all I see now is ADHD symptoms..partner doesn't see it at all...

Last night I was my wife's reluctant date at an elderly's neighborhood cocktail party. Some women she recently met were there without their spouses and she did not acknowledge me the entire evening. We were the last group to leave and she was quite drunk. As we walked home with another women, she was swooning about our younger "hot" male babysitter who was "cute", an actor.

We walked in the door approaching midnight and she ran to the male sitter, giving him a long hug saying its "been awhile" since she saw him (3 weeks maybe, he has been our sitter 5 times total = still "shiny and new”). Then he mentioned he was newly single. She long hugged him again. We all talked 10min more, she was very empathetic and touchy with him. I went upstairs to bed. About 30min later she was still down with him, I come down and she is watching him walk to his car, waving as he drives away. I go sleep in the guestroom.

Next morning, I want to say the following: "Last night you spent 40min saying goodnight to the babysitter, it made me feel uncomfortible and abandoned. Switch roles, how would you feel? what about the sitter?"

As usual, it took me forever to finish my sentence…below is the shortened version of communication between us…now that I’ve learned more about her ADHD, all I can see in our conversation/interaction is the symptoms…

 

Me: "...you spent 40min--"

Her: It was NOT 40min, you always lie and exaggerate 

Me: You were very drunk, and --

Her: You are the one who was drunk if you think it was 40min.

Me: I know it was 40min, I have a very good sense of time and part of ADHD is losing track of time and you know this, you are creating a diversion, can I please finish my sentence...

Her: (Rolls eyes, gets a coffee, puts hands on hip, looks out the window)

Me: I can't tell if you are listening to me, can you please look at me?

Her: No, I don’t have to look at you.

Me: As I was saying, it made me feel uncomfortable that you spent so long saying goodbye to a guy you called "hot" and "cute" 5min before walking in the door ---"

Her: What!?? He is a child!! I was just being nice. I can't believe you would suggest I am interested in him (spontaneously starts crying, blowing nose, sobbing, back turned)

Me: He is 7yrs younger than us. Stop crying, it seems fake, you are playing false victim. I still haven't finished my thought, can you please let me finish?!!

Her: (crying) I can't believe you think that about me, I don't have any feelings for him.

Me: I didn't say you have feelings for him...what I was trying to say is it made me feel weird and ignored. Imagine if the tables were turned -a "hot" younger woman sitter, I'm her boss, I get drunk and touchy, hanging out late-night?...how would you feel as my partner? how would she feel?...#me-too I would be in trouble, right?"

Her: (spontaneously stops crying, thinking about it) Okay maybe you are right. But I always take a long time to say goodbye, it is part of my personality. I talk to the female babysitters too. I like talking to other people, unlike you, you don’t like people.

Me: Every date night you stay up talking with the babysitter for sometimes 1hr. I feel avoided, some new person is more important to you. It kills date night for me.

Her: Whatever. People that come to take care of our kids are important to me, I want to connect with them. (walks away)