victim pose

Does anyone else have an ADHD spouse constantly creating a victim posture for themselves? Is this an ADHD symptom? I have not been able to find info validating whether the behavior is linked to ADHD or not.

Here are some examples from just the last week or so (also me venting):

-my wife has stomach pains every other week where she can't get out of bed (and i am forced late for work, early leave, all housework). Had to bring her to hospital 3am last month, 2 daytime hospital visits this month. 3 doctors appointments in last week...all 5+ doctors CAN NOT FIND ANYTHING WRONG...she repeatedly says that her stomach issues are my fault because I cause her stress, that I make the pain worse because I roll my eyes when she can't get out of bed (again)...she also had 3 c-sections that were my fault (?) and probably related to her illness. i think i believe she is in real pain, that it is probably psycho-somatic, but don't understand why it is my fault?

-it was our 11yr anniversary on a Saturday this week. i took the 3 boys outside adventures until noon. We return, spouse is still in PJs looking at phone. Then she ('body')showers for 1hr. Doesn't mention anniversary, doesn't kiss or hug me. I put 2 gifts and 2 cards out, she doesn't open them, she has gift too. She says to everyone how rested and great she feels and is singing and whistling. late afternoon babysitter is arriving for datenight, and spouse goes into ('hair')shower again! 1hr later still in bathroom. So I go to gym workout and shower there. She is livid I didn't answer phone for 45min and I left without telling her. We meet at restaurant 10blocks from home, she is 30min late "taxi driver got lost" and is acting like an abuse victim, not eye contact. 5 course 2hr meal ends 9pm and i have tickets to a "chick flick" movie. she doesn't want to go "too tired" (slept in till noon, 2 showers). i say coffee "no way ill be awake until midnight", sounds good to me it is our anniversary and we haven't had intimacy for a while, also anniversary is time I get BJ for certain. (last BJ was last anniversary-too long makes me feel she is disgusted by my body)...so she goes home and i got to movie alone, feeling rejected...i get home midnight all the lights are on, excited she is waiting up for me..nope!..she is sleeping with 5yr old in a single bed, 3 queen beds empty throughout the house.....next morning she is all victim, she had a bad sleep. now her excuse for bailing out on anniversary is she was sick again but didn't want to tell me (but not too sick to order $150 worth of dinner and drinks)...i get angry when she want to leave house 9am to run errands and leave me with kids, i say "no thanks, ditched anniversary run your errands another time", she f-bombs me, i take her sunglasses (gift from me) and snap them in half, she says (3rd time in 24hrs) i am abusive and she wants me to leave the house....i don't get why she is a victim?

-after i break her sunglasses she tells me she found an old journal from 10yrs ago that shows i have always abused her emotionally. i ask what does it say? apparently 1st year of marriage i "asked her to get a job"....that is her example of emotional abuse!!! she thinks she is a victim because i ask her to get a job..and i've continued to ask probably a few times a year, most of our marriage, and that is abuse!!?? she says she is unpaid stay at home mother but had full time nanny for 5yrs and now all kids are in school.

blaming, selfish me time, not working, lack of intimacy are all ADHD symptoms, but is constantly being a victim a symptom too? maybe it is a defense mechanism, excuse for selfish behavior?

it is true over the years, (before she was diagnosed with ADHD now 8 months ago) i would call her names like lazy, space cadet, passive aggressive, selfish, neglectful, burn out for burning kitchen again, asshole for forgetting again...now i see they are all symptoms. does name calling/pointing out symptoms make her a victim of abuse? so i am not allowed to say anything when her symptom behavior is impacting my life? cause if i do say anything, she is being emotionally abuse and a victim..