Marriage and monogamy
Hi- first time blog- female, 2 year diagnosis with ADHD, adult kids, 30 year marriage, full time job, study masters deg and the rest. I wonder if other ADHD gifted people have the same problem with monogamy? Not promiscuity- thats well documented, but to be discontented and finding others? Short question.
Technorati Tags:
response to Marriage and Monogamy
The short answer is yes. In some cases, it stems from not feeling appreciated (this is somewhat understated) by your non-ADD spouse, and you look elsewhere for that incredibly powerful positive high associated with being the recipient of adoration that comes with a "new" relationship. That too, alas, fades over time.
the other side too
As a wife of an ADD husband, I can tell you that I'm often tempted these days to "find comfort" with another man. I'm tired of feeling ignored or, worse, like the only grown-up in the relationship. I definitely don't feel appreciated!
When your partner, whichever side of the ADD equation s/he is on, doesn't fulfill your needs, it's easy to start looking other places to get them filled.
I have chosen not to cheat on my spouse, though, even though it's been months since we've had sex (normal pattern for us--he says he wants to, but just forgets to do anything about it) and I could pretty much strip wallpaper with my nails these days, if you know what I mean. ;-)
The only way things will get better is to try things to make them better. Getting a little something on the side won't help and will, in fact, hurt the chances of making things better. I know I have trust issues with my ADD husband because he doesn't keep his promises, but that doesn't give me any license to break trust with him on my side. If he, however, cheated, this relationship would be over. That would be the absolute final straw.
the other side
I read your post and can only say I relate! My husband who was diagnosed 4 years ago with ADD (he is 43) often lets me know how unappreciated he feels. We have only been married for 9 months, ( I am 41 and have been called very attractive.) Still ,we have sex once per month. This has never been my pattern! I am a fully-formed adult with a well-documented history. By the way, I adore my husband and would love to be more "active". It is he who finds the reasons not to.
I have been tempted as well, but am old enough to know that that would only bring more guilt/sorrow. Still, it is difficult, and I don't know if our marriage will make it through sometimes. What's worse is that his constantly feeling undervalued leads me to think that HE will be the one who ultimately cheats!
or it's just that you're in
or it's just that you're in desperate need of a like mind and spirit, same as yourself. i had to deal with that for the past 12+ years of my marriage, my poor wife. i strayed once, but knew it was not for the emotional, spiritual and mental needs that went and are still going unmet. you're not alone.
i am so sorry for you as well...
J
"It hurts to be Me...among all the Normals."
AniGRAF/x, Inc