- by: AbbyNormal - 2 months 3 weeks ago
- by: Goldilox73 - 2 months 3 weeks ago
My husband and I started counseling toward the end of 2015 and things were going ok. We discovered his issues with anger management likely come from ADHD, especially b/c our son was just diagnosed. I've endured years of his outbursts and walking on eggshells. My husband does have insight and understands his flare ups hurt my feelings. But, unfortunately, insight doesn't always prevent it from happening. The other night, he began yelling at me because I cleaned up his desk and he said I moved some papers around. I didn't remember doing it, but he insisted it was my fault and now he couldn't find anything. He just started yelling and it took all my strength, but I did not yell back this time. I'm trying to learn from these forums how NOT to react as the non-ADHD spouse. So, I quietly told him I didn't move his papers and walked away. So, I avoided a big double screaming match.....but it still didn't stop me from feeling hurt and I did what I usually do and gave him the silent treatment for 3 days. So typical in our marriage. He yells, I shut down. And it chips away, little by little by little..... SO, if I'm trying to be the bigger person and not yell back, all you non-ADHD spouses, how do I stop myself from still feeling hurt after being yelled at??
- by: Redhead5 - 2 months 3 weeks ago
This is my first post. I've been reading the posts of others and have found them very helpful. My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD and naturally we are having some difficulties. I'm having a hard time with his need to call ADHD a gift and not work on the impairments. He was diagnosed in November because he set up an appointment with a clinic. I suppose I should have known it was going to be difficult because he keeps telling counsellors and doctors I wanted to get him diagnosed and on medication. I did present the idea that he had ADHD to him and we talked about how medication is one of the treatments but he seems to have rewritten our conversations. I hear that is a part of ADHD which is also hard for me to keep taking because I know he actually believes things I've never said.
Is there any way to help our conversations be truthful? Is this something an ADHD counsellor can address? He's a very convincing talker with others and most people, except for his family, believe him. Will an ADHD counsellor catch on?
- by: overwhelmedwife - 2 months 3 weeks ago
How long did you know/date your ADHD spouse before marrying?
And what red flags were present during the dating years?
unable to keep a job?
relationship issues with others?
bad with money?
other red flags?
- by: c ur self - 2 months 3 weeks ago
I stumbled across a blog. today of a young lady who has in her words, "full blown" adhd. As I read what she had written I knew right away about her struggles...What she say's is real, and it's the hope I've held onto for 8 years. If My wife could have said these things to me in the beginning, I think our lives would have been so much better. If she could speak openly and peacefully now (without the chip, and anger) it would change our lives. Maybe some day she will, I still have hope! And if I could thank this Young lady for encouraging me in my hope, I would love to....
I'm posting the website in case some of you would like to read it....It's entitled...The adhd Christian, and The adhd Christian part 2.....She has another one entitled I'm getting married, but he's not "The One" There all good...But, she is a believer, so if Christians offend you, you may not want to read them.
- I was blindsided.. Didn't have all info before I married my ADD husband. Now I feel stuck in this marriage...by: MrsS. - 2 months 4 weeks agoHi it’s my first time posting on this very helpful group. And I have to tell you I command you all for your determination in fighting and or embracing your challenge that is ADD or ADHD. I’m coming to you without judgement but I need to talk to you about my situation and I wish someone could help me deal with this situation. I am not diagnosed with this condition. My husband is. I wasn’t told he had ADD until December 26th of last year. I only knew he was dyslexic and that is the only information I was aware of. I always thought something else was going on but I never could figure it out until my mother-in-law told me, well you knew he had Attention Deficit Disorder when you married him! I said WHAT!!! She never told me I swear, because honestly I would have sought help for him sooner than I did. My marriage wouldn’t have been as miserable as it has for the past 3 years. My husband can hardly remember his phone number, his address, forget about finances. He just goes to work and I manage finances. I pay all the bills, he cannot be trusted with money because on top of that he has a food addiction… There is a lock on my fridge (I’m not even kidding) I’m so tired of having this parent child relationship it drains the heck out of me and I feel like I’m stuck in this marriage where not all information were giving to me. Now I’m not going to sit here and play the victim, because nobody forced me to marry him, but things were different when he was pursuing me. He was kind, lovable, and attentive to my needs… I guess I had his full attention then…. Now he can go on all day in front of his Japanese cartoons or video games and it’s as if I don’t exist. I’m on the verge of separation because I don’t know how much longer I can go on in this relationship. It’s not even about love anymore because I don’t feel like this man can elevate my intellect, that he understands my inner thoughts. You know like most of the time I feel he doesn’t get it… I’m always the one yelling, arguing telling him what to do and looking like the bad crazy wife in front of our family and friends. I’m miserable, unhappy and out of love with this man… The happy pictures of my wedding are showing a whole different reality of my life now… He started his medication yesterday (Concerta) they started him on the smaller dose for a week and progressively they will increase it if I don’t see improvement… And I kid you not when I tell you the neighbor called me today to tell me my door was wide open today… He had forgotten to lock the door… This is just my reality… Forgetting to lock doors, forgetting keys, disorganization… I could go on and on. But I guess you know the symptoms better than I do. I needed to vent… Thanks for reading.. . I need help… P.S Sorry for my English, I’m French speaking.. Sorry for my mistakes.
- by: ShameOnYou - 2 months 4 weeks ago
Not only do some of you seem to be stupid and tactless, It looks like many of you are cruel as well. It's only natural this forum would attract hypocritical self righteous developmentally challenged martyr spouses. Your relations don't just have the burden of being ADHD.
It's great looking at the post counter, and seeing how the categories are misused. This site is so mismanaged it's hilarious. I see clinical and professional issues throughout the various areas of the site, on and off the forums.
- by: wrinkles - 3 months 8 hours ago
I've just recently started reading some of these posts of about being married to someone with ADHD and the struggles others are experiencing. So many stories hit close to home for me and I feel better knowing that it's not just me and that I'm not crazy. But, I'm worried about remaining strong for my kids, and my husband, when 40% of my household has ADHD.
My husband and I have 3 children together under the age of 9. Our son (age 5 1/2) was recently diagnosed with ADHD. After his diagnosis a couple of months ago, I began doing substantial research on kids with ADHD, treatments, etc... I also read Driven to Distraction, which I initially picked up thinking it would help us with our son. Within the first chapter or two. I immediately began to realize how so many of the symptoms and stories described my husband perfectly. While I always secretly assumed my husband had ADD, he had never formally been diagnosed. I never realized until doing research because of my son, how much of my marriage (almost 12 years) had been a roller coaster ride because of Adult ADD. My husband was rather adamant he didn't need help and, while he has always felt and acknowledged himself as being different than most people, didn't think he needed to be tested for anything. Finally, after convincing him it would benefit our son, he was tested and officially diagnosed with ADHD. I have only recently started understanding why so many arguments, problems, his alcoholism, etc.. that we've had over the years are because of his ADHD. Many times, over the years, I've been at the end of my rope in wanting to leave the marriage. But with 3 kids, I've been sticking it out for their benefit.
Now being faced with a young son who has ADHD and a husband who has it, I'm feeling overwhelmed. While I love my husband very much and am proud of all of his accomplishments despite having undiagnosed ADHD and also a learning disability, the chaos, inattention, inability to start/complete chores at home, lack of consistency, help, broken promises, etc... has left the huge burden of raising 3 kids, running a house and also working full time to me. I love, hate, resent and am upset with husband all at the same time. He's always told me that I should be grateful he's not abusive or the type of spouse to sleep around, gamble, leave, etc... so I should just accept and live with his faults and flaws. But I can't anymore. I'm 36 and am just so tired of being the glue to keep our family together, our house running and our lives in some kind of order. I just want to be happy and feel like my spouse is an equal partner in our crazy lives together. (I'll also note that my husband is estranged from his family (who actually have way more issues than he does but are in denial).)
My husband has started visiting the Hallowell Center near us for help and is starting to come to terms with his diagnosis. However, even if he fully commits to getting help to recognize and change how his ADHD has impacted our marriage and our whole household, I don't know that I can wait this out. I'm not happy in our relationship and we've had many discussions about it. Now that he has been diagnosed, a lot more makes sense but I'm at a crossroads.
I don't want my son to have to go through all of the hurdles my husband has had, mostly because of having undiagnosed ADHD but I'm weary that my frustration with my husband, is going to transfer to my son. While I vow to help my son through life cope and excel with his ADHD, I'm faced with having a spouse who has the same thing and cannot understand the effects on our family. My husband believes because he has been successful in many ways, that our son automatically will too. I've tried explaining that many of the problems my husband has faced are likely attributed to his ADHD but it doesn't resonate with him.
With all of this, I also have to somehow raise 2 daughters under the same roof who (at the ages of 3 and 8) do not appear to have ADHD.
While I do love my husband, the issues that have been plaguing us because of his ADHD run very deep. I'm wondering if separating from him would make him realize that in order to improve things between us and our family, that he needs to take seriously getting treatment. I also wonder if separating would afford me the time, energy and effort it's going to take to help our young son as well as try and create a somewhat "normal" household for our daughters. I'm torn between the benefits and consequences of this long term decision. I don't want to negatively impact our children, especially if we do separate, but, wonder of the long term harm just staying with my husband will do to them and likely to me.
- by: SilentlyStressed - 3 months 13 hours ago
I hate that all I seem to do is bitch about these things — even though I don't actually bitch to anyone other than myself because I don't want to bad-mouth DW to anyone really! DW has just been on 'holiday' for the past 3 weeks, not really a proper holiday, but home to see family etc.
We couldn't really afford it to be honest, but DW said her dad was paying for her flights so we compromised that she would just use that money as her spending money, and off she went! Turns out that this 'family-visiting' time has turned into what can only be described as a 21 day bender — DW has been drinking every, single day — her dad is an alcoholic and that's where she was staying, but this went way too far — with numerous nights out at clubs, 4 am type stuff!
I've already expressed my concern about what I see, as a real alcohol problem — if it's in the house, she WILL drink it, regardless. I could be saving a nice bottle of whiskey/wine for special occasions but no, if it's in the house, she drinks it! Not socially either, she's just drinking it for the sake of it, or if she's 'bored' — which is a lot of the time! She's just told me that when she gets back she's giving up drinking for 90 days — although at 9am at the airport she is posting pictures to facebook of herself drinking cocktails!! At 9am!?! BY HERSELF!
Also, the spending money thing — she assured me that she hardly spent any money whilst there, I have come to find out that she has maxed out one credit card (maybe $1000) and has requested a very large credit increase on another (she hasn't maxed this one, but has put a good whack onto it, again maybe another $800, and that's on top of the $600 she originally had from her father!). She hasn't mentioned this large increase to me as of yet — I'm not sure she's going to either.
How the hell do I even approach this!? I'm so frustrated right now, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about any of this!! And I really don't want to upset her either — I do really love her, I just want us to be 'normal'! She has her first ever appt with a psych in 2 weeks — I'm really hoping she gets some meds!
- by: JohnWilson - 3 months 1 day ago
Since my marriage took a turn for the worse last year, the one refrain that keeps coming up a lot from my wife is that she's "done trying" and it's up to me to show that I can put in the effort. I can understand why she'd be at the end of her rope, and I try to put across that I hear that and respect that. So it's on me to make my own goal list and start kicking some butt, right? But it puts me in knots to read about things the non-ADHD spouse could and should do to help save the relationship, like:
- Separate the spouse from the symptoms
- Learn to empathize (any remarks about my own feelings earns the reply, "It's all about you again!")
- Try laughing at mistakes sometimes
- Know what things your spouse is not good at and build around that
- Forgiveness as a first step to trying differently
- Accept that their partner will always have ADHD
- Work out verbal cues and stick to them
- Open up about their own deep feelings or their anger
To hear my wife say that makes me afraid that none of these things will happen unless I can really wow her first with big, prolonged improvement. The last 18 months have shown that I just keep slipping. Does anyone have their own experiences or advice in this area.... how to ask my partner to shift a viewpoint a bit or take a tiny step for the benefit of both of us working out our issues?