Recent Topics

  • by: freshelfpie - 1 day 3 hours ago

    Not married, but been living with girlfriend (6 years now), she was diagnosed with ADHD in her 30s, we both just turned 50.  Our house has always been chaotic mess with room- and hall-blocking clutter from all of her unfinished "projects". Seriously, the spare bedroom looks like an episode of "Hoarders".  She is treating (some days, she doesn't have insurance so hoards her pills and only takes on days they are most needed), Adderal or Vyvanse.  She sometimes sees county mental health people, but it typically is about ancillary anxiety and depression, not specifically the ADD.   She has been fired from numerous jobs in the past 6 years, always by frustrated bosses who don't get her process and can't deal with her loose relationship to time.  Most recently 6 weeks ago.  Well, she has decided to go into business for herself, which is a short-term financial nightmare for me, since I carry all the household bills, and she now won't even make her half of rent.   Here is the current crisis:  she did not sign a non-compete with her last boss, and has a contact list of about 125 clients from the last job.  I and most of her close friends have been pestering her for six weeks to send out promotional email to these clients.  She was up literally 30 hours, hyperfocused and working on the "perfect" promotional email for 13 hours straight on Wednesday night, involving me for at least 5 or 6 hours, and involving her sister and a close friend for hours as well, both overnight and while the three of us were at work yesterday.  She finally gave up short of clicking "send" on the email blast.  Wasn't "perfect" yet, and her anxiety about undercutting her old boss and about stepping forward as her own boss was playing a big part.   Long story short, this morning I went behind her back, cleaned up the formatting a bit, and sent the email blast out without her permission.  Has anyone here had to finish off a vital project for their spouse and gotten in hot water because of it?  I will at least be sleeping on the couch tonight, maybe in a motel I can't afford.  She won't do this stuff for herself, and won't let me do it for her.  Frustrated and guilty for having done this in secret.
     

  • by: dedelight4 - 2 days 20 hours ago
  • by: Rosered - 3 days 3 hours ago

    My spouse has ADHD as well as other things (anxiety, depression, ??).  He is a full-time caregiver for his elderly parents.  An example of what this entails is that his mother, who has Alzheimer's disease, needs assistance with toileting, and she is resistant to the diaper and clothing changes.  Meanwhile, his father, who also has health issues but is mentally competent, is, like my husband, depressed and feels hopeless.

    I would like to help them out.  I have offered assistance and information several times.  Yesterday, on the last day of a trip to see one of our daughters, a trip that I arranged not only so that I could see my daughter but so that my husband could have a break from caregiving, I once again asked my husband if there is anything I can do to help.  And he said once again, as he has done a few times this year, "Shoot them."  

    I know this is venting.  I know my husband won't harm himself or his parents.  But he is suffering, his parents are suffering, and he and his father are, in the fashion of depressed people everywhere, both uninterested in doing things on their own and resistant to receiving help from other people.

    Any thoughts?

  • by: Mapper - 3 days 8 hours ago

    Sigh. I knew he was going to forget too. I told H Monday evening that my department get together was Tuesday after work. I purposely told him when I had his full attention and he wasn't watching tv or surfing the internet. He said "Oh that sounds like fun. I'll just work late tomorrow then." Well I checked his clock out time online and he didn't work any later than usual. I sent him a text at 4:30 saying "I'm off for wine and apps. See you in a few hours". I wasn't going to send him a text but I figured I should just in case he wonders where I am when I'm not home by 5PM and knowing that he probably did forget. I didn't get a response from him until 6:23 when I was about 20 minutes from being home saying "LOL I totally forgot you had this. Have fun". So obviously he hadn't checked his phone until that time because when I got home he was just finishing up cooking our dinner for the evening when I told him I'd be eating out that night. It makes me wonder how much he really cares where I am when it doesn't hit him until over an hour after I should have been home where I might be! 

  • by: TTT - 4 days 23 hours ago

    after years of therapy, and 22 years of bullying and the roller coaster that I've come to learn is ADD without the Hyperactivity component, I convinced my husband that this evaluation and diagnosis could save our marriage.  Additionally, our children are learning to behave like him, and they're just horrible!!  Unfortunately time passed before the appointment, his interested lessened, and he manipulated the situation so that I couldn't go with him.  He came home and said the therapist told him you can't diagnose an adult with ADD if they were not diagnosed as a child.  He said my husband likely has "anxiety issues" and made him an appointment with the psychiatrist for February, 2 months from now!!  He wants to do marriage counseling with us, which we've done with numerous counselors.  I can't do it.  I can't last 2 months, I can't last 2 weeks.  I agreed to give our marriage on last try, because he promised we would go to this appointment together.  I needed this as much or more than he did, it was for us, not him.  I had an apartment lined up and I let it go, I have no trust in him at all.  If this counselor actually told him this, then he must be a quack right?  And if he didn't, then I can't trust my husband and I need to just let him go!  I'm having a horrible time finding a counselor in our area that is familiar with adult ADD, I'm really really frustrated, and absent a diagnosis I'm done.  He asked me what happens if it turns he "doesn't have this" and I told him we're finished.  Absent some explanation, I have to walk away and try to save my sanity before I leap off a bridge.  Who does the diagnosis, and is it true that you can't diagnose an adult who wasn't diagnosed as a child?  Also, is it true that anxiety is treated the same as adult ADD both cognitively and with medication?  Finally, if this guy is a quack, how do I find someone who is not?
     

  • by: kat817 - 6 days 45 min ago

    I decided yesterday I was taking back my life after four years of marriage.

    I can't trust my husband. Most times when I ask him to do something he will not respond, he'll just wait a while and get up and do it. If I remind him, he gets annoyed. He feels useless and hopeless because I can't trust him, because...I can't. He'll do things in his time, which is like a week or sometimes months after I needed them done. He just failed out of school, has no job because I finally drew the line on working and school (he failed last semester while working so I hoped this would get him through). I work 60+ hours a week in a high powered job and am currently doing at least half the chores, all the pet care, and of course bringing in all income. Love-wise, I feel love but of course, I don't feel trust anymore. Sex is non-existent for more complicated reasons, but also....trust. Money is tight, as probably 1/3 of my income goes to keeping him. He sits on his computer and plays online all day. He feels useless and I feel done.

    I've always been in poor health and assumed I couldn't do it all (keep up with life, work, and social life) with my health. I was looking forward to his graduating so I could finally drop down to half time on work and focus on making the household run while still bringing in some money. That's no longer an option. However, I can't continually live life waiting for my husband to finally, finally do the things I need him to do so I can do what I need to do. I'm taking back my life and will just do it all. At that point, it may be that my life is better without him, and I choose to leave. I'm terrified of that option, but it's a reality. Part of the reason he's worth putting up with is because of how supportive he is. But. I'm. Done. At this point, the health risks of doing it all are better than the uncertainty of day, to day, to day. 

    Supposedly he's making an appointment to see if he qualifies for ADHD meds tomorrow....I'll let you know if that gets done in the next month.

  • by: I'm So Exhausted - 1 week 18 hours ago

    What I have come to know and understand is a difference in perception of events in my marriage.

    I like things neat and tidy - not obsessive - and things put away when they are finished being used.  My spouse likes everything right out where he can find it.  The counter is a landing spot for anything and everything.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

    I get very frustrated by the amounts of stuff in the backyard and oozing out of the barn.  My spouse does  not understand why I am bothered by his stuff.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

    So, we ordered and scheduled the installation of some fencing in our yard so we could at least keep the stuff out of sight..  My spouse later   called and canceled - because he did not feel comfortable with spending money.  In this situation, I am unable to say both of us need to feel comfortable with that.  It was important to me.  I picked it, I scheduled it. He agreed.  Then took over.  I feel disrespected and controlled.

    I believe it is important to share problems when they come up.  My spouse believes if he didn't set out to hurt my feelings or upset me - there is nothing to discuss.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.  In this I really do not think I need to learn to accept his behavior as acceptable.

    I think we need to list our household responsibilities and share them.  My spouse doesn't like chores Here is a judgment by Liz  - I think he is very old fashioned in his actions and thought patterns.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.  Funny thing, if we separate, he will have to do all his own stuff anyway.  

    I think it is disrespectful to our possessions to sit on furniture in the living room with dirty/muddy/greasy clothes.  My spouse thinks if you worked all day and are tired, who cares.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

    I am frustrated that my spouse leaves all his clothes, clean and dirty, in baskets in the basement where we do laundry.  He took over all  open space we had.  My spouse doesn't want to put his clothes away in the closet or the dresser.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

    My spouse will share with me some really great idea he got from someone and explain with excitement how he is going to put into practice - the exact same thing that I had been suggesting for years.  A very common event that happens marriages - both ADHD and Non - across the nations - but it still burns my butt.

    I would like a common schedule that we all could follow - at least basic things like dinner times, times to turn off the TV, Saturday and Sunday time sharing, bathroom use.  My spouse is very easy-going and does what he wants when he want.  Usually on a whim.

    The trick is learning to find a way that both partners can feel comfortable.

    I think he is rude to other in our family.  He thinks he is upfront with his opinions.

    I need to learn how to not make his behavior a reflection of me and our marriage.  And understand why he can be rude to others, yet gets VERY offended and often ends relationships if someone says something that offends him.

    I do not know how to justify in my brain that he can 'dish it out' but 'he can't take it.'

    I think we need to discuss and resolve some unfinished matters. It is small relevance to hear him say, "I am sorry" because he is told he is supposed to say it.  It adds insultto injury when he will follow up with telling me he knows he is right.  

    We used to be able to attend family parties together.  Now my spouse does not like to go because he doesn't want to be around So-and-So,,, which is an ever growing list.

    I need to learn how to be Liz, and not a couple.  

    I started out in counseling because I felt I got lost in our relationship.  My opinions only mattered if my spouse agreed with them. He would get mad if he didn't get his way, since his way was the right way, and mine made no sense to him.  I felt very controlled by his anger.  

    I am learning to be self reliant.  I still do the administration of his construction business since everything we have - including our debt - is tied up together.  I feel we both have a lot to do.  He feels he does the lion's share, "I do not have a job that pays any income" - and in comments like that he shows no value in the work I do  for his business.   Funny thing, if we separate, he will have to do all his own paperwork, or hire a bookkeeper.

    I had hoped we would find a way to work things out together.  He is shutting himself off from me and our families.  I thought he was angry.  Now, he is also a bully.  "I am the man of the house, I need to proclaim my rightful place."  

    I continue to take college classes.  I continue to apply for jobs.  I do not have any plans to get a job to pool our finances.  I plan to find a job so I can support myself, and start a new life. 

    I thought counseling would fix my marriage.  It has surely helped me see that if someone does not want to address how they may be adding to the problem - things will never get better.  Oh, unless I revert to my behavior 5 years ago, and let him be right, back down from everything, and throw in the towel on being seen, heard or respected in a way that I need.   

    Our relationship is not about who is right and who is wrong.  It is about acceptance and honor and working things out together.  I don't have that, and it is just not acceptable any more.  Doesn't make my spouse bad - it just makes him someone I do not want to be close to or with whom I enjoy spending time.  

     

    Liz

     

     

     

     

     

  • by: Best2You - 1 week 1 day ago

    Hello,

    I've been wondering what the long-term effects of angry outbursts are on children. By angry outbursts I mean yelling, pounding fists on things, maybe a curse words at anything from spilled water to traffic jams, to cars not going fast enough, power outages etc. They can happen once daily sometimes more or less, depending on the mood. How does this affect young children who witness this behavior from their ADHD father? Would like to hear from anyone. If you experienced it as a child or with your children who are now grown up, would like to hear that as well!

    Best2you

  • by: Mapper - 1 week 2 days ago

    H has been happy lately. Going to his job on a regular basis, in a good mood when I get home every night, talkative. He's been working with people he likes. He said his partner is awesome, his lead is awesome, but yet he wants to switch over to 2nd shift come Feb. He said he wants something new and it's to the point where he can't let others bring him down and just go into work and do his job. So he's really liked his partner and has said he's going through some rough times and he wants to help him out. Okay great.

    Well yesterday I knew something was up before I got home just by the subtle things I found. I still check his clocking history on his work website to see when he gets in and when he leaves. Yesterday he clocked out an hour early. I figured he was either tired or sick or was upset with a coworker. An hour later he was on Facebook so I messaged him "Are you working OT?" which I knew he wasn't because I saw he clocked out earlier but I wanted to see his reasoning since he said he was going to work extra. He simply replied with "no". No reason why and no elaboration and no tellign me he was already home. Then he logged off. Another red flag that something was wrong. I get home and I see that the outside Christmas lights aren't plugged in, He has had them plugged in every night I've come home. Another red flag. I walk through the door and rather than get my usual happy "Hi Honey" and a kiss I get "Oh it's you". Big red flag. The litter box, which he promised he'd scrape every day he got home, wasn't scraped and he barely talked to me. I finally say "Have a good day?" and he goes "No. The job didn't get started until later and my partner was in la-la land all day and we made a mistake." Okay. You JUST told me the night before that you have to stop coworkers ruining your mood then you come home and rant about how it all went wrong. You had 4 hours to get this to of your system before I got home, yet here you are making me feel crappy because things didn't go quite right.

    I hate the fact that I always come home in a good mood and my good mood continuing depends on his mood. If he's upset, I get quiet and withdrawn. If he's in a good mood, then we have a good night. He made himself a plate of food last night and didn't even ask me if I wanted anything. I didn't eat because I was too upset with his mood. He seemed fine later on but I am afraid he is going to get into a funk again. We have my company Xmas party tomorrow night and it wouldn't surprise me if he comes home tomorrow and goes "I'm tired. Do you mind just going by yourself?" Yes I mind! You've known about this for over a month and you've been excited about it and now you are backing out. He dos this all the time.

  • by: nickyadams6 - 1 week 3 days ago

     

    whenever I ask about our money situation I get a mouthful. My husband had a heart attack in feb and has stopped smoking and taking drugs which ate up a lot of our funds. I used to work in musical theatre , but after 20 years needed to move away from that genre. So I do freelance now. I've learnt so much on what you say and what to feel etc. But I can't get my head around the fact that I feel like something is up. I'm not a money orientated person. When he gives me money every week I sort out all of the bills and do the food shopping . As I said everything else's out his adhd I'm learning about and sorting , but this is a tricky one. It's about trust and on that level I don't think I do

    Nicky

     

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