Hi all- I feel like I may be a rarity as I am the spouse with ADHD. Although, the more I learn the more I think perhaps we both had it.
I've been with my wife for five years. I loved her from the minute I saw her. I swear I knew I was meant to spend my life with this girl. Not in the normal adhd way but in the real way. We were long distance for a few months when she needed to take time off work due to her anxiety. I was in school and able to go where she was and help her figure it all out. I was there for her every time she needed me with her anxiety. Through periods of agoraphobia, driving all over the country to see her friends since she wouldn't fly. If she asked me for anything it was hers. That's the beauty of adhd. My heart and love couldn't be bigger. I left love notes and coffee when I left for work 3-4 times a week. We always talked. Went on dates. We did everything the books say to. Our only downfall was the one or two times a month we would fight we would not communicate well. I never yelled. Neither did she. But it would somehow escalate to her having a panic attack. I admit I wasn't the best communicator. I could've done better to listen and validate her. But I never wanted her to hurt.
We married in September shortly after she began accusing me of being abusive. If I would share my experience I was gaslighting her. If I shared an emotion she felt I was mirroring her to make her go insane. She called me manipulative and controlling. Each time she did I assumed it was anxiety and the. We would apologize and I would forget it ever happened. Again that's the beauty of adhd. I'm great at forgive and forget. She was not. She let it build to resentment.
Just before Thanksgiving she left for her parents for a vacation. Then she texted me and said she wasn't coming home. Naturally I had a normal adhd meltdown calling and texting. I sent more texts than I am proud of but in my defense the rug had been pulled out from under me. It was very traumatic and I believe she had an emotional affair going on.
she never spoke to me after that. She promised therapy or to talk to me "next week" for two months. Then I found out she filed a divorce. She enacted a safety plan and blocked me on every form of communication (even linked in which seems to hurt the most). She had everyone we were friends with block me as welll. Nobody will speak to me. Everyone thinks I am abusive. I'm pretty sure she has decided im a narcissist. I'm 100% distraught. I love her more than I love myself. I love her so genuinely I cannot even wrap my mind around how this is happening. I assume it's her anxiety and paranoia. I spent months trying to figure out what I did to deserve it. I read Melissa's book and learned the experience of spouses of people with adhd and I developed so much compassion. I started therapy weekly and got two coaches. I'm hyper focused on learning about relationships so naturally I've read 39 books and listened to every relationship podcast I can find.
still she is accusing me of harassing her. Now I can only communicate through the lawyer or she will file a restraining order or something. We aren't even in the same state. I never was told she was divorcing me or why. Never got a chance to fix it. Never got a chance to share my side. I'm not abusive. I am a nurse, was a teacher, a missionary. I pick up earthworms off the concrete so they don't suffer. I just can't wrap my mind around how someone could think I was abusive.
is it really that torturous being with somebody with afhd? I feel for her fear but I can't help but think there's a lot of paranoia or her own trauma mixing into this. She hasn't taken any accountability. And it seems she's told everyone I may kill her given the ghosting from everyone we know.
im so sad and scared. I feel so rejected and alone. I feel discriminated against. I wasn't diagnosed until after this all happened. Now I'm on medication. But she doesn't believe my adhd was even the problem. To her it's just a way for me to reason away the "abuse". What am I suppose to do? She won't let me share my side and I don't know how to cope.
Do you have professional support?
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
This sounds like a very traumatic experience, for you both. She had existing mental health issues which may have played into her responses, there is no way for anyone here to know.
On this board, you will encounter mainly non-adhd spouses who are devastated by the adhd/non dynamic they have been a part of. Adhd is a spectrum disorder, so how devastating it is to a partner depends on how severe and what particular symptoms manifest, as well as the internal mechanisms and behaviors of the non-adhd spouse.
Having already been predisposed to anxiety, agoraphobia, and panic, she may not have had any capacity to cope with challenges presented by adhd, and may have conflated adhd/narcissism as some traits overlap although the motivation is different.
Given the global nature of the rejection you are facing, and the pain it is causing, I do hope you have enlisted professional therapeutic support. A competent therapist could help you explore this situation with objectivity and helpful tools to help you heal and process this so that you can move on hopefully to healthier dynamics and a happier future. I wish you the best.