I first joined this group 8 years ago, searching for answers about why my relationship with my husband was so confusing, painful, and complicated. I found this group to be a lovely resource, but it still didn't feel like it fully explained what was going on with my marriage. A year after I joined this site, I packed up my children and left my husband. A year after that (he had vowed he had changed), we got back together and had another baby. Three years after that, I realized my heart was too broken, nothing had really changed, and I left again, but this time for good. I was married 16 years, but we were together 22 years total. When I say that what I experienced in that time was soul crushing, that is an understatement. By the time I left, I felt like a shell of a person, I was worn out, heartbroken, and completely out of love. That was four months ago, and for the first time in 22 years, I am now able to breathe, smile, and experience joy again. But I paid the steep price of "sticking it out for the kids", having 2 nervous breakdowns, generalized anxiety disorder, unrelenting physical and mental health problems and kids that were anxious, angry, scared, and out of control. I endured 22 years of what I can now admit was actually emotional and psychological abuse. And I've come back here to tell my story, as I wish someone would helped me when I was so desperately searching for answers 8 years ago. So, in the last 4 months, I have learned about narcissistic personality disorder (don't roll your eyes just yet, hear me out;), specifically the type of NPD called neglectful narcissism, which described my husband to a T. And I also learned that ADHD is present in 40% of those people with with NPD, so I was on the right track, but just missed the mark. 8 years ago I was desperately looking for a reason to explain why he was the way he was, and ADHD seemed to explain a lot, but at the same time, didn't explain why he continued to hurt me. ADHD is not an excuse for abuse. Losing your keys or missing an appointment is not the same as calling your wife "lazy" or "too sensitive". ADHD is not screaming at your kids for being kids, ignoring your needs as a person, and not having empathy. I urge all the people on here that feel like they walk on eggshells all the time, and feel like their spirits are being crushed in their relationships, to look into the work of Dr. Ramani Durvasala (edited - links removed).
I'm only sharing this because it could be life saving for someone on this forum. Through her book I have learned that narcissistic people will use you for their daily "supply", and when you are focusing all of YOUR attention on "fixing them" it keeps you stuck in their supply chain and doesn't fix them at all. It just keeps you more stuck in the cycle of explaining, excusing, and blaming something else for their sheer lack of interest in you. I tried 100x to get him to "see" what I could see, but HE DIDN'T CARE. He would actually say, "ok, so I have ADHD", that was IT. And he had NO INTEREST in fixing our marriage, addressing his struggles, he wanted only FOR ME TO GET HELP. He was convinced that there was something wrong me me! It's insanity. The ONLY thing wrong with ME was HIM. I can see that clearly now! I can also attest that although not easy, my kids are happier, less anxious, and more loving towards me now that we are in a safe space and away from him. I'm absolutely not on here to preach, gloat, or make anyone feel bad. In fact my hope is that if I can help one person, then it is worth it. Working with my therapist, I have also discovered that my mother also has NPD, (she is the self-righteous sub type for anyone still reading this, haha), so naturally I selected a partner with similar and familiar qualities, lucky me!. If you find you also have people in your inner circle that have similar characteristics as your partner, look into Dr. Ramani's work, she has a lot of amazing youtube videos, and she is really brilliant. Let me also say that my husband wasn't this evil monster, he is perceived as a "nice" and "good" guy, that has a well respected job and people seem to like him. But I got to see a different version, and it wasn't what I needed in my life. I'm finally choosing me over him. Please, put yourself first, I know it is hard, but I believe in all of you! "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears"-Neslon Mendela. It's ok to have hope, and I hope this post will bring clarity to someone who is tired of existing in a confusing and hurtful life. Take care of yourselves!
I'm so glad you're out
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I'm so glad you can feel joy again. ❤️ I can feel your struggle and relief now.
Although my ex does not have NPD, I can relate to being healthier out of the relationship and like your children, my daughter is so much healthier too. We do not have to stay in these situations "for the kids" or change everything about ourselves to accommodate someone unwilling or unable to be a good partner.
I think it's really important for people to hear stories like yours from the other side. I know they helped me leave and I try to pay that forward too.
Congratulations on getting your life back!
Absolutely! Trust your
Submitted by I'mNottheProblem on
Absolutely! Trust your instincts, that's why you have them. If they are telling you, "this isn't right", then don't ignore it and hope it will change. It is not worth it! They (may not - edited) change, only you will. I'm grateful for my children, but not for the pain the relationship caused me and my children. I hope they can forgive me one day. I didn't mean to bring them into a mess, I was hoping he would grow into the person I needed him to be. He did soften over time, but not enough to make it worth enduring. The resentment that grew inside of me, was something unrecognizable, but all encompassing. It grew into to pure, seething hatred. That is NOT who I am or what I stand for. I knew then, it was time to go. I gave him so much of myself, I lost who I was. I"m finding her again, in new and beautiful ways. And I'm showing my kids that I am more than a sad person who feels like she doesn't matter. Now they get to see a stronger version of me, and I'm grateful for that.
Thank you for your response, I'm glad you are in a better place too! Take care.
Happy you gave it your all
Submitted by The Bull on
Pretty sad turn of events, not to excuse but ADHD appears to be one of the worst deficits to have since it can lead to many others, with the inability to maintain this focus and blamed by inabilities can cause many others to develop. I'm happy it has become mentioned more and more these days that can help other men to wake up. Between patriarchy, machismo, masochism, un-diagnosed mental health disorders and being children of the abused, when it's one with ADHD with neglect under all circumstances it's usually the saddest of cases. In a form of reaction you can ruin a persons and yours in the process in what seems like seconds when in-fact has been years and by then the fear of loss/rejection can speed up the damage.
The usual response that I tend to see is an improvement of mental health for the Non partner vs the ADHD one. Sadly your husbands inability to recognize and address cost him this and ended with passing down some of that dysfunction.