Recent Topics

  • by: Best2You - 31 min 38 sec ago

    Please help. I am considering divorce and need your honest advise!!! I’ve been married for 11+ years but have been with my husband for 15+ years. Throughout our years together we’ve been much in love, very close, and have supported each other in tough times. No major fights.

    The one thing I’ve never liked about him are his angry outbursts/frustration. He’s always had them, but I figured I would put up since most things were good between us. They began to really bother me when we first had our kids though, (now 6 and 3) and they are slowly getting worse... major overreactions to simple things like spilled water, hard time dealing with their crying/tantrums/demands at times, yelling, swear words (at the incident, not at them) etc some times, they don’t last long, but the lashing out hurts and he seems to forget it soon after it happens.

    I thought he had to develop more patience, but after my recent research on ADHD I realized he has the symptoms of the hyperactive/impulsive type, (found out I had the ADD type also). Our special connection/love, the outbursts and many things started making sense then. I told him to look into ADHD but he does not believe in it, or says he if he has it then his symptoms are under control, which I know is not true. My oldest has actually started requesting I drive to avoid all the yelling/frustration and impatience when dad drives. He also occasionally explodes at me (yelling, sarcasm, swear words at situation) about other things unnecessarily, which I’ve been very patient with and I’m finally starting to get fed up. I scream back at him and don’t let him tell me what I should do. He also says inappropriate comments about me or others in front of people, luckily we don’t have family close by or even socialize with others very much.

    We have great times together as a family but these outbursts around the kids make me super anxious. I ask the kids to go watch TV to another room, or eat before he gets home, to minimize the possibility of an outburst. I find myself often walking on eggshells so we don’t upset him. When I see he’s about to lose it with the kids, I step in and redirect them, or find a way of moving them away, like shielding them from his outbursts. He doesn’t want me stepping on his toes when he’s disciplining them, but I cannot just watch him mistreat them with his screaming and rough demeanor. He’s not physical but the intensity of the raised voice and body language leave you wondering what the hell is wrong. The kids (who show ADHD symptoms) need a lot of patience, and these outburst don’t help. It feels good and relaxing when I'm home or in the car just with the kids.

    Although intimacy rarely happens with us nowadays, I still feel that old soulmate connection with him especially when we are alone, and we laugh together, and talk about anything, and it makes me think things aren’t that bad. Then an outburst happens and it’s like an ice bucket. They can happen daily (the computer, the kids, the traffic, waiting in line at the store, the game, a news article, etc.) I know I cannot just keep ignoring them; they are not going away.

    I need energy to be a good mother to my two children and this drains me every day. He says I cannot expect everyone to act like me. He has his "unique way of dealing with things” and I should respect it. I was raised in a peaceful and quiet household and feel I need this type of environment now more than ever. His home was full of turmoil with daily arguments from his parents who ended up in a bad place in old age. I’m a worrier and part of me feels like my husband's outbursts may get progressively worse with the kids, and now is a good time to split rather than stay hoping for the best. At least that is what I see when reading some of the stories from people with grown kids, regretting not having taken the divorce step earlier.

    I can be intimidated/frozen by problems sometimes, but I can be courageous and do anything I must for my kids. I need your help. Please advise!! 
     

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 day 7 hours ago

    Last night my spouse asked if we can "afford" for him and our son to attend the construction convention they have attended the past 2 years in February.  

    My INTERNAL response was jumping up and ranting, What do you mean afford - How many times have I said I do not want to talk business and finances after 9 pm -  Have you even looked at our financial status - even once - since you got mad AT ME about the past dues taxes - and on and on and on.

    Rather, I sighed and said it was too late in the day for me to think about finances.

    This morning I said to him "I think the real question is do you guys want to attend the convention.  Is it beneficial?  Do you get something from it?  If so, we just need to plan it.  And work out the financial end in advance."

    And he said, yes, they wanted to go.

    Just wanted to mention this is all about me here in this post.  Just want to mention it is incredibly difficult to do this in this way.  Just want to mention that my own brain is focusing on me and what I do and what I want.  

    This is some really hard stuff.

     

  • by: IMust - 1 day 8 hours ago

    Hello ladies and gentleman,

    This is my first post. I am a middle aged man in his early 50s. I have ADD symptoms. Although I am intelligent, tests have shown that my processing speed is not as fast as it can be in some area.  This might be due to depression, self loathing, or just because of a brain inflicted by ADD. I really am not sure. 

    I am college educated. I have a Bachelor's degree. In addition, I have a lot of computer skills. Unfortunately, my work history is poor given someone of my age. Don't get me wrong, I like to work. I like to think I am a hard worker. I show up every day on time and leave on time, for the most part. However, my work history has suffered because of attention issues, but mostly because of issues with depression and moods.  I have not had a full time job since 2009! And like I stated above, my work history is poor. I desperately want to change this.

    My work issues are affecting my marriage. It is affecting my self esteem. And I fear I am a bad influence on my daughters.

    Is there hope? I am looking into Executive Function and how it might be improved in my life. Also, perhaps a low dosage of Adderall.

    I hope there is hope. I am tired of this.

    Thanks.

     

  • by: c ur self - 1 day 11 hours ago

    My wife had a birthday back in July...She had made several comments (lustful and jealous in nature :))....over the past year, concerning her feelings about my Costa's (sunglasses)...So, like a good husband (not that I am one) I went down to the shop and tried to find a pair I though would look nice on her...I could not decide between White, Pink, and brown...Although I did rule out the pink...And because comfort is so important, I got her a gift card for the exact amount w/ tax....

    She has lost that darn thing at least twice...LOL...When I asked her why she hasn't went to get her glasses, she tells me...I want to try on every pair they have, and I don't want the sales girls to be upset with me:(...REALLY?...lol.....Oh, well...She's special....

    I posted this, because as lite as I'm trying to make it...My true feelings about her reasonability level when it comes to throwing around an 184.00 gift card is not so lite....What I am trying to do in my own life is separate my expectations for myself from any I would place on her...Acceptance in this case like all cases promotes low stress levels and accountability...I'm not looking for the thing again...Well, if she says please, maybe.:)

  • by: Hysterical37 - 2 days 9 hours ago

    I must say that I can relate to everyone else's posts.

    The worst is the loneliness. The hyper focus on the computer and the virtual social life that he created on Facebook that I am excluded from, and the safety in intimacy with strangers, which avoids any intimacy with me, be it social, personal or sexual. I wonder what he is doing here at all, just sitting there, would he even notice if I was gone. This is the real problem and the chaos and the support that he needs for that are draining and that makes the above all the more painful.

    It is almost like an implicit agreement that I give him what he needs otherwise he does not cope well.

    When I assert my needs and start to put boundaries in he says that I am a bully, that I am misinterpreting him, when I am holding him to account for his actions and asking him to do something about it.

    There is a lot of positives but i'm starting to wonder how much of it is adhd and if it is consciously manipulative, like calling me a bully when he cannot get his own way, that has probably worked in the past or calling me tactless and saying that he is not the only one to point it out (which is true). 

    Also the damage that he causes and the fact that he does not listen until the talking becomes shouting because I am so frustrated with having the same conversation over and over again and not getting anywhere. He lacks common sense, he super glued the slats of our bed to the rails so they do not move anymore he draped wet sheets over the furniture to dry off as it would give them a larger surface area.He broke the sofa, the bed, ruined my sheets, mattress and bedlinen and then thought I was being petty until I added up the cost in concrete terms and told him it came to nearly £1000. Then he whinged to his therapist about going to Ikea, he did not say that I had asked him to go to make him accountable for paying for damaged items, he just made it sound like I was forcing him to go and when I asked him he said it was fine, but then sulked about and threw me resentful glances all the way there, during and back again. So when I said that I asked you if you wanted to go and you said yes, it's not my fault that you can't say no and are not prepared to make amends or fix the damage that you caused and if I was really fair I should have charged him for the petrol it cost to get there as he doesn't drive, I was a bully again.

    The latest thing is sweating ammonia, I have empathy for him but it causes a lot of work, he says all you have to do is talk to me, but he never listens and never does anything about it, causing me to get frustrated and resentful as I have to do it as I cannot live in a house like that, my legs itch and now I had an infection on my leg which made me ill for a week, though the cause cannot be directly attributed to that, it did not make it easy to keep the wound clean when I was running around like an idiot trying to keep on top of everything while feeling like crap. 

    I really don't know what else to say as I read this back it makes him sound awful, but I also know that a lot of it is not conscious and that making someone responsible is a long lengthy process. 

  • by: dweeb - 5 days 7 hours ago

    I don’t know. I don't know what I should do anymore. Many of the things my husband has done I am still trying to figure out if they belong to his personality or his ADD.

    For instance, my husband has lied about BIG things like spending money allocated to his bills (more than once), to lying about teeny tiny things like cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry during the day.

    Also, he’s a man with a worthless word (meaning, he’ll say I’m not drinking tonight, or I’m going to clean the bathroom right now, I’m going to read about this that and the other and almost NEVER does/follow through). It’s hard to take him at his word because 1. He’s never held himself accountable for his words and 2. Sometimes seems like he’ll say ANYTHING…..

    And that sentence above is a good segue into my next point in which is that he doesn’t know himself enough to stand firm on something he believes in, which in turn makes him argue in circles….NOTHING is more frustrating than pointing out to your spouse that he is currently arguing the side you are on, when we only started arguing because he stood firmly on the other side. He continually asks for support, but how do I support him when I don’t even know where he stands? It’s so confusing.

    Also stemming from above, he can’t be direct about ANYTHING! For instance this conversation transpired one day on the way home in the car:
    Husband: so I thought about it, aaaand I don’t want to have kids with my sperm
    Me: ooook???? How did you come to that conclusion
    Husband: well I spoke with so and so and basically he regrets having kids because they face the problems he faced as a kid and it’s horrible blah blah blah blah blah
    Me: ok well then I agree…..
    Husband: I KNEW YOU DIDN’T want to have kids with me! I knew it, thanks for making me feel like a piece of sh!t……………..

    This type of set up and conversation happens on a regular basis: the trap n’ bait type conversation…..so very frustrating! Then to top it off, he goes back on his word after that. “I always wanted kids, it’s you that doesn’t!”

    He comes across as LAZY! If it’s cleaning then he doesn’t want to do it, in fact, if my husband doesn’t want to do something he will come up with the most ridiculous excuses including: I asked him to stop at the pharmacy for something a while back when he went out to get smokes and gas (the gas station and the pharmacy are literally across the street from each other!!) he came back without whatever it was that I asked for and told me that he didn’t want to waste gas starting the car twice so he didn’t go to the pharmacy….and he was serious, like it was a logical explanation and was upset I didn’t accept that as a valid response.

    When we first moved in together we set out a list of chores for the both of us, and he’s not gone ONE week without accomplishing everything on his chore list, NOT ONE WEEK! Furthermore, the weight and responsibility of the house and our daughter's wellbeing lies squarely on me, despite trying to guilt me into giving him more responsibility. He constantly asked for more responsibility re: us, the house, our daughter but then I ask him about the things he’s responsible for (even outside the chores) and he’s not taken care of any of them…..

    Also, the minute I feel put out/hurt/angry etc he’s defensive and can’t connect to what I’m saying. Like if I’m hurt by how he handled the situation/something he doesn’t understand.

    I’m at a point now where I want to walk away.  I’m tired of making an effort and having him continue to point out flaws in them.  I’m tired of coming home to a disaster because his intent was to clean up the minute before I got home and he forgot.  I’m tired of him saying what he feels like, knowing full well that it’s hurtful only to apologize about it later.  I’m tired of the childishness behaviour.  I’m tired of taking the brunt of everything!  Picked on, despite my efforts, his laziness, his excuses, his lies, his self-entitlement and right now, his self-righteousness.

    He’s burnt his bridge with a few of my family members, promising to do them some carpentry work and never did, he’s burned his bridges with a few of my friends because when he stole $600 from the family pot with only my income to support us both, I broke down in tears asking them for help on what I should do about the bills that were going to bounce, my parents no longer have patience for him, they don’t trust him, agree with his actions, and they certainly don’t respect him….

    So I wonder, is it really worth it to move on….. he’s ruined his relationship with so many people I’m close to, I’d hate to think it would remain as such for ever, will I ever have a clean house where both partners contribute, someone who will listen to my feelings and address them, someone who can admit to his faults and work at trying to improve them…..will I ever have an adult as a partner, and not a child?  Cause I’m not sure how much more I can handle……

  • by: c ur self - 5 days 11 hours ago

    Traits of Narcissism...Patterns....The more I become a student of behavioral patterns in my and my wife's life the easier it gets to identify. Hopefully someday it will even get easier to endure and ignore from her... lol....And recognize in myself, before I puke it up onto her and others...If I had to label us for most of our marriage. I would say I trend toward the Narcissist...and she trends toward a Authoritarian, with sever Add to spice it up:)...Ouch...Now folks If you don't think God is able...then you would be wrong...Because we have been a nasty combination...

    Why are you guy's like this? Good Question! I'm glad you asked:)...Our gene's? Our childhood? our confidence in our own ability? Our sin nature?....It wasn't like the potential, and even the reality (blind to or in denial of course) wasn't hidden inside us when we married for this tumultuous ride we've been on....It just hadn't surfaced in this monstrous revelation that only comes about in coexistence, also, because of the lives we lived and the people we had in close quarters....As for myself, I had a wife for 30 years, who was a very humble saint...Who after she passed away, my oldest daughter informed me that I was rough on at times...Who said to me; Mother always just ignored many of your controlling tendencies out of respect and love, she new you loved us and would do the right things:(...This same daughter who was like an angel most her life, when she feel into her own temptation as a 19 year old. Told me as we had a heart to heart setting up in the bed one night that the reason she didn't confide in me more was because she was scared on me:(:(:( Enough of about me, I'm still not that strong Ha Ha....

    My wife? well, severe add, pregnant by a boyfriend who she loved at age 24, but had to walk away and raise her son alone because of his alcohol abuse, and irresponsibility...Pregnant again 5 years later by a guy she was dating, who also walk out on her...So from age 29 until we meet when she was 46, between her ADD, raising two kids alone, being a the main provider and a soccer mom of two wonderful boys alone. Plus all the other issues of life, well, you see!...Also most of the guy's she was pursued by wasn't the kind who looks to settle down w/ a ready made family...So more abuse, feelings of inadequacies...I remember once before we married, I had to make a doctor's appt...and I did...She approached me after she found out and said...I really wish you would let me handle this kind of stuff...She said; "I don't bring much into this marriage, but things I'm good at, I want you to let me handle"...I didn't fully understand at the time, but it eventually cleared up:(

    Not a pretty picture uh? God is good!...I'm trying each day to face my demon's and give them to Jesus...Not sure, why I'm up typing this, Maybe it can speak to someone. 

    I just want to say this one more thing...You may be married to a spouse with many problems, but just remember, It always takes two!

    No one makes you and I stay, and many of the cases I read about on this forum is in my opinion very unhealthy, abusive and dangerous...Also just my opinion again, many should at least separate in order to gain clarity, overcome anger, and see if the abusive or unfaithful partner can and does change when their enabler isn't there anymore....Life is short....

    There is healing to be had, but it want be found in my attempts to judge and make the corrections in this marriage....


    "Those who experience peace in death; (dying daily to self) will experience peace in this life"....c ur self.

     

     

  • :(
    by: WhyDoesHeActLikeThis - 5 days 16 hours ago

    I hate being reminded of all the bad.

  • by: Grrr - 6 days 2 hours ago

    My boyfriend of five years is an alcoholic too. When he was drunk he cheated on me twice with in 2 and a half years. He is apalled when he sobers up and realizes what he has done and says he loves me and only wants me. Do ADHD people learn from their consequences? Do they always end up in denial that they even have ADHD even thought the dr has prescribed Ritalin to them? He also has MAJOR mood swings and is an animal until he eats. He then apologizes for being such a jerk and becomes my sweet man that i always have loved. I love this man dearly and I don't want to lose him but the mood swings, where he calls me names, slams doors, is just terrible and alcohol cravings are driving me insane!

  • by: fullmoon2 - 6 days 7 hours ago

    About 3 years ago at college, I met a guy and we became best friends. I noticed his behavior was a little strange but I didn't really mind, as he was nice to me. He fell in love with me and he used to be really sweet so with time, I fell in love with him too. We confessed these feelings for each other and all was going well until a friend of his transferred over to the college and he started ignoring more and becoming more distant although he still spoke to me at times and he still had that sweet personality. But him ignoring me caused me to pull away from him little by little because I felt like he no longer had interest in me. And one day he said something that really hurt my feelings and he didn't even apologize for it so I decide to completely shut away from him. After a few months of not talking to him or seeing him he emailed me to tell me he missed me. So I started talking to him again but not everyday like we used to, only through email. And he told me he had ADHD and also had a learning disability. At the time I didn't really understand much about those things, but still hurt by his behavior the previous months, I decided to be just friends with him and nothing more. We kept talking and we saw each other at college but not as much as we used to when we first met. This was a year ago. We graduated college this year and at the graduation he told me that he loved me still and he missed me and I love him as well so I decided to give it another shot. I started talking to him everyday again as we used to but I noticed his behavior change again. Over the summer he started ignoring my text messages. When he answered, his replies were more like one word answers. I asked him what was going on,and asked him why he was behaving this way because he had told me he loved me. He told me he saw my texts but forgot to respond and told me that he only loved me as a friend and that he should have told me. He told me he was going away on vacation and he would appreciate me not texting him as he wouldn't have time to text me back and that he wouldn't consider being in a relationship with me but would rather be my friend. And of course, I felt hurt again. He led me on again to then let me down. A month later there was a project he needed help with. I decided to help him and again he told me he missed me and started telling me things to hint that he liked me, just like when we first met. He started initiating texts again. When he was done with the project he started ignoring me again. And when I tried communicating with him he called me annoying and to stop acting like his girlfriend. He also told me he wants to find a girlfriend, that's not me.  I was just trying to be friendly with him, I wasn't even flirting with him. He says these things out of the blue. I have never done anything to hurt him and I've only been nice to him, so I don't understand why he would hurt my feelings like that. Imagine the person you truly love saying that to you. It hurts.  Since then, he has never initiated a single conversation with me. I talk to him everyday to check up on him because he feels depressed. I also miss him a lot and I feel very very hurt by his actions. He tells me he doesn't have time to really text me and he forgets because he's with "his other friends or family". I feel like he doesn't even consider me his friend when he says that. I'm very much in love with him. I truly care about him and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault because I should have dealt with his adhd behavior sooner and just try to work things out instead of not talking to him for all those months. I've been doing a lot of research on adhd in hopes that he'll be interested in me again because maybe there's something I'm not understanding and even if we can't be together, I want to be a good friend to him and be there for him as a friend should. As I said, I love him so much.  And I try not to tell him how I feel when he does these things because he'll feel criticized. I also encourage him to do the things he likes and I'm there for him when he's down even though he's not there for me. I know I can't force him to love him but I thought it was worth a shot if I started to learn about adhd. I sent him an email after all this about how much his friendship means to be. But he doesn't respond to anything nice I say to him. Is he just not interested in me at all, even as his friend? Or is he behaving this way because of his adhd and learning disability? I really need to know because I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so hurt. He seems to talk to me more whenever I encourage him and whenever he gives me the "silent treatment" he tells me it's because he's depressed, but I'm not sure. I want to believe him. Which is why I'm asking here. He used to be more attentive when we first met and now it's just me being there for him 100%. It seems like he has mood swings too. He does have long conversations with me sometimes and we joke around. But if I stop texting him for like a week or 2, he won't initiate the conversation not even to ask how I'm doing. Is his behavior like this because of his adhd and learning disability? If it's not, as much as it hurts and as difficult as it will be, I feel like I'll have to let him go.

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