Communication Tips with ADHD

Conversations go all wrong when we inadvertently invalidate our partners (or worse, do so on purpose!)  Lots of people are confused about what “validating” means – they think it means “agree with” or “empathize with,” neither or which is accurate.  So I want to try to clarify what validation is, and why it’s important by sharing some examples. >>> Read more >>>

There's a really interesting conversation going on in response to my last blog post that has morphed into whether or not a non-ADHD spouse should secretly record conversations to demonstrate to an ADHD spouse that they really are mishearing and mis-remembering things.  An ADHD spouse has also suggested that recordings might be a good learning tool for "where things go wrong."  Here's what I think: >>> Read more >>>

Ned Hallowell likes to talk about the "moral diagnosis" of ADHD - the idea that those with ADHD are lazy or ill-willed.  The 'moral diagnosis' was what people used to turn to when they didn't know as much about ADHD as we do now.  Yet the idea that an ADHD spouse is 'lazy' is amazingly persistent.  How to get at that?  I've often said that in general, people with ADHD are some of the hardest working folks I know - its just that you can't always see the work because much of it is going on inside them.  Their minds are working away, really hard, even as they might come across as "lazy" because they have trouble completing (and sometimes even starting!) tasks.  Now researchers confirm that extra effort going on inside the ADHD person's head.  MRI studies show that the area of the brain that orchestrate mental activity is more active for adults with ADHD than for those without. >>> Read more >>>

Once again, my husband and I are at odds over phones.  But how we’ve resolved it this time is illustrative of one good way to get past having legitimately conflicting objectives. The phone issue remains outstanding (for now) but I’m actually happy.  Years ago, in our “old relationship”, this situation would have caused a huge amount of conflict and pain.  Here’s how we now avoid that… >>> Read more >>>

I just came across this excellent article that addresses the neuroscience of negative thinking and what we can do about changing negative patterns of thinking.  Go to this link to read it.  I'll try to post the second segment when it is published.

I ask couples to clarify their personal boundaries so that they are more likely to work as partners.  When you first start this process, though, it can feel as if you are getting “rejected,” particularly if those boundaries have to do with intimacy issues.  Let me help you understand why setting boundaries is an affirmation of your relationship, not rejection. >>> Read more >>>

Do you, like many other couples, find yourselves arguing over whether or not something happened a certain way in the past?  Whether or not you’ve discussed a specific subject?  Wondering whether your partner was actually THERE when you were talking about something with him or her?  If so, you’ve probably experienced the “he said/she said” argument – the one that goes like this:

“…but we agreed to see a financial adviser!”
"No we didn’t!”
“We talked about it last Tuesday night…”
“We talked about money then, but we didn’t agree to see a financial adviser!”
“Yes we did!” >>> Read more >>>