Recent Topics

  • by: julie sharp - 1 day 22 hours ago
    My husband has never been treated for his ADHD. There for he never writes anything down and consequently never remembers anything. He is not willing to try. When he is questioned he just remains silent or becomes aggressive. What am I meant to do? I am in a wheelchair you have no choice but to book transport 24 hours in advance you cannot wait til the day and decide to travel. You have to plan in advance. This seems impossible for my husband. I know it untreated ADHD but how can I cope with his spontaneous if the world want wheelchairs to book in advance?!
  • by: JJamieson - 2 days 12 hours ago
  • by: Magsssmae - 3 days 10 hours ago

    I just joined this site and boy am I glad I did! My husband and I have been married almost 2 years and have been together for 6. I always new that he had ADD and it was never really an issue. When he and I first started dating, he was on his medication for it and he was everything I wanted in a person, (fun, sweet, family oriented, responsible, caring.. the list goes on). One day he stopped taking his medication and just changed, became lazy, irresponsible, never wanted to be around his family, was doing bad in school, making bad decisions. I contributed it to his age (17), and that he was going through a rebellious stage. He and I were young, I didn't like it, but we didn't have any responsibilities so I never really new the impact it would have. I ended up getting pregnant and that's when I new that it wasn't just his age, because not even having a child would make him motivated to do the right thing and be responsible. Well, one day I had enough of basically being a single parent! He wouldn't work, made crappy decisions, and was not taking on the responsibilities a father should, young or not. I left him and he decided to do what's right and joined the Marine Corps. He and I got married, we were 20 years old and I thought "this was it! he was finally going to grow up and do what's right by his family!" And he did, for a while. He was doing what he had to do because he was forced to but I knew if given the opportunity, he would go back to his old ways. I did everything around the house, and getting him to take out the trash or unload the dishwasher was a chore in itself. I would nag him which would just bother us both because he thought it was annoying and I thought why can't a grown man just take the trash out when I do everything else! Well the military ended, and we moved back home and I was scared to death that things would go back to him being unmotivated, lazy, and making horrible decisions without taking in to account how it would make me feel. Well, they did go back. He would be out all night with his friends hanging out, not waking up for work, not answering the phone, barely spending any time with his daughter. And I would get angry and say "You are married! You are not a teenager anymore, you have responsibilities, and me being your wife you have to take into consideration how the things you are doing makes me feel!" And he would say "you're right, I will try to be around more" but the next day he was doing the same thing. He would tell me he knew and would do things differently but wouldn't follow through, and he would never stop and think how it was hurting me. So here we are, separated because he got sick of hearing me nagging and fighting with him about it, and me sick of actually dealing with it. And the other day, he posted an article on his facebook about "20 things to remember when you love someone with ADD." I read the article and it described him and our situation to a t. I always new that he was ADD, but I had no idea that it was possibly a contributing factor to his behavior. I thought that he was just lazy and didn't want to grow up. Now that I have read a bit about it, I feel like I understand him more and want to find ways to fight through this with him. I want to better handle these situations and I want to better understand my husband, because I thought he just didn't care. I know in the end, he makes his own decisions and he can't blame all of his bad choices on having ADD, but I want us to find ways to help each other thrive and be the best that we can be. So my question his, how do I handle him?!

  • by: JJamieson - 3 days 11 hours ago

    Hi All,

    It's me again......I feel I owe you all an explanation in that.....I discovered why I came here ( quite by accident and randomly to add).  That and to apologize for what probably seemed to be a contradiction at times in all the posts I've made here.  I'm sure it did to a point and to that same point....it's what I was doing without actually knowing it.  Specifically, it was trying to find or put a name or face to my angry voice.  To me....I felt like a fish swimming downstream the wrong way during spawning season as well.lol   I was working mainly off of intuition as I have discovered that I can actually trust it now more than I ever have....this is a big deal for me since I have been so easily swayed and thrown off course by others and distrusting it in my past because of being so co-dependent in my past relationships.

    I'd like to start over from the beginning here ( instead of working backwards from the problem ) as I've been doing and retrace my steps for anyone reading this and I think this will all begin to make sense.

    I am: "Avoidant Insecure (Attachment).... as a child develops into the minimization of emotional attachments later in life. The child doesn't learn how to develop the trust that their needs will be meet. These children are prone to becoming compulsively self-reliant and emotionally restrained."

    I'm not going to argue with this in the least with the only exception......to what degree?  That's where many of my contradictions originate from however.  You'll see in a minute.

    Edit: realizing that I have some Anxious/Insecure component as well ( like my oldest sister explained below).......this is more subliminal but was enacted when I married my ex-wife who fell into the immature female/Histrionic spectrum.  This I believe is the source for my co-dependence....both in fitting with  cluster B partner and the immature male profile.

    Side Note:  I think this is where the Narcissistic tendencies in appearance come from.....immature male romantic partner definition fitting better than Narcissism.  I think this is something anyone also needs to put into an evaluation of their partners behaviors.    The behaviors may be just as hurtful for their partner but the diagnosis and potential for change may be different as well.  Maybe yes, maybe no?  I see this in myself and my obvious ability to adapt and change versus my experience with a Narcissist.  Naivety and emotional maturity/immaturity I see differently than emotional intelligence and experience.  With one  there is room to grow....the other there is not.

    I don't see emotional immaturity specifically mentioned or discussed much with ADHD. This may not look immature on the outside either.(unlike me)  People with ADHD can be slow to develop ( like me) for various reasons....and look Narcissistic emotionally without having the core components or lack of empathy which is the real damaging component.  I think this is where it gets complicated in trying to access other people.  All Narcissist appear to be immature (or stunted) at some level in their psyche but not all immature people are Narcissists.

    Studies have shown that females have an innate male attraction to ( mature male features...looks)...more so than men when responding to women.  Within these studies it was shown a bias or assumption in thinking that this relates directly to a mans competence and maturity.  Something to second guess your self if your a woman looking at a man.

    Avoidandt  Attitudinally, AvAD children are contemptuous of sadness- they define it as the “stuff of sissies”.  A goodly percentage of these children lie somewhere along the spectrum of depressive disorders.

    Oh yeah......big time!!!   again....to what degree?  Too soon to tell.

    HencPrimary emotion:  The predominant emotion in Avoidant AD (AvAD) children is sadness which is related to a significant sense of emptiness / loneliness. However, the world sees little or none of their sadness or loneliness. 

    True......this was my primary source for my emotions while growing up

    AvAD children believe their sadness is infinite, and should they lapse into it, they see no exit.  e, they go to extraordinary lengths to avoid any expression of it, and usually effectively shield themselves from even recognizing their sadness. 

    Not so much.....at least not seeing any exit from it.  I became a great escape artist....not necessarily internally (from disassociating coping strategies although present)  finding alternative sources for re-attaching in the real external world.  Both Good and bad.  Also......attachement to mother but identifying with father however......this relationship became somewhat mixed and variable....more contradiction and cycling back and forth through inconsistencies in parenting.  bottom line......I was also good at scavenging= resilient and resourceful =  optimistic world view carried throughout my life.  Seeing things as, no matter how bad it gets, there's always a light just around the corner.  That is what defines me and is my life force.

    Their internal shields work so well that they often truly do not think they are sad. 

    Again.....no not really.  I felt sad and lonely a lot and I knew it without question.  I thought it was "growing pains"......back to being stoic or learning how to be this way so I could integrate with the outside world and be social.  Also,  identifying with my Dad who was a successful Narcissist and seeing how he interacted with people.  I learned through observation but it really didn't fit.....I always felt like it was "playing a role" which was as a young boy...the one that was handed me.  Not with my mother or my sisters however.....they loved to indulge me and didn't encourage playing the "macho" part at all.  They were also much older than I was so I was their cute little brother.  Always kind and caring which they are still today....my mom too however, there's more to it yet to come.

    What AvAD children do feel is an anxious edge in quieter moments.  They rarely relax, lest their sadness “creep up” on them.  Their hypervigilance is aimed at deflecting anything that might activate their sadness.  As physical and emotional closeness carries a high potential for triggering their sadness, AvAD children avoid closeness.  They can readily perceive adult efforts to promote closeness as malicious. 

    ehhh.....yes and no but not really applicable except for the relaxing part and the sadness that creeped up this way came and went and was not pervasive or persistent all the time. ( ADHD here I'm thinking in part?)  I got this diagnosis off the internet description of  Avoidant/insecure avoidant personality disorder.  Simply saying that I had a predominate sense of sadness loneliness and at times feeling empty but would be more accurate...... but the fundamental classification is spot on.  There is a nurture vs nature component to this and the nature was that I was the youngest by some years and my parents were older than most of my peers parents at the time.  This was not difficult for me to comprehend but still that being only one factor. My fathers focus was on his career and my mother's focus was on my sisters who's lives weren centered around activities and a (somewhat immature female idealized/fantacy.... princess, ballerina ) which I was both not interested in and somewhat contemptuous of.  Not my sisters....the fantasy.  I also recognized early that this emanated from my mother who I learned early on as well......was not a reliable source for good advise when it came to dealing with the outside world.  I didn't respond with a sense of malicious intent that I recall.....I responded more as the explorer who returned to the castle with news from the outside world while the King was away on conquest.  This proved to have mixed and many times unexplained irrational moments in my mothers reactions.  "But Mom,  I'm telling you....the world is round why won't you believe me!!!"

    That's a key word right there....contempt.  I see this clearly different than envy which it is......and to reiterate, not wanting any part of it from a very early age which in my case was easy.  I was in many respects "invisible" during this time which proved to be both a salvation and a curse.  It left me plenty of avenues for escape (physically) and exit the back door of my families drama.

    Primary behavior:  The predominant behavioral strategy utilized by AvAD children is passive-aggressive behavior.  Various behaviors are employed for their nuisance effect in order to pollute the air with tension, which minimizes chances of their sadness being awakened.  Tasks are commonly done quite slowly, including ones they may want to do, to generate frustration in others, which again, buffers any sadness.  Promises made are usually broken for the same reason.  The speech of AvAD children is sprinkled with unintelligible muttering which is yet another passive-aggressive variant to create irritation and block sadness.  AvAD children do not engage in incessant chattering, and when they do, that can indicate that their sadness has been stirred

    I was all over the place in here  however......yes, quite stoic and reserved......well mannered and polite and very quiet and not talkative ( the chattering ) just like it says.....however, promises were made and kept....period!  No room for that in my household.  (Duty, honor and obey  "chop, chop.....hubba, hubba!" )  This was not me. ....could have been though under less strict circumstances.( lots of fear instead ). Mom was big on manners and etiquette ( in preparation for the debutante ball/cotillion)...Dad was big on obedience  ( to keep the subordinates in line)

    Passive aggressive behavior?  Are you kidding me.....get out of town!!! lol  I'll come back to this.

    Boys and Girls do not follow similar development trends with Avoidant Insecure Attachment. Girls will internalize the insecurities developing low self-worth if not actively engaged in helping others, becoming ambivalent. Boys will externalize their insecurities; this behavior is commonly referred to as “acting out”, which is preceded and followed by withdrawal from others. This is highly evident in intimate relationships were the insecure avoidant person will need constant confirmation of relationship status through touch. The common behavior diversifies through maturation and the effects are usually diffused. (Davis pg. 2)

    Oldest sister= -anxious-avoidant/insecure like me but with fear and distrust of outside world......withdrew into books. Voracious reader...magna cum laude w/advanced degrees in English Lit.  IQ off the chart. Her behavior might be viewed as closed off, stand offish, Type A, lots of fear and not very feeling.....somewhat Narcissistic like which is not the case at all once you witness her actions and get to know her which prove just the opposite... except still very introverted.  A contradiction just like me........ except the female version like this describes (and much smarter in most respects but doesn't show)  You can't judge a book by it's cover........until you read it.  And like,  me but only later.....stepped out of the princess role she was in but then later returned to it in a different way.....uncomfortable (fearful) being outside the castle walls too long and found herself a successful King like my dad.  I did try for a while but I found that once you leave the magic Kingdom there is no return entry. We're both co-dependent. Funny how that works?

    Avoidant Insecure Attachment as a child develops into the minimization of emotional attachments later in life. The child doesn't learn how to develop the trust that their needs will be meet. These children are prone to becoming compulsively self-reliant and emotionally restrained.

    Avoidant Insecure Attachment has been linked to anti-social behavior in males, but the link is not consistent with the greater population of men categorized as such.

    Avoidant Insecure Attachment can be corrected by higher responsiveness to the child's needs and the allowance of negative assertion of their needs.

    There is a lot in here to comment on mostly true as it applies to me to varying degrees but......within this lies many inconsistencies and contradictions as well.

      My objective to this however is not to download my personal history.  It's an attempt to give an accurate case study ( me ) to help clarify (or demystify) many of the discussions here in this forum with an actual real life account in comparison to the clinical descriptions, labels and terms used.....( attachment theory in real time and one possible conclusion) as well as the many contradictions that are real ( or possible ).

    I see my audience as mostly the woman who have been wanting answers to their husbands, future or past relationships and specifically to ones who are recovering or trying to identify Narcs now or in the future................. in the hope that some answers might be here for you?

    That's my intent.

      I also have my own personal punch line and conclusion ( my personal agenda and goal)....concerning my wife and what I am calling a huge success both for us that involves the full gamut of things being discussed here (communication, Narcissism, child abuse in relation to attachment theory, co-dependence, anger.....

    and the aftermath ( and healing) of being in a toxic relationship with a real sociopath as well as a number of other relationships in my life involving a variety of cluster -B folks with me having all the classic co-dependent components that fit to a T, a perfect fit!....unfortunately;(

    There is a happy ending so please bear with me....there's more to come:)

    I also wanted to say here that part of what I was doing previously was letting my Narcissistic freak flag fly in my earlier posts....this was the learned one that I adopted so to speak.  In reality.....it had more to do with finding my angry voice within my many contradictions, my self betrayal ....and returning to a role I no longer play unless it gets incited or am in specific company.  I am ( or have been) a contradiction in terms in many ways and right there is where I have found many of my answers.....the betrayal of myself and my angry voice ( putting a voice to my anger so I could speak to my wife from it.....not in anger but so she could see it, hear it and understand it.  I did this and it worked.  That's what I was here to do.....

    I see now how I needed to immerse myself in it and go back a bit to be able to see these things better ( to make the contrasts appear to myself)  I had this opportunity from what I experienced with my mother passing this year and my gut told me now was my chance.  

    To continue: My Mother's Family

    Her Father: appeared stable,mild mannered (submissive co-dependent)

    Her Mother( my grandmother)  anxious/ preoccupied with childhood trauma.  Eldest of 8 siblings....early in life caregiver responsibilities. Extremely domineering and socially and personally invasive and over bearing. Little or no respect for boundaries of others. Puritanical Dominatrix

    Her older sister; preoccupied/anxious, Borderline/Histrionic, gifted Musician...died early from alcoholism,  sisters oldest daughter: pregnant at 15, Actress ( Histrionic/disorganized attachment), died early 30's drug overdose suspected suicide, second daughter: successful artist/painter, emotionally and physically fragile and unstable (disorganized attachment)

    My Mother:anxious preoccupied/avoidant co-dependent, strong religious and spiritual conviction. sexually molested by church elder when young.  Said she told her mother.....who responded in abject denial and invited him back several more times for Sunday dinner for a repeat.  I was stunned when she told me this only 10 years before she died.

    All I can say about my mothers family (what I know as they lived out of state) was it was a three ring circus/ power struggle....my grandfather appeared to be window dressing.  It was a female dominated show as there were no other males involved any where in sight (no extended family contact) with two Queens battling for seniority and one princess acting as referee ( my mother ).  My only comment about my grandmother is when she came to take care of us once....remembering her coming to stay with us when my parents went away for a week once.  My mom called to see how we were doing ( I was 7 or 8 )...and all I remember was me asking......"how long until you come home and Grandmother leaves?"  That was after 3 or 4 days.  I think this says a lot?

    My oldest sister recounted her version much later in life saying " I just remembered her as a sweet old lady when I was young so I decided to go visit and stay with her for a few days.  My second eldest sister said when she arrived to pick up my other sister to return to LA said " before I had pulled the car up to the house still moving up the drive way....L came dashing out of the house with her suitcase in her hand and threw it in the back seat before I even had a chance to turn off the engine.... got in the car..... closed the door waving goodbye at the same time,"  lol  enough said.

     

    My Father's family:

    His Father ( my grandfather )  Very little is known or was ever talked about involving my grandfather.  I never met him and saw maybe only one picture of him.  Everything I know was told to me by my mother who met him shortly before he passed away.  My father never mentioned him ever even though the family unit stayed together for their lifetime. What I do know is that his mother ran away with a sea captain and was never heard from again.  His father was sent to the US to be raised by his sister and her son (his half brother) outside of St Lois MO. 

    When the two boys grew up they moved to St Loius and opened a drapery cleaning business.  The fact was that the drapery business was just a front for a street cellar speak easy during prohibition.  My father when he was 9 or 10 and first learned to drive when he helped my great uncle make his deliveries and then stop at his saloon to make liquor deliveries also.  Since my great uncle did not want to draw attention to his location, my father would drive around and around the block while my great uncle went inside and have a "snort" with the boys and make the drop off.

    The rest of the picture I pieced together on my own by hearing some more stories and reading between the lines as I could see they were downplayed a bit for my sake.  I understood this later as I do remember listening to these colorful stories and soaked every ounce of them up thinking they were "cool" at the time.  This was a part of my father's history that he was trying to leave behind....out of shame and wanting more for himself and his family and to rise above it... he looked down on his father for his experience growing up as he felt that he was better than this and never wanted me to emulate his past.

    The bits and pieces of the story that I came to was this: during prohibition the only source for liquor came through organized crime in Chicago.  The infamous ones ( Al Capone and the like) which were only a few hours drive from St Louis.  While my grandfather was not directly associated with them he had indirect dealings with them get his saloons alcohol supplies.  I heard enough related stories from my father to figure this out and my father at different times was exposed to some pretty scary people in his young life.  It was the part that my father in everyway I knew him did everything that he could to hide ( becoming an executive  for a major corp.)  However, there was an aspect to my father when I came to this realization that fit well within this.  He carried with the street smarts and skills that would allow someone to survive the life he had growing up and replaced it with being an excellent leader of people with an exemplary record of service, duty and skill both in the military (WWII) as an officer and later in his career.  He was a well loved leader in his industry with an intuition and intelligence that allowed him to rise to the top of his field.  Duty, honor and reliability was his second name.  Unfortunately.....this was all he had to offer as a husband and father to our family which does not translate well from business leader to family leader.  He demanded respect above love as he only had that to give...but he gave what he had and in this much we learned these lessons well.

    I'm calling my grandfather: insecure/disorganized Antisocial/Npd ......from everything that I know...... as my father appeared to harbor a life time of anger and resentment to him by the accounts of my mother.

    more to come...................

  • by: lg1062 - 3 days 12 hours ago

    How do you deal with an ADHD husband that can't/won't hold down a job? I have been the breadwinner for the duration of our marriage (13 years) and realize I have enabled him to "do his own thing" without concern about helping to support our family. He has held a couple of jobs for more than 2 years and he also likes to start his own businesses, but in either case when he runs into difficulties or has conflicts with others, he jumps ship. I know I've allowed this to go on for a long time, so how do I start dealing with this or is it too late?

     

  • by: callie - 3 days 13 hours ago

    Does anyone else have this problem with their spouse?  My husband will leave doors open all the time - back door, front door, garage door, microwave oven door, cabinet doors. The house door situation is a BIG problem because when my daughter visits, her dog will bolt out any open door.   Now my daughter refuses to let me babysit the dog (whom we both love) because she doesn't trust my husband to shut the doors.   Not to mention letting the heat/air out and bugs in!   I have asked nicely, begged, screamed and nothing seems to work.  I usually just end up cleaning and closing doors because it seems hopeless.  We have been married 11 years and it just keeps getting worse. (we both work full-time) HELP! I need suggestions.

    I think he may be ADD because he is also a slob - won't pick up clothes, has PILES of stuff everywhere, unfinished projects in the yard, a garage that you can barely walk through, leaves shoes wherever he takes them off, dirty plates/empty bottles go wherever he is and live there until I put them away. .  Then gets mad at me when I throw a pile of papers/mail away after it has been laying around for months.

    Don't get me wrong -  great husband, other than the clutter and the DOOR thingy....

     

     

  • by: kathy1208 - 3 days 14 hours ago

    Hey everyone, I've written about this on here before but I am back.  I am 32 and my husband is 30.  We've been married for a year and together for five.  For the first 4 years, I was in law school at night will working full time, then graduated and was studying for the bar exam at night while working full time, then just tense waiting for results and hoping i'd have a job.  Well I did pass in May, 2013 and my employer hired me as an attorney right away, and I see that May 2013 moment as the point from which my high strung, stressed out, work out law school self began to slowly fade and the calm and patient me slowly started to return.  It's now been 17 months and I am probably 90% back to "normal".

    I say this bc when me and my ADHD husband got together, it was a volatile combo bc he is a loose canon/emotional guy and while I would normally say i am NOT, the few years i was in law school and working so much and trying to get the best grades all while it seems the law profession was imploding, im building up my school loand debt, my old dog was very sick and dying, etc., it was like a period of nonstop stress for me and i was my most emotional, unstable self.  Now that it's all smoothed over I feel a million times better and the nerves are no longer shot. BUT, the problem with all that was that I think bc i was sometimes behaving just as badly as my husband in the emotional/loose canon department, and also responding in kind to HIS behavior like that, i think we formed a lot of bad habits.

    Anyway here we are, and we are to a point where, i am back to normal and it's basically like, depending on the week, once a week (maybe even once a day if hes on edge about work or something), my husband is having an emotional meltdown about something and im just standing there, completely calm, just sort of wondering how in the world he can be such a wreck. I think it confuses him bc for four years we were both emotional and both apologizing for overreacting and such, and now were at a point where i feel like its me remaining calm and composed constantly and just him embarassing himself one time after another after another....I do notice that he retreats and behaves "well" quicker these days now that i am not there to impliedly condone his behavior by acting similary in response....however, i still worry myself with how to deal with it.

    My problem is that yes, it is GREAT that I am in a peaceful and happy state of mine about life and not feeling codependent toward him, so when he gets that way it leaves me 100% unaffected most of the time and maybe only a little upset other times when i can at least hide it and remain happy....the bad part is that i dont want this to drive a wedge of resentment between us.

    The other night we hosted a wedding reception in the banquet room that is available in the high rise building we live in....it's a long story but me and my husband went upstairs to our condo and were packaging leftovers for the bride and groom (bc i asked him to help) and when i sensed him getting inexplicably annoyed i immediately said, it's ok - nevermind I can do this, you just go back to the party....he is like NO!!! and DEMANDED to do it, even insisting that i move out of the way and do it all....so i left and went back to the party instead of being around that.  Then he was mad that he "had to do it all."

    Later that night i was very honest with him, even though i feel it felt harsh...i told him that there was nothing to be so angry about, and that when i told him nevermid he was free to leave, without my guilting him, and instead he wanted to be this martyr that "did it all himself" and basically he paved the path that was most dramatic and focused on him. I also told him that these emotional outbursts over little or nothing happen at least once a week, and that it's like living with a dramatic, emotional teenage girl. I told him that he needs to learn to be in control of his emotions, and that he lets them control him.  I also let him know that when acts that way he embarasses himself.  Like, when he insisted he put the corn in a tupperware himself, I had started to walk back into our hall to go down the elevator, and he was literally screaming "I DONT EVEN WANT TO BE DEALING WITH THIS I AM GOING TO THROW THIS CORN OFF THE F*CKING BALCONY!!" and i literally just laughed at how absurd and silly and dramatic he sounded, and to make matters worse, while he was yelling this, our neighbor was also standing out there, waiting for the elevtor with his dog and baby. I walk out and im completely fine and shaking my head and hes like "hi how are you?" and we have a nice conversation on the elvator. But like, of course our neighbor I am sure is thinking "ok that guy is nuts."  I told him that our neighbor was right in the hall and heard everything and maybe it would serve him better to not say and do things like that. 

    So my question is, while I DID feel that all HAD to be said that one time, i dnt want to keep talking like that to my husband bc i feel it's emasculating and condescending almost...i mean, yeah it may all be true, but at the same time he is going to grow to resent me if he sees me as this person that is just looking down on him all the time.  The fact is, OTHER than the isolated outbursts like this, he is totally great and sweet and nice and smart and everything, and a really good guy with good intentions....i DO love and respect him EXCEPT for this one thing - so yeah, I guess int he future how do i react to this stuff? I dont expect him to change, at least not based on what i say....i feel like maybe i need to stop talking like that to him and just ignore him completely.....i just dont want him to harbor feelings of resentment toward me, even though it's him behaving badly. 

    I want to deal with his tantrums in the way that is the least damaging to our marriage.

  • by: Mapper - 3 days 17 hours ago

    We currently have 2 cats. I'm happy with two. We used to have 3 and one died last year. It took me a long time to get used to 3 cats since I am a clean freak and am constantly cleaning up cat hair. I love them to death but am not looking to add to our brood. H was gung ho about getting a dog. No no no! A dog is too much work. He finally gave up on that idea and said we should get a kitten. I finally got on board with that after a few weeks and got excited about it and said we should go to the shelter that weekend. Well it seems like as soon as I got excited about a kitten he was no longer interested and never went to the shelter and stopped talking about it. Then he finds out his mom has like 30 strays in her barn and she offers to bring one out for us. H then tells her to bring 2. I really do not want 4 cats but he says we'll be helping her out by taking them. I'm sorry she has so many but that doesn't mean we need to become the crazy cat couple to help her out! This isn't a "Oh they are so cute and we are doing good by taking 2" because this is a 15-20 year commitment. I can totally see him regretting getting 2 on top of the 2 we have a few weeks after we get them. I foresee them peeing all over the house seeing as how they are outside cats, but he thinks we are doing good by helping her out.

    Same goes for tipping. H can barely get by check to check and if I wasn't here to help out he would probably be living on the street. Yet he'll go out and have a $15 meal and leave a $10 tip because he feels the bartender or the waiter has to make enough to live. You aren't a millionaire...not even close! 20% of $15 is $3 and that is enough. I don't understand why he feels he needs to tip everyone above and beyond. We go to our usual bar and work up a $50 tab and I only give an $8 tip and he freaks out because I should have given them twice that. He thinks if we tip really well we'll get stronger drinks. Whatever! I am not flippant about giving my money to strangers because he seems to think that everyone workgin at a restaurant is nearly broke and needs his money to get by.

    It's great that he's has that do-gooder spirit but I hate the fact that he does it to help others out when he can barely get by himself.

  • by: Cdjackets - 3 days 23 hours ago

    I have been married for 34 years was diagnosed about 12 years ago with ADD, Bipolar, and Depression. My husband has no sympathy, support, caring, or understanding for me. I lose things then that makes me irresponsible. I am an impulsive shopper no matter ho hard I want to stay on the list. I have begged for hep with this and my kids and my husband all think I should just change my behavior. I am constantly late. I try's hard. Noe I am writing the time for my appointment to be earlier but he still thinks I am irresponsible. I am messy . He hates it. He is a marriage counselor and sees clients at night Sao there is no way I can cook dinner. It is a home office. The worst problem is that I am loud and raise my voice and speak disrespectfully to him. We fight about that. I am sick of being put down, laughed at, criticized, blamed mad I feel lower than low. If I could I would leave. I need the insurance is on reason I can't leave. The history of our relationship and our families keep me here plus I gave no where to go or live. Every one will be mad at me. How can I live the rest of my life like this. I am so unhappy. I pray every night that I will wake up the next day an every thing will be new and refreshed and the love will be back. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. Any tips for me?

  • by: Standing - 4 days 14 hours ago

    Not Respecting Other People versus Being Unaware and not showing respect for other peoples' belongings, time, or space.

    I'd like to hear what others, including those diagnosed with add, think about this.

    My husband is diagnosed both npd and add. He definitely has unawareness, but I've also seen clearly that he has no respect for other people as valuable individuals in their own right.

    He's only interested in you if you may be of use to him and then, only to the extent that your "stuff" may either aid or inhibit his cause. He's content to get a sound byte about you, he puts you into a box - plumber, roofer, numbers guy, responsible sort, whatever - for possible future use. Because he truly believes that the world works by people using other people, the I scratch your back, you scratch mine philosophy, he will be "nice" to you and butter you up with acts of "kindness", as long as he wants you dangling from his string. This is how he functions. Trust me, I've seen it in living color for 10 1/2 years and now have the diagnosis to substantiate it.

    My personal theory is that add alone can come across in a similar way, but lacks the mindset behind what I see in my spouse. Plain old ADD does not have the engrained sense of entitlement that he displays, or the utter lack of concern for others' feelings. ADD may be overwhelmed by feelings and not be able to readily empathise, but people with add do not view feelings as inherently weak and despicable. Does that make sense? This goes far beyond a person being pragmatic. What I'm talking about here is someone who, when push comes to shove, assumes that you are using your feelings to manipulate him. Why? I think, because that's what he does to others.

    A neighbor may borrow a tool and neglect to return it, but this particular personality will borrow it as though the only reason you had it is cuz he needed to use it and when he is done, the tool (along with your ownership of it) becomes irrelevant.

    Yikes.

     

     

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