I have tried.
I've been pleasant, kind, gracious, communicative, appreciative, and loving.
We have been together all day long at work for a year and a half, so my firm resolve to pursue a sense of normalcy for MYSELF, regardless of his antics, has been quite noticeable.
I do not discuss money with him anymore. I keep the books and review the balance sheets with his business manager. The business manager tells him, "Do not spend any money." Last night, I got shouted at because of that.
The experience was just like years ago, when he would go on and on and on about how he perceived that I was undercutting his authority with my son (because i would not stand by and allow him to twist reality).
It was just like the hours and hours I used to listen to him fume about how "you laugh and have fun with the kids, with the dogs, not with me".
hours and days and weeks and YEARS and nothing has changed with him.
But i have changed. This lasted 10 minutes max. I stood nose to nose with him, matched his volume, did not wither or retreat, and continued to repeat that I will not he held reaponsible for his paranoia or insecurity. I will not. (I used to say "can not".)
i will not be accused, i will not be told what i think or how i feel. I will not work or live in such conditions and i will not have this conversation again. Then i walked away.
He apologized shortly afterward. He needs me there today. Business manager's day off. I will be there.
Next week i will work 20 hours max. I will assist; i will not carry the burden.
That reminds me. I told him, What you are seeing is adults relating as adults. The unspoken follow up is: rise up to the challenge if you want to feel like a part of the team.
Let me re-phrase that!
Submitted by Standing on
Yes, I can SO be myself around him. He just does not like it.
Does It Stop
Submitted by greatgrace42 on
For years my husband went diagnosed but not medicated for ADD - he just flat out didn't think he had it - I was the crazy one... I left him and then he came to the realization that he has ADD started medication, went to debt management classes, has a counselor and reads books about ADD behavior all of the time. Sounds like I would have nothing to complain about... Well since we got back together I have noticed a continual "new" issue - I call it paranoia/insecurities/irrational thinking. I could say "Did you take the trash out" and he interprets it to mean that I blame him for all of my life problems and than goes down a road of how our marriage will likely end in divorce. Sometimes I don't even know what I said to get from asking a question or making a statement to we are getting a divorce.
I have suggested to him that we see his counselor together, maybe there is something going on here that we need to look deeper into. He refuses. Today I feel like I am back at square one again - telling him there is something going on here that we need to look into, much like the ADD. I am getting the same response of denial, the "your the one who needs to see a counselor" and the usual go to phrase "You don't ever see the good I do"...
It came up again today and I told him - I won't keep doing this with him and that if we couldn't see a counselor together then I did want a divorce - his response was for me to "Get Out of His House".
Wow!
A Team
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
A team, hmmm. Well, My spouse, myself, our son (25) and our daughter (23) have gotten into some really frustrating patterns of communication.
Decisions were hard to be made, especially regarding family events. They usually get changed so much, maybe that is why it has turned into something crazy.
Several weeks ago, I asked my son and daughter to tell me some dates that would work to sing Happy B'Day to their Dad. She works, my son-in-law works, my son works, his girlfriend works. . . .so I asked them to co-ordinate a day. I thought his actual B'Day would be great, since it was a Friday. My daughter then mentioned that wouldn't work becasue her Dad was taking the RV and going camping with his friend. Wow - news to me. So, I just went along with the whole thing of the camping. I asked my spouse about the camping, and he said he thought it would be fun for his b'day. So I made plans of my own. Well, it is in fact Labor Day weekend. . . .and they cannot find any camping areas in the surrounding 100 miles that have any open spots for a 33 foot RV. So the next thing I know, they are just taking the Rv to his friend's property and staying there. And then my daughter comes up with the idea of taking a cake and ice cream there to sing Happy B'Day. I said I couldn't go as I had made other plans. She asked if I would be offended if she did it anyway. Nope. it will be great with me. So, yesterday comes along, my son stops in to take a shower and says "Aren't you going to Dad's birthday?" Nope, I told him I had other plans.
Yuck. I had attempted to tie down a date to sing Happy B'Day. I have changed my way of doing things by NOT flying by the seat of my pants. My life had been all about changing plans to fit my spouses ever-changing plans.
Wow, sounds so familiar
Submitted by FindingHope on
The first five years that I was with my ADHD husband (we didn't know he had ADHD), I was completely shocked about what a mess it was when his family tried to make plans. When we had my first son, his mom offered to come help and told us a date. So I planned for my parents to come another weekend. Next thing we know, his mom or sister booked a flight the same week my parents were coming and didn't even ask us. Next his brother tells us on a Monday that he was coming to stay with us that week for a month. What the what?? Mind you we had just had a baby and had a tiny one bedroom apartment. His brother proceeds to just show up on our door step and not pay for a single thing. He starts bringing over a model (not kidding, a Freddrick's of Hollywood model) and they stay on our couch in our living room for days (again without asking us). I had to breastfeed in my bedroom all day because I didn't feel comfortable being in the living room with them. Next his brother starts taking my husband out at night looking for women because he got in a fight with the model. We were planning our wedding and then I found my husband looking at pictures of the model on facebook. What the heck. It was like his family brought complete chaos into our lives. That was the first time I called off the wedding. I just didn't understand what was going on.
When we moved back to be closer to his family, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Every time his family tried to get together is was weeks and weeks of phone calls and confusion and finally a big mess of a plan.
We now are pretty sure his mom and dad and maybe some of his siblings have ADHD as well. :)
Your not alone!
Me either
Submitted by SherriW13 on
This takes on a life of it's own here. I hold back. Even with my kids, I have to be the serious, responsible one. Someone has to be. I LONG to laugh and be silly and make jokes and LAUGH. Did I mention LAUGH? I hit me so hard a few months ago...how long it has been since there was laughter and joy in our home. The black cloud that constantly looms sucks the life out of me...and I miss that girl so much. When I am with my friends I can laugh, be myself, and know that they love me and enjoy my company..just as I am. I can't really articulate why I cannot be this person around my husband...I just can't. Fear? When my husband isn't around, we laugh and joke and act silly.
He knows I hold back and don't open up...even in the bedroom. I can fully explain that...fear of being vulnerable. I have often thought...if I could just mange to BE that person, even around my husband regardless of his reaction, then maybe, just maybe things would be different. I know that's who he fell in love with but she hides like a scared little girl behind a wall built of rejection, mistrust, lacking in love and emotional support. I think he would love that person...but I just can't.
How can he love a person
Submitted by Standing on
How can he love a person without seeing the whole, entire individual?
I keep running into that narcissistic requirement that I reflect him as wonderful. Godlike, even.
now i do not even have to nag or complain or or be sad to catch his contempt. All I have to do is BE. Be busy, be still, be occupied with something or someone other than him. "Why are you so moody?!?" he demands to know. Moment by moment, i care less and less how this pans out. Does not matter how happy and spontaneous... if that energy is not directed toward him, his envy and paranoia rage.
I do not like how this is panning out
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
Moment by moment, i care less and less how this pans out. Does not matter how happy and spontaneous...
I realized today another one of the realities of my situation that really galls me: the feeling that my spouse is betraying me to my children - behind my back. Taking them into his confidence. Grr. They ARE adults. they are allowed to make up their own minds, It just makes the playing field very distorted if I am trying to be the Mom/Peacemaker/Go-Between and my spouse chooses to sing his woes to our children.
I cannot control him, I know. I have tried to set a precedent that none of us will speak of the other if that person is not in the room. Such as I will not discuss my son's frustration with the clutter my spouse leaves around the barn unless myself, my son and my spouse are present.
As with most everything else, my ideals are balked at and ignored.
I will try to find a professional to lay out our finances in black and white on paper. I need to see them spelled out just as much as my spouse does.
I want to find a path of joy. And less financial burden on my own shoulders. Just as I have fought the idea of separation or divorce for the past 10 years - so have I fought against the idea of bankruptcy. We racked up this debt, it is our responsibility to pay it.
You wrote a mouthful!
Submitted by Standing on
" It just makes the playing field very distorted if I am trying to be the Mom/Peacemaker/Go-Between and my spouse chooses to sing his woes to our children. "
You will always be Mom. No choice about it. But go-between and peacemaker? O yes, that is up to you.
My kids are not his; they had no blood ties to sway them in their own personal witness to his mental distortions. Since they are now of age, there is no going-between, because there is no going.
However! On a different level (and on a grander scale) I recognized that I had attempted to carry on this role within his business. My version of mamahen. Ugh. No more. Time for the chicklets to learn their own strategiss for relating with him. I have bowed out.