Submitted by Best2You on 03/25/2015.
I'm interested in hearing from anyone but especially people with teenagers or older children on how/if an ADHD father's low frustration tolerance and angry outbursts have affected their children. I have two young ADHD children and wonder if seeing their father's reactions will affect them in the long run. I think the children need patience and calm voices which my husband with untreated ADHD has trouble providing sometimes. Husband's sudden outbursts can be about anything from other drivers, long lines, people/cars moving slowly, spilled water/food, etc.
Yes, they do
Submitted by redhead1017 on
My husband has had rage issues our entire message and refuses to work on them, citing that circumstances and other people drive him to this foolish behavior.
My kids all think he's ridiculous and have very little respect for him. If anything, it's caused them to be better people (they are all older, mind you). They have seen their dad make excuses for his behavior, cast blame on everyone but himself, basically an angry little man who has done absolutely nothing with his life other than make one excuse after the other. They are determined that their lives are the complete opposite of their dad's. I don't necessarily think this would be the case in every family, but he's sort of a cautionary tale. :)
Sorry to sound bitter, I'm making some hard choices right now about ending the relationship and I'm angry at myself for staying this long and wasting so much time and energy on this man waiting for him to change or make something of himself.
One Thing Missing in His Logic
Submitted by kellyj on
My husband has had rage issues our entire message and refuses to work on them, citing that circumstances and other people drive him to this foolish behavior.
His citing of circumstance may be absolutely true for him. Melissa introduced me to emotional lability which she said should be considered a core feature of ADHD and I could see this in myself once I read up in it. This not only applies to anger but the full range of strong emotions for someone with ADHD. People with ADHD are more likely to have this feature compared to ones with ADD only from what I read. Foolish or not ( based possibly as a component to ADHD )....it's his responsibility to find a way not to do it and deal with this himself and still be able to live with the feelings when other people drive him crazy and not rage. It's not everyone's issue it's his...... but he's rationalizing that is. This is the critical error in his logic.
J
There's always fallout from unstable emotions....
Submitted by c ur self on
My first/late wife was a meek person, who hated to admonish our two girls. She had a Mother who would not allow her Father to correct her. My parents believed differently:)...So, when it came to discipline I was the bad guy...And, I also am an emotional guy...So, because of my dislike for what I felt needed done along with my wife's disdain it wasn't a healthy situation at times when our children disobeyed...
When my daughter was in her 20's she and I set up almost all night talking and crying...(I think I did most of the crying) She told me "Daddy, I was scared of you"...That was hard, very hard...But, I know it wasn't all my fault...I never abused my children...But, if I could do it over, any punishment I handed down for disobedience would have been done w/ no show of anger or strong emotions....Other than Love!
Your husband, I just hope he can see this....Blessings
C
I am in the same situation.
Submitted by MFrances on
I am in the same situation. My husband has ADD, he is on meds but not in therapy. He has tried therapy but it has been hard to find a good therapist, he finally found one and just a couple weeks ago, we got a call that she is on medical leave and will not be returning! anyway, he has anger issues and it does affect my kids. I wish they saw it as a way to not be, like the other post said about her kids. My daughter hates it but is also taking after him, she has anger issues (also is a teen so it's hard to say what is teen behavior and what is possibly ADHD like symptoms). They have no respect for him. One night she was just terrible to her little brother and she and I had a talk about it. The next day she was behaving and speaking to him more respectfully and my husband-not even hearing what she said-yelled at her. Then she says what is the point of being kind if I get yelled at anyway. My heart sunk. So I talked with husband-did you even hear her? Why did you say anything at all? Nothing needed said from one of us (She very politely said to her brother-please move over-and he did, end of story). He didn't see the interaction, didn't really hear what she said, just automatically yelled at her. Because he also NEEDS to talk. It doesn't matter what he is saying, he needs to talk. So I had a talk with my daughter about why you should be kind even if no one sees it or recognizes that behaivor. I think he needs to yell, that the anger and the fights that is cause are stimulating. i see him and my daughter fighting back and forth in a discussion that no one will win and both are only doing it for the sake of yelling. If she is ADHD, which I think she might be but right now doesn't meet the criteria, anger and fighting is stimulating for her too. It's hopeless. I don't know what to do except beg him to find yet another therapist and work on his anger and parenting. he needs to build a relationship with our son and rebuild the relationship with our daughter. He either doesn't see the need or doesn't care.
Angry outbursts affecting children....yes.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
My ADHD husband's angry outbursts did affect our two girls. He was never hateful, or physically abusive. But, his distance from them, being quick to anger, punishing them in ways that didn't fit "the so called crime"....(especially when he was doing the same things or worse) was VERY hurtful and confusing to them. Also, being girls, they learned to fear him and stay out of his way. They also chose men and people in their lives that were much like him and treated them badly. It was terrible. They are older now, and know differently, but they still bear some scars. They understand him more and he is trying harder with them, but he still doesn't see how his actions back then helped form the poor decision making in THEIR lives. He was SO HARSH and judgemental of them, when they were REALLY GOOD GIRLS. He couldn't SEE that, and now he doesn't "remember" a lot of things and he's changed the past in many instances, so his version of reality can be altered greatly. I had to be a go-between with for them for many years. The girls have forgiven him and try to have a good relationship with him but at times they are still "afraid" of his reactions.