Recent Topics

  • by: sdelo7 - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Endless circle that seems to be getting worse with my ADHD husband. I don't get it and I don't know what to do.

    I have been trying to be supportive since his diagnosis in January 2009 but it is becoming increasingly more difficult as I get more and more overwhelmed. Do any of you see things getting worse as opposed to better over time?

    Where do I start...

    Over time, I have taken on more and more at home as my husband needed to "work on himself", was unable to take on too much as he was overwhelmed and needed time to develop strategies and get better with the help of his ADHD coach and his doctor. He needed to take 1 step at a time.

    Then, he doesn't want me to do anything for him (except be positive and loving) because it makes him feel inadequate and useless when I do more.

    Then if I don't do something for him when he asks me or because I told him I am no longer doing something, he gets angry because I am "sticking it to him" by leaving it to him to get done.

    To be clear, I try not to do things for him that only impact him if it is not done, like making sure his credit card gets paid or doing his laundry. I used to do those but stopped when he complained about HOW i was taking care of them. Now he complains that he is overwhelmed because I leave those to him.

    The more I take on, the less he does, the more he complains.

    If I ask for his help, he argues he can't handle it. If I don't ask, he argues that it belittles him that I don't ask because it means I feel he is incapable.

    See what I mean about going around in circles?

    What I also don't get is the arguing, blaming, contradicting, denying etc... I decide to do things a certain way that works for me, he provides "suggestions" on how i should do it differently.  Sometimes I will just say to him: The way I was doing it works for me, you can do it yourself if you want it done differently. Then he gets angry because he doesn't want to do it. Says he is only trying to be helpful. It's not helpful!!! You want to help, do something. If i tell him that I am just leaving it for him to do he gets angry that I am asking for too much, he can't do it. However, if I ask for his opinion about something, he has nothing. I am smarter than he is he says.

    Everything is my fault. He doesn't contribute because I am not nice enough to him. He doesn't go to bed because I go to bed too early and I snore. I lost weight recently to help with my snoring, he says it did help but now he doesn't go to bed because I am not nice enough to him. I need to be more empathetic and positive with him. He yells at me because I rile him up. I need to praise him when he does something to help. Sometimes - more and more often - I get so overwhelmed, I just cry. He asks me why, I tell him I am overwhelmed. He answers that I just need to go get therapy. I ask him for help. He says he is trying.

    It's constantly about what I do wrong to him, how I speak to him, what I need to do, what I need to stop doing, what I need to change. Nothing I say is right - he has to contradict, argue, suggest something different. Nothing I do is right - I need to do more, I need to do less, I need to do it differently. I don't need or ask for thank you, praises or anything. I just want respect and be treated as an equal.

    I feel emotionally abused and exhausted.

  • by: Tired Silly - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I am editing my story, because I feel as if I shared too much identifiable information about myself and my life, which left me feeling really exposed. I will consider resharing at another time when I feel more together. Possibly after I see a counselor. So much of my story is mixed up inside of the chaos of ADHD, and its been so many years, I'm not sure I can untangle myself from it all.

     

     

  • by: blippard123 - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    WOW! Exactly how many things can a person have going on at once. Add, depression and panic disorder is my life on a daily basis. Living as a married adult it has been very, very difficult not just for me but for my wife as well. You see she is an extrovert and is very anal and precise about everything. It has been as hard for me as it has been for her. She doesn't really understand why I feel and do the things I do and it frustrates her to no end. To make matters worse, I work with her every day in her business because our finances dictate that I help her. She reminds me daily of just how much of a screw up I am and how worthless of a husband she married. Which does nothing but reinforce what and how I feel about myself. When I was young I never dealt with anything like this but I started having some of these feelings in high school. Progressively the symptoms have gotten worse over time. The add makes life hard. The depression is overwhelming and the panic disorder is the worse. I don't even know whom I am anymore. I was able to keep these feelings under control when I was single but when I got married they got worse. Don't really know if it's because I married someone with a different personality than me or if it's all my fault. Both my wife are Christians and have faith. Believe me, this is worse than having a major physical illness, in my opinion. I don't have insurance and can't go to the doctor but I feel I need help. If anyone out there can offer any advice I would be ever so grateful. For those of you who are going through similar circumstances, my heart and prayers go out to you. God Bless

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    No longer shall intimidation, cowardice on my part, duress,  enabling, "keeping the peace" , smoothing things out, peace at all costs, acting co-dependant, being foolish, making stupid mistakes to hold the peace,  any actions not in my best interest - rule my life.

     

    Liz

  • by: senseiadams - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I am the non-ADHD partner, a 35 year old male.  My wife is 34, and suffers from not only ADHD, but BPD, OCD, PTSD, and generalized Anxiety.  It's an interesting combination.

    We followed the standard formula - meet, have an amazing dating life, amazing sex life, quickly get married, and three months later, wind up pregnant with our first daughter (now 2).

    We've since had another daughter, now 11 months.  Most of the issues stem from before the first pregnancy, else I would consider post-partum depression a factor (which it probably still is, if I'm being honest with myself).

    I work, and she is able to stay home with the babies.  Due to her PTSD (lost a child at 5 weeks after birth, due to druggy ex-husband's irresponsibility), she has never left our kids with anyone, and goes into panic attacks at the thought of it.  Our oldest slept in our room until she was 14 months, our youngest is in the room now and is 11 months.  We have room in the house (and furniture, etc.) to move the youngest out to her own room.

    We have not been intimate in our relationship for the past year - where previously she was a high-libido partner, she maintains absolutely no interest or desire for sex.  

    Since she is OCD as well as ADHD, her standards for the house and cleanliness are extremely unforgiving, but it's impossible to expect her to do any of it herself.  Most days, I come home from work to see the girls ignored in a corner, while my wife has dragged out the entire china cabinet, cookbook shelf, jewelry box, craft drawer, girl's closets, and any number of other projects that she has started throughout the day.

    She had previously shown massive benefits from medication, but earlier this year had been taken off of all psychostimulants and antidepressants due to a major concussion (fell trying to get something off the refridgerator while standing on a chair - ask your 6'4 husband to get it next time!!!).   When she started taking them again, they've seem to have greatly exacerbated her symptoms rather than relieving.  She's currently on 20/3 Adderol, 0.5/3 Xanax, 80/2 Prozac, and 150 Lamictal.  The Lamictal is new, and I suspect the cause of her more recent manic behaviors.

    All of that is just a recent snapshot, though.  Throughout the 3 years we've been married, she's gone into rages, panic attacks, violent outbursts (fortunately I've got 100 pounds on her), the foulest, most loathesome language and accusations, lies, infidelity, and basically anything else most of the posters go through with their ADHD spouses, on top of the massively high expectations and the constant reminders that nothing I do is good enough for her.

    I'm just at the end of my rope, and I'm venting.  I feel like I'm the father of 3 children, and the youngest two are the easy ones!  I feel that she puts absolutely nothing into this marriage that I couldn't get from a daycare.  She literally doesn't do anything throughout the day, except find more and more projects to destroy the house with, so that she can go have her "me time" after I get home from a 12 hour work day and have to cook, clean, bathe the kids, put them to bed, do laundry, make sure she's taking her medications, etc. etc. etc. etc.

    I have begged her to go to a counselor for her PTSD and Anxiety, but she refuses since she "doesnt' want to revisit it" and "you just don't understand so you have no right to say anything."

    I have begged her to see a couples counselor together, so that we can learn to see through each other's eyes - but she refuses, since she "doesn't want anyone knowing about our business."

    My family is 500 miles away, I have no friends since we moved to a new city 2 years ago (military retirement), and all I do from 5am until 1am is run, run, run, run, run.   I'm exhausted.

    Is there anything left for me?  Am I just enabling her behavior and making things worse by not taking the bait when she picks a fight?  Is there any hope at salvaging this utter trainwreck of a marriage??

    See title.

  • by: fightrunjokebrew - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Hello!

    I just picked up my first prescription for stimulant ADHD, Metadate, and am optimistic.

    Online, most of what I read focuses on side effects.  I am well-aware of these, and am now interested in hearing from those with experience in stimulant meds some of your positive experiences.

    On successful prescriptions:

    How long until it kicks in?  Will there be some instant lucidity, or does it come slowly as we repeat doses?  What does a positive result feel like?  

    Thanks!

     

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I got myself to a place of some contentment and peace a few weeks back.  Now I am floundering, and I am not really sure why. 

     

    "The problem isn’t that you don’t know what’s going on; it’s that you’ve had trouble sorting it all out."

    Kirshenbaum, Mira (1997-07-01). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship (p. 6). Plume. Kindle Edition. 

    The book was recommended to me, along with The Dance of Anger.  Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York: Harper & Row.

    I am not stupid.  I am not stuck on the fence.  I am not delusional.  I can see clearly.  I just need to make decisions.

    I was looking today over all the books I have.  I have spent at least the past 10 years being attracted to books that say things like: Have YOU reached rock bottom?  Are YOU ready to give up?  Are you ready to look deep inside YOURSELF to affect change?  Are you willing to realize what YOU add to the problem in your marriage?

    I see my errors.  I see my mistakes.  I see what I have done wrong.  I have worked it.  I have journaled it.  I am thinking I am right back to the place I started.  Of course a marriage takes two.  Of course I need to do things different and better.  

    What I need, truthfully, is a vacation from such intense focus.  I put myself under a microscope, I worked my butt  off to change, believing it will be noticed.  What I get in return "You need psychological help."    That is just not acceptable.

    And, yes, truthfully, in all honesty, I believe my spouse needs to do some work addressing issues, before we can accomplish things through couple's work.  I am at a different place.  He is at the old place.  I am not better than him.  I have acquired some tools he does not have.  If he wants them, he can get them, too.  IF working on our marriage is truthfully his goal, he will know things are getting better when the tension starts to clear.   And if he is told it is just unclear why I am not responding to him, then maybe it will be clear we are not meant to be together.   

    I fullly realized I DO NOT want to live in acceptance of this situation.  (read that question posed tosomeone else in another post by c ur self)

     

    Liz

  • by: Mapper - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I don't even ask H to run any errands for me, even if he is in the same vicinity of one I need to run. He is always asking me to stop by somewhere on my way home and pick something up for him. A few years ago when I worked form home and we only had one vehicle, I would often drop him off and pick him up if I needed the car. Well one morning I took him in, ran a few errands and got home and within 15 minutes he calls and says he forgot his iPod at home and asks if I would mind bringing it to him. I have just been in the car running all over town for an hour and now you want me to bring you your iPod because you are bored? Yet I still do it. When he works OT on the weekends he never brings a lunch and asks me to bring him something rather than him getting in his car and going to get something or better yet, bring something in with him. I'm sure if I had asked him to bring me a sandwich at 1PM on a Saturday he'd whine and tell me to grab something nearby!

    He gets off off work at 1:30PM and is home by 2PM. I work until 4PM and don't get home until 5PM. Yet I am the one who always has to do the grocery run on the way home. It's a pain in the ass to have to deal with rush hour traffic and then also have to stop and deal with the madhouse of a grocery store at 5PM. He could do it and still be home by 2:30 but asking him to do that is such a huge burden on him. You know, cause he just wants to relax when he gets off work. I dropped off some boots at a repair place to have a new zipper put in. He could have well picked them up after work since it was right by his work. Instead, I didn't mention it to him and went out of my way to pick them up. Just the idea of bringing up an errand to him stresses me out and I mine as well just do it myself. He'd probably forget anyways!

  • by: fightrunjokebrew - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    WOW

    Greetings all!

    First time on here… in fact, new to realizing I have ADHD.

    At 43 years old, I seem at first rather successful in life – good career, winning competitor in several (and strangely unrelated) disciplines, lots of wonderful friends, community/charity involvement, beautiful wife and children, big house etc. 

    Sounds great, right?  Well for example…

    • My career is pigeonholed because many higher and lateral positions require too much close follow-up, and/or technical detail and/or long forms etc.  Fortunately, on my own, I learned to use calendars, reminders, tasks, a planner etc to keep me on track
    • When talking to coworkers, friends, strangers, and my wife, I have no idea what they are saying half the time, and don’t remember half of that if I catch – some random word or phrase can send me daydreaming, or it may just seem too complex.  I could win a spelling bee, but a simple tax form is impossible.
    • My wife and I just this May had disillusion papers drawn up.  I have forgotten my children’s track meets and gymnastic events.  She says I am “not plugged in”.  There is no warmth, just venom most of the time.
    • On my United Way allocations committee, I ask pointed questions and act like I have it together… although the big budget spreadsheet may as well be in Chinese.

    My wife and I finally found a good counselor, who asked me early on if I have ADHD.  My first reaction was that of insulted (“what, MY fault?”), but I replied “Maybe… I tried Strattera years ago and it didn’t work well, so I gave it up.”.  She asked me to read Halloway’s “Driven to Distraction”.  Finally I did (audiobook).   Luckily, I was alone… I cried the first and second time I listened to it..  By the 3rd time, I began to listen to it for comfort.  Somebody else has this confusion, this noise, this disconnectedness, this spacing?  I was replaying my elementary teachers' grade card comments, where I I learned new words: “tends” (to forget), “disheveled” (my desk), and “cadet”.  I got decent grades, which masked the problems.

    After reading this, I got absolutely hungry for more knowledge, reading any info I can.  Last night I downloaded Orlov’s “ADHD Effect on Marriage”, and cannot put it away.  Only on Chapter 3, my mind has been blown.  Orlov captured my marriage in many ways, and I cannot wait for the next chapter, and for my wife to read/listen to it.

    I finally went and got a diagnosis, and just picked up some Metadate at the pharmacy.  Looking forward to starting to tune medication to optimum type and dose, realizing this likely won’t be the silver bullet

    My wife and I talked last night.  She seems hopeful, but is still doubtful and bitter.  She claims to have read up on ADHD already, although some of her statements were eerily similar to those of the unwitting non-ADHD spouses in both books.  We obviously have a long way to go, but we both seems willing to try.  

    Just found this Forum last night and looking at it has given me some relief, distant camaraderie, some understanding.

    Finally – and admission, a name, a reason, a community, a treatment, and most importantly… a hope.

    Thanks for listening!

    fightrunjokebrew

  • by: yplumaa - 1 month 3 weeks ago

     

    However, he seemed to have this 4-month cycle. Every four or five months, there would be something happens in his life that made him really upset. During the past 1.5 years, there had been: he lost his job; his son (from the 1st marriage) was caught to buy drugs; he was on probation on the job; then his son confessed about using drug for 3 years. Every time, he went through these drama, he wanted a break from me. We were actually engaged to be married by the end of October. After he became so upset with trouble at his job and with his son's drug problem, seeing all the negative feelings piling up, I tried to encourage him and gave him some suggestions on how to work on them. But he said he needed compassion instead of suggestions. He basically made the decision to break up with me overnight. He said I put too high of an expectation on him and he couldn't deal with it. I didn't feel I asked him for much, except that he kept seeing me. I was shocked, puzzled and confused. I went to beg him to give me another chance. I went to see counselor myself...Anyway, then thank God that I found about this website. It had been great help to read about similar stories from others.

    There are still something puzzled me that I couldn't make myself stop thinking about. I would like to post them here to get insights from ADHDers and their spouses. I think these will help me getting over the breakup more easily.

    1. Earlier this year, after we decided we are going to move towards marriage, he went through a vasectomy-reversal surgery at his own expense (even though he was broke himself). He did that because I said I would like to have a child if we get married. At the time, I thought that move showed a lot about his determination and commitment to me. And he also said, back then, it was a logical decision instead of emotional, unlike his previous marriages. I wonder how someone could just over-throw such a decision overnight. 

    2. His first marriage lasted 11 years until his first wife was found cheating. Then he started his journey of jumping from marriage to marriage. When I asked about his previous marriages, he only had bad words to say about exes. He also showed a lot of regrets. And he didn't like to talk about them. In fact, for 1.5 years, we dated longer than before either of his two previous marriages. I couldn't understand if it is the ADHD that made him switch women so easily. It was like he was so loving and sweet yesterday, and today he turned into this cold-hearted monster. I always had thought that he had never really recovered from the hurt his first wife did to him, since they were college sweetheart and he loved her deeply. 

    3. In my pleading and begging with him to come back, I had promised to take care of him financially: support him if he quits his job (he hated his job but didn't have other choices); pay for his child support, etc. I make enough money for both of us to live a comfortable life. But he said no. It just does not make sense that someone with clear conscious to simply reject this type of offer, does it? Unless he really resent me that much?

    4.He likes to exaggerate things. I found he would say things that he didn't really mean but he thinks people would like to hear. I think he does that because he is a natural people-pleaser. For example, when he was breaking up with me, he was angry with me for asking him to keep seeing me hence taking his attentions which he didn't want to put on me. But at the same time he would also say he still love me and still want to work on the relationship. Clearly he didn't but he said that to make me feel better. This makes me wonder if exaggeration is one of the traits of ADHDers.

    I guess I should feel fortunate that all the drama with him happened before the wedding. But I was so devastated by the breakups. It made me feel empty. I tried to look forward but I am afraid at the same time no other guy can match up to his sweetness. I am sorry for the long post. Any suggestions or advices are welcome.

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