Recent Topics

  • by: copingSAH - 1 hour 48 min ago

    Today, a dog owner left without cleaning up. I asked ADD spouse to take a look out the window and take a look at the dog owner. All of a sudden, he is livid, runs out the wrong door and goes all the way around the wrong side of the property and almost accuses another dog owner (minding their own business). For heavens' sake, I just asked him to take a good look at the dog owner from the safety of our window. He comes in all livid at me, it's not because of the dog poo, it's not because of the careless dog owner, its all because I had the audacity to "control" him. So he did everything else to confuse the whole situation. (Which I remind you, was a very neutral request. I wasn't jumping or screaming)

    Please. Tell me, does it seem like I'm controlling in any way when I just ask someone to take a look out our window? When I'm with anyone else, that person will just go to the window to assess what I'm referring to, size up the owner, size up the situation. And maybe say, "that's a lot of nerve!" (or some such FEELING)
    None of this happened and it went all downhill from there -- I'm accused of being manipulative, mean, controlling, I need to "learn" to shut up, and "we're done" "I don't care what you feel".

    These "NOs" come with not one ounce of feeling for the other person (the spouse and main target).... why is this?? Please, what does everyone do to keep from going completely and utterly insane. It is such WOUNDING behavior, I just don't think I can go on until death do we part. It's worse as we grow old together. 

    I also notice the need to vocally announce "NO" "Never" "it's not going to happen" to even the most extraordinarily simple statements -- things most of the world accept and share openly are vocalized not only by my ADD spouse, but by various children I've come across on the autistic spectrum... it is oppositional, defiant, in both Aspergers and ADHD children. What part of the brain is causing the oppositional defiance??

    I walked away but I feel he needs help to slow down, it's like this huge switch goes on and his brain becomes one huge defiant "NO". He hurts me needlessly, he's hurting himself too.

  • by: Sookie - 23 hours 36 min ago

    Hi everyone, I found this site looking at help with ADHD relationships I have my boyfriend who was diagnosed with ADHD years ago and isn't on any medication. At the start of our relationship it was wonderful he couldn't leave me alone his hyperfocus was me (as I'm sure so many of you have had the same situation) as time has gone on his focus is more on his PC and gaming which is a big passion and YouTube lets plays are a have to do which I completely accept, as it's always been "him". I have researched his condition because I know what can feel like him not caring, saying things that can hurt, not listening etc etc are part of the disorder and I'm very strong willed and love him to death so understanding the condition has helped me get to know how his brain functions. However it's still very difficult not to feel thrown aside and not important anymore, he never asks me to out for a meal or to go out anywhere but does meet his friends a lot more and does things with them, he comes over once a week and stays a night or two and we have a great time and couldn't be happier his energy is wonderful and I feed of that as soon as I'm with him and we work as a team very well. From what I've read and experienced relationships with ADHD are even more difficult and both people need to work at it, the big problem I have major depression to deal with and possibly I'm type two bipolar recently I've suffered a major relapse I'm extremely depressed and had to go on medication and I'm holding on with everything I'm working full time and life at home is difficult so I need a lot of support..... Sometimes I can say how bad I feel and it's like I haven't even said it, he'll go on to whatever has his attention. Like I said I have done a lot of research having my condition has helped me to understand and research all I can, so when he does ignore me etc I don't react with anger or upset I simply let it go but some help on how to approach sensitive subjects like both needing each others support in different ways etc. just some general support would be nice he's barely spoken to me for days only a few texts mainly about what he's doing and I've had a big panic attack tonight to top how I feel.  Thanks everyone 

  • by: redhead1017 - 1 day 2 min ago

    My DH has been unemployed for most of our marriage (going on 23 years). He has been "house dad" for the last three years, does most of the meals, cleans up the kitchen, and takes the garbage out. He is supposed to be cleaning out the storages and the bottom half of the house of his stuff, but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax. 

    Currently, he is running for city council. He is well known in our little town because he literally has never met someone he can't talk to (many of you can relate to that!). He has been busy with this for months; spends hours every day going to coffee dates, planning meetings, talking to all his fellow council buddies, etc. It is literally a full-time job, albeit unpaid. 

    Today he just got home from a two hour coffee date with a buddy. He's super excited about all of this and how his campaign is going. 

    He has never, EVER, been this focused on supporting his family. It's hard for me to get excited about this, yet I know he wants my support. 

    I just think it's interesting that he's definitely focused; just depends on what you ask him to focus ON. 

     

  • by: hermione - 1 day 5 hours ago

    Hi all, Have been browsing the forum for a while and have gained a lot of insight from your posts - thanks. I have a question. How can I be honest with my partner about how miserable I feel about our relationship without criticising him? I try to voice issues as "complaints" rather than as "criticisms", as advised in Melissa's book, but he is super-defensive and often just takes them as criticisms anyway! Lately I've been feeling really anxious and depressed. I'm seeing a therapist on my own to try and get on top of those issues, and am experimenting with mindfulness, focusing on myself etc. However, I still feel pretty rotten much off the time and boyfy can tell. So what do I say when he asks what's wrong? If I'm honest and say that I'm depressed about the relationship he usually yells at me or tells me to shut up. So it's often easier to pretend that I'm stressed at work etc... however, clearly this does not get my needs met. Any thoughts?

    We are going for couples counselling with an ADHD  coach soon so hopefully that will help but I'm curious what you all think.

    Thanks.

  • by: Hachikomar - 3 days 39 min ago

    Hi, 

    I met my husband online. We talked for 6 months on skype before we met face to face. I never suspected him of ADHD. He was acting normal. We got married after 2 months since our face to face meeting cause we were in love. After that I found out he has ADHD, he gas 3 kids with 3 different women, he gambles/bets. Back then I really thought that everybody has the right to be happy so I didn't freak out. It's been 2 years since our marriage and its not good at all.

    he has his moments when he helps me with house duties, he takes the dogs out from time to time, he cooks for me. But lately he is horrible, we fight every day, I yell and sometimes threaten him with divorce, I force him to do things. He is so lazy, and so selfish and I feel he doesnt love me.

    I wanted to divorce him so many times but I really dont want that. I want to help him, I want to make him better.

    recently I started to read about ADHD  and that is how I got here. I am very confident that I can make this marriage work but I need to change first.

    Im afraid to have kids with him, as he already left his other 3 :(

    i am afraid that the process of helping our marriage is gonna be too long and Sometimes I feel like Im wasting my time with him.

    im also afraid that he will not quit the betting. 

    He has good parts and He is a good man. He deserves to be helped, but can I help him?

    Is it real that we can save our marriage?

    right now he is in a different city to relax and think about us... He said, but he actually went there to have the freedom if betting. He said this time apart will help us. He said he might spend 4 weeks there

    He called me today saying that he's coming home. After only 1week. He said he thinks he should be with me not far from me, but I dont believe him. He lies a lot....

    i just wonder if this worths the try to save our marriage. Will I trust him ever? Will I have his kid without worrying that I will have to raise it alone??

    did anybody succeed in this trying?

  • by: jade21 - 3 days 1 hour ago

    My husband and I just celebrated our 10 year anniversary.  The last three years have been a roller coaster.  I met my husband 14 years ago.  It was very apparent to me from our first date, that he had ADD.  He first lied about having it, but later admitted he was diagnosed in his early teens.  We struggled at times due to his forgetfulness, impulsiveness, lying and lack of empathy.  However, we managed to get through our ups and downs.  The two years before our son were born, were probably our happiest.  I felt he was becoming more attentive and caring.  When our son was born, a lot of things changed.  My husband wasn't able to handle the stress of everyday life and taking care of a child.  He didn't know how to manage his time and more things began to fall on me.  I have always been the caretaker.  Our relationship was very much a parent/child relationship.  I began to resent my husband for not being more supportive.  He resented me for not taking care of him any longer.  I suffered from bad postpartum depression after our son was born.  Partly because I am a perfectionist and I couldn't control my surroundings and pretend to be "superwoman" anymore.  During this time, my husband didn't know what to do, so he didn't do anything.  My resentment for him got worse.  About three years ago, we had a major fight.  I told him I will not continue with our marriage unless we get counseling.  He willingly went to counseling and said he wanted to save our marriage.  In many ways, I have felt counseling has made our marriage worse.  The first counselor we saw was nice, but I felt like we were just chatting, not really getting anywhere.  She didn't believe a lot of things I said about my husband's lying and gas lighting behaviors.  I was told he doesn't remember, it's his ADD.  Finally he admitted he was manipulating me and she was shocked.  Following that, I decided it was best that I move on to another more qualified counselor.  My husband decided he need to see a male counselor, because women don't understand "male" issues.  One of those issues, being his porn addiction.  During this transition, my husband suffered a tragedy at work.  A young male jumped in front of the train he was driving and committed suicide.  My husband began to suffer symptoms of PTSD, but wouldn't admit to them.  He began to blame all of his depression and anger on our marital problems.  His counselor was also no help.  My husband began to drink heavily and started to have suicidal ideations.  His counselor ignored my pleas to get him more help and felt he was fine.  At one point he even told me, "maybe your husband is just the kind of person who likes to drive drunk."  My husband finally took my advice and participated in a two week intensive outpatient counseling program.  During this time, he became very angry and distant.  He began to drink even more.  I confronted him about it and he attacked me.  At that point, I told him to get the hell out of our house and I'm not going to be a battered woman.  Following this, we separated.  He moved in with his mother and I stayed in our house.  I had been holding it all together until this point.  I started to become severely depressed.  My husband worked on his issues and went off his Adderral.  His ADD worsened.  However, his anger and depression improved.  I felt I would much rather have a forgetful husband than an a$$hole. My depression continued to worsen.  I felt my husband wasn't there for me despite all that I had done for him.  I continued to deal with his lies.  He would lie about watching porn.  He would also lie about smoking, something he knows I hate because many of my relatives have died of cancer.  He promised he would give up smoking.  However, an end never looked like it was coming.  Then he started chewing too.  Finally one day I had it and threw out all of his cigarettes/chew.  He appeared to have given up his smoking and porn.  He was becoming more attentive to my needs.  However, all the trust I had in him had been erroded long before.  I was finally at the point that I was starting to trust him again.  My severe depression was improving.  It's been two months since we've been intimate.  Earlier this week, was the first time I had thought about being with him again.  Then last night, a find a receipt for chew in his pocket.  I confronted him and asked him if there was anything he had wanted to tell me.  He said no.  Finally after telling him I knew he was lying again, he finally admitted he's been smoking again for the last three weeks.  I had suspected as much, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I'm at wits end with the lying.  It never ends!  I'm honestly starting to feel like he could come or go and I wouldn't care.  I don't know how much of those feelings are my true feelings or if it is because of the antidepressant I am on.  Since I started on my antidepressant, I don't care about anything.  I've cut other family out of my life recently, because I just don't care.  I don't feel like I can talk to my counselor anymore about my feelings with my husband.  I feel she is just trying to railroad me into divorce.  I don't talk to my friends anymore about him, because after three years of chaos I know they're tired of hearing about it.  I would be too.  I've seen drastic improvements with my husband, so I can't say things haven't changed.  However, it's the lies I can't deal with.  I feel like I've been to hell and back these last three years.  I just don't know how much more I can handle.  I honestly feel like I have PTSD.  I become very anxious when I hear anyone arguing and avoid conflict at all costs.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I just want peace.

  • by: Raven64 - 3 days 3 hours ago

    Hello all…I have been lurking here for sometime and just want to say a BIG thank you to you all. Having  access to a site like this has been very helpful in my quest to understand ADD.

    I have a question about setting boundaries, I’m hoping you can help me with, but first some background details.

    My partner is going thru the process of diagnosis, which is difficult because of our current location (more about that later). We have been together for 8 years, the first year and a half we lived in different towns and only saw each other infrequently, then we started living together and it didn’t take long to figure out something was not quite right. Sure he was a bit forgetful, disorganised etc  but that didn’t really bother me as he has many good qualities too. What really bugged me was the issue of communication, don’t get me wrong he has no trouble in talking, in fact we gave him the nickname of “Mr have a chat” because no matter where we went he would always strike up a conversation with anybody! But I noticed between us, his conversation was always on the lighthearted  or everyday subjects, never anything deep and meaningful or intimate unless I started it, he very rarely asked any questions, and sometimes seemed disinterested when I’m talking to him, which given his overall behaviour seemed out of character. Of course I talked to him about it and was given the classic “ I will have to try harder” speech, and he did, but it only lasted for so long. That set the pattern for the next few years, then we moved to a remote location, where the nearest neighbour was 40km’s away, so it was just us…. 24/7…..I thought it would be great, working together, having to rely on each other, all the things we said we wanted, peace and quiet, grow our own veggies, have time to spend on our hobbies (well my hobbies, he doesn’t have any).....it would bring us closer together….RIGHT???

    I can see some of you chuckling or shaking your heads J Of course what it really did was dramatically show  the ADD traits in all their glory…..the chronic forgetfulness, simple conversations have become a nightmare with the mishearing and misunderstanding, having to repeat myself to the point where I just want to scream in frustration, the avoidance and denial…I could go on but you all know the score! There was also a couple of bout’s of depression to contend with, and all the time I was trying to figure out (singlehandedly) what the problem was, until eventually I was exhausted said “you need to get some help or I’m outta here”. The night I delivered that ultimatum, I went online, found this site, spent the next few hour’s reading and going wow, yep, uh huh that’s him to a tee!

    I’ve purchased a couple of books, just finished Gina Pera’s, Is it you, me or Adult ADD, learnt about enabling, so I’m conscious of that now, and he is seeing a therapist, but unfortunately she is 650km’s away, so that’s only every 8 weeks.

    My question is this…how do you set boundaries when the main problem is communication and in particular for me the lack of intimate conversation, and I’m not talking sexual, I’m talking about the personal private type of conversations that couples have about everything and anything, so as the years pass you KNOW each other and thru that have formed a deep connection. But even our normal conversations are lacking, since we have been living up here, I will say something about  an interesting article I read on facebook for example, and he will respond with “oh rightyho” or something similar, doesn’t ask any questions to keep the conversation going or lead on with another topic that it may have reminded him of.

    In regards to communication about ADD, I have suggested that since he can only see a therapist infrequently , we need to talk about it regularly, he needs to let me know what he is thinking, feeling when an ADD related issue arises, I suggested reading an article every morning,  written by someone on this site who has ADD and lists what ADDer’s need to do, including over communicating with their spouses, I’ve suggested discussing the ADD books or articles on theis website,  I suggest writing lists, reminder’s  etc and he agree’s with everything I’ve said…and none of it happens or happens once and is forgotten again and I’m done nagging, reminding and hoping!

    Anyway…thanks for listening, hoping you might have some idea’s.

     

  • by: welltheresyourp... - 3 days 5 hours ago

    The mess, no problem. I understand that I'm the one that wants things relatively picked up. So I'll do it for me, knowing it's for me.

    The bills, under control. I like taking care of our finances and since I took them over we haven't been overdrawn.

    Cooking, I like to cook. I don't mind doing the dishes either, especially when everything turned out well.

    You work all the time, well ok. I have things I can do on my own. Your work needs you too. You're doing something important that makes a difference in people's lives.

    Your iDevices, yes, you need social time. I understand (though I'm not sure you do) that this is how you maintain your social life. I can deal with the top of your head when I'm trying to talk to you.

    But...the intimacy. Well, look dear, this is what you call a "monogamous lifelong relationship". Otherwise we're just friends and you're kind of a crappy room mate.

    What I cannot stand in our relationship, and it's been my sticking point since we got married, is the lack of time and attention to making our sexual relationship good. You're a lust-sucker. You don't seem to have any drive on your own and admittedly have no thoughts, fantasies or desires for anything in particular. I pursue you and if we manage to make it in to bed instead of being creative and thoughtful you flounder around and ask me what turns me on. This is great right? My lover is communicating with me! Except it's the same thing every time. Why, after 20 years together do I have to repeatedly tell you the same things? Why do you have to feed off of my excitement rather than bringing anything with you? I feel forced by my body to have sex with you and I'm increasingly regretting it every time we do. You have no idea that I feel sad and resentful after sex do you. It's not because we haven't talked about it, it's because you've forgotten everything we've talked about, ever.

    I feel like a whinny baby saying this here. I've read other posts and feel like my situation just isn't as bad as what others have to deal with. Still, after a long enough period of time, of being denied, put off, delayed, held back, it's getting to me, badly. Despite all her good qualities it's like this one sticks in my mind. I can't shake being forgotten and ignored when it comes to bedroom stuff. It's affected me in a bad way. I think I'm starting to fetish-ize the whole situation as a way to deal with the pain of it. It's not good. There is no good answer in all of this. None. Six years, two counselors and a couple ADHD prescriptions for you and it's all my problem to deal with. I'm being needy. I'm the unhappy one. There's something wrong with me.

    There IS something wrong, you're not loving me the way I need to be loved in this relationship. If you can't bring yourself to do it maybe I should find someone that will.

    Ok...I feel a little better. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

  • by: robsgirl - 3 days 15 hours ago

    I've been reading all the posts here for a while and decided to ask your opinion on what's going on with my guy. I know the answer may be to run like the wind, but to be honest, if I thought that plan woud work, I maybe would have done so by now. 

    So here goes...He is diagnosed and on Adderall, but I honestly do not know what difference it makes. He's been on it since before we were together. He is possibly bipolar, as he has periods of being in a grouchy funk and then he'll have a few weeks where he is giddy & weird. It's also possible he could have NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, as he has all the symptoms for that as well. It's also likely that he is depressed and is having a midlife crisis.  I know ADD can come with a mix of other issues and those are ones I suspect, perhaps even more so than the ADD diagnosis. At least it kind of gives you an idea of what I'm up against. Last fall we had one of those ADD angry rages and I said I wanted a break, as the angriness had been happening more and more often...so he thought a break meant he could hook up with someone else, because heaven forbid he be alone for two weeks. Well, fast forward a bit and he gave me the "just want to be friends, not in love with you anymore" speech. So, I thought that was going to be it. I'll admit I was sad and relieved all at the same time. I love him dearly, but questioned if I was crazy to put up with HIS brand of crazy for the rest of my life. The trouble lies in wanting to still be friends. At first it was fine. He didn't want to move his stuff, wanted me to keep my name on the joint account that his bills are paid from, said I really helped him turn his bill paying around and could I keep doing that for him since we were still friends and he always wanted to be friends. So, ok, sure, I can do that. It's really no trouble. I had set him up with an account for just paying bills and they all come out automatically. He doesn't have the account number or the debit card so it works great. He has a separate atm card for a different account & that's his use it all up money. Lol I really don't need to be on the account, but for some reason he wants me to stay on this account. So here's the kicker...he is now living with the woman he found last fall. His most valuable and prized possesions are still here, and when I asked if he wanted them pulled out so he could take them with, he said NO. Says leave his address here so I get all his mail. He even bought a new truck and had this address put on the title. He holds a joint account with me that gets $400 out of $550 each week, so he's not really contributing much toward their household as his truck takes a lot of fuel & he likes convenience store crap. Up until he moved in with her, he had been coming here to stay with me every other week, but he told me a while back that he could not stay with me "for a while" because "it didn't seem right". I'll admit I was a bit surprised, as he has never cared about what's right before, so I had decided that perhaps it was finally time to just move on....but wait! Two weeks later he's busy flirting with me via text....says he dreamed about me, wants to do something for me since I help with his money, so I said take me out for supper. For a day, it was like old times flirting with him. Then the next day, I asked if he had anymore dreams about me and he was kinda blunt with "not lately" and then that was all I heard from him that day. So there's my highliight reel over the last year. What do I do? Everything is as he left it here, yet he's living with her. What does it all mean? What should I do? I don't want to make any sudden changes so I don't make him mad. Sometimes I still wish I could have him back, as I thought he was the love of my life. I told him I missed him a few weeks ago and since then, he's really backed off being here, calling me, and some days he barely texts me. Some days, it's ok that he's backing outof my life, sort of...other days, I miss him SO MUCH. I don't really want anyone else, but even if I did, everything of his is still here the way he left it. Sometimes I think it's because deep down, I think he really wants to come back. I struggle with what I should do...be happy he's drifting away or be sad about his lack of attention to me. I just don't know what to think or do. Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone been there, done that?

  • by: kalexandria - 3 days 16 hours ago

    It is clear to me that we love our ADHD partners.  Although, I see alarming similarities between us and the addict-co-dependant relationship.  We keep trying to get them to feel something that we think they should be feeling or do something we think they should be doing or to stop doing something (like hyper focusing on other women) we don't want them to do.  They have no idea how much we love them and they think we're just miserable people, as opposed to people who are trying to improve our relationships.  My question to all of you is this;

    while we may love them with all of our heart, will we ever be able to completely trust them?  

    It's something I personally am not sure of and would like to hear what others have to say. 

    Thanks!

     

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