Recent Topics

  • by: LyraHeartstrings - 19 hours 39 min ago

    This is something I've heard over and over in our almost 8 years of marriage, how he says everything is ALWAYS his fault and he's ALWAYS getting blamed for things that aren't his fault. Now very clearly I have pointed out many times where he was the person responsible but he refuses to accept it. 

    Do your ADHD'ers say this? He's like a massive martyr and doesn't see anyone else's suffering ever.

  • by: LyraHeartstrings - 19 hours 41 min ago

    It has been so long, I forget what it feels like to have someone care about me. I have been married almost 8 years and have been thinking about how in those 8 years I think we have French kissed twice, how awful sex has been because he's incredibly awkward and critical, how I haven't wanted to even touch him in years because he does not shower or shave regularly (which I'm blamed for, of course). His fingernails are longer than mine. He is the laziest person I know, eats crap day in and out, makes a bunch of pasta for himself and doesn't want to share it with me or our child. He doesn't call or text or email me to say anything nice, he never compliments me, he's not on Facebook so there's nothing between us there. He ignores me when I talk to him. He forgets so many things, leaves me to do all the bills. He doesn't work. He plays video games, wanders ahead of me when we're out, walks away constantly, gets what he needs and that's it. He is not interested in our child, either. He doesn't help with her English/reading or math, he just isn't interested in her as a person. He spends the day telling her to go away or be quiet. She can't shout or run etc. without being yelled at. He has no tolerance for anyone doing anything. He doesn't want her doing anything "messy" because God forbid he has to clean something. His mantras are "I can't/I won't/I don't wanna". 

    I am truly just his mom. That's all I am. He is now letting me support him, feed him, pay for him. His dad and mom had good money and let him get away with not working til he was in his 30's. Then he went to film school and that's the time when we were "dating". He was living apart from them and things seemed to be OK. 

    But he's just been all about himself our whole relationship. Even in sex, he is the most boring lover. I've had GOOD sex and know the difference. He was also very into porn which he doesn't use anymore but I mean I think it wrecked him as well. He doesn't know how to relate to another human being.

    But things like he doesn't brush his teeth and his breath and body stinks, he lets his beard grow like crazy and looks like a freaking mountain man. 

    He doesn't care how I feel about anything. When I have a feeling or I'm sad he says he cares and wishes he could help me but you know how it is, he just can't and doesn't blame himself, either. Doesn't try or anything, just says oh well I can't so there you go. His parents also pretty much took over our lives when we went to live in Canada. I can't get into it, but his dad just stopped giving him his "courtesy" paycheck since he sold his business and now I am barely scraping by enough to support us and I work 7 days a week at two jobs.

    In the meantime he reads The Walking Dead comics, reads books, plays solitaire, reads Yahoo and Wikipedia, and writes crap for a wiki he made up. I am enraged by his lack of care for me and his child. Looking for apartments, he can't even do that. He says his searches are all bad and he gets no results. He can't look up anything, he doesn't do his own taxes, he is incapable of being an adult in any way.

    I am tired of being a mother to a 43 yr old man. I'd like to have a real husband. 

  • by: Xoliswthrtox - 3 days 5 hours ago

    I am with my husband 8 years, married 2, and he "claims" to have adhd, but was never formally diagnosed...we already see a therapist, although most recently ive been asked not to bring certain things up so im not sure even what we are accomplishing...my husband has a hx of drug abuse and has been taking adderall for many many years...but not as prescribed... He'll fill his 30 day supply and it will be gone in 4 days...for a while i started taking his script and not allow him to fill it... But now he's of course manipulated me to feel like he's entitled to it... Telling me that without it he has no sex drive, doesnt want to be with me physically... Tells me he's the best i'll ever have so i should be thankful for the adderall, etc. Granted, in other respects he's great with cleaning, cooking, etc, but he even just recently quit his job and if it wasnt for me sending out his resume, he'd have no prospects...and even callbacks he takes days to answer sometimes...but meanwhile says he'd never be without a job...

     

    he also recently does not get along with my parents which puts a very stressful strain on me... My dad is not a super easy person by any means to get along with, but even after a huge blowout with my dad and putting him in his spot, my husband still goes on late night rants and raves picking apart even the most simple of statements that seem very benign to me, but that he constantly finds as somehow insulting to him... He is short tempered, barely sleeps and when he does its restless... He either is always tired and depressed, cant be bothered, or awake hypersexual and i cant keep up... Ive even been told when i initiate sex it doesnt count if he wasnt in the mood... In other words when hes high and hypersexual, thats the only sex he wants... And its like 2 hrs of me pleasuring him to the point of exhaustion, watching endless porn clips, etc. Its not fun anymore...i even caught him parousing craigslist ads to fulfill his sexual fantasies when i couldnt keep up...

    in one breath he loves me, i make him a better person, cant imagine life without me, how lucky he is....and in the next breath im this terrible person who doesnt fulfill him sexually, cant stand my parents, am unattractive and no one wil have me besides him, that he could have whoever he wants, breaking stuff around the house during his raving, etc...

    im really starting to see and feel like this wasnt the man i fell in love with... I do feel like i am falling out of love with him if i really havent already... I question everyday if it would be easier alone...we dont have kids...as much as i hated being single, being married to someone who doesnt make you happy is not so great either...i do still care for him, but at what point is enough enough...

  • by: Jenred813 - 4 days 1 hour ago

    This is huge... After almost 6 years, 2 of marriage, I have finally decided in my heart that I need to leave. I'm leaning towards legal separation for now.. See if he changes MAYBE we will reconnect, but who knows. Anyways I am in a predicament. He knows I have wanted to leave for a while. But then I changed my mind and we went to counseling and I've stayed, now I have made my decision to be thoroughly done, though I won't be able to physically leave him until 6 months from now, until I finish my accounting degree.. Do I tell him my feelings now and then it might be wierd between us for the next 6 months, or pretend everything is ok until I'm done with school and can move away? 

     

    Also as I sit and type this I am thinking about me telling him I'm going to leave, and I kind of feel sorry and bad for him.... WHY???!!! Ugh the manipulator that he is will make me feel like a horrible person for leaving.... Please tell me it's ok to leave, I've been through enough and I can't take it anymore!!

  • by: Vivien - 4 days 18 hours ago

    I am looking for a counselor or other provider in the Columbus, Ohio area for my husband.  He said he won't go to a marriage counselor until we find one that specializes in Adult ADHD.  Anyone know of any, or how I can find a good one?

     

    thanks!

  • by: hermione - 4 days 18 hours ago

    Hi,

    I'm afraid this is a moan!! I've had a bloody awful couple of weeks. My partner recently had to come off his ADHD meds as he was experiencing side-effects and since then he has been depressed and paranoid. He thinks everyone is out to get him, me included. We keep on having massive screaming rows. Apparently everything is my fault as I am angry at him. He never stops to think that I am angry at him FOR A REASON. Like, he never listens to me. Or validates anything I say. Or takes me seriously. Or supports me. Or wants to spend time with me. Or contributes ANYTHING towards rent or bills. 

    I have stuck this out through 5 years of drama (his alcoholism, ADHD diagnosis, depression, kid in another country, unemployment, irresponsible driving, threats of violence, you name it). I kept on thinking things would get better, once he sobered up, once he dealt with his ADHD diagnosis etc etc etc etc. However although he is now dry and has a new career, nothing is better between us. I am basically beating on a dead horse. Have been for years. I am just SICK to the very core of my being of never being listened to or having any attention paid to me at all. 

    After he got his ADHD diagnosis a couple of years ago, I realised it was a massive deal and that he might need time to come to terms with it,so I gave him time. He went to see an ADHD coach on his own, and with me. Seemed like really helpful couples therapy at the time, but since we stopped going, he has stopped doing everything that the therapist advised. Like literally, he is not doing even one single thing that we agreed on during counselling. I've tried fixing things by myself but it is an impossible task.

    I've been going to Codependents Anonymous which has helped me start trying to detach, set boundaries etc. But good grief, I am struggling just to make it through the day at the moment. I wish I had the resolve and mental clarity to know that leaving him is the right thing to do but I don't. In fact whilst on the one hand we are constantly arguing, on the other hand we are buying a house and trying for a baby together (unsuccessfully it has to be said). I feel like I am losing the plot. He is constantly gaslighting me. And bulldozing me. My behaviour is pretty crap too in fairness but I am aware of it and am trying to do something about it. He has no awareness of his own lousy behaviour. In fact, absolutely zilch has changed in his world view over the last five years of the relationship. Five years ago, he was saying that the problem in the relationship is that I am always "attacking him" and need to shut up. Five years on, exactly the same thing!!! I am at a loss what the hell to do. Just make it through the next 5 minutes I guess.

    Sorry to vent. Hopefully tomorrow morning everything will be slightly less horrendous. Best wishes to all of you out there wading through the same quagmire of excrement. Solidarity, eh?

     

     

  • by: Bach - 5 days 4 hours ago
    As the topic states, I'm at a loss as to what I can do to save my marriage. We have been together for five years, and I am the one with adhd. For a couple of years now, my wife has been very unhappy in our relationship. I admit my conduct during this period was not acceptable. I got fired from my job and just stayed home, not taking care of anything and not looking for a job. That's when the real trouble started. She now feels that she is like my mother and not my wife. She's tired of having to handle all the important aspects of our life, and she has been unbelievably stressed. Lately she has been telling me that she is over our relationship and she doesn't want to be married anymore. I've certainly been doing better than a year ago, but I'm far from perfect. I love her more than anyone, but she doesn't believe me at all. I'm trying to manage my problems but my medication isn't working anymore and I don't have insurance to get it adjusted. I'm trying to be better at doing things and being proactive, but forgetfulness and simple common sense things are still a big part of why she is so frustrated. Due to recent stresses and feelings of worthlessness, I recently attempted suicide and was admitted to a psych hospital. She tells me all the time that thousands of people live with and manage adhd, so I'm just being lazy and won't try. She doesn't want to work with me at all. She says its my problem so I have to fix it, She shouldn't have to exert any more effort. I don't know what more I can do. What can I do to make my situation better?
  • by: notgonnalosemyself - 5 days 5 hours ago

    I have changed a lot since 2013. 2013 was my breaking point after being married since 1990 (I was 17)  to someone that clearly has lots of issues. One of the most powerful things I have read on this forum came from OverwhelmedWife on Tue, 06/23/2015:

    As I've said many, many, many times.  The most awful behaviors by people with ADHD are likely because they don't  ONLY have ADHD.  I think ADHD is really often just a symptom of something more serious.  I guess that there are some people with "just ADHD," but those aren't the ones we typically hear about here on this forum.  I think we often hear about those with the most severe ADHD symptoms....which have been exacerbated by a more serious mental issue.. 

    I TRULY believe this since my husband displays a lot of other symptoms but whatever it is, it almost ruined me. He will never know the extent, I can never tell him, and he would blame himself and me anyway, so what is the point?

    For many years I pitied my life and wondered what my life could have been. The road not taken. I think I was in love, but as time went on, I could see my life without him and I knew I would be at peace if he was gone. In 2015, after years of accumulating feelings of dread, despondency, pitying myself, wishing I could die, anxiety, I decided to leave. I was not doing it to hurt him, I always wanted to leave but never believed in that nor did I have the guts. I was doing it to escape after that one last explosive tantrum that sent me into a brick wall of realization that after 25 years, he would not change for me. I left thinking he would send me flowers the next day and beg for me to return. No, he didn't. Instead he got upset and said I abandoned him, like everyone else. I came back after 3 weeks and his  one session at a therapist, which diagnosed him with ADHD. I thought for sure things would get better now that I made that big move. The only thing it proved was that I was strong enough to love me for once and save myself. However, he has told others that I acted out of ignorance and that I would never apologize to him. He is right, I won't apologize for doing something for me, since he wasn't going to get help after all my tears and pleas. 

    He says he is not rude, arrogant, unloving, it's just his ADHD. Well that is like saying that I am not overweight, it's just my Thyroid. He does come off with those qualities and he can blame whatever he wants, people still see him as rude, arrogant, grumpy, and unloving. 

    So here is where validation comes in. I went to see my doctor and the Nurse Assistant told me the husband was there last week seeing the doctor and he intimidated and scared the new girl who took his vitals. My husband walks around like the Terminator and looks very serious at times, but then at home he can be a teddy bear. Why? Ugh! Anyway, he then argued with the doctor which could be heard outside the office, since he feels he can diagnose himself and thinks doctors just want to rob people and not help them. The doctor finally said, "Either you do it or you don't" not sure if it was about ADHD or Diabetes. But when the nurse said that to me I felt relief. Yes, his behavior is NOT in my head and friends, family and strangers now see what I have dealt with all these years. He has left a bad taste in many people's mouths even though they still love him, they see. 

    I am starting to pull away emotionally, lower my expectations and observe. All those years I cried and told him I felt unloved because he didn't text me or call during the day and he didn't adjust his schedule for little old me. I could have saved myself energy, time, arguments and tears. I have stopped caring about that mushy stuff just to protect my romantic heart. It still hurts since I want that stuff but it won't happen. He came home the other day at 9PM and after 13 hrs of not hearing a word from him, he hugged me and said he missed me. That must be enough for him, I can't say he is a liar just because I demonstrate when I miss someone and he doesn't. It has left me with a void in my heart. I guess this is how he loves and its obvious that after 25 yrs of knowing me, he can't or won't love me the way I want to be loved. 

    It is time for me to break the chains even while staying married. For so long, I kept myself captive hoping I could love him to the point that he changed for me. Now I know that is not possible. If my pain can't make him see that I left because I broke, and he can accuse and ever be vindictive now to try to make me pay, why should I ever think he will see my journey in all of this? 

    I am grateful for all the years since it taught me so many lessons. I am even grateful for 2013, the hardest year of my life, when I became someone I never thought I could be due to pain. I feel validated, I feel supported but I know that I am only human and I will not apologize for doing the right thing. I wish so many things for him, he has so much potential. Intelligent, charming, etc. But his demons are not mine. 

    My journey begins..."people can be independent thinkers and team players at the same time.” - Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

  • by: BKLady2015 - 5 days 13 hours ago

    Hi all,

    I'm new here. Up late tonight very frustrated. Could really use some sympathy or insight as to how to cope...

    Right now, I am dealing with a LOT of stress. It's so bad that I am witnessing physical effects happening as a result. DH is well aware of this. And I keep telling him about how overwhelmed I've been feeling, especially lately. And yet, he still insists on asking me to do all kinds of "simple" additional tasks throughout the day and then gets mad at me when I don't want to do them (or *gasp* I forget to do them). This REALLY infuriates me! 

    First - there are SO many times when I ask him to do something and he either takes forever to do it or doesn't do it AT ALL! So I am really peeved when he gets all riled up at me for not doing something, but when HE doesn't do something, I'm supposed to let it slide or just "understand." Of course I do try to understand his daily struggles, but I sure as heck would appreciate some dang reciprocity! 

    Second - he has NO idea how many "simple" requests he actually makes of me throughout the day. "Can you get my under clothes for the day?" "Can you go find my MetroCard?" "Can you call Verizon to check on service stuff?" "Can you go to the post office to maybe pick up my package for me?" "Can you go get me XYZ snack from the fridge?" "Can you go find my flashlight?" (those are just some requests from today, btw.) To him, these just seem like "easy" things that can be done in a matter of seconds or minutes. And yes, that's indeed true for most of them. And under normal circumstances, I might not have such an issue. But when I am stressed and/or overwhelmed, it just feels like one more darn thing I have to add to an already overflowing "to do" list. And if it's such a "simple" task, why the heck doesn't he just do it himself? Why not give me a break and not add to my list?

    When I say no, and point out that I have too many things on my "to do" list, he has the nerve to say, "Oh, but that's not an extra thing. It's not an extra to do." OH REALLY!?!?! So having to sit for god knows how long on the phone with a customer service rep isn't an extra "to do"? 

    I've tried so many times to explain this to him. That it's not about the "task" itself, but about needing to not feel like I'm being "piled" on. He just does NOT get it! His usual response is, "Well FINE. I just won't ask you for ANYTHING!" Because, yeah...that will actually happen...*rolls eyes*

    Does anyone else experience this? Any tips for how to cope? Any success in getting your DH to understand? 

  • by: highestgood - 5 days 16 hours ago

    Okay, starting over. Changing my post. Husband has ADHD and mood disorder issues. I have a history of mood disorder issues but no symptoms for years beyond normal responses to my environment. My symptoms were the result of living in a difficult home environment and with time away from that and focusing on healthy living the symptoms have gone away, but my reactions to some things can still be difficult. 

    We have been married less than three years.

    I want to rely on him and I'm pissed that I can't.

    Husband was supposed to take care of the rent. We usually automate this to avoid these problems, but this month there was an issue. He told me in a text he'd take care of it after therapy, comes home at bedtime saying he stopped somewhere to get the money order after visiting with friends, and they didn't have money orders, so he just came home. We are late on the rent, which I hate. And he didn't even try to go anywhere else. Nor did he call and tell me he didn't find a place that was open to see what I recommended or wanted. Nor did he keep his word that he would do this after therapy. He waited until he had play time. (But apparently also forgot that he said he'd do it after therapy because he told me that I was making it up. Thankfully I had the text to prove what he'd told me in the first place.)

    I do my best to not rely on him in these matters, because the disappointment is so deep, and I get so angry and hurt, and I don't keep it to myself very well. I still have not let go of the expectation that a wife can and "should" depend on a husband, that it is a mutual caretaking experience, that I can let go and relax a little and trust him to pick up the slack. So I try to avoid situations where he will risk letting me down, but I couldn't in this case.

    I spent the last 3 days reminding him about this. We cannot blend our finances because he doesn't take responsibility for fixing his finances, and I refuse to do it. So we just keep it separate. But that means I require some participation to keep the house going. 

    What's worse, is if I raise my voice even from a valid concern like not getting our rent after all this reminding, he shuts down and disappears and just stonewalls. "I won't talk to you like this." So what could have been resolved quickly, wasn't, because he avoids it all. Things were going well the last few days, but we don't do conflicts very smoothly. They drag out because he just wants me to stop being mad.

    I don't know if he can't understand, or doesn't try, or what. His level of emotional awareness seems very small. Is that part of ADD also? If I'm happy, he is happy, and if I am unhappy with his choices, he just wants to go away, does not try to understand, often does not want to understand, so nothing changes. That's not fair. He acts emotionally like a child, and learning about ADD I start to wonder if that is actually his brain keeping him from being more mature. I don't want to say that to him because it will add to the list of excuses for why he doesn't follow through.

    I am working on not enabling. That means trying to find a balance. I don't want to be demoralizing, but the level of emotion I feel when he doesn't follow through is just really intense. I don't call him names. I try to not intentionally make him feel bad. But I do think I need to be authentic or I will not be able to process my feelings. I will have sooo much resentment to carry around if I just grin and bear it. The problem is he stonewalls, so nothing gets sorted. I end up feeling resentful anyway.

    Each let-down hits the same place as all the others, so in spite of my efforts to stay present, to forgive, to focus on the positive, when I do feel let down, it is so intense. It mixes with all the other moments he has let me down. I just don't know what to do with that right now. 

    Thank you for this space of community for me to try and understand better how to respond to this in a healthy way. He does try to treat me well, he tries to cooperate, he tries to create a happy space with me. He is learning that I am not his maid, and I am not his ex wife who stayed home and did not ask for any help in the house. I expect an equal partnership and generally he tries to give me that. He can be caring and funny and playful. But the realities of trying to navigate a new marriage with ADD symptoms are wearing on both of us. I often have thoughts of "it's not worth it" when he lets me down and I express that disappointment, only to find him disappearing. So now I'm let down and abandoned also. Yay. 

    This isn't easy but I hope if I educate myself it will get easier. In the meantime I am working on making myself happy regardless of what he is doing. 

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