Conflicts Around Household Tasks

We received this question from a reader:

"How can an ADHD affected spouse get a job and hold it to earn a living if he cannot find his keys/wallet/cellphone etc? How can a spouse NOT be tired out by repeated same scenarios of disorder and chaos repeatedly discussed and never changing?"

These are questions that cut to the heart of the long-term ADHD relationship.  I would like to address the non-ADHD spouse first, then circle back to the ADHD spouse.

When ADHD is in the marital mix, it can be a real challenge to get household chores done without one or the other feeling exasperated, angry or shamed. Often, the non-ADHD partner feels resentment over doing more than his/her share or having to constantly remind the other to do what needs to be done.

The AD/HD partner might feel angry at always being told what to do and may feel unappreciated for the efforts being made, which sometimes feels like they aren’t “good enough” no matter how hard he/she tries.

Two people have commented that they are in couples where both spouses have ADHD and that they find this very difficult.  I would like to address this a bit here but will start by recounting two comments specific to this topic to make it easier for those of you on a blog feed who aren’t always referring back to the site itself:From mhmarel:What about if both spouses have ADHD? I find it much more difficult to set up routines and coping systems, because I know my partner will not help me maintain them, and may even undermine them (example -- I spend an entire day organizing our financial files,

I know no one who loves household chores, but if you have ADHD the chores can move from drudgery to an impossibility.  That is, until you recognize that NOT doing these chores can wreak havoc on your most important adult relationships.

One of the most common issues with couples where one spouse has ADHD and the other doesn't is that the non-ADHD spouse often ends up as the family chore person, while the ADHD spouse does not participate regularly in taking care of daily chores.  For reasons I will explore in a different blog entry, this is particularly complicated when the person with the ADHD is the wife.

In "Delivered from Distraction", Dr. Hallowell provides an overview of what's typical for a couple where one spouse has undiagnosed ADHD.  The first thing he mentions, because it is so common, is this:The division of labor is wildly uneven.  The non-ADHD member does almost all of the "scut work" - the picking up, the organizing, the reminding, the cleaning, the planning - what psychologists call the executive functions.He goes on to provide a detailed overview of what the frustrations can be in an ADHD-affected relationship (pp. 318-327 in Delivered from Distraction) and I strongly recommend that anyone reading this blog read that chapter of the book.

Back to household chores and relationships.  "Wildly uneven" is wildly difficult for BOTH spouses.  Here's why it's hard for both spouses and what you can do about it: