Help with chores and communication
Posted January 9th, 2008 by Robert Johnson
I've been married for a year to a wife with diagnosed ADHD (since childhood) who is very comfortable with her diagnosis and feels she has a very firm grasp and control of her condition. It has become one of the scenarios discussed elsewhere ... since we have moved in she has never cleaned up her things, she is still unpacked from a trip 2 months ago. I do everything I can to keep everything I own put away and clean. We made a job list a few months back of who is responsible for what. I do mine consistantly and to her nagging specifications, she has yet to do the bulk of her jobs. She is currently unemployed but when I come home from 8 hours I honestly cannot tell anything has been done. She occasionally will do one small task but on the whole nothing happens. I try and talk with her ... but I always get told she is very busy and gets things done. The one time I didn't do my job for the week I got a lecture on how we both need to do our jobs.
Any time I try and help or even suggest something with ADHD (which she loves to talk about and tell me how well she is in control) it ends ugly. She is on Adderall XR and I honestly think she's a nicer person when she is off of it (and gets more done).
I really don't know what to do ... I am terrified what will happen when we have children and she runs our household. I have no problem working and helping with chores but i'm working full time, doing all the chores, I cook every meal and .... I'm usually the one in the doghouse.
Can someone please suggest where she is and what I can do to help her understand the importance of this teamwork. If she is going to be the master of the household ... she needs to start doing it. The negativity and everything else is just mounting in our marriage.
Thanks
Bob, NY
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2nd Marriage with 3 added kids/husband
I have got to say that reading the comments listed have been very helpful... I see that I need to make some changes in my house for my husband and his four children. I've been married for two years and I have two children from a previous marriage. My husband has four children from a previous marriage and three of the four have ADHD/ADD. He also has it.
My bed room is in consent chaos and my house is turned upside down when his children come over two or three times a month. Once I reorganize my house to accomodate the kids better and my husband what can be done to motivate them to start using the organize stations that are set up?
My daughter is really having a hard time with the behaviors of her step father and step brothers and sisters. My son complains but it does not bother him as much because he understands and has compassion. My daughter does not.. She is 14 years old. What can I do to help her through this process?
Thanks... lost.....
Coping and understanding
Dear all,
First of all thank you for all the comments from both non-ADD partners and ADD-partners. They give me such insight - from the non-ADD side I get encouragement and understanding and from the ADD-side I get a keyhole into my husbands thoughts and ideas, which ultimately helps me to understand him better. I can relate to all the non-ADD spouses who feel they are doing everything and who are struggeling to cut the chores in half. I also find it hard to cope at times. One strategy we have tried is to split the tasks based on ability rather than a 50/50 split. He is obsessive about cleanliness and I just hate doing laundry, dusting and vaccuming, so he is in charge of those things. His obsessive behaviour actually prompts him long before I even get annoyed with it and the tasks get done. Sure, I usually have to put back all the furniture after he has vaccumed because he wants to do it 100%, but I can accept that.
We have both accepted that organising and sorting things are not strong sides of his, but instead, with me being a type A person, they are probably overly strong in me. So I do the organising of shelfs, drawers, papers etc. When I feel that this taks is heavier than the tasks he has then I ask him to chose a chore I dislike to compensate me. A while ago we needed to go through a big pile of papers, file them and throw things away. I told him that it was a couple of hours work and that I know that he just dreads these tasks, so I asked him to suggest a task I dread that he would do as a compensation. He decided to do the dishes for a whole week. I sorted the papers and could then rejoice in not doing the dishes for a whole week. Of course he moaned a bit about it at the end of the week but I just had to remind him about the pile of papers and he continued doing the dishes.
The second strategy that we have rather recently implementing is about curbing the clutter. Without knowing about his ADD my husband was always very keen on labeling things in order to help his memory and to know where things goes. When we first moved togheter I found this system childish and so I completely rejected it. My reasoning was that in kindergarden you can label the boxes but as adults you should know where things go. I have in the past used a organisation as a coping mechanism for depression and so I wasn't planning on bringing that back into my life, with lists and labels. It was not until my husband's ADD was diagnosed and reading up about it that I understood that he actually doesn't remember where things go and that it means things just gets dropped whereever, much to my nuiscance.
We are now trying to implement systems for where everything goes, in order to help him to put things back at their right place. It means I don't have to do everything, running after him picking up. It also means that he can get some of the satisfaction for keeping the place tidy.
The entrance of our house has always been a complete disaster since my husband tends to just drop things as he comes home. Receipts, keys, belts, shoes, coats, brochures, papers from work, bus tickets - everything in one endless chaotic mess. I tried to nag it out of him but it didn't help. When finding out about ADD I decided to take on a more creative approach. Instead of making the entrance the center of chaos I decided to make it the center for ADD help. We now have what I call an entrance organiser. It has shelves where the handbags go, little hanging cups for the bus tickets, another holder for all the bike gear and helmets, a clip for all the take-out brochures. Another holder has all the keys. Each little item has its designated place. On the wall we also have a glassboard where we write reminders and messages to each other. It even has a small family calendar where we write down common projects and appointments. Instead of chaos our entrance has become the coordination central for our lives. And it WORKS! I am amazed when I see my husband putting the thing he used to drop, right where it is supposed to be. I am no longer overwhelmed by all little things being dropped everywhere. What a relief!
Seeing the positive effects of organising and labelling, we have now moved on to label more things. I am now ever considering labelling the shelves of his closet in order to make it easier for him to know where which type of clothes goes and resist the urge to just throw it in and close the door.
At times I do feel like I am a kindergarden teacher trying to teach organisation skills or as a mother keeping after her son. But when I read posts from ADD-partners I realise the reality ADD persons are facing. I can understand how terrifying all these piles of clutter must feel and if you don't know how to organise it once you deal with it then it is just going to create even more agony. If a few lables will ease that feeling then I can live with it.
For me reading and understanding the "other side" has helped me not to resist certain changes and to be able to actually help. And by helping I have helped myself - easing the load on my shoulders and creating a more equal relationship.
Thank you to all of you!
A good book about organization
Hi Janine. Our ADHD family struggles with clutter/chores, etc. bigtime. I'm currently reading an excellent book about the subject - Houseworks by Cynthia Townley Ewer (it's a DK book and has lots of pictures - good for ADHD folks!). Her perspective/approach is great because she does not come by being organized naturally - it's been a learning process/journey for her. I believe she also moderates/runs a website titled OrganizedHome.com.
Janine - thanks!
This is beautifully written and thoughtful. I would like to take it and turn it into a blog post (with attribution to you) so that the most people can see it. That okay with you?
Melissa Orlov
Upcoming wedding - disorder & chaos
Hello bloggers,
Here's what's going on. I am engaged to a wonderful person with ADD. There are lots of arrangements to make for the wedding (next month), and later in the year, party. We sat down and brainstormed on the different elements of planning. My darling wrote it into a chart as we spoke. We decided which of us would be doing what, at least on the most pressing components. All very wonderful and exciting tasks to be doing!
Anyway, my darling had taken on certain things on the list, and was to have made headway with them by a certain time. When the time came he had done marvellously with the first thing he was to do - he hyperfocussed on it and completed it perfectly, if tangentially, but he had not done anything about any of the others, and had lost the chart. Fortunately I had allowed for this eventuality and had made a point of copying out the points from the chart before it left my house, so I could keep my own semblance of order!
Not only had he lost the chart and forgotten to do the other two things he had agreed to do, but he had decided to start a major project on his house (groan.... where have I heard this before :-( ) into which all his attention was going, apart for the attention that was being drained by his periodically (and currently) very worrying and stressful work situation.
Now I have enough of an understanding of ADD to know that really only one thing can be properly focussed on at a time. When he spoke of starting on the house project I urged him not to start it until after the wedding. He agreed to this. When I reminded him of the agreement he had forgotten the earlier discussion - and agreement - altogether.
In hindsight I think I should have attempted to curb his enthusiasm for taking on three of the wedding tasks at once and asked him to focus on just one of them, and when he had done that to look at the list again together to see what he could take on next. That's probably the only way we can have equality in this organising process, although it would mean me directing him, and also me still doing the lions share of the planning.
As it stands now I am doing most of the arranging and getting stressed. His house is in chaos as he attempts to carry on with projects he has begun but can't complete for one reason or another - and I don't get involved with that - I know this is how he lives. His 'spare' time is taken up with stressing about his work situation. What little time we have together is spent trying to unravel what has and hasn't been done re the wedding, and sitting at the computer looking for this or that because he hasn't done it himself, and he is exhausted from everything he is trying to apply himself to so we have no real quality time together. And we are to be married in a few weeks time!
I can just get on with it all and get it all done, but that takes away from what 'should' be the joy of planning this momentous event together. But as he isn't able to do it in the way that I would do it, or to do it in ways he decides for himself, or we decide together, I just need to get on and get it done and adjust my attitude so I am not disappointed that we aren't equally doing it together.
I think he needs to have one task to do at a time, with a deadline, and then I can carry on with all the more detailed stuff. At least then he will have more input than at present as I am just running with it now because there is so much to do and I know he is getting left behind. The thing is, there was one thing, for instance, that he was responsible for, and it involved communicating with someone, but after I had reminded him several times, by the time he got to do it he was too tired and mentally fuddled to communicate properly and get the information we needed, so I had to step in and take over. There is another situation coming up soon where he just has to be alert and communicate effectively but I feel like he probably won't be able to.
Oh well. it has helped to write it out. I can see a little more clearly now. I think part of his getting totally involved in things outside of the relationship is down to him probably having a fear of failure with me. Any insight or advice welcome!
Wedding
Yaaaaaaaaa! What a great story - and it sounds as if you are taking it in stride!
You are about to marry someone whom you treasure...but organization isn't his strong point. Oh well, he has many others, it sounds like. Perhaps you can meet in the middle on this one. Sounds as if he is hyperfocusing elsewhere (wouldn't it be great if they hyperfocused where we want them to - but it doesn't work that way!) Take a look at what it is that you had hoped the two of you would share and see if you can still get some of that time together, even if you take over the logistics. For example, if it's really important to you that he help you pick out wedding registry items, schedule a time to do that together so you still get that pleasure. That way you get good time together. If the planning is too much for just you, hire a wedding planner to help or ask a relative.
Your married life is likely to look a lot like this - and his hyperfocusing on stuff that isn't of interest to you will irritate you a lot more when you are married and the end result is that you get to pick up the pieces over and over again. So it is in your best interests to start thinking about this now - and figuring out how to balance your need to do some special things together with his habit of being distracted. The best ADD-affected relationships are those in which the partners understand that "equal" means that each person contributes what he/she is strongest at, NOT that they split chores down the middle. They are also the relationships in which the non-ADD spouse doesn't fall into the trap of taking on things by default and resenting them. Plan ahead taking the unique strengths, weaknesses and needs that each of you has and thinking about them in advance. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because you are married, or just because the stakes are bigger (as in you are planning your WEDDING!!!) your fiance will suddenly be able to organize something. Sadly, it doesn't work that way.
Best of luck with your planning - feel happy and lucky that you have found someone you adore...and then take care to adequately nurture your relationship with the unique and wonderful person by not falling into the common traps of the ADD marriage!
Melissa Orlov
Love on a shifting carpet :-)
Thanks for your input Melissa, much appreciated. I know all people can't do the same things, or all do things in the same way, and we all have our strengths and weaknesses, and I love his strengths, and his weaknesses drive me crazy sometimes but not for long :-). And he is such a dear man, he doesn't seem to be fazed about any of my weaknesses at all!
Yes it sure would be great if he could hyperfocus where I want him to, when I want him to, but life's not like that.
We do always get fun things to do together, even when he is in his over loaded multi-tasking-achieveing-little mode. The thing is, he is generally too tired to enjoy them because he has been burning the candle at both ends and all the way down the centre, both ways, for weeks on end.
I fully understand that married life is going to be in this vein from time to time, and the wedding is the biggest thing we have organised together to date, so it's a good tester for just how things will be from here to eternity. And all will be well because our love is so strong, we get along so well, and we are both so grateful to have found each other, and we talk about problems and difficulties as necessary and without any defensiveness or argument. I don't know if this sort of stuff will irritate me more once we are married - we won't be living together. I decided early on that if we ever married I would not be able to live with him. Next door neighbours would be fine, or perhaps we will get a house we can split into two units, but it would be pure folly to try and mesh our two very different ways of domestic functioning.... really no point at all.
I hear what you say about not expecting to split things down the middle, and to not take on things and then become resentful. I am trying to learn how to get more balance there.
In a few days we will sit down again and make out another plan together, see where we are up to, and see what he wants to take on - but this time just one task. it's worth a try anyhow.
However the planning goes it will work out, and our love will shine, and hey, at the end of it we get to go on honeymoon away from all the daily stressors! I think we need to plan a honeymoon every month for the rest of our lives :-)
Stay happy :-)
I think one really important
I think one really important thing to remember is that ADHD medications only help with the ability to focus and get things done. They aren't going to magically make you desire to do what you don't really want or like to do. They aren't going to magically make things you genuinely find difficult suddenly easy.
I know with myself, I have extreme difficulties with cleaning and organizing my stuff. It takes a lot to get myself motivated, and once I start getting going, I tend to crash and burn because I often get to a point where I start tripping over items where I don't know where they best belong... and when I can't decide, I get frustrated and quit and decide to focus on something more rewarding.... and in the end, the task at hand never gets done. It's not that I'm getting distracted midway through, it's more that I'm missing some skills to be able to organize efficiently and affectively and I get frustrated.
There are a couple of things that helped me in this department.... One, the realization that not everything has to be done today. If I take baby steps and set a timer for 15 minutes, it will eventually get done. Two, if things are REALLY out of control, it helps to have someone else around to play the role of an advisor... I like to have a neutral party, like a friend, because my husband is also ADHD so, keeping me on task isn't a strength of his seeing as he often keep himself on task. I find having an extra person around because they often have wisdom and ideas on where to put things that don't have homes. I also have a bit of a packrat problem, and I've found that having a netrual party reminding me that it's okay, I can get rid of things just makes the process so much smoother.
I wonder if the issue is that your wife just doesn't find doing these sort of chores easy... and that's why she keeps putting them off. I wouldn't bring up ADHD as in being a factor in this... I think the way that I'd approach it with her is more along the lines of, "I've noticed you've been having trouble getting X done. I'm not mad or disappointed with you that it's not done, but I want to know if there's a reason why it hasn't been done, and if you're having difficulties with the task I want to work with you to make it easier."
Chores
Those were great suggestions listed in the previous comment but I'd also like to say that with me, (I am the ADHD spouse) what has worked in the past is some firm accountability. If my husband just did all the chores and the cooking I may feel a little guity but I'd probably just let him and that would end up causing a lot of frustration for him. Instead, he has been firm about his expectations of what I can realistically get done and I try very hard to meet those expectations.
Thank you.
Liz
Hey Liz - Quick Question
What works best for you? Do you have like a "job checklist" to keep track of your stuff ... does he help remind you? Accountability is a sticky question and I want to help her ... help us and make it a nice situation and not something negative. Thanks
Bob
Answering your Question
Bob,
He makes it even easier then that. He gives me a request for one particular thing, other than my usual things, each morning when he leaves for work. It might be could you please concentrate on cleaning the family room today. I do what it is I normally do but I try my best to get his request accomplished also. I have the motivation to remember because he is happy for me to get that thing done and is not complaining about the other rooms that I may not have got too. I know what you mean about accountability being a sticky word but I do need for my husband to be somewhat firm with me about his expectations or I spend too much time on the computer, or telephone because they are much more pleasant distractions than laundry or floor washing! Hope that answers your question.
Liz
I hear you!
Hi Bob,
I'm hearing you loud and clear.
I'm newly married to my undiagnosed ADD wife (but been together for 2+ years), and like you chores are a point of contention. And like you, I'm the one doing everything, and if I don't do it, it doesn't get done and I'm out in the doghouse too. I also understand your confusion and frustration when you come home from working 8hrs a day and she, who was home all day, has done very little to none of the chores.
Well I can say that things are improving in my household, although I still am, like you, afraid when the kids come along.
Here are some pointers:
Diagnosed one year ago at 40 Married for six years before
Help! My husband doesn't understand ADHD or seem to want to try. He thinks it is an excuse for me to lose my keys, interupt him, procrastinate ....etc
I am close to wanting out of this marriage because he causes me so much more stress and he can't be happy with such a messed up wife! How do I get him to understand or at least try. Where can he find REAL data to prove ADHD is an actual condition and not a dr making up excuses for people?
My husband is a Type A and very tidy and clean (did I mention he is in the military?). His expectations are unattainable for a normal person. He has done well for himself, by himself and expects the same of others. He is actually gone right now. I can go home and not totally stress that this or that isn't done. I do have 3 children and I work full time as well. I am to the point where I haven't gone to any counseling I was trying medication first, then going to look for a support group or something. Time has flown by and here it is a year later. I think my meds help and definately know a difference when I don't take them. I do believe they have stopped doing more, the full benefit is here. I do feel it wears off sooner and I am now trying to get my kids to rally around and help mommy out. Not much luck there. I have a 14, 6 and 3 year old at home so I am just busy on top of wanting to get things done and completed!
I don't feel hopeless, I am just alone. :( I fear my 14 yr old might have ADD or ADHD though a much milder case than me. I am calling our Dr tomorrow because this weekend I just had to leave the house she frustrates me. Not to mention when I actually do clean I give 100% and it takes either kid 2 seconds to undo my hour or more of hard work that I was so happy to have finished! My situation is not conducive to climbing out of my rut.
Although I will say... I have tried some tricks that seem to help in some areas. At work I write everything down. I very seldom forget appts anymore and I solved the problem of losing my keys by leaving them in my van in the garage. I too have catch all things in several rooms, if the kids would help it would work better. I also do not do much during the week because of work, cooking and baths. My husband will be home in 4 months, I just hope I can make it til then and find him good resources to not damage me anymore than he unintentionally already does. It has been almost eight years of the same. Now I at least understand why (being diagnosed) but he doesn't. I feel I am battling him and this condition both!
Thanks for reading. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Monica
For Monica
Hey Monica,
I too am in my fourties and just recently diagnosed. I also have 3 kids and a husband in the military. Maybe you could email him some good links to kind of gradually get him educated on ADHD. I sent my husband this blog and asked him to read just one specific topic and it's comments. When he was away I sent him info about once a week so as not to overload him. Another thing I tried was to photocopy pages out of a good informative book, like "Driven to distraction" and mail them. I think easing the nonADHD spouse into it works better than asking them or expecting them to understand it all. I don't have things the way I would like them to be but they have improved a little bit. My kids are also not very helpful around the house but that is also mostly my doing because I did not have the organizational skills to train them as they were growing up. I wish I knew all of this a long time before I did but there's nothing that I can do about that now. Hang in there. I think your "tricks" are great. Give yourself credit for what you have managed to overcome and remember also that it is very hard being married to someone in the military even without having ADHD. Good Luck!
Liz
Spinning up your husband
I'm the non-ADHD spouse and ... I honestly get frustrated with my wife (i'm working on it). She just doesn't do anything that I can see ... but we had a nice long fight over this a few days ago and ... she says she does do stuff and when I say she doesn't it hurts her feelings ... but I know she doesn't do the big stuff but ... apparently (according to her) she will spend 1-2 hours scrubbing a door ... or cleaning the doorknobs or ... whatever. I asked her very nicely to help her ignorant husband out ... tell me the cool stuff she does but she says thats not her and doesn't want to brag or have to be accountable. Its a fundamental disconnect for us that we are working on. I would say ... the key in my mind is to #1 - tell your husband and help him understand you have this thing that just makes it a bit harder to focus and then #2 - show him you are doing everything you can to make it work. Since we have been married she has not put away her stuff in the bathroom. I have tried and tried to ask her to find a home but she always says she can't. I told her she can move anything anywhere but it enver gets touched. So this weekend I emptied out a drawer (threw it all in a box) and ... right then adn there she put it away. So simple. If we can find simple things like this ... I help her overcome her "getting started" problem (co-efficient of static ADHD friction) then she can do the thigns that are hard for her and I can feel happy about the house.
We are a long long way off for getting this fixed (she still has 200 articles of clutter on her side of the room ... some that have not moved in months) but I really think as we learn each other (and as she shows me she's trying) it works more.
The biggest problem is ... not sharing with me what she does. I know sometimes you don't wanna have to do this but ... when I work 8-10 hours a day and everything "Looks" the same when I get home ... its hard to know whtas been done. I know I have to get better but ... if all the doorknobs have been cleaned, I don't know how to look for that.
Communicate and work hard ... and hopefully he will meet you 1/2 way.
spouse support
Dear Bob,
As you work on ideas with your ADHD wife, would please forward them along. I have been "doing the work for two" for 20 years now. Actually, it's more than the work of two because I have run into things that my husband has done that are wrong and it usually takes more take to correct them.
Examples: putting 'all vegetation kill' to trim lawn areas instead of 'grass kill.' Example 2: savings direction that the (paid off) car payment was to continue to go into. My plan was to have a minimum of $5,000 to put down on the next car. Now mind you, there is always a reason--and a fight--as to why I can't access our main bank account. So, my 2000 car needs to be replaced and he finally tells me, "Well, in my mind the money was still going into the bank." Well, in the real world, the money is GONE.
Because I believed I married a good person, I just kept on doing as much of everything that I could and sacrificed too many things that meant too much to me. --A career that he didn't think was right, a sailboat that I loved but decided to sell because arguing over it wasn’t worth a marriage. Safety really isn’t all that important anyways, is it. Just because you have 70-year-old people on board and the boom is whipping back and forth. I really didn't want to kill the relatives. The one time he went out alone with some buddies, he came back with the sail in shreds and the hardware pulled off the deck. Marine weather forecast? What's that?—actually, that was another argument. “Why do you always have to check the forecast before we go out? Let’s just go…”
Over the years I became certain that he was lazy and passive aggressive. I did his work, my work and worked full time until I couldn’t keep up and reduced my work days to three 9-hour days. Through all the fighting, he insisted he loved me and would do anything for me. We had already been to several counselors. They implied that I was too uptight, too tidy, too type A, and whatnot.
So I thought...and researched. I came to two ideas, one being ADHD. After several years he agreed, and I found a counselor, to set up testing. No big surprise he has ADHD--not the hyper active variety, --totally the inattentive type. How he has kept his job is beyond me, except that he works in a union.
He started taking meds three years ago, and counseling for himself 6 months ago. When he started his medications, he was amazed at the difference--but this didn't change his behavior. I expected it would take time for him to learn the skills that he missed learning during his lifetime. I’m not unrealistic, but it's been 3 1/2 years since treatment started and not much has changed even though he insists he is “trying harder.” Right now I'm depressed and exhausted. If you have any success in finding everyday things that help, would you please be so kind as to pass them along.
Wow, Driver gave some great
Wow, Driver gave some great suggestions. As a woman with ADHD myself who struggles with chores the part about removing the clutter is really important. My brain just shuts down when there's too much clutter and It's really challenging to get the chores done. Also it's very helpful if my husband starts some chores with me to get me going. For example if the sink is overflowing with dishes, it's too overwhelming for me most of the time. If my husband starts doing a few dishes and then asks me to do a few that's really helpful to me.
Also sometimes cutting the chores down into smaller chunks is helpful. For example "cleaning the kitchen" doesn't work for me. However something like clearing the counters or sweeping the floor usually does. I know it probably doesnt make much sense to a person with out ADHD but if somebody asked me the steps involved in cleaning the kitchen I could list them. When it comes to actually doing it I get quite overwhelmed and shut down. I just look at the messy kitchen and don't know where to start.
Tara McGillicuddy, SCAC
http://www.taramcgillicuddy.com
Chores ...
Thank you for the reply ... I appreciate the time/thoughts. Its encouraging that you are at 2+ years and still together ... not that i'm thinking of pulling the cord ... that is never an option in my mind (at least with this situation) so ... my fingers are always crossed and ... I just keep working on things I can do and hoping.
I like the pointers ... the garbage thing thankfully is not a problem ... its the clutter and the general "cleaning". We made the job-list and picked stuff ... but maybe i'll re-address and make sure she gets what she "wants' ... because it might not have gone that way. I am trying to think of a good way to have a "job tracking" type chart so we can both keep track of our areas with a checklist type system. I know i've heard this is helpful and ... I know she has mentioned that helps her. But .. I never thought about your other points ... I do have a tendency to step in sometimes ... so I need to practice not stepping in. Won't be easy but ... i'll do it.
I guess its just hard figuring out what she does all day. I know she can get engrossed in some of the smallest things ... but when I get home and try to "talk" about her day she just says she was busy doing stuff. But ... thats the end of that conversation.
Hopefully we can both keep working this ... did you know she had ADD when you got married or ... how did you discover this? Are you guys getting help?
Bob
Housework arguments
As an ADD working mother, it's hard to make time to clean throughout the week. Off and on, and more lately, me and my husband have been arguing over the same things. He says I'm not giving enough effort and it usually points to my clutter. Maybe I don't see it as much and to be honest, I don't care as much as him throughout the week. I usually wind up spending the whole Saturday cleaning and sometimes invite company over just to make myself clean. During the weekdays, I don't seem to have enough time or just don't think about it.
It's just so easy to lose track of t ime and get too tired, not to mention procrastination. I keep feeling like he would be better off with someone else, some other wife that can be good enough and keep a clean house. He says he wouldn't be here if he wanted someone else, but I just feel like I'm constantly being assessed or something.
We just celebrated our 9th anniversary and generally get along fine. It usually comes back to our messy house that causes us to fight. I've thought about hiring a housekeeper, but I'm not sure that would help with clutter. I'm going to try a checklist, but remembering it or just remembering to hang up my coat when i walk into the door isn't as easy as it is to someone without ADD. I'm not trying to make an excuse, but when I walk in the front door I get automatically intuned to what's going on and the only reason I can find my keys and purse usually the next day is because i leave them in my car. I guess I can see his frustration, but I don't agree with his oppinion that I don't try or don't care.
Unfortuntely when he starts to clean the same time and I start to help him, we start fighting about how it got that way in the first place. He'll point out every dish in the sink that I put there and that doesn't make me want to help him, but more likely throw it at him. It becomes a cycle, we fight about it and we both try to give more effort (him to be less anal and me to try to make him happy) then we go back and fight again......
I'll see if using this 15min per room/day checklist does any good. I'm not sure what else to try, he won't see a counselor with me and doesn't really care if it's ADD making it hard or not, since the outcome is the same. Any advice?
Does he do any housework?
Um, you work. I assume he works too. Why is the state of the house just your problem? (It's the 21st century now. If women work, men also do housework.)
Suggestion - if it's only your clutter (and not the chores), set aside a room just for your stuff, where it can be messy - you can just dump your coat in there. And then get him to work on the chores that stress him out the most - it's amazing what a sense of achievement you get.
I am the non-ADHD partner, and we are both messy. Apologies, but I'm beginning to wonder if I may have some ADHD, simply because I don't get motivated to keep a house clean, unless I live with someone who help :) It strikes me how many non-ADHD men are on here complaining about their wife's mess. So what? Who says the house has to be immaculate? :)
You know, the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. - The Doctor
Housework arguments: cleaning service
I can't begin tell you how great a cleaning service is! Oh, wait, that's what I'm doing. :P
It may not immediately help to address clutter, but:
- many cleaners offer a whole list of services, including organization
- even having an every-other-week visit helps, because you'll need to tidy
- pros are pros -- our charwoman shines this place like a white tornado in two hours, something that takes both of our distracty selves almost a whole day to do
- regular cleaning keeps the clutter / dirt to manageable levels
- time saved can be put to other organizing / repair projects or just fun
Look for a local / self-employed service on Craigslist or Angie's List; they're often better / cheaper / more ethical than some of the big chain services (cf. Barbara Ehrenrich's "Nickeled and Dimed").
Good luck!