Hi! I'm new here, and while I have learned A LOT so far (the books have helped me to feel like I was able to decode a language I couldn't speak before), I am stuck in trying to decide what to do. I apologize in advance for the length of this post - believe it or not, it's the short version! Lol
Am engaged to, and living with, my ADHD partner. He's 55, I'm 47. We met 4 yrs ago, got involved 3 yrs ago, and have lived together for 1.5 yrs. Got engaged last fall. I found him exciting, energetic & very helpful around the house, fixing things, etc. I knew he was ADHD and started to educate him on it. I couldn't believe he had managed to get through his life without knowing he was ADHD. He was on worker's comp due to injury but he was so aggravated he couldn't work, I thought for sure he'd get a job as soon as he could. When I met him 3 years ago, he was in the process of ending a LTR of 20+ yrs. She was abusive, both physically & emotionally - very manipulative, and a meth addict & alcoholic. He gave her the house and she lost it within months due to her addiction. I offered up MY house to 2 of his 3 adult kids (the 3rd is older, married, and on her own), because I felt bad that the kids were stuck in such an awful situation at such a young age (23 and 19). He then got a dog (going against my plea to NOT get one). I love the dog, but I did not want one in my life. I had grown up with dogs and know the responsibility that comes with them, and I didn't want it. I had spent the last 20 yrs as a single parent working 2 jobs and going to school. Now that my son was grown, I wanted to FINALLY enjoy my life - travel, etc. Anyway, the level of chaos in my life went from 0 to 100 in no time. Within months, we found out the kids had used & manipulated us, and betrayed him by telling his ex information she felt she could use against him in the divorce. My own son (20) moved out bc he couldn't deal with the chaos. Both his kids were asked to leave, and I was outraged. Feeling like I had been blindsided and walked over. Why didn't he tell me his kids were like this? Prob bc I never would have let them live with us. The dog turned out to have a host of medical problems, costing me close to $5000 for surgery and meds and followup appts. Fast forward to the present, and it's still the same problems - he doesn't have a job, kids have bounced from house to house, can't keep a job or finish school, and continue to use and manipulate whoever comes in their path. After dealing with this drama for years, I finally set up some boundaries - and told him if he asked for either of his kids to live with me again, I would simply say No, and would ask him to leave as well. The level of disrespect from them is astounding! I am just now starting to realize the lack of respect I receive from him as well - I pay for EVERYTHING, including his entire family's cell phone bill, my mortgage & bills, etc. He was supposed to be giving me between $600 - $800/mo. I pay over $3000/ month. I rarely receive anything. For over a year, we fought constantly about how MY NEEDS were NEVER being met. My credit has been destroyed, there is no food in the house, and I have to count pennies to put gas in my car to get to work. I have numerous health problems of my own that were previously controlled but are now starting to come back because I haven't been able to afford the proper food, supplements, or medical care for myself as it's been ALL ABOUT HIM since he moved in. He apologizes constantly. It used to matter. Now I just feel he is scrambling bc he doesn't want me to ask him to leave.
I've worked REALLY hard to get what I have in life. To get an education, to get my own health problems figured out, to repair/maintain good credit, to get a great job, and own a house. I have "gone without" for years, and was looking forward to this time in my life when I could be free from the responsibility of having to raise my son, etc. Instead of traveling and doing new things, we sit at home and watch tv. He is addicted to marijuana, claims it helps his ADHD (and it does, but so do many other LEGAL drugs). After doing some research and realizing a LOT of his issues stem from his ADHD, he said he would get help as well as counseling to deal with the anger issues from a rotten, abusive childhood and over attachment issues he has to his daughter. He has yet to even look into it. I question if he is even capable of doing it. In fact, I am questioning EVERYTHING. I feel used, and manipulated. I am exhausted, and my work is suffering. It is ALWAYS about him & his problems. I do ALL the reading, the research, etc for any of his health conditions.
To my family & friends, the writing is on the wall. But for myself, I am having a hard time asking him to leave. He doesn't have the tools he needs to control his ADHD and have a decent life. He cannot save money to save his life. He does not have the capability to contemplate and plan for retirement. He couldn't create a resume because he couldn't remember where/when he has worked over his life, but I found that if he dictated it to me, he could. Is that manipulation or a learning disability associated with the ADHD? And why is it always ME that searches for the answers - it's like he doesn't care to learn about himself/fiz the problems that hold him back. i question if he even realizes it holds him back!.
Do I ask him to leave? I do love him, but I feel like I need much more in my life (primarily peace and quiet with no drama!!!!). Do I wait until he gets a job/gets ADHD help/coach/dr/meds or will this most likely never actually happen?
I'm so lost, hurt, depressed & confused! :-(
The sorting
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jenna72,
Do I ask him to leave? I do love him, but I feel like I need much more in my life (primarily peace and quiet with no drama!!!!). Do I wait until he gets a job/gets ADHD help/coach/dr/meds or will this most likely never actually happen?
While none of us are in the position to make dicisions for you, this is certainly the place for support and suggestions. Your questions are the same questions I myself am asking myself and working on making my own decisions as to what is the right choice for me.
Keep reading and asking. there are lots of wonderful people who post here with lots of good suggestions.
Liz
Ty, Liz. Much appreciated.
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Ty, Liz. Much appreciated. I recognize no one can tell me what to do - guess I'm just trying to learn as much as I can to be able to make the best decision I can make. It's scary, though. The more I read on here, the more I despair. Multiple people who have the same horrible symptoms as my fiance - the anger, the work issues, the inability to manage their finances. There are so many people on here who say if I don't have kids with him, RUN!! It is extremely difficult trying to determine what is manipulation, and what is the ADHD, esp since they overlap. And I am starting to dread the excuses from him, when I'm the only one making an effort to learn about ADHD and to try and help him get it under control. I am so tired....
Oops,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jenna 72,
I adjusted my salutation on my previous post. No clue how I addressed it improperly.
I do understand your anguish. When I found this forum 4 years ago, I was so mixed up and desperate I wanted someone else to tell me what to do. I had made enough mistakes for so long - I was feeling like I was drowning and I needed someone to save me.
I am saving myself. No one answer is the correct one for anyone else. Maybe run is what you need to hear. Maybe it is a big mistake. You need to weight it out, and then make your choices.
Liz
Ty!
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Thanks, Liz. I appreciate it. It is the weighing out I have trouble with. Many signs point to RUN, and so I look to make sure I will be making the right decision before I act on it. It's irreversible, in my eyes. That being said, it is difficult for me to let go when I feel as though he doesn't have control over it. If this is truly the ADHD, can I hold him responsible for his actions if it's not medically treated? Is it right for me to let go of someone who so clearly needs help? Or is it just not my place to get help for someone's medical issues? If it were cancer, I would prob make excuses for his behaviour - oh, it's the chemo, or the meds, etc... He wouldn't be responsible for cancer - it just happened to him. So do I hold him responsible for his ADHD? ?
Reclaim your life
Submitted by sunlight on
I am going to be blunt, sorry in advance, but really you can't allow him to continue to trample all over you. Whatever else he feels for you, he does not respect you, as you're now seeing. If you want to give him one chance (only one!) then insist he sees a psychiatrist specializing in adult ADHD, gets evaluated and diagnosed, takes the doctor's advice and treatment, and follows through. If (big if) part of his behavior is uncontrolled ADHD then he needs to do this first, before counselling or anything else. And that means no illegal drugs (if it's legal in your state that's up to you but if not do you really want him using in your house? It's your house!) It may be that you need to find the psychiatrist but stand over him while he makes the call. That is IF you want to give him a chance. Otherwise get him out of your house first and tell him you will re-evaluate the relationship after he has been evaluated, is stable and managing the ADHD for several months. In any event, give him 30 days until you stop paying his family's cellphones (I assume you mean his kids - they are grown up!!) and at that point cancel the phones. Similarly if you're paying anything else that is his/theirs such as a storage unit, whatever.
"He doesn't have the tools he needs to control his ADHD and have a decent life"
He must be truly adorable (?) for you to have put up with this treatment so far, but you are not his mother, he isn't your special project, and your life will continue to spiral down unless and until you put your foot down and start setting ultimatums and following through. Think of it this way, you will be in no position to help anyone in life - including him - while your own life is going down the drain. If he has to he'll find a place to live, whether he moves forward with the ADHD must be up to him. One way or another, without you in the picture, he would magically find a way to get by.
RE: Reclaim your life
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Ty, sunlight. I have, in the past, insisted he seek treatment for his ADHD as well as to deal with his other emotional baggage. The responses I received have varied greatly depending on his mood, and he remembers NONE of the responses at all. First he seemed wary but said he would think about it. Then he admitted he definitely needed help. Then he said his own outlets (hobbies, etc) were his therapy, etc, etc. You get the idea. Up and down, hot and cold. I have given up asking, just periodically say things like "well, if your ADHD was under control, maybe you could consider a job that has some paperwork involved", etc.
He originally told me he would give me $ every month to cover his expenses, including the phone bill but that only happened on the very first month. Now I am stuck in a contract until Oct 2015. I told him last year I was taking myself to my own plan once the contract expired and to make sure the kids knew. I did not expect things to continue to be so awful. I currently do not have the $ to pay the termination fees to get my own line, but I've noticed carriers stating that they will pay termination fees to leave current carrier - I plan on checking into this next week. Since his ex let the house foreclose, the kids were literally thrown out into the street, and I didn't feel any kid deserved that, which I why I took them/tried to help out in in the first place. Lesson learned.
Re his treatment of me - Call me a sucker but I honestly felt bad for him when I first met him. He had been kicked out of his house, but was still paying the mortgage until he found out where his money was really going. He had lived in his car for months during the winter just so he could continue to pay it. He seemed to have a big heart and constantly be taken advantage of. ALL of his so called friends turned out to be ppl that were using him for one thing or another, and I couldn't believe he had such HORRIBLE people skills/no intuition to realize this. He treated me like gold the first 6 months... Wasn't until the kids moved in that I saw what a jerk he could be.
Anyway, I agree with you in that he will find a way to get by. I just don't think it will be a decent quality of life without ADHD support. Please understand I DO love him even though I don't think I can continue living with him, and don't want to see him living a crappy life just because he wasn't capable of getting help... And that's where I get stuck - Is someone with ADHD capable of surviving on their own when they can't manage their money, can't remember to eat, to take their meds, and don't have the capability to plan for the future at all? If so, I don't want to feel like I'm being a b***h by throwing him out without any coping skills.
Expecting an adult to live on
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Expecting an adult to live on his own does not make you a bitch. I strongly believe that anyone with ADHD can develop coping skills and living skills but some of them won't do so unless they are forced to, and as legally competent adults, they cannot be compelled to undergo treatment they don't want. That's their problem to resolve, not yours.
I'm sorry for the potentially harsh tone of my message. These are words of weary experience.
Hi, jenna72
Submitted by sunlight on
"Is someone with ADHD capable of surviving on their own when they can't manage their money, can't remember to eat, to take their meds, and don't have the capability to plan for the future at all? "
Until he is properly diagnosed, and until *he* takes responsibility for managing his ADHD treatment (and/or other disorders) no-one knows the full extent of how well he can function. But he has reached 55 somehow, and while it may not have been the organized life other people would have wanted it's what he has never seen the need to change. That is still no reason to endure the treatment you've been receiving (and which he will revert to as soon as the heat's off). That's why I think that *if* you want to give him one chance then I think you must force the issue of evaluation and treatment. If he won't do it then you will have your answer to the question of exactly how much he feels for you versus how much he feels you'll do whatever he claims he can't do. You're currently enabling him and he will let that go on for as long as you continue.
Great response, sunlight. I
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Great response, sunlight. I think you hit the nail on the head.
jenna72
Submitted by c ur self on
(You're currently enabling him and he will let that go on for as long as you continue.)
HI Jenna, This statement of Sunlight's is a fact many of us deal with or have dealt with. Not telling you what to do, but the way you keep responding to these posts with your own fears is a red flag indeed....I've read posts on this site that has betrayed some awfully bitter people. Who have been used like dirty door mates for years. Just because they allowed it...Also, I've been there myself :(...It"s up to you!
Thanks, sunlight...
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Thanks, sunlight... I acknowledge that I do have issues with codependency, and being an enabler is not new to me. I am currently working on this in therapy and am doing well, making slow but steady changes. It is difficult for me to realize when I'm supposed to cut the cord due to all he's been through in the last few years (divorce, injury, disability, etc)... One of the many reasons I turned to this forum. I greatly appreciate your advice, as he definitely needs to take the reigns on his own treatment. He has done so with his other medical conditions over the past year, and I will now push the issue for him to do so with the ADHD as soon as his insurance approves the appt.
It is not always easy for me to tell when i'm enabling someone. In my mind, I am trying to be there for someone going through hell. And make no mistake, he went through hell. His ex-wife physically and emotionally abused him and the kids. I saw it firsthand. He still has severe anxiety attacks (vomiting/hyperventilating/sweating, etc) when he gets anywhere near her house or sees her car somewhere. In addition to that, he also went through significant medical issues including a work injury that has left him permanently partially disabled. I know I went overboard in helping him. I wish someone had been there for me the way I am there for him. He's just now starting to realize what it's done to me...
I agree....get him out of your home...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Get him out of your home. Get his kids off your cell phone plan. That is all ridiculous.
If you can't get them off your plan yet, then call the provider and cut down everything...minutes, data, whatever.
And...after reducing minutes/data....better yet....go online into your cell phone plan, make sure you have a secure password and pass code....then go to THEIR phones on your plan and deactivate them...say that they're lost. Their phones won't work after that. You will still have to pay for the minimized plan, but at least all the minutes/data will be YOURS to use...and they won't be able to use data or minutes because their phones won't work. If they want their phones to WORK, then they have to PAY for them.
This is ridiculous. No wonder his kids are this way....he is using you. you will lose everything if you stay with him.
His lack of respect spoke volumes when he insisted on bringing a dog into YOUR home against YOUR wishes. He's not an equal in YOUR home. It is YOUR home. He's not even a paying tenant....but even then a tenant would have to respect the Owner's rules.
You are going to end up in the poor house if you let this continue.
<<<<
we found out the kids had used & manipulated us, and betrayed him by telling his ex information she felt she could use against him in the divorce.
<<<<<
BTW...are you saying that you were together for awhile and then you moved in together AND THEN he got a divorce?
The plan...
Submitted by Jenna72 on
The plan for the cell phones is in his name. I already told everyone that Oct would be the cutoff, and do not feel comfortable being manipulative and cutting off the lines behind his back. I don't like going back on my word bc then I'm not better than his kids' broken promises to help pay the bill... Just bc someone acts a certain way to me, doesn't mean I need to respond just as negatively. Can't fight fire with more fire.
Re the dog - I asked nicely for him not to get him. I don't think he hears anything that I say when I say it nicely. He only hears what I am saying when I'm in his face, like his ex... I don't feel comfortable being that person. I had assumed that was his ADHD as well...
I will NOT wind up in poor house. I've been homeless in my lifetime a long time ago, and I will NEVER allow that to happen again. I may be confused and seemingly a doormat for someone I care about, who is going through a very difficult time in my life, but I do have a backbone. If there were ANY indication that my house or utilities would go unpaid, his ass would be out no questions asked. I have limits. A cell phone bill/ bad credit is one thing - I've easily survived that before, as well as not having $ for food or gas - but a house payment is a different animal. Make no mistake, I am not that stupid. I just have a HUGE heart and know what it's like firsthand to go through rough times.
Let me be clear - we were friends for 1 yr AFTER he had already filed for divorce before we ever thought of dating. I am NOT a home wrecker. I have been cheated on in the past by my ex-husband years ago, and I would NEVER do the same to someone else. His divorce was difficult and was not finalized until last year.
Incidentally, my exhusband went through a similar ordeal - didn't listen and quit his job erratically. I supported him for 6 months while he went to school on a state grant, and got a whole new career. It CAN be done, but it is WAY more difficult when the person has ADHD.
Oct is the cut-off....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
The plan for the cell phones is in his name. I already told everyone that Oct would be the cutoff, and do not feel comfortable being manipulative and cutting off the lines behind his back. I don't like going back on my word bc then I'm not better than his kids' broken promises to help pay the bill... Just bc someone acts a certain way to me, doesn't mean I need to respond just as negatively. Can't fight fire with more fire.
>>>>
Which October is the cut-off time??
>>>
I don't like going back on my word bc then I'm not better than his kids' broken promises to help pay the bill...
>>>
Can you clarify? They promised to help pay the bill (and they haven't done that.). Since they promised to help pay the bill then you never promised to pay all the bill, right? What promise would you be breaking?
I can understand that since the bill is in their father's name, you are limited in how you can stop their service, but I'm not seeing why you're obligated to pay for everyone. Maybe your plan isn't that expensive, but for 4 people in our household, the monthly bill is about $200.
This Oct...
Submitted by Jenna72 on
This October is the end of the contract. He promised to help pay his family's share of the bill. He has not done that due to loss of his job. I promised to keep the plan through this Oct. I intend to keep that promise. While infuriating, it is what it is. I will not break out of this plan, incurring charges (early term fees) of $185 PER LINE, just bc he couldn't come up with the money. I am trying to set an example of "I do what I say I'm going to do". He is starting to do the same. He sees ADHD Dr next month and has an appointment with a career advisor to help him get back on track since he now has a permanent injury and cannot do what he used to. He has been slowly getting himself together. Since he's making progress in that way, I'm not going to turn around and say "Tough cookies, I changed my mind!". I do what I say I'm going to, and he needs to learn to do the same.
<<<,
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<,
but you are not his mother, he isn't your special project, and your life will continue to spiral down unless and until you put your foot down and start setting ultimatums and following through. Think of it this way, you will be in no position to help anyone in life - including him - while your own life is going down the drain. If he has to he'll find a place to live, whether he moves forward with the ADHD must be up to him. One way or another, without you in the picture, he would magically find a way to get by.
<<<<
This is the best advice. He is NOT your responsibility. He is an adult. You mention that you got engaged. Really? What is he offering? Sounds like he's offering to marry someone who will take care of him....he's shown no interest in wanting to protect you, take care of you, and fairly share a life with you.
Hopefully he has a brother who can take him in. He will be less likely try to take advantage of another man. When my H and I were separated, he went to live with his brother for 3 months. At first, that was great for him. His brother had no idea how lazy and self-centered my H could be. So, at first things were going great and H was happy to be there. But, as time went on, and his brother realized that H wouldn't help with chores, H would not come to the dinner table on time (busy playing on his computer), and that H was only interested in what H wanted to do, his brother told him off.
He's had a couple of months to find a job. I would give him maybe two more months. I would let him know now that if he doesn't have a good job in two months AND he must pay for his kids, his dog and himself.....or he has to move out...with his dog.
OWW
Submitted by Jenna72 on
We got engaged bc we were in love... I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me, etc - but it is a MUST that they are able to take care of themselves. I don't want anyone feeling responsible for me or my needs and I sure don't want to have to be responsible for anyone else's needs. I am independent. I expect the same from my partner, and originally, that's how he was.
While manipulative, the LAST thing I would classify him as is lazy. He's so hyper, he can't sit still. I bought a ceiling fan yesterday - he cut a hole in the ceiling, ran the electrical, and had it assembled and installed in LESS THAN 1 HOUR. He's amazing when it comes to fixing ANYTHING. People have learned this, and have used him for it for years. It's sad that he cannot tell when someone is using him or not until it's too late (or I point it out). If he does sit still at my request, he falls asleep immediately. I don't feel like I can get any time in with him to do boring things like watch tv, or read a book, etc.
He's a good guy - HUGE heart, very handy, means well.... He just isn't capable of FOCUS.
The ADHD men we love, and cry about
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"While manipulative, the LAST thing I would classify him as is lazy." "He's so hyper, he can't sit still." " He's amazing when it comes to fixing ANYTHING."
Jenna72,
I understand you, I think I really do. I have struggled to sort out our relationship for quite a long while. I do not ever want to bash him, but I can freely share my own frustrations at trying to find a way to live together in peace and harmony - and not anyone else's but OUR OWN style of peace and harmony.
"People have learned this, and have used him for it for years. It's sad that he cannot tell when someone is using him or not until it's too late (or I point it out). "
I am so frustrated that my spouse now is so bitter - he thinks just about anyone who asks him to help is taking advantage of him. He has no idea how to separate they users and abusers from those who are genuine in their give and take of a friendship. I have seen some snakes who schwoozed and smoozed him, and I could see it clearly, but they become like almost his new best friend. I get frustrated when that cycle happens. Then they chew him up and spit him out when they have from him what they wanted. I wish he would have agreed to honor some sort of sign or signal or view on my part. But he is stuck in the "No one is gonna tell me what to do" place. THAT is one of the things that has caused my own deterioration of feelings for this marriage. No room for my thoughts, no validation after the fact when my perception was obviously accurate. He wont let anyone help him.
" If he does sit still at my request, he falls asleep immediately." Yep, yep, yep!!! Especially when I just wanted to sit and chat. And, truth be told, my children razz me all the time because I fall asleep during family movie nights.
He's a good guy - HUGE heart, very handy, means well.... He just isn't capable of FOCUS. My spouse can focus, but will rebuff any support I try to give in making our lives a bit more regulated and some semblance of a routine - even if it was as wide as the side of the barn. What we have as a routine now is - church on Sunday. Yep one thing. Anything else is under the guise f if he does it, it is done. I cannot rely on him to support me in life by being responsible for life's basics. Poor time management, disorganization, poor executive functions, always misplacing things. . . . it adds up. I can't take it.
Over the past year, he has taken one job, and attacked it, and so far, he has kept it going. Our home has a well for water - and our water is very poor. It comes our black and stinky. My spouse now has in place a routine to keep up the maintenance of the system. If there may be an equipment failure - that is beyond his control. It is not caused by his lack for maintenance. They system he used before was, when ever Liz would get frustrated at the blackening smelling water, he would fill the chlorinator, or backwash the system. I do like this preventative approach.
Yes, he is hanging his hat on that water system. And it really is WONDERFUL. I do not know how to express my joy in that and yet be so overwhelmed. Sorta like a bandaid on a stab wound in a major blood vessel. I DO appreciate his effort. The marriage is not getting what I need. Clean water is nice. It does not make a happy marriage. I try to say how much I appreciate the clean water. He really thinks that fixes the marriage - it just does not.
Liz
That's it!
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Ty, Liz. I get exactly what you mean. I hope I don't sound like I'm trying to bash my fiance - I am just at my wits end. Literally.
<<No room for my thoughts, no validation after the fact when my perception was obviously accurate.>> I TOTALLY get this. I saw it as more of a trust issue, and have repeatedly asked him time and again when he was going to learn to trust my opinion, esp when it came to people. I have been the unfortunate catalyst in some of his long term friendships ending bc I pointed out who was using him, etc. When confronted, they deny. But when he tells them he can't fix xyz, or loan them any $, suddenly we don't hear from them anymore. There was one instance in particular where a good friend of his (had been friends w/ benefits at one point) tried to convince him that he'd be better off living on his own, rather than with me. Same friend who told me when I first met her that she would be lying if she said she still didn't have feelings for him. Said this to my face while in my home. The level of disrespect is astounding. What's worse is he wrote it off as no big deal. I told him it was disrespectful and she still wanted him and didn't have his best interests at heart, etc... He told me I was crazy for thinking that way. I knew he was wrong so I suggested a friendly chat at her apt. He discouraged it - not sure why - then went BY HIMSELF to confront her. Dumbest thing ever. He confronted her, she said she had his best interests at heart, he believed her, left to come home. Then she posted on social media that if anyone had a problem with her to come to her bc she was a big girl and could handle it. I just shook my head and showed him what she wrote. He immediately became angry and called her on it. She tried to deny it was about me, but she posted it 5 mins after he left her house. It was obvious that what I said was true. Once he called her on it, she never contacted him again! Supposed to be his bff, but dropped him like a hot potato once the truth came to light. This happened MULTIPLE times, with multiple friends of his - I saw they were using him, he confronts them, tells me I'm crazy, then finds out from other sources that what I said is the truth. Sometimes I ask myself why I bother to point it out?!
<<Poor time management, disorganization, poor executive functions, always misplacing things. . . . it adds up. I can't take it. >> It does add up. I feel like it adds somber weight on my soul. What bothers me more is that he doesn't understand the level of stress he causes. He sees it stresses me, and he doesn't like that, but he doesn't understand the degree to which it does. When I say I can't take anymore, it doesn't mean for him to lay low for a while and all will be fine. It means his behaviour is hurting me and I truly can't take it anymore.
He constantly reminds me of all the things he fixes, and anything he does to try and make life better (starts my car in the am if it's cold, etc). Says he wants appreciation, etc. I do appreciate it - really I do!!! And I make sure to tell him and thank him and he is happy and content. But that's not what makes a relationship work. I feel like there's a huge disconnect there. Like we're talking a different language. I'm so tired, and so hurt, and so frustrated.
It's a HUGE relief to know I'm not alone, and unbelievably unsettling to know that this is just how it is, and I have to make a decision, bc he's not going to be able to.... Yet I still hold on to hope....
Hope is all I got
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
"He constantly reminds me of all the things he fixes, and anything he does to try and make life better (starts my car in the am if it's cold, etc). Says he wants appreciation, etc. I do appreciate it - really I do!!! And I make sure to tell him and thank him and he is happy and content."
Unfortunately how it appears to register in my spouse's brain is "Everything is all better." I am so aggravated I have not been able to make it better by adjusting my end of this communication dilemma. My bag of tricks is empty.
"But that's not what makes a relationship work. I feel like there's a huge disconnect there. Like we're talking a different language. I'm so tired, and so hurt, and so frustrated." I understand the disconnect. I have it too. I tried and tried every book, self-help idea, counseling, to no avail. His way, His perception. His view. His understanding. He has, to this point, been unwilling to view things by walking a mile in my moccasins. That just does not make for a happy marriage. I don't even think it would make for a happy friendship, partnership or even neighbor situation.
It's a HUGE relief to know I'm not alone, and unbelievably unsettling to know that this is just how it is, and I have to make a decision, bc he's not going to be able to.... Yet I still hold on to hope....
Hope. Maybe. Could be. Is it possible? I have a lot going on my internal dialog based on my Christian choices. So, I feel I am done. I say I am done. I have boundaries in place. I am just worn thin for trying. I do not want to try to understand him anymore. I ama burnt out trying. At the same time, while I am not being a martyr, I have this inner belief that God's direction in my life is real. And I know when my directions from Him have changed. So I keep reminding Him, "Lord I am done. Lord, it is not getting better. Lord, I can't take it. Lord, can I get outta here? God, will you open the gates and let me move on?" And I do not get that sense of peace, that God's plan is for me to get out and leave. And that burns me!!!!!! I am listening for that small still voice that says, "Now, Liz. Now."
I do not dislike my spouse more than before. I love him. I just cannot find that way to live together in harmony with a relationship that is fulfilling for us both. I want to be his wife, not his Mom. My view - he wants his wife to behave like a Mom. Been there. Done that. Nope, it ain't for me.
Liz
Faith is key
Submitted by Jenna72 on
"At the same time, while I am not being a martyr, I have this inner belief that God's direction in my life is real. And I know when my directions from Him have changed. So I keep reminding Him, "Lord I am done. Lord, it is not getting better. Lord, I can't take it. Lord, can I get outta here? God, will you open the gates and let me move on?" And I do not get that sense of peace, that God's plan is for me to get out and leave. And that burns me!!!!!! I am listening for that small still voice that says, "Now, Liz. Now." "
Ty for saying this - it means a LOT. I understand exactly what you mean. When my former marriage ended, I was in despair. I cryed and prayed to God - something I hadn't done often in my life. I said I appreciated the free will, but apparently my judgment in men sucks and I prayed for him to choose a man for me. I ran out of strength, and turned it over to him. I already knew my now fiance - we were friends and talked from time to time, but I hadn't heard from him in a few months. The day after I prayed, he contacted me. His marriage had ended (had filed for divorce) and he had moved out/been living by himself for 6 months. We talked, but we were both busy and didn't talk again until a few months later. We eventually started dating. It took a few months to realize the timing of it all. I asked God for help - and here he was! And help he did. He took my stress away every time I saw him. I knew he was hyper, and absent minded, but it didn't affect me. I felt at peace, and I have never felt so in love/on the same page with someone in my whole life. I had no doubt this was the one, and I've never felt that way before. No doubt. Total trust. This from a woman with hypervigilance, who can't trust anyone. It was nothing short of amazing. Then came the massive drama that followed.... But I have ALWAYS felt we were put in each other's lives to help each other, to love each other. My lack of energy due to adrenal insufficiency is finally ok - cause he has excess energy. He picks up where I leave off. I stay because I have faith that God knows what he's doing. I have prayed for a sign for me to leave when things have been extremely difficult in the recent past. I never receive one..... And so I stay...
Dealing with matters of faith can be tricky. For a while, I thought maybe God put him in my life so I could realize that a life by myself wouldn't be so bad! LOL But as time goes on, I find myself thinking that this might actually work out. That maybe this is just a rough patch for ALL involved - truly bad timing, with MUCH drama, yet no one has left.... And he's starting to realize how he affects me, and starting to take steps so it doesn't happen.... He's now open to a dr and meds, and I see his concern/worry over how he affects me and I'm truly surprised. When we were first dating, we found a button that read "It won't be easy, but it WILL be worth it". A sign of things to come, perhaps?
<<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
I bought a ceiling fan yesterday - he cut a hole in the ceiling, ran the electrical, and had it assembled and installed in LESS THAN 1 HOUR. He's amazing when it comes to fixing ANYTHING.
>>>>>>
This is very nice! It always amazes me that some with ADHD can quickly get to a job and do it! No procrastination!
Feeling Your Pain
Submitted by KYLEEJO25 on
Ty, Kristie
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Ty, Kristie. Much appreciated. I'm sorry that reading my post was troubling, but I understand completely where you're coming from. So many posts are from people who are bitter, saying to run! I understand that feeling - know it well. I keep holding on to hope that he will bring more to the table once he has a job. He has multiple interviews lined up for next week, which is good. He LIKES to work. He fixes things around the house all the time. But he CANNOT manage his money at all. No savings, no retirement, nothing to fall back on. I cannot rely on this man, financially speaking. And I don't trust him when it comes to his kids - I fully expect him to ask if at least one of them can come stay with us at some point in the future. I don't want to be the only responsible one. I should be able to worry about what's on my own plate, and that's it! I have PTSD from what I've been through in my life, and peace & quiet is not an option for me - it's a necessity. He is just NOW starting to get this.... Do I give him one last chance? Is it NOT easy to walk away from what I thought was the love of my life..... But I know I deserve every happiness - worked too hard and too long to get to this point!
<,,<<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<,,<<<<
Do I wait until he gets a job/gets ADHD help/coach/dr/meds or will this most likely never actually happen?
<<<
Wait? You've been waiting for years and he hasn't done that. He's not going to do that. He doesn't have to do that because YOU ARE PAYING for everything....and he is letting you. A real man doesn't do this. A real man wouldn't let a GF pay for HIS kids and his expenses. He's a grownup 4 year old.
Wait....
Submitted by Jenna72 on
He wasn't able to work because he was waiting on his worker's comp case to close... He was receiving a weekly paycheck from worker's comp for the first 2 yrs, but it was 50% of his usual pay. He went through 4 surgeries during this time, complete with 3-4 months physical therapy after each surgery. He was finally declared partially disabled and was let go from his job due to complications resulting from the injury. He was let go Jan 2014. He worked off the books for a while, but the guy he worked for couldn't provide regular work, so one week he'd earn $600 and the next it was $50. Impossible to count on that!!!!! But he couldn't get a job on the books until his case settled. The case finally closed in November. I got on him about looking for a job instead of ways to spend his settlement in December when I noticed he was hyperfocused on how to spend the money he received. I told him to stash it into retirement, as he has NONE currently, but he didn't. I made out a budget for him based on his settlement, that INCLUDED some spending $ to purchase whatever he wanted, and he forgot about it a week after we went over it.
It's not like he didn't have a valid excuse - I was there for every surgery - I saw the pain, the frustration, the lack of retraining, etc... All of this ON TOP OF the chaos that was going on with his kids/ex-wife. He worked this job for 30 yrs and he has no idea what to do/where to start. All of my suggestions are received well initially, but his anxiety and general panic make him forget that a new career could actually be a good thing.
THIS is why I feel that I have a responsibility to help him until he's on his feet. Not ONE of his so called close friends or family ever tried to help him through any of this. He is applying for jobs now, but they are variations on what he used to do. He has an appt with a career counselor in a few weeks to help him decide what to do. Things may definitely change once he has a job in terms of him being able to take care of himself again. But I will never forget what the kids did/how they are, or the level of chaos or lack of respect for me and my house...
So, he's ignoring the good
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
So, he's ignoring the good advice to put some money away for retirement? He has worked for 30 years and has no retirement money saved? Oh my.
Is he going to pay YOU back for his dog's medical needs? Or is he going to use his windfall of money to buy more "toys"? Why wouldn't he pay you back for his dog's surgeries??
Well, if you think that he is just getting his opportunity to get a real job, and you feel that you have to help him get back on his feet then give a deadline....maybe 60 days. He's already had a couple of months.
I know that as partners of men who have ADHD and other issues, we put up with a lot, but financial areas do need to trump a LOT. They can cause you to end up in massive debt, ruined credit, and with the inability to retire.
I am curious....what did your BF do or say to his kids when they were disrespecting you and your home? What does he say about the fact that you're paying for everyone's cell phone? (again, I would go online and indicate that their phones were lost, so that they'd be shut off)
OWW
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Correct - no retirement at all. He raised 3 kids (1 of which wasn't his) w his ex-wife who was a SAHM. His youngest daughter had significant health problems as a child (almost died), and as a result - no money saved. But while that seems like a good excuse, let me reassure you that he is NOT capable of saving money at all. He knows this, and admits it, but has done nothing to change it. I don't think it ever occurred to him that it can be changed - he just says he's bad with money.
He originally stated he would give me $10k for past expenses, now it down's to $4000, as he wants more toys. He has yet to actually receive the check (they have 60 days to send it), and will be receiving a lump sum initially, followed by monthly payments for 4 yrs. If I'm going to let him go, I'd like to do it in the next few months as I know he will have that coming in to help him get on his feet.
My bf apologized for the phone bill and says he'd make it up to me. Still waiting. He had different reactions to the disrespect. His son and son's gf (who was pregnant at the time) and her child from a previous relationship) stayed with us first for 3 months after his ex lost the house. They acted nice, even told me they wanted to keep things neutral to keep the peace between him and his Mom. But after living there for 3 months and paying us for 1, my bf found out that his son had been running back to Mommy and telling her EVERYTHING that was going on in our lives. Mind you, there wasn't that much to tell - it was primarily information to try and make him look bad in court (for the divorce). My bf was shocked to hear his ex-wife spewing things in court that could have only come from his son, and while it did no damage to the case, he was pissed that his son betrayed him like that. After court, his son and company left the house for 3 days - no phone calls, nothing. When they came back, a fight ensued. Me & my bf told him that was bs & it wasn't going to fly. The kid looked right at us and said he could talk to whoever he wanted about whatever he wanted. We told him that was fine, he just can't live here then. So they left. I was happy - felt relieved. The chaos was gone!! I had my peace back (well, except for the dog).
Then we got a call late one night, about 2 wks later, from his daughter. We were already asleep. He put it on speaker as soon as he answered. His ex-wife was screaming, I mean SCREAMING, at his daughter. Daughter was scared bc of past violence and Dad wasn't there to protect her this time. She was crying 'Daddy, please come get me' over and over, and we HEARD his ex-wife hit her. I had my clothes on and keys in hand in less than 30 secs & we were off to get her. I have been abused in my past - hearing her struck a nerve for me. I didn't even know her - had only met her twice before, and now she was living with us. She was pleasant enough, but after 3 days, I got a BAD feeling in my gut (and my gut is NEVER wrong). On the way to the store, I asked him to please find somewhere else for her to stay, maybe other family, etc. I was crying, I felt guilty, but I can't go against what I feel. He SCREAMED at me in the car - scared the hell out of me - that that was his daughter and there was no way she was leaving and if I wanted her to go, he was going with her. Looking back, I should've told him to leave right then and there. As I learned later, his ex-wife did not like the girl (her own daughter!) and it triggered stuff in him. Still, no excuse to scream like that. Scared and shocked, I agreed to let her stay. A few days later, I set down some basic rules - she had to get her GED (her Mom had let her quit hs after the parents had separated), and she had to get a part time job to help pay for her share of the phone bill. She got a job immediately, and things looked good. Long story short - she started bringing friends over and they would spend the night. i would get up to go to the bathrm at 2 am, and they'd be drunk or stoned, half naked (summertime) on my couch. Not really fond of waking up in the middle of the night to people I don't know. Some of her friends started to flirt with my husband. They ate all the food, and drank what little alcohol I had in the house. He reprimanded them, but it was more of a conversation than actual reprimand. The last straw for me was her trying to hide a friend of hers in her bedroom for 7 days, thinking we wouldn't notice that she was leaving before we got up and coming in after we went to sleep. I told him that I offered a place for HER to stay, not her and her friends. He told her that, and she said ok. 2 days later, she asked for another friend to sleep over. I said I thought we already discussed this. Dead silence. 3 days later they had a fight when I wasn't home, and she left.
After neither kid was living with us, I told my bf I felt completely disrespected and was upset he didn't protect me from any of this/allowed it to happen without warning me, etc. A couple of months had gone by, my bf asked the kids to apologize to me - told them they disrespected me, etc. I never received an apology from the son (he did apologize to his Dad which I found amusing since it's MY house). The daughter texted me 8 months later, saying she was sorry if she ever made me feel some kind of way. I said Thx, and shook my head. Really? That's all I get? And now he wants me to be nice to them, and let them come over and spend the night, etc. I don't want them anywhere near me. I don't trust either one of them, and I don't trust HIM to not ask me to let them live with us again. The last 2 times she called crying for a place to stay bc she screwed over someone else, he made sure to find her one. She screwed them over too. Now she's living with her brother and his gf and I dont want ANY part of their mess! No one wants to go to school or get training to better themselves - they just want free rides!!!
"My credit has been destroyed
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"My credit has been destroyed, there is no food in the house, and I have to count pennies to put gas in my car to get to work. I have numerous health problems of my own that were previously controlled but are now starting to come back because I haven't been able to afford the proper food, supplements, or medical care for myself as it's been ALL ABOUT HIM since he moved in. He apologizes constantly. It used to matter. Now I just feel he is scrambling bc he doesn't want me to ask him to leave."
I think your own words say it all.
I agree with the above.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Money is really the only thing that keeps me in my marriage. I would lose too much if I were to leave.
If I were the main bread-winner, I would leave in a heartbeat and never look back....
H and I have been separated twice...filed for divorce twice.....both times the ONLY thing that upset me was money....knowing how I'd be financially devastated if the divorce went thru was the only reason that I wanted to reconcile.
My H has always earned a strong income. I was a SAHM for years. Then I started a business that doesn't bring in much profit, but will help us EVENTUALLY build some more wealth. For the past two years, the business has paid for the mortgages on the buildings, and has netted a small profit....certainly not anywhere near enough to live on. this business was started with H's blessing.
So, when he filed for divorce, cut me off from all his salary (he moved his paycheck deposits into a new account that I had no access to), suddenly I was poor. I was caught between a rock and a hard place. I had to use the money coming in to pay the mortgages on the business. I didn't even have much money to pay an attorney. I had to find one who agreed to accept HALF of his normal rate (rare to find this!). He assured me that the courts would order my H to provide temporary spousal support while the divorce would process. but, courts are slow, and I was never awarded any temporary support.
It was the most frightening experience I have EVER had. I had some money left over from an inheritance (not much left after putting a chunk towards starting this business) and the rest was in an inherited IRA that I couldn't touch. I truly was terrified...night and day. H wasn't paying our home mortgage nor the utilities, so they were turned off and notices from the home mortgage company were coming in. At one point I had to go to a cheap motel just to have electricity. There was a court order that he had to pay the mortgage and the utilities, but he ignored it.
I can't tell you how horrible it was. At some point, H had moved into an apt so he was living fat and happy.....and the courts weren't doing anything to force him to provide support or provide access to his paycheck (which was a very good income).
In the end, H hated living alone, hated not having me around, so he canceled the divorce proceedings. I felt very relieved financially. H has since retired and things are much better (he is also drinking very rarely....thank goodness....and has started going to AA meetings). .
That said, if I were financially independent with a true income of my own, I would have happily accepted the divorce. But I know that I would lose too much. H has a very generous pension, I still have my business and it's doing better (not enough to support me, but enough to add to savings), and I have healthcare for life thru H's company. these may not seem like much, but they really are.
Our kids have repeatedly asked me why I don't leave their father. They both think H is extremely ill and crazy....and he is. But they don't understand the financial aspect. They're young. They don't understand that I can't just abandon my business and take a "real job"....I would lose those buildings, I can't sell them at this point for anything close to what they're worth....and it would just be a lose/lose situation.
Thankfully, now that H is retired, he is behaving much better. He has his "moments" but they're not as bad as they once were....made worse by drinking. At least now, we can enjoy watching a movie, or going out to dinner, or working on my business together.
My point in telling you all of this is ..... If I had a job like yours, my own home, etc. I would have kicked his butt to the curb from the get go. The idea that he and his kids mooched off of you, he brought in an unwanted dog into your home, you got stuck with the vet bills, etc.....it's just insane to tolerate when you are self-supporting.
OWW
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Wow, that's awful. Congrats on starting what sounds like a successful business. I'm sorry he cut you off like that - I thought that wasn't allowed? I thought when you filed for separation or divorce, they tried to keep things as close to the same as possible in terms of $? In my state they do - the lawyer files for spousal support once they are no longer living together and the case is heard within 30 days. They also provide 3-6 yrs of rehabilitate alimony once the divorce is granted to give you time to get on your feet.... Lifetime alimony if you've been married for 20+ yrs...
I know what it feels like to be scared like that. I got pregnant at 20, and his father left. I wound up in a crisis pregnancy shelter until I gave birth. Then I lived w my parents for a few months to recover from what had been a very difficult pregnancy healthwise (he's my miracle child - I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids). I went back to work when he was 3 months old and I cried my eyes out - I just wanted to be with my baby but I had to work... I got an apt, reconciled with his father for a short period of time when my son was 2, and then was on my own but was homeless and I let my parents watch my child for 30 days while I worked double shifts every day, to get the $ we needed for an apt. After that, I vowed to NEVER let that happen again. I worked full time, went to school 3/4 time, and had a part time 2nd job. My son was watched by either my parents or a close couple that were friends of my family, and I felt lucky to have any support at all. I busted my butt for years to get my degree, a good job, and a nice place for us. I purchased my home in 2012. It's taken me YEARS to get here. Years to repair my credit. ANY disrespect ticks me off, but to have it happen from someone that loves me really hurts.
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
I thought when you filed for separation or divorce, they tried to keep things as close to the same as possible in terms of $?
>>>
In my state it's also supposed to work that way. What H did to kind of get around that was to move his paycheck to a new account a few months before he filed. My attorney told me that the courts would soon order him to provide money and/or access to his paycheck, and to pay the mortgage but the courts were backed up so we couldn't get a court date until 3 months after he filed. By the time that court date rolled around, H decided to withdraw the divorce....but I still had to go thru that 3 months with NO MONEY from him at all.
During the separation and divorce filing, it became evident to me that H wanted a "new single bachelor" lifestyle. H has some narcissistic tendencies as well. He bought new clothes, got Botox, and joined Match.com. (In the end, he never went out with anyone.) Of course his thinking was that he just needed to find the "right woman" because his wife was too mean to him. (To H, telling him not to rage, scream and throw things is "being mean". lol H also thinks I'm "being mean" if I mention NICELY that he forgot to pay a bill or something....because it's "mean" to make him "feel bad" about a mistake. I'm not trying to make him "feel bad", but because of his disorder, ANY realization that he has made a mistake makes him "feel bad". Losing a board game or card game makes him "feel bad"....and then he'll throw a tantrum.....so we don't play games with him.
talking about problems
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"it's 'mean' to make him 'feel bad' about a mistake. I'm not trying to make him 'feel bad', but because of his disorder, ANY realization that he has made a mistake makes him 'feel bad'."
This is my husband to a T. What this equates to is that I have two choices: not talk about problems and thus problems continue to exist; or talk about problems with the full understanding of my husband and me that I'm on notice that talking about problems makes me a bitch.
Exactly!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Exactly!
My H knocked over a maple syrup bottle in the fridge (during one of his "midnight snacks" ) and it dripped out all over the fridge. When I showed him what had happened, and the big mess it made, he got angry (he certainly didn't want to clean it up), so he said that I had to clean it because I was a "bitch" for making him feel back about an accident.
One time H stepped in dog poop outside and tracked it all throughout the house ....there were over 50 poop spots. He was completely oblivious to it. When I spoke up, he denied doing it...until I asked to see the bottom of his shoes and there was the proof. He got angry, said I was being a bitch, adn refused to clean it up or even help clean it up. Our younger son helped me clean it up, and then he got angry at that.....because he said it made him "look bad" to our son. I didn't ask our son to help, our son offered to help because it was a big job. Then H got drunk and raged at us. We ended up leaving the house. This was several years ago before he stopped drinking as much.
Rosered
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Wow, that hit home. Ty. Seriously, ty. If I didn't love him so much, he would've been gone long ago. I am tired. Former health problems that were under control are starting to come back. I had stopped talking to anyone when my therapist told me that I knew what I was getting into, and to deal with it - that hurt. (And I promptly dumped her as a counselor) But the more I talk about what has gone on, even though it's writing, not talking, the more I am thinking that I might just be best on my own. He IS trying now, but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before the kids create more drama. I can definitely see a time where he may start giving them money once he's working again, not realizing he is simply encouraging them to manipulate. I always feel like I come last. First comes himself, then the dog, the kids, then me. I totally understand loving your kids and putting them first - I feel that way about my son. But I've NEVER let my son get away with anything - would nip any bad behaviour in the butt as soon as it happened. He's always been a good kid. He's working and in college and in his own apt now and I miss him, but I'm so happy he's happy with his life.
I miss the first 6 months we were going out, when he was at his apartment. Things were peaceful. He was amazing to me. That hyperfocus is intoxicating. And it was gone the second the kids moved in.... I see it from time to time, when I tell him it might be best to separate...
"I want to be his wife, not
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"I want to be his wife, not his Mom. My view - he wants his wife to behave like a Mom. Been there. Done that. Nope, it ain't for me."
I just read this quote tonight, and it sort of jumped out at me, because it's something I've known for a long time in our lives. Once we got married, he seemed to no longer wanted a wife, partner, lover, friend, but more of a MOTHER.. And who wants to "be romantic" with your "MOTHER"?(I think it becomes a turnoff for both people involved.)
A mother who picked up after him and could keep everything organized for him, but he got to do as he pleased at the same time. It was frustrating, for a LOT of years, until I understood what was happening. I know he couldn't see himself at ALL for most of our marriage, but now he is actually verbally saying some things about his ADHD, that are making him more approachable.
Yes!!!!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
"I want to be his wife, not his Mom. My view - he wants his wife to behave like a Mom. Been there. Done that. Nope, it ain't for me."
I just read this quote tonight, and it sort of jumped out at me, because it's something I've known for a long time in our lives. Once we got married, he seemed to no longer wanted a wife, partner, lover, friend, but more of a MOTHER.. And who wants to "be romantic" with your "MOTHER"?(I think it becomes a turnoff for both people involved.)
A mother who picked up after him and could keep everything organized for him, but he got to do as he pleased at the same time. It was frustrating, for a LOT of years, until I understood what was happening. I know he couldn't see himself at ALL for most of our marriage, but now he is actually verbally saying some things about his ADHD, that are making him more approachable.
>>>>
Yes....exactly the same!
Jenna...
Submitted by julie jay on
I read this whole thread, and one thing really stands out to me: you said you suffer from PTSD and peace and calm are a must in your life and he only acknowledges this need of yours when you mention separation...well, i feel the need to share my experience with you:
you will read some negative posts of mine about my wonderful hubs, but for the most part, in life in general, i try to be positive. i know that when i get bogged down in resentment and bitterness, the negativity flows. however, i know that i know, if i am to remain married to him for any length of time, i MUST be positive in general. (i have a strong Faith that keeps me pretty grounded, too)
i just got put on Prozac (Jan 15th) and my birth control pills changed for my hormone levels to be more regulated b/c i thought i was literally losing my mind. i walked around on eggshells from the time i woke up until i closed my eyes at night. cried ALL. THE. TIME. would just shake, uncontrollably, all the time. i constantly thought about how to make all of this end, without inconveniencing the least amount of people.
i, like you, realize he is a 53 year old man that will never be able to function without me (or another like me); my mother has done it for my father for 51 years, i guess i can do it for the 2nd half of my life. (i'm 42, this is my 2nd marriage) i've literally reconciled myself to this. i know it will never change. what i've decided to do is try to make the most of it.
we have been together for 8 years. when we met, he made $98k that year (2007). the last 3 1/2 years, he has not worked at all and i have drained all but $10k of my i.r.a. just to pay bills and his youngest's child support. my hubs, like yours, is def the HYPER (matter of fact, he just told me the story about his kindergarten telling his parents he was 'hyperactive' - yeah, no kiddin) so he is NOT lazy, in the least, rarely sleeps or sits still...i came home last friday and my WHOLE HOUSE had been 'cleaned' (his version of clean, still very much appreciated!!)...swept, every piece of clothing we had had been washed and put away (no small feat, i let it go too much), kitchen cleaned, dishwasher had been loaded, ran and unloaded...i wondered if my dr. had called him to tell him i had some sort of terminal illness.
at this point, all i know to say is you've heard what others who have been married for 20, 30+ years have said, and my little 2 cents, so i guess govern your actions accordingly.
i can also say this...this past week and few days on Prozac has been a DREAM...i feel more physically tired, it affects my sleep, but during the day, i honestly can make it a whole 24 hours without trying to figure out how to kill myself to escape it all, and actually have the patience i need and CRAVE so i can deal with my husband. crying and uncontrollable shaking has ceased. i think i might actually make it.
hope this helps. :o)
xoxo - julie jay
Julie Jay
Submitted by Jenna72 on
>>>>>i just got put on Prozac (Jan 15th) and my birth control pills changed for my hormone levels to be more regulated b/c i thought i was literally losing my >>>>>>mind. i walked around on eggshells from the time i woke up until i closed my eyes at night. cried ALL. THE. TIME. would just shake, >>>>>>uncontrollably, all the time. i constantly thought about how to make all of this end, without inconveniencing the least amount of people.
Oh, I know RIGHT where you're coming from.... My most problematic symptom from the PTSD has been hypervigilance and social anxiety. I have been on paxil, which was a godsend to me... Helped me turn my life around! After several years of paxil and therapy, I was able to come off of it. I still have bouts of anxiety from time to time, and I have xanax for that but I don't like to take it unless I have to bc it makes the anxiety 10 times worse when it wears off... I am able to control it through natural herbs/supplements now, in addition to continuing therapy. However, last year perimenopause kicked in full swing. Thinking it was the hypervigilance, I went on the paxil, but it didn't work this time. Switched to other SSRI's, with no relief. Took me months to realize that's what it was. My dr was able to help once I asked for help! Lol I was also crying ALL THE TIME - EVERY day on the way to work, at work, on the way home, when I got home, cooking dinner, etc. I too literally thought I was losing my mind.. Exhausting! But my hormones are now regulated with bioidentical hormones as well as the pill. I am doing much better.
As difficult as my fiance is, I do love him. He does have moments - days, even, where he is calm and helpful. He is still learning about my health conditions and I have started bringing him with me to my dr, so he can have a better understanding of what I go through. It has def helped.
It is very difficult to sort out our combined mess. Between his conditions and mine, we have multiple meds and supplements and dr appts. I DO think I would have been better off never having his kids live with us, as I wouldn't feel the resentment/feel the need to watch my back whenever I'm around them. With the hypervigilance, once someone betrays me, I NEVER forget it and never relax around that person ever again. I know it's extreme, and over the top, but I have been through too much in my life, and this is the result. I deal with it best I can. He is learning why I am the way I am.
I so wish the first few years had been easier. But if he stays the course he's on, gets/keeps an ADHD coach and tries meds, ALL of which he has agreed to do, I don't want to walk away. He's a good man. He just needs to learn how to best manage his condition. There are still slip-ups, esp when he's overexcited or overstressed, which happened this past weekend. He was so over the top, I had to walk away. I wound up falling asleep for 3 hours. He was very concerned. I had to explain that when I am that overwhelmed for more than a few hours, my body just can't handle it and I must rest. He made sure to try and keep things in check, as well as make dinner, and constantly ask me if I was ok. I eventually made it back to my normal self, and all was good. This is MAJOR progress for us. He took the time to understand what happened, and took steps to make it better. I am hopeful that with meds and therapy, things will work out. I am trying not to be too hopeful, though, and that keeps a bit of a grey cloud over things....
understand
Submitted by NigelC on
Jenna ,
I am a 54 year old male, was married for 26 years . Our Marriage was always Fun, but full of arguments and frustrations. 3 years before the Marriage ended , I was diagnosed with Adult ADHD .. That changed a lot of things . To know finally that was a Massive cause of a lot of the misunderstandings, hurt, frustrations, between us, beliefs of the other not caring, Frustrations and on a number of occasions physical Abuse carried out on me through those frustrations, that was an Epic moment ! to understand how frustrated I also felt all the time that I really did love that person, I really did care, but that walking away in the middle of conversations is not normal ! forgetting anniversaries and birthdays etc etc ... And WHY , for me, it was Normal to me ... I cant explain that sudden "I GET IT" Feeling. Your partner needs to "Cope" with their ADHD , Understand it ! , grieve for all the things in their life that have adversely affected them due to it, Cherish the GREAT Side of ADHD , the humour, the Creativity, the multi processing (without the finish usually ..lol) the adventurousness . Both of you Learn as much as you can about it ... you will have very different perspectives, but it helps ! .. I can tell you this , even though it Doesnt seem like he doesnt care about you, He probably does an awful lot ! he is "Distracted, all the time ", by the TV, by his brain, by a noise, by anything other than what he should be focused on - you ! & yes there is all the chaos, and the impulsiveness and the lack of organisation etc etc . I realise now how Frustrating and crazy that seems to someone else. But im Sure he does care a lot .. You can learn a lot , When you know you have it .. My case it was too late, Too many things had gone wrong, too many arguments, too much Isolation , too much hurt,. Dont give up Hope , Especially if he is willing to get help and take medicine etc. I will just say one thing though . Amphetemines only work for a number of hours and then you go straight back to ADHD behaviour , so need to be very careful about when to take them. I used to take them for work , during work hours and then stop in late afternoon or couldnt sleep, so Work was getting the medicated me, my poor Ex Wife was getting the ADHD me .... I hope things work out for you both... In defence of people with ADHD, We DO CARE, WE DO LOVE , WE DO HEAR EVERYTHING , we just dont show the other person that we do because we too busy sorting through 1000 other things a second .... Its the way our brain works. When we in the middle of a serious conversation and we think - I need to make a cup of coffee ! , We just walk off ! and go make a cup of coffee ! ,its hard to understand , I know. But once we are Diagnosed, on meds , go to seminars about ADHD , seek help, get coaches, It Really helps... It takes a while to understand that the way you think and behave is just different to others . ADHD have some very Good Characteristics too... . Go to some Seminars, do research & take him with you ... Wish you Both the best :-) I Wish I had known sooner and Understood more .. Still time for you ! :-) But you Both got to come to terms with the nature of the Beast... Together :-) & its not just a Beast , lots of Good things about it too , but its Very Difficult to Live with someone with ADHD ... :-) I know, I had to for 54 years ... lol
RE: understand
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Ty, Nigel. Your post was extremely supportive and I really appreciate it. I have recently made progress with him - have been highlighting passages in Melissa's book and reading them to him a bit at a time. He likes to know he's not the only one, and likes to learn about himself, and why he does certain things. While the past few years have been NUTS, things are calmer now and I am seeing some real hope on the horizon.
TY for giving me some insight - I can see in his eyes he loves me. Other ppl have said the same thing. He can be a total sweetheart!!! Buys me roses when he can, cleans, makes dinner if I don't feel well, fixes my car/anything of mine that's broke!!! Lol But then his ADHD steps in, and I question all of it. From my eyes, I wasn't sure if he was distracted or using me. Can you see how I would think that? Walking away in the middle of what I'm saying.... forgetting special days/forgetting to make time for just US. I am starting to see that there is MUCH more going on then just what meets the surface. I am now realizing I must do my own work so I don't take his behaviour so personally. Not sure how to do this yet!!!!!
Your comment that you DO feel/care, etc and that you're always thinking 1000 things a second - helps tremendously. He has said the same in the past, but I wasn't sure if I should believe him. I am finally getting some hope back, and starting to realize that this can be dealt with, esp since he's willing to learn. We have to go at a slow pace in order for him to take it all in, and make changes that stick, but I am truly starting to believe again. And that is priceless for me. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR INPUT!!!
It is hard bc I have lost the support of many of my friends. They saw me going through hard times, and judged him without knowing all that ADHD encompasses. While I appreciate them looking out for me, it hurt to have to stop talking to most of them. Your post gave me some of that support back. Thank you.
I miss the first 6 months we were going out,
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
I miss the first 6 months we were going out,
>>>>
I can tell you that THAT person does NOT exist. Not really. This is typical. When mentally-unhealthy people first are in relationships, things usually go well because they aren't YET experiencing "real life" which triggers their reactions. During those first few months, they are "high" on the new relationship. When that "drug" wears off, then the "real person" comes out.
this is why it's very hard to mentally unhealthy people to hide their "true selves" after awhile....or even after they're in therapy for awhile....their true selves start slipping thru.
OWW - first 6 mos
Submitted by Jenna72 on
Thx for your input. I'd have to respectfully disagree, as I still see the real him from time to time, and it's definitely the man I knew the first 6 months. I've also seen the real him in therapy as well. What I miss is the time alone with no drama. He had a small apt by the bay when we first started dating, and we would listen to music, talk, go for walks by the bay, watch movies, etc. It was as close to perfect as I could have hoped for. When he came to live with me, I think it was an adjustment for him as my house is much bigger than the apt he was in. He immediately went to work fixing ANYTHING that was broke in the house, and it changed things a bit. I wasn't ready for the change. About 1 month later, his thyroid became hyper and he lost his libido. It's back now, but it took almost 8 months to reach the ideal dosage of his thyroid meds.. meanwhile, the whole time we're dealing with that, I have to deal with his ex-wife constantly calling/texting me to tell me he's cheating on me, etc. I knew it wasn't true - most of the times she called she was high or drunk, and 99% of the time he was sitting right next to me when she said he was out with so-and-so. But it was still extremely stressful. At one point, she tried to hire someone to beat him up - luckily, the person she tried to hire was my friend's boyfriend, so we got a heads up. To say it was surreal is the understatement of the year. Shortly after that, his ex lost the house he gave her, and then his kids moved in... It's been super stressful since he moved in. It is just now starting to settle down now...
I probably didn't explain well enough....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<<
I'd have to respectfully disagree, as I still see the real him from time to time, and it's definitely the man I knew the first 6 months. I've also seen the real him in therapy as well. What I miss is the time alone with no drama.
>>>
Yes, you likely do see the "better him" from time to time...you likely see the "perfect him" from time to time.......likely when he's not stressed, anxious, upset, triggered. that was also the "no-drama him" when you were first dating. I think many of us see the "better partner" from time to time.
There are many times when my H is not only totally normal, but incredibly gentle, sweet and giving. ...just like when we were first dating.
BUT....as soon as something ruffles their feathers, makes them anxious, etc, then the DRAMA begins. And.....then after the drama ends, the "normal person" returns.....until they are "jarred" by something else that will trigger more drama.
But....maybe you're experiencing something different...and if so, then super.
OWW
Submitted by Jenna72 on
""But....maybe you're experiencing something different...and if so, then super.""
I hope so!! Fingers crossed, but eyes wide open...
Hours, and Days, and Weeks, and Months, and Years go by
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
In my own marriage, and many people's marriages, the excitement of the romance of 'falling in love' and courtship, and the proposal, and being engaged, and the wedding, and the honeymoon. . . . . . . they are real, and wonderful......and are a specific season, and then comes the next season, . .. . . . . . married life. When the cute little things they did are now annoying, and all the 'intense' romantic stuff slowly evolves into everyday routines.
This pattern is called life, in my opinion. It has not a whit to do with ADHD, or mental illnesses. It just is. We are all ever evolving. It it was very difficult for me to sift through all the struggles I have in my marriage and determine what is ADHD and what is not. What may be depression. What may be old emotional stuff that has been carried around and never dealt with properly.
My spouse is in there. Right now he is still being drug to the pit of agony by old behaviors and old baggage that keep him from doing the 'partner work' I so intensely hope we can do some day. Until such a time as he can truly see all that crap is getting in his way, I can do nothing but sit, and pray, and hope he hits rock bottom before our marriage is destroyed beyond survival.
Today is the day the separation papers get filled out. Tangible evidence of what will be if things remain as they are. Not what I want, but what I need. I cannot take living with his anger and hostility and desperation anymore. They are for my own personal peace of mind. And to remind me that even though it may be a difficult choice, it can be accomplished in baby steps. And it can also be turned around and crumpled up and tossed in the woodburner. . . . . . .
I am enjoying my college courses. I have a scrapbooking weekend in a few weeks. I have blasted my own self out of the quagmire of doom - and I hope he may choose to do it too, if not for the marriage, than purely for himself. He deserves much better than he is giving to himself.
Liz
<<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<<
In my own marriage, and many people's marriages, the excitement of the romance of 'falling in love' and courtship, and the proposal, and being engaged, and the wedding, and the honeymoon. . . . . . . they are real, and wonderful......and are a specific season, and then comes the next season, . .. . . . . . married life. When the cute little things they did are now annoying, and all the 'intense' romantic stuff slowly evolves into everyday routines.
>>>>
Absolutely!
But when dealing with a partner that isn't mentally healthy can mean that the normal "settling in" process can be MUCH worse.....the over-reactions, the hyper-sensitivity, the inappropriate anger-responses, the grudges, the rudeness, etc....is often far beyond what a normal couple experiences.
But, does that mean..?
Submitted by Jenna72 on
"But when dealing with a partner that isn't mentally healthy can mean that the normal "settling in" process can be MUCH worse.....the over-reactions, the hyper-sensitivity, the inappropriate anger-responses, the grudges, the rudeness, etc....is often far beyond what a normal couple experiences. ""
So, does that mean that once the settling in process has passed, things will settle into a routine? Or does that mean the settling in process never ends?
Life...
Submitted by Jenna72 on
"My spouse is in there. Right now he is still being drug to the pit of agony by old behaviors and old baggage that keep him from doing the 'partner work' I so intensely hope we can do some day. Until such a time as he can truly see all that crap is getting in his way, I can do nothing but sit, and pray, and hope he hits rock bottom before our marriage is destroyed beyond survival."
Does he take medication for his ADHD? Does it work? What about therapy of some sort?
"Today is the day the separation papers get filled out. Tangible evidence of what will be if things remain as they are. Not what I want, but what I need. I cannot take living with his anger and hostility and desperation anymore. They are for my own personal peace of mind. And to remind me that even though it may be a difficult choice, it can be accomplished in baby steps. And it can also be turned around and crumpled up and tossed in the woodburner. . . . . . "
It sounds like you have made the best decision you can for the spot you're in. I'm sure it's not easy, yet I can still hear the hope. It takes a lot to move forward slowly. You're not bailing on the marriage - you're taking baby steps to help yourself, while hoping things can change. I admire that, as I know it's not easy. Perhaps you can set the example and your husband will start to realize that there are other choices out there that he could be making to help himself as well.... Good luck to you today...
My ADHD spouse
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jenna72,
My spouse currently is taking Vyvanse and Wellbutrin. Myself and both our adult children have noticed a vast improvement in his angry depressed mood since he started the Welbutrin over 2 months ago.
He also takes a myriad of supplements from fish oil to Omega 3s. We have gone through many different therapies, including participating In Melissa's group sessions here on this website. While we attempted that, I feel he was still in the "Woe is me" position of "Everything would be fine if my wife would just see the error of her ways." It was a huge disappointment as I only agreed to try it since he told me he was ready. He could not/would not/did not do the homework, reading or look at his own behaviors. He just felt like a victim and wanted someone to agree with him that his spouse was unreasonable.
Currently he is working alone with an ADHD coach. He seems to have a very good connection with the coach, and he continues keep appointments.
My hope has been dashed many a time. There is that glimmer of hope, - - same as a wife or mother of an alcoholic or drug abuser can hope that the person with addiction can take responsibility for what they are doing and find healthier ways of dealing with pain.
I have spent the past 4 years following my instructions - quit being the parent, focus on myself, continue my college classes, and keep the focus on ME.
It has helped me tremendously.
I see his pain. I do not want to bash him, nor blacken his name. I want him to learn better ways to get past anger, and accept responsibility for his own actions.
Liz
Re: Adhd spouse
Submitted by Jenna72 on
My fiance is also on Wellbutrin. HUGE positive impact on his mood. We are in the midst of trying to find an effective ADHD med as well, but they are waiting to finish fine tuning his thyroid first. He's tried Adderall, but it knocked him out cold every time he took it. They reduced his dose to 30mg, and made sure he took it before he started his day. That helped, but it had a weird effect on his personality - he no longer had empathy. Wasn't capable of it. It's actually listed as a side effect! He didn't like it, and eventually stopped taking it. I currently have him taking some supplements - Cod Liver Oil, Panthothenic Acid (B5), CoQ10 and Vitamin D3. They help somewhat...
I'm sorry to hear the group sessions weren't as fruitful as they could've been. It's a shame he wasn't truly ready - they may have helped! I am hoping to be able to take them in the future...
How did go you about finding his coach? My fiance's insurance will recommend mental health providers, with PhD's, but not an actual coach.
I know what you mean about hope. It's like a roller coaster for me. I see him acting positively, muster up some hope, things go well, then poof! Back to former bad attitude/old habits. I don't like the roller coaster. He is FINALLY starting to see the detrimental effect is has on my health, and I am grateful for that small step. Without it, I was looking at having to save myself first, and that was heading straight towards separation. He has agreed to give me space/time to myself. Oh, how I have missed that! I love to read, listen to music, clean/organize my home! Now I can get those things done! Woohoo! And now that he is actually giving me my space, he is starting to value the time we spend together more as a result. This I am also happy for, but recognize it may not last long.. That's ok, as long as I can do things for me.
Keep doing things for you! And ty so much for your comments. They are greatly appreciated!!!
Referrals and meds
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Jenna72,
On the Help for Couples tab of this website, click on Referrals. There is a list you can look through.
We do not have insurance to pay for the ADHD coach. The best break we can get is being able to list it as either Professional Fees or Education/Training on our business taxes. Still gotta pay for it - but at least it gives us a tax break.
My spouse's coach was recommended. The first one he had did not work out. I was annoyed at that one. My spouse would have phone conversations and basically rehash over and over the dilemma of his failing marriage,and how his wife does not appreciate him. In MY opinion, that coach should have told him he needed a counselor, but they just took his money and listened to his woes. Then he tried The Attention Center in Cleveland. Our experience was it was just too new, and did not provide the assistance my spouse needed for a late diagnosis of ADHD - after age 50. A few years ago we did some private sessions with Melissa. Then we got to the place where she could not help us until . . . . . . thus came the list I am working on. When my spouse asked to try again, Melissa was not available for private session, and she recommended another counselor, whose spouse is an ADHD coach.
My spouse used Adderall for quite a long time. Unfortunately, - in my opinion - it added to his hostility and aggression. Then at night when the potency dropped out of his system - blammo, the Afternoon Nasties. VERY unpleasant, and from a man whose behavior was unpleasant to start, it was terrible.
There is a lot my spouse CAN do. His unwillingness or inability to do them has frustrated me. It has built up to such a fevered pitch on my part, any little thing he does sets me off. Not a nice way for me to live. I was juggling too many eggs at one time. I couldn't do it all. They started to hit the floor, and a mess ensued.
I believe 4 years has been a plenty enough long time for him to be angry with me. It was January 28 4 years ago, I told him I was done being controlled by his anger, so he would have to figure out another way to deal with conflict. Up until them, I had bent and swayed and gave in to keep him happy. Imagine how really, really angry someone can get in 4 years. Whoa! It is not nice. At all. I will not take responsibility for his anger. I hope he will. And want to learn how to compromise and re-negotiate our lives.
Liz