Recently, our teenage son said he knew my wife hid his portable game system in her locked drawer and he could not get to it. Last night, she opened the drawer (she says it was locked) and found it missing. This is the same drawer where she keeps sex toys. We have file cabinets with locks in our bedroom precisely because both our son and our daughter routinely go into our room without permission and look through our dressers and under the bed. I keep medications in the locked drawer next to my side of the bed.
She wanted me to go up and confront him. As I was going up to his room, he screamed for me to stop. When I got to the top of the stairs, his door was wide open. He was sitting naked on his bed and had his laptop in front of him. I turned around and told him that the system was missing and he should not go through our private stuff while I walked away.
My wife started demanding that I go back upstairs, find the system, and take it from him. I did not want to do that. She then got into how he was getting away with it and I should not care about his privacy since he did not care about ours/hers. I pointed out that this wasn't just about him. She was not considering that my feelings mattered and that I was very uncomfortable. I don't think my feelings even entered her head. It was all about getting the system back and punishing him.
She began to grill me about WHY I was uncomfortable, which, of course, served to make me even more uncomfortable. She displayed a lack of empathy and invalidated my feelings. How much more do I need to explain it beyond I feel uncomfortable after I walked in on our son masturbating? Is "uncomfortable" a pretty reasonable and predictable reaction to the situation?"
This morning she threatened to withhold his phone unless he confessed and gave back the system. He did so and claimed that she had left the drawer unlocked. She said she locked it and it was locked when she opened it to find the system missing.
She also admitted this morning that it was understandable that I should feel uncomfortable.
There are several reason's for concern here.....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's tough to be the Head of the Home (Husband) at times...And you can multiply that by many times over when your wife isn't respectful, and on board w/ you....
I don't know what you allow in your home, but it's evident that there are problems....When a teenager is bold enough to look at probably porn and masturbate with his bedroom door standing wide open, he is showing a gross lack of respect...And he is also making a statement that he has no fear of punishment for his actions...That's a real problem that will only escalate....
c
And, by the way,
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
No one in the family considers me "the head of home." (OK, the dog does. But certainly not the cats.) The kids see my wife boss me around and disregard my views on how we should handle things. They see how we will come to an agreement, only to have her reopen the issue and keep nudging me and nudging me until I give in out of exhaustion.
Head of the household....
Submitted by c ur self on
Well in my opinion, and in the opinion of the bible (which is my opinion)....(1st Corinthians chapter 11)....You and I and all husbands, hold the responsibility of the head of the family and the head of the wife....But, I guess if a person doesn't believe in the bible truths, then they can make their own plan...But it gets ugly when the H and W have different plans...LOL....
Maybe that's my problem, I want let my wife be the Boss:)
c
Not JUST lack of respect
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Certainly there are lack of respect issues. But there are also more ADHD-related issues. I am the only person who consistently closes the FRONT DOOR in the family. My wife closes it SOMETIMES. My kids hardly ever close it. I have even come home to find that my wife left the front door open with nobody home. Keep in mind that we also have pets who could get out.
Also, to put this in context, my wife was changing into her pajamas as she was telling me to go back up there. This included taking off her shirt without a bra. I pointed out to her that the bedroom door was wide open. She dismissed my concern--our son wasn't going to come down from his room!
There is basic absent-mindedness at work here--not thinking of the need to close the doors. There is also a disregard for consequences--the basic willingness to do something wrong, risky, or inappropriate because, as my wife put it, "you can't live your life in fear of what might happen." Bad things just aren't going to happen. Until they do, of course. (For example, my unwillingness to go further into debt for an expensive vacation for "fear" that we might need the money for something else followed by the discover that chimney liner collapsed and ruined the water heater. I had to take out loans against my retirement savings to pay for the repairs. So if something isn't CERTAIN, it is automatically very unlikely and not worth worrying about.)
Back before we had kids, we lived in a major, densely populated city with neighboring apartments near our windows. We had to keep the blinds closed because she insisted on walking around topless. When I complained about this, she twisted "I'd like to be able to see out the windows" into me insulting her because I should be happy that my wife walks around topless. Why didn't I like seeing her topless???
I understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
Yep BOP...Same here, just w/o the kids....There is something about the light, her add mind has to have to even function...My wife leaves the door open all the time....I have woke up and found it open all night....As I read your reply's I just smiled and chuckled (we live w/ many of the same behaviors)....I've walked in from work, and found her walking around the house in a fog w/ a tee shirt and no panties...Just stumbling around like she was lost, (off her adderall).....She can stay in the bed all day, and multiple days at times...When our adult Son's are in town she has come into the kitchen for breakfast wearing just a t-shirt and panties w/ no bra...(d cup tits)...The sad part of that was....She raised her two boys by herself, so I'm sure they were us to it...But, I told her she is married now and it's embarrassing and disrespectful of me and the boys to not cover herself...After a few years of walking up and whispering in her ear, to go put on some shorts and a bra on...She has improved a great deal...
This is another whole story for another time....But the fact is...much of this behavior is done w/ no awareness that it's inappropriate....That is the only reason I stay!...Not saying they can't judge for themselves, or that they don't know right from wrong....But my wife has a huge black whole in her awareness level, and her recall ability, when it comes to things that she has never made important....
c
Electronics
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
When my son was growing up he was impossible to discipline and impossible to motivate. We attended parenting classes and seminars. We read parenting books and watched parenting tv shows. None of the techniques that we learned about worked on our son. Every system that we usd to motivate him, he would figure out how tow to manipulate, abuse, and work around the system. He didn’t respond to punishments or he would sneak behind our back and work around it. When he was a preteen and young teen we would attempt to take electronics away him. We finally had to resort to putting a heavy duty lock on one of the doors in our house. Inside that room we put a lock box with all of the tv remotes and tv power cords, all of the game controllers, his phone, all of the keyboards, mouse, and power cords to the computers, as well as the WiFi router. The lengths that we went to just to enforce a punishment was unbelievable. He’s not that way anymore. He’s 18 and he’s mature, responsible and easy going. Don’t give up hope that your son’s behavior can improve.
I enjoy your posts, Bowl.
Submitted by rainbow on
I don't have any advice to offer in regards to this issue (I don't have kids), BUT I have been wanting to tell you that I really enjoy your posts. I like how you share quick play-by-plays of things you're currently dealing with.
I always hesitate to post on this forum because I feel like I have to puke my whole story out at one time. You all know how absolutely overwhelming that is.
My partner and I aren't married, but we've been together ten years. I started researching/learning about adhd seven years in when most of our interactions had grown intolerable.
He told me he had adhd when we met - he was diagnosed as a kid - but didn't give me any reason to think it was a big deal. He was totally out of touch with/unaware how much it affected his life. He is trying harder now but is still pretty "out of touch," in my opinion.
Anyway, please keep sharing...and know that someone is reading and appreciating it. :)