Recent Topics

  • by: sad - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I don't want to leave my ADHD husband, but after nearly 20 years of being married, I am so tired. I'm so lonely, and I feel too old for not yet 40. I don't dream any more, or plan, because I know that even though it's not his fault, nothing we plan will ever come true. I'm so tired of the shame, of our overgrown yard, our disastrous finances, every day that passes with nothing to show except the same old arguments and his promises that he's heard me when I know in my heart, he can't change. He is a really lovely man and very kind and a terrific dad is, but I know now that to be with him means having to get to a place where I want nothing/need nothing & expect nothing and I don't know if i can do that. Because I nag so much, and cry and have almighty tantrums and can't stop comparing our situation to friends etc/ I'm always apologizing for who I am and how I treat him and he always says, don't apologize I'd be a messif it weren't for you. That used to flatter me but now I realise it makes me feel sad and trapped, because he would be a disaster without me. I realize part of the reason I stay with him is because I fear what would happen to him if I stopped running everything, buying his clothes, making his meals, reminders etc. I imagine seeing the house he would create for himself as a single person and of having to drop our kids of there and I know I can't do it. the reason i have no energy is because it all goes on plugging up this sinking ship.

    But that means, I am stuck here, feeling so desperately lonely, with no one who really knows what its like to be so lost in a marrige to a "great guy". Everyone tells me I'm so lucky all the time, because he's so forgiving etc but I think it's because he just forgot our arguments. he'll never change. members of his family, and now sadly, one of my own  sons has ADDD, and I feel like I can't escape this horrible condition no matter where i go. It's everywhere and I feel crazy all the time. I so desperately want to run away and start over with a person who can actually love me and make me feel safe and do the things he says he'll do. I mourn all the years of our early marriage when I didn't know he was ADHD. also because i do love him i wish i got to know who he would really be, if he didn't have ADHD. The real version of him is in there somewhere but can never really exist because of this horrible condition. i feel like there is no hope, and that I'm too young to have so many regrets, so much anger and grief. noone in my family knows, a few of our friends I've told but they don't really believe someone like him who seems so together could have that "thing naughty boys have". it's funny how many people on this forum comment on feeling like they have a giant extra child. that's how i feel all the time, and i have so much shame and embarassment attached to that. it's like an entire level of emotional operation just doesn't exist there. i know he feels frustrated and depressed too, and i feel like i am ruining his self-esteem by constantly drawing attention to all his deficiencies and making him feel bad for what he can't fix. i don't even know why i am posting. i guess this is the first time i've realised i'm not alone - even if it's virtual, and in real life, i am truly, truly alone. i even notice i am slowly pushing every real friend i have out of my life, because i am tired of being the woman at my coffee morning who is always complaining about the same stuff which  noone even believes is real. i wish i could start my life over again, i wish i'd had all the information when i chose to get married so that i wouldn't have a sense of being "mis-sold", or i wish someone could invent a cure for ADHD so I could stay married.

    thanks and sorry for the depressing post.

  • by: overwhelmedwife - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    Another football season has begun, and another few months of weekend hell.   This early afternoon we were at a group function and someone had a football game on.  The teams weren't even any of H's favorite teams....He has one big favorite and a few other favorites.   He started screaming at some of the penalty calls, the bad throws, you name it.   Then later this afternoon, one of his favorite teams was playing and it was actually scary to be around him.  He threw the remote in anger .  So, before half-time even came, I left the room and stayed in our bedroom....which made him angrier because he wants me there with him, and because my leaving "makes him feel bad" because it points out that he's a poor sport.  


    I just told him that I won't watch any games with him this season.  Although I enjoy the actual games, even the ones that are "sure wins" will anger H if someone makes a mistake. 


    A couple years ago, the police came because he became so verbally abusive and scary when he thought his team was losing (in the end, they won).  When I tried to leave, H ran after me screaming, so the neighbors called the police.  When the police got there, H was very angry and the police told him that they were going to take him to a hotel for the night ....they didn't want him driving because he had been drinking.   


    Tonight, he wasn't drinking as far as I know.  


    I try to figure out why he is this way about sports...including the ones that he plays.  He's a horrible loser.  His best friend (who died in a tragic accident) used to play him in tennis but H would get so angry when he lost, it was no longer fun for this friend.  H is like a worse version of John McEnroe.  


    There are two things I've observed:


    1) The perfection expectation:  He expects all players, coaches, and refs to be perfect.  When they fall short of that expectation, he gets angry.   I'm not talking about the typical, "oh shit" when someone drops the ball.  I'm talking about becoming extremely angry in a way that observers notice and become nervous.


    2)  Somehow these teams' performances are a reflection of him.  If they do poorly, then somehow he "looks badly," too.  I know that sounds crazy, but it does seem that way.  


    Anyone else experience this?



  • by: jc007 - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I am starting to believe that I maybe adhd/add....I have recently started living with my partner who ls adhd. The more I read about it, it feels like I'm reading about myself. But I'm interested to know how paranoia fits into the diagnosis. I have occasional boughts of extreme paranoia....i can be in top form, and word, a look, or even a movement can start me think the worst - that she is having an affair, and it's impossible to shake off...for the record I'm not the jealous type normally....but this paranoia is horrible....
    Maybe I'm just bonkers?


  • by: catwoman707 - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I admit, if I had known anything at all about adult ADHD in my husband, prior to marrying him I would have researched and known what I was in for, and surely headed for the hills!

    But I didn't. I had no idea that my dh had been diagnosed as a child, and has lived his entire adult life not even acknowledging he still has it, and didn't tell me anything. I was so unfamiliar with ADHD, except that children are diagnosed for this or ADD, thought they outgrew it.

    WELL! Shame on me, I married him after meeting and falling madly in love, and a short, 6 month relationship. Everything I have read, all of the signs, characteristics, and behavior of adult ADHD is him, all of them, looks like he has it in full form.

    Depression, dramatic unprovoked mood swings, hyperfocuses, lacks focus, he lies, he loses things, he has a very fast temper and anger, low self-esteem, feels underachieved, loses things, spends money frivilously yet can't account for where he spent it, our communication is zero, unless of course I 'reel him in' with my calm talk and digging to get anything out of him, we go noplace together, haven't been in the same car for at least the past year, we have separate bedrooms, I am lonely and feel empty, he's like a duracell bunny, just can't even sit down and chat or anything, he stands to eat nearly all of the time, morning, lunch at work, most dinners we eat separately because I can't eat fast at 10 or 11 at night, when he finally comes in from the basement (his mancave) showers then grabs a bite and goes to bed.

    He usually sleeps no more than 5 hours a night, is a light sleeper and tells me sometimes he lays there for hours wide awake.

    Other times randomly he goes to bed at 8 and sleeps until 5 am for work, usually a few days in a row he does this, then back to his 4-5 hour sleep.

    He doesn't listen or hear me, he forgets constantly, he lies about having made an appt to see a dr about getting help, this last time I asked him if he had called to make an appt, he said yes I did, I asked okay when is it, he said he couldn't get in until the 23rd, okay, that works. Good. Calendar shows the 23rd is a Sunday. The morning of the 23rd I said thanks for that, I appreciate the lie, he just dismisses it and heads to the basement.

    So much more involved, it's awful. So I find this site and needing to vent. Where do I begin, or when do I just walk away. I already know I'm in for a lot of work, will it be one-sided, likely, which means I'm wasting my time on a man who has no desire to get help, he doesn't want to admit he has issues and is killing our marriage after only 4 years.

    Now I know why the honeymoon was over after a few weeks of being married. Weird........

    For the past 2 years he has gone fishing nearly every single day, I mean...who does that?!. Yet if I ask him if he loves me, he says he does, and has since the first day we met, and always will.

    So that's what keeps me here, but I am too old and tired to go through all of this, mid 50's and I just wanted to be content with a partner, a friend I could trust and count on.

    I'm so discouraged now, tired of my life, and can't fix another's life, I wouldn't know where to begin.....

  • by: Anonymous (not verified) - 2 months 3 weeks ago
  • by: jennalemone - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I ask myself,  "What do you want?"  I can never put my finger on this question to myself - of what do I want for myself.  I realize that I have not "wanted" for decades.  OR better said, I WANTED my family to feel taken care of and to have a nice home and a loving family.  THAT is what I wanted.  I worked like crazy and sacrificed gladly.  I was empathic and saw my role in life as someone who supported my husband and 2 sons to achieve in what THEY wanted for themselves.  I supported my husband even more than my sons toward what HE wanted and with what HE could handle.  It is my belief that if everyone gives, the family as a whole unit thrives.

    When I think back to what I wanted as a younger person, There was a time when I wanted my husband. I was a young romantic. I GOT him.  I liked the idea of living near a lake, near my mom and sisters.  I GOT that.  I wanted to travel.   I DID that somewhat.  

    What had me so full of discontent and annoyed?  There are fears and disappointments in life.  I have been focusing on those things and they have been driving me crazy!     

    An attitude I am trying to change inside myself has to do with the difference between SHAME and GUILT.  I don't think I really understood the difference.  But, this is what I am getting to know about myself.  I have been SHAMING MYSELF!  Whenever I would make a mistake or when I didin't know what to do, I would ponder how I got into such a mess and what was wrong with ME that I was miserable and was not able to figure out how to fix things.  So I felt SHAME and blamed myself over and over trying to make things different.  

    What I CAN do is to say, "Jenna, you are smart and good.  You made a wrong choice. It didn't work out well. What did you learn?"  Instead I was saying, "Stupid, stupd, stupid.  Why can't you figure this out?  What is the matter with you? Are you immature? Are you emotionally sick? Are you ugly or unpersonable or unloveable?"

    ACCEPTING that I made bad choices decades ago.  That I made wrong decisions years ago. AND I WILL KEEP MAKING MISTAKES....because that is what human beings do.  We make decisions and half the time, the decision is not the best one.  BUT that is where we get to forgive ourselves for being a human being.  Decisions must be made daily by us all.  I have been stuck and unmoving in my bad situation because I have become afraid to make more bad choices.  Yet not making a move or a choice has been the great undoing of my life.  My life has become stagnant while I wimper and have my emotional pity parties.   It doesn't have to be like that.  

    NOT DARING TO RISK a wrong choice has kept me small and not too proud of myself.  

    I have stopped the emotional tantrums.  When I start getting worked up, I say, "I made some bad choices. Ugh!"  Yet, I got pretty much what I wanted out of life - (other than feeling unloved and insecure in my marriage).  If that is what I want now {love and security), I can find ways to make myself feel loved and secure.  That is where I am right now.  

    I realize I must accept H the way he is.  It does not help me or him for me to be angry or resentful.  I don't have to try to FIX things with him.  He does not want or is not able to LOVE ME (for whatever reason).  I don't need to figure him out.   I DO want to have love and security.  I get to work on that now.  

  • by: nointroductionn... - 2 months 3 weeks ago


    My fiance and i have been dating 3 months (did i say i'm impulsive?), but truly i've found a woman after my heart and im happy to find her, to seek out, and to donate my heart to her every day. we've spent a tremendous amount of time together and we're planning that next step. but truthfully, i've lived a life of self-fulfilling prophesy in that i never felt worthy of love, and i was fearful and anxious about my ability to keep a relationship, and then, consequentially, previous relationships have suffered bc of it. so i have been deliberately alone for a very long time. and consequentially, i'm not very skilled at relationships. sounds like oroboros.

    but, i know where i stand with this woman and that is clear. since my thoughts are so foggy so often, i thrive on clarity. and so, we're pushing the envelope. and i've said yes to everything.what a blessing.

    but now that we are seeing the effects of my adhd, we're looking for strategies to stay on the front end of this. i take straterra (but maybe there's a better medicine - it makes me so sleepy), i keep an active calendar in use (she has 2 active children), i exercise often (and probably i should find some vitamins to keep up with that), i work at an active job (and it can wear me out and be highly stressful as a general manager of a restaurant - did i say active? 70 hours /week active), i keep a notepad and try to remember the little things that let her know she's important and loved (but i forget the conversation we had 10 seconds ago).


    so, stress, fatigue,inexperience, and my own inadequacies or anxieties - these things kind of impact my ability to manage the adhd and i'm looking for suggestions on how to start off on the right foot and stay there.


    your help is greatly appreciated.


    very respectfully

  • by: lost77 - 2 months 3 weeks ago


    I am trying to find someone good in MN that would be able to help diagnose me. I believe I have ADHD. I think I have had it all my life. I just started college and if I thought it was obvious before it is even more painfully obvious now. I want to be able to focus and do good at my schooling this time or I feel like I'm wasting my time. As a child I never knew what the issue was and my parents weren't clued in either. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I'm so tired of suffering. It isn't only affecting me but it's deeply affecting my marriage. I have tried to talk to my regular doctor and he gave me more antidepressants. I don't know how to help him understand that isn't going to help me.



  • by: Satya - 2 months 4 weeks ago

    Please  find below the last email I sent to my husband, we are married for 4 years with a 3 years old beautiful girl. He also has PTSD , anxiety and sometimes panic attacks, it is surreal, I have been trying for my daughter, but I am seriously thinking about leaving this relationship. 

    He just started adderall I am not sure why it is taking a while to work, I had really 3 days in a month!

    Is there anybody to give me some hope that things can get better with the right medicine? 

    > You have been a monster and attacking me all the time for stupid reasons. > > The medicine is not working and I am beyond unhappy. > > Please do not screw up with my Mon here as you favorite thing is to fuck up with my family, before you I really got along with everybody. My brother and I are the favorite for my mon's and daddy's side of the family, everybody loves me and my brother, because we always talk to everybody. > > Just like you screw up my car insurance and say that I am a bad driver when I have an outstanding record. > > I know deep inside you know you are the source of all problems , but won't admit because it is too painful to look how messed up your brain is. > > I fell you are not doing enough to save this marriage by trying to make things better, I understand you can change a f up life like yours overnight but I do not see any improvements. > > My week days are horrible my weekends are worse. I take care of Clara all by myself and I already feel like a single mother. > > Not to mention you do not ask anything about me or my day, that become irrelevant, I do not even exist in the relationship. > > Sex is not even in the list because for that to work I need to be mentally connect with a person and right now I am not connected to you at any level. > > I am full of resentment and anger trying to find drops of minutes of sanity in your brain.



  • by: Poor excuse 4 a wife - 3 months 14 hours ago

    I have ADHD, diagnosed for over 10 years.  I take medication - I also have lupus.  These two things combined along with my general inability to fix anything are destroying my marriage. My husband is tired of me - and rightfully so.  We are living apart for the 2nd time, after being married 5 years.  We have 6 children between us, but none together.  I can't get it together.  He is tired of waiting for me to change.  Tired of my lack of follow through.  Tired.  I'm not suicidal, but I'm pretty damn close.  I don't want to live this chaotic life, but I don't know how to fix it.  We don't have the money for a coach, and our insurance doesn't cover it.  I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know how to swim.  I'm a smart woman - full scholarship to law school and great hyperfocus at times.  But I don't know how to be a wife, at least now the way my husband wants and deserves.  All I do is disappoint him (and myself).  

    I wish I was "normal", or at least understood normal, whatever that is.  I didn't even know I could feel this sad.  I'm not even sure why I'm posting, except that I can't just keep crying.  Maybe it is time to just get divorced and be alone.  I don't know anymore.