Some of you may be experiencing "The Marble Game" with your partners.
Imagine that you and your partner each had 100 marbles at the beginning of your relationship...when you first met. Each time, one of you "loses" an argument or is seen to be the "less knowledgeable person," that person has to give their spouse a marble.
Over time, especially early in the relationship, the mentally-unhealthy person had to "give" you lots of marbles...one at a time...each time he/she was shown to be wrong, or he/she forgot something, or he/she screwed up in some way.
After a short period of time, the "healthy" spouse will have more marbles than the other person. That imbalance can cause more stubbornness, denial of being wrong, refusing to change their ways, digging heels in....because the ADHD or mentally unhealthy person doesn't want to give away any more marbles.
I'll write more in awhile....got to run an errand.
I rewrote the explanation -
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I rewrote the explanation - hopefully to make "The Marble Game" more clear.
BTW.....The below also can happen in any relationship between two people...two friends, two lovers, parent/child, boss/employee, work colleagues, etc.
At the beginning, each partner is perceived to have roughly the same number of marbles. However, as the relationship progresses, and one partner may emerge as being weaker in decision-making, common sense, foresight, natural intelligence, and/or "walking around smarts," then marbles are lost by that person, and the other person gains marbles.
Marbles are also lost when one person makes mistakes...being late, bouncing a check, breaking something, causing a car accident, legal troubles, addiction issues, losing jobs, money troubles, over-spending, etc.
In a more equal relationship, each side will have a rather equitable share of "giving and taking" of marbles - because we're all human and all make mistakes.
However, when one side of relationship makes many more mistakes or is wrong much more often, then the relationship becomes uneven because one side is perceived to have many more marbles than the other. And, then resentment, denial, blaming, and lying, and twisting facts will come into play.
At that point, you may have a situation where the person with less marbles is going to "lash out" and criticize any imaginable thing in a lame attempt to "take away" some of the other's marbles. The one with all the marbles is confused that the other person is lashing out at them, or lying, etc.
Also...since such a person perceives himself or herself as having fewer marbles, it may take him or her a LONG time (maybe never) to admit that he/she was wrong (because that means losing MORE marbles).
more....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Usually in matters that are "traditionally male" or "traditionally female," one person will readily accept that the other partner "knows" more about the subject, particularly if they've proven competency
For instance, my H probably wouldn't argue matters of "doing laundry" or sewing or baking, because he would happily admit that he knows nothing about those things....in fact, it's probably a badge of manhood that he doesn't (in his head).
But, if I were to say that he was doing something dangerous (like putting papers on a stove or driving carelessly), he would likely fight me on those points unless he was in a really good mood.
My H FREQUENTLY breaks things...small things, big things, expensive things, cheap things. He's just not careful. Many times he tries to make excuses, and sometimes he'll even claim that it was my fault (because I hadn't warned him or reminded him or some other crazy answer.)
Wow, thanks for the
Submitted by Mayadevi on
Wow, thanks for the explanation !
How do you stop the game?
Mayadevi
You're not really playing it....your partner is....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It's not something you can stop.
The explanation of the game is just to give you a mental visual image of the dynamic, and to explain some of the strange reactions that you're witnessing.
The partner with the low self-esteem or executive function issues or ADHD issues is the one playing it. They're the ones who are perceiving that the other partner has more marbles.
Imagine that you're a great sales person at your company. You try your best, you come into work on-time or maybe a little early, you dress professionally, you listen to your clients, you make sure that orders are delivered on-time, and you keep very good records. So, each month you are the "sales leader" for your company..
Now, suppose another employee often comes in late, he's disheveled, he talks too much and doesn't listen to clients, and his records are disorganized so his orders get delayed or cancelled or lost. This employee has the worst sales record at your company.
That other employee is going to perceive you as having "a LOT more marbles" than he has. He becomes jealous or angry. He bad-mouths you and spreads rumors that you're stealing his clients or that you're defrauding the company.
You didn't cause him to feel that way. You didn't cause him to be a poor sales person. You can't (and shouldn't ) become a lesser success just to make him feel better (and it wouldn't make him feel better anyway).
There really isn't much you can do, because you're not really playing the game. Right? Maybe you can offer to give him some advice, and he might accept that. But, more likely he will tell you that he "doesn't need YOUR help, because he KNOWS what he's doing."
In a marriage, one solution is to get the person professional help to deal with self-esteem issues and executive function issues.
You can try boosting your spouse's ego, but if their core is so damaged or fragile, your efforts may not make much difference. Professional help is needed.
great analogy in marble game
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Overwhelmed, this is a great illustration. I think we've been in a marble game also. Maybe that's why it seems like my husband won't connect in a lot of ways with me, because he sees me with more marbles, even though he TALKS as though he's already won the game. He talks large, he talks himself important, genius IQ, better at such and such than so and so. This truly is an interesting thing to contemplate. Thanks
Apologies not given....or said to someone else....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
In another thread, someone mentioned that their H rarely apologizes to her. She mentioned that sometimes, her H will mention that he's sorry to someone else. This woman wondered why her H would apologize to someone else?
Well, that's The Marble Game going on. He's not going to apologize to you because he views that as ANOTHER time he has to give you a marble....and he thinks you have too many marbles as it is.
He apologizes to a "safe" third party because that doesn't require him to give that person a marble. He won't apologize to a person that your H also has a Marble Game competition going.
For instance, if your H perceives that his father is better, smarter, more organized, better with money, etc, than he is, then he isn't going to say to his dad, "I am so sorry that I spent the rent money on new skis and now my wife is upset and has to work over-time to get money for our rent." Your H may say that to his best friend who does similar impulsive things, but he'd not going to say that to his father who would likely think less of him for wasting money and causing you to have to work more hours.
interesting, I get it. It really IS THAT.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Overwhelmed, you are absolutely correct. This IS the marble game going on. Thank you for this. It was me that mentioned about my husband not saying sorry. I guess it really doesn't matter, if he does or doesn't. I have to STOP trying to see things as how I would do something.
An eye opener
Submitted by jennalemone on
Yes, this marbles game is going on here too. I have been thinking about this since I read it. It seems H gives nothing to me and even unconciously tries to "hurt" me to even things out ... take away my marbles? There is some jealousy and competition in the relationship. It is a low self esteem thing, isn't it?
Another Name for This....
Submitted by kellyj on
Is the "0" sum game. It is actually a way of thinking and everything is a competition. It's a difficult thing to see especially after it's too late and you have joined them in it and you are now predicting that you will have to compete yourself and then start doing it with them which by default....is what you have been doing.
The answer that I have found is not to let the competition begin. If you're already so use to playing this game with them....you will be joining them automatically and then it's too late.
Look at it this way......they're choosing a game that you don't want to play and you don't even realize it until after you are already playing it. If that's the case.....choose not to play. As soon as it starts.....say "no thank you"...and leave it right there.
If one spouse is playing this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
If one spouse is playing this game, it doesn't matter if the other spouse wants to participate; he or she will be drawn in. I'll analogize it to dodgeball: if H is throwing the ball at me, it doesn't matter if I'm not throwing the ball back at him; I'm likely to get hit by him.
In Dedgeball If I Recall....
Submitted by kellyj on
There is a second option than trying to dodge the ball so it doesn't hit you. You can turn and catch the ball instead of trying to dodge it. If I remember correctly....if you do this...and they have no balls to throw at you anymore.... they lose if you are playing the game with them. If you're trying not to play and they keep throwing them at you anyway thinking you are...every time to you take control of the situation and catch the ball.....you can say "game over...I'm not playing."
If you say "you lose" or try throwing it back at them... they will think your are still playing and keep trying to win.
Our grief in the face of gleeful exuberance
Submitted by jennalemone on
Pardon me if I am generalizing but..... I see a correlation between child play, immaturity and ADD. Many times I can tell if a person is ADD before I read further into an entry on this site. (Not this particular thread but over the years of my reading here) The ADDer will include words that are gleeful, impish and play-like (ie: hehe), believing themselves to be charming and beloved. This concept of marbles and competition and "playing" seems to me to be tied to the ADD phenomenon. Competition is a game. Teasing, self gratification, sarcasm and pretending are games.
It's Not a Game
Submitted by kellyj on
It's a way of life. Hi Jenna. I actually came back her to say something that crossed my mind that had to do with this metaphor. I know exactly what you are saying and I want to let you words stand and not try and refute them in any way. I can see something that possibly you cannot. I also do not know what you see unless I could understand the the last part of your comment...."believing themselves to be charming."
Here's a list of the traits you just mentioned ascribing them to ADD and what I see in what you said.
Playing a game...as in "Player?"
Competing or being competitive.....as in, trying to win?
Taking gleeful pleasure in beating the competition...for self gratification.
Winning is everything. It's not how you play the game.
Pretending to play fair or by the rules....but secretly cheating to win and knowing "I'm getting away with it"?
Being charming and believing that everyone loves them ..because they love themselves and think everyone else does?
I came back here to mention cheating and not playing by the rules. This thread and the "game" analogies are just metaphors to get everyone on the same page and to speak the same language for understanding.
As I was recognizing the "0" sum game within the example given that are not unlike the marble game metaphor.....I was coming from my own understanding of the "0" sum game and bringing it to the table. It's not a game. It's a symptom of chronic way of thinking that is not that uncommon. To a certain degree....everyone does this and it can be a trap that we get stuck in a times.....but not all the time as a state of mind.
This is what I saw when I read your comment (truely)....it was the first thing that crossed my mind. I know people like this and this is not a game. It really is a way of life 24/7 for these people. I have no idea if they have ADD or not. I have no idea if this is tied to ADD. I do know these people and ones like them. Most of them are sale peoples. It's why they excel at it. They didn't get this way from doing that kind of work. They were like this to begin with and were a perfect fit for the job already.
It's why people like this gravitate towards sales.....it's what they do all of the time already and they are usually very successful at it. I think less successful many times in their relationships at home however. Many in my experience from being around them or working with them most of my life are single and serial manogamists. Or single and divorced. Or married and cheat.
Not all sales people are like this....but in my experience from being around them and working with them for over 40 years says that many of them are. If I went looking for someone like this however....I would go find a group of sales people because in that group....I am sure I would find at least a few to pick from.
Without thinking about what you wrote.....this was the first thing that instantly crossed my mind. Honestly.
J
PS If you've never seen the movie Gary Glen Ross with Alec Baldwin....there is a famous scene and line from it that sums up what I said perfectly..."Always be closing." This rings loud and clear with my own expereince.
O sum game?
Submitted by jennalemone on
I don't understand what the O sum game is. Please elaborate what you mean. I believe you are opening a door to my understanding with what you are saying. Not playing by rules and "closing" are two of my H's "way of life". He was a traveling salesman.
I used to be flirty and fun when I was young. I'm afraid I am not able to be fun with H. It feels too much like 2 fools making silliness a lifestyle. When there are children and grandchildren, someone has to pay bills and put food on the table. It is resentfullness-making when one of a couple is "always closing" and not playing by the rules "cheating".
It's Very Simple (edited for Math error lol)
Submitted by kellyj on
Your gain is my loss. And Conversely....my gain is your loss. It is in it's purest form is an algebraic equation. Any time you add one number to one side of the = sign...you must take the exact same number away from the other side so both sides will always cancel one another and remain at a constant 0. This or a balance sheet in accounting....all things must equal 0 if you take both sides and add them together....... For example 1 +1 = 2
1 + 1 ( -1) = 2 (-1) or 2(x -1) = 2(x-1) or finally -2 = -2
Now do this 1 + 1 = 2 1 + 1 = 2 - 1 or finally 2 = 1? This can't be. You have to take -1 from 2 to make it equal 1 = 1.
In the true sense of competition....this works. In accounting and investing money or banking....this works. In sales or business....this works. In personal relationships things don't work because this is not how the world works. Give and take does not always exactly = 0 . If everything is based on the net result having always to be even...then you are always going to be keeping track of who gets what and what you aren't getting if someone gets something that you don't get. You will be left feeling like something is wrong and that you are being cheated or treated unfairly. It will also make you feel like you are always coming from behind and trying to catch up to the other person and everything starts to become a tit for tat exchange in all areas. It's also impossible to keep track of and the tendency there is to make sure you are always getting "enough" any time you see someone else get something that you don't get. You start thinking in terms of what I'm not getting instead of what you are getting when this happens. Once you start this kind of thinking....it is very difficult to stop it. It's an every man/woman for themselves kind of situation and you are not operating as a team. It creates a condition of "scarcity" which leaves you feeling empty and never getting enough.
In a team approach. You sacrifice for the better of the whole and don't see that as a negative. The goal is to win together as a team no matter who is on the team who is better and can score more points since at the end of the day and they win....you win too. There is no "I" in team.
What you get from this approach is the personal satisfaction of knowing that you did your best and you contributed your part to the whole. " Don't count your cards while your sitting at the table....there'll time for counting when the dealing's done" is a perfect metaphor for this. " Lose the battle and win the war" is another. These point to exactly the same thing......stop thinking in terms of everything being "0" sum because there are more important things and other rewards than just money or objects.
"Keeping up with the Jones" or even the debate on immigration. "If them wet backs keep pouring in and taking all my hard earned tax money that I give to the government.....there'll be less for me?" In reality....."them wet backs" have been supporting business and the economy with low paying labor for decades and no one has lost any jobs because of it unless there are only 10 jobs and 11 people applying for them. This isn't reality or the situation and there are many other factors involved and to consider. "0" sum says NO. They're only taking from me....as if once you give your tax money to the government and it still belongs to you? Unfortunately...this is not a 1 to 1 relationship. It's not your money even at the time you earned your pay check. You owe them ( the government) that money from the second you earn it and it was never yours to begin with only....left in your charge until it comes time to pay what you owe? This is a very one dimensional way of seeing things. In the "0" sum way of seeing it....I might not get my fair share if "them wet backs" are taking something from me. Instead of seeing it like....they are giving something by working here and many pay taxes as well. Even for the ones who don't....someone is benefiting from this or they wouldn't be here in the first place. Somehow, somewhere....someone has to be getting some benefit from migrant workers or immigrants unless they are all stealing every dime they get to feed themselves which cannot be possible. Are there loop holes or certain times when there are leaks in this system. Yes. But not the vast majority. Base on this thinking.....it's all or nothing. Black and white. If 100% or 100% of every immigrant isn't providing and contributing 100%....therefore....there is no benefit in 90% because 10% are getting something for free.
In reality....the net effect of the 90% might be producing 120% benefit with a net benefit of 10% in the positive column. "0" sum thinking says no.....it's 10% loss if 10% are getting something for free and something that I'm not getting. Which in my mind is stupid but that's my own personal 2 bits. I respect anyone who does not feel this way for their own reasons....this just happens to be mine. That's my personal negative prejudice against someone who seemingly can't do math? I should be more open minded to hearing other positions as well for the same reason. I might not be seeing something that they see and only see what I see?
I use this example because I hire Hispanic workers from time to time and have worked along side them. My experience says that they work harder and are more conscientious many times more than the average white American laborer that I have hired at times. I get the benefit from them and they need the job and give me at least what I expect and many times more. What I don't see happening is what the fear is about.....there all coming here to take jobs, cheat the system and get thing for free. So in my argument against this kind of "0" sum thinking says......"you are more worried that a few bad apples will take something from you in the fear you won't get your share or in fear that they are getting something that you aren't getting even if it doesn't directly affect you....and completely overlook any benefits and positive contributions by most of the other's who come here to work hard and even pay taxes so therefore....they all should go? '0" sum thinking says yes. No one gets unless I get even if it doesn't directly affect me.
I hope that makes this easier to understand. The net effect of "0" sum thinking is not "0". It's -"0" or negative in every respect.
J
PS...Ha Ha.....edited for math error! lol Now you see why I'm not an accountant. I think this is ADHD related but I'm not sure....probably? lol Do I have trouble understanding basic math? No. Do I have trouble at times writing down the right answer even when I know it. Yes? Funny thing here....somehow something made me go back and check my math.....formed habit? Most definitely....I expect to be wrong:)
Ahhhhh...the balance sheet!
Submitted by jennalemone on
If only relationships had an accountable balance sheet with numbers to visually even out things!
I have witnessed in MOST families this phenomonon: The Adorable Bully
I have 2 granddaughters. Older child is "all for the team", "share equally". Younger child thinks in terms as "I want what she has and more"....and will swipe without thinking about any "whole" or "relationship".
I worry that the "team player" will either become a "back of the room" person accustomed to letting other people have their way with her..losing joy of life and satisfaction. The grabby one will be fine...everyone thinks she is cute and gutsy, admiring her willful personality.
How do we help the cooperative child learn to hold her own in life? When I am there I must police this action constantly. Teachings and constant talking about this seem to have less effect on Miss Grabby than the pleasure she gets from "getting away with" getting her way. I have seen this child with big tears of devastation for a small reason (ie: the blue dish instead of the red dish) then, when given her way...an impish, victorious (devilish) smile crosses her face.
The strong survive? Or can human beings nurture/learn cooperation? OR are us cooperative souls being wimpy and should we learn to PLAY THE GAME and stop the pity party?
As you can guess H is the salesman grabby one in our relationship and I am the one who was conditioned to give in to a younger entitled sister for the good of peace and family union.
Ever See the Movie..."The Bad Seed?"
Submitted by kellyj on
It's a classic and exactly what you are seeing on a much more subdued level I think?
J
This is true!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It really doesn't take "two to tango." My H has often said that he "picked me" because he noticed that I could do a lot. He liked that I could do various domestic things, business things, could fix many things, and was educated. The reality was that he liked that I could do many things that he could not. The flip side is that those same things that he admired are also the same things that make him feel inadequate.....and makes him lash out.
Many of us can recite many incidents where our mentally unstable partners or others have literally argued with themselves. Years ago, a therapist told H and me, "it takes two to have an argument." I told him, "no, my H can argue all by himself." The T didn't believe me. It didn't take long for me to provide evidence. A few days later, H got annoyed at something minor, he started misdirecting his anger at me, I turned on a micro-recorder set it down out of sight, went into another room and locked the door. I climbed out the window and left. H didn't know I had left. He stood at the door ranting and raving, without ceasing for 82 minutes. He would repeat himself, go off tangent, repeat again, go on another tangent, repeat the new tangent, go on another tangent, and so on. It was obvious that somewhere in the middle, he was no longer even dealing with anything that had first upset him. Keep in mind that the first thing that upset him in regards to me was very minor (like maybe I didn't hear him because I was near a noisy appliance, and I asked him to repeat what he said), but likely there were things that had happened at work earlier in the day that upset him.
I had done similar things like the above before. One time I went into our bedroom, locked the door to escape his rants, put pillows in the shaped of a body under the blankets, and climbed out the window. When H unlocked the door, he stood by the bed ranting and raving for a long time before he realized that I wasn't really in the bed.
At the time, I didn't know about things like Borderline Personality Disorder. Once I learned about that, the pieces fell into place.
Anyway, when I played the recording to our T, of a total one-way fight, he had to admit that he had never heard anything like it. H truly can argue all by himself.
What Is That All About?
Submitted by kellyj on
My grandmother use to do this too. Not in anger....just start talking about something and it would just ramble on indefinitely.
We use to leave the room after trying to give her all the cues that one could come up with to try and get her to stop. Eventually....we would walk out of the room while she was still talking. We would be in the other end of the house and could still hear her going on and on as if someone was there. I don't think it mattered....it didn't matter if you said anything or not anyway.
My father would look at my mother and say "who's she talking to?"...as a passive aggressive jab towards my mother. This was her mother of course and she drove my father crazy when she came to visit. I will admit however....it was downright weird and it drove me, my father and the rest of our family crazy. This wasn't talking to herself like people do....she was having a conversation with someone who was not there???
My opinion is that they're working their anxiety out....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I have a friend who when I talk to on the phone, she will literally talk non-stop. That's ok when I'm on a long drive and I put her on speaker phone, and I just listen. However, when I have to get off the phone, I will try to say, "hey, can I call you back?" She doesn't hear me. She's "on a roll" of talking. Sometimes, my cell phone will drop the call and she won't realize it...because she's not looking for feedback, she's just working out her anxiety.
When my H does this, it's vicious, insulting, demeaning, which is why I leave the house.
not that easy without
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
not that easy without becoming a total doormat.
Imagine that your partner/game-player discovers that the joint bank account is over-drawn. He accuses you of bouncing a check. You rightfully say that you haven't written any checks for a long time. He insists that you did. You remember that he recently wrote a big check at a sporting goods store for new ski equipment. You mention the big check and The Marble Game is in play. A person who has no issues will just say, "Oh, that's right, I'm so sorry." But, a person who believes he has a low stash of marbles isn't going to want to: 1) apologize for accusing you. 2) readily admit that his unnecessary purchase caused the account to be overdrawn.
Are you supposed to say nothing and just pretend that you bounced the check?
Another example: (a true story) husband forgets that he set down his briefcase behind his car while getting something out of the trunk. He ends up backing his car over his briefcase and smashing his brand new laptop that was inside. He was the only one around when this occurred. No one else to fairly blame. BUT....no way does he want to "give a marble" and tell his wife what he did and have to spend a lot more money buying another expensive laptop. So, he twists the situation in a way to "blame" his spouse for his mistake. In this case, he says it's his wife's fault because she had earlier parked the car in the shade and that somehow "caused" him to not see his briefcase behind his car (where HE had placed it). Wife doesn't respond because husband's accusation is just ridiculous. But, that doesn't change the fact that The Marble Game is in play because the husband knows that this is just one more screw-up that he's caused.
This is going on here too. I
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is going on here too. I am accused, blamed and called names for his mistakes. It has been a lifetime of me being introspective and trying to understand and compromise and his passing his mistakes on to me to be rid of them in himself then drinking them away to sooth himself and reward himself on a game well-played.
Yes....I Hope You Hear Me
Submitted by kellyj on
when I consider the advantages that this gives one person over another person if this is what is happening and they happen to be better than you at doing this. If you only pick what you are best at doing...while you competition is less capable than you....you are taking advantage of them. I clearly see this inequity and why this isn't easy if you are going up against someone who has stacked the deck against you in this way. It's not only not fair....it's taking advantage of other people weaknesses.
In my mind there is a name for this....it's called being a "bully." I hate bullies. That's my two bits on that one.
J
yes....low self esteem
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
yes....low self esteem
yes.....very low self esteem
Submitted by kellyj on
Very interesting side effect from this game. I had never really connected this until just now even though as a symptom all by itself.......I have been extremely aware of this and frustrated by it most of my life. I immediately agree with you on the low self esteem part...it fits perfectly in what I know and have experienced myself but I never connected this exactly to what you just said. My personal experience tells me this.....
In a "real" games of sportsmanship or in sports in general. Nearly anyone who has come from that background knows the rules and the expectations that are considered "good sportsmanship". This is absolutely taught from the first time you enter competition in any organized sporting activity you can think of male or female. When you lose....you are taught to shake the opponents hand and congratulate them for beating you. In the moment....your heart may be sinking and your self esteem is as low as it can get and to do this requires you to be the better man and show another face and your best foot forward than the one you are experiencing inside. No one from the youngest age you can imagine is not required to do this and the fathers, mothers and coaches will take aside any kid who can't do this correctly and explain to them that this is not acceptable behavior to pout or cry and make a scene in front of everyone by displaying your emotions like this which is very poor form indeed.
Another thing you are taught from the get go as a requirement of good sportsmanship and in order to play....is that when your team mate screws up and may even have cost the game for the entire team or even any lessor moments called "errors" (officially)....instead of jumping down their throat and accusing them of screwing it up for everyone.....everyone one is required by good sportsmanship to resist the urge to do this and instead....tell the person to "shake it off....don't let it get to you ....It's Okay, you can do this"...with a slap on the back (or butt).
Even if you are not a big fan of sport or don't really care about them or have watched them much.....you've seen this on every level from children right into the professionals and know this is true. There is no such thing as not failing if you play. It is part of the challenge that always confronts you every time you play and is what makes it interesting and fun. Can you imagine if everyone was perfect and no one made a mistake? The game would be predictable and boring and would be over as soon the the coin was tossed to see who went first. The person who went first would always win because no one would ever make a mistake or error.
Cheating is a way to rig the game so you can determine the winner before the game starts. There is no "game" or sporting event if that happens. If you know who is going to win....there is no point in playing? If's not fun....it's not fair.....and you get no personal satisfaction or sense of accomplishment from it. All you get is the prize at the end and the recognition for something that you didn't earn.
If your only goal is the prize, the adoration of the fans and a ribbon you can hang on the wall to prove to everyone that you are a winner......then you are going to be the kind of person who can't withstand making a mistake and admitting it because of what you are really wanting deep down inside. To feel better about yourself because you have very low self esteem.
The flip side of this going back to being a good sport. When you come from this experience.....you understand the reward that you get from it. The "award" ribbon on the wall is just a symbolic reminder for yourself of what you've accomplished but not the actually "reward".
The reward is the experience of losing, failing, making mistakes,struggling, striving and working hard and trying your best and then finally....improving, getting better, moving past your failings and losses and then finally winning. When you win like this....there is no greater feeling. It is a self defining moment when this happens and it cannot happen without making mistakes and failing first.
The "award" at the end in the form of the "prize" is only a recognition of this accomplishment. I cannot give the reward and the feeling of self esteem you get from failing and making mistakes in front of all of your peers and family and anyone else who is watching when you do this.....and then what happens when you are at your lowest and your team surrounds you and supports you and tells you it's Okay and to shake it off when you do.
When you play other than this way and the "prize" or "award" is all that is important.....you never get the "reward." You never learn that mistakes are a necessary part of this and you never learn to apologize for you failings, admit when you are wrong, and support others when they fail. This is what you learn when you play games in this way and you get what you put into it in self esteem along with it.
J
In a "real" games of sportsmanship or in sports in general. Nea
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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In a "real" games of sportsmanship or in sports in general. Nearly anyone who has come from that background knows the rules and the expectations that are considered "good sportsmanship". This is absolutely taught from the first time you enter competition in any organized sporting activity you can think of male or female. When you lose....you are taught to shake the opponents hand and congratulate them for beating you. In the moment....your heart may be sinking and your self esteem is as low as it can get and to do this requires you to be the better man and show another face and your best foot forward than the one you are experiencing inside. No one from the youngest age you can imagine is not required to do this and the fathers, mothers and coaches will take aside any kid who can't do this correctly and explain to them that this is not acceptable behavior to pout or cry and make a scene in front of everyone by displaying your emotions like this which is very poor form indeed.
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This has fascinated me about my H. He played organized sports for many years...particularly baseball, but also other sports. H is a terrible loser...horrible loser...a total poor sport. I asked him about this very issue....handshakes and congratulating the other team after a loss. Yes, he did grudgingly do it (because it wasn't optional), but he would cuss and swear and kick things the rest of the day. His parents (horrible parents when it came to teaching their kids anything), did nothing to "right" that horrible behavior. EXCEPT for, "You need to take your meds." Those words would be said, over and over, whenever H became upset/emotional/angry about various things. (In fact, whenever I sense that H is starting to get emotional (usuallly over nothing), I will GENTLY say that he needs to take a tranquilizer, but because he associates those words with his parents daily mantra, that upsets him, too.
Interesting?
Submitted by kellyj on
When I wrote this....I was picturing my own experience from playing baseball and what I learned from it?
Yes! And your experience is likely what most kids .....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Yes! And your experience is likely what most kids experienced. I'm just wondering why my H would only grudgingly shake the others hand, and would be a terrible loser for the next 24 hours.
And...once he was out of organized sports, and was only playing golf, tennis, and racquetball for leisure (no coach), when H would lose, he'd be a terrible sport, rude to the winners, and worse. In fact, when he'd play his fomer roommate in a game of tennis, if H lost, he'd throw his racquet, call his roomie names, etc. HIs roomie was good natured, but it amazed me when I heard about these antics later that a grown man would act this way after he had been "taught" by coaches to be a good loser.