Recent Topics

  • by: kathy1208 - 1 hour 3 sec ago

    Why does my husband do this? My husband is a bit of a know-it-all.  He will go on and on about something for which there really is no reason for him to know that much about the particular hting he is talking about because he's never had much experience with it or anything...I feel like "I don't know" is not part of his vocabulary but it should be a part of everyone's vocabulary! How hard is it to stop and consider "I don't really know the answer to that with certainty" and to respond "I dont know"? It is particularly frustrating when it comes to things that relate to my line of work. I don't get why rich, successful people trust my opinion about my particular line of work and pay hundreds an hour for my legal advice, but my own husband will argue up and down with me.

    A very simple example was today, when he was talking about selling his car. I mentioned that he needs to have a notary for the title and he insisted it doesnt need to be notarized. AFter arguing vehemently for that position, he looks it up on like, cars.com or something and is like ok it needs to be notarized. I don't get it. I dont know everything but I do work in property law and do peoples wills and contracts and everything - wouldn't logic win out and him say ok she may know a thing or two about the basics of transferring a vehicle title? What in the world do I do in these situations??  We are also in the process of saving for a house and the same thing - every conversation about mortgages, property title insurance, etc., if his "impression" of the way things work contradicts what I tell him, he has to vehemently argue his position. I generally know when to answer "I dont know" when I dont really know the truth about something, and if my impression every contradicts a friend or relative or acquaintance who is an expert in that area, I dont start arguing blindly with them....i respect that their opinion most likely is the correct one versus my loose impression of something with which i may have little or no real experience.

     

    AHHHHHH sorry! We've been together for 6 years, and I feel like he pointlessly argues about so much, with me or others and doesn't listen.  The most upsetting part about it is not that hes arguing with me, it's that hes a smart hardowrking guy and I feel like he just sells himself short by jumping to things and not listening and keeping his eyes and ears open to others and everything. 

     

     

  • by: Standing - 8 hours 3 min ago

    Going to use this thread to note some of the interactions which used to get added to the blur which has been my married life for the past 10 years. These are not sources of angst or any sort of commentary against add or any of the other diagnoses which might be applicable, simply observations by one woman who is trying to be herself in the midst of an atmosphere which makes no sense to me.

    *  In the few minutes during which we "engage" at the end of the day, I mention viewing a bit of a program about Harry Houdini, the magician. I was going to retell, briefly, something that I found to be of interest. He says:  "I've recorded that." Me: "Cool! I only caught part of it, but there was much I had not known before..."  Him: "I recorded it, Part I of II.".  Me: "That's neat. I did not know that Houdini had performed before the czar of Russia..."   Him:  "Yep."

    *  I am mindlessly surfing on my phone and he asks, all chipper-like,  "What are you reading?"  I say, "Oh, this and that."  Him: "Oh, about what?"  Me:  "Nothing, really; my brain is not engaged."  Him, in a weary, pained, and disgusted tone, as though he is so severely abused:  "OHhhKayyy, so you don't want to tell me."  Me: "I have nothing to tell you because I was not absorbing anything that was before my eyes."

    *  He drives home from work (not far) to look for misplaced keys and finds me dragging full rubbish bins to end of driveway in the rain. He jumps out of his vehicle, all perky, and says, "Oh, honey! Love the rain, love it, love it, love it!"   Yeah huh.

     


     

  • by: StateOfBeing - 18 hours 49 min ago

    I have posted here before, and described something of my journey with what I thought was my partner's ADHD; I have been through thinking there were breakthroughs. I have moved onto other attributions, including the ever relevant 'co-dependence' perspective. What I did not expect to realise is that the truest match of all is NPD/malignant narcissism. It has been a lightbulb moment that makes sense of all else, and makes much better sense of it too. It has become more possible for me to connect dots as he's gotten older and narcissistic rage is his response to a simple question...and all else besides. I have known him for twenty years and this, I really believe, in his case, is it. Tuck ADHD in there, but narcissism is what we're really living with, and what, most would agree, can't be beaten in a person. I have been aware of other malignant narcissists in my life, but this took a lot of working out, since such people specialise in concealing tracks and shifting blame and shaming and reversing, and so on and so forth. I've been trying for the real thing in this relationship, for reality and authenticity, and now realise that this was always to be unwinnable as I have been his 'narcissistic supply'. What a waste! How sad! So now I have a new path, and feel a new freedom to see it. I'm interested to hear from others who've had a similar realisation. There are so many possible overlaps in working out what's going on with someone. Thankyou, and love x

  • by: lauren07 - 1 day 9 hours ago

    Saturday I got super PO'd at my ex when I found he hadn't wipes his son's butt good enough. I mean, I went into major shut down mode. I haven't said two words to him since. 

    Well, today, Monday, my son pooped himself again. I took him downstairs to clean it and my ex met us in the bathroom. I told him he can either take it from here or let me do it. He took care of it, but once my kid came back upstairs I decided to check how clean he was. Well, I had to use two wipes to get him totally clean. There was even a visible brown spot when I started. 

    I feel like I am taking crazy pills!!!!! This isn't stuff I can just ignore. His ass has to be cleaned!!! This isn't a job you can leave half done. I just want to scream and go running home to my family in Carolina!! But I love my job here. 

    Oh my god, what do I do?! 

    I'm looking at renting places, but my ex will still get his son once or twice a week and leave his ass half wiped and take him fishing without a life jacket and not pull his chest strap all the way up in the car seat. The car seat thing happened Saturday too. I have been EDUCATING him on the chest strap since freaking BIRTH!!!!!!!

    WHY IS EVERY SINGLE THING HALF ASSED?!?!?!?!

    I don't think I'm being a picky, control freak AT ALL!!! Some things seriously have to be done right and consistently!!!!! 

     

  • by: FedupNY - 1 day 21 hours ago

    My DH has been diagnosed with ADHD from when he was a child. He was on medication but then stopped. We have been married for 6 yrs, together for 10- we have 2 children ages 4 and 2. About 5 yrs ago he went back to the dr to go back on adder all because he was having problems focusing on work. He was doing ok and then he was diagnosed with diabetes ( type 1 ) . Between our piling up medical bills, our house and his parents finances he seemed to just spiral. I guess he always had some anger issues and he always feels he knows the right way to do things. I used to just let it go until recently, I've been feeling so picked over and that everything I do is wrong. I feel like a battered woman since if things are done wrong I get yelled at.  I am not the best house keeper and I admit that but there is always a hot meal on the table the house is kept clean just not OCD neat. I do have 2 young children running around! My husband also has OCD which makes things harder for me. Just tonight I got nit picked because I put an onion away without taking the skin off and when he chopped it he had to pick the peel out. How the hell is this my fault?! I then got the " you never finish anything, everything is half assed done, you never do it right" 

     

    so what I am asking is how do I deal with this? I have spoken to him but it is making me hate him being home. 

  • by: Krina - 2 days 7 hours ago

    Sept 1 will be my 18 yr anniversary and ALL I can do is keep thinking how can I escape this nightmare? 99% sure my husband is ADHD. He fits all of the typical symptoms (too long to go into). Our 16 yr old daughter has been diagnosed ADHD & she is nearly identical to her father's behavior. My 15 yr old shows tendencies of ADHD but not to the extent of her older sister. So what brings me here? Desperation I guess...I am struggling to hold this household together for the sake of my girls. I have to navigate 3 ADHD personalities and I have to admit I am failing. I am completely alone with no support system. My extended family is gone due to a family blow up & his family has never been in the picture. My friends are all gone because they got tired of my husband refusing to let anyone over or to go out, plus all of my energy goes into keeping my household going, no time for friends.

    I feel like I have been through it all with Mike - Lying more times then I care to count the latest HUGE lie was a secret bank account that he was hiding, that took over $40,000 over 4 yrs, which he spent all of. He continues to blame me for HIM doing because if I was not such a nag or tight with money he wouldn't have had to do it. I kicked him out at that time for 8 months, but due to financial reasons & his "act" of changed behavior I allowed him back into the house to reside in a separate bedroom. (nearly 18 months ago) But the "change" did not last, we don't talk ever, his only focus is work & when he is home he is the "leave me alone type". We are in financial trouble because his impulsiveness has him spending on his CC everyday. I have begged, pleaded, yelled, cried every tactic to try to solve our problems. Nothing has worked, partly because he refuses to even acknowledge he might need help & he has this way of ALWAYS making it my fault. I am definitely the "MOTHER" in this relationship, I need it to end. His hyper focus is downloaded movies & books or work. There isn't any room for me or the girls. Any request for him to help with the household or girls is met with resentment and anger, because I am "telling or ordering him" to do it. 

    I had to quit my job, which was my only financial way out, because my 16yr olds ADHD diagnosis & anxiety issues were coming to a crisis point. So now I am here a year later feeling trapped, alone and with no hope. Oh to make matters worse I am OCD with anxiety issues. (Most of which stem from lack of love and security) The two triggers that an ADHD spouse has the most trouble with. I spend my days trying to hold off all of the ADHD issues of my family by trying to micro-manage their lives. Which I have tried often to stop doing but then the whole household falls apart. Mike expects that since I am not officially working (I run my own business from the home but it gets put to the side because of the family needs) that ALL of this is MY responsibility. I should care for the whole house (a fixer upper & is in serious need of repairs, which I have to do), the bills (make money magically appear out of NO WHERE since he is spending uncontrollably) and handle ALL of the girls needs (micro-manage homework their chores, social calendars etc). He sees his ONLY role is to work because it is such a stressful job the rest of his time is down time. But I am DROWNING, my OCD has me tied up mentally in knots trying to plan the unpredictable nature of my family. I simply can't do it all anymore. 

    When I consider walking away, I will still have ALL the same issues PLUS NO financial support. Even when he was out of the house I ended up being the "mother" paying bills so he didn't lose his place or working out his schedule so he could visit the girls. He turns EVERYTHING into my fault and with my OCD/anxiety its an easy guilt trip to ride.  It is hard to not just walk away from it all & start OVER. Let him raise the girls, deal with the house. But I brought these 2 girls into the world and it is my responsibility to raise them to college. I chant to myself all day long, only 4 more years until my youngest is in college. I can hold on right? I know they won't find success without someone there to help them. 

    How do you do it? How do you be a 1 man band with all of the responsibilities and none of the support? My oldest son, previous relationship & I was a single mom, was not as hard as this situation. He was my only help but he is now successfully grown, college graduate and set to get married soon. I know there has to be a better way and I hope any non-ADHD spouse can offer some insight or advice. I know Mike is struggling too with the ADHD and the dysfunction of our marriage, however I have no more ideas on how to fix. 

    Sadly ALL I every wanted was an equal partner in this life to love & who loves me. How do you deal with the loneliness of the ADHD unaffectionate spouse? Or are we just destined to be their "care takers" forever?

    Sorry for the long rant but this is the 1st time I have put any of this out there to the world, guess I have 18 yrs of sadness built up. 

  • by: Hope to peace - 3 days 7 hours ago
    I have been reading and learning and trying to turn my attention back to me and what I need to do to survive this (vs what she needs to do). But it is so hard when she continues to learn nothing and keeps putting me in unhealthy dynamics...namely parent/child dynamic....for which I am really trying hard to work against! So here is where this week worked out: WE have been in the middle of buying our home, where we live and run our business from (a child development school). It has been a very long process with many delays (not good for someone with ADHD in terms of holding their focus). Since my credit is better, the home will be in my name and they are looking at my credit, etc. WE/I have been told not to buy anything unnecessary and to not use my credit cards except for justifiable emergencies. SHE, however, is free to use hers! And use them she does!! She has a 7 year old and it is back to school time. This week I observed her on her iPad a lot and closing it out as soon as I walk in the room. As well. I saw her looking up shoes online. When I ask her what is new today, she says "oh, nothing". Ya right! I can guarantee that in the next few days many packages will appear at our door....clothing, shoes, jackets, for her son...FINE....would I have liked to be included in this...sure, of coarse...but I can let that go. The thing that gets me, is I will bet anything that along with shopping for her son...she bought stuff for herself! As well she told me she asked her son what he wanted to do with his last weekend before school and his comment was he wanted to buy a new xbox game....she asked me if I was okay with that. I new she was lying!!!.....next thing I know there are 3 new games (that I know of)....SHE is staying up late while I sleep (all of a sudden her acid reflux is acting up) and she is commenting on how long it has been since she last played xbox. Who were the games really for?? And here I stand not being able to buy anything!! So WE can buy our home! I ask myself how I got talked into all of this! When did she express to me that we would be in this as a team and How did she lead me to believing her? This week we have been extremely distant! And she asks ME why I am distant. I wan to say "because you have made all these choices and decisions without me and have spent money on you and your son when you know I cannot and this kills the team!" But she would just lie and say she did non of that and get mad that I seem to always blame her and never take responsibility for myself and my actions. TELL me....what could I have done differently? I didn't say anything about my assumptions or what I think might have happened (based on consistent actions), I accepted that I agreed to do this and it is just my decision that has led to her being able to buy stuff and me being financially frozen. I can't help that this type of behavior sets us apart and not functioning as a team...as a couple...as grown up adult partners. And I also can't help that her looking me right I. The face and lying to me creates a distrustful and betrayed feeling for which....why wouldn't I pull away! Why would I snuggle up to her when, there is a very good chance, she looked right at me and lied to me...or told me some half truth! As it has been in the past, she tells her son to not tell me that they bought something....a new game....or stayed up late playing the new game while I slept (and I mean late...like til 2 in the morning). So then that creates a THEM AGAINST ME MENTALITY"......like they are the siblings who are in it together to pull the wool over moms eyes. I DONT WANT TO BE THAT TO HER!! I WANT TO BE THE ONE WHO BREAKS THE RULES WITH HER! THAT IT IS HER AND I AGAINST THE WORLD....NOT HER AND HER SON AGAINST ME! I am working so hard to not be in a parent child dynamic, but SHE puts me in that role and it really breaks our bond. It breaks our connection and it waters down and changes who WE are......who we were last week. I hate to say it, but the weeks her son is here this always happens! The weeks he is not here we can be more of an equal couple and she tends to do more work at joining us together and seems to view us as one. United, in love, etc. the weeks he is here...it is her and him....and I am some one to get around...someone who stops or blocks them from having fun and being happy. Maybe I am wrong....maybe she didn't buy a bunch of stuff....maybe she really did buy only a few games for him.....but I doubt it! And isn't that the shame right there....that I can't ask and trust I will get a truthful answer or that it won't turn into a fight to deflect the problem onto me! Isn't it a shame that I can't trust her to be in this house buying situation with me!! And that I am just waiting for the packages to arrive and wondering what lies and excuses she will tell me looking right at me! And that I won't be able to say "LIAR". And that really ....I dint care!! Just fuckin tell me the truth and involve me!! DONT PUT ME IN THIS STUPID PARENT CHILD DYNAMIC for which I am working really hard at avoiding! STOP! I AM NOT YOUR MOM! I am not the fun buster :(
  • by: JLD - 4 days 3 hours ago

    Hi - my husband and I are reading through Melissa's book about the ADHD Effects on Marriage (loving it - such a relief to have these issues finally explained) and I'm just wondering - how different are the seminars from the book? Do the seminars provide more/different information or are they based on the books but expanded with more anecdotes, etc? More detailed info on the seminars would be appreciated. I checked out the info on this site about the seminars but maybe I missed something?

    Thanks.

  • by: dedelight4 - 4 days 6 hours ago

    I'm throwing out a question here about anger. My ADHD husband is getting better about his anger issues, but he still takes serious offense because many people think he "looks angry".  People find him hard to approach because his facial expression and body posture make him look like he is mad and angry about something. He's complained about this before, and YELLS (which doesn't help) "I'm NOT ANGRY"..."I'm just thinking about lots of things",  and I've told him that I've had the same reaction with not talking to him at certain times because he indeed SEEMS very angry.

        Does anyone else have anything similar to this?........ facial expression, body posture, attitude, etc. give off an impression that others take the wrong way? He also is on the run most of the time, (hyperactivity) which creates an aura of "I"m too busy to talk to you right now" type of atmosphere. Does anyone else experience this as well? Has anyone found anything that helps or that can tell the ADHD person that it's NOT the family trying to CONTROL them, it's how the world ACTUALLY SEES THEM.

        

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 4 days 8 hours ago

    I am sitting at my desk looking out the back sliding doors.  The birds are all over the feeders, directly off the west end of the deck.   The awning is swaying gently.  There to the right - is the barn.  And buckets of stuff.  And a wheelbarrow.  And totes.  And metal.  And rolls of plastic pipe.  And an old cart for stackable chairs.  And some plastic milk cartons full of miscellaneous things.     

    My request has been to keep stuff out of the line of view out the back doors.  This is an adjusted request - the original included keeping stuff out of the line of view out the kitchen window AND the sliding glass doors.

    In my own brain, I decided it was not as important to have a nice view from the kitchen window as it was to have a nice view while I worked at my desk.  

    My desk sits in the office.  Which is directly east of the livingroom.  There is a window between the office and the livingroom.  From my desk, I see through that window, over the back of the couch, out the back sliding doors.  

    Some options I have are to ignore the stuff.  Pull the vertical blinds halfway across the doors so it blocks the view of the stuff.  Go move the stuff.  

    Let's just forget for a moment marriage.  Let's just imagine this is a situation between roommates, or friends or neighbors.

    This house sits on 10 acres, I'd say about evenly 1/4 west, and 1/4 north of the property lines, in that lower left hand corner.  All the rest of the property is open land with a few  trees scattered about.  .

    Is this a power-struggle?

    Is this just being ignored?

    This is some big bone of contention for me.  It makes me feel disrespected.  It frustrates me to have no where to just relax and enjoy the view.  

    Is this ADHD?  Is this total disregard for my wishes?  Is this "You ain't telling me what to do lady."  Is this he is just so overwhelmed with everything, he can't think straight?  What, in the name of all things pleasant is this?  What is so hard about not plopping things in this area of the yard?  

    It may seem immaterial.  For me, it is one of those annoyances that would be overlooked if there wasn't already so much on my brain.  

    It is also a little corner of the space, a tiny place to start, and maybe hope to branch out.  

    For now, let's just look at this corner.  ADHD.  Man.  Woman.  Sharing.  Compromising.  Conflict resolution.

     

     

     

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