Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Alternative to drugs treatment for ADHD by: inthedark 5 months 2 weeks ago

    Does anyone know if there is an alternative treatment for ADHD.  My partner can't take most drugs due to a severe heart condition, which he is already on medication for.

  • reconnecting with adhd partner by: inthedark 5 months 2 weeks ago
  • Why I call my self "Bowl of Petunias" by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 2 weeks ago

    You may recall my wife recently tried to get me to say that we can plan on going to Disney and Universal Studios in the summer.  We got part of her mother's estate a few months ago and used it on bills and home repairs.  We are about to get some more, and we have more home repairs lined up.

    Guess what?  The furnace and laundry room in the basement flooded!  So we may have to use more of that money on repairs, such as expanding the French drain when we have them redo the basement bathroom.  (We were not able to afford redoing the bathroom when we put the French drain in, so there is no French drain in that part of the basement.  We were previously told that flooding in the furnace area would not be a problem if we stopped using the basement toilet.  We did so, and this is the first time it has been a problem again--for several days after a big storm.  We really need to redo the bathroom, given how much both our kids hog the upstairs bathroom.)

    I am left thinking to myself, "Oh no, not again!"

    We had to call off a Disney trip she told the kids were going to take in 2016 because we got slammed with several thousands of dollars of owed taxes AND the chimney liner collapsed and needed to be replaced for about $1,800.

    Part of the reason I told her we could not plan on the summer trip was because she has previously blurted it out when I have said that we could plan on it IF she promised not to tell the kids.  Naturally, she told the kids a few days later.  So at least there isn't another "planned" trip to Disney that needs to be called off this time.

    I also hate agreeing to her pushing me to make promises to her.  For several years, she kept pushing me to promise when I would be done writing my dissertation.  Almost anyone writing a dissertation is going to be frustrated and embarrassed that it is taking longer than they thought it would.  After several of the forced promises I could not fulfill, however, I was feeling like a liar.  I told her, "Please don't make me lie to you again."  She doesn't seem to be at all troubled, however, when she can't/doesn't fulfill her promises.

  • Drawn into lies by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 2 weeks ago

    Background:  My daughter (9) is diagnosed ADHD.  I strongly suspect my wife has ADHD, and we both suspect our son (14) has it.  One of our son's symptoms is the frequent and often pointless lies.  ("Did you start the laundry?"  "Yes."  It's not started when I go down a few minutes later.  "I took my cell phone out of the case and accidentally dropped it."  "OK, I broke it on purpose to get a better phone.")

    On Halloween, my wife took our son to the ER.  She said that he told her he bumped into a tree and a branch fell on his hand, cutting it.  My wife was upset about the amount of blood and the fact that he kept trick or treating for hours without telling us--or doing anything beside putting a band-aid on it.  I suspected that it was not a tree and expressed some disbelief.

    Last night, my son told me that it was not a tree.  First, he told me that friend 1 had been dressed as Link and cut my son's hand while he was fooling around with a replica sword that was part of the costume.  He then changed it to say that friend 2 had taken the sword from friend 1 and cut him while he was playing with it.  Then he tries to get me to promise not to tell my wife or our daughter.  Our daughter is in the next room, so this was not time to do this.  I did not make any promises--If I made this promise and it does come out, it would mean that I was lying, giving him reason not to trust me. He already distrusts his mother, and for good reason.  She makes frequent promises she does not keep--and she should realize she can't guarantee--such as "we're going to Disney this summer!"  Years of the Disney promises have taken their toll.

    There are two reasons not to tell my wife.  First, she would probably get very mad.  Her fights with the kids do not go well.  Imagine two people with both the impulsivity and false memory problems of ADHD going at each other.  He has also accused me of being a "coward" for not standing up to her.

    Second, I want him to be able to confide in me when something really bad happens--like an STD.  If I tell her this, than why should he confide in me about something serious next time?  He previously told me that a friend tried to get him to vape and then tried to make me promise not to tell her.  I have not told her about that.

    Perhaps the best approach is to only mention this if there are related problems, such as further injuries or issues with friend 2?  But then I get into the "Why didn't you tell me this" argument.

    I asked him why he told me this and he said he needed to get it off his chest.

    This took place in the context of our daughter having a fit over not getting to have candy because she refused to do her homework.  (The teacher gave her a homework pass for Halloween--but she left it at school, of course.  Keep in mind that she will miss two days of school next week while traveling with my wife, so she could really use a homework pass--if she does have one--for one of those days.)  My wife was out for the evening.

  • I understand now, but it's so different than I thought it would be. by: Kmayer01 5 months 2 weeks ago

    My husband finally decided  six weeks ago our son might have ADD, something I had insisted on for years without support and thus no clinical help, for years. In researching guess what he discovered; he has ADD. Something I had suggested many times and been told I was crazy.

    I'm glad he's accepted it now. Unfortunately the doctor wants to try several herbal pills first to see how they work before trying meds. So just when I thought there would be some relief in his symptoms after nearly thirteen years of misery, nope. I have to wait at least another ten weeks ... If he doesn't get distracted ... Or forget an appointment. Keep in mind I'm dealing with three very ADD people in home, one of whom has ODD, too.

    I've been reading the book. I'm doing a very good job at remaining calm and respectful in how I speak to my husband now. In fact I have always tended to ignore and stuff for our entire marriage. I only emotionally explode with anger when my husband, due to his ADD, takes out his irritation or panic or stress with anything (almost never an actual frustration with me) on me. 

    It happens a few times a week. Today he was upset our ADD kid didn't check in for school (husband works from home and we homeshool, son is so ODD I can't deal with it anymore after five years and he better understands and can help our son more easily knowing the struggle).

    Well, line and behold it's my fault! Several irritable, accusation comments later, yes I know emotional dysregulation of ADD, I get him to stop and ask if we can talk about in a non-emotional way about how he approached me. Sure he says! So I try to calmly talk to him how I was hurt by his attacks and he keeps running me off mid-sentence with excuses, a quick apology, then he that he is late for meeting (the whole root issue). 

    We talked later. Honestly, I did my best not to try to make it a parent/child conversation, but he can't at all see on his own how his approach was hurtful nor what a better approach might have been. 

    Before the ADD diagnosis I never felt like we had a parent/child role. I just felt alone and on my own for the most part. Instead of asking the doctor or working these things out, he keeps asking me what he should do. How can he fix these things. What should and can he do better. He means well ... But guess who feels like a mother reasonable for this man child? Me.

    Honestly I get the struggle he has ... I feel sad for his struggle. I feel depressed for me. Reading the book hasn't made things easier ... It's made things harder. Instead of ignoring and stuffing, I'm now having face it and seem to be deemed responsible for his coping strategies. In addition I have to listen to his, "woe me and my struggle" while he forgets to ever ask me, he is reading the book as well, how I feel or am coping. So instead of more help, despite his schedule change and setting alarms and new routine (all my suggestions) I have more work trying to solve his ADD struggles, listen to him, cope emotionally, and no truly viable solution. Even the doctor tasked me with record keeping his meds and improvement/decline for my husband and two sons ... Because I'm super mom he said and so I should use my super skills. 

    So I'm an even more burnt out pregnant mom of five (got pregnant before diagnosis), what feels like six. Does it ever get any better? What to do?


  • I let myself get my hopes up by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 2 weeks ago

    I thought I was making progress in getting my wife to look into the possibility that she may be affected by ADHD.  She had asked for a list of experts to see for an evaluation.  She had said her therapist had said that ADHD could be part of the problem.

    There are have some serious problems that could be related to ADHD recently.   Yesterday, she told me to turn over the laundry when we woke up.  I reminded her that the laundry room was flooded.  She then decided our uncooperative, probably ADHD son should do it instead.  I said that I did not think this would be a good idea because it was likely he would drop some of the clean clothes onto the puddle on the floor.  Oh, and she had forgotten that the laundry room was flooded.

    I went down and fed the cats.  I turned over the laundry when I was down there.  I started eating breakfast.  There was screaming and shouting upstairs--I believe I heard both of them, but my wife claims it was just him.  He eventually came down and discovered I had already moved the laundry.  My wife then became angry at me for undermining her--we had agreed our son would do it--even though I had said specific reasons why he should not do it.  I went upstairs and started getting ready for work.  I expected our daughter to be dressed when I got down, but she said my wife had told her that the clothes were not ready.  So, they weren't ready when I put them in the dryer at 6:00, but I should have waited until our son did it at 6:30?????

    So our daughter's case manager visited the house yesterday.  She asked at one point if either of us had any developmental issues.  I said, trying to be as gentle as possible, that I suspect that my wife may have ADHD and that it may be contributing to our problems.  My wife then told the case manger that I was "trying to diagnose her."  I responded that no, I am not trying to diagnose her, I am asking her to have a professional evaluate her precisely because I am not an expert.  She then changed the story about her therapist--from ADHD may be part of the problem, to ADHD is not likely, to ADHD is not the problem.  Then she added that the family services therapist said ADHD was not the problem and that the marital problems were due to the difficulties were were having with the kids.

    I have never met her therapist, but I have spoke to the family services therapist alone, and that is not the impression she gave me.  Furthermore, behaviors such as constantly interrupting me, failing to pick up on signals that I need to do something important like use the bathroom so please hold that thought, and ignoring me when there are more interesting complete strangers predated our kids--and even our marriage.  My wife also recently ignored me in favor of strangers at an event we went to TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY--and the kids weren't there.  No, this is not just about the kids misbehaving.

    I put something quite bluntly--would it be better if ADHD was causing her to blurt out mean things about me and other people, or if she just does it because she is an asshole that doesn't give a shit.

    I told her that I can't accept spending the rest of my life feeling unheard, unwanted, unloved, unimportant, and uninteresting.  I explained how I saw an ADHD explanation as a source of hope--aha, this might be something we can finally address.  I told her I could not go on if she refuses to consider something that could improve our relationship with each other and with our kids.  Then she seemed to soften her position and suggest that she would try to see one of the experts.  But now I am afraid of getting my hopes up again only her to dash them on the rocks again.

    I am in a tenuous situation right now.  I am going to be having surgery in a few weeks that will leave me without the use of one arm for a couple of months, so I need to be able to depend on her.  Granted, she was good the last time I had surgery.  

    Oh, and she also told the case manager that the messiness in our home was "moderate" when the woman could see right before her eyes that the place was a complete disaster area.  The disaster area is going to make my recovery from surgery more difficult.

    My wife recently became very upset that a neurologist said our daughter is emotionally disturbed--when it is plain to see.  Hearing the label bothered her.  She thinks it should bother me.  My response has been, "Well, we need to know what the problem is so we can fix it.  So having a diagnosis is hopeful because it may be the beginning of a solution."  I explained that I saw her possible ADHD in the same way--she may feel bad being labeled, but it is good if it helps us solve problems.

    Oh, she also objected that she feels like I am telling her that there is something wrong with her.  I responded that there is something wrong with the way she treats me and the kids.

    My wife also tried to explain away the remark about me diagnosing her as "a joke that fell flat."  I pointed out that that kind of inconsiderate joking is characteristic of ADHD.  "Well, everything can be charachteristic of ADHD!"

  • Flying with ADHD/OCD child by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 3 weeks ago

    Our 9-year-old daughter has not flown since she was a toddler.

    My wife is taking her to Arizona soon.  She might not have a problem with flying.  One reason to be hopeful is that she loves scary roller coasters--coasters I certainly won't go on!

    But, as we all know, mental health issues are not always subject to reason.  She is afraid of what she calls "mannequins," for example, but is very inconsistent on what constitutes a "mannequin."  The real mannequins in the store do not seem to bother her.  A Bugs Bunny figure at Six Flags, however, sends her screaming in fear.  But a giant devil statue at El Diablo at Six Flags doesn't phase her.

    I am worried about what will happen if she gets to the boarding ramp and starts freaking out about getting on the plane.  My wife has very serious anger issues, which I suspect are related to ADHD.  I told my wife to be prepared in case there is a problem, but she was pretty dismissive of my concerns.  So she won't be prepared.  I will be at work when the plane is scheduled to leave.  I hate to think what will happen if my wife is stressed about getting on the plane on time to leave and our daughter is kicking and screaming.  Ideally, I would be able to take our daughter and my wife would go on without her.  But that won't be possible because I will be at work.  (I can't take off because I need to save time for my upcoming medical leave.)


  • Oh, God. I have to vent. Disney again. by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 3 weeks ago

    I was starting to feel a bit better because my wife has started to look into getting evaluated for ADHD.  Then she called just now and I feel horrible.

    I am due to have surgery next month.  The surgeon filled out the form to indicate I will be out until mid February.  From past experience, I believe I can return Jan 2.  I have enough sick time to cover until Jan 2, but not until mid February.  HR tells me that 1) I will need to pay all of the health benefits for January and half of february before I go on medical leave 2) I should fill out for disability until mid february and 3) Once get the disability, there is no way for me to return to work even if I feel up to it.

    So, during the summer--before I scheduled the surgery--we had discussed possibly going to Universal Studios in March.  My wife bought 3 tickets to Universal years ago, so we would just need one more.  Plus airfare, hotels, petsitters, etc.  She discussed this with the kids, even though she promised not to do so.

    Then I found out about the surgery and said I would not have the time off and my arm would not be up to riding coasters.

    Then she started saying she wanted to take a shorter trip in March--and move Universal to the summer and add Disney! 

    My son recently talked about going to Universal in March, and I told him that I would not be up for it and--I admit that I should have thought before adding this--that his mother wants to move the trip to August and add in Disney.  Yes, I was treating him too much like an adult whom I could vent with (he is 15 and has ADHD issues).

    So yesterday my wife asks if one of the reasons he does not trust her is that she keeps promising year after year  that we are going to Disney and we don't go.  He said it was and told her what I had said about March and August--but not inlcuding the reasons that my arm would be healing and I would not have time off.  So I am to blame for him not trusting her!  I asked if it would have helped if we let him have continue to have false hopes for going in March.  She did not recognize that stringing him along would not have helped build trust--it would make the let down worse.

    She then wanted for us to plan on August--and she would not tell the kids!  I pointed out that I just got hit with this uncertainty about my surgery and there was no way we could plan on that!  I also reminded her that our daugher is terrified of animatronics.  She again tried to invalidate her feelings and said that she is trying to get attention.

    And, of course, I am wrong to think that she won't let it slip (again).

    We went to Disney when he was 5, before our daughter was born.  During the entire trip, she kept talking about our next trip to Disney.  Even if I give in, we spend ourselves further into the hole with a trip to Disney, I am afraid that things will not change and she will start nudging me about Disney again!

    She is also upset that the Neurologist we took our daughter to said that our daughter is emotionally disturbed.

    Sometimes I wish I could just walk away.  What, you want to go to Disney?  Well, I am not your husband anymore, so do what you want.  But I am not picking up the pieces.  Not my monkeys, not my circus.  But it is my circus--and I am stuck shoveling up after the elephants.

    She wants to discuss this.  I said we should discuss it when we meet with our family therapist (just my wife and I) next month.

    It was sooo hard to control my anger, but I think I did OK.



  • I don't know what to do by: nikkifenn 5 months 4 weeks ago

    Hello! I'm dating someone with SEVERE ADHD. We've been in an LDR for two years (planning on getting married next fall) and the hyperfocus stopped after we met for the first time. About half a year into the relationship.  At this time I didn't realize his ADHD could even affect our relationship. I always thought of ADHD as kids being to hyper to even sit down (I knew he was diagnosed as a child as well as his sister, who is on disability due to her ADHD not even allowing her to drive) Because there were no signs until after hyperfocusing, it never popped up in my head. Our arguments and fights have been at the least, explosive; and only getting worse. About three/four weeks ago, A friend of mine mentioned something about her husband and I was so taken aback because it was like she was talking about my SO. It finally clicked in my head that this was his ADHD and not just him being a complete asshole 24/7. Since then I've read basically every forum, book, and self help website I can get for people who are in a relationship with someone who has ADHD. It's been overwhelming and emotional. Him and I have agreed we need to get help, starting with him. He was on board and I was so relieved he realized he's a big part of all of our problems. I'll admit I have some anger issues caused from him ignoring me, forgetting anything I've ever said, not feeling loved, etc. and could do better with things, as well. Up until today he has completely agreed to get help, and wasn't denying he needed help or that anything was my fault. Today, he had a doctors appointment to get a referral to another, unrelated health issue, but most importantly his ADHD. His insurance doesn't require mental health referrals which is great. As soon as we talked after his appointment I said to find a good place near him to go. He had already argued about him REFUSING to pay attention to me because he was eating (which has never been a problem in the past, but according to him,he never talks when he eats)
    And so we were both kind of irritated. This blew into a huge fight, with him basically saying he has problems but mine are worse and he's refusing to get help until 
    A) I get help with my problems (nagging, and not trusting him) 
    B)He wants to do it on his own time which "Will be a couple months" 

    I'm so worried about our relationship because I know if he actually waits a couple months, we will definitely be on our separate ways and broken up. He's the love of my life but not feeling loved at all (especially with SEVERE abandonment issues and other issues due to being in foster care and genetic mental health diagnoses) has ruined my outlook on the relationship. I don't know what I need right now, maybe reassurance, maybe advice. I'm not sure. It just saddens me that he was so in agreement that he needed help (and eventually us getting therapy once he moved here the beginning of next year) and now he REFUSES to. I'm sorry for the word vomit, I just had to get this off my chest.

  • Many of us feel like this by: bowlofpetunias 5 months 4 weeks ago

    My (deceased) mother-in-law and one of my wife's friends have taken me to task for being "rude" because I don't talk enough.  Today's "Luann" explains why.