My husband with ADHD. GETS VERY angry and upset if i dont obey him when he is busy. Tekls ne to shut up. Then tslks constantly. Gets mad if i answere. Tells me not to talk and turn down the tv. I get yelled at and put down. I cry. He badgers me. Why are you crying!! Whats wrong with you. Until i go so crazy i blurt out horrible things. He laughs an says what is your problem!!! Arrrrg
- Gioing crazy by: Rainbow75chic 3 months 1 week ago
- Advice I Received was "Develop An Exit Strategy" by: Deborah__ 3 months 1 week ago
As you can see from the subject line, it's reached "critical mass" here. Trying to physically restrain me from getting into my vehicle to prevent me from going to church, then chasing me on foot until I actually turned the corner...the advice I'd received seemed far overdo. The advice had come from professionals and also 3 folks I've known for over 30 years. The yelling, screaming, jumping up and down is daily. There is no talking to my spouse without a rage taking place and I'm not up to it any longer. No matter the topic, it always ends up "I've got ADHD and it's not my fault. It's the way I am. It's a brain dysfunction". He is a medical professional in psychology and helps others cope and strategize in dealing with a whole host of issues, especially ADHD. He has had the police called on him due to his extreme behavior while out in public (including a hospital and a large clinic). However, I get told it's always my fault. I need to add that, of course, he's always invited to attend church with me. This, however, happened to be a day he had to work. He was going to be leaving the house 45 minutes after me.
I'm told I should have used this word instead of that word. Several years ago I learned to select my words very carefully so they could not be misunderstood. It created such fear that I had even kept a journal of all these "forbidden words". Those journals were burned when it dawned on me it had nothing to do with which words I'd spoken. Now, there are perceived "looks" I give my spouse. Although, there's no truth to this, as often I'm not even on the same floor in the house. This plus the constant negativity regarding almost everything has worn me out.
Physically, I'm dealing with several significant health issues. They are improving and I'm beyond grateful. Simply put, the advice I received was not what I really desire. Yet, I cannot handle the daily struggle. There are also daily "promises" that occur as well. Yet, not ONCE has a promise been kept. There are as many excuses as there are grains of sand on the planet. We'd even been to counseling. That didn't go well as my spouse stood up, pointed his finger in his face and said "You're going to listen to me! I'm paying for this session".
Right now, even the thought of an "exit strategy" is tiring. I've no energy left. Outwardly, I'm quiet yet inwardly, I'm screaming.
- ADHD and Marijuana use by: AdeleS6845 3 months 1 week ago
- Please Help! How Do Non ADHD Partners Communicate Effectively With Their ADHD Partners? by: ccarpenter 3 months 2 weeks ago
I have read through many of these forums, and as a non ADHD partner, I can relate to so many of you. I am currently in a relationship with a man with ADHD. He was diagnosed when he was 18 and is now 28. He was taking adderall for the first couple of years after being diagnosed, and then stopped. We have been together for almost three years now, and it has been incredibly difficult this past year especially. We have been getting into many arguments about the lack of communication, my feelings of distrust, intimacy issues, and overall not feeling heard, important, or seen as a priority. I have asked for a few days of space for some clarity and perspective on what to do, as I am at a loss. We had talked about seeing a doctor to get back on adderall at one point, but he has not made that happen, and at this point I want to do it for him, but also don't want to come off as taking too much control over him, as he has stated he feels criticized or that I am being controlling at times. I don't mean to be this way, I just feel completely lost when I cannot communicate. What are some ways that you have coped with these issues, and how do you communicate so that both parties are heard and understood?
Thank you in advance for any advice!
- Filed for divorce--where I am now by: doublej 3 months 2 weeks ago
I asked for a divorce last November. Husband moved out at the beginning of March. It has been about a month on my own (with 4 kids) and I wanted to let you all know what is different for me. I don't know if this will help anyone, but for me, I was always afraid of the unknown that would come from divorce. Here are things I noticed:
1) I have more money at the end of the month...more than I expected. Finances were our #1 issue. Now that we don't share an account, I actually have money in the bank at the end of the month. I'm actually surprised by how much is still there!
2) The house is easy to keep up. The kids are NOT as messy as I thought. House was always a constant mess and the kids got a lot of the blame. Guess what? It's not so bad. Maintaining a relatively tidy house is pretty easy.
3) More time. With more control over living situation comes more time (even being a single mother).
4) Home repairs are not that hard. In our marriage, husband was responsible for home repairs. They would get put off and put off. I do them now (still learning). Most are pretty simple ten-minute projects especially if you know where all the tools and parts are. Now if something major happens, I may be in a world of hurt so I will have to let you know what comes.
5) I can't protect the kids. Like many of you, I hid the effects of ADHD from the kids. Now without me whitewashing situations, they are seeing their father as irresponsible and foolish with money. It is hurtful to them and this is probably the most painful aspect of it all for me.
6) Even though I feel like I have more time overall, juggling the kids' schedules is difficult and after school pick ups is hard since I work. Husband didn't work and used to do a lot of transportation. The kids have had to pick up a lot of slack in that area.
7) It is hard to put kids through divorce--no matter what the reason. There are a lot of tears. I don't know how long it will take for the kids to find their new normal.
- how to let it go?? by: dvance 3 months 2 weeks ago
So unlike Elsa, I am not able to "let it go". I have been through years of therapy--alone and together with DH--and all I feel is cheated out of 22 years of my life. I look at photos of me with my boys when they were little and I can barely remember that person, the person that loved her sons with abandon, told her husband he was the man of her dreams and happily did whatever needed to be done without complaint. Now...I am a bitter, angry, tired, overweight, jaded 47 year old. I have had enough therapy to know that what you tell yourself becomes reality, that it's all a matter of perspective, that I can break the endless script of failure in my head...but I just can't seem to. My oldest son will be 18 in May and graduates from high school on June 4. We have no college money saved for him. None. He was accepted at Indiana University and wants to go very badly. It's $45,000 a year. That is more than my salary in a year. So I failed in saving for college. And his brother (age 16) wants to go to University of Illinois (we are in Chicago, so that will be cheaper). Oldest son was in rehab for 6 weeks last year. So I failed in communicating that we don't do drugs. In fact my father was a violent alcoholic who killed himself when I was six and my son knows that and still chose to drink and take drugs. My faith is really important to me--I teach in a Catholic school and go to church every week. We took the boys to church for years. Now it's like pulling teeth to get them to come with me. Hubby doesn't go any more either. So another thing that was important to me for our family down the drain. We are vegetarians--I have been since high school, and the boys and DH are too. At least I thought DH was-there were receipts from several business trips on the desk and come to find out he has been eating meat for about the past year. So another shared value I thought we had, we don't and he doesn't even know that I know this about him. Grades in high school--don't get me started-both of my boys have IQs that there is no name for, but they have gotten Ds on their report cards and it does not phase them at all. I am a teacher for crying out loud, we value education. How did they not get that?? Fidelity and honesty in marriage--there have been three other women that I know of and DH lies like he breathes, so those two values are out the window too.
Now, let me be clear--I do not want to raise clone children, but some of these basic values I had hoped to impart to my kids--faith and education are pretty important to me. I cannot decide if I have just matured and changed and I am making more of all of this than needs to be, that life is just messy and kids have to mess around and fail a few times before they sort themselves out. It could be a midlife crisis of my own, I don't know, but I can't seem to stop cataloguing all of the failures I just listed in my head. I can't seem to stop the loop that is running in my head. I do a pretty good job of keeping this all to myself, but it's always running in my head. I take anti-anxiety medicine and I have an appointment with my doc next week. It's possible I need a new/different med because I just cannot stop the loop in my head that says I made a lousy choice in a life partner 22 years ago and so me and the kids are paying the price. It's exhausting. How do I let it go. What can I say to myself??
- Please help me understand the split personality by: Amac23 3 months 2 weeks ago
H and I have been together ten years, and there has been boundary issues with other women from the beginning of our marriage.
I don't know that there have been affairs, though it's very plausible, but he is always talking to new women on social media, texting with female co-workers, etc, and hiding it from me. He is careful to never say he's married. I've confronted him over and over and he acts remorseful and then does it all over again. Every time I confront him he plays dumb like he doesn't see why this particular case is a problem. I am so lost...so sad that he doesn't value loyalty and constantly needs this ego stroke. Most importantly, I don't know that this kind of thing can ever be fixed?
Anyhow, yesterday was the last straw for me. I found pages and pages on our cell bill of him texting with a female co-worker and deleting it. I asked him to leave and we spent our first night apart. I still love him so much but don't know how to stay with him and still protect myself.
The reason I am choosing the communication forum to post this question is because last night he started on a new level of bizarre. We exchanged a few text messages and he was treating me as if I was the one who wronged him. Every text was either cold or passive aggressive and everyone of them painted him as the victim. It adds so much hurt to the mix, because not only do I feel betrayed and heartbroken, but don't event get the respect of him owning my actions and how much he hurt me. Why is he making this my fault? What is going on inside someone to where they would make really shady, hurtful choices and then be cruel to those they hurt? I really want to understand.
- Self-esteem gone- is this normal?! by: Amac23 3 months 2 weeks ago
Hi everyone...first time posting here...so grateful to find others that may understand.
My husband and I have been together ten years with ups and downs. As a whole for the first few years it was a fairy tale. We first met in sixth grade and had been friends on an off for years, finally getting together in our late 20's. He's kind, creative, gentle, basically an answer to prayer.
As soon as we got married a strange pattern emerged. He was diagnosed with ADD in kindergarten and has struggled all his life with depression, anxiety and constantly feeling inferior to basically everyone. I noticed that there were constant issues with other women. It's not so much that he was having affairs. I suppose it's totally possible but it was more that he never would draw a boundary with a woman. He would have private messages on social media and hide. I'd always find out and when reading the messages, it seemed pretty innocent but it was so disturbing that he had no sense of loyalty.
Lately it's been worse and worse. He is constantly talking to girls on social media, mostly instagram, and constantly lying about it. It hurts me so badly that he cannot be loyal, never mentions that he's married. I am so vulnerable with him and clear about how small it makes me feel, but it doesn't matter. Today was the last straw....theres been three just this week, but today on our cell bill I found pages and pages of texts to a co-worker that he was deleting. I packed a bag and am now at a friends.
I'm really hurting so much right now. I love him so much but it feels hopeless. He says he doesn't understand why he does it and I'm struggling so hard with feeling so worthless. Does this happen often? Is he so desperate for affirmation that his integrity and marriage doesn't matter anymore?
- After disaster, trying a new approach to ADHD- a medical food! by: tiredmomma1 3 months 3 weeks ago
I have a teen with Autism and ADHD and various health issues like causing most of these labels. While he has done well on Propanolol for anxiety and aggression, he still struggles alot with ADD/ADHD type symptoms. We were going to try out Strattera for him, but since we hadn't hit our insurance deductible it was going to cost us $400 plus per month, which is ridiculous. Strattera doesn't even have the best reviews and he cannot tolerate stimulants and Tenex had limited effectiveness for him.
I signed him up for an executive functioning class for teens, in hope it would give him enough skills to overcome some of these deficits. It turned into a disaster. Due to being on an inhaler for the effects of a lung infection he had to stop his Propanolol. The other students there were, according to their parents, on high doses of Concerta (Tenex at night when it wore off) and thus could sit and focus. The instructor ended up getting so agitated by my son's restlessness that he threatened to strap him to the chair, and allowed the other students to add in that they should tase my son. My son stormed out of there and when I confronted this teacher he claimed it was all a big joke and my son should know that as he is in junior high now. Needless to say, I filed a complaint and gratefuly the center addressed it. But it scared me how his symptoms getting out of control put my son potentially in harms way.
We've had success with Vayarin, a medical food for ADHD, with my other son who has the same medical issues and combined ADHD diagnosis from our Neurologist. It's helped with some of the younger son's defiant behaviors, so I am hopeful we see improvement for this child as well. I just want him to be able to control himself, focus, and take part in all life has to offer. After seeing how untreated ADHD is affecting their father's life (no follow through on projects, has to go to extremes with continual activities just to function and self regulate to the exclusion of family) and has wrecked my marriage, I have decided to do whatever I can to get my kids the help they need so they don't struggle in the same way.
- Yet another screaming argument by: redhead1017 3 months 3 weeks ago
Or rather, yet another screaming monologue with me standing there being yelled at and cussed out in front of our kids.
I have a special needs adult son who asked Dad this morning if he could go buy a video game he's been saving up before school on Friday. He said no, they would go after school, and Henry got upset. Rather than encouraging his special needs son to slow down and think of alternatives, DH just got loud and started arguing and yelling. I'm getting ready to go to work, I'm not hearing the discussion until they both boil into my room yelling at each other. I immediately told them to stop arguing, stop yelling, so I could ascertain the issue. I got my son calmed down (btw he's like 4 years old mentally, you're not going to win an argument with him, you have to try other tactics, as I've told my DH like a million times).
As I'm going out the door I mention that yelling never works, and that instantly triggered him into a full blown screaming fit at me for 10 minutes, cussing me out, telling me I treat him like a child (if the shoe fits), that there is no other option to deal with things other than yelling and arguing, etc. I just stood there and let him yell at me for 10 or so minutes, my son was screaming in the background, and my daughter came out of her room crying.
So yeah this is not the first time this has happened, more like the millionth time. I let him treat me like this. I enable his behavior by allowing him to continue to treat me like this. I've shown my kids that it's okay for people to treat them like this.
I want him gone. ADHD is a monster. I see nothing positive about it. I've read all Melissa's books, and I've tried all the tactics, and nothing ever works.
I would love advice on how to move forward - how do I tell him I want him out. I don't want to be screamed at but he's incapable of discussing anything without doing that - which is why I don't talk to him about anything.