Monday will be my 30th wedding anniversary. Regulars here know my story; suffice it to say that my husband deserted me and has irretrievably broken the relationship. My emotions don't allow me to ignore the anniversary but I'd like to do something positive (and inexpensive), easy or challenging, to mark the day (one I don't feel fondly about) but also to mark my resolve to keep going on my own. Any thoughts?
by: Rosered -
7 hours 44 min ago
by: dvance -
11 hours 36 min ago
Okay everyone--reality check here. DH and I got into a BIG argument this morning. Here's the deal--we see a marriage counselor on Fridays at 5:30 when he is in town. We have not been able to see the counselor with any regularity because of how much DH travels for business and we really need it! So it's been three weeks since we have seen the guy AND YET... Our oldest son is a JV water polo player (sophomore) and he is really good so this evening the coach put him on the varsity team. That is huge. It's at a school about 40 minutes away. The bus leaves right after school so they have time to get settled and warm up before a 5:30 game. But...this morning DH says to me that he forgot we have our counselor appointment and he has to cancel because oldest son took a 45 lifeguard shift at the Y (that is his regular job) and then DH is going to drive him out to the water polo game. DH told him he could do that. Um, WHAT??? WHAT??? First of all, I would bet that if you don't ride the bus with the team you won't be playing with the team, and secondly--a 45 minute shift? He only makes $8.00 for an hour--how much can he possibly make in 45 minutes--maybe $4.50 after taxes? And for DH to get him to a 5:30 game right at rush hour on a Friday night is going to be darn near impossible. This school is 40 minutes away in no traffic. And we will be charged $120 for the missed counselor appointment. I sat down at the breakfast table with hubby and oldest son and spoke in a really calm neutral voice about how upset I was about this and DH was furious with me. I got the whole "you are 100% right and I am 100% wrong-you never make mistakes-I am a screw up" speech (which I could pretty much recite right along with him at this point...). I was standing in the kitchen door at one point and he shoved me out of the way. Oldest son is now mad at me that I made such a big deal of this and that I upset Daddy because "Daddy can't take it". Since when is he such a delicate flower??? And what is oldest son thinking, not riding the bus with the team??? The appointment is in our google calendar that I maintain for the family that DH has access to although he rarely gets it right when putting info on it and he doesn't have it on his phone, despite me asking him to put it there and him saying he will. He says he didn't think to look at the calendar. Well, then what do we have it for?
And--of course I make mistakes, so how do I respond to that? Of course I forget things. Of course I have double-scheduled things and then had to rearrange, so what do I say back to him for this? Generally speaking, my mistakes don't cost us $120 though. Are my standards too high not even for an ADHD person but for anyone??? And then he sent this long involved text to the counselor explaining in minute detail every little thing he did wrong in this circumstance and saying three times how it was his fault and how sorry he was. really??? was that necessary???? what is the point of that other than to look like a poor me victim. I mean seriously dude--just say we have to cancel, something came up. My goodness. So now DH is mad that I made what he thinks is a big deal about a small thing and oldest son is mad that I upset Daddy. It's going to be a long weekend. DH leaves on business again on Tuesday morning. Ugh. Leave now please....
help--somebody say something helpful--
by: Falling Apart -
1 day 9 hours ago
I don’t know if I am writing this for advice or for someone to share my pain…….I simply can’t see my future anymore. I so crave happily ever after and for so many years have just lived day to day, hour to hour. I wish I had a magic wand to fix it all ….
I am married for over 10 years to an ADHD Biopolar man. My hubby found out 3 years ago. I would like to give you a brief history and seek your advice. Truthfully I am trying to answer the following questions and hope that your experience can guide me:
Do I stay with my husband for my child to be happy?
Would the lies ever stop?
Why do I feel like I owe my husband something or I need to fix him and why can’t I make him better.He wants to be better but never wants to do something consistently to help himself.
If I leave my husband and he does something bad to himself, how will I live with myself especially since my mom committed suicide when I was very young?
My hubby in a nutshell. My hubby has been diagnosed ADHD and Bipolar. He is an extrovert, fun person who loves to socialise. He is also a gambling addict who does weed, and is highly depressive when he has no money. He has lost millions in the casino and refuses to ban himself. He has beautiful dreams of grandeur, success, money. However these have always remained dreams. He finished high school. While working I encouraged him to study however he never finished his studies. He could not hold down a job in the corporate sector and started his own construction company while I supported him financially.
Me in a nutshell: I use to be a quiet, peaceful, loving, introvert who use to love to swim, read and hike. When I look at the mirror now I see a highly critical person who feels like a single mom of two kids. My hubby feels like my second child. I have become nagging, easily irritated, and constantly lecture my husband on his lack of accountability. Besides that I have grown very successful in my career and am about to start my masters.
Our marriage has always been problematic, even before we married. We use to fight every week. I had huge trust issues as I caught him staying with his old girlfriend and eventually forgave it. When we fought he would always break something or tell me that he is going to crash his car or teach me a lesson. I have tried committing suicide a few times when I couldn’t handle it anymore, clearly I didn’t get it right.
He only hit me three times. The only one being really bad was over a year ago where he pummelled me till I collapsed. I would like to say that it was my fault, I threw a plastic spatula at him and it actually hit him.
As of last year November, we have stopped fighting. And so my child was born to this environment of fighting until last November when we have just stopped fighting. We had to stop. Our child who has ADHD and ODD was affected to the point of him almost being thrown out of prestigious private school.
My child’s bday wish this year was for us to be a happy family.
My husband has a serious gambling addiction and until two years ago, I could always bail him out. I didn’t realise the extent of his addiction until he maxed out all my credit cards. I don’t know if I didn’t see the signs or I chose not be see it as I was busy growing my career.
Through the years, he has literally bankrupted me. I fall into a high income bracket though we live in a low income home. My income pays for everything from groceries, school fees, medical aid, etc. What frustrates me that one month’s work for my hubby can equal or better four months of my pay.
He is completely depressed when he has no money and literally sleeps and watches TV all day. He has taken my bank cards out of my wallet and has recently taken our child’s money which was a substantial financial gift by his grandfather and gambled it away. He said that he used it as a down payment on a job he is starting but I can see the lies and the depressive symptoms setting in. It like a show on repeat and I keep seeing it year after year.
My hubby and I have no intimacy. He is more of a friend than a husband. He said he had erectile issues for the last 8 years. Lasts year I caught him fooling around with another female. Their messages implied sex however he said that he never actually have sex with her. And the reason he did it was to feel like a man again. I don’t make him feel worthwhile.
The stress of the lies, gambling, financial instability, being the person who carries the family’s burden has led me to have a mild heart attack in my 30’s.
I am not sure how to make my childs wish come true and still survive. If I ever leave him, it is my home, I support my entire family so he would have to leave …. And he has nowhere to go….. he has no real friends and no family to count on……
by: TC99 -
3 days 21 hours ago
My partner is an adult in her 40's and has diagnosed ADHD.
She is on meds (ritalin generic) and wants to have a baby. I have to do most of the housework as she either can't concentrate, sees it as beneath her or is just lazy, the effect is the same though, I have to do it. . I despair at the thought of all the work that having a baby entails knowing that she will probably do less and I will have to do most of it.
She is hugely argumentative and drinks far too much. I am thinking that if she shouts any more and points her finger at me I will say enough, you're dumped.
Problem is I love her very much. Any help gratefully received.
by: screenshot -
4 days 13 hours ago
I have been dating an ADHD guy for 6 months. He was diagnosed 6 years ago, in his late 20s. Since then he took Ritalin from time to time, like when he has an interview, etc. A month ago, he started Adderall, at 10mg a day, but he only took it on “as needed” basis (not the doctor’s order) – i.e. whenever he needs to give a presentation at work. On the days that he does need to give a presentation, he usually stays up all night to prepare, pops a pill in the morning then during lunch. I thought things were going well in the first week, until the burst of rage, name calling, insult, belittling.
His family was in town for a week. On the first night they arrived (one day earlier than planned, which I didn’t know), he invited to dinner with them last minute. Since I had plans that day with my friends already, I just said “ have a good time with ur folks, I will see them this weekend. I will be out with my friends tonight”. He told me to tell him where I was going, to which I didn’t reply precisely, because I didn’t know. Then I didn’t check my phone for 2 hrs when I was out. The amount of verbal abuse over the text as astonishing when I did check my messages close to mid-night, calling me a selfish idiot, having a sex orgy, untrustworthy, making him homeless – because he needed a place to stay having given his apt to his parents for their stay. Saying he could not trust me at all, because he has told me about this for 2 weeks. And then, when I went home, he was just sitting there like a zombie at my apartment lobby. This was the adderall day.
Since that incident, I tried to avoid seeing him on his adderall days, but his mood, anger, distrust were all getting out of control. One night, after his folks took us to dinner, where his dad treated us, he threw a rage at me after the dinner for not having gestured to pick up the check (I had done that for our previous dinner with the family and his dad repeated said he will treat us back). That night, he said I don’t think this is going to work out, to which I replied “sure, fine. bye” The second day, he bought flowers.
He became extremely difficult to please, nothing I do is right. I am on constant fear of when he will blow up next. I helped with his presentation one night, towards the end, he said, just leave it, I will deal with it. Second day he said I had committed an “unheard of career sabotage” – because I didn’t finish his slides for him. That morning, he needed me to wake him up at 5am, I woke up to his 4:50 alarm, which I then turned off, made him coffee (which he asked for the night before) then woke him up at 5. He was outraged, because I had turned off his alarm. He also thinks I am putting stuff in his food/drinks to kill him and pin it on his ex so she gets deported.
The past weekend, I went to DC, didn’t answer his texts for 8 hours, partly scared of what I would see after all the outburst before and partly because I was busy with my god son’s bday party. I eventually checked his messages (which he repeated in all means of electronic communication, email, text, instant msg apps), snapping a picture of DC sent it over snapchat. He again threw a rage, saying I intentionally put the picture timer to be 3 seconds instead of my usual 10s to deceive him, that I think he is dumb and that “my shady behavior disgusts him and that I make it impossible for him to trust me.” When he asked me Sunday afternoon “when are you coming back” to which I replied “7:30”, he again blasted me because I didn’t specify “am/pm” and said “why is it a scuffle just to ask simple information, that I turn every interaction with him into a scuffle, and he doesn’t have energy to scuffle with me and can’t stand it anymore and I need to drastically change my behavior.”
I am lost and second guess everything I do myself, even when he is not around. The other day, when my friend offered me a dab of hand cream and when I reached out my hand to receive it after 5 seconds (after finishing a text), I caught myself thinking, omg I hope she is wont get angry and yell at me (of course my friend would never do that), I should have put out my hand quicker… I am so sorry…
I am scared at this point. I don’t know if it’s ADHD, the adderall, other issues or just the person.
by: roseamongstthorns -
4 days 14 hours ago
I am new here and this is my first post. I am the non-ADHD partner. My partner of one year is not diagnosed (and he has an aversion to most things in the realm of psychology that involves a diagnosis) but I have suspected for some time he has ADD. I am hoping that I might be able to get some insight by posting some information about our current situation as many of the posts I have read here have been really helpful and have felt like they are hitting really close to home.
Our biggest issue is communication. We have found that often he will say something in the heat of an argument or a heavily emotional conversation that will seem very harsh, out of the blue, or completely contradictory to something he has told me before when we are not in a similar situation. To give some examples: once he was telling me about a situation with a work colleague who holds a value that is different from our own. My partner started saying things that were against our values, failing to mention that he was thinking through how he would try and emphasise with this work colleague out loud. I got upset, thought he was contradicting earlier conversations. This in turn upset him as he couldn't understand why I was upset. Once we had calmed down and tried to talk about it again, it emerged he was thinking out loud. I had no clue of this at the time. He told me that I should have given him the benefit of the doubt based on knowing him - and he's completely right (I have my own set of insecurities my reaction played into) but it is also true that I had no idea how he was thinking out loud or processing the situation.
Another example was when we were discussing something pretty innocent, and I referenced a previous example of a disagreement we had got into. My purpose was not to revisit the disagreement but to simply use it as an example. Anyway, he started revisiting the disagreement and said something that I was trying to change what he watched on TV (I had gone out of my way to make sure I never once said this in the disagreement, and I did in fact say this to him on multiple occasions - I had no intention of changing him). I then got upset because I thought he didn't believe my intention (not to change him, that I had never asked him to stop watching certain shows). This escalated pretty quickly because I was hurt and I am not very good at being calm or rational when I am hurt.
When we revisited this once we had calmed down (he is very good at revisiting conversations or disagreements and he will preserve until we both feel "right" again), it turned out that he was thinking out loud again. Instead of telling me how he felt (which is how I interpreted it) he was simply voicing the thought processes to try and come to a conclusion. I found this really hard to get my head around until later in the day when he told me that he found it really hard to be able to think about anything in the middle of me being hurt/springing something on him that felt emotional (in this instance because I had referenced a previous disagreement he immediately felt on edge and emotional), and that he basically shuts down. One of his attempts at overriding this is thinking out loud.
It became even more clear during a few moments where we were just messing around and having fun together. He was trying to come up with rhyming words (who knows why? Lol) and he was saying them out loud. A few times the words did not rhyme and he said, again out loud "no, that's not right." It suddenly dawned on me that he was unable to realise that the words did not rhyme until he had said them out loud and he was then able to consider them properly. Suddenly a lot of things made sense and I began to connect the dots. All of the disagreements we had about things he had said were not because he meant them himself, which is what I always took it as being, but it was simply his way of processing something. His cognitive processes make more sense out loud. I do my thinking in my head and he only gets the conclusion. It seemed like such a revelation. I mentioned it to him, and we talked about it a bit, where he confirmed certain things to me.
Other things I have noticed:
he's practically unable to hold a proper conversation or reply to me, or sometimes even listen, if we are in an environment with a lot of noise, actions, visual stimulus etc.
his time keeping is pretty poor. He's often late to things and doesn't understand the frustration
on the whole he is very lazy (he sleeps a crazy amount), and he finds it very hard to motivate himself to do anything without prompting. He tells me that he does want to do the things and to please tell him/prompt him/initiate going out etc. but finds it hard to do himself
He considers himself selfish, and in some ways he is - his favourite pastime is playing video games and he would do this for hours and hours every single night, without fail, if he could get away with it. His default reaction when I suggest something out of his normal routine (which includes seeing me two days a week) is to say no - again, he says this is him processing it and thinking out loud but of course it's hard for me to override that response to wait and hear what else he has to say.
His confidence is very low because of all of these and he thinks he is stupid because of the way his mind works. He's really not stupid.
He is very observant and he sees things I do not. As a writer, I envy his perception
He is incredibly loyal, incredibly genuine and very open with his emotions. I think we would have big issues if this wasn't the case. A lot of the insecurities I have that are fuelled by his thinking that I outlined above are calmed by the other things he says and does.
He is very smart and dedicates himself when he truly wants to. I wish he could believe he is smart.
He is literally the nicest person I know. He goes out of his way to help people, he knows right from wrong, he acts like a gentleman and treats me like a lady.
He tries. So so hard. Which leads me onto my conclusion...
I realise how hard he tries, and I want to help him. Especially now it has dawned on me what he does and how he processes things and how hard he takes it when I get upset. I am devoted to him and our relationship and I want to make this as good as I can. I was wondering if any of the above hits a nerve with anyone? If anyone can offer insight? If there are any tips?
by: Vivien -
5 days 3 hours ago
Recently, I asked my husband if it appears to him that I move like lightning. Meaning, is he ever in awe of how fast I take care of things, how fast I can clean a bathroom, how I can go to the grocery store and back in less than an hour with food for the week purchased? (not just a gallon of milk). And he said YES! This is not a hateful slam on him....it was just really nice to see that he sees me. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for him to not be able to do that. I am really working on understanding it from his side.
by: jennalemone -
5 days 15 hours ago
We have come to a point (40 years of marriage) where we cannot talk to each other any more. I can barely look at him anymore. I look at him and see all the times he ignored me and hurt my feelings and manipulated me...maybe it was all unintentional but it still affects a person to be so un-valued and demeaned. It is said we should NOT take other people's actions or even words personally. I tried to do that on a daily basis for 40 years. You know what happens when you stuff your real feelings and think you are strong enough to rationalize in neglectful, hurtful situations? One day you wake up and feel that you have never been loved or appreciated. And they (those people who feel entitled to only positive feelings) feel like they have done a great job...( to which you were the catalyst and contributor). One day you wake up and realize you have just been an extention of their wants and needs and YOU have not lived a life of integrity or joy yourself. You have been pretending things are GOOD ENOUGH. One day you realize that you don't even know WHAT you want or need because all you ever wanted since you had your own family was that your family be healthy, functional and loved. Then, when it is all over, you access your SELF. You did good by them. Pitched in and conversed the best you could with what you know how to do. Learned how to do things better so you ALL could have a nice life. WHY do you now NOT feel good about your SELF?
I realize now that I have been his fool. Just his tool. He has manipulated me all these years with empty promises and taking advantage. He knew my vulnerabilities because I was always open with him about my true thoughts and feelings. He used me to look good to the outside world....like things were normal about him. Nice clean, organized house, good children, nice wife. But HE was living an independent life. He would enjoy the comforts and stability of home when home was pleasant and things were taken care of. But if things were difficult or rocky or there was something to work through or converse or decide....he was overwhelmed and retreated to diversions so that HE did not have to FEEL the difficult feelings that come with ordinary life. He preferred to give his attention to things that were FUN, funny, happy and pleasure. I have been a single mom with one big oaf that came to the family when it was time to enjoy and play. But was missing in action when things needed to be sorted out and attended to....even money issues. He was not been able to TALK about money or spending. Not able? Or not willing - so he could independently spend and keep? I don't know since he does not talk.
He told me I am not fun enough and that happiness (my happiness in particularly) should come from the inside. He said I should work on my self. He said I worry too much....that is OUR problem...that I worry. This after 40 years of my over-functioning for the both of us.....I am not fun enough. I know what that means. Someone or some others in his life (with which he has no responsibilities or expectation) is more fun. Either that or ... he is a depressed recluse who prefers drinking beer and doing crossword puzzles and listening to the radio than to being a contributing partner in a family structure.
by: Dinah -
5 days 19 hours ago
This is my first post here. I've been together with my boyfriend, B, for almost three years, including a lot of long distance but also time living together (now we live an hour and a half drive away from each other so I see him every week-end). I read Melissa's book about two years ago, when B mentioned he'd had some trouble with ADD in the past, and it was absolutely illuminating. B was diagnosed with PTSD as well due to childhood traumas and has in general had a very tough life. Since we've been together we've helped each other a lot, he's now back in school (it's very difficult for him but he receives help from the school and has a prescription for Ritalin and anxiety medication that doesn't always help enough though) and we're working on understanding each other better.
Obviously there are ups and downs, we've just come out of a tough period but we always manage to reconnect and learn from what happened.
My question is this: while my boyfriend acknowledges that he has ADD and PTSD and that they have an impact on him and us, he doesn't like discussing it too much because he doesn't want to be defined by his "problems". If people take issue with his behavior, he takes it very personally and gets defensive (which spirals into yelling and crying matches when I'm myself feeling vulnerable for whatever reason and don't have the strength or ability to be soothing and rational). It's happened a few times now that members of my family witnessed such "episodes" of his (they live in a different country so we only see them every once in a while): one sibling saw him freak out and yell at a neighbor for what turned out to be a misunderstanding; one got very scared when B had a meltdown while he was driving us because we asked him to slow down (it's an old and tricky car) and he felt we were "attacking him" and "not trusting him"; and my parents saw him get verbally aggressive with an airport authority person when B felt cornered with all the (routine) security questions we were being asked.
Because of this, several members of my family have already approached me and told me that they worry about me, one even thought that B was physically violent towards me. They were especially shocked because they usually see him playing with the kids for hours, helping out in the kitchen, fixing electric appliances around the house when we visit my family, being caring and supporting towards me etc., all the typical ADHD qualities that make us fall in love with them in the first place... I tried to reassure them as well as I could by saying he was under a lot of stress at those times, but I know they worry that I'm in denial and possibly in an abusive relationship.
What should I do? On the one hand, I respect that B doesn't want his private life (and the state of his brain) to be a subject of discussion with his in-laws. On the other, I cannot stand the looks of worry and the whispers behind my back - it's embarrassing, it's damaging to my relationship with my family and with B, and I just wish I could tell them that it's not his fault, that he's working hard to control his emotions and that jeez, I'm not getting beat up or something!
I just want them to see him as the amazing person that he is, loving, fun, caring, attentive, he makes me happy - and not be side-tracked by some bad ADHD/PTSD-triggered episodes.
Have you been in such a situation? What did you do? How did it play out? What course of action would you recommend? I'd really appreciate your help.
by: Geese -
1 week 1 day ago
I went home mid afternoon and had my first run in with the angry insulting and belittling wife I thought miraculously went away since I started treatment. In the middle of a very busy day she called to say that she was feeling overwhelmed and needed my support at home. So I wriggled out of some nonessential work tasks and went home. I did say that there was still some office work that needed to be done and asked her to be tolerant of phone calls, emails and other sudden needs to do work. The whole time she basically angrily yelled at me for what I was saying to our preschooler, for having no sense of time and for being an expletive that can't be reprinted here. She doesn't believe that ADHD exists, that I have it or that the medicine is working. So she attacked that too. "that medicine you are taking is not working". Honestly I don't know if it is or not. It feels like it is. I am getting more work done in the last week than ever before. I think I've been better at home. But then again, if part of this ailment is not knowing how annoying and a pain you are, then I wouldn't know whether any of this is just one big hallucination. Anyway, I didn't argue back and really just didn't see the point of stirring the pot. I am going to go with the assumption that I am on the right track and that she is just having a bad day and choosing to take it out on me.