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  • by: fero - 3 months 1 week ago

    We've been together for 23 years. For 18 years, I've had severe ME and am housebound, a wheelchair user, prone to exhaustion, limited in what I can do.

    We lived with my parents for 13 years until we could afford to move out. I was always so grateful he stuck with me when I became ill. We waited a long time to get a home of our own.

    Over the last ten years together, we had arguments over his lack of help around the house. I have been left to do everything except mow the lawn and service the car. The house is a mess because no matter how i try to organise things, he won't do the tiniest things to prevent mess and chaos. We don't have visitors because of the mess.

    Five years ago, his father died, and my H went to pieces. He stopped taking me out once a week, and started blaming me for why we didn't see his family. He stopped listening to me and wouldn't talk. He stopped wanting intimacy, and if I tried to ask him about the way things were going, he would shut down or say I didn't understand because I hadn't lost a father.

    Alone sums up the last 5 years for me.

    When I try and tell him how bad things are for me, he tells me how bad things are for him.

    A year ago, I stopped loving him because his behaviour seemed so cruel. I couldn't leave - where would I go? I stopped asking him anything, tried not to get angry and left him to his work. I focussed on getting myself better rather than being angry with him. We've been living seperate lives in the same house.

    Last week,  I asked him why I was here if he didn't even speak to me anymore. He took it seriously - he was upset. He thought we were getting on well (sigh). But he told me he had no time for me because of his work, and looking out for his mum (who he takes out every week and sees every weekend). He is utterly adamant that there is nothing he can do to change things, that he is overwhelmed as it is,

    I came across adhd sites, and found word for word the arguments we were having.

    I know I have half the adhd symptoms - reacting emotionally, being impulsive (used to be, anyway!), not maintaining friendships. But I can plan and organise - I have to to manage my illness. To go out, I need to know days in advance because I can't even take a shower without taking in account what else needs to be done that day (or my energy will crash and I will become ill).

    My husband cannot remember to put anything back in its place. He can't remember what he goes out for, and disappears for hours at a time, He doesn't understand that there's anything wrong in what he does, and never plans a trip for us (hence, we never going out). He doesn't tell me he won't be home for dinner, or that he's going away for a week until the day before. He doesn't know any or my likes or dislikes, and only does xmas shopping on xmas eve. He can't stick to a budget or remember a birthday. He has never remembered our anniversary.

    I realise that I have organised everything we've ever done - apart from the weekend in winter in an unheated house with no power - that was his idea of a holiday.

    I've told him about adhd and he accepts it makes sense of his life. I can't say how my adhd affects things - I have no one to ask apart from him, but I now know that he sees a very different reality to the one I see. His judgement is not to be trusted.

    Sorry about the long post. I don't even know what I'm asking. But it seems impossible? I can only do things if I plan ahead. He can only do things by not planning. There is no middle ground, and I've been unhappy with him for a decade. He wants us to be together, but doesn't get that I can't sit on my own in this house anymore waiting for him.

    Any views, comments, advice... 

     

     

      

     

     

     

     

  • by: SpaceyStacey197... - 3 months 1 week ago

    Yesterday I got irritated with my husband. We had alot to get done, and he spend most of the day on FB and watching TV news (I get it - post election stuff etc).  But I was swamped at work, and felt like he wasnt doing his part.  So I was getting really frustrated with him.  I finally had to ask him if he planned to get some of the stuff taken care of and he got a little annoyed with me.  I was clearly irritated when I spoke to him, so his reaction was expected.  I didnt care though because I just had too much on my plate and he had committed to managing some of the tasks.  After a few minutes, I thought about it and realized that I had probabaly come off as pretty harsh.  So I apologized to him for coming off that way, that I was under pressure and should not have acted in that way.  I explained to him that I knew he was adjusting to his schedule but that I needed his help with things still.  He smiled and said he totally understood, and that he would work on it.

     

    This morning,  I again got a bit frustrated with my husband.  It has started to feel like I have to nag him to get things done (that he had been doing as part of his outstanding new habits and changes he made - especially after our talk yesterday).  I knew that it would take a while for him to get into the swing of his new job, but its been 2 months.  He has fallen back on some of his old bad habits and has been slipping into doing things half assed again.  While I have been trying to pick up the slack until he could get a hold of his routine, it just seemed like instead of getting better it was getting a bit worse.  And then when we had such a good interaction on things  yesterday, this morning it kinda bugged me that it seemed almost like it didnt matter (it DID, its just that I was tired from not sleeping well, had bad dreams all night, and feeling pressure from what I had to get done today on top of feeling like crap for AGAIN eating bad last night because I was just so dammed tired.  NONE of that is his fault, its my own issues, and I was letting it fuel my frustration).

     

    So today, when I saw the big stew pot that he was supposed to have washed 3 days ago still on the stove, getting stinkier... and the counter top gross with grease and food again (after I had scrubbed it earlier) my frustration level got a bit high and I wanted to get onto him about it.  But I didnt want to follow the same pattern we have had over the years that SUCKED.  So I was trying to just suck it up and figure out the best way to deal.  I walked by him and he said I looked angry, and I said I wasnt and went to go get my coffee (it wasnt really a lie, I am not angry, just frustrated and at that moment I felt like it was pointless to even bother or try).  But then I realized, that to break the pattern I just needed to be honest with how I felt (and not react with that frustration like I did yesterday).  So I turned around and told him that I wasnt angry but that I was frustrated about the pot.  And he at first looked like he was going to be annoyed, but then he looked at me and said you are right, I dont know why I didnt take care of it, smiled and said he would deal with it.  That was great!  So I wanted to explain why the frustration was there, since truly it wasnt just the pot.  That was just a symptom of the deeper problem.  So i told him that it wasnt just the pot, it was that I felt like I was having to start asking him to do the things he should be doing again - like how things were before he made such a significant change.

     

    Every day off he has had since he started working has turned into him loosing focus and not doing the things he committed to which has fed this.  Again, I took that as him trying to adjust to his new schedule. I do think he needs to do a little better, but he is reacting in a positive way when *I* am not attacking. I hope that I am on the right track here.  I am trying to help him and build him up, and him being lazy and slacking isnt going to do him ANY good and it certainly will make my life alot more miserable.

     

    I hope that I did this right.

  • by: JJamieson - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    Before I forget...I wanted to recount as I see it...a successful interaction with my wife and what I have come to understand better?  The problems we run into so many times...is within my wife's ability to say what she means or even say...what she is thinking in way that makes any sense to me?  There is a bit of logic or a piece to this puzzle always missing and this is where I walk head long into trouble because I just can't see it?  There is a reason why....however, I can't see it with my wife in that...she doesn't tell me that piece that is missing and its the piece that is necessary..for me to see it?  What happened this morning....helped me see?

    When I walked into the room...my wife appeared emotionally distraught as if she had been or was crying?  We had just checked in with the election results and as is.....Trump won and Hillary lost.  I got in context...this is what she was crying about?  What was not clear or to me at least....to the level that this would cause her to be upset ( to that level??? ) was and has been somewhat unclear until she made one comment that put this all into perspective for me?  I asked if Hillary's loss was what was so upsetting and she said yes....which I said "I'm sorry she didn't win...that must be disappointing for you?".  In which she replied "you wouldn't understand.....you're not a woman."   ( buzzzzzzzzzzz- errrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!! )  Stop right there!!!!

    What I understand....is that the candidate of her choice for President ( in this case mine as well ) didn't win and that is disappointing?  I also understand....that if she had won....this would have been a historical event in that...this would have been the first woman to be President?  I also understand...that the popular vote ( last time I checked ) was 2 tenths..of 1 % in Hillary's favor which is the same as ( in my mind ) saying the popular vote for all intensive purposes was 50% to 50%.....nearly if almost exactly that?  2 10ths of 1%...is a drop in the bucket if not less than that?  But of course...that's not what determines the winner and as far as that goes.....the winner is the one who gets the most votes in all categories.  I also understand....that this would be a victory in a sense...for woman in respect to being validated or in terms of having some resolution to the seeming inequality that is there?  I also think....if a man was in the same place as Hillary.....HE....might have won based on the small percentage of voters out there ( who ever they are ) that might not have voted for a woman...if a woman had not been that choice and it had been a man instead?  It was so close...that I do think that in this case....that might have made the difference?

    But what is not clear or has not been clear to me....is why this is such a personal thing for my wife...and her seemingly preoccupation with the Gender aspect since Hillary.;....was not perfect and there were a lot of reasons or skeletons in her closet...that was probably more to do with peoples choices...than just voting for a woman....because she's a woman without considering that maybe......between the two choices......neither one was a good one but it was more of a toss up...between the lessor of two evils if you put it that way?  It isn't a beauty contest or a popularity contest in that respect?  The job at hand is President....and 1/2 the people voted for Hillary....any way?  What is this personalization and identification thing here and what does that mean?

    I've made this argument once before...with a co-worker who was offended when everyone was making fun of Sarah Palin...because she represented the Christian Right Wing....which is what he stood for or believed in?  To the point...he got angry with everyone in the room for speaking about Sarah Palin's inability to be coherent...and apparently seemingly.....kind of out there in her thinking and just plain Bullshitting when she was asked a direct question like...."which magazines do you read? "   Ahp.. blp....eh...er......All of Them!!! "  This is what we all were making fun of...and our co-worker took offense at this????? Like Huh??

      I turned to this fellow and said....."So if Adolf Hitler....was running for President...and he represented to Christian Right Wing.....you'd vote for him?"  Ahp...blp....eh...er.....Christian are being Persecuted for Believing what they Believe!!!! "  Is what he said?  And I said..."In this country?  Persecuted?  That sounds like "ancient talk"...going back a couple of thousand years?  "Where are Christians being persecuted in this country as in you....a white, middle aged man in America?  Of all the people who are not being "persecuted "....in this country.....white, middle aged men who are Christians....are the least likely of ALL  people being persecuted in this country?  In fact.....white, middle aged MEN who are Christians in this country....comprise probably the least persecuted group ( as whole ) of any one segment of society of anywhere on the this planet....who could say they are being treated unfairly and have to deal with being persecuted?  How do you figure?"

    "Well....they are somewhere!!!!"  and then he just got angry and we all left him alone??  What was more like it....is that he was feeling personally persecuted and feeling things were unfair to him personally...and this somehow was an insult to him personally....to make fun of Sarah Palin.....despite the obvious?  And yes.....he would have voted for Adolf....IF he had been in Sarah place instead but would not concede even after I weaseled that out of him later when it got right down to saying "yes" or" no"...because the answer was yes....and that was where he was simply not going to admit it?

    And in the same way.....this election, Hillary and what that meant to my wife....meant more than just meets the eye...and was more than just electing a President?  By winning the Presidential election.....it would mean more to her....than just that and within that....this is where what I'm calling....."a hidden agenda" comes into play?  What ever that "hidden agenda" is...and why it's so important....is why my wife was crying and what she is not able to say?  This is that hidden peice of the puzzle or bit of logic missing..that no one knows except my wife...but she's just not telling?  It appears to be the same thing to me...as saying.....I'm upset that you are making fun of Sarah Palins ability to be forth right and not just make stuff up and saying....ALL magazines......and everyone going..."that doesn't sound like an honest answer to me but I could be wrong....but I don't think I am?  That was an evasive answer...to simple a question?  She said she read lots of magazines and was quoting them by saying this is where I get my information?  So when asked which ones.....you'd think she could tell you...right?"  Otherwise....she's lying....one might think?  So to argue that she's  being Persecuted like Christians are  ( somewhere but not in America???? unstated however completely irrelevant to the topic, Presidential Elections or the price of Tea in China no less??? lol )  by a white middle aged man living in America.....doesn't appear to make a lot of sense as to why he would get angry....and yet....cannot explain it? ( and not make any logical connection to his anger...and Sarah Palin?????  Coming from a white, middle aged man in America? 

    And in terms that I can understand?  I voted for Hillary...but she lost.  The point of having an election...is to pick one.... and then one person wins and one person loses?  Winner takes all....that's the way it's suppose to work?  What does this mean to me?  We have a new President..and the person I voted for lost?  It doesn't cause me to cry however....because this is how it works?  This was not a blow for women rights or a sign of gender bias or  ( persecution???)  On the contrary.......50% or all voters ...voted for a woman.....and Trump won fair and square?  No one cheated or tried to pull a fast one.  If you play a game .....and win fair and square....then congratulations are in order...for winning over the competition and giving them credit..where credit is due?  May the best Man ( or Woman ) win on a level playing field which is exactly what you had...and is exactly what happened?  So what...there might be a few who didn't vote for Hillary because she's a woman....but that argument doesn't hold a lot of water...seeing how an African American man won for the last two terms and he was BlACK!!!  OMG!!!  You think....a Black Man.....living in this country....has it worse ( or has had it worse?? ) than a white woman in America?  Thinking.....I don't recall white women...being strung up and lynched by the neck...just for being a while woman in America?  That's not saying anything to gender bais or unfair treatment when the playing field is level ...and you don't get picked to do a job?  As I pointed out to my wife....Hillary....was no Angel and she certainly had some faults and some skeletons in her closet too?  She was by any means available...a Politician...and she knew the score?  In this case...there is ONLY ONE team...and that's Team America.....no matter which way the cookie crumbles?  This isn't battle for the network Stars between the Men and the Women and is not a gender battle to see who's better...a man or a woman?  This is just picking the team....but we're all on the same one?  ( there's no crying in Baseball??? As Tom Hanks so poignantly said in the movie "A League of Their Own" ) Or are we?  This is where I get soooooo confused??

    This does not compute?  I am not programmed to respond in this area?  Is all I can say? lol

     

    J

  • by: sensativa - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    So, I just have to point out I have Aspergers syndrome, and my fiancé has a combination of ADHD and Aspergers. We've been together for 4 years. And I apologize if this post gets EXTREMELY long, but I really feel like I need help here.

     

    Now, whenever I try to talk calmly about issues in the relationship or things he might have said or done that made me angry, hurt or sad, he turns to "stonewalling" and starts deflecting his feelings on me, then storm off if he feels I've "talked too much about it". But I can barely start talking about the issue until he's "had enough" of it! Then he wants us to pretend it never happened. If I try to bring it up anytime after that, he immediately grows cold and distant, then "stonewalls" me again.

    He's always been like this, and even used to resort to making his parents "resolve" our issues for us (meaning chewing me out for "not respecting his disabilities" and "not understanding him and his ADHD" or other things I've apparently done wrong that ALWAYS had to do with his ADHD, not even mentioning once that I also have a disability, which for the record I'd NEVER blame on him or "use" as a weapon against him...) And I never told them off, I just silently agreed and promised not to "make him uncomfortable ever again". Yeah, I'm a bit of a people-pleaser.

    They don't do that anymore and actually value me as a human being for once in our relationship, but the stonewalling and "fleeing" from arguments, or whenever he perceives something as an argument, still happens. He's just not bringing the parents into it. (Probably still tells them a lot worse things than what actually happened, though, and they're silently judging me...)

    Not only is his behavior incredibly embarrassing having to deal with in front of my parents (who don't and NEVER would intervene unless he got violent, but obviously they get worried about me getting sad and upset and trying to hide it in front of them), but it also makes me feel like an idiot for even trying to talk to my fiancé like an adult.

    I'm not trying to pin him on anything, I just want to have a normal discussion without conflict like a freaking adult, for Pete's sake! Why is that such an impossible feat to achieve with him?!

    He's actually, just now, stormed out right in front of my family when I tried talking to him in private and refused to talk to me anymore. He literally just took his stuff from my room, stormed right past everyone and just left, glaring at me and then shutting the door.

    Can anyone please give me advice on how to keep on to my sanity and maybe, just maybe, make this work? I'm really out of ideas at this point.

  • by: waldewin - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    Hi all, 

    I just need to get things out in order to gain some clarity. My ADHD partner wants me to join him in his home country. For me it would mean having to rely on him at least for a while as I would have to learn the language in order to qualify for jobs. It does not seem that he will be much help in me finding a job either. He seems to be sure that he will find a job, but has struggled with it in the past. We are currently living in third country and he does not have a job (lives on unemployment benefits). In the past he has multiple times overspent and left me paying his part of the rent. He is doing better financially these days, but is still challenged by a lot of things. However, I have to admit that he has definitely put in an effort. 

    What concerns me more is what I perceive his somewhat selfish behavior. He is not willing to discuss any other options and he tells me that having a family with me would be a comprmise. In his ideal life he would choose a rather unsteady career over a family. It angers and hurts me the way he makes the relationship and having a family somewhat my issue and hence also assumes that I will have to go to lengths to make it happen. He does not even consider moving to my home country. OK, I can understand his concerns about this. But somehow the way he presents everything makes me really doubt the relationship. He gets angry at me for not making a decision- whether I want to follow him or not. He tells me that this is just because I want to have a family, otherwise we could continue in our current country of residence where he could pursue the career of his dreams. It seems to me that he is making everything sound like a giant favor to me and has very little concern for my feelings. In addition, when we were still discussing him moving to my home country, I actually asked around, looked at job anouncements, gave him multiple suggestions- which he thought were all worthless. He has not asked around, not looked at any jobs, but just assumes me to find a job on my own. He has also told me that if I am not following him, we will be breaking up. 

    I feel like a battered wife. Like someone who is manipulated into decision and whose concerns and emotions are not relevant. I have felt like this in the past as well with several other topics which I have brought up, such as him flirting with other women. He made the whole issue about my insecurities as a woman, neglecting his role in it. Now I feel that he is again trying to override me with his wishes and concerns and telling me that it is his way or highway. I feel that I have kept changing and changing, compromising and compromising and all I get for this is him expecting me to even go further. When I offered my moving to my homecountry as an option, he called me selfish and told me how I want to make him give up everything. Option to move to his homecountry however is still somehow a favor to me- because it gives us an option to have kids. I somehow feel that he is twisting everything. 

    I know I could manage moving, but I am having my doubts about a partner who I feel does not take my concerns seriously and often puts them off as a sign of my personal misgivings (he actually told me that me wanting to have kids is a sign of me feeling unlovable and wanting a child to compensate for this feeling). Am I overreacting? I feel I need an opinion of a bystander. I feel that something is wrong here, but I am not sure if my instincts and feelings are right. 

     

  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I have been married 26 years. My H has not been to a therapist all our marriage. His mother and brothers all have bipolar or an issue. He claims to have ADHD, I feel he is bipolar and definitely has Narcissistic traaits. He has temper, loses jobs, blames the world, etc. everyone knows the story. He won't go get help, he is prideful. EVERYONE sees an issue, those that hate him and those that love him. He is a charmer of women and has groupies since he is a DJ and loves to dance, etc. 

    As his wife, I see everything and I see the child when he gets home. I am pretty much invisible until he wants sex. He is a good man but that doesn't make him a good husband. He loves sex but that does not make him romantic. I am pretty much disconnected emotionally despite trying very hard to tell him over 26 years how I feel. I stay due to my belief in marriage and also for compassion sake. But I have left emotionally. 

    The reason I write this is to find out how you have reinvented yourself in a situation where you are not married to someone fulfilling their promise or the role they should. In my case, my husband is Jeckyll and Hyde and is stuck at 14 yrs old. 

    In the AM I get ready for work. He works Saturday only. I have been there 10 yrs. He loses jobs yearly and has ventures and ideas yearly and living off settlement money from his mother's death. He can dream and invest and fail and not get a job other than things he loves. He is always having problems with people and rubbing people the wrong way. He stays in bed while I am getting ready and I leave without saying goodbye. It is no longer important to me. Why? Well, he can walk by me to use the bathroom, I say good morning, he says nothing and then passes by me to go back to bed. No words, like this AM. If he wanted to wish me a good morning and kiss me goodbye and wish me a good day, he would have. I would love that. I have even wanted to have bfast with him and have quality time before I go but he is cozy in bed so I have decided not to put forth effort to say goodbye. What is the point when he is sitting in the living room in his Archie Bunker chair when I get home from work at 5PM. He stays there until 2 or 3 AM with his laptop watching The Flash or some other sci fi show. He doesn't say goodnight. I just take a hot bath to relax, drink a glass of wine or tea and go to bed by 9:30 PM. I am nice to him, answer his small talk, and just do my thing while he looks through me. Sometime dinner is made and sometimes not. He sits with a moat of papers, electronics and wires all around him, and bowls of eaten food too. He is a hoarder and does not help with the apt other than dishes. I don't complain anymore since he gets upset, like I am only pointing out his flaws. I just do it myself and pretend I am single. 

    This repeats everyday. On weekends, he makes his plans and I make mine. I do try to invite him although at times I don't since he is obnoxious and our friends can only take him in doses. 

    Anyway, he is addicted to tv/laptop and this has been discussed often until I left him for a month due to his temper and failing me emotionally. He did nothing but pout and complain that I abandoned him. He never chased after me and was angry that now his secret was out. I went back after he promised to go to therapy. His temper is hidden now but the child remains. 

    So......what have you done to move on with your life while being married to a kid? 

    I love myself, have great friends, love music, I love my job, love God, practice my religion, go to coffee houses, love to sing and do Karaoke, love the beach, make plans, go to bed alone and early and try to like it despite being a hopeless romantic, get up alone and get ready for my fab job which I have to keep to cover his medical insurance and also keep up my half of the bills. 

    It's just a shame that here we are, everyday I try to convince myself that I can do this, smile and be positive but I also know that deep inside I never wanted it to be like this. If only he did his part, he could have such an awesome marriage and have it all! I have a love like that of a friend/sister that feels bad for him but I can't say that I would be broken up if he left however that would happen. How can you be in love with someone that you don't know at times, doesn't see you, is nice to you for a few minutes, doesn't talk to you the whole day and is not humble enough to act on what everyone knows?  I am 43 years old married to a 49 year old that is stuck at 15. It will not change either. I am so glad that I have learned from my breakdowns, weak moments and am still strong. So I am trying hard to stay fresh and young and fun and exciting at least so that I can enjoy my single married life. 

     

    Much love!

  • by: Mapper - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I can't believe anything that comes out of H's mouth anymore. And I'm not talking life-altering things, I'm simply talking about him coming up with these great ideas to do something-him, all on his own without a hint from me- to go have fun, and then when the time comes to do them, he has no desire to follow through. I laid in bed and cried last night because I am so tired of these empty promises and knowing when he gets all excited about doing something that I shouldn't get excited because it most likely won’t happen. I even had a dream last night that I left him by sneaking away while he was occupied playing his stupid video game!

     

    Here’s a list of just the past few months of him bringing up stuff to do and then not following through.

    1. He brought up the idea of going to have wings at this sports bar and watch the game there. I was shocked that he wanted to do that and said “Well it will probably be packed” and he goes “So? We’ve done it before and I could go for some wings”. So I’m looking forward to getting out of the house for a few hours, but sure enough the next morning when I say to him at 11AM if he is still up for going he goes “Well I’m not sure I’m really up for it”. Then at noon says “Well I guess we could go as it’s something to do….or we could just take a nap”. Obviously he didn’t want to go so I told him to go take his nap.
    2. He’s been excited for months about this movie that just came out last weekend. Couldn’t stop talking about how awesome it’s going to be and a week ago said we’d go see it last weekend. He gets home Friday night and once again says he needs to see what time the movie is playing on Sunday so we can go. Sunday morning we go out for brunch (which is amazing he wanted to do that) and I tell him that I’ll buy brunch and he can by the movie. He sort of hesitates and goes “ok”. We get home around 11:30 and he changes back into his sweats and sits at his computer. I asked him if he checked movie times and he goes “No, I haven’t gotten around to it”. Well I know where this is going. About 1:00 I say “So I assume we aren’t going to the movie then”? He goes “Well lets go tomorrow night instead. It will be a lot less crowded”. Sure. Sure we will. As predicted, I get home from work last night and within 10 seconds he tells me “We aren’t going to go see the movie tonight. We need to save money”. Really? Yesterday you had no problem with us going and spending $45 on brunch when we could just as easily made it at home, but now we can’t spend $20 at a movie? But I know you give all this money to fund this silly video game! 
    3. Back in August I had my company picnic. I asked him 2 weeks prior if he wanted to go and he said “Yes! Sounds like fun”. Then a couple days beforehand I tell him “I need to RSVP so are you going to come?” He hems and haws and goes “Why don’t you just go without me. Last time all we did is just sit around and eat and it was kind of boring and this way you don’t have to drag me around with you”.
    4. He’s been on me to take my car in for an alignment. He knows how much I HATE doing car stuff because it gives me so much anxiety. I say to him yesterday that I’ll make an appt to get the alignment done and he says “Yeah just take it to this one place and have them take a look at it.” I say “But just have them do the alignment and nothing else, right?” He goes “Well no don’t have them do the alignment. Have them put it up on a lift and see if they can see what that clunking noise is because an alignment won’t do any good if something is wrong underneath”. You TOLD me again and again to take it in for an alignment and now he’s saying “Well no do have them do anything to it, just have them take a look”. Then he proceeds to tell me to have them look at such and such, but not such and such and have them write down such and such. Every damn time I take the car in I end up coming home and having him say “Well why did you let them do that? You should have called me beforehand” or “Why didn’t you tell them to look at this?”. Every time he ends up complaining about what I did or didn’t have done, when he knows exactly what needs to be done and he can deal with mechanics. He finally says that he can take the car in one morning and drop it off on his way to work because there’s a shop ½ mile down the road from his work. I tell him thank you because I just get too worked up dealing with car stuff. He says he’ll take it in this week and just have someone from work pick him up at the shop. Then 15 minutes later he tells me “Well I’ll just take it in next Monday on my day off.” You wanna bet? He doesn’t like to leave the house on his day off and I know I’ll come home that day and he’ll go “Well I never went and took the car up there, but I’ll do it NEXT Monday.” He knows cars, he’s worked on several as a mechanic, but I’ll be damned if he wants to take care of ours. He even told me that he’ll be my car mechanic as long as I buy the necessary parts. But he can’t be bothered to do ANYTHING on his day off because….it’s his day off! Yet on my days off I’m cleaning, running errands, doing yardwork.
    5. Two Sunday’s from now we are having a football party at our work where all the families are invited and there will be games and drinks and food and then we’ll watch the game on the big screen. I was all excited about this last month but now I don’t even want to ask H if he wants to go because I KNOW he’ll say “Oh that sounds like fun” and the day of he won’t want to go. And I don’t want to go by myself because it’s just awkward to be there alone when everyone else is with their family. If I keep quiet about it and then say the day of “Oh they are having their football party at work today” and H will go “They are? Why didn’t you say something? That would have been fun to go to.”
    6. He signed up to take a knife skills class at Sur la Table next week. He asked me if I wanted to join him, but I didn’t want to pay $60 to go learn how to use a knife correctly as I have no desire (and you know, we're saving money, which of course didn't apply to that apparently!). At least I told him no and didn’t say “Oh that sounds like fun” and then bail out on the day of! But I bet you anything, he is not going to go to the class. He paid $60 which is non-refundable, but he’ll get off of work and then the LAST thing he’s going to want to do is travel in traffic, sit in a 2 ½ hour class and not get home until 9:30 at night. He’ll want to come home and play his video game. Forget about losing $60!
    7. Last year his buddy bought him a ticket (which H paid back) to go to a concert with him. He bought the ticket months in advance and of course H was totally on board with going to this “epic” concert. Well the day of the concert he of course had no desire to go so he once again lost a bunch of money because he didn’t want to leave the house.

     

    I’m just so damn tired of being disappointed. I’ve never known anyone who doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Whenever I bring up an idea, it gets knocked down by him that he’d just rather stay home than spend money. Okay you don’t want to spend money, which is a good thing, but there’s no consistency in it. He’ll say that we can’t go to a movie because we need to save money, yet then spend $50/week on lunch because he can’t be bothered to make his own. He’ll go out with the guys after work and spend $50 on booze. He’ll spend hundreds of dollars on these t-shirts and souvenirs for this video game, but then gets all frugal when it involves us going out and doing something. And I know it’s just his way of making an excuse because he doesn’t want to do anything.

  • by: AdeleS6845 - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I don't know which behaviors  to attribute to ADHD and which are "just the way he is". I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year,  In the spring, he lied to me about smoking pot, and apologized for not being honest with me.  I explained that lying hurt me, that I felt as if I weren't worthy of the truth. 

    Fast forward to two weeks ago.  The signs were there.  I know when something is off between us.  I came over to his place, and there was an apology card/note, along with some flowers.

    He admitted smoking again.  Ha had been under alot of stress lately, and smoking calms him down.  He said : I need to find a way to tell you, but I don't know how.  I don't want to hurt you".

    This morning, I found a vial on the coffee table, when I was cleaning.  It looked like a tube from an eyeglass repair kit.  On the tube was a sticker that said The Clear Blue Raz.  I didn't know what it was so I Googled it.

    Technically, he isn't smoking pot.  He is dabbing, a term my sister used.  I didn't know what it was.  She says it can be dangerous, because it contains a heavy dose of THC.  She said the percentage back when she used to use it was around 5-10% THC.  Now, its upward of 90%.  She said that people have had seizures, and passed out from using it.  Even when purchasing it from a dispensary.

    I am worried about him.  I am upset about his lying but I don't know what to do.  I've spent hours crying and upset.  

  • by: overwhelmedwife - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I found an old post by Melissa Orlov where she said:

    ""There is not one single diagnostic statement that suggests that anger is one of the symptoms of ADHD.  Not one.  He needs to go back to his doctor immediately and work this out.  Probably some therapy would help as part of that treatment.""

     

    I agree.  

     

    We often see posts from people stating that their partners have ADHD and the people provide stories that include lots of anger.

     

     

  • by: rricenator - 3 months 2 weeks ago

    I'm quite new to trying to find answers and help...I. The ADHD spouse, and my wife is a sufferer of Bipolar I. She sees things so clearly, and has no hesitation or indecision

    I, however, suffer incessantly from self doubt, paralysis during crisis, and an inability to prioritize. The difference in our personalities is stark, and infuriating, to her.

    I am over 40, and have read a lot, learned a lot, and have ideas how to address our problems and rebuild our relationship. But we've been married 17years, have two wonderful children, and she has been seeking therapy for years. I am seen as complacent, drifting, inconsistent, and not taking our problems seriously. And I don't deny it. I try, I want to change. I make efforts every day, but I haven't made enough measureable progress and it's been way too long. My wife informed me today that trying to a ave us is no longer an option, and I need to focus on not screwing up the kids. 

    I didn't learn enough soon enough. My advice is never ignore a diagnosis, and learn TOGETHER as much as you can as early as you can. Make a plan, seek help, don't ever let it slide.

     

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