My husband and I have been married seven years this November 2015, we have two small children. I have always worked full time and paid for the majority. My husband has a long history of securing work, being promoted, getting fired. The reasons are always the same, he has had professional coaches, therapists, my support (I am also a therapist), and countless other interventions. The outcome remains the same because of some deep issues he is not ready to resolve around confidence, vulnerbility, work ethic etc. in addition to his ADD symptoms such as highly distracted, disorganized, and lacks follow through. Recently I started to really look at our finances, which I have been in charge of and are completely out of control. I make enough money to support myself and our children, but I can not support my husband too. My husband does work part time and makes enough money to cover health insurance for the family, half of the mortgage, utility, childcare, and credit card debt. He does not make enough money to pay his student loans, for food, gasoline, car repairs or insurance, clothing, incidentals, or his cell phone. I am growing more and more resentful paying for him while he stays home and works part time at a low paying job. I have met with financial counselors, cut every single luxury cost, and done my own budgeting for many years sucessfully prior to marriage and always managed to save and have great credit. The simple fact is I do not make enough to support him and pay formyself and the kids. I have decied to stop paying for him and have him pay for his own phone, student loans, etc. When I do the budget with him being responsible for expenses directly related to himself I then have a surplus of thousands of dollars each month that I can then use to pay down our debt (we no longer are accruing debt but the fees are growing fast) much for aggressively and finally pay for other things we need to address (like squirrels in our attic!). He is angry at me, blames me, and feels I am runing his life. He does not argue that it has been hard for me, but clearly does not understand just how hard I have worked to support him and our kids. I feel this my only remaining strategy. My question is - have any of you ever separated your finances and been successful financially as well as emotionally/psychologically? Have you ever used this strategy and seen any relief for yourself? I feel so angry, resentful, hurt, and decieved that I need something to change to stop drowning. Our relationship is not in good condition, even though we still seem to manage to connect in some ways at times - but less and less frequently because the dynamics of me as the caretaker-him as the child are taking over.
by: MaineMama -
1 day 7 hours ago
by: Rosered -
2 days 4 hours ago
I have noticed that in the little bit of communication my husband sends my way, he mentions how depressed he is a lot. I offer sympathy when he says this and I also recommend that he get mental health treatment. He then sometimes says that mental health treatment won't do any good. Is it appropriate for me to put up the boundary that I don't want to be the person he dumps on about being depressed? I think he's trying to use it as a free pass to his dysfunctional (with me) behavior.
by: Bou -
2 days 9 hours ago
Most evening endings are fine. In the more distant past, there have been some that have troubled us both. We had one last night, not a tiff, he was of good cheer and wanted to wake me up to share something with me.
I can be emotionally loaded at bedtime, of course, and bring my load into whatever he and I talk about, that needs to be seen for what it is when it happens, but a consistent piece of these end of the evening events, which thankfully are rarer than they were, seems to me to be something on his side of things, and I wonder whether part of what's going on in him is biological (meaning, not intentional on his part, but impelled by something in his wiring, blood sugar level, whatever), to be wound up and not be able to come down.
There's always my end of things for me to manage as well as I can; if a serious topic comes up, I'm liable to get right into the topic myself....but the way these things often happen,it feels like we're stuck in a thing that for him needs to be cycled through before he winds down.
I am quite curious to know whether other partners and people with ADHD go through these very last minute or hour of the day windups, whether they are due boisterousness, arguments, launching into heavy duty worry talk, or whatever.
I don't know how to get through them, once they start, other than to not participate, if I can pull that off, and suggest that we have the conversation the next day.
by: I-have-adhd -
2 days 21 hours ago
I am pretty sure I have ADHD. I've been told by a counselor that I have adjustment disorder with depression. I am unmedicated now becuase I could not find anything that worked, I don't know what the root problem is. I make my wife's life a living hell, and I want to be better at remembering key things she likes or wants, I even take notes in my phone but I go back and look at them later and it's jumbled cluttered mess.
Example, her birthday. Birthday's are really important to her, as are any other holidays with gifts, b/c she's a VERY thoughtful person and she actually gives the most thoughtful gifts of anyone i've ever met. She has such a great memory and remembers anything if she hears it once. I''m very jealous.
We can be out and she'll tell me "this would be a great birthday gift" and i'll put what it was in my phone, and that's the last I think of it. I'm horrible with managing money, I spend it NOW and don't think about later, but i don't go out and just shop shop shop, i spend it on bills, and mainly going out and eating way too much. Time comes for her birthday, and I find things around town I think she'll like, and forget about the things she specifically said she'd love to have. She even has told me before "i like this, but it wouldn't be good for a birthday gift". Since i've not planned and saved, I get to looking for her a gift and buy, you guessed it, what she said she didn't want...because I forgot.
It's happened ever birthday, it's happened every Christmas, and she's heartbroken and hurt and furiously angry.
I want to feel normal, and she thinks it's all being done on purpose because I don't care anything about her. She knows i've been on every medication under the stars, and thinks it's just me. I don't know anymore, i don't know what the problem is. I know it's me, but i was never like this before her. I'm not saying she's the problem, I just want to please her and make her happy so bad that I feel I psyche myself out and react in ways that don't make sense.
I don't know what to do, i'm just venting...but I sure wish I had some answers.
She wont' listen to me, and is in a rage now bc of how much i've hurt her.
I hate this so much, i think i've lost her. The thing that hurts the most is she sincerely thinks "I've done all this on purpose becuase I don't love her. If I wanted to change, I would change..plain and simple"
I don't say that to run her down, b/c I love her and I can't imagine dealing with/living with someone like how I am, she just has no patience with me anymore and I can't say I blame her.
I'm going to quit rambling now.
by: lineman1010 -
3 days 2 hours ago
I'm not talking about $$$.
I'll start with TIME ....being diagnosed a few months ago and being 45.Yes very late in life, which I believe I can write about the cost of having ADHD as an adult. I have spent alot of time reading and asking many questions about my disorder. Which has also made me think of all the wasted time in my life. The countless missed opportunities I could have capitalized on if I were more attentive especially to the ones I hold close to me.....my own lil family.
I will never get that back ....ever.
My wife hurting her self-esteem in ways that I could not imagine, this is the woman I LOVE with all my heart .To be upset with her because I blame her for so much.......No.....I am upset with ME .....had I known about my disorder in time I know I wouldn't have hurt our relationship as I had done. I would have gotten control of my behaviors through meds and therapy alot sooner than a few months ago. As with any marriage we went up and down. Looking back a vast portion could have been easily talked out.....but I couldn't because I have very very poor communication skills this I've always known but not why until now. The thoughts racing through my head telling my mouth what say was at best gibberish. Then a question is asked an when I am trying to answer I stammer trying to piece a coherent answer together , I am darn near automatically lying. Especially when memory recall is all jumbled up. I have hearing loss as well which never helps because I am being told that I'm not listening . Often I hear most of what is being said but missing parts of the conversation I get confused or misinterpreted what is being said.Then as most know it usually doesn't get better but worse. I know if I had a mediator or someone to interpret actually what I am saying our relationship would be alot better. Alas , there is none so the situation gets worse over time because nothing is ever really settled.I see and hear the frustration from both sides and when it's done I walk away more hurt and feeling very inadequate. I believe she feels the same .
Withdrawing from everyone at home another waste of time.
Over the last couple months I have had issues at work, chronically late, not paying attention, and not understanding directions. I have a very dangerous job as a high voltage lineman on a government base. I was given ultimatums that if I keep making mistakes I would lose my position. We are not wealthy by no means , we almost live paycheck to paycheck.
We both work, since 2011 I have had 5 jobs , i was fired from 2 and quit 2 , holding on to this one. So I am constantly fearful of losing this one. With that I had really stay on my GAME atleast till someone else screwed up. That took ALL my energy mentally and physically to do. I try to keep work at work and home at home but I couldn't. I did tell her about an altercation between myself and a coworker. Not a big deal just being put down and teased but I handled it in my opinion well. We both walked away better friends for it. There's another issue involving work.....clearances . I was instructed that i needed to go further into explanation of my credit and criminal history. No big deal about the criminal part . Except something that I did when i was 18 . Not bad....I did tell my wife about but I had forgotten some of it and didn't tell her, when she read what it was She accused me of lying. I never lied to her or anyone about it . it turned out to actually be wrong which i had to explain . Sorry got to back up a couple days ....she called me at work and asked if there was something i needed to tell her?
I answered about what? She said i knew. I said about what ?
Then she said I knew and if i didn't want her to know than so be it. Later I found out it was about my incident when I was 18. Told her the truth and she told me I was a liar, of course i got upset and contacted my stepmother to reinforce my side because she was there 25 years ago and still had all the paperwork. That got my wife even more pissed. Thinking me and my stepmother was against her. When in reality all i was doing was trying to prove i wasn't lying. ( which if you read my comment about ADD ers lying you'll get a better picture of why this particular behavior is a HUGE one). All the while having those issues at work and home ......I withdrew to silence and avoidance from her. Only as a way to keep me from going out of my mind. Even with meds my mind still feels like I'm going a 100 mph at night with no lights and in a hurricane.
She left me 3 weeks ago . I feel abandoned and ashamed , hurt, and alone. I regret not chasing after her and just letting her walk away but if I did I felt it would just make it worse. Because I definitely was in no mental shape to try. I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY HEART AND I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH HER.
She knew that i was having med issues trying to get the pdoc to change them , which appt is next week and finding a therapist to help but that's slow too( got one tomorrow can't wait ) took 3 weeks to get one that is ADD adult and relationship certified. I asked her to ask her therapist to see both but they thought it best that i didn't join them. Nor did she ask for a referral to one. REALLY .....I plainly was asking for help and I got nothing. That's why I'm on the internet, youtube and reading books . and in forums looking for help and educating myself on the effects of ADD in a marriage.
More wasted TIME. I was told many times to take care of me and she'll take care of her. It's my issue( problem ) not hers,
I have hearing that for months . I know that I've not been as attentive to anyone lately but I do not get the whole abandoning thing. Especially as we both found out the root cause of so many symptoms. She has her own mental disorders that I will not mention due to the fact that I accept her as she is. Not using that as an excuse to justify myself in an way SHAPE ,FORM or FASHION. Waste of time again to try to do it. It's ME all me and I take credit and responsibility for how our relationship is broken. She has tried to support and encourage me alot. Low energy, sex drive, and sleep apnea.....which now I understand to be side symptoms of my disorder. So we were trying to fix me but it comes out that all them were overlaying symptoms of my ADD also. So I once again have to take full responsibility for my actions .
Like I keep saying a lot of wasted TIME. I don't blame her for leaving the situation. I truly do not. I hope and pray that we can reconcile our relationship. I know the person she is . If i could only get her to accompany me to therapy I believe it would shed alot of light on both of our behaviors.
Well there you go ....i put it out there. So please if you agree or disagree all your comments and suggestions will be accepted with an open mind and heart. I do this to help me .....SO PLEASE HELP this man that doesn't have much TIME to waste.
Thank you for reading,
by: Anemptyshell -
4 days 9 hours ago
my partner and I have been together for 3 years, we have been through meth addiction (him) and come out the other side in the beginning, it was about 12 months ago I was still having issues with him saying things and not doing them and some were little and some were big, I was constantly feeling not respected, loved etc. I was speaking to his mother one day telling her all my woes when she blurted " maybe he is ADHD" this didn't mean much to me at the time, however I went away and did some googling, and read stories that sounded so much like my life, I sent some of the links to my partner and be too recognised these things in himself, he was amazed.
this is where I made my biggest mistake, I didn't push him to see a doctor and get a real diagnosis and treatment, and here I am after 10 great months, having just found out a few days ago, that he took $6500 out of our loan account for renovations for cocaine, he works away 8 weeks on 4 off, this is why I didn't notice, he was away, he was faced with no job, and some where in his disfunctional brain he decided taking cocaine would help him perform better and secure a new contract, but it obviously got out of control.
I didnt notice the money, as sadly for me 3 weeks prior to him using, he proposed to me, and financed the ring, I asked him to pay it off from the loan account so there was only one debt, and that's why he was able to go 8 weeks with out me noticing, it was only that my intuition told me I needed to look at the accounts that I noticed.
now I am a mess and he's having a pity party.
he is aware he needs help and I am going to make sure he sees a doctor and gets a refferal to a psyc.
i guess what I want to know is if mesdicated, he can't have stimulant meds, he has a heart condition and clearly sufferers with drugs use problems, but I am wondering how much the medication actually helps?
Will I always feel like he is emotionally retarded? Will I have to live my life always feeling like I am on edge, and expecting to be disappointed?
I accept that he may have this and things will never be 'perfect'
but just silly stuff like rushing to buy me gifts that I hate and having to pretend to like them? The broken promises and tendency to lies, does it ever get better or can I expect my life to be a constant battle?
Needless to say the lies about drugs and the money going toward my ring, I have taken the ring off and no longer can look at it, as it just is a big fat drug,lie horrid thing to me now.
these are all things he doesn't seem to 'get' how now that ring is just horrible to me cause he used it as a lie!
More than frustrated, any advice, info appreciated.
by: womanwithadd -
5 days 23 hours ago
Hello Everyone. I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 14 years old (currently I am 28). I stopped medication when I was 22 years old. I was doing well in college and had good friendships. However my grades were better in my junior and senior years of college and graduate school. Now I realize I was doing well because those with ADD can concentrate well on things they find interesting. So these classes i was in were directly related to my desired job one day. I had even thought that I may had been diagnosed at age 14 as there was alot of instability in my home life at the time. Last year I got married and after being married for less than a year my husband has left. In stepping back and doing more research I have realized more that ADD is a behavioral disorder as well and fully believe I do have this disorder. My husband says he does not care and that he wants to divorce me. He is upset I didn't tell him in more detail about me having this. I didn't think I had it anymore and did over dinner one night briefly say I was on medication for ADD in the past. However with not taking it for years it simply did not seem important for me to share as it can be overdiagnosed as well. I did not have too much in depth knowledge about ADD. He says I took his future away from him. I have started treatment for this again, am seeing my own counselor, have offered counseling for us and said seperation for however long is alright with me. My husband has already sent me divorce papers. Any suggestions?
by: Mayana -
1 week 1 day ago
Okay, so I really don't have time to be on the internet right now (because the world would stop breathing if I forgot to remind it to), and nothing upsets me more than people who spend hours on the internet when they have plenty of grownup things to do (okay, maybe a few things upset me more, but that's up there). I have never felt such a pull to join an online community before, though, so I'd like to offer a big hello. I just read ADHD and Marriage last night... couldn't put it down, though tears were streaming down my cheeks throughout most of it. I'm sure I will vent further details eventually, but by way of introduction, I have been married for 15 years to a man who spent his childhood on Ritalin and ditched it (and a belief in ADHD) the first chance he got when he was out of school. We have three daughters who I worry about every day, knowing that over the years I have inadvertantly taught them what it is "okay" to put up with in a marriage. I almost feel like I have an obligation to leave, just so they have a better chance at healthy relationships in their own lives. Yet -- here I am.
We've had a very interesting past six months or so, and I was definitely ripe to run across this book (and community) when I did.
by: Mr. Ellis Green -
1 week 2 days ago
This is my first time for commenting on this site and after months of reading other people's comments it seems only fair and proper that I put my penny's worth in! First I must say that Melissa and Dr. Hallowell have shown great patience and understanding in all the help and advice they've given, as well as their time. I'm sure there are plenty of us out there that really appreciate their efforts and long may they continue to do so! And then there are those who have been brave enough to "bare their souls" on here by relating the issues they've all faced. Well done! It's not easy to tell total strangers the problems that some of us face on a daily basis, not knowing if anybody listens or takes us seriously as this is such a delicate subject, especially with some people being more sensitive than others.
Well maybe its my turn to bare my soul. It has taken me a long time to pluck up the nerve to come here and say my piece. I suppose the best place to start is the beginning; I was born in 1958 so I grew up in the '60s. Back then here in UK there was certainly no knowledge of ADHD. So when I was running all over the place creating all kinds of mayhem, hardly sleeping even as a baby, and getting into fights at school and other behavioural problems and nobody understood why, including my parents, I was told by my Doctor that I was hyperactive and my Mum advised not to let me drink orange squash (which I hate anyway) and my teachers viewed me as a "problem child" - thanks a lot! Throughout my teens despite having the craziest sense of humour possible, I also had a real nasty temper. I won't bore anyone with too much detail, but after getting married at 24 and then as time went by I fathered 3 kids. I've loved my kids and always will, but although we had a lot of fun there were a lot of times that I blew my top simply because I couldn't cope with the responsibility of parenthood. I've never handled responsibility well, and get hopelessly frustrated . I NEVER hit my wife (now ex) or my kids in anger, instead I would lash out and punch the walls, kick the furniture, throw things, and of course this would scare people. In my 30's I decided to get anger management and through one of the courses I was told about ADHD. I saw my Doctor who sent me to a therapist who in turn diagnosed me as ADHD and I got a book all about it; how it affects kids and adults alike who have it, and reading this book was like reading my life story!
My next problem was that I was too proud and arrogant to really take the whole thing seriously. I used to think: "if that's how I am then its not my problem its other people's if they can't cut me some slack". Stupid really! Of course it was my problem but as I've already said, male pride got in the way. Eventually after 22 years of marriage my ex divorced me for "unreasonable behaviour". I don't blame her really as I should and could have done something about it if only I could have seen how it was REALLY affecting my kids. I've been divorced now for 10 years, no romance in that time, and although life is too short for regrets I do have 2 - watching my parents die and being a lousy father. During the last 10 years I've had a heart attack that left me with unstable angina, but surprisingly the hyperactivity has settled since the attack. ADHD runs through my Dad's side of the family whereas heart disease runs through both sides.
So everyone who has ADHD please do whatever it takes to get treated for this condition as quickly as you can, especially if you're married otherwise you could find your partner showing you the door as it is not easy living with ADHD or living with someone that has it. So be patient, get ALL the help you can as nothing hurts more than knowing you could have done something earlier in life as long as pride doesn't get in the way, and also knowing that your grown-up kids want nothing to do with you anymore. That sucks! But we reap what we sow I suppose, so please consult your doctor if necessary, may Melissa and Co. keep this site going as its so nice to know you're NOT the only one having to live with this thing. I'm better now but it cost me a lot domestically along the way!
Mr. Ellis Green
by: skaterone12 -
1 week 4 days ago
We've known about the ADHD for several months now. His biggest attempt in the matter is to "try harder" "do better" and "not treat me this way". But as a result, we wrap around to the same issues, the same destructive patterns and the same hurt and painful feelings. How much longer do I hold on? What options do I have? We are in the midst of rock bottom once again. I am raw with hurt and pain from neglect, abandonment, broken promises and being taken for granted moment after moment that I can see leaving as the only alternative. I do see the pain in his eyes. I see that he is hurting too, that perhaps he is "trying his best" but is just spinning his wheels. I have been kind. I have been patient. I have been hopeful. But I can't force the medication, the counseling or the treatment. It's lonely, it's just shy of abusive and I am not seeing a way to "calm down" and work this time through. The hopelessness is overwhelming and I feel at this time I would be much less lonely if I were alone, rather than in a roommate situation.
Has anyone been this far down, and come back up again - when you aren't in control of the ADHD and their behavior, treatment or otherwise? Any suggestions would be helpful.