Recent Topics

  • Silliness and immaturity and frustration
    by: I'm So Exhausted - 7 hours 15 min ago

    I long for hearing , "Gosh I forgot."  I long for hearing, "Darn, it may have been me."  I long for hearing, "Hmm, I wonder if I forgot to hook the gate?"  I long for an adult taking responsibilities for the simple fact that he  may or may not have been responsible for something.  

    I came home from work today to find the gate open between the dining and living room, leading to the inevitable of discovering the dog peed in the living room carpet.  When I was talking to my spouse I mentioned that the gate was left open, to which my spouse said it was left open by our 25 year old son. 

    So when our son got home I addressed it with him.  His response was anger.  He was not the last one to leave the house, and he stated with anger that he was not going to clean the carpet.  

    A bit later my son came in asking, in a frustrated voice, the location of the carpet cleaner.  Sigh.   I started to cry.  The answer to this issue is NOT him and I constantly "keeping the peace" because we can't discuss these things with my spouse without a major argument.  My son  has had headaches for the past month.  Stress, I know it.  Major tension here at our home, so thick you can cut it with a knife.  Subconsciously I am avoiding everything, not asking for anything, trying my best to just retreat from arguments without playing the eggshell walking game.  

     This is where my life evolved, regardless of my hard work, my searching, my reading, my learning, my boundaries, my letting go of my parenting my husband,  my asking for answers that are not found.  I cannot get far enough away from "the box" to see how this really is.  

    So if a parent/child dynamic evolves with the non-adhd spouse being the dominant figure, I cannot understand how my relationship is such, as my doing everything evolved because nothing got done except by me.  And discussion over the chore-wars got my spouse angry, so I was trying to keep our home life happy.

    I foresee if I mentioned this, my spouse will get huffy and mention how he DID do the dishes before I left for work this morning.   

  • How to stop unreasonable defensiveness
    by: Jim Michaels - 7 hours 38 min ago

    Hello people. I could do with some advice if people can give it. I have ADHD, I am in my late 30s and have been formally diagnosed for 20 months now. I take Ritalin as medication on slow release which helps immensely, when it is in my system.

    I have increasingly been having arguments with my fiance. We have been together for 8 years now and engaged for 3. The arguments mostly start from practically nothing, she asks a question, and I interpret that question as though she is questioning if I did something correctly or queries why something did not happen as she expected. I immediately start feeling judged and respond in either a negative way or lie and start obfuscating. I seem to have lying down to a fine art and can spin quite a pretty tale; how ever my other half is extremly good at detecting this (8 years with me) and refuses to put up with me a) lying and b) trying to not accept responsibility for either something not going quite right or more usually for assuming she is accusing me by her questions. "Did you put the garbage out?" "Why did you leave the light off?" "What is that cardboard box doing in the study?"

    These sort of questions are (mostly) answered sensibly by me when I am in a medicated time period, "No dear, I'll do it in 30 mins [I there and then set an alarm to remind me]." "I was just being lazy dear?" "I left it there to remind me to fill it with the paperwork this evening."

    When I'm not on the medication or tired (or both) my responses are like, "Well it wasn't on my list of things to do this evening so I forgot!" "I though I could see ok in the dark for what I needed to do. It doesn't matter, why are you questioning my decision making?" "I'll move it ok! Right now dear [I stop doing something necessary to tidy away the box, and later forget to organise the paperwork]."

    This causes arguments, often prolonged ones because until my cortisone and dopamine levels (I think) are raised enough by having the argument. I am *convinced* that I was actually accused of something in the questioning. My other half is quite a forthright woman and when she wants to accuse you of something there is no ambiguity about it (with me an other people) so please don't be thinking her questioning is some passive-aggressive thing

    Some of the time my fiance notices what is happening and quells it by ignoring me and walking away from the argument (fairly soon after when the 'challenge' is removed I tend to concluded it's me who as the problem and I apologise) but other times she is so totally surprised that this doesn't happen. 

    I hate these arguments, they are hurting our relationship badly, and increasing in frequency and severity. Counseling is untenably expensive for us at the moment (saving for wedding) so if anyone has ay ideas it would be much appreciated.I am primarily interested in stuff *I* can do as my other half has show great flexibility in modifying other aspects of her life (household org. planning, finance management, never complaining about forgetfulness, etc...), asking her to bend over this would be a bit insulting.

     

  • PLEASE help me put this into the proper perspective
    by: Icefishinglady - 1 day 16 hours ago

    Synopsis of situation: I am a widow of 7 years. Significant Other (SO) is a widower of 2.25 years with AD/HD which has never been dx'd or treated. (It slowly dawned on me that this was the case, and has become clearer over time and from discussions with the boys' teachers and caretakers, reading the boys' various medical, school, psychological records - his late wife was aware and it was apparently a much-discussed issue among them).

    SO has twin autistic sons, 18 years of age, both of whom have AD/HD issues, and a daughter, now 21, who has AD/HD. We met in March of 2013 and became engaged in October of 2013. I moved in with him in February of 2014, but had been staying here much of the time after we became engaged.

    SO does have a successful business. When his wife was alive, she took over all of the bookkeeping and bill-paying duties, enabling him to stay afloat and take care of the business. Since her death, things have deteriorated greatly in that arena. Bills don't get paid in a timely manner, his billing of customers doesn't get done, and the piles of papers are staggering. He spends a lot of time apologizing to his customers for being late, lying to creditors ("I never got the bill!"), etc. He did try hiring two people to help - his DD and a family friend - neither of whom have worked out.

    Now, don't get me wrong - there ARE a lot of crisis situations around here surrounding the boys, who can be verbally and physically aggressive... so some of his inability to be on time, etc. is very justified. I've been punched, kicked, bitten, gone after with a knife a couple of times - but the boys had VERY little structure and consistency in their lives before I was here. They have greatly improved - and SO has gotten over a lot of his denial about their behaviors, finally agreed that one of them needs to be on some pretty potent medication, etc. They now have schedules, they are no longer allowed to watch violent/inappropriate media or play violent video games, their media time is now an earned privilege. They are doing MUCH better socially and behaviorally, and the home is much more peaceful.  SO was very resistant at first, saying he could not be as consistent as I was, even if he knew that it was the best thing for the boys - he came around eventually.

    I've spent hundreds of hours filling out forms for them, taking them to appointments, meeting with people from the school, talking to their caretakers, therapists, doctors, etc., developing systems for them, taking care of them. I've gone to seminars, bought many books so I could learn more about autism and AD/HD and nonverbal learning disorders. I've paid to take classes.

    Two weeks ago, SO dropped a bomb. We were planning to be married in September. He didn't want to marry me yet. His reasons were pretty vague - worries about finances, his life is just too chaotic and he has to find a group home for at least one of the boys, etc. Okay, so be it... but then he said I'd rushed him into this... at which point I took off the ring and gave it back.

    A few days later, I'd been working on the boys' computer at SO's request, trying to figure out some Net Nanny issues. I discovered that he has been (at least since May) cruising a particular dating site. At first I thought it was one of the boys, or perhaps my son... but it took only one look at one of the profiles SO had been looking at to realize that it was him. I was FURIOUS. When I confronted him, he tried denying/lying, but finally admitted it. His crazy logic (?) was something about finances - but I think even he doesn't know why - I think it was an impulsive thing that turned into a compulsion.

    Whatever. It got us in to see a therapist. She advised me/us not to make any rash decisions. I had been ready to just pretty much walk out, though I wanted very much to make sure SO was set up to get help and the boys would be prepared as well as I/we could get them prepared. That's the part that breaks my heart the most, I think - the boys.

    The therapist fast-tracked SO into seeing an AD/HD therapist, whom he's made an appointment to see next week. He doesn't want me involved in the therapy.

    I've been trying to UNDERSTAND all of this stuff he's saying. I've tried to ferret out his reasoning. He'll say something, I'll say, "So you're saying X", then he will say, "No, it's not like that" - again, maybe he doesn't even know why.

    I've started writing things down that he says in these conversations - because I have some very serious decisions to make, a fixed income (sufficient to live on, certainly, but fixed)... and I do NOT like feeling like he has me over a barrel and I cannot leave.

    Today he has said:

    1. "It's too soon"

    2. He doesn't want any more to "take care of"

    3. Money worries; he wants to save for retirement

    4. He "can't take more on"

    5. "I need to have less responsibility in taking care of others"

    6. "DD is launched, and the boys will be"

    7. "I need to just take care of ME"

    Last night, it was, "Who will take care of ME if something happens?"

    To me, this all sounds like part midlife crisis, part AD/HD, part fears of the future.

    I asked him, "If you were in my place, what would you think/do after hearing all of this?"

    "Well, I'd have done some things differently. I'd offer to pay an electric bill. I'd buy a bag of groceries without being asked, so I didn't feel like a mooch."

    I blew. I have offered REPEATEDLY to help with things and he has ALWAYS said no, he has no need of my money. I've done it anyway... bought a few groceries, bought him nice gifts, refused to let him help with paying for my gas as he offered, paid for entertainment and meals (nice places, expensive tickets etc.). He'd sometimes just transfer money into my checking account when I didn't even WANT him to.

    He apologized but the damage is done. I think he really sees me as a "mooch" and I am NOT willing to stay here under those circumstances. Last week when he said he thinks I should pay for some of the expenses I immediately wrote him a check. I would never have had a problem doing so, but he refused to take anything - he'd say, "I have 30k in my checking account - I don't need your money!".

    So "don't do anything rash" - well, I'm getting pretty worried that I am going to fall apart. I cannot stand the thought that he thinks I am taking advantage of him. I don't know it it is just stuff he's blurted out - I don't think so, because of all the other things he has been saying... I cannot STAND it. I was with my husband for 34 years and I was the major breadwinner. We had a good marriage, and were very much in love for the whole 34 years. We were still passionate and looking forward to retiring. It wasn't easy all of the time (he was bipolar) but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.

    So yeah, I know what it's like to be a caretaker.

    I can't figure out what SO is thinking or feeling exactly, because he will say something and then deny it, but to me it sounds like it's something that yeah, HE needs to get figured out ON HIS OWN - and until he does, he has no business being in a relationship.

    HELP! Am I seeing this wrong?

     

     

  • Fired again...
    by: esb - 2 days 7 hours ago

    My husband has had 3 jobs in as many years.  We moved across the country for this last one, got into debt with the move, and he was fired after three months.  I am trying so hard to be supportive.  At least this time I also have a job with benefits, but it does not make anywhere near enough to support our three children.  He is an executive and very good at his job, but his inability to read people and emotional intelligence are really holding him back.  The last boss simply said he "shared too much personal information" and that it made people uncomfortable.  I think this will finally motivate him to get help, but I hardly know where to direct him.  Would a ADHD coach make a difference?  Money is very tight, but I would be happy to invest in our future if a result could be attained.  He is medicated, but I think he lacks the skills to read a room.  He thinks he is very funny, and when he was in his early twenties he was, the problem is that his humor has not changed in 15 years.  I am at a loss... thanks for listening.

  • REALLY???
    by: justme2013 - 2 days 14 hours ago

    I am still here, still drowning and feel I will die or be on 27 medications for anxiety and depression before anything else happens. It's my opinion that divorce is so common here because it seems to be the only sane option! In every forum/article/book etc......the advice for me (the non-adhd partner) is to stop blaming which translates to exactly what the adhd partner wants.....no accountability for anything ever.....and the other major tip is to stop "nagging" which again translates to exactly what the adhd partner wants, they will NOT do their part and never be accountable for their actions and I will smile about it and say that's ok honey, I will not blame you for something YOU HAVE BLATANTLY DONE BEFORE MY EYES because THAT would be wrong and I certainly won't nag you about it! Are you kidding me???? This is the advice for us???? So double dose on that xanax and sit in your little doped up world and just say yes dear to everything?? Doesn't the word blame imply that someone else has done something and I want to blame you? As adults in an adult relationship I don't blame my husband for anything he hasn't done but I do hold him accountable for things he HAS done. Which as Dr. Phil would say makes me a "right-fighter"......it's all a bunch of BS in my opinion. It has most of us on medication to tolerate the behavior of another who actually needs the medication and that makes no sense at all!! C'mon Dr. Orlov there has to be something more than stop blaming and nagging, something more than just take everything they throw at you with a smile and offer them some tea after..........

  • How do you handle the constant stream of ideas?
    by: redhead1017 - 2 days 14 hours ago

    I don't know about your DHs, but mine comes up with the "next big thing" several times a week. Of course he doesn't follow through on one thing, ever. This week alone, he's had five big ones and he wants to talk about them for hours. Every one of them requires years of training or schooling,and all of them are completely unrealistic. 

    I actually just got done with yet another conversation, this one about becoming an insurance agent. He's been  unemployed for several years and I get that he wants to help support, but why not pick training based on your background (which is IT). 

    I love him and I want to be supportive, but how many times do I have to be a cheerleader when I know it doesn't go anywhere, ever? Not one of his ideas has he ever followed through on. 

    How do you handle the constant stream of ideas? 

     

     

     

  • but what about me?
    by: Grimley - 3 days 4 hours ago

    I have read Delivered from Distraction.  It is a great resource in understanding ADHD.  But, here's the thing.  I just read the chapter about "what kind of mate is best".  The problem is, I have been married for 11 years, and I am not the best mate.  I am having a horrible time accepting my constant give, and getting nothing in return.  I'm a go getter, I micromanage, I feel resentment even when I try not to.  I am embarassed when we go to a family get together and he expects to be served and sit on his butt, and do nothing, and escape when he needs to, and all the other things he "needs" to do.  But, I am not the kind of mate that is best.  I've tried to be, but I cannot handle taking care, nurturing, and being sympathetic all the time.  What do I get out of this marriage?  What are my options here?  When is enough is enough?  What do we do now?

  • Why Keep Trying
    by: cotu - 3 days 14 hours ago

    After yet another long winded discussion with my ADHD husband this morning in regards to the break down in communication which leads to divorce/separation talks I wonder what's the point? Why are all the non AD spouses working so hard to make sense of the commitment to stay, in what is mostly a dissatisfying, frustrating, hurtful relationships? I have been married 23 years to a man who has for the most part made my emotional life unhealthy. I feel at this point I have become physically ill because of the years of trying to constantly adjust who I am to better cater to his inability to function as an emotionally balanced adult. I have carried the lions share of responsibility of raising three children, running our three business ( making us fairly wealthy) and spending hours and hours of my time trying unsuccessfully to explain how the  counterproductive communication, no reflection on behavior and/or inappropriate responses are socially and irrationally  caustic. I get the same answers ,,,,your just an angry person and its you not me. Typical ADHD answer I know...but not good enough. I asked him why am I an angry person and if you truly love your wife as you say why would you not be concerned that she is angry often rather than cast it up belligerently like its coup de grace? What if instead, you had actual concern and love for your wife and sit her down to work out solutions that foster wellness and happiness in the unit. His answer?, I just don't think that way. Nice,,,very nice and where does that leave me . Again with the ball in my court, deal with it or leave. Well, I ask why stay? If your spouse will not use self reflection and at least 25% of the empathy of  understanding of which is asked of you, why even try? At his point I feel by staying I am assuming his victim role. I see no other choice as 25 years of struggling to make sense of what is not sensible ,,makes no sense. Shame on me for trying for so long. If your young with our life ahead of you head my words, think on it deeply, initial pain is difficult but years of chipping away at your soul is a life lost. 

  • Separating person from ADHD
    by: Hope to peace - 3 days 15 hours ago
    The challenge with separating the person from the ADHD symptoms is that the symptoms exaggerate everything. The hyper focusing make things larger then life, make the person larger then life, and make growing as a person extremely slow and laborious. My ADHD partner is born under the astrological sign of Cancer. Canceriams are known for loving the past, which includes their past. I know Cancerians who can balance that and still dwell and engage with their present and future. With my ADHD-partner the symptom of hyper-focusing makes her past the most important thing! If a friend from her past gets in contact with her she hyper-focuses on them. She hyper-focuses on rekindling that friendship and then on keeping it a live and she hyper-focuses on how they have known each other for x number of years. I can't begin to tell you how many times our 4 years together have been compared to their 20 (she even compared our short time together to her 7 years with her son the other day!). And it is odd how it happens....we are all close and connecting and she shares with me something about someone from her past and I can tell she starts to feel less comfortable with me and less engaged in our present or future and her mind drifts to that person and the years they have spent together and all the things that has happened and probably runs off to get in touch with them. The odd thing is....or a challenge is...that she won't reminisce about our past....all be it short in comparison to some people who she has known since childhood, but no less full of events, growth and need for closure on some issues and misperseptioms. It is the hyper-focusing on her past that makes this part of her character so troubling. And. Since she is obsessed and hyper-focusing she can't wait to take the time to involve me on this journey. She drives off to talk with past friends in private....and perhaps she feels uneasy that she is hyper-focusing/obsessing over this person and so hides it from me because some where she knows it is being taken to an unhealthy level that crosses relationship boundaries. As well, the intensity of the conversation probably crosses acceptable relationship boundaries and so she takes it away from me so as not to hurt me or have me get angry with her. Non-the-less, I can feel her obsession with that person and it is that obsession that hurts because she then is not obsessed with me and I am not receiving her attention yet am doing all the work and being at home, alone, taking care of our home and business...while she is off having that connection with someone else. I have been called jealous and insecure many a time over this hyper-focusing over someone else. She says "what do you think I am going to do, sleep with them? Leave you for them?" I have never been able to express to her that No, I don't think she will do those things......but that she does leave me when she is hyper-focusing on someone else....she does leave the relationship in an inappropriate and unhealthy way and although she does not have sex with them, she also does not have sex with me because of that darn adhd symptom of having a hard time with transitions. If she is hyper-focused on someone and is obsessed with them, when she will next get to talk with them, what they said, what she is Dying to say to them, ask them, know about them, etc...if she is having conversations with them in her head.....then she is NOT feeling that way about me and is not transitioning from that person, to me...to our life....to making love with me! So in a indirect way, she is cheating!! Emotional cheating!! And this can happen for people from her last to new people she meets......it is as if she always needs to have someone on the side!! Sepperating ADHD from the person! Ok, so my partner is a fun dynamic person whom everyone loves!! Hell I fell in love with her. I was charmed by her and felt like the most special person in the world in her presence! I felt desired, sexy, interesting, and fully loved and adored! I was the joyous recipient of her hyper-focusing! Now....I see others receiving that and blooming under her attention. Since we are lesbians and she is a very handsome women....(though I suppose it could be a problem for headero sexual couples as well) women just flock to her and giggle and swoon after her attention (both straight and gay women, as the straight women see her as a very sensitive and engaging man ..even though they know she is a women, their brains can't make sense of what they are seeing and hearing so they see an attractive man connecting with them in away women connect with each other and they think "he is speaking to my soul...right to my heart...we are kindred spirits!" And her is where an ADHD symptom causes a larger problem with this: she hyper-focuses on them and showers them with attention and carrys the memory of them with her all day and doesn't become present with me or is "bored" with me. And these women just LOVE her!! She shines and they giggle over everything she does......and I pale in comparrison to her! Don't get me wrong, I am NOT a wall flower! I too am dynamic and fun and out going.....but when I am engaging with someone she walks into the room and talks loud, out of turn, and all eyes turn to her and it becomes all about her, as well, she dousnt carry the stressful energy I (and most people do) so she comes across all fresh and enlightened and care free. People end up liking her more then me and prefer to be with her and bask in her attention and child like attitude. I end up looking and feeling like a wet blanket, a bore, uninteresting, etc. I can't even stand to be around it anymore! So I walk away and then she gets mad that I always walk away...ha ha...but I am not going to be one of her groupies or stand by and watch all her groupies swoon over her as she puts A show for them.....all the while me knowing that is not the partner I have behind closed doors!! And that later that evening, when it is time to go to bed.....that is not the sexual, flirtatious, dynamic, playful, and deep person I will get!! No....I will get distracted, silent, low energy, un sexual, un playful, un flirtatious, tv watching, xbox playing, silent, in word, slug. It has taken me all,these 4 years to not take it personally and not feel rejected or ugly, etc. and I do still need to work on it at times....but each day gets easier and easier. However these days I get jealous because she HAS so many flirting with her and I do not!! She spends her days surrounded by love, admiration, desire, curiosity, connection and being sought out! I spend my days being committed to this marriage to our home and business, trying to understand Adhd, worrying about money, her symptoms, and what my life will be like with her in it. I want someone to flirt with me!! I want to be found intriguing and to be sought after! I want to be hyper-focused over! I want to have feeling for someone and have to deny them because I am in a marriage!! I want to feel alive like that too!! It isn't fair that she gets her cake and eat it too!! Separate the person from the symptoms.....sometimes they are so connected that is hard to do. Because the symptoms make a do-able trait exaggerated and un-doable!!......even destructive!!
  • Chronically disappointed becoming a norm
    by: beingNT - 4 days 8 hours ago

    I'm in tears.  We've been together for five years.  We managed through the most difficult time of getting ADHD/Asperger's diagnosed, her denial, slow treatment.  I almost left, twice.  But it got better.  It is better.  But I've also allowed certain things to become my normal.  Like sometimes feeling a low lying sense of aloneness even though she's there.  I know she loves me to the ends of the Earth, but only because I've come to understand how she expresses it.  But how she expresses it doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated.  It's just me interpreting her actions (like doing the dishes - a monumental task) and remembering, that's how she tries to show she values our relationship.  

     

    I need more than that.  I was very hurt today by her neglectful behaviors over the week.  And I know that sometimes she's slow in coming around to acknowledge, apologize or remedy her actions (or lack of them), even after reminders.  And I know that her symptoms are not personal.  But it still hurts. It's disappointing when her symptoms act up... 

     

    At this point, I'm not even looking for a way to change it.  Just saying that it just hurts to have to keep dealing with it.

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