Recent Topics

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I am so so so fed up with this! I don't think H feels good about himself until he can find fault with something I am doing! I NEVER used to second guess things I did until I met him. Now every time he shows up in the kitchen while I'm trying to get something ready I basically freeze and wait for him to leave because no matter what I do he will tell me it needs to be done differently. I don't think he could find anything wrong with what I was doing a few weeks ago but then he just had to turn the burner down EVER so slightly to feel good about himself. We were playing darts at a bar this past weekend and he says to me "When you hand these to me can you PLEASE grab them by the tips so I have something to grab onto?" You are joking right? You are going to berate me for how I am handing you the darts??!! I was winding up the hose yesterday after watering the yard (I apparently watered correctly as I heard no comment on how I was doing it wrong!) but of course he is watching me wind up the hose and goes "Can you PLEASE make the loops longer? You make them so small when you wind it over the holder." Then he proceeds to take it out of my hand and show me how to do it like I am a total idiot! Why the HELL does it matter if the loops are big or little?? We went to the zoo on Saturday and it is a maze of pathways and I never knew which direction to go. He always wants me to walk ahead of him and so when I take a wrong turn he puts on a big production of "Where are you going? Geez you are going to get us lost?" You know where you are going so why the hell don't you lead! Or do you enjoy berating me for going the wrong way?

    And if I hear "What ARE you doing?" from him ONE MORE TIME I am going to lose it! If I walk in and out of a room more than twice while he is sitting there, I'll hear it. If I go out into the garage and don't come out after 30 seconds he'll come in and ask it. If I walk in and out of the house a few times doing chores I'll hear it. It's like if I'm not sitting still in the living room in front of the tv where he knows I am then he's always suspicious of me. I even told him "You should just get that tatooed on your forehead!" which he thought was hilarious! I don't care if he's trying to be funny by saying that all the time, it's not funny. It's annoying as hell to constantly be asked what I'm doing!

  • by: Rosered - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Hi.  My husband is once again struggling mightily with depression and other things.  Much of it is situational but it also seems clear to me that my husband feels better and functions better when he's on medications or in therapy and right now he's not doing either, because he chose to stop them.  I'm interested in learning other people's thoughts about whether my spouse would be more likely to stay on meds and in therapy if I stated my observation to him ("dear, you do actually get worse when you're not in treatment") and then suggested that he not make the decision to stop treatment without consulting someone (his therapist, his shrink, me, his GP).  Thank you.

  • by: WornOutMB - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    My husband has been gone for six weeks.  In some ways it has been good.  In some ways not so good.  He has rented a room about 25 minutes away. I met with him today to discuss finances but it turned ugly.  He will not face anything he is doing. Honestly, I don't recognize him.  He has a swagger and an attitude about him that did not exist before.  It is a little creepy to me. He took our son's college money and spent almost all of it. In six weeks. He does not see that he has a problem.  I've tried to talk to him several times and each time it gets turned around into everything is my fault.  He said he is not coming back, ever.  He will support our son and me for now.  He wants me to hurry and get a job. I start substitute teaching in a couple of weeks. I run a small business from home.  It will take a while for me to get a permanent job as I have been out of the job market for a number of years.  Outside of worrying about what this is doing to my son, I worry about finances the most.  I cannot maintain our home on my own. I will have to, at some point, rent out a room. 

    The good things I've learned are that I am stronger than I thought I was.  I can get through a lot. I haven't stayed in bed with the covers over my head, like I thought I would. I've been through the death of my mother and my husband leaving in the last 7 months and I'm still here.  There is peace in our household.  I have no problem with my son. He is such a good young man (he's 15).  I had wondered for a while if he has ADHD but I don't see the same symptoms present now. I think it was the influence of his dad. He sees his dad 2-3 times a week but isn't with him as much. I clearly see now how and where ADHD was affecting our marriage.  The stress over finances is still there because I am relying on his pay at this point, but all other things are gone. He is not starting projects and not finishing them.  He's not coming home from work and ignoring the fact that I am present in the room with him. He is not leaving the front door open, cabinet doors open, piles of messes everywhere. I don't feel responsible for saving him from himself.  He will have to take care of himself or live with the consequences.  I don't feel hated in my own home.  That is a relief.  I am leaning a lot on God.  My faith keeps me going. 

     

  • by: culzeancully43 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been with my husband for thirteen years and married for five. Reading posts , I think that he has ADHD. He has every symptom mentioned and is getting increasingly difficult to cope with. Due to his angry outbursts, bad behaviour and lack of apologies , I am in constant danger of being isolated from family and friends. He is like Jekyll and Hyde. One minute kind, loving and fun to be with the next angry about everything in his life and blaming everyone else for making him angry. I bear the brunt of it and have gone from being a bright, bubbly , happy person to being a nervous wreck. I have an extremely responsible job as a lawyer and am constantly in fear of him phoning and being abusive to me or humiliating me in front of staff and clients.  He is completely reckless money wise and says he hates the fact that I am responsible and don, t push boundaries.He  thinks that all rules are there to be broken. He does not take responsibility for anything and denies what has been said. I had a miscarriage recently and ended up at the hospital on my own despite frequent calls to him. He denied I had called him or sent texts and when I showed him , he accused me of ambushing him. My parents are desperate for me to leave him and I get no support from his parents . His adoptive mother thinks the sun shines out of him while his adoptive father, who has asperger,s could not care less. They think that I should be grateful?!that when he has  had a tantrum and thrown things  at me that he has never actually hit me. I do feel sorry for my husband and I do love the nice man but I am exhausted with him and fed up going to bed every night on an argument. I am fed up not having people round because they are nervous of his behaviour and I,m fed up with him acting like a toddler.  I do not know what to do. Social situations and holidays are turning into a nightmare. I spoke with his aunt this morning and she told me that he was always loud, attention seeking and hyper as a child and as a teenager was always walking out of jobs , friendships and relationships and in her opinion hasn.t changed. She also said that his patents would never admit anything could be wrong with either him or his sister. She also said that it was due to his anger that his sister stopped all contact with him He says he has no idea why. I would like to get him to a doctor to see if he does have and has had ADHD as a child but not sure how to get him there. I fear for my marriage and am not sure how my husband would cope if I ended it. 

  • by: dweeb - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    Before I met my husband, I felt like a normal, contributing, functioning, clean member of society.  I really liked that.  I paid my bills on time, I loved my house, I was active, I took pride in myself, my house, my work, etc.

     

    Granted I have a 2 year old (from another ex, who isn't involved), I find I'm it!  You know, the person who cleans, cooks, takes care of everything but myself type.  I've become overweight (partially from baby, partially from choosing McD's  or other fast food types over having to cook and entertain a 2 year old after a long day at work while my husband sleeps.

     

    I guess what I'm trying to get at is, I'm starting to really resent the fact that I wanted a different life for myself.  I want to be able to take a girls weekend with my friends, or a girls night out, go running, or walking, or start sewing lessons, travel once a year, keep active and do fun activities that cost money with my daughter.  The problem is, if I take a girls weekend for instance, nothing will get done around the house, as seen when I take my daughter and head off to the cottage without him for a few days.

    I won't leave him alone with my daughter since, while I do think he's a great dad, I find if he's lacking sleep, or had too much caffeine, etc, then I find him extremely hard on her.  His expectation of her is so high that she becomes miserable and she sits on time out as a result.

     

    How do you ladies cope with the life you live now, vs the life you wished for yourself, or wanted?  I don't know how to stop the resentment and just accept the fact that I'll be doing the majority of EVERYTHING for the rest of my life.

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    To any persons out there who have/or are in therapy of ANY kind, including medical doctors:   Do the doctors or therapists ask for YOUR (the non-ADHD) person's input and/or opinions? And what is their responses? Do they take you seriously? My ADHD husband and I have been in couples therapy a few times, (even one ADHD specialist) but they never EXPLAINED the ins and outs of ADHD. I'd like to hear anyone else's experiences in this. Were there any POSITIVE things coming out of your appointments?

  • by: frustratedinfla - 1 month 2 weeks ago
    We can't talk anymore, on meds, no meds, morning, noon or night! Why us it so hard to talk to them? Last night I asked him a question and then again the blank state! I said are you thinking or ignoring me? He said a little of both! I said why are you ignoring me? He said I'm not, I'm thinking. And he heard me give another option besides thinking and ignoring! Then this morning,I have to tell you guys my morning, DH was stirring when I got up to get the kids up and ready for school. And of course the new puppy is hungry so I fed her in the crate and he let her run when she was done. I told him I had a crazy morning and had to get in the shower. I said are you going to keep her on the bed with you or do you want me to lock her up? He said I'll keep her on the bed. I'm getting literally getting in the shower, and here she comes! I said did she jump or did you let her down? He said I put her down, I said I'm in the shower and she's unsupervised! He mumbled something from the bed. I looked out of the shower and there she goes taking a poop on the carpet! Grrrrr so I'm pissed because if he had no intention of watching her, then don't volunteer! I would have just locked her up and not had to worry! But it's like I'm supposed to treat him like a normal person and not treat him different but he has no concept of anything other than what's important to him! Yes I understand he was trying to get that few minutes extra sleep but seriously don't volunteer to be on puppy duty if you have no intention on keeping an eye on her! And of course he hasn't had his meds yet so I can't even discuss this yet! Fml so do I have a right to be posses off or am I over reacting!
  • by: broken99 - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I have been the 'child' in this relationship for 40 years!

    I'm not going into details but we both seemed happy.

    Now I want to build Independence and Autonomy.

    My therapist says 'take charge of more things.'

    I have made a list of things I can do.

    What else should I be thinking about, directing my efforts toward?
     

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    I don't think H really has any true friends. He's got buddies he races with but they never call him up wanting to do anything. I don't really have any friends since I moved out here 5 years ago because 1) I'm shy and 2) H goes into a snarky mode anytime I make plans to do anything with anyone so I never call anyone up and I almost always turn anyone down when they do ask me to go out with them. I think he is tired of seeing pictures on Facebook of all these people having fun in big groups and here we are at home doing the same old thing-nothing. Yet I love how he says "I" need to find us some friends. He just doesn't want to do anything does he??!  He says he can't find anyone because they all treat him like crap and use him. I'm friends with some people at work so he tells me to ask them to come up some weekend and we'll bbq. No way...are you out of your mind?! I don't want anyone I work with to come up and be subjugated to you! He's known for just letting f-bombs fly and he'll probably drink too much and be overly loud because he thinks he's being funny and friendly, but it's so embarrassing.

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 2 weeks ago

    The smallest things turn into a HUGE deal! Just last week I took one of his precious sharp knives out of the butcher block to open a package. He sits there and watches me and goes "I REALLY wish you wouldn't use those knives to open packages. It just dulls them". Guess what? The VERY next day he gets a package and opens it with the SAME knife I had used! Back up to about a month ago when we had a bunch of rice leftover along with teriyaki. I froze the teriyaki and asked if I should freeze the rice too. Oh my god he looked at me like I was crazy! "Why would you even think of freezing rice? No! Either throw it out or keep it in the fridge". Then a few weeks later the same thing where we had a bunch of rice leftover. Guess what? He put it in a tupperware container and put it in the freezer! Last winter I left the door from the living room to the garage open because I was in and out doing laundry. He practically has a tizzy because the furnace is running and here I am with the door open. The next day with the furnace running he opens both the front door and the back door and leaves them open so that the cats can go in and out at their leisure! Oh and he has a tizzy when I don't cover something in the microwave and it splatters a bit. Yet 30 minutes later he's doing the same thing!

    I am really tired of being berated for minor things and then he turns around and does them and I tell them that he JUST had a fit because I did the same thing yesterday. He blows it off and goes "Whatever...it's not a big deal". Really? Because yesterday it was a HUGE deal when I did it!

    Oh and this incident was just awesome too. About 2 years ago we went on a trip to see some motorcycle racing. A friend and his dad were going too but weren't able to get a room so they stayed with us. They rented a car and we rode with them around town. Well one morning we stopped at McDonalds before heading to the races. H and I are in the back seat and I am doling out the coffees. Everyone gets theirs and then H tells me to open the 2 sugar packets and put them in his cup. Well absentmindedly I open the 2 packets and then with the same hand take the lid off the cup, dumping the sugar all over the back seat. They are only small sugar packets and there's not that much, but OMG, H just couldn't shut up about how moronic that was. For the next 10 minutes I heard "Oh my god. Really? Really? How could you do that? What were you thinking?" I got so angry. I felt like I was a 10 year old getting berated. I admit it was dumb of me but he could have laughed it off and then cleaned it up quietly rather than going on and on and on about it in front of them. Then about an hour later we were walking and my shoe had come untied for the second time. He tells me to tie it and I say I'm fine that I'll just wait until we are out of the crowd. He tells me "No we'll stop and wait for you while you tie it". Once again i felt like I was 10 years old.

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