Recent Topics

  • by: cjhunton - 1 day 6 hours ago

    Wow. For 17 years, I have felt completely alone in dealing with my severely ADHD husband. I hate that so many of us go through this, but it feels like such a relief to know that I am not the only one on my team.

    As I said, my husband is severe ADHD. His doctor says that it is the most intense case she has ever treated. for years, I've described it the best way I can, which is, "it's like being married to Jekyll and Hyde". On one hand, when things are going his way, he is the most magnetic person on earth. Nobody can get enough of him. He's that way, consistently, at work, at the church where he is a youth pastor, and out in public. At home, we (me and our 3 kids) never know if we are going to encounter that guy, or the raging psycho who uses every single one of our insecurities to just callously lay us open to bleed to death. Every single attack leaves me reeling, and I can never quite tell where it's going to come from. He screams, he curses, he twists our words, and deflects blame of everything, he hits below the belt, and goes out of his way to not fight fair. It is slowly eroding the very being of who I, and our oldest daughter, are. she has (super) high functioning autism, and he has absolutely no patience or tolerance for her quirks. and me, I'm starting to feel like he just genuinely doesn't like me. Our youngest daughter, and our son, also have a severe ADHD diagnosis, and the three of them are all on meds. He has infinite patience for our son, and near infinite patience with our youngest daughter. Every bad decision they make, every choice, he attributes to their diagnosis, and does not hold them accountable for. which, he also does with himself, after he has come down from the height of a rage. 

    I see so much of what he does to our family, in all these posts I'm reading on here. But our main difference, is that he is only this way at home. Only this way, with us. He is the Golden Boy of his company- incredibly successful, and known and adored company-wide for his easy going, kind, magnetic personality. He is ridiculously beloved at church. every single one of our friends think that I am the luckiest woman in the world. He never loses control unless he is in the four walls of our home. He has lost control on my mother, and my grandmother. But nobody else in this world, except for me and my children, know what he's capable of. last night, after a particularly hurtful, degrading, heart-wrenching rage against me the night before, I asked him what would happen if he acted that way at work. And he told me that they would call the cops on him. So, it's mistreatment and abuse severe enough that someone would call the cops, but it's good enough for your wife and your children? If, on the way to church, one of us sets him off, he can rage at us in the car the entire way there, and then calmly get out of the car, and put his arm around our children, and kiss me on the forehead, and literally not show an ounce of indication of how maniacal he was 5 minutes prior. the therapist that I talked him into going to for a little while, before he raged at her and told her that she was twisting things to my side, called it "apparent competence". is this really a thing? Or does he just respect his job enough to try harder?

    Is this common? Can anybody else's spouse hold it together when they want? Because that truly makes it feel like he does have control over it, and I'm/we're just not worth the effort. I don't know what to do, or how to help him. Reading all these accounts, I see that it's a real thing. So, am I just destined for a life like I've been living? Walking on eggshells and pacifying him? Catering to his irrational behavior? I'm completely torn, because I am blindly, hopelessly in love with the man that he shows the rest of the world. The man that he showed me, when we were dating, and engaged. Though all the damage he has done to me over the years, has made me a little less enamored with his charm.

    Regardless, 18 years together and 3 beautiful children, is enough to make me want to make this work, if it can.

    Do I have any reason to hope that he can change the way he makes us feel in those moments, or do I just need to get out, finally?

  • by: domayne69 - 1 day 14 hours ago
    I really am at the end of the road and it's affecting my life. I am a non adhd partner and this is my first post and Indeed my first point if contact for help and advise. I have been with my partner for just 5 months. I am a gay man of 45 years. I have read through a lot of posts and threads and it has been useful to see the thoughts behind how a non adhd persons reactions can make situations a lot worse. In fact they are destructive. I am so frustrated and I am becoming terribly depressed. I feel like my relationship is a constant battle. And that my voice and how I feel isn't listened to or considered. I am beginning to understand why after reading through here. My partner, whom I love to bits, has adhd. From the off with him I have felt that the relationship is very one sided. Missing a lot of the things I take for granted. Such as contact during the day when I know he contacts others, friends and family. Yet he never feels the need to Contact me. Yet if I don't pick up a call from him, he panics and asks why I don't answer. He never shows outwardly that he loves me, I have to ask for a hug when he gets home and it used to be just an awkward pat on the back with no feeling. This is mirrored in Christmas and birthday cards, with typically from ......... as what he writes. He has no bearing of how his actions make me feel and I feel like I'm nagging him, because when I say something to try and make him see how it makes me feel it never sinks in. I know my reaction probably isn't helping. He will say sorry if a problem occurs, but the problem comes up time and time again, when I snap and say that sorry isn't changing the situation - he says that I have to give him time. He is constantly distracted, I try to talk and it can be the simplest distraction , such as fluff on the carpet that breaks his concentration. ...... again this is constant. He can cause the worst argument and then walk around the apartment singing and whistling away, almost carefree. He also lies constantly, not even good lies, and when he's talking to anyone he makes the version of events bigger and grander than they actually are. This is causing trust issues as I don't know whether I am hearing the truth or not. And when I do question him about things he's said, the excuses and further lies are not consistent. I must admit reading through this website has given me a great deal of understanding to maybe why things are as they are and they have certainly helped me understand that my reactions are making this worse. Please can someone advise me how to improve the situation, how I can help my own sanity and have a happier life with the man I love to bits.
  • by: Hysterical37 - 2 days 10 hours ago

    This is probably just going to be a rant, but I hate facebook for what it has done to our relationship, though if it wasn't facebook it would probably be something else.

    I'm sick of being ignored while he sits on facebook chatting to other people. I'm sick of the lack of intimacy and sex, what kind of a relationship is that. It is worse that having a cardboard cut out because at least that cannot hurt you by chatting to other people including other women online. It's never him, it's always me and me having a go at him, he is always the victim he is not responsible for anything he does.......I'm just sick to death of the lot of it.

  • by: OverwhelmedWife - 2 days 14 hours ago

    2 years ago, h got into a physical fight with our adult-aged child.  H started the fight, and started the physical aspect.  H is nearly entirely at fault.   H ended up with a black eye.

     

    I was the only witness.   over the last two years, H has "changed " the story painting himself as a total victim..   He has not seen or spoken to our son since.   One therapist did tell him that "as the father", he is more responsible since he should taken steps to prevent.   

     

    H's current T is telling him to write a letter to our son.  H has written two letters, but both have been deemed unacceptable to his T.   H has been vague as to what her complaints have been, but I suspect that it's because a T knows that it is likely HIS fault that the fight happened, and that H's letter has not been mature (taking responsibility)

     

    Anyway.....all of this letter writing business is making H relive the incident and he blames me .   Now, every couple of days, he has been blowing up over minor things, and then yelling at me over the incident with our son.

     

    I don't know what to do?

  • by: Whoknows - 3 days 4 hours ago

    The opportunity was given to my husband for an all expenses paid trip out of the country for our family of four (a gift from his parents). Speaking with him about the trip was as follows: (I promise this is not an exaggeration, I know it sounds ridiculous)

     Tuesday: him: do you want to go?  Me: yes   Him: I don't want to go with my family so I don't want to go...

    Wednesday: him: do you want to go?  Me: yes   Him: I don't want to but you can go okay ask my parents..

    Thursday: Him: do you want to go?  Me: yeah   Him: I told you I don't want to go with my family.  Me: okay it's your family so it's your call.

    Friday: Him: so you want to go? Me: yeah - I would love to, we could all have a great time.  Him: ok call and talk to my parents   Me:they don't even like me, the invitation was given to you. Him: I don't want to go.

    Saturday: Him: so do you want to go? Me: why do you keep asking me - you know I want to go, but you don't so what is the purpose of this. HiM: oh I won't ask anymore, I thought you said you didn't want to go. Me: I never said that, why do you keep asking me if you know you don't want to go. Him: I don't want to talk about it anymore. Me: you're the one who keeps bringing it up, so let's talk about it. Him: this is our problem when you don't want to talk about something we don't but when I don't you keep on...

    I am sure you can guess what followed.. I was ignored, made to think I was overreacting for my final response to his questioning. He drank all night, came to bed at 0300, then pretended the next day as if nothing happened.  Does this make sense to anyone! Ugh I could have just screamed at the top of my lungs!!!  Just another typical week in the life.

  • by: Jdewinter - 3 days 6 hours ago

     

    I Now  look in the mirror and what do I see, but a 46 year old man who has ADHD
    Looking back at things now it all makes sense
    As a kid I wasn't slow, stupid or dense 
    School was something that really didn’t make sense all it did was make me tense .
    Sitting in Class Listening I was bored Art & gym  only classes I  really adored 
    I was charismatic and charming and had tons of friends
    I was crazy and funny never sat still my Mom always said I had to chill 
    I just coped with these problems Inside of me because No one ever heard of ADHD 

    Sports was my thing, a Bat I could swing Baseball was my gift I played with ease even back then with ADHD .

    As a young Teen Nothing I feared just needed my buddy’s and a cold case of beer  
    I  did insane things that made mom wonder who is this boy so full of thunder 
    I realize now that it was me just coping with is ADHD
    Just trying to find A new  Thrill  I didn’t know of treatments and a little pill   
    But through all the  years & dumb things I’ve  done there is 1 regret I wish was undone 
    I was blind to fact that I had my whole life that 1 regret was Hurting my wife 
    I am 46 now  with 4 kids of my own and without Casey I feel so all alone  
    It took me seven plus years of not being aware but in my head I really did care  .
    I have the problem it is in me I was not wired correct I’m so sorry Casey 

    The fact that it destroyed my family & Me All I  can blame is this damn ADHD
    Now that I know I am  relieved the only thing I wish that  my family won’t leave 

    What I have learned in a short little time is all worth it for the Children of mine                                                  

    My kids need their Dad to give them a good life even if I don’t have my wife

    I promise to do the best that I can because I have always wanted to be this kind of man.

    The past is just that it won’t be relived after 46 years I have received a gift

    When you know it’s not only you many others have it and the same issues too 

    The Trust & respect that has been lost will push me to learn no matter the cost

    I sit in my chair reading hour after hour because what I am learning Knowledge is power

    Some good with the bad has come to be but I will always be a man with  ADHD

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 3 days 6 hours ago

    Signing separation papers. January 28, 2015.  I cannot move out, as our financial situation is not in a place where that would work out. If he moved out, I would be stuck in the "physical mess" of my spouses hoarding, and all his business materials are here. I am listening to God. God will not, and has not given me the the word that I can get divorced.

    And not because I promised in my vows, nor will be the martyr of believing God made this mess, so he must want me in it. I clearly believe God is chasing after my spouse.

    What I believe in my whole heart of hearts is that he has some really awful behaviors weighing him down. They may have served a purpose at one time - self defensive mechanisms - but now they are weighing him to the bottom of the ocean, where he cannot work on our marriage, because he is drowning  in his pain. Gasping for breath surely makes it hard to do ANYTHING but survive. 

     He will have to decide if he wants to get off his pity pot of Woe is Me, and do the hard work to get free of it. I KNOW this road so well. My eating disorders served a purpose for a long, long time. I had to fight to get their grip off me, as they no longer served a purpose, but rather had me trapped. My spouse can do the same thing.

    His ADHD just  - well  it is.  Cannot be cured from it.  Does not need to be fixed.  He has developed many many defensive mechanism in all the years - over 50 of them -  surviving his ADHD without diagnosis.  Many of those are destructive to him.  And in that, they are not good for our marriage.   He needs to let them go, and learn better skills.  

    The problem I fight with is it appears he cannot, or will not.  I only know the end result, which is he doesn't. And I cannot make him, or convince him, or do it for him.

    We all need to separate who we are - from what we do.  Who he is has always been a handsome 6' 4" blonde haired blue eyed hunk of man. What he is doing - - -well it is drowning him in anger. I just can no longer take that anger. 

    I will hope someday he will choose to ask how he can break free from all that baggage - rather than focus on, "I am so sad.  Liz wants to leave."  

     

    Liz

  • by: kotf - 3 days 21 hours ago

    First of all, thank you to all the contributors to this site and forum.  It has helped me so much to read and relate - although I haven't written until now, I've been reading for quite awhile, and it's really really helped me understand things... 

    1 trait of my now ex has always felt like a part of his ADHD to me, but I'm not sure that I've heard anyone really mention it on the site, at least not too much, or in the same way. I'm wondering if anyone can relate, or, if maybe this is just him and not his ADHD.  Anyway - I just never felt loved... Maybe in the beginning, but even then I remember talking to my friends about how it was weird that he never asked ME questions. We'd talk and talk but he didn't really seem interested in getting to know me in the way someone usually does when they fall in love with you.  I just didn't feel loved. In so many ways. And, I don't think many people would have. He just wasn't even one bit effusive with his feelings - ever. Never connected with me in the way I usually have with partners. In a way he is so present in every moment - but kind of not with me somehow. It's hard to explain. He rarely ever complimented me. Just didn't say nice things. I don't know. I feel funny even writing this because maybe it sounds like it was just him (or us), and not the ADHD... But, it so felt like part of it to me when we were together. Part of how distracted he always is - how he always needs to run and run and do a million things. Disorganized, so he doesn't remember what I or we are doing or planned to do. Just such a mess with everything in his life, schedules, the physical house, always so tired because he can't sleep.... His lack of ability to connect with me in a normal way and make me feel loved feels like a part of all this to me - but, I'm not sure.  I'm sorry if I went on and on with my question or was unclear. Hard to explain and talk about.  Thank you again for all the support you've already offered me through this site and your contributions.  

  • by: Rosered - 4 days 4 hours ago

    My husband, who has ADHD and other issues, lives with and is caregiver for his parents.  He has been doing so most of the time since September 2011.  The arrangement was supposed to be temporary; he said he would look for a permanent, good-paying job while at his parents' home.  He never has.  (I think he agreed to the arrangement so that he'd have a socially admirable reason for not looking for work and for being away from me.)  During most of this time, even though our relationship was and continues to be rocky, I've tried to offer my husband moral support as far as the caregiving goes.  His dad is a hard guy to live with and get along with; his mother has dementia and her condition has worsened.  I understand much about the physical and psychological difficulties of the situation.  My husband barely talks to his siblings, not because they don't like each other (they do like each other) but because he and his family sweep a lot under the rug.  I have felt an obligation to provide moral support despite our marriage falling apart and despite the fact that the caregiving job has contributed to the destruction of our marriage.

    Last week, one of my husband's brothers visited him and their parents from out of state.  He did so, in large part, because I sent him an email commenting on how difficult the situation has become.  I thought my husband would appreciate having another family member there for a little while.

    This weekend, after the brother's return to his home, I was curious to find out his impressions of the situation.  I communicated with my sister-in-law.  Among the things she told me is that she and her husband (the brother) have the impression that my husband wants to spend time with me but doesn't because he is unwelcome in our home.  They have this impression because my husband said this to his brother.  This statement is partly false, partly distortion, and partly incomplete.  I'm very upset.  My sister-in-law and brother-in-law are the only members of my husband's family who have taken the time to communicate with me in the past few years, and now I feel as though my husband has purposely tried to turn them against me, by misrepresenting to them the reasons for him not being here.  Yes, we have marital problems.  No, I'm not the person who encouraged my husband to bury himself in this job.  Yes, I'm the person who has tried very hard to get him to come see our daughters when they're home.  Yes, I'm the person who initiates communication with my husband; he never calls and never emails when he is at his parents' home (24/7, 350 days per year).  

    I feel ashamed, humiliated, and sick.  Any tips for making myself feel better?  

  • by: Nvrslps - 4 days 19 hours ago

    I'm new to the forum but recognize shades of my domestic partner in all of your postings. He has the inattentive form of ADHD - the kind where he is completely uncommunicative. Like everyone else the relationship started out amazing - he was sweet, kind , thoughtful, I was fooled into thinking he was the kind of man I could marry. Of course, the second we moved in together he became a completely different person. He never even told me he has ADHD until I figured it out and confronted him. Even then he refuses to discuss it. He is a healthcare provider  but refuses to treat his condition with anything other than supplements.

    My relationship is incredibly lonely in that ADHD is such an odd condition that my friends don't believe it's a "real" thing and I am just pathetically making excuses for him. I have read everything I could to try to understand that he has a kind of disability - to feel compassion for him. But He refuses to have any conversations with me about anything negative and will just leave the room and turn up the TV to drown out my crying.

    He does all of the things that truly make me wonder if he's just simply a selfish, lazy, liar. Like many in the forum he has been caught many times online pursuing other women to the point I don't even look and wonder anymore, I just assume it's on-going, He lies constantly to avoid conflict or to avoid taking responsibility for his actions. I can't even get a straight answer out of him if he's paid the cable bill!nhe treats other people just as badly and doesn't seem to have any moral compass when it comes to the "right thing to do"

    I receive little to no affection -he won't hold my hand of Kiss me on the mouth. He will dismiss my feelings or concerns. It's a lot like living with a resentful teenager where everything is a chore, annoyance or imposition on him.

    There are positive things about him and ways that he enriches my life. But mostly I feel lonely and dismissed at best - angry, exhausted and resentful at worst.

    it is gratifying to know that I'm not the only person who is going through this - but honestly why does anyone stay in these relationships?! 

    I question myself every day and feel a deep shame.

     

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