Recent Topics

  • by: swelsh111 - 10 hours 38 min ago

    So yesterday I came home from a work trip, having been gone a week, only to discover that my husband had been texting with an old girlfriend.  These texts were what he calls "harmless flirtations" - but I call establishing a social media relationship with an old flame.  The texts went well beyond minor flirting and into a level of intimacy and of a sexual nature that are totally inappropriate.  He tells me he is sorry and is struggling with this because he is an "affirmation junky" and was really just reaching out to get this positive feedback (we have ben having ups and downs in our relationship over the years, but thought we were on an upward swing having recently begun to learn more about ADHD and how this has been impacting our relationship).  I don't knwo what to do - I feel like one of those women on the made for TV movies who are totally unaware of the level of deception in their relationship...

    We've had issues with trust in our relationship - and in fact I had discovered he was texting with this women a while back (these texts were relatively minor) and had a big blow out about how much this hurt me (this woman threatened to show up at our wedding 15 years ago and object) and asked him to stop all contact with her.  He said he would - but because we have trust issues, I didn't believe that he actually would, so I would look at his text messages.  This is how I discovered his latest email trail with her - apparently he forgot to delete it before I got home from my travels.  He says he is sorry but there is nothing for me to worry about (she lives on the other side of the country)...

    I'm so sad and confused...what do I do??

  • by: roseamongstthorns - 11 hours 30 min ago

    Everyone was so helpful here last time I asked a question so I thought I would post again. What is your experience with either the way you, or your partner who has ADHD deals with difficult subjects, or handles arguments? 

    I have noticed that when we start arguing, my partner completely shuts down. I don't often see it coming though I am beginning to notice the warning signs. It doesn't seem to matter what the argument is about or who starts it, once it becomes highly emotive (if I get upset, or raise my voice, for example, or if it is something he hasn't considered before), he just goes silent. I ask him if he is planning on talking, or if he has a response, and he usually says "I don't know." So we sit in silence while I try and give him some time, however if the thing we are discussing is important to me, I tend to push for a reply. Especially if the argument started because of something he said.

    it tends to escalate from there, with me increasingly getting upset and asking for a response, and him getting frustrated and unable to talk. It usually cumulates to the point where I feel he literally doesn't care and I ask if he wants me to leave/if there's any point in continuing etc. or he will walk out of the room and start doing something physical, like cleaning, saying he can't deal with it.

    As soon as I have calmed down, I try and talk to him calmly and he usually repeats that he can't deal with it. It tends to be at this point that I realise his ADHD related issues have kicked in. I tend to reach out to him physically, which stops him, and we usually embrace. He then gets upset and says how useless he is, and apologises a lot for how he can't effectively deal with the situation once it reaches that point. We then make up but tend not to revisit the source of the argument until a later date.

    Im just wondering if anyone else experiences this or had any advice? I am slowly learning to recognise his signs and sometimes I can derail it. But it's incredibly frustrating if the argument is caused by something he has said that upsets me (sometimes he doesn't even know why he has said something) because it feels as if I am having to set aside my upset to make allowances for his inability to deal with the situation once I become emotional. How do I handle that? I know I need to, because this isn't his fault, and I want to be as understanding as possible, but at the same time, both him and I believe he needs to try and learn how to deal with his side of things too. Help!

  • by: Mapper - 16 hours 36 min ago

    So last time I wrote anything on here was March 20 when I wrote that my husband decided to go in for alcohol treatment after not going to work for 3 weeks and not telling me why. So he had 2 weeks of treatment and came home and all seemed well. He was happy and he told me he was going to work on Monday. Well Monday turned into Tuesday and then Tuesday turned into Wednesday and once again the excuses as to why he couldn't go in happened. Finally that Friday he returned to work. He tells me that night when he gets home that they are saying he is unexcused for one of the weeks he was out. He said he told his manager and the manager agreed that he had talked to him about it but upper management wouldn't approve it and he could be fired. Well he thought all was taken care of and about 2 weeks later was approached again by HR about it and had to sign something that would then be reviewed and then he would either most likely be fired or have to go back to rehab to keep his job. This occurred on May 15. He came home at lunch that day because he was upset and then didn't return the rest of that week or the following week because he said that if he isn't there then they can't fire him and he needs to figure out what to do, which is total BS. IF they are going to fire him, they can do it whther he's there or not!

     

    Well Memorial Day weekend came and he said the following Monday he would return to work and if he had to go to rehab to keep his job he would. Well he is in a horrific crash at the racetrack that weekend and breaks his scapula and 7 ribs and has a punctured lung. Well now he can't go to work.He is off for nearly 2 months and has a doctors appt on July 17 and is told he can return to work that Monday. He tells me he's going in. Well that Monday morning on Facebook he messages me "I was up thinking quite a bit last night. I think I need to quit." Goes into all the reasons why (they may do something funny and fire him anyways when he returns without a rehab option and this way he's going out on his terms and can reapply there for another job). At this point I'm like "Whatever." He's going to do what he wants regardless. So he left his $38/hr job and is now unemployed. Even if he does get hired there again he'll start at $15/hr and once again have to work his way up the ladder, but I don't know why he even wants to work there because he hates it. So I am the only one working, I have been the only one paying bills since March and it will continue. We now have to switch over to my insurance which is going to take a whopping $500 out of my paycheck every month whereas for him it was only $80/month and had GREAT coverage. He had not done any looking for a job that I can tell and has become obsessed with building a pond in our backyard. He built a small one and then this weekend decided to expand it. He spends hours out there arranging and rearranging rocks and lights. He comes inside only to get antsy every15 minutes and go out and look at it and do stuff to it. He gets mad at me if I don't want to come out every 15 minutes and stare at it and have him tell me all about it. I am really fed up with it. It's great and I love it, but he is doing nothing else but obsessing about this pond.

  • by: Hopeful Heart - 18 hours 15 min ago

    My husband and son are currently receiving neurofeedback (NFB) treatments for their ADHD. We live in the boonies and couldn't find a professional NFB trainer within 300 miles so we rented a home machine for $800 a month. Some insurance providers will cover the cost. Renting is actually much cheaper when you consider how many treatments a family can do in one month as opposed to $80+ per treatment from a professional. 

    Results?

    After treatments I see a pretty dramatic change in my son's attitude. He focuses better, he is more cooperative, and he's willing to eat a larger variety of foods. However, the results are very short lived....only a few hours. But this is how I understand the treatments work. The results in the beginning are very brief. The results lasts longer and longer with each treatment until they finally run together and become permanent. He's had about 20 treatments so far and they've been kind of sporadic because he's spent a total of four weeks at camp this summer, off and on. I'm very hopeful, though. 

    My husband works such long hours and I have such little contact with him it's hard to see any results, if there are any. He also does his treatments at night, right before bed. So if there are short term results at this point, I think he's sleeping through them. I have had some conversations with him where he seemed more in tune with me. Once again, I'm very hopeful. 

    Im also trying to get them both to improve their diets and take supplements such as healthy oils for their brain. This is much easier said than done. But I think it can improve the potential benefits of the NFB treatments. 

     

  • by: JJamieson - 1 day 5 hours ago

    I'l bet that got your attention. lol  I've been dealing with this topic for well, most of my life since I was raised by one.  I have said enough of this subject before so there is no need to fo over the same ground here.  What I did think might be useful to many of the spouses who come here asking this question, I thought I would share something that has taken me a long time to figure out.  This came about after several, painful relationships with women (in this case) who had varying degrees of Narcissistic personality traits and one full blown ASPD/BPD who wins as far as my own personal experience ( no need to revisit this one either...scary OMFG!)

    So in my T office after this brief but very damaging encounter ( I tried to escape but that in itself became a night mare) my T posed this question to me and saying "well it's good that you can see this in other people now but more importantly....do you see why you became involved with these people in the first place."  That's the most important part and the hardest one to face since it only involves you.  You cannot blame anyone else for your choices  yet......God Damned Narcs can be so decievingly convincing sometimes.....especially the covert ones (and especially if they are smart)   Covert Narcs in my opinion are much more scary and potentially dangerous (or damaging) than your full blown over confident, arrogant entitled malignant Narcissist.  They don't scare me much and are pretty easy to spot...then again, this was the type that I grew up with and was use too.  This aspect does make it easier for you to forgive yourself at the very least.  Unless you are a self proclaimed masochist.....most people (including myself) don't seek this kind of thing out with that intention.  Eventually.....you do start to catch on however.....they can't keep the ruse up indefinitely.

    The point of bringing this up was from what I learned as the rest of the answer to my T's question.  I was groomed for being with a Narc by being raised by a Narc.  I am (without being very careful and aware) the perfect combination of personality traits and maladaptive default strategies left over from this kind of abuse that a Narc has their radar on alert to seek out.  I thought about this thinking " great.....I had a target pinned to my back and didn't even know."  This still pisses me off at times thinking about but.....it's something that I have learned over time to let go of and learn how to take the target off at the same time.

    So, if you are wondering about this yourself (ADHD or Narcissism?)....the first question should be.....am I a target or not?  Am I the perfect person for a Narcissist and someone that Narcissist would look for or want to be with. 

    If the answer is no....then it's probably just ADHD ( obliviously inconsiderate at times and naively self absorbed without realizing it half the time.....I resemble that statement but try very hard at this point and time not to be as much as possible....awareness is a big advantage in this process:)

    But if the answer is yes.......then you are narcissistic food in some way.  How do you know?  Read and learn as much as possible about his yourself and find out exactly what Narcissists need to be able to be in a relationship with you.  It's not a fun process I can attest to that but.....you will learn a lot about yourself if you can grin and bear your way through.

    I found a series on this subject on Youtube from an Aussie dude I really like.  He's a life coach (I think that's what he calls himself?)...anyway.....he has some good no nonsense videos that address this topic straight up and I linked one of the ones that I think is a good start to see if you qualify as Narcissistic food.

    here's the link  https://youtu.be/mPmv9_UYpxo

    In my thinking here.....even if you are this type of person it still doesn't mean your spouse is a Narc but.....if you aren't a person who would be a good fit for a Narc in the first place, at least it will be easier to eliminate the possibility that the problem you are having are related to more than mostly ADHD itself. 

     

    J

  • by: Anonymous (not verified) - 2 days 1 hour ago
  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 4 days 12 hours ago

    As I've mentioned before, my 60 year old H doesn't just have ADHD.   He has ADHD, OCD, maybe OCPD, likely Borderline PD, anxiety, depression and he's an alcoholic (semi-active).  He would also mismanage his meds a LOT until he finally gave them to me to manage....but a couple of times he has snuck into the meds and taken add'l ones.  No matter where I hide them, he finds them.  

     

    Over the last few months, he's done a lot better than he was doing the previous 10 years.  Drinking less, raging less, but still will have major tantrums when he has some frustrating situations.

     

    The current issue is this:   While no one can foresee and prevent all of life's hiccups, there are some that I know can be avoided.  One area is that H is NOT good at fixing things.  He either fails or it takes so long that it's not worth it.  And even where there is some success, usually it's not exactly right (not put back together right) or some other issue is wrong.   Many times he outright breaks things because he doesn't know what he's doing.  He's horrible at putting things together.   

     

    The fact that it takes his so long to fix things makes it all worse....just more days of him being upset.  For instance, I had a belt break on my dryer.  I wanted to call a repair person.  H insisted on fixing it.  I broke the first week in January 2014.  It was NOT fixed until APRIL!!!!   Something that would take a repair person 8 minutes to fix (I know the time because I once timed a repair person).   So, I was without a dryer for over 3 MONTHS.   And during that time, H would occasionally try to fix it, get extremely upset, rage at me, and then get drunk.  

     

    Two weeks ago, he decided to put in a new toilet.  It should have been an hour job max.   2 weeks later, toilet wasn't installed.  During that time, H would get upset, rage, and then have an excuse to drink.

    It's gotten to the point that I'm now BEGGING him not to try to fix anything that he doesnt' have extensive experience (which is really nothing....lol).   The problem is.... For the first 20 years or so, my dad used to fix everything for us.....and H would be sitting on the couch watching TV, even tho I kept begging him to work with my dad and LEARN how to fix things.   Since my dad became too ill and has since died, H has "tried" to fix things.  Often to no avail or to a worse situation.  I find it especially annoying because he had a "free" teacher for years and never bothered to avail himself.  My dad was a GREAT teacher, but the ADHD part of H (the now, not now) problem is that in real-time, dad was there, so H couldn't foresee a time when dad would no longer be available.

     

    If I try to talk H out of fixing things, he gets VERY angry, even if I put it in the most mildest terms.   He views any hesitation on my part as a "lack of trust."   It's a memoryless system.   H forgets the previous disasters.  I try to tell him it's not worth the stress.  We can afford to pay someone to fix these things.

  • by: Unsureandnervouse - 4 days 15 hours ago

    Hello. This is my first time posting though I have been reading for a while. I have been engaged to a diagnosed ADHD man for 18 months and we are just under two months from the wedding date. We have been together for a total of 6 years and have lived together for the last year.

    We had a fantastic relationship for the first 4.5 years or so. We had fun together, we talked about everything, we had similar interests but outside ones as well. I have a new job in a city about an hour and a half away from the areas we had lived before (separately), I bought a house in my name and he has been living with me. 

    Now the problems: In the past year, things have been BAD. He constantly critisizes me. Sometimes in a big long discussions where everything turns out to be my fault (really?). How I don't help him and and am not meeting his emotional needs. How I don't support him. How I keep changing my mind. How I complain to him about money and that is all I think about. How I don't want to have fun anymore and I just want to live like a 60 year old couple instead of mid twenties. I always end up crying, and then he says I am just trying to make him feel guilty.

    I am overwhelmed. This new house has many new responsibilities that I have never dealt with before. I ask for help, but he isn't listening. I would LOVE to have fun, but he is constantly running off with friends to go kayaking and the to do list just keeps piling up. He wants intimacy and conversation but I don't have any energy of sympathy for either right now. He was motivated to work before, but since I have a better job now he is staying home all the time, and being fine with calling off work. He hasn't contributed to any household bills or paid any rent in the year we have lived here and I am frequently paying his truck payment and cigarrettes as well. I have been neglectful of him. I get very caught up in the tasks that I complete each day (most of which are for him) but I forget that he himself actually needs my attention too. I enable this behavior in him I know and I am a poor communicator of my needs in the last year or two as I feel that he could blow up at any minute. (Have I mentioned the ADHD anger?).

    Here's the final thing that might be the nail in this coffin. He has a very close "friendship" with another one of his friends girlfriends. He lived with his friend for a couple months while we were closing on the house and he and this other woman got close. His friend lived with his girlfriend and their baby.They are very similar and share interests. He has admitted to me in the last month that he is attracted to her and she to him, but they have talked about it and decided they wanted to stay with their current SOs. Despite this, they are on Snapchat constantly, and call on the phone for hours (while away from me and her boyfriend. I have always read the phone bills religiously due to trumped up charges in the past). He has always been a night owl but now waits for me to go to bed and then calls her or she calls him at 11:30 or midnight for an hour(!) almost every night. He runs off to spend the night at his friends house every chance he can it seems like. His friend though, is working out of state right now, so it is my fiance, the girl and her baby alone. We hang out with his friend and the girlfriend almost EVERY weekend. Between them and family, we literally have not had a DAY alone for months. I have continually asked if we could do something just to two of us to start reconnecting. It is like I shot his dog. He would rather hang out with his friends (with me though too). Do I think he has PHYSICALLY cheated on me? No. Is this an EMOTIONAL affair though? Yes.

    I feel like I am failing. I have enabled this behavior and stopped treating him like a man, more like just another task. I have stopped trying to communicate with him ( with the exception of the past few weeks). I am NOT blameless. I have never been that interested in sex, but he always had a high drive. I try, but I am so exhausted emotionally and physically at the end of the day that even though we do have sex, I am not as enthusiastic as he feels I should be at the end of the day.

    I am seriously considering breaking this off or at least postponing the wedding. Please give any advise. Will this get better with conseling and conversation? Are emotional affairs commen for ADHD? I LOVE him. But I am unsure about spending my life with him anymore.

  • by: gflemin1 - 6 days 4 hours ago

    Please excuse any flubs. I'm typing on my cell phone.

    Where do I start...? Sigh. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. While courting, we both had our share of infidelity. But! Since we've been married...I know on my end, I've been faithful. However, I don't feel like things have been the same. ...like it was before the cheating. But! The romance, the spark is just gone. We don't have sex. Well, not often. We had sex this past Friday night. I did all the work, though. Before that, it was June 22nd. Before that, it was May 17th. Before that, March 19th... I do work a lot, but I just kinda feel like...people make time for the things they want. Right?And, I try. I just don't feel wanted though. I mean, I've been told that I was beautiful growing up and even currently. But! It's by everyone but my husband. I find myself damn near begging him for his time and affection. I don't even feel remotely attractive anymore. It's killing me. On top of that..., I'm constantly finding hotel room keys around house, in his car, in my car... But! It's always some excuse. Remember our anniversary last year? Or, my cousin stayed there and left the key. And, he's my husband, I'm supposed to believe him. So, I turn my cheek...just wanting to trust him. I've found jewelry receipts on top of the refrigerator...behind cereal boxes...it was for his cousin apparently. I wanted to expand our family as we both have a child from previous relationships. My stepson is 15, and my biological son is 8. First, he didn't want to start all over again with a baby. Then, he had to get his career in order. Next, I was told that I wasn't ready to be a mother again. That cut deep. So, it was nearing the time get my birth control replaced (Mirena; every 5 years), and I had difficulties with it going up into my uterus and getting embedded and causing issues. Well, without getting into detail, I had to have surgery. So, in thinking I  would be able to gain some type of leverage... He let me know that we needed to find a form of birth control to replace it...even though we barely have sex. I guess he just really doesn't want my baby. Idk. In the end...I got the Mirena replaced. This happened on May 5th of this year. Soon after...Mother's Day rolls around. He didn't even tell me happy Mother's Day. No gift. Nothing. This is the first year he's ever done this. But! His response was that I'm not his mother. And, it was my then 7 year old son's responsibility for orchestrating my dream Mother's Day. Wtf!!!! Eventually, he realized that maybe he was wrong. Then, he starts talking about maybe I could take the Mirena out and have a baby. Yet! A week before that...you didn't want my baby. I ignored his request and told him he was bogus for trying to use that to get back into my good grace. Idk what to do. I'm so sad. So lonely. Idk what to do

  • by: RebeccaLynne - 1 week 1 day ago

    Hi, everyone, my name is Rebecca and I believe my spouse may have ADD or ADHD.  After being married for five years (not a first marriage for either of us) I am completely at a loss to understand some of his behavior.  I feel like a tornado touches down sometimes with no warning at all.  I am exhausted and hope, by reading some of the information here, to learn some types of skills that I can use to cope with this situation.  I don't want to leave him but honestly, I can't see living another 20-30 years this way.

    Any advice is appreciated.  I am going to do some reading and see what I can learn.  Thank you for your support.

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