I'm still in the trenches on some matters because I believe my husband and I should communicate about issues such as our grown daughters and our shared finances. But I'm so much more independent than I used to be, and I want people to know there is hope for disentangling from a dysfunctional relationship with a spouse or partner who chooses to go untreated.
Here are some things I've accomplished or that I can now do (and I know these aren't necessarily possible for other people, but hey, I want you to know they can be done): 1) I told my then-new boss that I'd like to get benefits at my job, and now I do. 2) I increased my hours and thus my pay at my job. 3) I got new freelance clients (again, more money!). 4) I've become more familiar with investing. 5) I'm more comfortable with bad-weather driving (snow and rain). 6) I feel more comfortable deciding when to get help with home-maintenance and car problems. 7) I've become more tech savvy. 8) I move furniture myself. 9) I fit a really long Christmas tree into a really small car and hauled it to the compost site.
Happy Independence Day!
It is inspiring, and
Submitted by SherriW13 on
It is inspiring, and beautiful, that you can recognize all of your baby steps to becoming less codependent.
Rosered, are you still
Submitted by dweeb on
Rosered, are you still currently with your ADHD spouse?
Yes and no. We are still
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Yes and no. We are still married but he lives almost all the time with his elderly parents, for whom he provides some caregiving services. This means that I'm responsible for all day-to-day issues with our house. Even while he was here more of the time, he was becoming less and less involved with parenting and household tasks, and so although it frustrates me that he doesn't make more of an effort to spend time with our children when they're home or to help with family and household management tasks, I've become accustomed to being the equivalent of a single parent and a single person.
Marriage and self
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I have spent so much time in the past several years looking directly at marriage. My life is about saving my marriage. My life is about showing the world an example of a good marriage. My life is frustrated by living in an uncomfortable situation.
As time is going on, I am TRYING to determine what this means to me. I have certainly had much input that instructed me to "be the wife of a happy husband." Pretty much got lost in that.
Now I want to be a wife. Be a woman of substance. Be the first person in my family of 8 siblings, between the ages of 39 and 56, to get a college degree. Enjoy time with my parents who still walk God's green earth with us, make quilts, someday get a children's book published, look forward to grandchildren, etc.
Liz
Another update: I spent
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Another update: I spent money on myself today. I know, this shouldn't be a big deal, but it is for me. It took me many years, until my mid-20s, to overcome my in-born tendency to engage in acts of self-denial. And then, in my late 30s, my husband went into what I call "employment-optional" mode. Well, it wasn't hard for me to stop spending money on myself. In fact, it was a virtue, because mostly through my efforts, I kept my family out of poverty and got our daughters through college. But now college has been paid for (except for the loans, but I'm working on those, too). And I desperately needed new sneakers and a new purse. And today, I bought them. I felt kind of uncomfortable while doing so, and the items were on sale, but still, I did it.
Wonderful. Good for you.
Submitted by SherriW13 on
Wonderful. Good for you. Enjoy your new stuff! :)
Well done :)
Submitted by Standing on
You are an inspiration!
Feels to me like the more I learn to care for myself, the more clearly I can see those around me, As I put to rest some old expectations of others, including my husband, the fog clears.
I actually used to resent my husband for things like - not noticing that I really needed a new pair of glasses. After all, I talked enough about how scratched they were. I guess I wanted him to say - Hey, honey, let's go pick out some new ones for you. I know they're expensive, but you need them. Now I say those words to myself and get it done. I don't know whether my old outlook was wrong in the first place or not. Maybe I was always hoping for a sugar-daddy kind of figure haha. Often I wish I knew what "normal" would be like.
Anyway, congratulations on being a grown up who takes care of her needs!
In my case, I don't think I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
In my case, I don't think I wanted a sugar daddy. It was more that for so many years, we really were scraping by, and now it still feels kind of scary to say, "It's OK. There's enough money so that I can buy clothing and not have us be in the red financially." I couldn't always say that.
Oh, I know,
Submitted by Standing on
I understand what you meant. I don't think I really was either, but I do think I secretly longed for someone to care for my best interests and now I wonder whether that was a romanticized dream. For me, I think I just wanted to be recognized for my self-sacrifice and have my husband treat me "special" for it. After all, I raised four children and always put their needs first... but then I remembered a time when I bought myself a nice jacket, on sale at a very reasonable price, and my husband was not at all pleased. I never did figure out if he didn't like the coat itself or the fact that I'd purchased it myself or what, but I never again did something like that. Then again, the four kids I've raised are not his children, so we don't have that tie between us. Not sure it would make a difference. Anyway, I sensed a similar vibe the other day when my shoes and sheets arrived. He glanced, realized that the packages were not for him, and it was like - hmmmphf! - he was not interested. O well. They were needed. I felt happy that I'd met my own needs.
My husband seems to want to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband seems to want to have a race for the bottom. He said he didn't need health insurance, that if he got in an accident, welfare would pay. Uh, honey, welfare as doesn't exist anymore, and by the way, we live in a marital property state, so if he gets in an accident, I'll be the one paying the bills. And by the way, the person paying the bills needs to be able to keep working, so I need to take care of my health! Realizing that he doesn't actually give a darn about my health and well-being was a rude awakening but I've mostly adjusted to it.
yikes
Submitted by Standing on
No medical coverage here, either, and if we get some it will have to be my doing. It's issues like this which have led me to so strongly consider legal separation. But my husband views legal sep as the same thing as divorce, so taking that step would likely be the end of marriage. I don't think he'd see any point in working toward coming to terms with things like finances and insurance.
On top of all that, if my husband does not get sex from me, he has told me that he considers us separated anyway . The way he has expressed it to me is that no sex means no love means he gives up on the relationship. So now I'm back to - if I want to be taken seriously and have a possibility of being heard, I must meet him on the sexual issue,,, but I do not expect that any of that will translate into him caring about whether I can get regular checkups for health concerns.
That's a pretty rude awakening to adjust to!
Yay!
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Rosered,
I like your thinking!
Liz