Negotiation and Setting Boundaries

This is the first of two posts about porn use.  The first is to shed light on why your partner is having so much trouble getting past your porn use.  The second will be about what couples can do to help heal their relationships after porn use has pulled their relationships apart. 

First, What is Porn?

To quote the Supreme Court, “I know it when I see it.”  If your wife thinks it’s porn, you need to consider her opinion, even if you don’t agree.  The issue is whether or not she’s distressed by it…so don’t get into an argument about whether or not something you’ve been viewing is all that bad.

So, why does porn hurt so much? I’ve been dealing with this issue with a number of my couples recently.  Here’s a synopsis of what some women have told me: >>> Read more >>>

I just read a terrific article about how to better understand your ADHD or non-ADHD partner's sense of time - since it is most likely different from yours!  Yours, Mine and Hours can be read at this link and is well worth the few minutes it takes to read it.

One of the participants of my couples course recently asked me “You talk about how important it is the measure how you are both doing against your goals…but what does that look like, exactly?”  It’s a great question about a really important part of moving your relationship forward.  Here’s how our conversation started, with a specific example so you all know what I’m referring to:

Me:  Let’s talk about something very specific as an example.  Tell me what one of your own goals is. >>> Read more >>>

Control issues create one of the most common Catch-22s of ADHD-impacted marriages.  Take on what your partner isn’t doing and you are overwhelmed with what you have to do and resentful of the burden.  Don’t take on what your partner isn’t doing and you are overwhelmed by what isn’t getting done and resentful your partner isn’t pitching in more.  So how do you stop trying to control your partner, get his or her buy-in, and get out of this lose/lose situation? >>> Read more >>>

One comment I hear over and over again from non-ADHD spouses is their frustration that "we go through the same problems over and over again.  Nothing ever seems to change!"  There is a reason for this, as well as a way to interrupt this pattern. >>> Read more >>>

I know what it’s like to be a non-ADD spouse and discover that you no longer like yourself.  Many here have the same problem – they have struggled so long, and are so exhausted, that they can no longer find the core of who they are.  They write things like “it’s pathetic that I stay in this relationship” and “I feel like I don’t matter at all” and “I feel self-loathing that I stay in my marriage” and wonder if there is something wrong with them.  I would like to share with you my own story of how I moved from disliking myself back to “being me” as well as provide some ideas for change that may help you. >>> Read more >>>

I’ve written here before about how you might approach thinking about whether or not you should marry a person you know has ADHD (see this post), but there is a conversation going on in the forums now that makes we want to write further on the topic. >>> Read more >>>