Recent Topics

  • by: Rosered - 9 hours 16 min ago

    In the spirit of making lemonade out of the lemon of a marriage that I ended up with (29 years on Sunday!), I'm trying to think of what I'd advise people contemplating marriage to talk to their prospective spouses about.  This is not intended to bash people with ADHD.  I think EVERYBODY should give more thought to marriage before they take the plunge.  Here are some things I've come up with; please share your thoughts, too!

    Talk about your plans.  If your prospective spouse recoils at the words "plan" and "future," take note.  

    Discuss how you feel about intentional change.  Does your prospective spouse think he or she is done developing and growing or does he or she think adults can purposely evolve and change?  

    Explore your prospective spouse's approach to problem solving.  You WILL have problems when you're married; everyone does.  The difference is in how people deal with the problems.  

    Observe your spouse's housekeeping habits.  If they bother you now, they will probably continue to bother you.  

     

  • by: PuddleDog - 13 hours 38 min ago

    Hi everyone. I am new to this board and found it after someone recommended my boyfriend of 2 years (we'll call him Andy) be evaluated for ADHD.  After reading several books, prowling forums, and reviewing research articles, I am wondering how I have missed all the signs and symptoms for two years!  Fortunately Andy has agreed to go through with an ADHD assessment and (hopefully) treatment but I have some questions for all the non-ADHD partners who have years of experience under their belt because, right now, I feel a little like Alice tumbling down the rabbit hole...

    Andy has classic ADD symptoms:

    • Poor time management- at one point he got so involved with a video game on his computer one weekend that the entire day passed and he didn't even notice.  When I finally reached him 4 hours after we had planned to meet (he didn't even notice his phone ringing the first few times), he was shocked that so much time had passed.
    • Blanking out during conversations (and it's partner in crime, forgetfulness)
    • Poor financial management- he is an impulsive spender.  Despite (or perhaps the cause of?) the fact that he has credit card debt which that money could go toward, he still seems to have several new gadgets each week. 
    • Shuts down when he is overwhelmed by detail.
    • Poor planning ability.

    He is in his early 30's, has the same, stable job for the last 4 years, and seems like he should be well into his journey to adulthood.  But instead, he continues to bounce from roommate situation to roommate situation where he rents a room at someone else's house (and all because he doesn't want the responsibility of a lease or being an official renter).  All of his previous adult relationships have lasted no more than a year because the girl has broken it off.  He constantly talks about buying a house or a new car but there is no action toward making that happen (saving, budgeting, etc.) and the way he spends his money indicates that this isn't a priority.  He self medicates with video games on his phone to the point where I can't have a 15 second conversation with him without him pulling his phone out and diverting his attention to it. It seems that he is just content to play the goofy "oh that's just Andy" role rather than taking on adult responsibilities.

    Seeing these as symptoms of his brain working differently than mine, rather than taking them as personal indications of his involvement in/value of our relationship, has made a huge difference in my ability to handle many of these situations.  However, my question is this- where do you draw the line between the symptoms and the person's actual personality/motivation/desires?

    This question stems from the fact that after 2 years he still has no answer when I ask him where he sees this relationship going.  I ask him what he wants for his life (marriage, kids, a house, etc.) and he says he doesn't know and doesn't really think about the future.  Is this complete lack of future goals/desires (even in a very general way) a common occurrence for people with ADHD?  I worry that I am desperately clinging to the ADHD possibility as the reason for the indecisiveness, but instead it might actually just be how he operates regardless of the diagnosis.  I love him and support him but I also know that he is the master in conflict avoidance, so telling me that his life goals are different than mine is not something he would be inclined to do.  Because of this, I worry that I will spend another 2 years with someone who has no life goals that coincide with mine.  I will support him as he goes through this process no matter what, but I am curious if I am just being naive in thinking that treatment for ADHD will solve this issue.

    Any insight you have would be much appreciated. :-)

  • by: girl1992 - 1 day 2 hours ago

    i recently uploaded a forum under another topic explaining that some people close to me dont fully grasp or undertstand my relationship with my partner who has ADHD... i am not married and am rather young however i love my partner very much.

    in particular my mother has just begun to harrass/speak me about my boyfriend. she thinks he is very nice etc but says that I will never live a happy life with him. she makes presumptions such as he has will only ever have the emotional maturity of a 14 year old and offends me by saying that i am dellusional if i stay with him, its sad and so on. I have always been a very listening person and i tried very hard to take on her opinions that I cannot change but to expressed she isnt correct about everything ... she cant make assumptions and simply presume i am delusional etc...

    i do realise she only wants what is best for me (keeping in mind she is still with her husband that abused her for a very long time) so i try to respect her and her opinions as much as possible but i need to do what I know. and know one knows your relationship like you do. However, it is making it hard for me since It makes me sad etc

    she is only judging what she sees on the "outside" and making presumptions that she wont back down on for the rest of it. I dont really know what I am asking but i really want help and advice please.... 

  • by: learningtoloveadd - 1 day 4 hours ago
    As I sit here tonight, reading through the forum, pissed off at my ADD husband for being a total jerk this week, I just realized something: I USED to be fun. I used to love to dance and sing and laugh and drink a little too much sometimes. I used to be carefree and have an opinion, a voice. That was the girl that was so attractive to my now husband. I am now a shell of that person. I am the responsible one in our relationship. I'm am the one that needs to ensure bills are paid on time, kids get homework done, the lawn gets mowed, cars get maintenance when needed, family (his and mine) get cards and gifts for birthdays, the house gets cleaned, perscrptiobs get filled. You get the picture. Sex? Yeah right. Our sex life in the beginning was amazing. It still is, when we actually have it. Few and far between. No one wants to screw mean mommy and no one wants to screw a grown adult that acts like a petulant child. I just now realized how resentful I am for no longer being able to be the carefree spirit that I once was. So, I guess the big question is, how do I get back to that???
  • by: LyraHeartstrings - 1 day 5 hours ago

    I need his income information for our taxes and his father is his employer. He refuses to call his father/job and get the info and since we're traveling we can't access the form that was sent to our home. I asked him to call the job and get it faxed or emailed to us or just ask them the numbers. I am doing my taxes myself (joint), he has not done his for his country yet. I also did mine for his country (I'm a permanent resident there.) So I'm on my own with our US taxes and my other country taxes, but his father told his mother to email us and let us know that he's getting his accountant to take care of hubby's.

    Here's the deal: hubby has not held down a job in his life that was not provided by his father except for a couple of movie extra jobs for a few days here or there. I have worked 2 jobs to support us on my own and then his dad gave him a job for a while but then reduced his salary so now he gets an "allowance." It's a huge long story but right now I'm dealing with this list of possible ADHD traits:

    1. No sex, no affection, no touching. All contact is awkward.

    2. He doesn't groom himself, shower, brush his teeth.

    3. Everything is someone else's (mostly mine) fault. He can't be blamed for anything. Ever.

    4. he loses things like his cell phone, birth certificate, well anything really.

    5. He snaps at me all the time, does not understand when I infer things, answers things literally, repeats everything I say "to make sure he understands", does not bother to set reminders.

    6. He does not read self help books as he says they're useless. He says he will see "an expert". He lets everyone else do for him.

    7. Did I mention everything is my fault?

    8. He blurts out personal information all the time. Like the time he told my in laws that I was on a new medication for anxiety that was not their business. Of course now it's my fault if he blurts stuff because he can't be expected to be able to handle a CONVERSATION with his family members at all. Meanwhile, his father and mother own half the house (with HIM, not me!) and have been controlling my life for 3 years. He also told me "I'm not on their side, I'm not on your side, I'm on MY side." It's been like that for years.

     

    We have been married almost 7 years. We can't even have a conversation anymore. He is so ANGRY at everyone, everything, all the time. He snaps at our child, he doesn't want her playing or laughing or being loud, doesn't want her painting because it can "make a mess" even though he is a pig and leaves crap everywhere.

    I have NO money left. In 2010 I had 2 jobs, thousands in the bank, was supporting all three of us without his dad's help and his dad told him he was gonna retire in 5 years and wanted us to move to Canada. So we did because well hubby saw dollar signs in his eyes because FIL said he was selling off his company for MILLIONS and would give hubby 4 million dollars. I have been MISERABLE. My anxiety went off the charts. His whole family are up our butts -- we never have any money, can't afford anything.

    I'm so depressed.

  • by: dedelight4 - 1 day 13 hours ago

    Here's another question for everyone. My ADHD husband usually never goes to bed before 3 a.m.   I've seen other posts about erratic sleep schedules for those folks who suffer from ADHD, but was just wondering about the rest of you folks here. Are your schedules the same? When we were first married, I used to stay up with my DH so that we could go to bed together and maybe have some romantic time together, because he would never "do it" during the day. (sorry, don't mean to be graphic) But, regardless of how much or how little work he has, he will NOT go to bed earlier. He will even just putts around until he can "pass out" at 3am. He usually IS doing some sort of work, but a lot of the time, he's downloading material off the web, and/or playing video games. Is this the norm? or is this unusual?

  • by: Heather1026 - 1 day 15 hours ago

    I was just googling my new medication and I saw an ADHD and Marriage site. I thought that's cool.  Maybe they would have ideas for my and my husband. We are very happily married and he is ok that I come from the "dark side".  I am afraid of some of these comments!  So my "type" shouldn't get married?  Is this an anti ADHD cult?  I would love to chat, but I am afraid!!  Just so y'all know, my type is not evil....  

  • by: girl1992 - 2 days 2 hours ago

    hi i am new to this website and it is such a great website and very helpful!!

    I have been dating my boyfriend (with ADHD) for 2 years and he is definitely the most caring, lovely, sweet and adorable person i have ever met in my life. He has worked (before we even met) on his ADHD and has a great job, succeeded or striving to achieve many of his life goals, historically gotten disproportionately angry but not often since i have been with him. Most people who are close to me and him get the relationship 100% (not that they neccessarily need to). As i have been researching ADHD i have learnt people with ADHD do communicate differently and see the world differently which can be a positive and a negative thing which makes great sense to me... just like there are positives and negatives with many other facets of other people as well. Communication and perceiving the world differently is not a massive issue for that as we always talk if there is confusion, or if one of us doesnt understand what the other is trying to say. I am not saying there has been no hard times but we talk a lot and I love him and accept him as he does to me to. The one thing that makes me sad sometimes is that some people (few but still some) in my life doesnt fully understand him... they think he is lovely but i feel they do not fully grasp him as a person.. maybe they dont understand ADHD i am not sure. So they perceive him as possibly distant or detached and have told me to make the right decisions for myself, taking into account they are not in my relationship that they dont really know the correct thing. I am totally happy, we as a team research ADHD if we feel its a barrier in our relationship and have made steps to make sure it doesnt become a parent-child dynamic (as we have observed that could really easily happen)... i was just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience where others can percieve your relationship as possibly 'odd' or dont fully grasp your relationship and if this is normal 

  • by: pathfinder - 2 days 3 hours ago

    Hello everyone.  I have been married to my ADHD wife for four years and we have an 18 month old daughter together.  She was diagnosed as a child and only temporarily tried medication.  We have both always acknowledge her ADHD, but I am only now beginning to understand it.  Our relationship is quite stereotypical among the stories I have read so far.  I was simply her sole focus when we met.  I am active duty military and was making a cross country move for my job three months after we started dating; so I brought her with me and we moved in together.  We were married a year after that.  Two years later, our daughter was born.  I supported the household financially while she stayed at home.  We eventually fell into a pattern you are all probably familiar with, she would spend money impulsively, constantly lose her keys, leave things laying around the house; while I nagged her more and more and became more angry and frustrated.  Nonetheless, we continued on.  There are many things we do well as a couple which lead me to believe that we have  good marriage overall.  Our sex life has slowed, but I had been in a prior failed marriage and our sex life is better than the one in my prior marriage, so it never set off a red flag to me. We do a great job of parenting and discuss major life decisions before moving on them.  We had our hurdles, but managed.

    One of the major decisions we made together was for me to leave the military.  We are both from the same general area, so once our daughter came into the world, we decided it was time for a career change that would allow me to spend more time and home as well as allow us to raise our daughter closer to our families.  I still had a nine month deployment ahead of me that I already had orders for.  My position requires me to travel a lot, even when I'm at my home station, but never more than four weeks at a time. I typically was gone about 10-14 days consecutively once per month.  We decided that we would purchase a home near our families, and my wife and daughter would move there to be near them during my deployment.  When the deployment was complete and my military time over, I would move in and we would start a chapter in life we had been working toward for years.

    Everything went well for the first four months; we got to talk on the phone or video chat almost daily,  we were sending one another notes and gifts,  and she had begun spending time with my sister almost daily.  After the holidays, she planned a two week visit to a female friend of hers in another state.  Her friend went through a pretty ugly divorce about the time we were pregnant with our daughter.  It was this time that she became very distant with me.  It was almost if it happened over night.  She was no longer the giving person to me she once was.  She came back home and her family noticed it too.  They tried planning events and including her in things to get her out.  She stopped interacting with my sister.  She planned another week to visit her friend.....This would be about seven months in to my deployment.

    The night that she made it back to her friend's place she informed me over the phone that she was no longer "in it" and was thinking of taking our daughter and starting a new life out of state.  He one week trip has now become five.  I'm half way around the world and have no ability to actually talk to her face to face.  Her family is as consfused as I am.  Her father has become my best friend during this ordeal.  I haven't really let my family know anything out of my wanting to  protect her.  She sited my increasing anger, our bickering, and our diminishing sex life as reasons why the marriage is "unhealthy"  It was a marriage I would consider to need some improvement in some areas, but would never use the word "unhealty".  She said it was an unhealthy environment to raise our daughter in as well. I found out that our mortgage hadn't been paid in two months.  She seems to have simply made up her mind this is what she is going to do, without regard for anyone else.

    Since she gave me this news, I have been researching relationship issues with every free moment I can.  I ran across the ADHD correlation and the more I read about it; the more I felt like I was reading about my wife and I.  I finally brought it up to her.  I wrote her a letter exclaiming my excitement that I thought I was on to something and the best part was that neither of us was to blame.  If we addressed the ADHD symptoms, we stood a chance of really addressing the majority of the grievances in the marriage.  She responed by taking offense to it and by telling me getting treatment would be changing who she is; just because she loses her keys a lot doesn't mean there's anything deeper to understand.  I still have about a month and a half before I am home and get to see her again.

    From hearing many of your experiences, she manages daily life better than many with ADHD.   I think I overwhelmed her with the responsiblity of a new house and a toddler while being gone so long.  There may be issues outside of the ADHD as well; I'm starting to think she feels resentment for me deploying.  I really thought that I had it all when I got on the plane.  Thinking about my wife, daughter, and the future life we had put the foundation down for was really helping me keep my spirits high while away.  Suddenly, it's as if she is trying to leave her life completely behind and start a new one.  Does ADHD have a part in her making such a drastic impulse decision?  If so, to what extent is it driving her?  I still want the wife, daughter, home, and life I thought I had.  What are some effective ways to approach her and our situation?

  • by: simonda - 2 days 13 hours ago

    I have been with my significant other with ADHD for almost 2 years. He recently got back on his meds, so things have been getting a little better. One major issue we have and cannot seem to fix is being intimate together. My spouse has never been in a relationship until we started dating, and has never had any sexual relations with anyone before me. He says he gets major anxiety about doing anything sexual with me and avoids it completely. When we have tried things in the past, he said it doesn't feel the same or it feels weird and he is never able to climax...so now he will come up with excuses like he's tired, not in the mood, just wants to relax, etc. to avoid any type of interaction. We have never had a full (beginning to end) sexual experience with each other. He doesn't have ED or low testosterone. We have gone to doctors, counselors, even a sexual health specialist - nothing has helped. I'm wondering if his anxiety and another person touching him is because of ADHD and if so, if anyone else has any experience on this issue. I am desperate to find out ways to help my spouse. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I need to have an intimate relationship and I want children. I feel like I've tried everything to help him become relaxed and comfortable with the idea of sharing intimate experiences together. Please help! 

Pages