by: julie sharp -
11 hours 52 min ago
On Saturday I googled ADHD and found this site. I am female. I bought the kindle version of The ADHD effect on marriage. My husband is reading it too me. The book has brought such relief to both of us so much relief! I finally feel heard! We have been married just over three years. Our life is very complicated. I have triple x syndrome and require carers. My husband told social services he would do my care. From the book I now see he did have every intention to do my care but his undiagnosed ADHD has prevented him.(he is waiting to see a psychiatrist for ADHD and depression). We are totally stuck till we get the formal diagnosis as no one listens to me that he forgets to do my care.I get so angry with everyone and so upset. Does anyone have any temporary ideas til he sees a psychiatrist?
by: paulllywaullly -
19 hours 22 min ago
I need advice. My boyfriend gets very aggressive and angry when he feels that another driver has "wronged" him, and it scares me. Every time it happens, we argue because he doesn't get that he's putting people at risk.
I'm tired of arguing with him about it. I've told him that it scares me, puts me at risk, dangers my life, we don't know what the other drivier is capable of, theres always 2 ways to handle a situation and he chooses the dangerous way, he's not teaching anyone a lesson by getting back at them, he needs to control his anger, what if I was pregnant, what if there was an accident, you can drive however you want when you're alone but you can't drive this way with me in the car, is this how you carry precious cargo, etc....
I've tried every line I could think of and I've said them all humorously, seriously, and then angrily. The only thing he'll apologize for is that I thought my life was at risk ("but you're the only one that felt that way"...his words). So, it happens again...and we argue again...
So does anyone have any advice as to how to talk to someone with ADHD about their aggressive driving? Any other tactics I could try??
by: Rosered -
1 day 5 hours ago
My husband called last night and left a message on the answering machine. He called to wish me a happy birthday but most of the message was taken up by nearly incoherent mumbling about how he's unhappy. I'm sorry my husband is unhappy and I'd like to tell him that but I want to avoid saying anything that would imply that I or anyone else will be rescuing him. Helplessness is a long-running tune in my husband's playlist. My past attempts to be provide help have been brushed or shoved off, as perhaps they should have been. So, does anyone have any suggestions for what I can say that will convey my sympathy but also convey that if my husband wants things to change, he's the only one who can be the force for change for himself?
by: Standing -
1 day 8 hours ago
Recently my spouse was preaching to me about the great strides he has made in reducing his spending.
I am the bookkeeper, with full access to both business and personal accounts.
For the first time ever, i did not reply with my usual weak comment about putting a bit more focus on prioritizing purchases beforehand, to which he would give the usual cursory assent and proceed to do just exactly as he pleases, unilaterally breaking the bank. This time, with all of the power vested in me by my filed papers for legal separation, i calmly and gently listed the hundreds of dollars which he had withdrawn from his personal account over the past few weeks. Eyebrows up, he demanded to know why... (why i was checking his personal acct. but then his voice trailed off, like, o yeah, she manages all the bills and deposits my checks.). Then. He. Said. : What do you think I spent it on?!?
translated: "you cannot tell or prove how i used that money, so naaa naaa nah boo boo "
Then: "how much do you have in your account?!!?"
And i said, "Nunya."
First time ever. I knew my rights and enforced them.
Counseling is good!!
by: c ur self -
1 day 14 hours ago
Don't you want to see the big picture? I think most of my life has been lived with tunnel vision, and poor site to go along with that. I think the largest negative contributors to my inability to see the big picture is my love for myself, my emotions and my lack of knowledge. Have you ever saw a little league coach who knows very little about the game, and maybe he didn't prepare his team vs. an experienced coach who's team has been practiced? The experienced coach many times is calm, he see's the big picture. Where the coach with limited knowledge and preparation will frustrate easily, and may show it by blaming the umpire, hollering at the kids...anything but himself of course...I think this is the way I've treated life, and my marriage relationships many times. It has just become more clear to me as my wife and I's differences spawned so much hopelessness in my tunneled vision heart. The amount of emotional pain I brought on myself over this the past 6 years is staggering. And until I reluctantly started owning it, it was impossible for it to be turned off, or at least down. So, I have to ask myself how do I stop the pain from recurring? The answer is always awareness! Awareness that your enemy is your emotions, your self love, and your lack of knowledge. Why is this hard? Because I want to relax with her, and have things in common. Like us for one...But, here is the problem. Every time I get comfortable enough to let down on my awareness and drift off into my tunnel view of what a marriage should be like...I run into the brick wall of difference. Yep!, acceptance it is:)...It may be lonely much of the time...But, the big picture is, she has a reality, and I have a reality...And there is only a certain few positive things that can help them to intertwine...And seeking or thinking I can force them only destroy's my peace, because the results are always negative, Plus, regardless of my desired out come, the act of trying to force another adult is control. Which is, quiet a desperate and delusional act...
by: dvance -
2 days 3 hours ago
So yes, Iooked at my ADHD husband's email--you would think I would know better--I always find something upsetting. And sure enough--two emails, one from yesterday and one from two days ago from a woman he met when he was inpatient for a week in the psych ward two years ago telling him he will always be the man she loved most and all she has now is memories of a few wonderful weeks. How she wishes she had tried harder to make a life with him and HIS BOYS. WOW. While I can tell you I couldn't care less what he does with her, she will NEVER get near my sons. She was inpatient for self harm, addiction, a whole host of sad and troublesome behaviors. How bizarre. I wonder what they did during those "few wonderful weeks"?? He had not replied to her and I cannot say anything because I should not be checking his email, but jeez--really??? She sent him a youtube video of Barbra Streisand singing The Way We Were. For gods sake.
Do you ever wonder if it's you? If there really is someone else out there who could manage your ADHD spouse better than you can and please would they try so you could have a break????
by: Mapper -
3 days 6 hours ago
As I posted a week ago, H has been really good about going to work EVERY day and staying the ENTIRE day. That part makes me happy. However, I am really tired of these 1/2 done projects that have been sitting around for months. He took down a cabinet and moved it back in January and said he was going to put lighting up in place of it. Nothing has been done. Over 2 months ago he took down a bedroom door that busted and we got a new one. I stained it, but he wanted to lacquer it too so it was shiny. I was not really keen on that because then all the other 5 doors would need to be replaced and have the same treatment done to them. He said it's easy and it will look really good. Okay. So that gets done and he has to chisel out areas on the door for the hinges. He does that and tries to put it up and says the door is just a tad too big, which is odd because it's a standard door. Said he'd have to sand it down or something. The door still sits untouched in our kitchen. Now I'm sure we'll never give the other doors the treatment because this one wasn't easy and it will bother me that one door is so different from the others. Also about this same time I said I wanted a peephole in the front door because I hate not knowing who is there. We go and get one and he immediately goes to put it in and realizes he doesn't have the right drill bit and says he'll get one. Still hasn't gotten one. Has been saying for months that he wants to build a little tool shed out back for everything. Hasn't done a thing there and the tools are getting all rusty because he never puts them back in the garage. He took the old water heater out last week and put in a new one. I was happy he did that and had it done within 2 hours but now the old one sits in our garage. He said he'd load it into the car and take it to the dump on his way home from work and hasn't.
These things just drive me crazy because if it was me, I couldn't wait to get these things done. If I say one word about it I'll hear "Stop nagging me alright. I'll get to it eventually". He sits around in front of the tv and computer all night when he could be crossing all this stuff off his list.
by: Standing -
3 days 7 hours ago
It is too late.
He can perform all the surface changes in the world, but what is beneath is still the person who has done and said so much that's pushed me too far.
Compassion and fear kept me waiting. For years, I bought into the belief that he could not help it. Before I even knew about add and narcissism, I sensed that this is simply how he is.
He can't help it is NOT the same as this is simply how he is. That is the truth with which I am now coming to terms. It hurts. It hurts me for both of us, but he will be fine, continuing to live in the moment.
The counselor said to me - You have so thoroughly lost all respect for your husband that there is nothing he can do now.
Seems so. He cannot become a different person. And even now, when he expresses willingness to let me lead... that is not who I want to be. There is no mutuality in it, only a continual tug of war. Besides, I do not believe him for an instant.
I am so thoroughly burned out now.
He says, "I know that we haven't saved much... BUT"
I wanted to hear, "I'm sorry that I did not think of you and of our future by saving instead of spending, and I am committed to changing that, beginning now. We will save at least 10% of all we make from this day onward."
He says, "Maybe we just need to get out and enjoy it more, get away from it all... BUT"
I want to hear, "What can I do to show you that I value YOU, my wife, above my business and my image."
That brings tears to me. It is the sore spot. I stayed with him there DESPITE all the personal suffering and exhaustion, to be near, to not give up, to maintain hope, to be supportive.
He says, "When I go to bed at night, I think - we have a roof over our heads, food in the frig, and our bills are paid. The Business is doing that. The Business is paying all our bills."
I hear: "Look at what I am doing. Your job is to ensure that I don't crash and burn and that's why you're along for this ride."
I want to hear: I know that the way I do things is not how a Godly husband should and I would like you to help show ME how to manage better, so that you do not have to carry this burden any longer. I am willing to do whatever it takes to become a good, Godly husband."
I hear: "What would it take to make you happy? I just want you to be happy."
I want to hear: "I know from all of our many talks that security and preparation for the future are so important to you and I UNDERSTAND WHY!! I AM SO SORRY THAT I HAVE TAKEN YOU FOR GRANTED AND PUT YOU THROUGH SO MUCH SUFFERING. I GET WHY THIS HAS BEEN SO DIFFICULT FOR YOU!! I DO see why it was so very scary and difficult for you when I, the one with a long history of financial irresponsibility, announced that I was going to start a business. I want to grow up to the point within myself to be your man, your protector, so that you are not alone in this walk and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that we never invite risk like that again, because I do not ever want anything to disappoint you again or destroy your faith in me again. We can protect our futures if I make wise choices now and that is what I am going to do."
I hear: "I would think that you'd be happy not having to work for someone else." "I was thinking of you when I did this, trying to get you away from that last job where they were mistreating you and working you into the ground."
Hey, at least when I worked for a large corporation, I did not have to go home with it at night.
by: dogbabbies -
3 days 20 hours ago
The train has made an emergency stop, those wishing to stay off exit to station to begin immediately learning healthy tools for change, those wishing to continue on doing same old thing, expecting different result please stay seated. Please be aware those who are exiting the train, are choosing to still love those who remain seated, and also choose to try a different approach in order to improve their emotional and physical Heath. And that of their family!
For those who choose to exit, please beware! You are going to encounter blame, attacks, opposition, incorrect perceptions projected onto you, stand firm, this too shall pass! For those remaining on the train you can exit anytime you choose, it is your choice, you will not be manipulated, controlled, or attacked by staying aboard. Please be aware you are will not be allowed to utilize any of those unhealthily skills to coerce your husband,wife,or family member to get back on the train with you!!! You have a right to stay and they have a right to leave and you can choose to join them when ever you wish, and become honest, open and willing to pick up the tool belt of healthy skills it takes to enter the station!
Those entering the station perfection is not required only a willing ness to begin the journey to change and healthiness!!
God Bless you all!!
by: gr8ful -
4 days 17 hours ago
After a long process of learning about and seeing the characteristics of ADHD in our marriage, our family doc has said that he doesn't think my husband has it(he thinks my husband just needs to work less). Initially, it was suggested by my psychologist that he try Dr. Amen's test. The results revealed more than one type of ADHD was present. I stumbled upon this site one day and we downloaded the book. Listening to it is like sheeting our marriage through a looking glass. After feeling so much hope for what possibly was to come with the diagnosis and attempt toward a treatment plan, I feel deflated. We are going to call the Mental Health Hotline in our city tomorrow. I pray that we can get a referral to see a new doc. Does anyone out there have experience with seeing a physician that told you what you didn't want to hear?