Recent Topics

  • by: [email protected].. - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Many people, I'd almost say most, people misuse or don't understand the true meaning of attitude.  I see so many people take and make statements that include the term "attitude" and they are very much out of context with the word  

    I build and fly model airplanes. Being an aircraft pilot of any sort really teaches you the true definition of attitude. (Not to be confused with altitude) Lola!!!

    Attitude  is not a feeling or a belief.  It is not a display of any type of feeling. It is certainly not a look on someone's face after hearing or seeing something. It is not behavior. The thug telling a policeman to kiss something does not necessarily have a bad attitude.

    There needs to be a word for those descriptions but I'm at a loss on that. 

    ATTITUDE: is quite simply your position relative to your surroundings. This position can be perceived or actual. Perceived is where I think people confuse it with a feeling but still it is just your place in reference to everything else around you.  

    Controlling your attitude or the ability to control it is a very powerful thing. But again, it is not a feeling or a look. It is your place in relation to everything else. 

    Make this place positive and you will FEEL good. Make this "relative position" negative and ill feelings, anger, guilt, sorrow, and generally bad things will surround you.

    I wish for more people to understand that simple truth. Understand the TRUE meaning of ATTITUDE and many doors open up in your mind. 

    Everyone should fly an airplane once in their life. 

  • by: oldgoose - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I am VERY new to this forum,  but I have been reading a lot of posts today and I can see what others have been putting up with, and what I myself, have been through. AND I realise that firstly, we cannot cure or even change our spouses all that much. ADHD is a permanent condition, and to love someone who has it, takes time, patience and the skin of a rhino. My 9 year old grand-daughter has autism. She has learned to read and write, hold a conversation, wash and dress herself, tell the time, and lots of other things that the family didn't expect she would be able to do. It's amazing - but, there are things that will probably never change. She is unable to see danger, does not understand the importance of crossing the road safely, she dosn't understand when her routine changes, even if it is explained to her she still dosn't grasp the fact that things are not permanent and there are times when things might be different ..it throws her completely. She is sometimes over-stimulated and therefore has a meltdown. They are not as scary or a long as they used to be, but she will probably always have them when things get too much.She is forthright and says exactly what is on her mind. She can learn - but her condition will always be there and therefore her symptoms will continue for the rest of her life. ADHD is annoying ,frustrating, makes you tear your hair out when your other half is being unreasonable or saying the wrong thing to one of your friends, when he leaves it until the last minute to go and catch that train or get to work on time, or when he feels miserable and dosn't want to speak. In the same way as my Grand-daughter, my husband will always have the symptoms of this condition (he is not my Grand-daughters real Grandfather by the way, my first husband died in 1998, and I have been with current husband since 2001). I know that some marriages will not make it - NO ONE wants to tolerate constant financial problems caused by their spouse, or infidelity or violence. But for people like me, who put up with lots of other stuff associated with ADHD I am beginning to realise that he dosn't do these things on purpose, and all I can do is explain to him the things that upset me. I have never really done that before,just snapped at him or yelled or cried. He needs to see that some behaviour is unacceptable, ADHD or no ADHD. I will try to help if I can and I will also let him know the things that I will not tolerate, he is still a grown man, and quite capable of understanding and learning. Just like my Grand-daughter I know that my husband has a condition that is permanent and I cannot change him. I probably need to learn new things myself in order to cope, but I have to accept that his brain is wired differently and I cannot change that.

  • by: Cyrinda - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Hi there I am new here and need some advice..My husband and I have been married for 20 years and in that time I seem to always b the last on his list of priorities.  Growing up he pretty much raised himself and I try and understand that probably has alot to do with how he thinks...He makes decisions based on his wants needs and desires and I walk away feeling like an afterthought...over the past 17 years we have had quite a few nasty arguments about his selfish behavior...tonight however we had a breakthrough, he finally acknowledged his part and I finally realized that when some big change happens in our lives I start panicking and can create a huge mountain out of a molehill, I start worrying that he doesnt care and panic sets in and I go on the attack, I should probably mention I am the one with add...Is this normal for me to panic like that and what do we do from here...sorry this is so long but any help would b greatly appreciated

  • by: oldgoose - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I am from England so I hope it's ok for me to post here. Please help if you can. I did join an aspergers spouse's site but my husband is convinced he has ADHD and reading some of the posts on here, I think he may have. Are these 'symptom' you can all relate to and say for sure that he has ADHD.? Is sometimes so quiet and moody that I am scared to speak to him Sits on his computer 24/7 and even when we have guests (which isn't often) Is unable to look after our grandchildren properly, is easily distracted and dosn't seem to see that they are only small and cannot baby sit themselves. Is socially inept, and says that he spends hours thinking about what he will say to people in social situations and tries to work out what theyt will say to him. His mind is whirring away all the time and will only go to bed when he is convinced he will sleep straight away Is lazy and always puttings things off Unable to hold down a job for very long before he either takes time off or says something he shouldn't say and loses his job Blurts out inappropraite things to people and I can see them visibly wincing Has no friends, (but luckily I do) Refuses to support me in my hobby of singing. He will come along to a show and then dislike all the other people in it and the music. So I join something else and he does the same thing Has to put an alarm on his phone because he forgets what time it is if he has to be somewhere Seems to want the excitement of befriending women on line and also enjoys porn Has no empathy for other people I could go on. This all makes him sound awful, but when we first met he was sweet and attentive and nowadays he sometimes likes to arrange a surprise for me. He is generous to a fault and if I want something he goies out of his way to make sure I have it. He dosn't go out anywhere without me and is very good when things happen ,such as when I lost a job some time ago,he was very supportive. I just need to know that other people recognise their other halves in this, and that he does in fact have ADHD. Thanks for reading.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I posted this on another topic:

     

    "

    The love languages are a real thing, I encourage anyone to find out what their love language is, and what their spouse's is as well.  For instance, my H language is "Acts of Service" almost exclusivly.  And mine is a mix of "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation"  (physical touch doesnt have to be sexual touch FYI).  Based on that, the goal for our relationship would be for:

    1. me to become comfortable with accepting his acts of service as him expressing love to me

    2. learn how to express love to him with acts of service (finding out nice things I can DO for him)

    3. him to become comfortable with accepting "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" from me as expressions of love (and not manipulation or control)

    4. him to learn how to express love to me with "physical touch" and "words of affirmation"."

     

     

    really it it boiled down to H not wanting to do 3 and 4..... These are our issues boiled down to its most basic ingredient.  He is not willing and doesn't want to speak " my language".  To do that would require more work than it's worth to him.  So off he runs, to find the easier path.  He doesn't realize that the same obstacles he faces now are not going away with me.  They are not mine.  The chains that control him are not designed or made by me.  Whe. I am gone, they will still imprison him.  When I am out of his life, the same suffering and debilitating fear he thinks he is escaping will end up being his only company until he replaces me with what ever better version he thinks he wants.  

     

    I dont think  he understands that the work that I and his therapists and all the books and articles talk about are the keys to unlocking his chains, of freeing himself and experiencing real control over his destiny for the first time ever.  He says he doesn't control his life, but he has made every decision that plotted the course of our life, from where we lived to what we ate, to what we listened to and what we watched.  I have only set 2 rules.... 1 do not cheat, 2 no porn period.  That's it, that's the only control I have ever enforced, everything else was his idea, his goal, his push for what ever.

     

    but the life I offered him is not enough, all because doing 2 small things was no worth the effort to him.  

     

    And when he leaves, I will pick up the pieces, start a new life, a happy life.

     I KNOW I am worth it.  

     

    In the meantime, my heart hurts in unimaginable ways.  It's like watching your home burn and no one is willing to douse the flames.  It's watch the very people who abused and controlled him as a child win.  They still frighten him into submission.  I hate them.  They have won.  He is running and hiding.

     

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    I don't understand how when I can ask a very simple question, how I am supposed to be just fine when the answer is given with rolling eyes, and an irritated annoyed tone.  I am sick of being treated like that and when I point out I was simply asking so that I could determine my plans around his activity, his response is that he "just replied is all" now annoyed that I am pointing out his tone with me.  He doesn't see it, doesn't acknowledge it, and again I am sure assumes I am simply trying to control him.

     

    sick of it.  He would not speak to his mother or daughter or any of his friend the way he speks to me.  He would not roll his eyes anytime they dare initiate any conversation with him like he does me.  I am sure he is probably counting the flipping days until he is gone to get away from all my annoying questions.  I wish I didn't have to ask or say anything at all.  SICK OF IT!

  • by: [email protected].. - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Well, my new friends in ADHD, my purchase of the book I was hoping would help save things and bring about new understanding is actually backfiring. 

    My wife, who is only about a fourth of the way into the book is now using what she is reading against me. Saying things like "you see what your doing wrong, do you see now why I'm so mad and what you are not doing".   She just about threw it at me yesterday in anger. 

    Do you see what I mean in my last post about "owing her" how negative and narrow minded she is?  She was primping quite early this morning and I asked where she was going and she just said she didn't know. Then 10 min later says I'm going to look at and price an apartment for me. So she is just bailing or is making a threat. I think the later. She can't afford that unless she is hoarding more money than I already suspect. 

    So the communication line closed once again. She won't talk about anything. This started while we were walking the dogs yesterday all the while griping about how I let one run free down our dead end street. I said something about that was something nice about when we lived in the country. The dogs could run free and have all the fun they wanted. Well we lost one to the highway on the edge of the property and she very rudely and satirically said "oh yeah, if you want them killed". Well I felt I was saying something cheerful and positive and as quite usual she just sees and tells me about the wrong in what I just said. She does this constantly. If I say something it's wrong.... No matter what!  All I want in this matter is to stop being so negative about EVERYTHING.  Oh, and keep communications open always.  Don't shut the door!

    Apartment hunting!?  Good luck paying an apartment rent and a house mortgage!   (On a teacher's salary)

     

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    This post is really directed towards those of us here who are the ADHD spouse (versus the non ADHD spouse - but please feel free to chime in too!).

     

    I have been thinking about my relationship with my H.  It used to be we were the best of friends.  And somehow, quite suddenly, it went from that super hyperfocus attention, to - NOTHING  - all when everything became "real".  Fast forward several years... years of unhappiness for both of us, struggles, lies, abandonment etc - and I have come to some conclusions and would like some input.  My H views me as his enemy.  I have never done anything to deserve this - in fact, most of the time I have been a door mat for him (which is WAY out of my own character).  He acts like everything I do and say is some secret way to control him  - which is so rediculous I would laugh for days if it didnt actually cause me so much heartache and pain.  I have gone out of my way, and gone further to help him and support him in everything he does and to be VERY open and honest, so that there is no threat of control, no threat of manipulation.  (The last thing I want is to be with anyone who doesnt want to be with me OF THEIR OWN ACCORD).  I have let him decide his own tasks and let him define my role in supporting him in those tasks.  For instance, he will create a goal to do task A, and ask me to help him remember to DO task A at a certain time.  So I do that - and it becomes me controlling him  - by doing as he asked me to do.

     

    I have noticed that the spouses that come here with ADHD tend to focus on the negatives of their wives and husbands, and to *me* always seem so combative to their spouses.  Why is that?  What is it about that relationship that causes you to think of them as the enemy?  Why do you feel that need to consider everything they do as an attack upon you?  It could be that i am reading things wrong, but that is the impression that I have gotten.  And it certainly lines up with my own experience with my H who acts like I am enemy #1.  I suspect he has some major issues with anger transference  - targeting me - from his history of abuse as a child.  He almost *always* disagrees with me.  I could say the sky is so blue today, and he would say that he didnt think so that it looked brown from smog etc.  I have lived in the area we moved to for a good portion of my life and KNOW the shortcuts and distances, he has never lived here.  When he will ask for a good route from point A to B - I will tell it to him, and he is sure to say that "Well google maps says it should take this long and you should take this route".  Which would be fine occasionally - but its EVER TIME.  I have gotten to the point that I do not talk to him, I do not even help him when he asks on things like that - I tell him to google it.  It was so bad, that the only way he could agree with something I said was if SOMEONE ELSE would say it and agree.

     

    What inside of you triggers this do you think?  I am not looking to blame or criticise, I am seriously wondering what it is that gets your hackles up?  I suspect your spouses feel like me and have started just to shut down because its not "safe" or pleasent to even try to have conversations (again, I only get this sense from the posts on here - so take that for what it is).

     

    It bothers me intensely  - probably because I do work so hard to *not* control or manipulate him.  I have from day one wanted a real, true, honest relationship with him - not one that was a game.  I feel like a used dog toy and i have done nothing to deserve it.  His excuse is that "he is broken" - but he is clearly ok with it since he doesnt bother to get any help.  And the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that he has been doing to me - everything that he accuses me of.  He treats me like crap because he thinks I am going to leave him, so he just picks up and runs at the first hint of any issues.  He tells me that he cannot be in a relationship where his partner wants to break up everytime they fight - but that is PRECISELY what he does to me.  He says he cant deal with threats, but he threatens me all the time   -  "I only want to be married when I am in a good mood, so I havent decided if I am going to stay or not", all the while happy to have the BENEFITS of being married...He doesnt bother to eat a diet that is helpful to his ADHD tendencies, he doesnt exercise to deal with some of that aggression - both things that are essentially easy to do and you dont have to see a doc to do it.  All of this seems to fuel this... well I guess hatred towards me.  I dont deserve it, I have never done anything to deserve this treatment.  And I am tired of the "blame my abuse" (fine get HELP to move through it) "blame my brokenness"  (fine, get HELP - you are NOT broken, quit listening to the people who abused you - they live in your head and you wont kick them out).

     

    I certainly have found a new rage, and I am not burying it like I used to - I am letting it grow and fill me up.  I am letting it remind me of WHO I AM.  But I really want to understand WHY. 

     

    Anyway - I hope that you will respond.  I am moving forward and onward, but I just need to understand.

     

    At what point in your mind did your spouse become a sparring partner versus a love partner?  I know this is probably a hard question but I am hoping to get some input that can help me understand it better.  Post mortem therapy I suppose?

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    RoseRed, Liz, Dede, all of you non ADHD spouses who are constantly pulled down, knocked down and kicked, hit with a brutality of emotion few can ever even comprehend.... J, Todd - all of you ADHD spouses who have the courage to question yourself and reach for help... find it in yourself. Become the best you, and never ever give in.

     

    I know I have some fire to walk through still, but through it I can see a beautiful life flickering between the flames.

     

    I heard this today, sent by someone who has gone through the fire herself and came out like a phoenix.

     

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c

     

    "Rise"
     

    I won't just survive
    Oh, you will see me thrive
    Can't write my story
    I'm beyond the archetype

    I won't just conform
    No matter how you shake my core
    'Cause my roots they run deep, oh

    Oh, ye of so little faith
    Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
    Victory is in my veins
    I know it, I know it
    And I will not negotiate
    I'll fight it, I'll fight it
    I will transform

    When, when the fire's at my feet again
    And the vultures all start circling
    They're whispering, "You're out of time”
    But still I rise

    This is no mistake, no accident
    When you think the final nail is in
    Think again
    Don't be surprised
    I will still rise

    I must stay conscious
    Through the madness and chaos
    So I call on my angels
    They say

    Oh, ye of so little faith
    Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
    Victory is in your veins
    You know it, you know it
    And you will not negotiate
    Just fight it, just fight it
    And be transformed

    'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
    And the vultures all start circling
    They're whispering, "You're out of time”
    But still I rise

    This is no mistake, no accident
    When you think the final nail is in
    Think again
    Don't be surprised
    I will still rise

    Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
    Oh, oh, oh, oh
    You know it, you know it
    Still rise
    Just fight it, just fight it
    Don't be surprised
    I will still rise

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 1 month 3 weeks ago

    Because of the current state of my relationship with my husband, I do not feel like I can or should create or participate in any interaction that is not 100% necessary to living together. This is because I find the situation of living with my husband - of whom I have been faithful to, supportive of (mental, physically and financially), and encouraging to (for every thing he has ever tried to do) and have accepted and put up with consistent lying, and previous problems with porn and video games that control his life on top of him running away every time I have needed him in a crisis - becoming a business arrangement. This makes me extremely sad as I have a hard time pulling back and not doing things that support him in his stated goals.

     

    Right now - there is an auction going on to benefit a friend who has cancer, and one of the auction items is 8 hours of private instruction with one of the premier fighters in my H's hobby (and someone who my H looks up to very much). As soon as I saw it I started to make a bid to present to him as a gift. But then I had to stop myself because of my non-intervention policy I have set for myself. (I will not intervene or participate in this marriage until he steps up and commits- I have given 7 years to him fully and in return I have gotten "I am not sure I want to be married" - so I am giving him what he wants).

     

    It really made me sad to not do it. It would be so beneficial to him, and it would really help him in so many ways. But I cannot and will not do it. He doesn't follow through with his promises of practice at home, and I feel like this would end up being a waste, and frankly I am just not going to continue supporting him when its never returned to me. He can write his own story - with his own pen and his own pages with out my help or participation. It just makes me really sad as this is something I would have done with out hesitation just 2 months ago. Before that rage hit. Before I realized that it has been him controlling me for 7 years with those threats of "I am going to leave you" all the while acting as if *he* was the one being controlled. Well - he is, but only by his own whims and negativity - NOT ME.

     

    I just wanted to vent. Not anger, not frustration - but vent that sadness. Its always a moment of pure joy for me to see him fight. Its a beautiful thing. Its one of my favorite things - because he becomes him. He doesnt even know it.

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