organizing a family vacation

trying new strategies for our 8x per yr family long weekends. it is usually chaos from my perspective (nonADHD) and i feel like my ADHD partner is "my 4th child, tagging along". this past weekend was no exception.

i arranged 100% of every detail, reservation, logistics and payment for the trip. day before departure while she is in shower, i take all 3 kids to run errands in "her" car including gassing it (she mentioned 3 times gas light was on but did nothing) and spending 2hrs cleaning it (spilled coffee, rotting food, fast food containers, gum, candy and 10+ empty bottles, makeup and creams jammed everywhere). i get back 10:30am. she doesn't speak a word to me until 1pm when she says i ruined her morning because i had the car and she had a plan to meet her friend at 10am. i was not told this detail. no text. no email. no reminder. she plays victim rest of day. 

we had a 5hr drive and an itinerary i arranged starting after lunch. departure was supposed to be 7-8am so everyone spent 1-2hrs packing the night before, i did 2 of 3 kids. i verbally reminded her of the 10 items to pack.

everyone wakes up at 6-7am, excited, except ADHD wife, who says it is a vacation day and gets out of bed at 8:30-9. turns out she didn't finish packing so i make breakfast while she packs. 10:30 (!!) we hit the road. 12 noon she is hungry (skipped breakfast) so we stop and have a sit down meal, everybody uses bathroom. 1pm we are about to hit the road again but she wants coffee (we were just at a restaurant!?). i object "too late" and she plays victim card i am trying to "control her" and am abusive for denying her coffee. so we get in drive thru line-up, back on road 1:20. before 2pm she needs to go to bathroom, she "can't help it" (not time of month) and when i remind her the 3 kids below 10yrs old had better bladder control, i am abusive for trying to "control her" and she act like a victim.

we get to the 5-star spa family resort 5hrs late. earlier, i tell her i am going to cancel her solo 3hrs facial and massage while i watched the 3 kids because she (my words) "wasn't participating, was making everyone late, i don't feel my giving efforts are getting reciprocated". she goes all silent and plays victim, she calls me a "trump supporter". i think she means #metoo she is an abuse victim because i have "high" standards for her as a wife/mother; i point it out when i don't get nurturing (i.e. she hasn't made meal 1 dang meal for me in 12 days and counting -i made 5x and restaurant 3x for her in same period  - last vacation she told me to "get dinner from a vending machine" after i counted a 10 day unreciprocated meal lapse....she says "I am NOT counting how many meals we make for each other like YOU ARE").

as usual, she forgot to pack a key clothing item, this time it was a fall jacket. i didn't buy her the missing item this time so she plays victim and asks to borrow valet's jacket for the day, (making me out as a cheapskate). and as usual, she left something in hotel room, this time it was a single new shoe. last time it was her entire jewelry case, fortunately i retrieved it racing back from airport, talked way out of a speeding ticket, still missed flight. i believe it is a fact, we have never gone of a vacation without her leaving something in a hotel room.

on way home, yesterday, again she is not ready 3hrs after i wanted to leave. i am super irritated and try to hold my cool in front of kids. so i arrange to stay an extra day, good prices fortunately. i arrange some of the activities/meals missed due to late arrival and she is 45min late for both events. i go ahead to the events and she goes all victim for having to "find us"...She acts all confused, with face in Iphone, when she forget the instructions being described by activity host. 6 people around her, including our 3 children, our 9yrs explains what was said but she says something obviously she is still confused. i ask her to put away the phone, she tells me "you can't control when i am on my phone"...

again, i beg her we need to pack, we need to depart 7-8am (today). we left 8:30am. so that is some progress (?).

i feel like i need it impliment a checklist whole family needs to check and sign when travelling (but in actuality only for my ADHD partner's benefit):

-that all items on list are packed

-before we back get in car, that bathroom has been used, all food and drink needs are met

-that during family activities not iphones allowed.

-the timing of reserved activities, meals times and meet up timing are acknowledged with a "Check"

anyone have success with making lists and "checks" to hold ADHD adults accountable?