asked her why she would even mention that let alone have a big discussion about it and she said her husband doesn't want her to take on too much or feel overworked.  Huh.  Would not even occur to me to mention that at home.  My promotion was to Assistant Principal.  It's a big deal.  I have many new additional responsibilities that were assigned to me in addition to my full time teaching.  I never even occurred to me to tell hubby what else I will be doing.  He didn't ask either, but it's clearly listed in my new contract, so I know, I just don't know why he would even be interested or care what I do.  And that's why I think I am the problem--I think I am no longer suited to being with another person.  

    thoughts?

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