Recent Topics

  • by: Mapper - 3 hours 3 min ago

    I've just had it! H is on day whatever of not going to work. I just looked at his paycheck online for the past two weeks. 8 hours total (not like its a shock because I snooped online at his hours and that's all it was going to be even though it SHOULD be 4 days because that's how many days he left the house in the morning!) and after taxes and what they could salvage for child support payments he ended up with a whopping total of $20.08! He currently has $15 in the bank and that's it. So he is going to live on $35 for the next 2 weeks and try to explain to me why that's all he has! Not only can he not pay his share of bills or mortgage, but he can't pay any of his own student loans or credit card payments. He's digging a huge hole!

    On top of all this, yesterday was my company picnic. H knew about this for weeks and kept saying how excited he was to come and how much fun it would be. I even forwarded him an email yesterday morning with the rundown of what would be going on there and he responded back with "I can't wait". I told him the night before that I was going to take the train and he can just pick me up at work at 4PM and we'll go from there. Well at 3:15 I send him a text (as a reminder in case he forgot) saying to call when he is out front. At 4:04 I get the response of "ok". You are just NOW responding ok??! He was supposed to be there by then! Then at 4:17 he texts me "Will be a few...had to go back for my wallet". Really?! I knew that was a lie. He doesn't show up until almost 5PM and I am the last one there sitting on the steps waiting on him. He tells me he just got about a mile down the road before he had to turn around and get his wallet. Okay so that should have made you about 5-10 minutes late, not an hour late! I know he was sleeping or something and then texted me at 4:04 when he woke up and then probably hopped in the shower and texted me at 4:17 as he was leaving the house. Then as we are walking towards the picnic shelter he tells me "Yeah I almost canceled on you, I just wasn't feeling the picnic...but here I am". Well goody goody! Thanks for making this picnic oh-so-fun. Now I know you really don't want to be here, but now I should kneel down and thank you several times for managing to come! And I love how he puts on this act of lovey dovey and kissing and hand holding and back scratching in front of everyone and then doesn't say a word to me on the way home and 10 minutes after we get home he goes "What is up with you?" because I'm not saying much and looking upset. What is up with ME????!!!! I am the way I am because you are being a complete jerk not going to work and lying to me and not telling me what the real problem is and now you are turning this all around on ME having the problem?? 

    He's the master at turning his problems into my problems. Oh he feels just fine but I must have some issue because I'm stomping around the house. He'll give me reason after reason as to why he can't go in and then when I tell him to stop lying and tell me the truth, that's when he'll go ballistic saying "Okay, well my daughter hates me, my friend from high school just died and I hate my job! I am not going into that job as it's sucking the life out of me. Would you just give me some time to clear my head and figure out what I need to do"! Oh by all means! Everyone in the working world needs weeks of not going into work without pay to clear their head and it appears to be something he needs to do every few months! It was a month ago that he told me he was so happy in his new area at work and how laid back it was and how he was just so happy overall.

    I woke up last night with stomach pains from being so stressed out about this. I have to talk to him about it as I keep it all bundled up inside and it's making me ill. I can't get a thing done at work because I'm too busy checking up on him or wondering what he's going to be like when I get home and just sick to my stomach. I just don't think I'm going to get a straight answer out of him. He either turns it into a game or gets outright angry that I'm upset at what he's doing!

  • by: eldeevee - 22 hours 38 min ago

    Not sure where to begin. This is my first time posting about this although I have spent hours and days reading about similar situations to mine and I fear that I'll sound just like all the other women that I think deserve to be treated better. I'm hoping that someone can read my story and offer some insight on my situation. 

    My boyfriend of over a year (I realize we aren't married so that definitely takes the pressure off some of this) - I feel like I've tried it all. 

    Over the past year, I discovered him talking inappropiately to girls on facebook, then seeing he'd been on dating sites (like Tinder, milfaholics, AYI, badoo, and other various hook-up sites) talking to girls trying to "hook up" - then responding to ads on Casual Encounters on craigslist. Every time I would confront him about it, he would try to down play it that it wasn't a big deal - that he wasn't actually DOING anything with them and he did it for the attention. But every time I'd feel my heart break a little more and it hurt so bad that he didn't see what kind of damage he was doing to my confidence and self-respect. I tried ending it with him multiple times but he'd beg and plead for another chance, promise me he wanted to be a better man for me. He would call me and text me every day even though I ignored him. He'd show up at my house and cry that he was sorry and that he knew I was the one for him. He was SO remorseful about what he had done, so I'd give him chance after chance.

    I had searched the internet trying to find advice on how to deal with this kind of behavior and stumbled across someone who suggested a "Boundary Agreement" which is helpful for Sex Addiction. After an incident about 6 months ago, I decided to sit down with him and list out my boundaries. What I was okay with and what I wasn't okay with and be very clear about what would happen if he broke those rules. We both signed it.  Part of the agreement listed that we would both be allowed to check each other's email, phone and facebook at any time during the next 3 months - and after three months, if trust was restored, we could discussion that part of the terms (because I believe people deserve their privacy and I have never been nor want to be a girlfriend that snoops) 

    9 Days later I found him on a dating website talking to a random girl saying how he wanted to hang out. 

    We broke up. I told him he knew the consequences and that was it. 

    Every day for over a month, he would text me "I love you" and tried to get me back. He was on his BEST behavior. I tried to keep my distance because I was lonely and I needed to end this cycle. I was very close with him family and they would check in with me and tried to make be feel better by saying they didn't understand why he would do those things. They loved me and loved seeing us together (I was his first serious relationship ever and he's 31 years old.. ) 

    I finally agreed to have lunch with him one day. He was so thankful and kept talking about how he wanted to marry me and how I needed to just give him another chance. I told him the only way I would consider giving him another chance was for him to go to therapy (which he was NOT happy about) - but i stood my ground. And two weeks after, we had an appointment with a couple's therapist. Our first appointment, the therapist asked my BF if he had ever been diagnoised with ADD and to my surprise he had! But he stopped taking medication for it when he was in high school. He didn't think he needed it anymore. I HAD NO IDEA. It definitely helped me open my eyes and how to deal with him when he wasn't hearing me, or when he'd start getting lazy or not follow through on things he said he would do. I took a whole different approached to him and to us. 

    We went every week for 3 months and it did wonders for our relationship - but had decided that once we felt like we werent getting anything out of it any longer - we'd stop going (cuz it's expensive) and so we have stopped. 

    Well, about a month ago, we decided to take the next step and move in together. He talks about marriage and babies and wants them soon - but we didn't even live together so I thought we should try the living together thing first. I was terrified because he insisted that I move into his place with his brother (because he has AC lol) but that meant me giving up my apartment that I lived alone in for the last 3 years. It meant selling everything and finding a home for my cat I've had for 10 years. I cried every day and was scared I was making the wrong decision and that he would go back to his old habits and I wouldn't have a place to get away from him when I was upset. 

    But I did it anyway. I took the leap and communicated my fears with him and he was very supportive. It's what he wanted. The last day before I had to be out of my old apartment, I woke up one night and saw him in the living room and got a weird feeling. I opened his laptop and saw he had been cruising Casual Encounters on Craigslist. I immediately packed a bag and left. The next morning I thought maybe I overreacted - he showed up at my apartment and crawled into bed with me. He's a MAJOR cuddlier and I feel like he thinks everything is okay with us if he's just with me and has me in his arms.

    So I forgave him because I understand that there are slips and he views CL as porn (which is a whole other subject) 

    Well, it's now 2 weeks later and I look at his phone a few nights ago and see an email to someone on CL saying he wanted to hook up. I was LIVID. I totally blew up and reminded him that I gave up everything to make this relationship work because that's what he wanted and he PROMISED me this would never happen again. I asked him what he had to lose for him to finally get it. We just went through therapy and everything and He sat there trying to play it down and saying "I didn't do anything. It's not a big deal. You're the only one I'm with" - but I could tell he felt bad for hurting me again. He messed up. He tried smooching and cuddling me and i told him to stop and to sleep on the couch. 

    It's been two days and I'm still upset. What do you do when you feel like you've tried everything? I honestly see a future with him. He has the warmest heart and he would be such a great father to our children (if we have them). He makes me breakfast every morning and asks me how my day was when I come home. He knows how to be a good man - he just lets his mind get lazy and totally is unaware of other people's feelings sometimes and it's a huge struggle for us. He's never been good with follow-thru.. anyone have any tips on what I can do? 

     

  • by: Mapper - 1 day 1 hour ago

    I just don't know what else to do to get through to him! If I try to approach it civilly, like a few nights ago I said to him that I NEED him to go to work and make money, his response was not "Yes I'm sorry and I will do that from now on" or actually talk to me about what the problem is but it was "I'm going to be a monk and move up into the mountains". It's just all fun and games!  I KNOW he's been lying to me about going to work but he sure won't admit to it. Like yesterday when I got home I was really quiet and withdrawn and maybe he thought I knew he wasn't going to work but then tries to make everything all lovey dovey to get me to snap out of it. He'll start giving me lame excuses as to why he doesn't go to work. His back hurt that morning, he had indigestion, he didn't sleep well, etc. When I don't snap out of it then he starts getting all pissed off and saying "What's up your butt, what's your deal lately"? Then if I say to him "Do you ever plan on working a 40 hour week again?" or "Are you even going to work when you leave the house?" then I'll get an angry response back of "I need time to clear my head! Things are not going well lately. My daughter doesn't want anything to do with me, my high school friend just died, I hate my job so being at work is not something I can handle right now okay?!". And I am supposed to go "Oh my love I am SO sorry I was upset. I don't know what I was thinking. You are right, your life is really bad right now and there is NO reason you should have to go to work on top of it. You take all the time you need to get your life together and you just let me know when you will be going to work and contributing to the household. In the meantime I will go to my full time job and also do freelance work from home to make ends meet!"

    So approaching it gently gets me some absurd, silly response and then being straight out sarcastic with him just gets him angry and I should understand the hell he's going through and apologize for my actions!

  • by: redhead1017 - 1 day 3 hours ago

    As I've posted here before, we are thinking about moving to a new house and renting our current one. Financially we're fine; I work full-time and make a good salary, and my credit rating is very good. 

    The problem is mainly this: moving out of our current home, in order to get it ready for renters, would take an enormous amount of work. DH has used the bottom half of the house for 10 years for his own personal storage of all his collections and has not cleaned it in that time. We had multiple water leaks (that he promised to fix) that finally I took care of this last year, which ruined the carpet and probably damaged the sheetrock, the floors downstairs are completely trashed by cats/spills/water leaks, there is a ton of other work that needs to be done other than this. It would take a dedicated person who worked on all the stuff that needs to be fixed approximately 10 hours a day for at least a month; if I hired a crew it would probably be done in a week or so, but that's super expensive. 

    Anyway, yesterday we were talking about whether it's smart to move right now or not. I love our little house, but it is LITTLE, :). I'm fine with not moving and just improving on what we've got here. 

    He wants to move, and is adamant that HE could do all the work that needs to be done in a couple weeks. Judging from his track record, I have a big problem with that:

     - he has two storages that I've been paying for for ten years that he told me would be cleaned out in a month 

     - My "office" downstairs was supposed to be cleaned out two years ago, still full of garbage

     - The other room downstairs was supposed to be cleaned out two years ago, still full of his collections. 

     - Instead of working on stuff he promises up and down is going to be done, he goes and volunteers at local comic book shops for trade and comes home with literally carfulls of stuff

     

    So I was understandably a bit skeptical when he said he could get the house renter-ready in 30 days. It wouldn't impact him at all, but I could end up having to pay two mortgages for months. Judging from his track record, this is most likely what would happen.

    If I would say any of this to him, he would argue with me for hours to the tune of "I took four boxes to Goodwill last week!" and such. He doesn't  understand or refuses to understand that this is the same thing he's been telling me for years, and yet nothing has changed. 

    I hate arguing with him, but how do I get him to see that he's not reliable? That what he's telling me - getting the house ready in 30 days - is completely unrealistic? 

    I ended yesterday's discussion civilly (didn't bring up the above at all) with something to the effect of "let's see what happens", which is basically a catch-all phrase that could mean anything. 

    I think the bottom line is this: if I want to move, I'll need to arrange everything myself (big surprise), including getting our current house ready for renters. I'm fine with not moving. But how do you communicate to your ADHD DH that he can't be relied upon without causing conflict? My solution is just to deflect and distract, and it seems to work. 

    Sorry for the rambling post - lots of stuff going on here, LOL. 

  • by: Buckandkelly - 1 day 20 hours ago

    I desperately need help to save my marriage. I have ADHD, I was diagnosed as a child and again about 6 years ago. I take Adderall  XR on a daily basis. I am ruining my marriage without meaning to. I'm lying to my husband, I've cheated on him,  I've destroyed any trust he had in me. We have been together for 15 years and married for over 13, he's my best friend, my everything.  I love this man with all my heart and don't know why I keep doing this destructive behavior. 

    About a year ago I was drinking with some friends and ended up kissing another guy. I didn't mean to, I didn't plan to, it just happened.  My husband asked about that night and I lied to him. He recently found out I lied and now wants a divorce.

    side note- 12 years ago I did have sex with someone else and have worked hard to make it up to him since.

    i don't know why I keep doing this stuff. I'm happy with him, he's an awesome husband, and my everything. 

    please give me advice on how to fix myself. I don't know where to start and it's really overwhelming. I started with a therapist last week and will meet at least once a week. What else can I do? See the Dr who prescribes my Adderall and change medications? Ever since insurance decided to only cover generics I haven't noticed it working as well, maybe I need to change meds? 

    I'm desperate to save my marriage. This man means so much to me and I'm willing to do what ever it takes. I know I have a problem lying to him, I don't exactly know why I do it, I guess so he's not mad at me. I admit I need help, I just don't know where to start.

    Thank you 

     

     

  • by: 20GT - 1 day 20 hours ago
    Hi, my wife and I have continuously had problems for most of our marriage of 11 years. We have almost separated many time because she felt unloved and alone. lastly I went to councillor to help me change my behavior. No effect, basically he said change or suffer the consequences. Last week she told me she was though of me not paying attention always off in my own world and took off her ring. I always thought I had ADHD but never thought this could be the root cause of my problems. Always feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I had fallen back into the same routine no matter how hard I tried. I thought I would get some meds for my ADHD and see if I would behave differently. While waiting for the Dr's office to open I googled "ADHD ruined my marriage" and I came across this link. http://psychcentral.com/lib/adhds-impact-on-relationships-10-tips-to-hel... Once I started to read it it was like a history of my relationship exactly. I have an app to see a Dr Thursday. I'm also about to read through the rest of the site. Anyway I'm hoping this will help me do better.
  • by: taylork93 - 1 day 21 hours ago
    the reason why i signed up is because im tired of getting lied to and its not ok. so heres my story i like to tell of  my past experience and still going to this day.   it started when i was 2 months pregnant with our daughter Isabella and we were in the car and my hubby was online on this dating sites called Meetme. he told me that it is was okay for me get on and create an account and i like was "ok like what would it hurt" so 2 weeks down the road he started to talk to his ex (Harley)"i was like are you F-ing kidding me" so we talk about it and i told him i don't like it all so he told me that he didn't like me talking to my friend Gary (who was my long-distance ex-boyfriend). well one day we went to the hilton head island beach with jaci, jon and his cousin after going Danny left his phone in his sisters' car and Danny called his sister Jaci and asked if she could bring his phone to the house...3 days later Danny got his phone back well the news that he told me that his ex Harley sent naked pics of herself to Danny phone...he blocked her and that was end of that story of his ex...in the mid-april i was in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy and it sucked for most part..it started out has okay day then when came to taking a nap well i didnt really take that many naps when i was pregnant i should of but i didnt i was still dealing with danny and online dating sites that he was getting on...one day danny had a day off and he came back and took a nap well instead of me taking nap i wanted to see who he was texting well come to find out he was talking to this girl i dont remember her name well it done pissed me off to no end ties with danny...he sent pictures of him and dick ...i almost wanted to leave him and i wanted to go to my mom's, but i decide not to therefore i dealt with it and asked him and he straight up lied to my face...he didnt want to the tell the truth and face it the reality that was happening...that day he lost all of my trust the only way he can get back if he doesnt get on those sites anymore then i can trust him again....but its gonna take a long ass time for me to trust him again and to be honest "i dont know when that will be" maybe in the near future until he learns to respect me and my wishes and we are seriously done. i just dont know what to do anymore? Another thing that really bothers me is when he tells his family im cusing of him cheating and they tell him "look either cheat on her or break up with her" thats his family opinions but he doesnt want to because he really loves me....to be truthful here "if he really loves me he wouldn't of gotten online and started something that will never end until he stops completely

     

  • by: Dipity - 2 days 2 hours ago

    Hello All

    Pretty new to this.  Hubby and I split up back in April and have since stumbled upon this amazing resource, are awaiting a formal diagnosis, but in the  meantime have started Melissas couples course.

    When we first started speaking about the possibility of trying to work things out "differently" hubby seemed uber excited and happy to try anything to get us back on track.  I am REALLY looking at the Symptom/response/response side of things for me and am really trying 110% to try and figure out what is a symptom etc and make extra allowances and be extra patient. (and will happily admit I have screwed up on more than one occassion, BUT I have taken ownership and apologised unreservedly)

    Fast forward to we are now in August, and every 2 weeks or so I am having to deal with bouts of extreme anger from him when all I am doing is following the advice from the books, forum and the seminar.  The most recent blow up was over (of all things) a Kitchen cabinet!!!  We live separately and I Have just moved into a new rented house.  He keeps leaning on one of the cabinets and knocking off the handle.  This has happened on more than one occassion and I asked him nicely to stop leaning on things and breaking them!  (not unreasonable I didn't think) - He immediately blew up, started yelling at me that I was controlling him (eh??)  I went outside and let him calm down (or so I thought) and then very calmly asked him why me asking him to be respectful of my property and home made him so angry.  I am trying to understand about ADHD and about how he ticks, but is this always going to be the case when I am asking him to be respectful of my boundaries? I asked him nicely to stop yelling at me, to which he ignored me and carried on yelling, I then asked again and said I would ask him to leave if he continued (I thought giving him an opportunity to take a time out/deal with overwhelm) and still he carried on.  I then told him he would have to leave as I had not done anything to deserve being spoken to so disrespectfully, and so he left.  As soon as he got back to his place the angry text messages started, accusing me of not caring about wanting us to get back together (why would i be doing any of this if that was the case??)  I pointed out that I was unprepared to have drawn out knock em down fights. ESPECIALLY over text!  He is still in a mood 2 days later.  we have not seen each other and have agreed to meet up tonight to talk - To be honest I don't really want to.  I am really wondering from reading all I read on this site if this is always the way it is going to be - every couple of weeks or so he's going to blow up, yell at me, say all kinds of crap that isn't true and then expect to carry on like nothing has happened?  I am genuinely working on me, on not letting his distraction bother me (when he left in a mood instead of sitting home and brooding, went out with a girlfriend, and made arrangements to do the same the next day), trying to clarify things I say to make sure there is no misunderstanding. NOT Parenting him at all, of course I'm not getting it right all the time - but I am TRYING MY BEST!!!!!!!  Will a formal diagnosis and meds help any?  I honestly don't know - just trying to hang in here and be patient :(

     

  • ???
    by: hawaiianbluemoon15 - 2 days 20 hours ago

    Recently, something has hit me. My boyfriend doesn't understand what its like have depression and what everyday is like for me. He has made some inappropriate comments about my depression, which is what led me to believe he doesn't understand. I do have ADHD and anxiety as well, but he never has made inappropriate comments regarding those issues. Therefore, I'm not as concerned about getting him to understand what its like to live with ADHD and anxiety everyday. So, now my question is this. Does anybody know of any good resources that explains "life from a depressed point of view", so to speak? Blogs,forums, websites, articles you name it. Thanks and it will be greatly appreciated!

  • by: evergreen - 2 days 21 hours ago

    Looking for thoughtful advice on how I can manage, without anger, the fact that my ADHD (AA overlay) husband and his ex wife and 2 teenage kids refuse to follow any schedule when the kids will be at our house, and the entire situation is driven on a whim by all of them, all the time.   I asked him for 24 hr. notice earlier this year so we can make them beds, have enough food in the house (I stopped going out of my way early on when no one appreciated it and half the time the plans changed) - huge fight.   Concerned about his lack of work (self employed, works from home) and distractibility.  He went on meds last fall, much better on not having conversations that spin in circles.  He likes to argue, no question.  Logical things seem to never occur to him.   It started to feel overwhelming and hopeless to me, until I started reading about the effects of ADHD on marriage and see it all over my marriage of 2 years to him... I only want peace and happiness.   I accused him today of seeking out chaos, liking things unpredictable.  He calls me names, says I interrupt him all the time, says I don't let him "be heard."   I just shut down.   Anyone who is dealing with 2nd marriages, these issues and custody/ schedule issues, your ideas appreciated.   

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