Recent Topics

  • by: HopelessMomWife - 1 hour 33 min ago

    Hi all, I am looking for responses of ADHD and non-ADHD spouses. W/O a lot of detail let me just say that my husband has a very big tendency to forget things and an even bigger one to lie about it to cover it up. EXCEPT the lies never make sense so it's normally quite apparent to me that he is not being honest. After our usual  weekly blow-up (I know, this can't be healthy, right?) he says that I push him too hard. First, let me say that I am SO HAPPY that he communicated that to me (NO sarcasm!) b/c he normally just says I don't know to everything and it leaves me in a space where I am confused and don't know how to help us so this may be a start in the right direction. But now what do I do? Here are some of the things that I do normally "push" and according to him, too hard. 

    Finances:

    He has over drafted his account and took a few months (3-4) to get this taken care of to the point that it hit collections. I reminded him several times about it and probably even nagged but it was because it affects US (him, me, and the kids--3). I have been working on building our credit and doing so successfully, I don't want any issues b/c once I finish graduate school next year I would love to buy a home (it is my dream!). 

    Furthermore, we had an agreement about not making large purchases ($500) w/o notifying the other. Albeit this was my idea but it is b/c I have to make sure that we can both pay our half of the rent/utilities and he has not paid part of his bills before leaving me to pay them b/c he bought things for his hobby. WELL, he didn't technically make a purchase over $500 but rather FINANCED some tools for over $200 a month/6months. They were for work as he is a mechanic BUT this should've been discussed and NO I am not a power hungry wife at all this is why:

    Turns out he was 2 and a half months behind on paying for the tools. Guess what? This also negatively affects our chances of getting a house in the very near future. He always thinks that I am trying to run him or am too controlling when in fact I am trying to keep things together. If I had known about the tools I would have made sure that they were getting paid on time by him since he typically need a reminder. 

    Lastly, about those tools^^^, he finally setup auto draft for the $500+ dollars to come out BUT he hadn't put the money in the account to clear it and thus... well it will get over drafted. He claims that he did put the money in 4 days ago BUT miraculously it hasn't appeared in the account. This is our typical situation, he makes up or lies about things instead of just saying he hasn't done it. I have pushed the last two days for him to contact the bank to fix this b/c for one, there's hundreds of dollars floating around who knows where and I also don't want the account he just opened back up to be over drafted AGAIN!

    Everything I push for is something that is vital to our day to day living and the quality of our lives. I am not fussing about what he eats or if he washed his butt; however I am pushing for things that need to be taken care of so that we have a roof to live under, food in our mouths and a healthy life. Am I going about this wrong? am I wrong? what advice do you all have?

     

     

    Thanks

  • by: Dee88 - 1 hour 39 min ago

     

    I've been dating this guy on and off now for 2 ½ years.  He is 26 and I am 31.  He is a great guy and comes from a good family.  We have a lot of fun together and I love him very much.  The negative part is that within these past 2 years and a half he has broken up with me five different times.  We were dating for one month and he ended things.  He said he did not see a future for us and that he was a flight risk.  Meaning his job can send him to work in another state.  We stayed friends and then he started asking me to hang out again two months later.  He said he missed me and loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend.  So for the second time around that we were dating it lasted for five months.  Everything was great until one of my friends told me that my boyfriend gave his number out to one of the servers at a pool hall.  My friend knew the girl and he had said the girl said that my boyfriend was hitting on her.  I was devastated when I heard this.  I was so happy with him and now I had to confront him about this nonsense.  When I did confront him, my boyfriend told me that he was just being friendly.  He also said he doesn't have a lot of friends around where we live since he is not from here and that it didn't mean anything.  For the next three weeks, I couldn't help but think about how he gave his number to another girl and maybe what else does he do behind my back.  So we got into a few arguments and he winded up ending things.  He blamed everything on me and said he just wants to be alone.  I tried to make him see that he was making a mistake and he shut me out by ignoring my calls and text messages.  A month later he comes around for a third time and I just give in to him because I love him.  He told me we can't argue like we did but he wants to be with me and see if we can work things out.  Two months later he left for Florida to work there for four months.  We did the long distance relationship pretty well for three of the months but the fourth month is when he started not calling as much.  I sensed it right away and I brought it up to him.  He started arguments with me and he winded up ending things over the phone as he was in Florida and I'm sitting here almost 1,000 miles away waiting for him to come home.  He told me we can talk in person when he gets home in a few days but right now he is not talking.  This time he totally shut me out.  Did not answer the phone for a week straight or any of my text messages.  He finally gets home, mind you he lives right across the street from me.  All of a sudden I see his bright blue mustang outside his house and I was so excited because I thought maybe he was going to come walk across the street to see me.  But no he did not.  We play on three pool teams together so I eventually started to run into him again.  I gave him the cold shoulder at times and other times I was just civil with him.  A month later just when I started to feel better about moving on with my life he asks me to talk to him in person.  So we wind up talking and hanging out and he told me he loves me and wants me to give him a chance.  He said I am everything that he wants in a woman and that he messed up.  So for the fourth time I gave him a chance.  I really thought maybe this time he did realize and he is not going to be that stupid again to just walk away.  But of course I was wrong.  Five weeks later, me and my boyfriend got into a stupid argument.  In the argument I told him to consider himself single.  I didn't mean it.  I was just upset with him because he was at a strip club and my guard was still up because of the recent break up we had.  The very next day I apologized up and down.  He did not want to hear it.  He told me he can't do this anymore and that he thought things would have been different this time around but they aren't.  He said we are not good together and that he's just done.  He even quit our Wednesday pool team.  For two months and it was the summer I was crying because I was so hurt.  I even had a dream that I tried to kill him in my sleep.  I looked into what that actually means to kill someone in your dream and it said that the person is trying to put an end to someone or something.  In other words I was trying to let go of him.  The third month which was now August, I met someone else (DJ) and I started to feel alive again.  We had a lot of fun playing pool, hanging out with friends, watching movies, etc.. but I still wondered what Mike was doing and if he would ever want me back again.  The fourth month I moved into my new apartment with a roommate and DJ would come over to hang out.  My roommate (Leo) and him got along pretty well.  So now at this point in my life, four months after the terrible break up, I finally learned how to accept that Mike is not coming back.  I was able to sleep good at night and wake up being happy.  At the end of this fourth month, Mike saw me at our Monday night pool match and right after I left he texted me asking what the hell I was doing because he heard I was with DJ.  He bad mouthed DJ and called me stupid and basically compared his new girl to DJ.  Two weeks later I started receiving more text messages from Mike.  He said he just wants to hang out as friends since he is leaving for Florida.  I said fine because I knew he was leaving and it would probably be the last time we would ever hang out.  So I let him come over to see the apartment and I felt terrible because I lied to DJ.  I told him that I didn’t feel good and was going to sleep and I had Mike come over.  Nothing happened between Me and Mike.  He came over, we watched Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy and ordered Pizza Masters.  Mike winded up leaving for Florida for work later that week.  Once he got to Florida, he would call me nonstop and text me nonstop.  This went on for two months and then he came home in December for a few days.  I was still seeing DJ and I ended things with him before Mike came home in December because I am not a cheater and I knew something was going to happen between me and Mike.  Me and Mike hung out the week he was home in December and after we hooked up I just felt terrible.  I loved him but I had hurt DJ who was there for me and helped me move to my apartment and basically make me feel happy when I was so hurt.  I just felt what I was doing wasn’t right because Mike is just going to hurt me again anyway.  When Mike went back to Florida, I tried to make things right with DJ and he did not want to hear it.  At this point I didn’t know what to do.  I felt very confused.  Mike told me he loves me and this time is scary.  He is not losing me forever and he knows he messed up.  He also said, “I am the only woman for him.”  To make this long story short, Mike has tried from December of 2014 until May 2015 to make things work between us.  I was nice to Mike but at times I would tell him I can’t be with him or to just leave me alone because I felt so confused.  I knew I wanted to be with Mike and that I loved him but I felt no matter what that one day he will walk away from me again and to feel that terrible pain would be a nightmare all over again for me.  Throughout these months, I really acted out.  I told Mike I wanted to be with DJ when I really didn’t, I slapped Mike across the face in public because he hung out with DJ and caused trouble between me and him, I told him to leave me apartment a few times, I took my apartment keys from him twice.  In March, I started to invest my heart into things with Mike again but I still didn’t 100% trust that he won’t walk away.  As soon as he saw me being all about him and wanting him I felt him drifting away. Mike did a lot for me and helped me a lot.  I always thanked him and I always was appreciative.  We did have a lot of good nights and a lot of good times, however, once I was acting into him, he seemed to get confused.  He told me those words again, “I don’t know what to do.”  After hearing that again, I became distant for a week and just wanted to be left alone.  My grandmother is sick, work has been crazy, and I know he is not going to be here for me no matter what like he said he was going to be. He came to my apartment to talk to me when I was in the worse mood.  I told him to just go.  He said, “You’re being a bitch.”  So I told him to get out and leave my keys.  When he left I texted him saying that we are never on the same page and I cannot trust him.  The next day when I woke up I tried to contact him and he didn’t want to hear it.  He said he knows where we stand now and then he ignored me for three days.  He finally answered and said we are done.  I got him to talk to me in person last night (May 27, 2015) and he told me to my face once again that he is done with me that he is not in love with me.  He is no longer doing this back and forth thing.  I apologized up and down and told him I will never tell him to leave ever again and that I was acting this way because I still had my guard up.  I was just scared that he was going to walk away no matter what.  He said it’s too late, he is done.  He left my house and once again I’m left to hurt all over again.  My boyfriend well now ex-boyfriend does have ADHD.  He had it when he was younger in middle school and had to take medicine.  His father said his son didn't have to take the medicine anymore when he got into high school.  I heard this information two years ago and I did not think I should be concerned since my boyfriend wasn't on the medicine anymore.  I thought he was okay or maybe outgrew ADHD.  He is very impulsive.  He is always on the go.  He goes to work on his days off.  He can be so sweet and lovable and shows me he cares so much but then there are times where I felt like I didn't even exist to him.  Like his mind was elsewhere.  So my question is, Is ADHD affecting him and how he can have a relationship with me or am I the one who pushes him away?  I know he loves me.  I just don't understand how he can come back crying and asking me to give another chance promising he will never leave again but then does leave the moment there is confrontation?  I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster these past 2 ½ years.  Is he going to come back again? Or was the fifth time the last time?  I' ll never understand.

  • by: Kansasry - 15 hours 13 min ago
    Anyone else feel the same? I just had a huge fight with the ADHD spouse. He had been drinking and started pressing me about some things I've done recently. These things I've done to protect my self from the harmful things he does to me. I did my best to shrug off and skirt the issue but he wouldn't let it go. So, I tried to explain why I closed my Facebook and why I no longer slow photos of me to be anywhere. He makes me feel so ugly I'm not putting myself out there..and he was off. As norm, he's perfect and I'm crazy. I get so angry b3ing dismissed like that, I blow up. Three years of this and I'm like a bomb with a password of crazy. I blew up, yelled and stormed out. I threw my wedding band in the slew and cried in my car. And after an hour of being away from him I feel so much better. I'm only like this around him. I hate me with him.
  • by: dvance - 17 hours 42 min ago

    In my endless quest to accept DH and the way he ACTUALLY is, not the way I WISH him to be, I have been thinking a lot about the stuff that makes me happy and trying to do those things more often.  Plus the fact that he travels Monday through Friday means I have a lot of time to do things on my own.  The things that make me happy--walking on the lake trail, opera, theater, dinner out, hot yoga, swimming, reading, the story telling at the Irish pub by our house, bumming around downtown (we live about 20 minutes from Michigan Avenue in Chicago), poking around in a book store, spreading out magazines and newspapers in bed and hanging out there with Netflix on after the kids go to bed.  None of those things involve DH.  How sad is that.  How do you have any relationship with so little in common?

  • by: weightoftheworld - 1 day 2 hours ago

    Based on what little I've read, there are more men with ADHD than women.  I guess that makes me a minority, any other men out there?  I am really struggling.  I have been married for almost 11 years, have a stepdaughter and two sons.  We went to counseling last summer  because I had threatened to leave if our non-existent, no wait, we did it three times in 2013 (and yes, I kept track!), sex life didn't improve.  At the first session, we were talking through some issues and counselor says to my wife, "Have you been tested for ADD?"  So there goes anything I was hoping to gain from counseling. 

    So she got tested, it was confirmed, and she got medication.  Since that time a year ago, I have to have more patience, be more understanding, talk MORE, listen MORE, yet all of the same issues persist.  I feel like this just gives her an excuse and it's on me to educate myself and be more understanding.  Seriously?  I already have enough on my plate.  I am the breadwinner, I coach my kids sports teams, I can handle all aspects of housework (cooking, cleaning, laundry, you name it...)  I don't feel like I should have to make any more accommodations for my wife.  We have unfinished home projects (she loves to ALMOST finish painting a room), a mountain of debt, laundry that can't get put away - accumulates in piles throughout the house, dishes that pile up, she can't clean up after herself, we can't drive together to kids games because she can't be ready on time, she naps excessively and ignores the kids.  

    I have thought about leaving a handful of times.  We have had these conversations.  The only reason I could come up with to stay, was because of the kids.  The more I read, this is not a good reason to stay.  So we are trying to make a last ditch attempt to make the marriage work.  A new twist is that after wanting sex and not getting it for so long, I'm starting to feel less and less attracted to my wife.  She has gained a lot of weight and isn't really working on taking it off.  I am physically fit, generally eat pretty healthy and workout almost everyday.  I don't feel that is holding up her end of any part of the marriage bargain.

     

  • by: maedi - 1 day 15 hours ago

    Two weeks ago my ADHD husband woke me up at 2 a.m. to tell me that he had cheated on me two days prior. He says that he was very lonely, and he had been feeling this way for a few months – he says he missed me and the way our relationship was before we had our baby (we have an 18-month-old daughter).

    He said he didn't tell me because I'm so busy with the baby, and then with trying to spend some time with him after she goes to bed, and he knew I couldn't do anymore than I was doing already. So he started talking to people on some iPhone app, because he felt so lonely. He made plans to meet up with a woman at lunch to just chat. But I know my husband – the thrill he gets when women pay attention to him, especially if they come on to him in a sexual way, is more potent than I'm comfortable with, and I've known this about him for a long time. Attention generally, but sexual attention from women especially, really turns his head. I see it in his eyes – he is just energized by it. We have been together for 18 years, and he has never done more than flirt (non-sexually) and bask in the attention. I've always trusted him to know where the line is. Our relationship has always been very important to him. We both know we have a good thing.

    So he meets this girl to chat, and he says that the flirting started to get sexual. And the adrenaline rush, the thrill of it, kicked in. He told her he was married. She said, "why don't we go somewhere more private?", and he agreed – he says that he didn't think anything would happen – it was a game of chicken, he says, the two of them testing each other. Again, I know my husband – he also likes competition, games, playing with risk. He got into her car, and honest to God, he says he had no idea what was going to happen next. Could anything else be more thrilling to an ADHD man (*Sigh*). I think I get it, but I also think he passed the "this is a stupid bad idea" line waaaaaay back. He tells her he's married again, and that they shouldn't be doing this. He told me that he expected *her* to stop it (?????). She says that it'd be better if they sat in the backseat. They do. She asks if she can kiss him, he says no. She starts to give him oral sex, and he says at some point, he told her couldn't do this, tucked Mr. Happy away, and got out of the car.

    When he told me this, he started to cry, and said he knew he had put our relationship at risk, that he had done a really stupid thing, and he hoped I could forgive him. He said our family means so much to him, and it kills him that he might have thrown it away. He says he felt so lonely, and so low, and he needed to feel something. He said he knew it was a bad idea while doing it, but he stupidly felt like he was in control the whole time, and that he would never let anything happen. He says he should have stopped it sooner, and I told him he shouldn't have been flirting with strange women at all, virtually or in person. I told him that counselling for him is a must-do, no more fighting me about it (he has resisted seeing a therapist to deal with this ADHD for years). He also told me that he took an STD test, and will be taking them for the next three months, because the doctor he spoke to at the walk-in clinic told him that you actually can catch STDs from unprotected oral sex. And since he had sex with me the evening this happened, I might have to get tested too.

    At this point, I feel alternately numb / resigned / furious. I don't know what this says about me, but while I am hurt that he didn't stop it sooner, or even talked to strange women at all, I am not exactly shocked that it happened. Does that even make sense? I feel like as soon as he told me he was meeting a strange woman for coffee whom he chatted with on an iPhone app, I already knew how the story would go. When he gets low, and lonely, and sad, he makes terrible decisions. He said that he usually leans on me to get him through it, but now that we have a family to take care of together, he realizes that he relies on me too much to get him out of his moods.

    I feel that because I know him, I can see my way to forgiveness because in 18 years he's never messed up like this. Oh, he's hurt me in other ways, in worse ways maybe, but I could always count on his fidelity. On his realizing, eventually, that what we have built together is a good thing worth fighting for. But that's a certainty I don't have anymore – I feel like some part of him wants our relationship to explode, like he's testing the limits of what I'll put up with as proof of ... my love for him? his worthiness as a person? I just don't know.

    I am troubled by the "rush" he says he needs to feel to make him feel better. I understand that after 18 years together, he's probably not going to get that same thrill and high from me, and while my younger self would have been deeply hurt by that, I now understand that long-term relationships have pros and cons like anything else. Familiarity and security are wonderful, but the cost (especially for someone with ADHD) are the brain cocktails they need to feel good – the thrill of risk, impulsivity, sexual newness. I am at a loss for how to deal with the anger I have, that he put our family on the line for a sexual thrill and ego boost – selfish desires. In my head, I scream at him 'why are you so weak? is the ego boost so important to you? what about us?' I know that someone else's mouth was on his penis and I want to vomit. He let it get that far, and I want to kick him and slap his face and humiliate him the way he's humiliated me. But this anger contradicts the faith I have that we can get through this, because he does seem genuinely remorseful, and because after 18 years – I know my husband. But what happens when he gets lonely and low again?  Will he have the willpower to avoid chatting with strangers, or will he just succumb because I didn't kick him out? 

    I know this is long, but I need help. On top of this, I'm trying to take care of my baby daughter. I get through the day ok, and he and I are operating as normally as possible, but I feel like I'm just barely keeping it together. Any advice, please.

  • by: Kansasry - 1 day 21 hours ago

    First time here and I am at my wits end.

     

    I have been married to my ADHD husband for almost 2 years now. We were friends for 30 years and engaged for a year. He only recently was diagnosed with ADHD last year and is on medication, though it's not helping.

    The once kind, thoughtful, funny and supportive friend slowly started to fade about 6 months into our engagement. Though at the time, I didn't see it as clearly as I do now. His intense focus on me and our relationship and his concern for my happiness no longer seemed to be a concern. He began to ignore me and would be on his phone all night texting and on facebook. He never remembered anything we spoke of, but could retell every detail of his conversations with others. He lost or misplaced everything and flew into a rage when he couldn't find something (I would stop what I was doing to locate the item). We couldn't go anywhere unless I knew how to get there or he'd fly into a rage. He had less interest in going places with me. Our conversations became superficial and the sexual intimacy slowed significantly. He would behave as though I didn't exist. He will openly engage in very sexual flirtation right in front of me, he took no effort to hide his documented flirtations online and with his phone (he also accepts and keeps nude photos from women) and if I can drag him out on a date he won't compliment me but will spend our date pointing out all the women he thinks is hot.

    When these things first started, I brought them to his attention. I work in HR so I know how to approach difficult conversation. Each time he would either say "you're crazy!" or actually deny the action or intent. He would assure me that it's just normal flirting and that he would never "Stick my dick in them."  When the behavior didn't stop, I would start to get very frustrated and pretty darn angry. His only response would be, "you're crazy, I'm the perfect husband." The only time he relented was if he mentioned my crazy behavior to a friend or coworker and they would tell him that he was so wrong. But then he slides right back into the behavior with in a few weeks or maybe a month. 

    I begged for counseling, he said he would but never helped look. Then we separated and he said he wanted a divorce. He spent a week blasting horrible posts and messages about how I'm crazy and calling me names and encouraging all hs friends and family to participate and add in their insults as well. (He had done this a few times before but on a smaller scale and said he wouldn't publicly shame me again) After a week he begged to come back and I agreed if we went to counseling. He didn't really apologize or want to make amends to the disrespectful facebook behavior, he only said "I dropped the ball, I get it now." 

    We went to counseling but he went drunk all but 1 out of 10 times. After every session he had an excuse why he wanted to stop. He never tried anything the consoler suggested and I had to make all the changes, like practicing a whole new way of speaking to him because apparently I bore him or irritate him with too much info--Yes or no was all he wanted to hear. I let go of expectations and never stated I had any, I never asked him to help with household chores anymore as that was something he said made him mad and I stopped asking about the nude photos I kept finding. He did start to give me some compliments and he stopped pointing out the hot chicks while out but that was it.

    We hit a rough patch a month ago. My 16 yr old son fell into a depression, which he made fun of on facebook, I became ill and needed a day in the hospital and testing and then a co-worker went out on leave and I had to pick up all her work by working 50 hours a week. My husband was hell bent on getting me to change my mind about my son's issue and I made the only request I had made in 4.5 months, I asked him to respect that I didn't agree and that I didn't want to talk about it while I was juggling all that I was. He lasted 2 hours and was back at it. After hours of arguing, I told him that I couldn't take our marriage anymore and that I wanted out. He flew into a rage and promptly went on to facebook to repeat the public bashing of me. It was so bad this time, I mean ugly, that I started to get calls. I confronted him and he agreed to take it down. But he just started new ones.They were all the sme, he is the perfect husband and he has no idea why I was unhappy. It had to be because I was mentally insane among other disgusting insults and lies (apparently I'm an addict, though I couldn't say to what) and his family and friends were supporting him and bashing me, which he encouraged!  Again I was alerted and I told him to leave. He had his son pick him up to where he was yelling the same stuff he put on facebook. mind you, my son was home having to hear his insults and rants and the door was open so the neighbors could hear. I was beyond my boiling point and I did something I regret now. When he left, he had his facebook open. I copied one of his messages from a women he knew that sent a nude photo to him and I posted it on his wall. I left it up for less than a minute and then took it down. He was alerted pretty quickly though and was livid. He spent days defending the message and pic and begged for the girl to forgive him, her only crime was being there for him...

     He was gone for 2 weeks and while I was sad I was getting overmuch needed peace. I was 100% ready for a divorce. but he came to get his stuff and begged for one more try. He promised he would go back to counseling and get his own to address his own needs. I know, here is the stupid part, I said yes and with specific parameters: help around the house, I'm no longer his slave, deactivate facebook, no more sexting, more respect, no more face in his phone and counseling. He said yes too all. But after 2 weeks of being home, facebook was back on and he stated he wasn't going to counseling, he didn't need it . He dropped the ball, he sees that now, he knows what to do. He never once said he was sorry for anything, nothing. All he can say is, "I dropped the ball". 

    It seems to me that he can't focus on anything, unless he wants to, for any serious length of time. And it seems like he has already decided working on our marriage will be too much work. But now that he is home, I can't tell him to leave again but he won't work on us. I feel like he's only back to pay off the credit cards and wait for our lease to expire. We had agreed to stay in our rental home for 4 years and we put a garden in the back. Last night he said he was buying grass seed because that garden was going to only be a one time thing. He sounds like he's given up before he even tried.

    I just don't know what to do here.

     

     

     

  • by: reneelassi - 2 days 16 hours ago
    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago. He finally saw a therapist who determined this when I threatened to leave after being fed up with all of his anger and child like behavior. I have a 10 year old boy and 13 year old girl. Both kids dislike being around him, but my daughter really hates him. She has cut herself in the past and had low self esteem. I believe it stems from his anger toward her and lack of being a loving a father. It's taken a toll on all of us. Now that he finally diagnosed he will soon bee prescribed medication, but I feel torn. Should I leave to give my children a healthier household or stick it out to see if the medication improves things.
  • by: JJamieson - 5 days 38 min ago

    today I turn the tables on my bad habits and am going through all my unwanted stuff and getting rid of it.  I'm a little pissed off right now after my wife left for a meeting because when she gets back...she isn't going to like the mess I made. What I'm really angry is having to clean up her mess this time but its good anger and I'm motivated with a renewed spirit and full of energy!  I'm not afraid if she likes it or not!! It will be alright though because I love it that much.

    Sorry...I guess this could have gone in the slug box but I thought putting in under anger was more appropriate....thinking I could use some cleaning help.  That's all.

     

    J

  • by: AndrewGuthrie - 5 days 10 hours ago

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