Recent Topics

  • by: ADH9er - 2 months 3 weeks ago


        That is what I hope for.  Alas, the ADHD Community, or should I say Assembly, seemingly contains many individuals who (we), reside in, and feel safest in, our own personal protective universes.   
         Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the rewards this site has rendered to my DW for nearly 6 years, and the Comrades she is able to relate to on deeply painful and personal levels.
         I just find it draining to be the sole participant, (here on this forum), in actively making an effort to communicate with my spouse and find answers, while being barraged with TMO.(too many opinions) for me to reasonably, coherently navigate.
         It is not clear to me as to why there are so few of (in my case), the male counterparts, who were *blessed/cursed* with the Titled neurology, to come forward and speak their hearts.  (Aside from the fact that Our breed has had plenty enough disapproval to date, to last to Eternity).
         Surely for every spouse holding the title ‘Non-ADHD’, there is at least one current or former ‘help-mate’ as counterpart. Surely we have a stake in this ‘dang-blasted’ EFFECT ! .Surely our stories are valid and worthy of being told, and more importantly being empathetically received.
        If you are out there, and decide to jump-on-in, I will admit resisting the ‘fight-or-flight  reflex is, well let's just say it takes a lot more out of you than you knew you had. While on the other-hand, and at the same time, (for me anyway), I have embarked on sobering journey learning how my Ferrari Brain w/ bicycle brakes can be all over the road, .......and ever so slowly…….. Trying to master, how to ‘feather the controls’.
          So ‘come-on-in’. I can't guaranty a you won't get nicked up, but along with the Jelly-fish,Sharks & Reefs, there is a lot more under the surface. 

    In Anticipation of ‘like’ kinship.
         ADH9er

    P.S.   If your gonna stick your toe in, cover your whole leg with ‘chain-mail’ (armor).

        

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I refuse to make a tally list of poor behaviors.  

    I freely choose to put my life out in the public eye in this open forum, where comments, both positive and negative, both agreeing and non-agreeing, are written.

    I know I am free to take what I need, and leave the rest.  I no longer feel condemned by other's views, and when it is needed, I do get convicted of behaviors and things I need to change.  

    Indeed in life, I have learned that it's usually my own expectations that cause me the biggest disappointments.  I do not have a clear list of what is the usual and customary expectation in a loving, balanced marriage, and what is above and beyond, in essence  setting myself up for defeat.  Some things are very clear.  Some are misunderstandings, and can be worked through.  

    Let me start out this with a very fictional story.  

         Tucked in the corner of the office at a large corporation, is a huge, giant, massive  (it is big!) area for meditation.  It has a water fall running down a rock wall,  where the water follows a stream to an indoor pond.  The pond contains many,many goldfish.  Sometimes people enjoying the sounds of the water.  Sometimes people let their fingers run through the water fall.  It feels so nice, and cool, and has a very relaxing effect on them.

         One day, there is a dead fish floating in the pond.  It is scooped out, and no one thinks much of it.  A few days later there is another dead fish.  Hmm.  Interesting. The water is clear.  The filters are fine.  No one is "poisoning the water hole" by tossing in litter.  

         The fish continue to die.

         The water's PH level is tested. It is fine.  The temperature is monitored.  It is at its optimum.  Yet the fish are continually dying.

         The oxygen level is tested.  It is fine.  Yet the fish are continually dying.

         A complete battery of tests are done to the water.  An unknown substance is discovered.  The water source is tested.  Not from there.  The cleaning tools are tested.  Not from there.  The food storage bins are tested.  Not from there.  

         A complete battery of tests are done on the next fish that dies.  That unknown substance is found to be coating its gills, which caused the inability to get oxygen through its gills, and it apparently died from lack of oxygen.

        A complete test is done on the substance, and it is determined to be sunflower seed oil.  How in the world does the indoor fish pond get contaminated wth sunflower seed oil? The food is retested.  There are no sunflowers in the feed.  No sunflower oil is used in its manufacturing.   

         Further research is done.  It is discovered that sunflower seed oil is contained in many types of  skin creams.  

         People are shocked and dismayed to learn that while they were enjoying the feel of the cool water running over their fingers,they were inadvertently poisoning the water, making it unsustainable for the fish.

         Now, a solution must be chosen: 

    • 1.  Remove the fish so people can enjoy the water streaming over their hands.
    • 2.  Ask people to not put their hands in the waterfall if they have used any skin products.  
    • 3.  Get rid of the fish pond, and play soothing music. 

    The point in this story as it compares to me life - we had no clue that my spouse was ADHD.  We had no clue that the typical symptoms were causing problems in our communication.  Now we know.  We have a clear documented diagnosis.  Some things are part and parcel to ADHD.  There are tools/techniques/behavior modifications that can be adopted to improve how being ADHD affects my spouse's day, and trickles down to effect our life together.  

    I can be understanding, and realize that things are not done on purpose, and learn to be a bit more flexible.  However, I do not choose to put ADHD at the top of every minute of everyday and have all our lives revolve around the symptoms.  I do not choose to ignore the effect chronic anger has on my day to day living.   MY expectation is that my spouse learn to get his anger in check, take responsibility for it, AND apologize when it hurts/harms/disrupts me and/or our family.  AND that can only be done if my spouse finds a way to be willing to LISTEN to his spouse who loves him dearly, and TRUST she is looking out for his best interest by indicating when the symptoms are causing problems.  

    We cannot make it go away.  Any more than our dear niece can ignore her diabetes and refuse to monitor her sugar levels and will simple not self inject her body with insulin.  It is what it is.  She has diabetes.  Your brain is wired ADHD.  If you continue to choose to feel damned by it, poisoned by it, cursed by it, we cannot move ahead as a couple.

    That weight is upon your shoulders.  Will you do it?  I believe you can.  I want to support you.  I want to be your help-mate.  I want to try to learn to be closer to you.

    With things as they stand right now, today, I am unable to make that choice.  I am afraid to try again without some way of measuring the result of the hard work as it pertains to me.    

    I do not intend to sound harsh.  I intend to show determination.  Right now, that consists of having boundaries to protect my own well mental being.

    With sincerity to all members here,

    And with Love to Tom,

    Liz

     

        

     

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  • by: jsmith77 - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    My husband has untreated ADD, and we are newly married. When we were dating he joked about his lifetime of ADD and I didn't think much of it, not knowing much about it. Now I see how while we were dating he was hyper focused on romancing me. Which of course won me over. He was over the top good to me, almost being pushy. He actually says he steam-rolled me into marrying him. Ha. 

     

    However, now we're approx 8 months into our marriage and I am losing hope at how to deal w his micro analyzing every detail about our relationship. In the beginning if I even mentioned my ex fiancé in discussing past relationships, he became obsessed with if I still loved him. Made me go through all my jewelry and toss expensive pieces he had given me, insisting I was holding onto it cause I still loved him. Then I couldn't even mention speaking to my ex husband about our children, without him making snide comments that I wish I was still married to him. I had to ditch every male friend I had cause he thought there was more to it. I can't talk about men at work cause he asks if I think about having sex with them. And the latest is, I don't want to have sex whenever he wants to, cause I just don't want him. Even though he knows I'm more of a every 2-3 days kind of girl. When he is in his obsessive zone, no matter my tears or pleads he doesn't listen. Then when he has several days of self reflection he recognizes that he over thinks things too much and asks for forgiveness. He has been in talks with his doctor, taking different anti-anxiety drugs. So far, the SSRI's work best, but not completely and the side effects cause him to quit them. 

     

    Im at a loss. I hope someone can give some assurance, guidance, and let me know I am not alone. Is this typical of ADD or not?

  • by: Redhead5 - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    I haven't been on here much but I'm just seeing if anyone might be in a similar boat. I figured out my husband had ADHD and he was diagnosed almost a year ago. He was put on Vyvanse which helped him a lot. He can stay awake and alert and control his focus better now. But it didn't fix everything. The work I kept trying to put into our communication wasn't making a dent. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn't understanding a bit of my feelings or how to listen or able to meet my emotional needs. I was feeling more and more stressed at our interactions and his inability to figure things out.

    I finally found an ADHD counselor but he was odd himself and just ended up talking about himself a lot. In one of the rare moments when he did listen, he said the words that changed everything for me. He said what was going on with my husband was Aspergers. This hit me like a ton of bricks. It's not something you just mention and move on from. That was our last appointment with that counselor. But then I asked my husband what he thought and he acknowledged he does have similar traits. We knew a bit of it from a couple of books he read where he finally related to the characters(Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night and The Rosie Project). And we had talked about it a bit as he's been honest about his difficulties but I just couldn't believe he had it. Until this time. I researched the heck out of AS marriages and my life was finally explained. My husband was finally explained. We found out in April and have now found an AS counselor who's a godsend. I grieved and cried and grieved some more for a few months but I'm finally coming to the side of acceptance now. His ADHD makes life difficult with remembering things and schedules and timing but his AS intensifies that and everything else. It's hard but it makes sense. The most healing part is I now know I am not crazy. I have a ways to go to get back to a healthy me but at least I see the possibility now. I have the help now. I have the answer now. 

    I will never have the marriage I wanted. I'm glad I know for certain and can learn to accept that. I will be hurt by lots of things but at least I know what is hurting me now. We have a long road to a healthy marriage but it's slowly improving finally now. Every month I can actually see progress and it's a glorious thing! 

    Has anyone else discovered their ADHD husband also has AS?

  • by: Mr W - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    This is my first post here.

    My wife was diagnosed with ADHD less than a year ago. At first I wasn't too convinced. Over the years it has been different things, depression, PTSD, BPD, etc... When we married 10 years ago I only knew a little bit about this. She briefly described some of her previous problems, but I was lost in the daze of love and didn't dive deeper. After reading the ADHD Effect, and other books on ADHD, I am sure this is it.

    To give the whole back story would take pages. Lets just say there has been problems with me and with her. We are far from perfect. We have two kids, 5 and 7, and live in a nice house. You would think that everything looks great. However, I am always stressed out of my mind about bills, lack of her attention/desire, and my wife's inability to communicate with me about important things.

    I'm in the military and currently deployed. This isn't the first, its the sixth. Every time I deploy we have the same arguments. I feel that she doesn't communicate enough and she says she is too busy. I know it is very hard to take care of kids on your own, even more so with ADHD. We've hired au pairs, her parents moved closer, we have baby sitters, she is always too busy. She always finds work, in the beginning it was volunteer work and now its her job. She commits everything to it as long as it is interesting to her. I email, send a chat, or call when I can ... almost everyday. I've waited almost a week for her to respond. I wonder if I am too needy, if I am asking too much, or if I have unrealistic expectations. I don't know. I don't want to base my relationship off the guys around me, but it seems like their wives are doing a lot more in this department. I feel lonely and unloved. I send flowers, I get a brief message back. I send romantic emails and she doesn't read them for days. My last deployment I send a love letter once a week. She didn't open half of them until almost a year later.

    I've asked for photos of the kids and updates on school. I think she has sent me pictures about once a month and a few times twice. My son had a birthday party with just her parents. I didn't find out about it until the next day when I saw the pictures on my mother-in-law's Facebook. When I asked why she didn't take pictures and send me them, I was told to stop complaining and I wasn't missing anything. I've missed a lot due to military deployments. Pictures and video would go a long way.

    Recently what has concerned me is her spending. Over the past six months she has made three major purchases without talking to me in advance. I found out she paid for her braces, about $5,000, after I saw the bill. I didn't even know that she wanted to do it. Recently she told me she invested in a local business for almost $7,000. This was after she spent the money. When I asked where it came from, knowing it was out on a credit card, she tells me not to worry and that it will be paid back once she gets her paycheck. Then she gets very defensive and asks why I am keeping tabs on her. Its been weeks and I still haven't seen it paid back. This weekend she is going to a work conference. The whole thing is almost $4,000. I know she paid for a first class ticket. We can't afford these things. The only reason I know the cost of this recent trip is because I read her email. She never told me about how much it would cost. I feel bad for looking, but the spending will effect me as well. I also saw an email about a loan, so she is taking out money for her business too. Her job isn't going well and I know she is dumping a lot into it, she just hides it from me.

    It is hard to manage bills while I am away, so she does most of it. I'm not sure what to do. I will be home in about 45 days. I want to work this out now, but maybe that is too much. I can't sleep well and I am having a hard time focusing on work when I need to. I want to talk to anyone, but most of all my wife. The last two times I've called she doesn't answer.

    I have another 9 years until I can retire. That means more time away and I can't keep going through this cycle. I bought the book on kindle so she can read it too. I've asked her to take a look at it because it also focuses on the hardships of the non-adhd partner. I can't fix her I can only work on myself. Its just hard when her actions effect me so much.

  • by: dvance - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    Okay friends--advice/suggestions/support/help needed.  This weekend DH wants to go apple picking in Wisconsin, which is only an hour away from us.  We used to go when the boys were little, they are now 15 and 17.  I get car sick which no one enjoys.  DH has only two modes--super jokey and sarcastic or sullen.  It costs $20 for each of us and he told the 17 YO he could bring his girlfriend, who I adore, but that's another $20 AND he told everyone we could also stop at the outlets.  Where he thinks all this money is coming from is a mystery to me--he also just bought a car over the weekend and where we had NO car payments for the past 8 months now we have a $323 car payment which is more than we budgeted for.  He set out to stick to a $250 budget but alas there was nothing in that price range (I don't believe him, but too late now).  He has worked about a million hours in the past two days and no end in sight so he is likely to be exhausted by Saturday.  I have worked 11 hours 2 days in a row and have a third day of that tomorrow, so I am pretty much sick of the human race too.  All of this sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me.  In all honesty I would rather not go.  I would rather he take the kids and me stay home but we are supposed to be doing more family things.  He and I have virtually nothing to talk about so the car ride is likely to be the oldest and his girlfriend being goofy, the 15 YO being sullen because that is his MO lately and DH being sarcastic and tease-y with everyone.  I hate the weird dynamic between DH and the oldest and nothing I do or say helps--we have discussed it ad nauseam in marriage therapy too and it just isn't getting through.  I wish DH could just have normal conversations/interactions but he can't.  Examples: the oldest and his girlfriend are walking in front of us holding hands--normally mind you--and DH will barge in between them and break their hands apart.  Why??  Or DH will continually bump into the 15 YO on purpose and pretty soon they look like a freaking circus.  Again, why?  I am tired of being looked at everywhere we go--we do not have toddlers any more, we should be able to go places just normally.  So the car ride is an issue for me, the weird interactions between DH and the boys is an issue for me and the money is an issue for me.  Should I opt out and say I have too much school work to do or that I don't want to be car sick?  Another option is to take two cars, which sounds dumb but I can say it's because of my car sickness.  When the 17 YO was in rehab 90 minutes away we took two cars every time we visited not only because I get car sick but because car rides with DH are so unpleasant.  I would rather drive alone.  But how weird does that look to the girlfriend?  Or should I not care what she thinks?  It will make DH's car less crowded if I drive myself and then I don't have to listen to the ridiculousness.  The youngest is likely to drive with me too because he and I listen to books on CD and DH won't.  Thoughts?   Even as I type this I can see I have to be more firm and just put my foot down about some things or this day is going to suck for all of us for different reasons.  I think I will take my own car and say we cannot stop at the outlets because the $100 for apple picking is enough.  Just those two things would make me calmer.  I was actually going to email my doc for a xanax scrip to take with me.  How sad is that--take drugs to make it possible to deal with your family.  Okay--I am rambling--any thoughts or alternate plans would be appreciated.

    thanks

    dvance

  • by: Zapp10 - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    My H is on wellbutrin. I am curious if it is possible that the med lessens his anxiety with the adhd.......and therefore causes him to think he is improving in adhd issues? He is noticeably less anxious and irritable BUT I believe he needs to take advantage of this "help" and address "effects" of the adhd on himself and others. I say NOTHING about what he needs to do as he has NOT fully accepted that (adhd) is a big deal in our marriage (this messenger has been shot once and for all). The fact that he "feels" better is great......but my experience is...he feels better in the midst of adhd so everything is fine.......am I making any sense?

  • by: Needs Help - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    3 years ago my husband was on Adderall for adhd. He was was have outbursts of anger. He told his Dr and he was put on meds for anger. We eventually split up over it. The day after we split up he got charged with a criminal case due to his anger. After the Dr found out he was in trouble he dropped him. My question is, has anyone had a situation like this? 

  • by: DependentOrigination - 2 months 3 weeks ago

    Thank you. I am so thankful. I love my husband of 3 years deeply, passionately. He is a good man (at times) and a good husband (at times). If I need something done, I point him in the direction and it gets done. He is generous. He is kind. He is thoughtful (at times). 

    From the beginning of our marriage, there were always good days and bad days. I had a lot of bad things happen to me in a short period of time along with some massive life changes. It completely destroyed my ability to function in a healthy manner. I always had 2 good days then a bad one, then 3 good days, and then a bad one, and then 7 good days and three bad ones, and then more bad ones than good of late. I felt out of control, because I was out of control. I read all these things, blogs, books, went to counseling, but none of it really helped. I would lose my shit after 8 to 10 boundary violations and would decompensate for a day or two, and then recover. I was looking at the wrong things, and I was mourning. Mourning the loss of a dream of a traditional family and stability for my 16 year old daughter who I raised on my own. 

    My husband is away at a conference this weekend (8 or 9th conference of the year and it's only September) and I had a revelation. I figured it out. My husband has ADD. I called his mom to ask, and she suspects as well (they are estranged, his father sexually assaulted his daughter and his mom didn't believe the daughter and my husband will never forgive her). I read the websites, I read people's comments and it was my whole life for the last year being played before me. The best was the information about ways a spouse with ADD might feel or be, they described me to a "T". 

    My life had been terrible at times, horrifying, a nightmare. I was so exhausted from trying to keep up with him and keep a relationship with him, that my life began to fall apart. Last May, I drew a line in the sand. I cut him out of my life for a week so that I could take some control of my own life. I was explicit in my expectations and boundaries. No phone calls, no contact, no emails, no Facebook posts, no questions through other people. I want a week to myself. A week with friends. A week with calm and happiness. A week where I could know who I was and what I wanted. I had given up so much of my life so I could have some kind of relationship, squeezed in the last five minutes a day, an hour somewhere in passing, a weekend a month. I worked so hard to have a relationship with him, I basically had no life of my own.

    I have been a disaster. I have been angry. I have lost my mind. I have screamed until I have lost my voice in fear, in anger, in loss of control, in not understanding. I have thrown things. I have hid things. I have been bitter, I have been petty, and I couldn't help it. It wasn't my fault. I am terrified of this revelation, of this diagnosis, but I can still hope. I can depersonalize some of his behaviors and when we are in a good space, I can approach him about diagnosis and treatment. I want a good life again. I want to enjoy the time I have with him. I want to not be angry when I am with him and miss him when he is gone. I want to hold a winning hand. Actually, I want us both to win. I want to hope. 

    I am learning to look after myself. I am learning how to ask for what I need, without anger. Communicate directly. Speak clearly. Set boundaries. Not with anger, but with surety. I am learning that I need to limit my exposure to my husband at times and lovingly detach. So that I can lovingly attach when it is time and he is present.

    It is amazing to me, how happy I am to know that my responses and behaviors are common responses for a spouse of a person with ADD. And now my job is to be healthy. To be happy. To enjoy my life. To learn to manage my anxiety. And help him occasionally, but not save him from himself. 

    Just now I got off the phone from having a conversation with him. His conference he booked in October is overbooked and he will need to go to a different one, further away, and be gone on a different weekend, for longer. And I didn't lose my shit. I responded respectfully and supportively, because, this is one that actually matters to him. That will make a difference. And I, I am fine on my own. Which I wasn't for a very long time. 

    And in this space that I have created for myself, I can breathe. I can make a good choice. I can set boundaries. (For example, if he cheats on me, I am done, some of you ladies needed to walk away a long time ago, but I get it, you feel trapped, you think of the good times, you are exhausted, at the end of your wits and you don't know what to do. You really barely can put a few thoughts in a row and you want to die or for him to die, just so both of you can escape the hell you have created). If things continue along at this high level of relationship dysfunction, I am done. But for now, I have an answer, and I can hope. I know where my end point is. I am prepared. 

    I used to get angry because he would ask me questions constantly that would push my boundaries and be totally inappropriate questions. Now I know that he truly doesn't know, and I can answer. 

    Hopefully this peace and calmness doesn't set off a whole new set of provoking behaviors when he returns. We will see. Anyhow thank you. 

  • by: eyekahlo - 2 months 4 weeks ago

    It has become very obvious to me that my ADD spouse is always working or doing something else rather than be with me. Promises to do things together are often broken or delayed until it is too late. Careful scheduling, early planning and much discussion usually proves to be wasted efforts. Underlying passive agressive behavior exists as well. Trying to live with a spouse who is like this is often very disappointing. Marriage counseling has helped with awareness but scheduling convenient appointments, travel time (often 2 hours) and expense hamper progress. What to do in between appointments is always a mystery. As the non-ADD spouse, I always seem to be the one trying to make things better or at least be the one bringing up the subject. Trying to get cooperation is frustrating. My ADD husband often verbally agrees to wanting change but his opposite actions always reveal the truth. We have been married for over 40 years. Is anyone else experiencing this problem in their relationship? Do you have any observations, hints or comments?

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