Your partnership includes too many lies – big and small. In three previous posts I’ve written about why this is happening, and how this hurts your relationship. ADHD – and responses to ADHD – can certainly play a role. So what to do? Here are 9 strategies for ending in your relationship:
Depending upon the research study, between 21% and 53% of adults with ADHD will experience alcohol dependence or abuse at some point in their lifetime. And, turning it around, it’s been estimated that 25 percent of adults receiving treatment for alcohol and other drug abuse have also been diagnosed with ADHD, which leads experts to believe that there’s an important link between ADHD symptoms, ADHD treatment, and substance abuse.
Do you think your ADHD partner is a narcissist? If so, you would not be alone - the question of narcissism comes up regularly - usually asked by non-ADHD partners who believe that their ADHD partner is unfeeling, selfish and self-centered. But while it's easy to label someone who comes across as self-centered as a narcissist, the truth may be a bit more complicated than that.
About 15 million adults have ADHD, and they and their partners often experience significant relationship difficulties as a result. The characteristics of ADHD - chronic distraction; poor planning; time management issues; short-term memory issues and more - can make staying happy when you have family and marital responsibilities a challenge. Partner responses to ADHD symptoms also contribute significant stress. However, adult ADHD is manageable by most, and couples that are well educated about how to manage the impact of ADHD can thrive together. Here are my suggestions for books that will help you understand your partnership better, and learn more. And, yes, the first two are my own, as they focus specifically on ADHD and committed partnerships (if you haven't read them yet, you should!) And, one of the best resources of all is my 8 week couples seminar. It has helped many, many couples...and during the course I will answer all of your questions. More information is available here.
Eric Tivers recently published his view of the 30 best apps for those with ADHD in ADDitude Magazine (go to this link.) I would like to add one more that both my husband and I use very successfully - WorkFlowy. This is a VERY simple outlining program that is really great for capturing and organizing information like 'to do' lists, grocery lists, and presentation outlines. Very flexible, very simple, and it goes across your various devices. Take a look at the article to see if any of the apps might help you be more productive (or get more sleep!)
In my last post I wrote about 7 reasons partners lie, hoping this might help you better understand the lying that you or your partner might be doing…and even that lying can be rational, even as it is not healthy for the two of you. Now it’s time to explore a more nuanced understanding of the ways that lying hurts you and your relationship. My hope is that once I lay this out for you, partners who are inclined to think lying is ‘not such a big deal’ or that they only tell ‘little white lies’ will reconsider. Lying, as it turns out, hurts THEM as much as it hurts the relationship.
When I talk about lying problems in relationships, I'm not just talking about partners with ADHD. Either partner can lie...and lies also exist in relationships in which there is no ADHD. But there are some ways that the presence of ADHD increases the chances that one or the other partner will lie. To be able to chart the best course to move away from lying in your own relationship, you must first understand why the lying is happening. Choosing to lie is a decision that is made – not typically a beneficial one for a relationship, but often a logical one at some level. Understanding the logic really helps. There are at least 7 common reasons partners choose to lie, which include:
Is lying a part of your relationship? Are you eager to move past the lies to a more trusting partnership? This is the first of several posts that will deal with lies and rebuilding trust in relationships impacted by ADHD.