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  • by: dweeb - 2 days 2 hours ago

    I don’t know. I don't know what I should do anymore. Many of the things my husband has done I am still trying to figure out if they belong to his personality or his ADD.

    For instance, my husband has lied about BIG things like spending money allocated to his bills (more than once), to lying about teeny tiny things like cleaning the bathroom and doing laundry during the day.

    Also, he’s a man with a worthless word (meaning, he’ll say I’m not drinking tonight, or I’m going to clean the bathroom right now, I’m going to read about this that and the other and almost NEVER does/follow through). It’s hard to take him at his word because 1. He’s never held himself accountable for his words and 2. Sometimes seems like he’ll say ANYTHING…..

    And that sentence above is a good segue into my next point in which is that he doesn’t know himself enough to stand firm on something he believes in, which in turn makes him argue in circles….NOTHING is more frustrating than pointing out to your spouse that he is currently arguing the side you are on, when we only started arguing because he stood firmly on the other side. He continually asks for support, but how do I support him when I don’t even know where he stands? It’s so confusing.

    Also stemming from above, he can’t be direct about ANYTHING! For instance this conversation transpired one day on the way home in the car:
    Husband: so I thought about it, aaaand I don’t want to have kids with my sperm
    Me: ooook???? How did you come to that conclusion
    Husband: well I spoke with so and so and basically he regrets having kids because they face the problems he faced as a kid and it’s horrible blah blah blah blah blah
    Me: ok well then I agree…..
    Husband: I KNEW YOU DIDN’T want to have kids with me! I knew it, thanks for making me feel like a piece of sh!t……………..

    This type of set up and conversation happens on a regular basis: the trap n’ bait type conversation…..so very frustrating! Then to top it off, he goes back on his word after that. “I always wanted kids, it’s you that doesn’t!”

    He comes across as LAZY! If it’s cleaning then he doesn’t want to do it, in fact, if my husband doesn’t want to do something he will come up with the most ridiculous excuses including: I asked him to stop at the pharmacy for something a while back when he went out to get smokes and gas (the gas station and the pharmacy are literally across the street from each other!!) he came back without whatever it was that I asked for and told me that he didn’t want to waste gas starting the car twice so he didn’t go to the pharmacy….and he was serious, like it was a logical explanation and was upset I didn’t accept that as a valid response.

    When we first moved in together we set out a list of chores for the both of us, and he’s not gone ONE week without accomplishing everything on his chore list, NOT ONE WEEK! Furthermore, the weight and responsibility of the house and our daughter's wellbeing lies squarely on me, despite trying to guilt me into giving him more responsibility. He constantly asked for more responsibility re: us, the house, our daughter but then I ask him about the things he’s responsible for (even outside the chores) and he’s not taken care of any of them…..

    Also, the minute I feel put out/hurt/angry etc he’s defensive and can’t connect to what I’m saying. Like if I’m hurt by how he handled the situation/something he doesn’t understand.

    I’m at a point now where I want to walk away.  I’m tired of making an effort and having him continue to point out flaws in them.  I’m tired of coming home to a disaster because his intent was to clean up the minute before I got home and he forgot.  I’m tired of him saying what he feels like, knowing full well that it’s hurtful only to apologize about it later.  I’m tired of the childishness behaviour.  I’m tired of taking the brunt of everything!  Picked on, despite my efforts, his laziness, his excuses, his lies, his self-entitlement and right now, his self-righteousness.

    He’s burnt his bridge with a few of my family members, promising to do them some carpentry work and never did, he’s burned his bridges with a few of my friends because when he stole $600 from the family pot with only my income to support us both, I broke down in tears asking them for help on what I should do about the bills that were going to bounce, my parents no longer have patience for him, they don’t trust him, agree with his actions, and they certainly don’t respect him….

    So I wonder, is it really worth it to move on….. he’s ruined his relationship with so many people I’m close to, I’d hate to think it would remain as such for ever, will I ever have a clean house where both partners contribute, someone who will listen to my feelings and address them, someone who can admit to his faults and work at trying to improve them…..will I ever have an adult as a partner, and not a child?  Cause I’m not sure how much more I can handle……

  • by: c ur self - 2 days 6 hours ago

    Traits of Narcissism...Patterns....The more I become a student of behavioral patterns in my and my wife's life the easier it gets to identify. Hopefully someday it will even get easier to endure and ignore from her... lol....And recognize in myself, before I puke it up onto her and others...If I had to label us for most of our marriage. I would say I trend toward the Narcissist...and she trends toward a Authoritarian, with sever Add to spice it up:)...Ouch...Now folks If you don't think God is able...then you would be wrong...Because we have been a nasty combination...

    Why are you guy's like this? Good Question! I'm glad you asked:)...Our gene's? Our childhood? our confidence in our own ability? Our sin nature?....It wasn't like the potential, and even the reality (blind to or in denial of course) wasn't hidden inside us when we married for this tumultuous ride we've been on....It just hadn't surfaced in this monstrous revelation that only comes about in coexistence, also, because of the lives we lived and the people we had in close quarters....As for myself, I had a wife for 30 years, who was a very humble saint...Who after she passed away, my oldest daughter informed me that I was rough on at times...Who said to me; Mother always just ignored many of your controlling tendencies out of respect and love, she new you loved us and would do the right things:(...This same daughter who was like an angel most her life, when she feel into her own temptation as a 19 year old. Told me as we had a heart to heart setting up in the bed one night that the reason she didn't confide in me more was because she was scared on me:(:(:( Enough of about me, I'm still not that strong Ha Ha....

    My wife? well, severe add, pregnant by a boyfriend who she loved at age 24, but had to walk away and raise her son alone because of his alcohol abuse, and irresponsibility...Pregnant again 5 years later by a guy she was dating, who also walk out on her...So from age 29 until we meet when she was 46, between her ADD, raising two kids alone, being a the main provider and a soccer mom of two wonderful boys alone. Plus all the other issues of life, well, you see!...Also most of the guy's she was pursued by wasn't the kind who looks to settle down w/ a ready made family...So more abuse, feelings of inadequacies...I remember once before we married, I had to make a doctor's appt...and I did...She approached me after she found out and said...I really wish you would let me handle this kind of stuff...She said; "I don't bring much into this marriage, but things I'm good at, I want you to let me handle"...I didn't fully understand at the time, but it eventually cleared up:(

    Not a pretty picture uh? God is good!...I'm trying each day to face my demon's and give them to Jesus...Not sure, why I'm up typing this, Maybe it can speak to someone. 

    I just want to say this one more thing...You may be married to a spouse with many problems, but just remember, It always takes two!

    No one makes you and I stay, and many of the cases I read about on this forum is in my opinion very unhealthy, abusive and dangerous...Also just my opinion again, many should at least separate in order to gain clarity, overcome anger, and see if the abusive or unfaithful partner can and does change when their enabler isn't there anymore....Life is short....

    There is healing to be had, but it want be found in my attempts to judge and make the corrections in this marriage....


    "Those who experience peace in death; (dying daily to self) will experience peace in this life"....c ur self.

     

     

  • :(
    by: WhyDoesHeActLikeThis - 2 days 11 hours ago

    I hate being reminded of all the bad.

  • by: Grrr - 2 days 21 hours ago

    My boyfriend of five years is an alcoholic too. When he was drunk he cheated on me twice with in 2 and a half years. He is apalled when he sobers up and realizes what he has done and says he loves me and only wants me. Do ADHD people learn from their consequences? Do they always end up in denial that they even have ADHD even thought the dr has prescribed Ritalin to them? He also has MAJOR mood swings and is an animal until he eats. He then apologizes for being such a jerk and becomes my sweet man that i always have loved. I love this man dearly and I don't want to lose him but the mood swings, where he calls me names, slams doors, is just terrible and alcohol cravings are driving me insane!

  • by: fullmoon2 - 3 days 2 hours ago

    About 3 years ago at college, I met a guy and we became best friends. I noticed his behavior was a little strange but I didn't really mind, as he was nice to me. He fell in love with me and he used to be really sweet so with time, I fell in love with him too. We confessed these feelings for each other and all was going well until a friend of his transferred over to the college and he started ignoring more and becoming more distant although he still spoke to me at times and he still had that sweet personality. But him ignoring me caused me to pull away from him little by little because I felt like he no longer had interest in me. And one day he said something that really hurt my feelings and he didn't even apologize for it so I decide to completely shut away from him. After a few months of not talking to him or seeing him he emailed me to tell me he missed me. So I started talking to him again but not everyday like we used to, only through email. And he told me he had ADHD and also had a learning disability. At the time I didn't really understand much about those things, but still hurt by his behavior the previous months, I decided to be just friends with him and nothing more. We kept talking and we saw each other at college but not as much as we used to when we first met. This was a year ago. We graduated college this year and at the graduation he told me that he loved me still and he missed me and I love him as well so I decided to give it another shot. I started talking to him everyday again as we used to but I noticed his behavior change again. Over the summer he started ignoring my text messages. When he answered, his replies were more like one word answers. I asked him what was going on,and asked him why he was behaving this way because he had told me he loved me. He told me he saw my texts but forgot to respond and told me that he only loved me as a friend and that he should have told me. He told me he was going away on vacation and he would appreciate me not texting him as he wouldn't have time to text me back and that he wouldn't consider being in a relationship with me but would rather be my friend. And of course, I felt hurt again. He led me on again to then let me down. A month later there was a project he needed help with. I decided to help him and again he told me he missed me and started telling me things to hint that he liked me, just like when we first met. He started initiating texts again. When he was done with the project he started ignoring me again. And when I tried communicating with him he called me annoying and to stop acting like his girlfriend. He also told me he wants to find a girlfriend, that's not me.  I was just trying to be friendly with him, I wasn't even flirting with him. He says these things out of the blue. I have never done anything to hurt him and I've only been nice to him, so I don't understand why he would hurt my feelings like that. Imagine the person you truly love saying that to you. It hurts.  Since then, he has never initiated a single conversation with me. I talk to him everyday to check up on him because he feels depressed. I also miss him a lot and I feel very very hurt by his actions. He tells me he doesn't have time to really text me and he forgets because he's with "his other friends or family". I feel like he doesn't even consider me his friend when he says that. I'm very much in love with him. I truly care about him and sometimes I feel like it's all my fault because I should have dealt with his adhd behavior sooner and just try to work things out instead of not talking to him for all those months. I've been doing a lot of research on adhd in hopes that he'll be interested in me again because maybe there's something I'm not understanding and even if we can't be together, I want to be a good friend to him and be there for him as a friend should. As I said, I love him so much.  And I try not to tell him how I feel when he does these things because he'll feel criticized. I also encourage him to do the things he likes and I'm there for him when he's down even though he's not there for me. I know I can't force him to love him but I thought it was worth a shot if I started to learn about adhd. I sent him an email after all this about how much his friendship means to be. But he doesn't respond to anything nice I say to him. Is he just not interested in me at all, even as his friend? Or is he behaving this way because of his adhd and learning disability? I really need to know because I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so hurt. He seems to talk to me more whenever I encourage him and whenever he gives me the "silent treatment" he tells me it's because he's depressed, but I'm not sure. I want to believe him. Which is why I'm asking here. He used to be more attentive when we first met and now it's just me being there for him 100%. It seems like he has mood swings too. He does have long conversations with me sometimes and we joke around. But if I stop texting him for like a week or 2, he won't initiate the conversation not even to ask how I'm doing. Is his behavior like this because of his adhd and learning disability? If it's not, as much as it hurts and as difficult as it will be, I feel like I'll have to let him go.

  • by: xmegz327x - 3 days 17 hours ago

    Hi. Hope you guys done mind. I'm not married to him yet. Still dating. A year and a half today actually. I found this site by googling issues we've been having. When he was younger he was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds for a few years, saw a therapist and when he got about 15/16 and dropped out of school. He stopped both. 

    I met him at 21 and he was immature. Younger friends. No drive or desire to do anything. Didn't complete his GED or have his license. We became friends and I sort of pushed him to complete these things. I'm older by 6 years. It's been a struggle tho since then and I keep thinking he doesn't care about me since he is always arriving late, forgetting things, etc. he never puts things away. Closes draws and cabinets. Throws wrappers away. If I say something he will do it but it's gotten to where I feel like he's my child. I have to oversee and watch everything. I've come to assume he won't follow thru or will come home when expected and all we've been doing is fighting. He says he loves me. He'll get emotional but then won't change these things. And after reading this site I see that maybe it's really due to his ADD. 

    so how do I bring it up to him? How do I suggest maybe he goes to see a dr or talk to someone?

    I love him but it's exhausting always being let down and always having to pick up the slack and always getting into stupid arguments about him coming home 2 hrs late without stopping at the store for dinner. 

    Thanks! 

  • by: sunnygirl - 4 days 4 hours ago

    Hi everyone.  I have a spouse who has ADHD.  He went out drinking with his friends and came home very drunk at 3:40am, after having blacked out.  I was upset because when he drinks he can be very nice, but also can be very sharp with me, or he shows poor boundaries even if I am present.   Normally he wont go out, but twice in the last month, he has been a jerk when he was drinking, and this latest night really got to me.  The guys went to a meat market, he couldnt even walk when he got home, and when I tried to talk to him about it the next day, it was my problem.   And I felt like he was flip flopping with the truth.  I am so sad because he has relented and agreed not to drink and wont put himself in that situation anymore, but his apologies were somewhat 'backhanded' where I was the problem.  I am so confused.  So to make sure he understood me fully (I asked him to paraphrase yesterday what I said) because sometimes he will say if we have talked about something minor and it happens again, "You never said that" or "I didnt know" and this issue is important enough to me that I need to know it wont happen again.   And then 15 minutes later, he tells me, "Oh, by the way, the guys I got hired with want to go to vegas for our 20 anniversary of hiring".  I was really upset because its like he never heard me!   I used to be able to talk to him and now, he is just angry with me about it.  He doesnt want to hear about it, but I need to talk about it.   I am so sad because now he is hiding things from me, I dont want to bug him more, but I am really scared and sad.   Is this ADHD?

  • by: awf - 4 days 5 hours ago

    I am new to all of this.  I am in a relationship with a woman who has ADHD. I never really had a clue what that meant.  We are talking about marriage. From reading this forum I see that certain issues seem to be constant.  Such as infidelity, lying, anger and communication. I want to see if we can make it.  What are some good strategies? I saw one post about having the right mindset, What else can I do to understand her needs?  She really means a lot to me and at the end of the day I need to know I am doing all I can for her and us.  

     

  • by: designgirl08 - 5 days 4 hours ago

    Hi everyone!  I am new to the site but very familiar with ADHD and the effect it can have on a marriage and partnership as my husband has ADHD.  I will preface this by saying I adore my husband.  Melissa's book helped me a TON to understand why he acts the way he does and says the things he says.  I feel like I am probably one of the only people who understand him...his parents don't even get him.  However, he is brilliant, funny, smart and I love his spontaneity (even though it can drive me crazy too!)

    My mom is very opinionated and LOVES to talk talk talk and ask lots of questions.  She has issues of her own and her biggest thing is that she needs constant attention.  Well my husband is the opposite and when shes around, he can tolerate her for about ten minutes and then he shuts her out.  Last time she came, he completely ignored her, and barely answered questions that she asked.  At one point he even told her not to call him honey which hurt her feelings so bad.  She couldn't take it any more and had a blow out coming in crying and spilling her guts to him for about 30 minutes in which she told him if I had to choose I would choose her and leave him.  He went on to say hurtful things as well.  Ever since, I have been put in the middle.  He refuses to extend himself out to apologize for hurting her feelings and ignoring her no matter how many tears I have shed. 

    He can't see my hurt or pain.  This is one thing that I don't appreciate because he has such a good heart, but I feel like he chooses to ignore things.  Everything...even little things that may help, he ignores.  It's like it is just too much or too overwhelming for him to extend himself or be empathetic.  I don't understand because he is so kind until things get hard.  Any help would be appreciated.  I mentioned us seeing a counselor for help and he agreed he would do it.  I know I need to defend my husband over my mother, but when she mentions the issues ever day...I just don't know what to do. Help! 

     

  • by: adelaide - 5 days 6 hours ago

    I've just joined this forum, seeking a bit of advice I guess, having just ended a relationship with a man I love. The relationship has only lasted ten months - we've both been married before, and when we met it was just the most incredible joy I've ever experienced. He delighted me - and that's not a phrase I ever would have thought about using to describe a grown man before :) Everything seemed to line up perfectly - our values and lifestyles and dreams were so similar, our kids similar ages. We'd hardly sleep because we had so much to say to each other. He made me laugh and laugh and laugh and he made me feel like I was the most special girl in the world. Then I realised he hardly seemed to sleep much anyway. And I started to notice other small things - that he couldn't have a conversation with me while he cooked dinner as the task seemed to take all his concentration, that it took him a week to pay bills that should take 10 minutes, that he fidgeted constantly, and he couldn't concentrate on conversations when we were out with friends, and he was distracted by everything on the roadside when driving. He's completely overwhelmed by household tasks and his kids' routine, and his kids' behaviours were pretty extreme - lots of anger from his oldest daughter, pretty extreme stuff). And he's lived in the same town all his life and doesn't seem to have any real friends, despite him being sociable and fun and outgoing. I'd try help him sort his house out, and he'd end up fiddling about hanging pictures "he'd been meaning to get up for a while" while I did the actual cleaning and tidying. And when I came back a few days later the house was just the same as it always was. And as he told me more about his experience as a kid at school, and more about why his marriage broke down (he kept saying that his ex-wife was just an angry person and that she treated him like a child and that she criticized him all the time - towards the end I started questioning that more - was she always angry or did that worsen as time went on? Because frankly I was starting to identify with her). And then there was the waning of the initial dizzy loveliness - suddenly I was no longer on the pedestal. He said all the right things, and to some extent did all the right things when I was right in front of him, but if I wasn't he was so focused on whatever he was doing that I may as well as not have existed. And I started to find that our moments of magic were getting few and far between and I was getting increasingly confused and distressed. And the relationship was bringing out the worst in me - stress and frustration and anger, because I just couldn't comprehend how he could be so present one moment and then I could feel so dismissed the next. And then I stumbled on ADHD forums online and he seems to be textbook. And I tried and tried to understand him and to put things in place to make it work. But I got more and more worn down, and I felt like I was forever making allowances for him...just to hold onto our ever-decreasing magical moments. And I started to feel so torn between what my head and heart were telling me. And then I started to realise that he could never meet my needs, that I could work and work and work at understanding him and supporting him and I was never going to get his full attention in return. He wanted to give me his attention, he just COULDN'T actually do it. And I was just going to have to forgive, forgive, forgive. And I started to despair with his excuses. And I have tried to leave him about 6 times over the last few months because I'm completely drained and feel like my life is absorbing his chaos. I guess this is a long way of asking does this sound like ADHD? It's also very cathartic to write that down because I've felt like I've been going quite mad and completely losing sense of myself. Could I have done anything to turn this around and to make it work? I feel like a failure and I feel like I'm walking away from the love of my life, and ironically it's because I feel like I need to rescue myself.

     

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