- by: julie jay - 2 months 3 weeks ago It just hit me like a ton of bricks the other day that my hubs really responds to touch...and the lack of as rejection (which we know is an issue with ADHD'ers). Does anyone have any insight, knowledge or experience with the same or similar? I noticed when I do something as little as just touch him arm when I ask him something, and it gets done....it's almost like a miracle. Thanks. julie jay
- by: JJamieson - 2 months 3 weeks ago
This is one of my favorite stories that my therapist told me quite some time ago, that I have recalled countless times to help me see my way through times when I didn't know what to do? It is a story of perspective, and I thought I would share it with everyone because it has been so useful for me to gain some perspective when I really needed it. Without further adieu.....
There once was a man who was lost in the desert and dying of thirst. He had been walking for days in the hot desert sun... and just when he thought that all hope was lost, he spotted an Oasis up ahead and rejoiced at his salvation. He made his way to the Oasis, and as he entered the lush area surrounded by palm trees....he met the inhabitant of this paradise who greeted him with open arms. This was a wealthy Sheik who welcomed him and invited him to dine and partake of anything he desired that was his to share and stay with him as long as he wanted. Seeing the condition of the lost man, he quickly summoned his 3 beautiful daughters who emerged from one of the many tents that spread throughout the area and ordered them to take care of any desire this man requested and to tend to his every need.
The women ushered the man into another tent which had a long banquet table filled with every manner of delicacies and culinary delights that one could imagine. It was a feast to behold and the women said that he could eat to his hearts content. Then after wards, they told him they would provide him with fresh clean clothes and lush downy pillows to lay on and they would tend to all his physical needs as he pleased.
The man was still reeling from his good fortune and the hospitality of his gracious hosts and stood there speechless and praised God for the gifts he was about to receive. However...as the man surveyed the sumptuous banquet before him...he noticed something missing? Amongst the many things that he had been offered and was being provided him by his hosts....the one thing missing was a single drop to drink.
- by: Island-Girl23 - 2 months 4 weeks ago
I'm not saying that anyone else's life or situation is like mine but maybe other people can relate or maybe it will give a new perspective? I don't know. I hope this is helpful. I'm still FAR from perfect and have A LOT of work on but I'm so much happier in my life now so I just wanted to share a bit of my story with you all. I am 25-year-old (F) who has been with my ADHD partner (M) for 10 years.
My hubby and I have been together since we were teens so his messiness, irresponsibility, laziness, etc. etc. pretty much went unnoticed by me or I noticed it but thought it was just funny/not a big deal at that age. But as we got older I, of course, expected more from him. I have to say, though, that as a teen boy my hubby DID make efforts to clean his room whenever I would come over to his house. To me, it wasn't my personal definition of clean but I knew it was clean for HIM and I thought it was really sweet and cute that we would do that for me on his own accord and I liked his room just fine.
Once we moved in together, though, living with a messy person was tough for me. He was a person who kept used dishes around all around his room and even under his bed (too lazy to put his dishes in the sink) while I was a person who is/was obsessed with keeping things clean and smelling nice. I need my environment to look pretty in order for me to be happy. This is a big deal for me!!! I tried everything I could think of to get him to change his messy ways. We talked, we split the chores, (and when that didn't work) we argued, I threatened to leave him a few times over it...
He would usually clean up after we got into big arguments over the mess and he would tell me that he wants to be clean and he wants to have a clean home but it was difficult for him. Every once in a blue moon, he would clean up on his own once the mess got really big, (at this point I wasn't willing to do more than my fair share of the housework) but it wasn't enough for me. I was still unhappy even after he would take out the 4,5,6 bags of trash from the outside hallway and even after he washed the mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink because I knew that it wouldn't be long before there'd be brand new mountains of trash in the hallway, stacks of dishes in the sink, piles of clothes all over the house etc. etc. all over again. I was desperate for CONSISTENCY.
It hurt him a lot that his efforts were not fully appreciated by me. Even though oftentimes I would smile and thank him... there were still this underlying feeling of NOT GOOD ENOUGH and he could feel that even without my saying hurtful/discouraging words. And of course, many times I would still give him an attitude and/or tell him things like: keep it up, don't let it get so messy next time etc. etc. etc. (i.e lecture, complain, nag)
I had to go through a lot of embarrassment along the way as well....flies in the hallway because of the trash, not wanting anyone to come over to see the mess - at one point my mom and sister came knocking on my door and they could tell that we were home but I just tried to play it off and I tried to make it seem like nobody was home because I was too ashamed to answer the door. I knew they would just barge right in as soon as I turned the knob. If I knew they were coming ( I lived a little over an hour away from them) I CERTAINLY would have cleaned everything but it was a surprise visit. My mom actually got so scared that I didn't answer the door that she went to the police station in tears worried sick about me! OMG! That was a very very bad decision on my part I felt so bad about that.
Eventually, I decided that If I wanted to have a clean home I would have to do it myself. So, many times, I did everything and instead of building mountains of trash together...
I didn't realize it at the time but I defiantly thought that (and I was acting like) Miss Clean Girl (me) was better than Mister Messy Boy (him), and he either needed help from my BRILLIANT-BEYOND-BRILLIANT AMAZING SELF or he just needed to figure it out and get his MESSY LAZY SELF together. (OMFG RUDE MUCH???)
It took me years to realize that I was thinking and acting this way. I had to realize that being a messy person is not a crime. Tidy people are not better than messier people. If I want to be with him and live with him, I cannot be with him thinking about "I'll be happy with him when he changes." I realized that if I could not be happy with him the way he is RIGHT NOW and if could not accept and appreciate him the way he is RIGHT NOW then we probably shouldn't be together. I always thought that if he loved me he would do something so "SIMPLE" as to clean up after himself (even if it was hard for him) and he wouldn't force me to do all the work either....I thought I was asking for something so simple and reasonable, but I didn't think so much about his perspective through all my efforts to "help" him. I was really thinking about me and what I wanted and how I felt - which is OKAY but it's not okay to ONLY think about myself or to MOSTLY think about myself or to pretty much dismiss his side of the story.
He deserves someone who will be happy with him regardless. He should not be with someone who would make him consistently feel NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Even if he wanted to be with me while I made him feel so bad about being messy/irresponsible -
I wanted for us both to feel happy, loved, cherished, accepted, appreciated...I wanted us both to feel like a CATCH. I wanted us to feel MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH. I wanted for us both to feel as though anyone would be lucky to have one of us as their lover/partner/friend etc. And I wanted us both to feel that way about one another. We both said horrible things to one another, we both made huge mistakes, we both treated each other like dirt so many times.
(All of this drama might seem quite dramatic over someone being "messy" but as I'm sure many of you all can imagine, this "messiness" and my taking on more than my fair share of the work didn't only come with household chores. His work life was messy, his finances were messy, we had children at a young age as well and I felt that I did most of the work there too unless I wanted to argue and "force" him to do his part. Everything I am saying about the messy of the house applies across the board if that makes sense. The trouble between us just STARTED from the messy house and grew from there in my eyes.)
So I thought what should we do? I can only be responsible for myself and I cannot use him and his lifestyle choices as an excuse to be rude, mean, disrespectful etc. etc. etc. I can't expect him to change for me and I realized that I didn't even want him to change for me or for my happiness. I wanted for him to be happy with himself. And changes he did make, I wanted for him to change on his own time and at his own pace for himself as he saw fit. I realized that I didn't even want him to change at all. I just wanted him to be himself and give him room to GROW into the person that HE aims to be.
I had to realize that he was genuine when he told me his wants - "I want to be more responsible. I want to be clean. I want to be an amazing father. etc. etc. etc." <-- If this WASN'T the case, if he really didn't care about these sorts of things I couldn't be with him. If I honestly FELT like he didn't care about any of these things I had NO BUSINESS being with him. I made it seem like and I made him feel like HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY WANT THOSE THINGS. Huge mistake on my part. I had to realize that his wants were REAL and TRUE and I had to treat him accordingly. I had to realize that his ADHD and the stress/pressure that I put him under in his life made it SO MUCH MORE DIFFICULT FOR HIM to achieve his goals. I was actually harming and not helping.
I no longer wanted to be a person who made his life harder. I didn't want him to feel like a bad person or make him feel as if he and his efforts were not good enough for me. Those were never my intentions. I really thought that I was helping. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was just doing it in the wrong way. I honestly thought that if I repeated myself enough times, or found just the right words and explained it in just the right way, if I "helped him" enough, a magical change would happen (WRONG!). But even my "talking nicely to him", making "plans with him" and all my other brilliant ideas didn't work and it didn't help. Without meaning to, I made it seem as if I was the good one and he was the bad one. I made it seem as if I was the helper and he's was the unappreciative jerk who needed more help that I could give...I felt like my heart was in the right place but I was VERY WRONG. I'm not a religious person but as the saying goes:
DAMN! I felt like a hideous monster at this point. By basically painting him out to be a horrible monster I actually made a monster out of MYSELF. My goodness! At this point, I couldn't even understand why he stayed with me all this time. I felt that I had so MUCH more growing to do as a person than he did. I realized that he is the person who was actually teaching and INSPIRING ME to be a better person. He did this by being HIMSELF not by FORCING ME or by trying to get me to change or having "nice little talks with me". I mean, he did try to defend himself many times (in NOT NICE WAYS) and called me out on my bad behavior - but I wasn't hearing it because I justified my hurtful words and cruel behavior by blaming it on his "poor" choices and lack of action that caused me so much pain, frustration, and hardship.
Then I thought well, WHAT SHOULD I DO THEN? I realize that he is his own person, he is an adult, he has a good heart, he has good intentions, he loves me, he loves his family, he has the right to make his own choices, he deserves to feel good about himself, he deserves to not feel judged by his partner, he deserves love, happiness and respect. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I wanted to feel SECURE in my life (financially and with our children), I wanted to have a clean home and to keep a certain standard of living, I wanted to be with someone who was there for me emotionally and physically, I wanted to share my life with someone and have FUN with them. I felt so much stress and pressure to do everything and to be everything to everyone that I couldn't have fun anymore...I lost myself. I wanted to be HAPPY and to feel good TOO. I am IMPORTANT TOO!!!
This is the story of the start of MY OWN personal breakthrough. The first steps were realizing MY OWN PERSONAL MISTAKES. Recognizing the love of my life as THE PERSON HE IS and not as the person that I painted him out to be just because he wasn't doing WHAT I PERSONALLY WANTED him to do or what I personally thought he SHOULD be doing. This is the beginning of me recognizing that we are BOTH good people with FLAWS who deserve LOVE, HAPPINESS, SECURITY, and RESPECT! And that's all we were both really looking for - not just me - both of us. Duh! c:
In a new post, I will write about the changes that I have made in myself that have helped to create a better relationship and better environment for my hubby and me to grow in our relationship!
- by: Sunic - 2 months 4 weeks ago
I have been reading the book The ADHD effect on Marriage and it assumes one partner is not ADHD. What are the specific challenges of both partners being ADD? I can see my husband and I in both of the roles but in different areas. I am very unorganized and can't seem to be organized while he is extremely organized. I don't have a need to escape or have problems with time but he does. I have felt the sting of being seemingly ignored and wanting to be cherished and accepted. He has also felt that he isn't accepted. Clutter distracts him. Noise distracts me. I have no problem with some clutter and often have a hard time finding homes for things. Any advice for when you both have it? We have been picking at each others weaknesses for twenty years and are on the brink of divorce. I didn't see that we both struggle with the same thing just in different ways till reading this book. I didn't know I even had ADD until recently. He has only known about six years. Thank you for any advice.
- by: dedelight4 - 3 months 2 days ago
Hey guys, I found an incredible article written by a man who ended up divorced, but it's SUCH an incredible article. It's written by a guy (writer) about why he believes he and his wife ended up divorced. But, it also applies to wives as well. I wish every guy/girl could read this before getting married. (ADHD or not)
I don't have the web address, but just type in the title of the article: "An Open Letter To Shitty Husbands"
It's written in 12 parts, and each one is very well written. (pardon the language of the article, it's what HE wrote)
- by: Holding onto Myself - 3 months 2 days ago
I have been married to my partner for about 10 years. When we started dating, he was the only guy I felt stood by me while I dealt with my own childhood issues in therapy. I never felt less than because of him. About 14 years onward I find that what I first saw as acceptance was really a failure to truly understand me at all. My partner will occasionally ask me about my day, but he never comments on anything other than to say "OK" or "I'm sorry" if it was bad. If I have a question about my career, and I am looking for my partner to provide perspective as he should know me better than anyone, he says, "I don't know." When I was diagnosed with a permanent condition that explained years of pain and physical limitations and will only worsen as time passes, he did not look it up at all nor ask me about it. A week after diagnosis, I asked him what he thought and he said, "I don't know, I don't know anything about it." It's been two months and he still has not looked into it. All of these answers are followed by my partner looking back at his phone or computer and being done with the conversation. Later, he told me that what I have is not a big deal as lots of people have things and "why is everything medical with you?" Please note I am a very fit, slender person who was struggling a long time with no support emotionally or physically from my partner with regard to my pain or fears. For me, the diagnosis was almost a relief as I finally knew what was wrong and I could do my best to improve what I can. As my job was worsening my pain and symptoms, I had to quit. My partner told me in a very nasty tone that I should sell my car because we need money. I thought that was a little short sighted as I have always been employable to a good degree, and I figured it would just be a matter of months at most before I have a new job that is better for my health, which has improved drastically since I quite my job and been working with my provider on therapy and diet.
My partner is undiagnosed and heretofore I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt and have been working on improving myself for years, but these recent experiences suggest to me that although I invest a lot of time supporting my partner's career when he asks for help, which can be multiple times a day, I do not receive equal care and concern. I wanted to believe this was ADHD and ask him to please please consider therapy (he is adamant that counselors and psychiatrists are all crazy themselves, including marital therapists). My counselor, who has known him since we were dating, says it's not ADHD but selfishness that causes him to do what he does. The long history I've had with him suggests he is 5-10% adaptable, but without him improving awareness of how his defensiveness and actions hurt me--and without a solid marital counseling plan--I just dont' have any other tools left in my box to try. I still love him, as I am very forgiving. We have young children and I am aching at the thought of hurting them should their parents no longer be together. How does one know the answer? I sure don't want to be 80 and have my condition be worse with someone who rarely apologizes, attacks me when he's too busy to talk to me, and has never once hugged me or massaged by back of his own volition except perhaps to try for sex.
I went to a support group meeting for ADHD, and I was surrounded by individuals with ADHD who were there to better understand themselves and be successful. My husband would never consider this for a second. Something must have happened long before we were married that made him so protective of himself that he's always saying there is nothing wrong with him, when I am only trying to get my needs met. He makes it about him and pushes me away.
- by: hanchar - 3 months 4 days ago
Apologies for the lengthy diatribe but this is 25 years worth... My husband and I have been together for a long time... 25 years (married for 11) but for almost all of that time I have felt frustrated and let down by him in so many ways. On the outside he's a nice guy... gentle, funny, easy going, never mean or argumentative with other people etc. but even when I first met him he was sort of in his own little world, obsessed with cars, a bit OCD - always cleaning certain things - wiping down kitchen cupboards or polishing the car to within an inch of its life - but oblivious to other things like clean sheets, clean bathroom, dishes in the sink, decent furniture etc etc. He was also always late and had a reputation for tardiness with his friends. He was the laughing stock and thought of as a bit of a hopeless case but we were young and he was cute and so I fell for him. He was also a talented graphic designer (loves details) and had a good job so I figured all would be well. Back then he was affectionate, even tempered (unless I pushed him out of his comfort zone or tried to get between him and his cars), kind and even generous in the beginning but he was also thoughtless, forgetful, disorganised, late, and would never call. He was dismissive of my feelings at times but very apologetic at others and constantly promised to try harder but rarely followed through. It was like he wanted to be the man I needed him to be but he didn’t know how. It caused a lot of fights when we were young, but we were young and I thought he just needed to “grow up” so I waited and nagged and sucked it up and surrounded ourselves with friends and activities and work, and life went on. Over the years, I have tried to accept his rituals, obsessions, lack of “class” or romance, forgetfulness, disconnection etc and sort of grew into becoming his pseudo mother but it has destroyed me. I slowly took on more and more responsibilities and have pretty much always been the driver in our life - prompting and organising everything from social outings to purchasing of property, furniture, equipment, holidays, marriage, children and most recently a new business, while he has been the passenger. His own mother was mentally ill and his father left when he was very young so I have always felt very sorry for him as he had a tough upbringing and I thought his self centredness and need to keep his world focussed was all due to this. Fast forward 25 years and I am BURNT OUT… We now have two children, a mortgage, two businesses ( I have my own and I help him with his as I always feel like it’s going to fall in a hole if I don’t) and I feel like I doing more than ever before. He is a good, fun dad to the kids and he works hard (although not very efficiently) but he’s completely disconnected from me – even though he doesn’t think so. Oh, he’s still affectionate (except that I don’t let him near me) and tries to crack jokes (which are not funny to me any more) and likes to get take away food and a movie at 9pm at night (after he comes home 3 hours late with no phone call), but he is mostly oblivious to my feelings and remains in his own little world where mummy here looks after everything. He is not a mean person and I honestly don’t think he does things maliciously but there have been so many incidences where he has let me down (not doing the one thing I asked him to do on our wedding day, spending the day after I gave birth looking for a new car instead of visiting me in hospital, watching the TV in hospital and eating my hospital dinner because I was so distraught about our new born’s health, poking fun at my anxiety about our daughter’s illness, secretly sending $2000 to buy a go-kart when we were struggling to stay afloat, buying a new motorbike without telling me, forgetting Mothers days, anniversaries, birthdays etc, rarely organising date night (despite repeated hints, promises, meltdowns), taking no interest in Christmas presents for the kids or his family, never organising family outings, taking no interest in kids’ education, sporting pursuits etc,, leaving renovation to me, leaving all bills, tax, cooking, social events, shopping, etc etc to me) that I feel like there is a black pit of anger and resentment that I just can’t get over it. We had another “talk” about it last week when he came home 3 hours late after telling me he'd be 20 minutes and I gave him an ultimatum (again) and then the benefit of the doubt (again) because he was upset, sorry, down trodden and confused but two days later he let me down again in a big way and that was the final straw. I suddenly realised that he will NEVER EVER change and I feel like leaving but I am trapped. So at the moment I am punishing him again by being mean and silent with him and that is just killing all of us. I thought he might have Asperger’s but perhaps it is ADHD. What should I do? Where do I begin?
- by: ma2boys - 3 months 5 days ago
New to this forum. Married for 25 years and am now reaching the end of my tether. Over the years alcohol, over the counter meds, caffeine, nicotine, prostitutes, online porn, sexting sites, snorting adhd meds....you get the picture. Can't forget lost jobs, suicidal threats etc. This all from a well meaning, generous and warm hearted man. I am tired. Tired of the tears over the years. Tired of waiting for the sky to fall around our family. Tired of being the "responsible" adult in this relationship. Ironically I am now in counselling myself to see if there is any part of me that wants to live the rest of what years I have left with this man. I don't want to be the bad guy and it seems like a cop out to just blame his ADHD because that doesn't change the self destructive patterns he has well established and blamed on his boredom, lack of sex in our relationship, that he's an "all or nothing guy". I am interested in hearing from those dealing with these types of issues, how you overcame or if you just cut your losses and left. We have two older sons (also diagnosed) so this is NOT just about me.
- by: pitypotpie - 3 months 6 days ago
My spouse seems to hae two different realities. The first is the one he lives in when everything is calm and he can genuinely see how other people are helping him, and he pitches in to help other people. He was recently diagnosed with very high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes, and he told me how happy and grateful he was for the whole family changing our diets (we dont need junk food anyway. Its good for all of us and ive already lost 9 lbs! Yay!) and for being supportive but not making a Huge Stinkin' Deal about his conditions. Hes pretty sensitive about them and while he does need certain accomodations, he doesnt want to be fussed over or pitied. I learned to cook some fantastic meals and have put a lot of effort into making this seem like great food rather than a boring old medical diet. Friends, that felt awesome. A lot of things i do tend to go unnoticed so to be prasied without prompting felt great.
The second reality... hoo boy, its Opposite Land. This reality showed up not even half an hour after the first example. He stated that blood sugar spikes and dips can cause mood swings, and he hoped that he could be less irritable. I said that he had been irritable lately and i hopes that he could get that under control too. He instantly lashed out, told me that he probably wouldnt be irritable if i wasnt so awful to him and told me that since i do "f--- all" for him, i deserved it. Then he huffed off and went to bed.
I couldnt help but laugh. (Not out loud, not AT him but at the situation). So much for getting irritability and mood swings under control.
I dont see how he couldn't have managed without me, while im also awful and have never done anything for him. I think he needs a serious time out to cool his jets.
How do the rest of you deal with this back and forth, hair triggered flip-flopping? One monute youre great, the next youre literally the devil himself, then youre great again.... and theres no way to tell what phase youre in. Gah.
- by: SilentlyStressed - 3 months 1 week ago
How do you all cope with the Mess - the unfinished 'projects' laying around the entire house - the clutter, my dear god, the clutter!!!
I've been reading through the forums a lot these past few days and I'm just trying to see how I can possibly move forward and make some sort of progress with the state of our house.
My Spouse (F) and Myself (F) have been married for just over a year - having never lived together previously - and I'm just at my wits end with the mess. I've always been a tidy-ish person, not to the extreme but I've always kept things to a minimum - no clutter and always able to actually SEE all the surfaces in the house lol.
It's at the point now where I just do not know what to do - I'm literally overwhelmed with clutter & mess and don't even know where to begin with it - DW has made it clear that she doesn't want me to sort through anything and throw it away without her being there - but I just KNOW that if she is here when I do it then nothing will change - things will just be 'moved' to another area - only then for 'new mess' to creep in and replace the old!
Our garage, outside work shed and office are all so messy that you can barely walk anywhere in them without tripping and breaking your neck - despite promises to get them organized it just never happens!
I just want to go round the entire place with trash bags and throw everything that we don't need/use away but this caused a HUGE argument!
How the hell do you all deal with this? My teenage kids have become like slaves too - Wife insists they don't have enough 'responsibilities' around the home (they definitely do) and this has also caused heated debates in the past - I don't think that they should have to take responsibility for the things that DW can't be bothered to do! For example - DW wanted chickens - we got chickens - novelty has now worn off and it has somehow now become the kids' 'responsibility' to feed/water/clean them....
Same when DW cooks dinner - OMG there was a pan left in the kitchen sink for 5 days!!! Eventually I caved and had to do something about it - but if I cook dinner then I have to clean up my mess too - which is fine with me but I take issue with cleaning up after DW. There has also been WAX melted onto our kitchen floor for 3 MONTHS - from a bout of candle making - promises to sort it out but never does - I just don't want to become an 'enabler' and run around picking up her mess - I don't think that's going to be helpful to anyone.
TL:DR - Wife is messy, won't do anything at all about it and I'm having a silent breakdown because I can no longer cope with it - but refuse to be an enabler and clean/tidy up after up constantly.
Sorry for the rant - think I just needed to get it out without there being an arguement lol.