The Symptom of Anger with People who have ADD

You are right to stick up for yourself and not allow your husband to demean you.  It sounds as if the name calling is part of his trying to establish his power in some way.  It may also be that this is a communication pattern that he has seen much of growing up, and doesn't have too much exposure to other ways to communicate.

However, I would stay away from words like "not acceptable", which sound like you are a parent figure (i.e. authority figure) and may just throw fuel on his fire.  Also, try not to get into "scold mode".  "See, this is what you can't do when we have children" is, in fact, a criticism of his behavior (so he's right on this one).  He's had way too many people telling him all of his life what he can, can't or shouldn't do.  You don't want to become another one of them.  That's the road to a terrible marriage, lots of discord, lots of fights, and bad sex.  Next time you are feeling that you have an issue with his behavior, consider a different approach.  If you can find one that succeeds for you, you'll be much less likely to throw him into "auto shut down" mode (which is triggered by behavior that reminds him of bad stuff that has happened in his past).

Your marriage needs to be morphed from one where the two people are trying to figure out who is going to be in control to one in which the two of you are figuring out how to respect each other's needs and ways of being.  This can be really tough, particularly with someone who is as "touchy" as your husband sounds.  But it is also a very common pattern in the first few years of marriage.  You are together in courtship and it's one great exploration (fueled by all sorts of wonderful romance chemicals in your brains that help you overlook "reality"), then you get married and suddenly it changes to "who's in charge?"  You don't want it to be this way, or even think about it, it just happens.  You haven't changed as people, but your brains have changed (no more romance chemicals) and so the world seems very, very different.

There are a whole bunch of different ways to think about how to frame your lives and the work that you need to do in order to affect the change from competitors to partners.  Steven Stosny and Patricia Love, authors of "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" would suggest that you need to understand the male's tendency to experience crippling shame and the female's quick movement towards fear of being alone.  Their approach includes anticipating how things you say might trigger shame and fear responses in your partner, and having both partners sensitize themselves to how to be better together, even when they aren't talking.  It's an interesting concept, particularly in that many with ADD experience elevated levels of shame about what they've gone through with ADD that make them move into shame mode pretty quickly.  Or, there is Imago Marital Therapy, which tries to create a path of work that a couple does together to see change from competition through to a more mature love for who each person is.  You would need a therapist to embark upon this.  I'm a big fan of Stosny's earlier book "You Don't Have to TAke It Anymore" - where he talks a lot about getting out of the mode of walking on eggshells (a phrase I understand completely - been there, done that).

Whatever techniques you decide to explore, do pay attention to how he likes to communicate and "be".  Remember that men feel better when they "solve stuff" and women feel better when they "talk about stuff".  The two are very different, and often talking for talking's sake is like listening to a woman run her nails down a chalkboard for a guy.  (Conversely, having a guy say "you should do X" and walk off, assuming everything has been solved, is intensely irritating to a woman who wants to explore what she is feeling...)  So think about trying different modes of communication, times, places, duration...change things up and see what works, don't just assume that your way (or the woman's way) is the best way to communicate together (it's a two-way thing...so you have to experiment.  What works best for both of you together ulitmately creates what works best for you since you can't solve any of these issues by yourself.)

You also have a treatment/medicinal issue - I assume that the antidepressants he was using were interfering with your sex life - a not uncommon side effect.  But there are other options for treating ADHD and depression, so he should have a thorough talk with his doctor about his options on this one.  If he continues to not want the meds, he should try a very regular exercise routine.  This will a.) help his depression and b.) help his ADD and focus and c.) help his self image.  Because you are having so many issues together, you might actually approach exercise as not only fun but medicinal.  See if he would consider at least 30 minutes (or more) 5 days a week.  You might even consider linking exercise with hot sex...as in find him in the shower on a regular basis when he is done...a good motivator for all!  In all seriousness, exercise is a form of self-medication for people with ADD - it releases chemicals in the brain that are very calming and beneficial...drinking is another form of self-medication, but unlike exercise, has a large number of negatives, too.

My experience is that sometimes people with ADD do get into a control thing - trying to keep their lives organized can be hard, and so they "over organize".  However, there must be a way that you can help him, or share the cooking experience with him, without being in his way.  Is there a counter that you can sit at?  Could you do some chopping for him?  Hang out with a glass of wine or soda and just talk about whatever?  I assume that he isn't in the kitchen every single night, so take his forays there as a gift, and see if there is a way that you can be involved without being considered an interference.  If that doesn't work, take the time to go upstairs, hop into a warm bath and read a book or something...leaving him to do whatever he wants and getting pleasure from it while you also treat yourself to something special.