Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Fears of Marriage by: shanadawn26 4 months 1 week ago

    Hello everyone... I am the non-adhd person. I am really scared about getting married! I just don't know if I have the patience for this. I hate to say it but I feel like a mother to a 36 year old kid. I have read other peoples struggles and I totally relate. He moves stuff or throws things away but doesn't believe he did it. We are the only 2 in the house! (He says "if I did that then I am sorry" I want to strangle him when he says that!!) I make a chore list because he "doesn't know what to do" so he wanted it written down... he has never looked at it. I have to every morning write on a piece of paper what 2 things I need him to do. I have to constantly tell him to do stuff that should be just normal things. It's very frustrating. He also believes he is "handling it" but he isn't. He feels he is trying but I don't see it. It almost seems like he really has no insight into himself if that makes sense. Also I feel alone most of the time. I talk to him but he can't emotionally be there. He can repeat what I said but that's just repeating...no emotional connection there, is this normal for adhd? 

    He really is a sweet guy and loves me more than anyone could. But social skills are horrible. I try to get him to read articles or books but he doesn't. It's really hard since we work different shifts so the weekends are when we really see each other. How do you guys handle this stuff? Any coping skills or techniques you could help me to learn? I would like to put the wedding off but it would kill him and I feel it's just to late to stop it (Sept 30th). I fear the "forever" part. HELP!!! 

     

    Thanks! 

  • Fears about co-parenting by: Evie_K 4 months 2 weeks ago

    Hi everyone. My husband has ADHD and it has taken a huge toll on our relationship, due to infidelity and aggression on top of all the other stuff. We have a baby girl who is crawling and I am terrified of leaving her in his care. I have found ADHD medication lying around on the carpet because he doesn't store them properly. He empties the contents of his pockets (nails, screws) in random locations without thinking about it. She has been hurt a number of times under his care because of him being forgetful and distracted. He tries to drink hot coffee while giving her a bath. One time he was distracted and her head would have gone underwater if I had not intervened. 

    I know I'm not supposed to parent him, and I don't want to, but I'm incredibly fearful something will happen to the baby. 

    He takes medication and goes to counselling. I don't believe he does any of the "homework" though because he's "too busy". 

    Does anyone have any advice on how to co-parent with an ADHD spouse?

  • New to all this and need suggestions by: firetuck 4 months 2 weeks ago

    I'm the non ADHD spouse.   We bought the ADHD Effect on Marriage book and we were both reading it.  It was very emotional for my spouse.  We both were amazed at how it seemed someone was watching us live our lives and writing a book about it!  I went on to read The Dance of Anger and found it very insightful.  My dilemna is that my spouse has not finished reading the first book and shows no signs of doing so.   Is there a way for me to ask him about it,  remind him or otherwise suggest he get back to it without him feeling threatened or judged?  I've adapted how I'm acting with him because of the books.   But now he seems to think everything is okay and he doesn't need to do anything else.   Actually, no, I'm sure it's just that he's moved on and has forgotten we were even reading it.  Help!  Pretty sure I'm going to sign us up for the live counseling in the fall but that's a LONG time from now.  I know that any change he makes has to come from him.   But what do I do if he makes no progress towards that? 

  • Resource - Married But Lonely Video and Book by: shine1 4 months 2 weeks ago

    Hello Community,

    I first found this resource through the show video link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XB1Hj2K2XZc  and then got and read the book. I am a Christian and see many of us struggling with the whole aspect of our feelings about our ADHD spouses on many aspects and levels. I want to offer this resource by Dr. David Clarke as it has helped me immensely to see God's Word on my marriage so much clearer because I believe the biggest anx many of us have is not wanting to be out of God's will--especially if one's wants/needs to leave the spouse. 

    Blessings & Best, Shine1

  • Blown away.... by: desp2017cd 4 months 2 weeks ago

    My husband and I have been reading a book, Created for Connection, by Dr. Sue Johnson, that is unlike the shelves of others we have read before. Dr. Johnson leads with the attachment between a child and parent, and relates the depth of this attachment (not the child/parent roles, of course), or Connection, to that which a person seeks in their spouse. Right away, Johnson validates this need for connection, backs by much research and years of treating couples on the verge of break-up, and the rest of the book involves recognizing patterns of behavior that are related to disconnection.

    Of course, I am giving a lame summary for this book, so let me share instead that my husband (who shared an article about connection which then led us to this book), who told me within our first weeks of marriage that my outward affection was inappropriate (he grew up in a home where his parents never showed affection publicly), said that connecting to me and enjoying our attachment is what he has always deeply desired. I was stunned and still feel surreal. Of course, this is not a magic book, so don't think I'm going to tell you we are floating around with rose petals and bubbles everywhere. It took a month before it clicked that I think my husband LIKES me - I have thought for years that I have irritated and frustrated him so much, and especially because of my ADHD, that his frequent distance from me is well-deserved on my part.

    Yesterday, we were discussing a recent dinner with one of our sons and a family friend who is going through life challenges, during which I felt that I had talked too much, so much that my son and husband couldn't participate, and I was embarrassed. I mentioned that he had withdrawn during the conversation, and he said he didn't recall that. What he remembered was thinking, "I am here with my son, and I am not sure what to say to our friend, but want it to be kind and helpful so that I am an example to both of them." And then, he said, that as he listened, he thought, "She is so good at this and is saying just how I feel but couldn't put into words," but how I phrased it helped him add something in a few minutes. I remember that once he spoke, he did so very well (I was trying so hard not to interrupt him or start making jokes or something stupid). I have never, ever thought that he listened and liked what I said. My husband is a wonderful person, but his face is often serious or blank, and I am not the only person who sees this. There have been times that he has "checked" me at a party or something, or during a conversation with our children, but he said he thought that was normal - I have done that with him, too, he reminded me. But I internalized these "corrections" and the detached facial expressions as being a fool in his eyes, like an ADHD clown.

    To hear that he valued me and that he wants to develop a connection with me blew me away! For 25 years we have struggled, screamed, withdrawn, and come close to leaving, gone to therapy and wondered why doesn't what we learned last?!  Today, when he kissed me good-bye and said, "I love you," I saw that he meant it. I want to trust him, though it's hard for me to believe that he wants that with me, with all my faults and ADHD and how many times I have disappointed him.

    I wanted to share...and I believe that this book works well with The ADHD Effect on Marriage, because ADHD brings a unique challenge for couples, even those who have a deep connection, I would assume. Orlov writes of Connection as well, and Created for Connection expands on that.

  • CASTLE BY THE SEA by: Drained 4 months 2 weeks ago

    I had taken the time to make many special foods you like for the 4th of July weekend - they were sitting in the fridge just needing to be cooked.  At 6:30p I told you I was going to go work in the garden, you did not say a word as you were focused on watching tv and on your ipad.  At 7:30pm, I went into the house just to tell you to come outside it was nice out, you said you would be out shortly.  I continued to work outside and figured you decided to stay inside as I had not seen you.  It is now 9pm and I'm wrapping up, I go to the back yard and water the plants, as it was dusk, I did not see you sitting under the pergola.  You did not say a word, as I was about to go into the house, I see you in the corner of my eye,  I ask you if you had eaten yet and you pretend to be sleeping and don't answer; again, playing your usual games.  I let you know later that night that "I would have appreciated if you had come out to see if I was hungry or thirsty".  To which you respond "why would I cook for you?!?"  APPALING as over the years I've gone above and beyond to cater to your needs.  You are upset that I would even ASK you to do something for me, to take care of me and my needs.  You go on about how you wanted to go for a walk but my attention was so focused on the yard, yet, at no time did you come out to communicate you were even interested in going for a walk.  You state that I was out in the yard for 6 hours, when in essence it was just 3 hrs - creating all the drama again.  In my heart of hearts I know even if we lived in a beautiful castle by sea, it wouldn't matter - you would make it a living hell with all the dysfunction you bring to the table.  No happiness and peace, just going from drama to drama.  It's taken me 13 years to realize how caught up I was in all of this, not even noticing your emotional abusiveness because this was the "norm" I grew up in.  We've been through 10 therapists, and from what I gather from the last therapist I spoke to, this is not just ADHD, but other dysfunction, I belive that I have just been a catalyst to allow it to go on - I'm an enabler, I rescue you from consequences.   You are just an unhappy person - misery loves company and it's my choice to  NOT continue to be taken down the black hole.  You are talking about "when you retire", getting all fired up about how "we" could buy a 5th wheel and go from state to state, even suggesting I take sabbatical time off.  REALLY?  who would want to be with someone who behaves the way you do, unmindful, abusive and angry - and in a small space to add - no thanks, I'll pass. 

  • Dealing with our own thinking & emotions.... by: c ur self 4 months 2 weeks ago

    What is the most difficult part (or what seems to inflict the most long term negative impact on your mindset and emotions) of your lives, when it comes to the effects on you, in seeking to live in a peaceful way w/ your spouse?? 

    For me it's (hands down) the emotional and psychological effects I experience on my person, from her denial...Denial always produces the same attributes in a mind...No ownership of actions, self-justification and blame....

    Denial completely destroys the ability to communicate and have a healthy marriage relationship....That is what acceptance and setting boundaries helps with....But, what we have w/ boundaries and denial can still be a pins and needles life style, one where we must stay at a continuous heightened awareness level (thought dominating) during times of interaction....You will always have to live mechanical w/ a victim, whose only motivation for ownership and accountability is guilt....Denial is a free ticket to live w/ out discipline or convictions....

    What about you? What most challenges you the most mentally and emotionally, when it comes to living a loving and peaceful life, along side of your spouse??

    C

  • ADHD spouse didn't react to our dog attacking our niece... by: smiling_cobra 4 months 3 weeks ago

    Let me start off by saying that my niece is OKAY, our dog didn't actually bite her, he jumped on her and scratched her. He is now at a training facility for a couple of weeks and my niece is learning how to interact with dogs safely. we're glad nothing worse happened...

     so this weekend my husband and I headed to my parent's place for a family BBQ with our 1 year old German shepherd. My niece is 5, and has a hard time respecting dog's space. She's only 5, so that's totally understandable. The first time he reacted negatively towards her about 6 months ago, it was a big deal and I took it as a sign that our dog needed better training. The last few times he's seen her, they've been okay. He actually let her take his ball out of his mouth and has never been aggressive towards any humans. I think this is where we all made a mistake. I saw they were playing together with a stick and my husband was standing there but he was starting to turn around and walk back to the patio. I grabbed my shoes and was in the process of putting them on to go over there with them, when I see my dog on top of my niece, barking at her and she's screaming. I start yelling at my husband to go get the dog and he doesnt move. I yelled at him 2 or 3 times while I'm trying to get my foot untangled from my shoes before everyone else starts running over there to separate them. Finally I get the shoe off and run over there and my husband is STILL JUST STANDING THERE. He hadn't moved! He was just standing there watching as our dog was being kicked off of her and she was moved away. I grabbed the dog and walked him over to my husband who is still just looking at me, and tell him to take him to the car. I hand him our dog's collar, and he just lets go of it and calls the dog to follow him. I yell at him to hold onto his collar so he doesn't run back over there, so my husband grabbed his collar and took him to the car. He didn't come back to the yard to see if she was okay, or to apologize that our dog had just attacked her. He didn't even seem phased that it had happened.

    i just don't understand WHY. Why did he not move? Why did he not react? This concerns me for when we have kids, is he just going to stand by idly if our kid is drowning? I just don't get it. The only solution I can come up with is that this has to be a symptom of his ADHD. I have ADHD as well but I make sure to always take my adderal on time as scheduled whereas many times on the weekends, he does not. 

    Does anyone else have any experiences like this??? 

  • constantly fighting hopelessness by: desp2017cd 4 months 3 weeks ago

    I was diagnosed with ADHD just after my 41st birthday, and I am close to turning 44. At first, the diagnosis and treatment brought relief and understanding to a lifetime of struggling, anger, and lost relationships. I read every book about ADHD that I could, applied behavioral and medicinal treatment (and still do), drastically improved my diet, and worked with an ADHD coach (who said, "Stop reading books about ADHD."). A few months after diagnosis, an awareness of how others perceive, treat, and talk about me began to create a vicious cycle of self-doubt, anxiety in all relationships, pervasive depression, and thoughts of giving up completely.

    The sad part is that I like so many things about who I am!  I like being free-spirited, creative, innovative - a "see the beauty in life" kind of person. I like researching and trying new ideas and hobbies, although I have to put checks in place because of cost (my husband was relieved when I researched Minimalism a while back).  I love being with children - I am a preschool teacher, and I thank God every day that I am able to work again - but I also live in constant fear of losing my job because I might be distracted, say something wrong, or annoy the wrong person, and lose my job.

    I fight guilt from the past - memories of raising my two wonderful children, who are grown and successful, because I wasn't the mother that I might have been, with treatment. When they are distant from me (I do respect their independence - I'm talking about apparent avoidance of me), I am sad and hurt, but feel that I caused that because of periods of hyperfocus that took my attention from them when they were younger.

    When my husband, children, close friends, or coworkers are annoyed with me, or treat me like a problem they need to work around, I begin withdrawing and spiraling into depression. I avoid leaving the house, I question everything I am doing, I feel like no one can see past my ADHD to the person I really am, and I am devastated.

    I am genuinely hurt and humiliated when others criticize or make sarcastic comments about me (but not surprised anymore). My husband tells me to ignore those who do that, but I am not that way; I have an open heart that enjoys encouraging and loving others, and the person might be a family member or someone I dearly love. Since my diagnosis, I make an effort to avoid friendships with other women, but ultimately, it might happen before I am aware of it, because initially others see me as a fun person they want to be around, and I am excited and interested in this new person. Later, though, the ADHD me comes through - although I try SO hard to manage it! - and they get annoyed, disappointed and distant. I have tried putting checks and reminders and codes in place to keep these things from happening - my ADHD catches me off-guard, and before I know it, I am criticized, blamed, avoided or treated like I am a goof. When I address this with those I am close to, I ultimately have to admit to myself that my ADHD behavior is the cause - I don't blame them for wanting to distance from me.

    I am caught in a self-loathing cycle. I am afraid that it will become a "self-fulfilling prophecy", and I will lose everyone I love so much. I am not whining or being overly dramatic - it has taken me 2 years to reach out to anyone about this, but I need help because I am scared and don't know what else to try. I need an ADHD therapist or coach or group, and I don't know who to trust. Please help.

  • Reaping the fruit of kindness.... by: c ur self 4 months 3 weeks ago

    It's been a long and difficult road; this marriage relationship of ours.  But like all good things...GOOD THING??...Yes,  (Proverbs 18:22..A man who finds a wife, finds a good thing), like I was saying, before I was interrupted :) lol... like all good things, it also has it's trials...We humans just tend to reflect the images in front of us...Especially those that are there constantly...It's human weakness...No man's an Island....

    I've been battling that for a few years now, but, I completely sold out about 8 or 10 months ago....I give up control, I decided a few things...One; I was going to stop fixing and start fully trusting...Praying and leaving it there! Two; I don't care what the out come ends up being as long as it's the best for her, and me....Peaceful lives!...together? apart? I'm fine with either...( I couldn't give up Control, If I was going to determine the outcome) Just no fighting, no biting and devouring one another. I refused to take part in it, if it don't enhance the relationship, and bring glory to God....Period....

    So how does this work?? Well it didn't take long on this venture to realize it's not about her, it's about me...If I am going to stand firm in this discipline, I had realize all the hindrances (baggage, insecurities, weak faith) inside me... I had to come face to face with, and own those first....

    So I want get into all my problems, the page can't hold all of those....

    So swapping expectations for Acceptance...Swapping frustration and emotionally charged attempts to point out poor behavior...For Kindness or Quietness....( I know it goes against my human nature; but, the good news is Jesus allows me to experience his nature, when I seek it and believe it...)  Also, recommitting myself to make sure my wife is made to feel special and loved....( I realized fear of being taken advantage of, and fear of setting a precedence of enabling and feeding the control frenzy had put me into self protection mode). I found out that for me to shell myself up, in order to protect my self from disappointments, just turns me into the same rule making spouse I so dislike in her..(Not talking boundaries here, Just being a loving an Approachable life mate)

    I've come far enough to recognize the difference in True Love and affection, and manipulation attempts....Besides I'm only accountable for my own motives....

    Now there are things that I will still bring up if they are unacceptable to me...But only once, and said in kindness only.....One of these things happened recently...And I sent her a text concerning the behavior, written in kindness...with a prefaced that proclaimed i wasn't mad, and I loved her more today than I ever have....But the behavior I mentioned I told it would be disrespectful and unacceptable for me to do...And it's unacceptable for my wife to do....(It was just one of those tunnel vision acts, that can flow out of her with out a thought...(She is blind to it, because she doesn't attach honor and respect to the independent mind-set she lives in)...In other words, if she can justify it as harmless, then she takes no though past that point, of what it looks or feels like to to others...Like her Husband....

    Normally in the past her responses to me were 95% defensive....You are wrong....I am right! and usually insulting :)....

    But this is the copy of her text back to me....**Well done. I am proud of you and how you handled your feelings. I don't fully agree with you, but, I can appreciate/ understand your point of view. Out of respect for you I will alter my behavior. I love you too...<} <}**

    This may be common for the way some of you can communicate....But for us it's something to rejoice about....So I'm just sharing it to give hope to those who may not have much....This post is about the progress of two people...Not one!

    Peace to all...

    C

     

     

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