Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with ADHD hoarding? I can't get into my garage, there is a path from the basement steps to the washer and dryer, and there are piles of "stuff" everywhere. I can't reason with him because he is in denial and untreated. If I try to toss anything my ADHD spouse freaks out and starts throwing my belongings out into the garbage or into the backyard. I am drowning in clutter.
- Hoarding by: tiredofbeinghis... 2 months 3 weeks ago
- Infidelity and ADHD by: rachaelbabs 2 months 4 weeks ago
I am looking for advice or success stories. Long story short - I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 11.5. We only realized he had ADHD last summer, and have spent the last 9 months learning a ton about it. I have been realizing how much it impacts our relationship and signed us up for the seminar from Jan - March, and had plans to work with an ADHD therapist once it wrapped. Unfortunately, my husband - unbeknownst to me - decided he was overwhelmed with ADHD and didn't like feeling like all the issues were his fault (I tried so hard to NOT communicate this, he has a lot of shame he is struggling with) and he decided to have an emotional online affair (with some sexting) starting in february. I found out one week after the webinar series ended, and he moved out a week later (his choice). I've spent the last few weeks in limbo, which him saying he isn't sure if he wants to work on things with us because it is overwhelming and he isn't sure we can fix things and he doesn't like how much of it is tied to ADHD. So he is in some denial, also struggling with hope. and still talking to his affair partner.
I am devastated, especially because he had another affair 6 years ago that I don't feel we properly healed (that one was a one night stand). However, doing the seminar series and reading Melissa's books have been like the heavens opening. Everything in our relationship finally makes sense! I have so much hope that if we can commit and dig in, we can ABSOLUTELY turn things around and get to a really good place.
What I am struggling with is 1) he won't end the affair yet and it is (maybe literally) killing me and 2) he is feeling all sorts of things and is very unsure. I am looking for advice around how to take care of myself through this to extend my hope so we can (hopefully) at least have a chance to try, and advice around what I should do to support him through this. He has not responded well to me sharing what I am learning, he refuses to read the books, he barely paid attention to the seminar, so he just doesn't realize that there are tools and answers. However he does like to talk to me a few times a week and only wants to talk about things he deems as "not hard conversations." Which is confusing. I do not want to walk away without trying with the right tools. I know i cannot control him and he may well give up, which will be devastating, but I am hoping for advice on what i CAN do and especially for people who have walked a similar path, and if anyone has walked it and succeeded in healing and has any advice.
- Non-ADD Spouse help - St. Louis by: Droj522 3 months 12 hours ago
Can anyone recommend a counselor/therapist in St. Louis, MO who works with the non-ADD spouse? We've been married 21 years and have become more roommates raising kids together than husband and wife. I'm looking for a resource for my wife who can give her an outlet and possibly share wisdom and tips in handling our situation. I'm good at making our conversations all about me, and I need to find a way to focus the help on getting her in a better place. Please let me know if you know of anyone who could help.
- Hardest Decision by: Neuchatel81 3 months 1 day ago
I have been hoping over the past few months that I could finally see a way past my husband's constant insistence that he will make immediate changes to his lack of follow through. I am now beginning to believe that will never occur. He removed my check writing pen from my desk for the umpteenth time and I had a melt down yesterday; I fully admit that I acted inappropriately. He is unable to understand that I have my own desk and belongings, and that he should respect that; his response is that I should keep more pens at my desk (tried that previously and he simply took them all till none were remaining). I tried to talk to him about setting up a repayment plan for our equity line that he has maxed out with his business debt, but he accused me of being paranoid and panic stricken; for the first time, I really felt as if he was gaslighting me. After nearly 40 years together, I do love him but this is tearing me apart. We have been to counselors many times over the years, but the response from him is always the same: he does not know why he does these things and will just try harder -- it never works. I have already removed him from our savings account to safeguard what few assets I have left to me, and believe I will now have to decide, on my own, how to proceed. I just feel so very sad that he no longer treats me as if I am important enough to matter. His clients and work are most important due to his actions. I told him yesterday that he does not need to have an affair since his work is his mistress.
I have no one else to talk to about these things (Mom is 91, best friend is not married, etc.). Counselor has told me to grieve for what is lost and move on. I am not certain I can do so in the same house as it is just too chaotic and causes me a lot of anxiety. Rather than work on anything difficult, he tells me his is sleep deprived, distracted, and has too much work to do (for his clients) -- same story, same refrain -- why am I unable to realize that it is no longer "us" but just "him."
- Newly Diagnosed and marriage in crisis! by: forbes05 3 months 2 days ago
About a month ago my wife told me she wasn't "in love with me" anymore. I had no idea things were so bad! It shattered my world. She said she still loved me and wanted to be my wife and was hopeful we coulD work through it.
The first week of rebuilding went great but then we had a falling out because of something I said. She misinterpreted my feelings and things went downhill.
I started to panic, telling her how much I loved her, texting her too much. Every blog and article I read said NOT to do these things and she even told me multiple times she needed space. It was like I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. It was like I was outside my body watching myself fail over and over and over all while watching her slip through my finger tips.
it wasn't until we were in couples counseling that he said to me, I think you have ADD. Im 34, I was stunned!! I'm a police Officer, I deal with mental health all the time! I had NO IDEA! I hit every checkbox for the symptoms.
I just finished reading the ADHD effect on marriage and I swear we could insert our marriage!
My wife is so hopeless in being able to repair our marriage. She's convinced she can't get back to a place where she loves me. She's agreed to read the book but she hasn't acknowledged much of this new information. I think she thinks I'm using it as an excuse.
I'm anxious everyday because I don't know if it's the day she will say it's finally over.
Since finally knowing I feel like after years of counselling I'm finally on the right path! I was able To implement so techniques to help with my impulse Control to give my spouse space.
How do I stay positive in a crisis like this??
- Companion or Caregiver? by: davinci89 3 months 5 days ago
I have read several books and am very grateful for their insights. Yet, I am the non-ADHD partner and some days wonder if I will truly ever have a companion, someone to confide in or that is even capable of loving me back. We actually live separately at the moment (due to work) and it has been a blessing to be reminded of what is important to me and who I actually am (that person has been lost for some time). It has also provided a window to see just how chaotic/drama-filled he makes his life and how much his adult children add to it. He is 55, probably ADHD his whole life based on stories I've heard but it is unthinkable to use the term ADHD because that would be admitting a chink in the armor. So, approaching methods to help him are always challenging and have to be done so delicately as not to spark the RSD. To top it off, now that we are apart (he's supposed to join me as he figures things out with his own work) he has gone back to his 'pot' habit, which he does with his daughters, and that is how they define family fun. The relationship he has wit his daughters is a whole different can of worms, but suffice it to say, they take no notice to their dad's traits and condition. The pot use decreases his ability to have any sense of good judgment or perception and increases his forgetfulness, as you might imagine, but it also, over time, makes him that much more irascible. I am not a pot smoker, and while it may have value medicinally, that is not how it is being used by the three of them. (perhaps more for a different day)
This leads me to my current dilemma and hope for some sort of advice. Yesterday was my birthday, it went by without any notice from him. I don't need gifts and a big gala, but it was disappointing to not have any acknowledgement. Now, I find myself wondering how to process it because it seems like a microcosm of everything important in a relationship (communication, trust, etc). Even if I bring it up, does it really matter? Will anything ever "stick"? How does one impress upon an unraveled ADHD/VAST person about what is important and how to reel it in for their happiness and yours? Like I said, I've read A LOT of material and am fairly educated, but this feels like a tangled ball of yarn.
I'm just sad, don't know where to turn and wonder if I stay in this relationship (3 years) will there ever be companionship or just caregiving?
Thank you for allowing me to share this, and hopefully there are others who can share pearls of wisdom.
- My husband in denial by: jayjay 3 months 1 week ago
Hi this is my first post. So my husband who ran out on me and my children impulsively is in denial even after his ADHD diagnosis. He believes he didn't attribute to the marriage breakdown and it was all one sided...me. Is this denial normal after diagnosis and will he come to realise? Our relationship has been lopsided and I have taken over the household and childcare responsibilities without nagging, but somehow no matter how much I accommodate him it all goes out of the window if I even make one criticism towards him he goes into this black pit of depression walking around looking abused and looking to escape. Each time he has exited it has been without notice but he goes around saying we had both come to this decision. When he leaves he makes out he has suffered emotionally abuse by me when I've been walking around on eggshell just in case I set him off, he's such a peaceful persona that his family and everyone else believe it's completely me, if anything they validate his stories about me. He used to gaslight me into believing it was me and he was the perfect husband not complaining, after some therapy for myself I've come to realise he controls me with passive aggressive behaviour, so he won't shout and act mean but if I don't comply with his unreasonable needs he will make me feel like I'm being unreasonable and hold himself back from me by being really sad so then I kept giving in. He has moved out months ago and has forgotten all the abusive he gave instead he believes he tried so hard and it was me who abused him. Also he keeps referring to conversations we never had.
- Obliviousness by: Exhausted44 3 months 1 week ago
Hello all, neurotypical wife (except for the ADHD spouse induced anxiety :/) married 23 years to husband. I want to ask, does anything help the obliviousness? My husband takes Strattera and an antidepressant. I don't think the Strattera helps. We have 6 children, three of them adopted through fostering. I work full time, and do 99% of things around the home. My husband just rarely seems to notice anything, or realize something needs to be done. Something is broken, it stays that way. Something is a mess, it stays that way. Unless he has a specific chore to do that HAS to be done at a specific time, nothing else is initiated. He does not take ownership for anything going on with the kids or myself, the house or the pets. He just assumes I will do it all. How can this be helped? Can it be helped? I am so exhaused from juggling everything. I saw a quote recently in an article that said "I need a partner with equal initiative" that really resonated with me. THIS! Does this ever get better? I have seriously considered going on "strike" just to see if he would realize how severe his ADHD is. I have tried so many ways to tell him that I am struggling and something needs to change, but it never does. I have become a person I never thought I would be, and I miss the old me.
- Looking for a success story by: Ryaninolywa 3 months 2 weeks ago
I just found this forum and I finally don't feel alone. Seems like there are a lot of stories about dead marriages, but I'm hoping for some to hear some success stories. I am not ready to give up yet. I'm feeling pretty hopeless today and can barely function. I'm contemplating leaving (again) but I don't have it in me yet. I love my wife dearly but our story is the same as all I've read here. I feel like I'm pushed and pushed and then finally break and can't leave the situation alone. I've been pushed so far that I've had a couple of full on break downs. To be fair I know I am to blame too and will openly admit that. I have mood swings too and my natural response is to give up. But as soon as I retreat I just want to fix everything. Does anyone else feel this way? I've sought counseling, taken medication, I'm totally sober, and no matter how hard I try I can't fix it. My wife is a good hearted person and dedicated mother. As a wife she has all but forgotten me. She says she loves me and would not have any level of success without me, but as soon as she is in a bad mood I am the kicking boy and she doesn't even realize the pain she puts me though. Any advice will be appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
- Feeling hopeless by: Struggling here 3 months 2 weeks ago
Sigh. I don't even know how to put this all into words. I've been with my partner for 6.5 years and love him dearly. But. It's gotten so hard....and I'm so lonely. He has severe ADD, as well as defiance disorder and oppositional conversational style. I am a learning resource teacher so I'm well versed in strategies and tactics to use, the problem is, nothing is working, AT ALL. We always end up back at square one.
It's making me angry, bitter, resentful, and absolutely terrified that this will go on forever. We can never have a normal conversation about my life or interests, I can tell he's trying, but his canned answers and robotic tone tell me he is thinking about something else and could care less. The only time we have an authentic, back and forth conversation is when we are fighting.
He blames me for everything. If he forgets something, it's my fault I didn't remind him (defiance). Every idea I have is wrong in his eyes (opposition). Everything I say he opposes. He has probably agreed with me or said "good idea" without a prompt probably 10 times in 6.5 years. If I ask him to use different (non-hurtful) words it turns into a fight (defiance). His expectations of me are impossible to reach, yet he and others are excused from everything.
I've self-isolated, as it's the only thing I feel can shield me from the hurt (my former best friend was extremely ADHD as well, we had a major falling out as having 2 people closest to me with severe ADD was incredibly hard). I want to retreat into isolation even further, but I could never do that to my parents (by retreat I mean I want to move waaaaaaaaaaay into the woods, completely secluded from everyone and everything).
I don't know what to do. I've read the books, I've taken university courses, I apply strategies, and here I am 6.5 years later with absolutely zero self-esteem. I hate socializing with him because I see him giving other females the attention I'm soooo desperate for. I'm practically begging for it. My tank is empty. Every time I pull myself out of depression (hard work) something happens between us to sail me right back into it. So now I'm hyper sensitive, to the point where I just cry. TBH sometimes I wish he would cheat on me so I could hate him and leave. Sigh.
Any and all comments are welcome ❤️