some progress but ice cold

i failed over this summer trying to hold my partner accountable for her ADHD symptom behaviors. i probably was too forceful, demanding her to admit how her actions (usually lack of) impact the household, the day, or the experience and in return I got no response, diversions and stonewalling, or blaming me. using verbal, logical approaches totally failed.

then i tried new approaches that also failed. for example, after a night when she stayed up hours on her phone then next morning didn't participate in the family routine still hyper focused on her phone not acknowledging anyone, i took her phone, gave a run around, and secretly put it on her dresser. wow did this ever throw her for a loop. every 5min, "where is my phone!!??". then screaming. i send her 2-5 texts a day, half ignored despite her being constantly focused on it when around her family. i did same temporary hide another time week later and that was final straw for her. everybody in the neighborhood and families heard about it, i was abusive, controlling. my attempts to hold her accountable for not staying present in real time failed.

she hates me.

third strategy has had some results: now rather than verbally communicating logistics, lists or feelings, i have been texting them. i text factual things like "today i did 8 loads of laundry before and after work, paid 10 bills, and made the kids dinner and school lunches for tomorrow". or "this weekend i took the 3 kids alone half the time and made 100% of family meals, it has been 12 days since you've made me a meal"

she hates me

but now she is changing her behavior. bigtime. she is making kids school lunches consistently, most days has meal plans, is interested in understanding and taking over her own phone bill (after 10yrs her first and only bill).

only sad thing is that she is rewriting history claiming she has always been how she is acting now. i am so excited and appreciative but when i say so i am told i am condescending.

she hates me and doesn't want me to touch her.

hopefully it gets better from her, cause i can't imagine it getting any icier than this.