The 3 Steps of Effective Conversation

ADHD & Marriage News - May 1, 2024

Quote of the Week

“The three steps of effective conversation are:

Lead with presence
Come from a place curiosity and care
Focus on what matters”

- Jay Sofer, in the book, Say What You Mean: A mindful approach to non-violent communication

The 3 Steps of Effective Communication

Let’s explore these concepts a bit:

Lead with presence: Be fully in the conversation, and paying attention to your partner. One of the reasons Learning Conversations are effective for couples impacted by ADHD is that they are structured conversations of intent. In order for a Learning Conversation to be held, both partners must be emotionally and intelligently present. Scheduled emotions meetings are another way to ensure full engagement.

There are other ways to be present, too. Look your partner in the eye. Hold her hand. Keep your voice calm. Take a moment to digest what your partner has said and consider your response before jumping in. Listen, before formulating a response. All of these help create an effective conversation.

Come from a place of curiosity and care. Be open, engaged, and focus on the OTHER person, rather than on yourself. There will be lots of time to address your concerns at some other point in the future. In the meantime, being curious about what your partner is saying is a great way to make your partner feel ‘seen.’

Focus on what matters. Sometimes that means looking for what’s underneath the most obvious issue at hand. Particularly when anger or frustration are present, it’s easy to get caught in the superficial issues at hand (the anger is unpleasant) rather than what really matters (the anger is based in a fear that you might leave.) Be curious about what’s underneath, and be willing to go there if your partner (or you) need to do so.

Can Sofer’s suggestions improve your conversations?

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