Recent Topics

  • by: inthedark - 3 months 4 days ago

    after reading so many posts on here, and being new to having an ADHD partner, i think i must find a solution.  Going around in circles does not make sense at my age.  I spent 30 yrs (that magic number for marriage) married to someone who in hindsight had something wrong with him, personality disorder maybe.  and so I ask myself why do i pick these people, or they pick me.  hhmmm.  I learnt one thing when going out with a guy with bi-polar disorder, when he went off and started talking to other 'ladies', i went off and did the same thing.  it worked!  he was soon looking for me.  so maybe just maybe it would work with ADHD, or maybe not lol.  haven't tried it yet.  but my current ADHD partner said he would ring me on weekend, and of course no phonecall.  any thoughts?  has anyone tried giving them a taste of their own medicine?

     

  • by: PoisonIvy - 3 months 5 days ago

    I was inspired by JJamieson's recent posts on a different thread to think about the following: describing the problems in my relationship without beginning with "he" (my ex-husband) "did X" or "he is X."  I think this is a useful exercise because accepting responsibility for our own choices and behavior is important.  Here are some of my "I" statements; I hope others will chime in with their own.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I was afraid I would get into legal trouble based on my then-husband's financial dealings.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I felt like a low priority for my then-husband.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I realized that I was as alone and lonely while married as I would be if single or divorced.

    I was unhappy with my relationship because I couldn't figure out a way to be the person my then-husband seemed to need without giving up essential (to me) parts of my personality and behavior.

     

  • by: edoetsch - 3 months 5 days ago

    My father was OCD and the dominate parental figure in my upbringing. He was highly organized so I struggled to keep up. With his help maintained good grades and got through college and a Masters program in Computer Science. Though feeling always well supported and love, I always felt massive guilt because I could not stay on task as well as he.

    I have been diagnosed with ADHD for over 10 years and regularly take Concerta and see a therapist.
    I found a wife that shares many of the same characteristics as my father (probably a common story). We are both full time employees with successful jobs. My wife is s high level manager/director and I am an individual contributor. She has an amazing ability to keep large number of tasks in her head and can tackle even more with proper lists and calendar use. 

    I am struggling to keep up with family and kids activities. A full day for me is assisting in morning routine, getting to work and my own appointments, helping in the evening with some household and child care. I am asked to do a small number of evening things like pick up kids from sport practice. I want to do this, but find I am easily overloaded if I am asked to do 2,3,4 additional things in an evening when one-off additional events are happening. My mother-in-law lives with us and assists greatly in getting kids from school and taking them to activities.

    This is about as much as I can do in a day. I cannot compete with planning any activities or vacations on the level of my wife so she is the primary organizer for family life. In general this works for me because I don't need to be in the driver seat and she generally enjoys the control. But not always.

    However, when the schedule gets over overloaded for her, I feel maxed out, and she wants me to step up: I often react badly because I already feel pushed to the max. This includes moody behavior, stomping around the house when completing tasks not talking with her until things settle down. This angers her because she feels she is asking me to do so little. It angers me because I feel I am already drowning in tasks and being pushed for more. I understand her disappointment in me because she does 3-4 times for the house than I do with relative ease. This triggers massive guilt similar to what I felt as a child in not being able to live up to my father.

    Things had been going well with us for a few months. The other day I was supposed to pick up my 10 year old from a soccer practice on a night when 2 additional one-off activities were added to the schedule. With multiple text messages back and forth and other discussions I was supposed to: Shop for a present for a card card game at a friends house, pick my son up, take him to a bingo night at school where I was to meet my wife and daughter, go home, put the kids to bed and play cards with friends.

    All of the later activities swirling in my head, I went straight the school for bingo night skipping my son's pickup. I got the frantic call from my wife asking where the hell I was and immediately my heart sunk. I forgot my son at the field. Luckily the coach stayed with him and everyone was OK and I picked him up 20 minutes late.

    I was horrified and still cannot believe myself. The guilt is overwhelming. This also understandably triggered a massive reaction from my wife because though I have forgotten things before (an item at the store, or other material things) this was the first time this happened where I forgot my child.

    I have reconfigured my phone and calendar and made an oath to myself that when multiple activities are occurring I will always prioritize the children allowing myself to skip or make anything else lower priority. However, it has scarred her existing distrust in my ability to carry through with anything and I am nervous and tight as a drum to never let it happen again. I will forget something again. What will it be this time?

  • by: frustratedwife - 3 months 5 days ago

    I have been married to my ADHD spouse for almost 10 years now.  He told me he was ADHD when we met but he said now that he was older it didn't affect him like it did when he was young.  He took meds (Ritalin) while in college in order to be able to focus and get through 4 years to get his degree, but when it started affecting his heart he got off of it.  He also had some counseling during that time (all of this before we met).  Since we have been married he has been unemployed more than half the time and has had over 50 jobs, the longest lasting one being a little less than a year.  Most of the jobs last between a couple of weeks to a couple of months before he quits or gets fired.  It's not that he isn't good at what he does, and I think he is a pretty good worker while on the job, but he can't get along with people because of his huge ego, a chip on his shoulder and the fact he takes offense to everything.  Something that wouldn't bother me a bit will set him off and he can't hold his tongue.  I think often times people don't even know why he's upset.  He seems to think everyone is out to get him.  He also talks too much, doesn't listen well, interrupts people and says inappropriate things. It's like he has no filter.   Because of all of this we are always struggling financially and it's extremely stressful for me to be the sole provider when I don't really make enough to support two people.

    My H also never follows through on anything.  He has started numerous projects and never finishes them.  He has started quite a few small businesses and never goes far enough to make any money with them.  He blames everyone and everything, except himself, for his failures.  He is the king of excuses!  He is a borderline hoarder and has made my home (I owned the home we live in before we met) into a junk yard.  He has talent and ability to fix things but never does, so things just deteriorate until what was once something of value just turns to junk.

    Yesterday he applied for a job and thinks it will be offered to him.  It's hard for me to get my hopes up because nothing ever lasts.  He said his "would-be" boss is a lot like him including being ADHD.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  If he gets this job we desperately need him to stick with it.  I'm thinking as soon as a second income is coming in we should look into counseling.  I would like to go to marriage counseling but I'm not sure if the average couples counselor will know how to deal with his issues.  I'm thinking we need to find someone who is knowledgeable about ADHD but don't know how to find someone in our area.  I don't think he will agree to get back on meds but I truly think counseling will help him see some of his damaging behaviors.  He isn't in denial about his ADHD, but still wants to make excuses and refuses to see how this is affecting his employment.

    I'd love some advice from those of you who are in similar situations.

  • by: c ur self - 3 months 5 days ago

    If men are from Mars and women are from Venus then I think when we drop the tape measure on a clinical level adhd thinker and one who is not....You come up with Mercury and Pluto....It seems this difference is or can be an insurmountable challenge to many marriage relationships. When I was 4 or 5, the little girl next door (she was maybe 4 or 5 also) came outside and got naked. The first thing I noticed was she had no PP....My very first view of Venus  At least some things when Mars deals w/ Venus are visible...Which at least gives us a fighting chance...But since we can't take our minds out and let each other examine them, Mercury must learn to understand Pluto on the fly...There in lies the problems...

    I just wanted to take a moment to encourage all Mercury/ Pluto relationships out their, being in one gives me great empathy along w/ great respect for the resolve and fortitude you display day to day, no matter if your Mercury or Pluto...Now I'm no expert, (world"s greatest understatement LOL) so I can only speak for myself and my own experiences....But, I also have absorbed a lot of material the past several years and read a LOT:) of posts...Also, I have been encouraged spiritually.

    There are common themes that I would like to bring up in this post....Negative emotions and negative attitudes that only produce tunnel vision and strained relations will NEVER produce a workable relationship, NEVER....And I hate the word never, but, in this case I feel it's warranted...

    Do you know what understanding and acceptance of Now/ Not Now will do for your relationship when you live your life knowing this is your partners normal (Pluto)....And Pluto do you know what understanding and acceptance will do for your relationship when you understand your spouses "normal" is more Big picture planning, and "Now" will most always be to late for them....They will be putting finishing touches on their part of the project when you decide to start you part.....The reason we fight about this is Non Acceptance!

    Non Acceptance says I will go to hell and take you with me, declaring I'm right.....Acceptance say's I respect your rights to do it your way....Will there be boundaries in this kind of acceptance? It don't have to be if Mercury and Pluto don't try to take advantage or use the other....

    What about act/ react?? Same thing...They say for every action there is a reaction....But they didn't mean it had to always be negative....But sadly, way to often in a Mercury/ Pluto relationship act/ react is negative....This takes Self-awareness and life management skills...If you are consumed with Anger, Bitterness and Self Righteousness like the author of this post has been why to often, there isn't much hope for you....(No matter if your from Mercury or Pluto) At least until you break the chains of this heart disease....

    When you accept and expect that what is going to come out of your partner's mind (actions, words,) is not what your mind is producing and not judge it....Then you can start to be free....

    This post isn't about denial, it isn't about right or wrong, or a victim mindset ....It's about Acceptance and the ability to be at peace......If we can get to this place of no response, no judgments, no enablement,  just pure respect for each others way of living life....This is the best we can do individually to allow, Mercury and Pluto to exist in a peaceful Solar System....

    There are many things we will endure (give and take) to abide peacefully together under the best of circumstance's (Venus/ Mars)....If you are doing the work of recognition, and acceptance of reality, of what a peaceful life means in (Mercury/ Pluto) your relationship I applaud you!!!

    Blessings to all...

    C

     

  • by: Zapp10 - 3 months 6 days ago

    I have been spending my days stepping back and observing my H, how he is when he is alone and when he is interacting with others( including myself). 

    While the many aspects of adhd are apparent I find they are DOABLE ( not without ups and downs) but NOT deal breakers for me. 

    However......there is a non emotive aspect to his behavior that has given me pause to it being adhd. My H has always had a stoic, flat countenance that "lurked" underneath. While he can be warm, witty, creative etc....there is "something " missing. This is what gives me pause on it is MORE than adhd. 

    His lack of emotion (or ability to show) is very much "missing". His upbringing, I am sure, had a lot to do with this. I see much of the same behavior in too many of his siblings. GOOD EMOTIONS were not (and still aren't) allowed. His mother was very much a HUGE fear based person. His siblings are whiners, blamers and combative......such a JOY to be around.....

    I have searched for a word to describe my H's affect, manner, way of being. ....HOW he talks, HOW he moves, HOW he listens, HOW he expresses........mechanical. That is the word. This is why I suspect aspergers(along with other attributes not talked about here).

    There are many "disorders" of executive function that can be sought. Emotional dysregulation etc..... MY knowledge and understanding is crucial for me, whether we are together or not. His lack of emotion may not affect him but for sure it affects those around him and NOT in a "good" way. I need to understand "whatever" the issue is whether he CAN overcome SOME of it or NONE of it. It would be unfair to expect from him what he can't do......and I say this whether we are together ot not.....most likely?.....the latter.

    A loving relationship is based on "needs" being met.  I/me comes after us/we in a marriage.....or it isn't one......not that hard. 

    I have also come to see.......I am trying to justify with a lot of "talk"......reasons to stay......and they are more times than not coming from....my OWN denial of what really needs to happen.

     

     

     

  • by: Mapper - 3 months 1 week ago

    I know that just about anything that comes out of his mouth anymore is just talk and when I bring it up to him less than 24 hrs later it's like he never said it.

    Case in point, last night. About 8pm last night he says to me " Do you want to go to Buffalo Wild Wings tomorrow and watch the Packer game?" I was shocked he asked that seeing as he's not a huge football fan. I say to him that the Seahawks (our home team) was playing at the same time and that it will probably be crowded. He goes "So? It's not like we haven't done it before. Besides, I could go for some wings". I say " Okay then. The game starts at 1:30". I was pretty sure we wouldn't be going. This morning he doesn't get out of bed until 10am. At about 11 I ask if we are still going and he says "I don't know. I'm pretty happy just sitting here". I KNEW that would be the case! Then at noon he goes back to bed.

    I am SO tired of never being able to get excited about doing things with him because he gets excited about doing something and the next day when I'm all amped to do it he acts like he never said it and just wants to sit around the house or take a nap. Even when he comes up with plans out of the blue that sound like fun and then even 2 hrs later he's like "Nah, I'm good just sitting here". Then WHY the hell did you bring up doing something??!!

  • by: 6YearsOnEdge - 3 months 1 week ago

    I wish I knew how to talk to my spouse about her anger, which I feel is growing out of control for the last 3 years. I can see and understand the things that cause that initial spark... but we haven't yet gotten to a place where we can cap off or even talk about her runaway anger. She says dozens of things which she tells me later aren't true. She spits out hurtful names and slams her hands on the tabletop. I see sweat beading down her face. She switches to 30 seconds of crying and then starts screaming again. 

    Most saddening of all is how often an angry episode will "ruin" the rest of her day. Or her entire work week. Today there was 45 minutes back-and-forth, sparked by a mess I had left in the basement. Now she's up in bed at 1:30 in the afternoon. I know that I can't go ask her: How do we get back on track? How can we make this day better? I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you?" Her response will be, "Nope! You've screwed my entire day." So in bed she will stay, sleeping, tossing around, or flipping through Facebook on her phone to look at posts from friends and wallow in sadness and envy. Later, she'll grab a quick dinner without talking to me, and binge on Netflix until bed. The fights that hurt most wind up ruining her week. I'll get a text: "7 PM and I'm still at my desk. Not getting anything done because of you and lack of sleep." "Hope you're ready for me to work on Saturday, thanks again." "You never think of me and how much I have to do. I told you about this project last week." "Couldn't sleep and got in late to work, all because of you. Again!"

    When she's in this state, anything I do makes it worse, it seems. If I try to take a break in the next room -- I've scurried away like a mouse. If I say that I understand that was wrong -- bald-faced liar. If I ask her to do anything, sit down, take a deep breath -- don't boss me around like I'm some moron. If I make any one of a dozen weird, flustered, or inappropriate gestures -- drama queen. If she storms off and I approach her later and ask how she's feeling -- what do you f----- think, after what you did to me?

    I would love to have her step back and think about her own anger... read a book... see a therapist (not in a million years)... or just find the words to open up an interesting and meaningful conversation about untangling her own anger. There are things in life that frustrate her besides her ADHD spouse, and I know that we don't spend enough time talking about those either. But none of these will get untangled, just sit in the background like a malignant lump, and it's my hand, mine only, holding the string that'll pull it to the forefront. She can't and won't help it.

    Advice or thoughts... anybody...

  • by: Strawberry - 3 months 1 week ago

    Hi all - great site!

    First time on this site and I'm finding it verrrry helpful thank you! I'm in a new relationship with my boyfriend of 6 months who has ADHD, on top of that we live 4 hours apart but we do get to spend a lot of time together, usually every fortnight for 1 week. He is finding the changing routines from when I'm there for the week and then gone a challenge, as do I, but I have children to come home to who keep me occupied whereas he lives on his own so it's a little harder for him. He can be moody or 'distant' at times due to lack of sleep, pressure from work or our routine shifts...when he gets this way on the phone I find it difficult to not take it personally. I'm learning not to ask if I've upset him as this seems to bother him, and he can't understand why I would ask that. He's a great communicator but I have to pick my timing and wait until we're face to face, otherwise we end up having a disagreement, and he says he gets tired of the introspection....which I understand, but I find I have to hold my tongue a little which can be tiring.

    I want this relationship to work, he is a good man and I can see he struggles. My eldest son has Aspergers so I have a fair insight into the challenges of having a mental 'disorder' as such. I have a lot of empathy, patience and understanding but I do get a little overwhelmed by it at times so I'm learning new strategies to cope.

    My question is this: when we're apart and on the phone (which is every night), how can I best handle his emotional 'distance' so that I don't take it personally? I'll feel like he's cranky at me, which I know he's not, but the tone he uses and the shortness of his conversation leave me feeling otherwise. I'm a strong woman but I can be fairly emotionally sensitive, especially since I miss him when we're apart....do I just have to take a can of 'harden up' or are there other methods that can work? I find if I can make him laugh it helps. Humour always helps hey?!

    Any suggestions or advice would be great to hear!!

  • by: JayZ - 3 months 1 week ago

    My ADHD partner J and I knew each other briefly through a mutual group of friends for 3 years. I was with someone else at the time. We crossed paths again 5 months ago; I was now single. Turns out, J has kept an eye on me all these years. It was deep unconditional love, something neither one of us has felt before, we were inseparable.

    J and I pretty much lived together traveling through the country for work. We had this all figured out. No secrets about the past, clarified expectations, open communication and future plans.

    2 months in, I went overseas for 2 weeks to see my family and then permanently moved to one city for work. Still inseparable, we’d text each other all day and speak for hours on the phone. It seemed the distance was getting to him more and more though.

    The plan was for him to restructure his work so he could spend more time with me. In the meantime, we had a lot of chances to spend time together and me traveling to the other side of the country to see him. But he needed time alone to focus on work, which I understood. The more time went past, the more it seemed he was getting worse, mentally.

    His life lost structure and on top of that he had a lot of bad news from his family. J also doesn’t like talking about the challenges he is facing. He is a very masculine and strong person. But now he was showing “weaknesses”.

    We never fought. I am extremely understanding and leave it up to him to open up.

    In the last 3 months, I’ve only seen him twice. Once for a day, he was extremely edgy, frustrated and short fused. I was hurt. Before he left, he apologized for his behavior, told me he loved me and left again to the other side of the country. Everything was back to normal.

    A month later I went to visit him for a long weekend at his home on the other side of the country. We were both so excited. A day in, I seemed out of place, like he didn’t want me there. He picked fights with me out of nowhere, for no reason. I don’t buy into fights, but went quiet and told him I was treating on eggshells. Oh boy I had no idea what I triggered in him.

    At this point I knew of his ADHD, but didn’t know too much about it. We spent two days on edge until I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said he didn’t. The last night he was very attached to me and hugged me all night. I left to go back home the next day.

    Again, we were great. Texting each other all day and talking for hours on the phone. But I knew things were getting worse with him. He was falling into this never ending whole of depression. I didn’t know what to do, as I can’t force a conversation on him and didn’t feel like I could share my thoughts with him. Conversations got shorter. I knew he needed time. I sent him a long message sharing my support and thoughts with him.

    He knows I love him for who he is and that I don’t want to change him. I never understood why he kept asking me that question ‘Who do you want me to be?’ over the past months. Until now, learning about ADHD and reading all the books I can get my hands on.

    I told J that I am reading books about it and he said “I should read it too”, very positive.

    On a Saturday night, he told me some terrible family news. Something he kept from me for 2 months, which explains his depression and behavior. Hearing it helped me understand a bit more.

    He was very quiet on the Sunday and obviously very depressed. I felt so helpless as I knew I couldn’t do anything to help him. I left him to watch his motor sport on TV, which I knew is something he is looking forward to. We said we loved each other and said goodnight.

    After that I hadn’t heard from him for 3 days, which is out of character. I was so worried. He then texts me saying that he is struggling and needs some time to himself to sort his life out and wished me a good week. I responded that I respect his space and am glad to hear from him.

    One week later, I heard nothing. I texted and said ‘Hi’, hoping for a response. Nothing.

    Two weeks later I sent him a photo of a beautiful beach and said ‘Thinking of you”. No response.

    Now three weeks later, I heard from a mutual friend that he is working as usual, which I expected. It makes it awkward now, as we’ll be in the same city in a weeks time and I have to pretend things are normal somehow to protect J. But I don’t know if I’ll see him.

    He seems to have me “his distraction” cut out of his life so he can fix his work.

    I tried to call him and left him a message, just saying ‘Hey, just calling to see how you are. Would love to hear from you. Miss you.’ Again, nothing.

    I don’t know what to make of it. I can’t confront him. I’d love to fly and see him, but he hates surprises. I feel so helpless. I am hurt, it’s so painful.

    If he had explained to me he needs 2-4 weeks out to sort his life out, I would have understood. But he went into this silence without warning and I don’t know when he’ll come out of it.

    My closest friends know he disappeared, but I can’t tell them why. They obviously don’t understand, which makes it much harder for me. I actually do understand him, but I need the communication. At least checking in with a text message every now and then to let me know that he needs more time. But I’ve heard absolutely nothing. I can’t take this anymore, it hurts so much.

    I would love to hear from someone with ADHD or an ADHD partner that went through this before. What can I expect? How long will this take? What should I do?

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