So I've been sitting here for a couple of hours reading a lot of posts about chore wars and power struggles and the resulting resentment. I'm the non-ADD spouse, but I differ from many here in that I don't mind picking up after my ADD wife. I'm not talking about her work things or clothes, but if she leaves the coffee creamer out on the counter (almost every day), I simply put it away. If she sweeps the kitchen but leaves the debris in a pile on the floor, I pick it up. If she leaves all the lights and TV on upstairs even though she's sitting downstairs watching TV, I'll shut them off without any resentment. Just a flick of a few switches, no big deal. I figure it's something easy I can do that isn't worth bickering about. However, my wife actually gets upset with me when I do these things. She'll even go to the extent of turning the TV and lights back on to, passively, make her point. I'll explain that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I just did it because it had to be done and it wasn't a big deal. But virtually anything that I do to help her, she see as exploiting her weaknesses. She'll even reopen the garage door if I close it after she was the last one to come in. I've told her how much it hurts me when I she accuses me of attacking her by picking up after her, but she doesn't seem to care. She would rather I just leave that stuff for her even if it bugs me.
This pertains to picking up clutter also. I know that she's wired differently and clutter isn't her strong suit, so I try to make an extra effort to keep things organized, and get rid of stuff that isn't being used or is old. But she freaks out whenever I take initiative to get organized whether her stuff is involved or not. I never throw out anything of hers, but the kids and I will go through their stuff and separate trash/donation/repurpose, but she'll pull it out of the garbage and start telling us that we're throwing away perfectly good stuff - i.e. pieces of incomplete toy sets, doll clothing with no matching dolls, boxes of old crayons (even though we're keeping hundreds of more crayons), outgrown worn out shoes. I've told her that it makes me feel like a prisoner in my own home when I can't even clean without being yelled at (not the nicest thing I've ever said), but it's true. I've always prided myself on staying organized, but because she can't seem to stay organized, she resents me for it AND I DON'T EVEN FAULT HER.
Just today she attacked me for asking her why she was cleaning the bathroom floor not 3 minutes after I cleaned it. I probably should have just dropped it, but I know that she saw me do it and was just being passive aggressive again. For some reason in her mind she thought that it was her responsibility and she was mad that I did it. I had absolutely no problem doing it, and in fact felt good about it. I suspect it was probably on some list she had for the day, and I upset her schedule by doing it, but she never shares any of her coping schemes with me. I guess I'm just supposed to stay out of the way, but that completely diminishes my self worth and that pisses me off. I tell her all the time that I want to work on how we coordinate our lives, so we're not stepping on each others toes, but she takes this as me trying to control her. She just wants to do things her way without any regard for what I want. Is this just her trying to assert power over me? I know she has very low self esteem and is trying so hard to will her way through all the household stuff, but I have a very hard time with her resenting me helping out with things that I do not mind doing. She's told me that she's always had this dream of being the "perfect mom" since she was a kid. She's given herself some ideal to live up to that not even a non-ADDer could match, but she'll be damned if her husband is going to help her. Will she ever let go of this anger or shame or whatever she's holding inside that makes her feel so worthless when I do something to help her? She's even gone as far as trying to repair her broken car window when I am clearly better equipped to handle this. She is not mechanically inclined and I work on the cars all the time, but it's like she has something to prove to me.
This behavior has really ramped up over the last year when I've really started pushing her to address her ADHD more vigorously. In this respect, I admit trying to control her, but this is something that needs to be addressed or our marriage will be bye-bye. But now she's lashing back by trying to relinquish me of any power and is diving into further denial that she has ADHD. BTW, she was diagnosed about 2 years ago, but has never had any kind of successful therapy. Tried Adderall, but little improvement.
Can any ADDers out there help me understand what she's feeling and what you may have done to overcome the attacks on your non-ADD spouses?
Okay I will try because this
Submitted by summerwine on
Okay I will try because this is something that I have been working on really hard with my counselor. Think about all the things that we expect from women in our culture all the stuff that women are expected to be good at. Stuff like being organized and having a clean house and having a job while juggling the kids activities and being good at communicating and multitasking and being a princess on the street and freak in the bedroom and all those things. Just like sit and think about those things for a minute. OK ready? Now read a list of all the things that ADHD impairs. Organization and multitasking and communication and all that stuff. It's the same stuff! Can you imagine having a disability that impairs your ability to be what society thinks makes you a good woman? OMG that messed me up so bad! How could it not mess up your wife? Think about all the stuff that our culture expects you to be as a man now imagine if you were just bad at doing all those things because your brain developed differently. How would you be?
I completely understand,
Submitted by I_want_my_wife_back on
I completely understand, Summerwine. I don't blame her at all for the way she feels. I just wonder if there is anything I can do to help her let go of those expectations given her particular brain composition. I know it isn't easy, but it seems like there are a lot of instances out there with other ADDers that have learned to be more accepting of their spouses support and change their own expectations of themselves. Ya know?
I relate
Submitted by Kyrs10 on
My husband can be the same way. I do just take care of the little things, and there are certain few things like the bathroom and trash that are just his... and I am supposed to just never do (per my councilor) so that he can have responsibility. He doesnt do them usually, and it would be easier if I just did them I guess. I don't know what is right either. I feel like he would function better in a clean organized home (as would I). I want to just do it. .. Either way he feels guilty.... if I do it without saying anything it is a guilt trip.... If I remind him its a guilt trip....
It is her issue is what I guess I am saying... she feels guilty about her shortcomings (in her mind), and it is nothing you did. She needs to work through it.
On the attacks, I don't know.... personally I have anxiety just thinking about it. I totally relate. Don't let her make you think you are the guilter
Is it possible...
Submitted by kaycee_michelle on
...to ask her to take care of those things? Tell her hey honey you left the lights on upstairs? Or perhaps doing things together say if she were to clean the bathroom floor, you could tackle the shower and/or the toilet at the same time?
I don't have this issue with my spouse however he keeps putting knives sharp end up in the dishwasher for example. I may be getting extreme here but I'm thinking I don't want something like this to be an issue (hope to God) when we have children. So instead of fixing it this last time I sent him a text message when I wasn't around and asked him to fix the dishes and when I came into the kitchen he had fixed them himself and asked if it sufficed. I praised him and thanked him, now I'm not sure if it will stick but trying new things never hurts right? And I do apologize if you have already tried.
*If you always do what you've always done you always get what you've always gotten*
Have you asked the counselor.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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My husband can be the same way. I do just take care of the little things, and there are certain few things like the bathroom and trash that are just his... and I am supposed to just never do (per my councilor) so that he can have responsibility. He doesnt do them usually, and it would be easier if I just did them I guess. I don't know what is right either.
>>>
Have you asked the counselor what you're supposed to do after you've waited a "more than reasonable" amount of time and it's no longer hygienic?
My H once tracked in mud onto the carpet. The therapist said that he needed to clean it up. I WAITED 18 months (yes!!!!) and finally when we were having guests come, I HAD to shampoo the carpet to get rid of the stains...there were many, many stains (vacuuming over the previous 18 months had gotten up the "mud" but the stains were still there. (I also waited over a month for him to at least vacuum, but he didn't.
H once spilled red wine (he was drunk) all throughout the house. HIs T said that he should clean it up. BUT....H came home and raged at me for not cleaning it by saying that "I was purposely making him feel bad by not cleaning it for him."
Your wife needs therapy
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
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If she leaves all the lights and TV on upstairs even though she's sitting downstairs watching TV, I'll shut them off without any resentment. Just a flick of a few switches, no big deal. I figure it's something easy I can do that isn't worth bickering about. However, my wife actually gets upset with me when I do these things. She'll even go to the extent of turning the TV and lights back on to, passively, make her point. I'll explain that I wasn't trying to make her feel bad.
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What she's doing is this.... When she turns those things back on, she's trying to send a message, "Oh, I didn't turn them off on purpose, so that's why I turned them back on." In her mind, you "corrected her," and her self esteem took a hit, so she thinks she's proving that she didn't make a mistake by turning them back on (I wanted it that way! It wasn't a mistake!)
I'm guessing that while she was growing up, she was corrected for these mistakes and so when you do it, it reminds her of her many corrections as a child. Back then, she probably couldn't get away with claiming that she left them on purposely because her parents probably would have still chided her for wasting electricity. (ADHD people waste a whole bunch of things....time, money, materials, products, food, etc.....so often their entire lifetimes have been spent hearing others correct them.)
I'm the ADD partner in my
Submitted by Oldskool454 on
I'm the ADD partner in my marriage and we have a different dynamic than what you describe, but if I was you in this situation (understanding how ADD works after living with it all my life), I would attempt to directly discuss and give her the choice, thus giving her the "power" in the situation.
ie. " I need to have certain things clean, or conserve electricity and water etc, so when I see a mess, or a light left on, water running, etc, I feel compelled to fix the situation, that compulsion is never going to change. So, which scenario would you prefer? A: I just fix what I see as needing to be fixed and move on? or B: Tell you I am noticing it and ask YOU to resolve it at that time? Keep in mind that when I would go with B, I will not be able to accept 'I was planning on doing it later' since I cannot move on and relax knowing that there is a pile of dirt on the floor, or the TV is on etc, I will expect you to get up then and there and resolve the situation"
IMHO she has a sweet gig there with you being willing to just clean up behind her and not say a word and not accuse her of being lazy or any of the common complaints in this situation. I feel she is out of lie to get mad at you and then go so far as to UNDO the work you just did, to "prove a point", that is just plain childish. If she "resents" you helping, and actually participating in a household, she should see how she feels without ANY participation (which MANY housewives/moms complain about).
There is something else going on here, with all of this "I am super woman, don't you dare help me" idea in her head, and then the cognitively dissonant reality of her never actually DOING the stuff she insists that she can and will do if not for you "meddling" and "sabotaging" her efforts that she was "just about to get around to". I would suggest some couples counseling which would likely spawn counseling for her alone, if she has only been diagnosed ADD 2 years ago, she has likely been living with the effects of it, and the emotional damage thereof, for years longer, so the sooner she understands what this really IS, the sooner she can get around the low self esteem stuff and start building some skills to deal with day to day life.