Recent Topics

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 6 days ago

    Those intense changes? Those ones I was so proud of for my H that he had accomplished over the past 3 weeks? Yeah... those... Another false start...


    And we are now back to our regularly scheduled - NORMAL programming. Back to the chain smoking and videos. No more projects (even though there is a long list of things he hasnt done in ages). he hasnt done his pushups that he committed too (not to me - to someone else). He never went back up to his 20 minutes on the elliptical (at least he is doing 15 I think - which is GOOD). He did some weights yesterday - not sure what his routine is, or if he is just going on the fly which is what I assume.


    But everything else? yeah... back to the same. I wanted to be proved wrong this time. And I dont think that is happening. Funny how much I WANT to be wrong - soooo very badly about so many things. The backyard is a mess from storms - today we have a small break in them so we will see if he steps up and cleans up. The back deck is a mess again, his nasty cigarettes and empty boxes, nothing straightened, just thrown everywhere...


    Same shit different day and he doesnt see it. Took him 3 days to clean the counters even though there were nasty dead flies on it (I didnt say a word until i finally got grossed out and asked him if he planned on cleaning the counter like he said he would).


    Soon - soon enough all will change. I hate that its all contingent on my sick dog - really messes me up to wish that I could just move forward, and knowing that means my dog will pass. When I DONT want that. I love that dog with my whole heart.

  • by: USAF Civil Servant - 2 months 1 week ago

    I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD, but based on my life history and my neuro-psych testing results "ADHD - highly probable", i believe that i have ADHD (inattentive).  My wife says that i don't try hard enough, that i'm not pulling my weight in the marriage.  She doesn't want to pay to have me tested so someone can us that i have ADHD, because i won't follow thru on anything a therapist suggests (go figure!).  She doesn't really understand ADHD and doesn't want to learn about it.  She says that i am just using it as a "get out of jail free" card when i neglect to do something.  What have others done to get their spouse to understand?

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 1 week ago

    Dede  posted about this guy, and J also posted about him.  This video has REALLY opened my eyes quite a bit to how much trauma CAN affect someone.  So much of this sounds like the ADHD/ADD stuff as well.  I know for my H - what happened to him in childhood is a big precursor and aggravator to hi ADHD tendencies.  I suspect he would not have NEARLY the issues he has with his tendencies had he not experienced his CSA.


    This guy is describing EVERYTHING I could ever hope for my H.



    For those of you working hard on your issues, or who are scared to face them - listen to this guy.  He isnt flashy, he doesnt speak down to you, and he gives things straight up.    


    This is a FANTASTIC video for ANYONE who has struggled with ANY sort of trauma, including the trauma of having a spouse who ghosts you, lies to you, is unfaithful etc... this guys speaks to ALL of us.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 1 week ago

    Vabeachgal posted on an old blog post - and something got me thinking from the orignal poster's ideas.


    They were steps to a "better 2015" ....  this was #3


    "Resolution #3:  Teach yourself self-intimacy.

    Self-intimacy is the foundation of better communication between you and your partner.  It is the ability to identify all of your feelings, not just the ones at the surface, then express them in a constructive way.  So instead of saying “I’m angry!” you might learn to get in touch with what is underneath that anger and say “I’m angry, but really what I am is feeling hurt and left out.”  To improve self-intimacy, start by setting three times a day to reflect on how you are feeling at that moment, searching as deeply as you can.  Setting a reminder alarm will help you remember to do this.  (Hint:  You may think that you are good at this, but I have been humbled by how challenging it can be to identify your own deeper feelings rather than focus on telling your partner what he or she should be doing better!  So, even the most ‘in touch’ partners can use work in this area.)"


    As goofy as this might sound - I think its a pretty good exercise.  I was thinking about my earlier post this morning, and tried to start pin pointing what the real issue was inside that was causing this anger.  I know that from reading many of the stories here that my H - while he has his own demons and issues, has NOT treated me as obviously "bad" as others have had it here.  He has not cheated on me that I am aware of, and if I am sick - he will make sure I have things I need, such as medicine etc, something to drink etc.  In fact - I would say that there was actually a ton of good about him - even with the ADHD stuff. 


    For me - literally the BIGGEST problem I have is his issues of constantly having one foot in and one foot out.  That anytime he stumbles or makes a mistake (be it in his view or mine) its suddenly  - "well, I am broken, I concluded a long time ago this would not work".  And I look at that and wonder WHY then... WHY did you come back to my old house.  WHY did you tell me that you "knew" your life was with me?  Why the lie?  What did you gain?  Was it the lifestyle I provided? 


    When I think about that - it angers me, and so I try to get to the core of it.  And I guess  - what hurts me the most is how insignificant that makes me feel.  I have worked so hard, done so much to make things better for the both of us.  All my decisions and all the work I do has been with BOTH of us in mind.  And when he says things like that - all it makes me think is that he cares about whats easiest for him only.  That he doesnt even care enough about me to be one way or the other.  That makes me feel abandoned, like I trusted someone to be there and they aren't and they don't even feel BAD about it.  I know I am a decent person.  I have a good career, I am responsible, I try to do the right thing and do right by others.  I have literally almost ALL the same interests as my H does - so we *should* have a ton to talk about and a ton to do together.  I keep wondering - whats so wrong with me that I could have everything "right" on paper and yet he cant even find it in him to actually do any thing to stay with me.  He *said* thats what he wanted, he *said* he tried - but he didnt.  To him - all that I am, and all that I bring to the table - none of it is as important as something as insignificant as World of Warcraft?  Thats hurtful.  After everything I have done, sacrificed and put myself through FOR him - reading a book about his OWN CONDITION to perhaps make his MARRIAGE better is too much work?  Too much effort?  To "hard"?   So he just gives up? 


    Cowardice has always made me angry.  I guess because I am scared *ALL THE FREAKING TIME* about stuff - but I have to face it, push through or pay a worse price.  I am terrified of so many things, and yet - I know when pushing through is worth it.  I dont run, I am not a quitter.  And watching him... quit... over and over, watching him be "less than" all the time angers me.  It hurts me because I *DO* it.  I face the fears that he runs from.  He thinks that only he is affected by what happened to him as a child.  But thats not the case - ALL of us around him are, but he cant see it?  My experience is not nearly what his is - but I am certainly what is called a "secondary" victim.  As is his daughter, his mother etc.  But he runs away from it.  Leaves us to clean up his messes and manage things HE should be managing.


    In  many ways I am relieved that this will be over soon.  I wont have to live on those eggshells anymore.  I wont have to feel the stab in my heart every time he chooses to slip back down the hole further.  When he is gone, I will be able to put it behind me.  I will have to do alot of work to recover from this.  I feel like a PTSD victim after all this.  It hurts beyond believe that he can walk around with out feeling any of this.  Its absolutely NOT fair.  He is a vulture that skims off of others kills.  Never doing what it takes to get his own.  And the only care he gives is for as long as he gets some of that kill.  When its gone - so is he to the next one.



  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 1 week ago

    I consistantly have dreams about my soon to be ex H, and out of 7 years, I can count the times he was a positive presence in them on my hands (probably).  Last night I had a dream about him - and I am pretty sure it sums up so much of my frustration...


    In this dream, H wanted to make dinner, which I thought was nice.  However, he kept waitig and waiting to start cooking, so I asked if he wanted some help, or if maybe I should cook this time and him the next day etc - all met with irritation, eye rolls and "I am doing it".  So as he is cooking (finally) he kept getting distracted by his phone which left me to need to check on the meat he was making.  I asked him what it was, and he kept telling me it was a spiced meat etc, that he was going to make into rollups.  I kept trying to get him to tell me the KIND of meat it was, asking him every which way I could think of - even asking what animal it came from etc.  And I swear he was just trying to upset me by not answering.  So finally he said it was pork.  I looked at him and told him - but I dont eat pork - I havent eaten pork EVER (other than bacon - but bacon is meat candy!).  And he looked at me and said "yeah I know" and then got angry at ME because he picked pork to cook.  I wasnt even angry when he told me - just baffled and confused that he would make this - knowing I dont eat it.  And he got so pissed at ME!  He threw down the spatula, started cursing and saying things like "well I guess I am just an idiot"  "nothing ever pleases you" etc.  I was very confused, hurt that he was blaming me and all i wanted to do was just leave and get away from the house.


    As weird as that dream was - it sure does seem to sum up the relationship I have with H.  It depresses me.  Today stupid FB had one of those "memory" videos and had me and him in it.  It made me sad to see it.  I just let it scroll on by.  I watched it - but had no feeling about it other than - well that was bland.


    I am looking forward to rising up. Every day I remind myself who I am, and what my life WILL be.  Right now - my focus is on my sweet little dog, and when he is gone - it will be time for a final push to happiness.  And I know it will be hard, and I know it will take a long time.  Unlike my H - I truly was in love, truly loved him, and truly wanted to spend my life with him.  There is alot to let go of as he slips right back into all his old habbits  and falls away from me.  He will go down into the crevase on the mountain and i will keep climbing.  I feel like I have been trapped in this half world for 7 years... .  A place where I have been abandoned.  I know people have to go through bad times in their life - but I can honestly say the past 6 years have been the absolute most painful and worst years of my life.  Save for the bright times reuniting with my parents .... everything else has turned to ash.  And while I love my parents in law, and my step daughter with my whole heart - I know I have to let go of them too.  THAT hurts... they have been so good to me, and I swear if it wasnt for them - I would have left my current H before anything ever "started".


    Anyhow, coming here helps.  Helps me get my thoughts out, helps to hear the stories and read the feedback.  I know I can be high strung, but I like to think that I am open and willing to see and work on my own faults and issues.  Sometimes in my anger I can be blind to my own tendencies, and I dont want to be like that - even though my home is like living in a vaccume, I am relieved I can come here and actually TALK to people.  Crazy.  I wish I had that with my H.  So many things I wish....  But, wishing is for suckers-  at least in my current situation. 


    Funny thing is - I believe that he thinks he will be able to snap his fingers if he decided he wanted to stay.  He always is saying that about his exes (he is delusional - they have gone on and have pretty happy lives for them).  It is not gonna happen here.  I am committed to this ...breakup.  As much as it hurts, it could not hurt me more than having more years of this treatment, this in/out, hot/cold bait and switch he puts me through.  I have no more desire to be with someone who is so blinded by his own wants and desires that he cannot see the people around him.  I know he has issues, and he has real struggles - I would never belittle those.  However, he is CHOOSING to "keep" them, and I will not spend my life with his monsters and allow them to damage me further.


    My life - while its hard right now - will get infinitely better and easier when he is no longer actively able to hurt me.  I know that I will have a lot to overcome when he leaves, but at least I am doing the work NOW to bet me to that point. Unlike him - I WILL do the work to better myself and my life, and I will reap the rewards of doing it.

  • by: Furby withbentears - 2 months 1 week ago

    1) Having and Dx that others think  that I am just lazy,or scattered, ectI 

    2) Being criticized for having a huge ego, when Im proud of what I have done, and doing e.g BS degree, Trying to recover from PTSD, Having a very succesfull small buisness, and having found a job I can retire on, and USE MY 6 Yrs in the NAVY.  And I don't have a big ego..

    3) Having relationships with people who don't get that positive motivation is KEY.

    4) Having non-judgmental interactions with those who have preconceived expectations of my performance.




  • by: Furby withbentears - 2 months 1 week ago
  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 1 week ago

    He sits out side and chain smokes while watching videos about World of Warcraft.  He is loosing his marriage, his dogs, his home, his vehicle, and instead of ever lifting a finger to make a change to stop it... He pulls up video after video about a game he said he would never play again.


    fuck him.

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 2 months 1 week ago

    I really think I snapped again last night.  The fact that he didnt mention what the day was (late husbands birthday) AT ALL to me, says so much.  The fact that he values me so little that he cant even be bothered to read a book, or a chapter of the book - or anything at ALL to improve our relationship, and to manage his own issues.... says everything.


    I get so angry but I should not be surprised.  He is so addicted to gaming ... he denies it of course, but what i REALLY want to ask him is about how many nights he had dinner with his little girl when she was little?  How many evenings did he help her with his homework?  How many afternoons did he play with her at the part or in the back yard?  RARE TIMES... and yet he lived a mile from her (thats all).... he spent all his time "raiding" and online....  and now, after all of the crap we went through about his gaming (and specifically a very specific game) he spends hours each day watching videos about that game and chain smoking.  Its like he hasnt grown at all.... I know that as soon as he is out of here, the first thing he will do is activate his account again and start playing.  He will sink himself into his game again.  His marriage will be erased from memory and his daughter will continue to grow up and have an essentially absentee father.  Thankfully she does know he loves her as much as he *can* love someone that isnt himself. 


    I used to keep my mouth shut about it because it bothered me so much.  And now-  in the end, it doesnt matter.  Because I wont be in the picture to watch it.  I do feel bad for her though - I love her as if she were mine... .  Thank god she is a pretty solid kid and can deal with so much.  But it is very telling that the one person she never WANTED To live with is her dad.....  even when I did everything I could to make it an option.

  • by: startingover8816 - 2 months 1 week ago

    (sorry for the you/her issue. this stuff was all originally journal entries, some directed at her, others meant for my psych/therapist)

    Ignorance is bliss, for a while. Forgetting everything means forgetting the bad stuff, too. It means that as long as you're not actively angry at me, I forget that you're still hurting and everything in my little bubble is fine. My wife is happy, my baby is happy, so I'm happy. But that doesn't last forever. Only until the next fight. Which is inevitable, because the same issue that caused that last fight, the same issue I promised to fix, the same issue that I forget pisses you off, will happen again. And you'll get angry again. And I'll apologize and make promises again. But your heart grows a little bit harder, retreats into hiding a little bit more each time. Until finally there is nothing left. I have caused you to completely hide your heart from me. Not out of fear, or anger, but pain. And by then, it's too late.


    It doesn't matter what songs I send you. I doesn't matter what letters I write you. I've said it all before. Promised relief, hope, change. Broken promises. Not because of hate, or spite, or malice. I had every intention of keeping every promise I've ever made you. And then a few days go by and my brain forgets that I ever said that. Even if I happen to realize I'm forgetting something, I try to remember, and get nothing.


    I know that everything that is happening is the result of my actions, BUT I WANT TO BE ANGRY! I want to be angry over the fact that for the entire time I've ever known her she has abhorred cheating (due to her parents both cheating on each other time and time again), and then she cheated on me. I want to be angry that when I first found out and confronted her, she said they would stop (and the sex then got amazing, but apparently that was guilt? distraction?), and then I find out a month later that they were still seeing each other. "I care for him" she said. YEAH, AND I CARED ABOUT MY FRIEND BUT SHE WAS CAUSING US ISSUES SO I STOPPED ALL CONTACT WITH HER IMMEDIATELY (don't misinterpret this, though, this isn't about her. she's part of a past I've left behind). I want to be angry that she put up with my stupid bullshit for nearly 10 years, and then decides to leave when I finally get my head out of my ass long enough to actually follow through on getting diagnosed and starting meds and am now able to start making actual progress towards getting better. I want to be angry, but if anything I'm only angry at myself.


    The current split of responsibility is weighted heavily towards me doing as much as possible. which not only do I not mind, I actively decline her assistance, encouraging her to get more rest. I view it as penance for what I've done. plus I hope that it leads to a change in her feelings towards me. I only have to get DD ready for school, while she watches DD all afternoon/evening, so there is that. Now, although I've become a proverbial doormat, she doesn't abuse it. but, she does utilize her new-found privilege. I watch DD on my nights off so that she can go hang out with her friends (and possible lover. I don't know the status of them, and frankly I don't give a fuck any more). but if we're done, what incentive do i have to continue down this path? currently i pay all the bills, and her money is mostly play money for her. so she has the funds to go to concerts, and events, and the bar, and out to dinner, and her games, and her coffee, while I've got nothing left over. there are also upcoming concerts where she needs me to take a vacation night to watch DD so she can go.


    But I don't want her to stop doing any of that! I want her to still hang out with her friends. I want her to go to her events. I want her to be HAPPY. The only thing different that I want is to hold her hand again... to embrace her body.... to crawl into bed and the end of my day and pet her head and snuggle until I fall asleep...


    But I recognize that maybe HAPPY doesn't include me by her side.