Recent Topics

  • by: s00manyquestions - 6 hours 29 min ago
  • by: dvance - 8 hours 2 min ago

    So living with my ADHD husband there are so many phrases that I hear that make me want to run screaming into the street.  Some of the phrases I could live without ever hearing again include:  I just didn't think about it.  I didn't do it on purpose.  I've got it covered (when the opposite is true).  No, did you ask me to?  No, did you tell me to?  I can't remember saying/doing that.  I can't remember you saying/doing that.  I didn't finish...whatever.  I'll do it tomorrow/later (when we know it's NEVER).  And my most favorite: I forgot.  Man am I tired of hearing all of those phrases.  Here's an analogy:  when I was in college I minored in poly sci and I took a number of classes in Russian politics and the prof talked about how the KGD functioned before the cold war--a Russian citizen could get arrested for doing something on a Tuesday that was not illegal on a Monday.  He said trying to figure out the laws at that time was like trying to grab smoke.  THAT is how I think about my husband and trying to communicate with him.  If I ask a question I may get a straightforward answer OR it may take a number of follow up questions and I STILL may be no closer to an answer than before I ever began asking. I just don't get it.  Ditto with the amount of things he "just didn't think about".  How does that work in your job?  What happens when you drop the ball at work because you "just didn't think about it".    But of course how can I get angry when it's not his fault??  He is not a malicious person, doesn't have a mean bone in his body, never does anything on purpose, so I come off as the bitch who is upset that whatever didn't get done despite the fact that he "didn't do it on purpose".  How do others deal with this???  It's like being mad at smoke--if NOTHING is ever his fault how can I possibly be mad???  Any phrases that you could happily never hear again?

  • by: CosmicJoke - 1 day 12 hours ago

    2014 was the year of his secret bank account (since closed when discovered). The year he asked me to get a form notarized so he could take some $ out of his work IRA to pay kid's tuition--and seemed astounded when I found and read the missing  pages of the document and realized I'd be signing off all rights to my share of his pension (and I didn't sign that paper). This is the year he wanted to show me a picture of our kid on his phone--but instead showed me a pictured he'd secretly taken of our check book, bc our tax preparer had suggested I transfer some $ into my IRA (first time since I married him!) bc it would lessen out 2013 tax bill--all of which had been explained to him, of course, but he didn't remember, so he took a picture of the check I wrote to my IRA, for no reason he could articulate!. My "evil motivation in all this" (ie in following our CPA's advice) was to hold on to as much cash as possible for our two leaning disabled kids, in a world where money passes through their father's hands like water.

    Now I am up to my eyebrows in forensic accounting, because he left me with all the statements from his now-closed secret account, and I'm trying to figure out what got deposited from where (he works freelance! oy!) to pay which tax-deductible bill. And he's a septogenarian hypochondriac (all that attention!), so just piecing together the medical bills is a job and a half. And the man can't even do the addition and subtraction of a checkbook--so I've  had this all on me for the last decade or so. But he can open secret accounts, and then not seem to understand anything about them! And then out his own secret, by handing me medical receipts he paid from that secret account. (Apologies if this makes no sense, it barely makes sense to me, my brain is melting...)

    So I have chest pains...and he's off out of state visiting his sister...and I'm writing this to shame myself into admitting I can't go on...Admit it before the constant work of mothering these kids and suing the Board of Ed every year on my son's behalf...and being the forensic accountant....and facing how little I'm earning part-time...and feeling too crazy myself to try to deal with divorce lawyers... makes me put ending this marriage off again, for another year, hating myself for hoping he'll die...

    I feel in my bones that my only hope is to find a divorce lawyer who specializes in these ADHD-related catastrophes--because anyone else will see me as a quivering incoherent mess. Others have posted here about how, after holding on past all endurance, we "non" spouses look crazed. My ADHD spouse--happy as a clam when he faces the world, accomplished and jovial and seemingly carefree. (Only I get the full picture...)

    Help!

  • by: s00manyquestions - 2 days 4 hours ago

    funny!!   here i sit in crystal.  sitting with the remaining bigger items for the Uhaul move tomorrow.  crystal to slp.  pefectionistic and wants to control all aspect and in order to maintian that illusion she( you know..me) must be on her A Game.  I do that....go in and out of 

    11AM pick up Uhaul​

    at Uhaul..crystal 

    starting *1015AM Kim will meet in crystal.  1030*back to house with truck and one car.  11*am Tyler (kim)arrives tab:  tyler J and Ryan?? still dont know...phone crap.  1130* go to slp and so on and so on.  you get it right?

    hehe!!  now look..?  am I missing something..?  hehe cuckle...Ohhh wait!  where's all my crap@!!!?  I was so wrapped up in the timeline/to list to do, i forgot all of my stuff!.  the whole reason for packing!!@  I had to lauch at myself.

  • by: littlepeanut - 2 days 9 hours ago

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. He has inattentive ADHD and has a history of verbally abusive relationships. I myself have OCD and have a history of physically abusive relationships. This makes things very difficult since I am not currently on any form of anxiolytics and he is on Ritalin which also, as you all may know, has a side-effect of anxiety. Go figure. This makes communication very hard because when he gets confused or flustered or is trying to refocus himself, he becomes angry. His outlet for his frustrations are channeled towards anger as opposed to anything else. He often tends to you repeat himself and reinforce things in way that almost feels guilt tripping. I feel trapped by his incessant need to ask questions and clarify every little thing. Sometimes we argue about things like the correct usage of a word or a tick I have and he argues usage to the bitter end, which aggravates my OCD with my need for things to be just-so, sending me into a panic attack. And of course, panic attacks are something he cannot comprehend as well. There was an instance in which he didn't understand why I wanted him to tell me what time we were planning to go on an outing the next day and questioned me as to why it was so important to know the exact time at that moment, to which I entered an anxiety crisis and he continued bombard my mind (which was already closing in on me) with questions like "what is going on", "why are you crying", "why won't you look at me/answer me", and statements like "I don't understand why you're freaking out right now" and "what is the purpose of knowing the exact time." Had it not been for my roommate who used deep breathing exercises with me, I might have began thrashing. His ADHD drives him mad with questions that cause him to stutter with the quickness of his mind and make him angry and frustrated. He is not violent to anyone except himself. He hits himself and slams his body into hard items in frustration. He wants to understand everything so desperately but he can't and I cannot understand him completely because his mind races so quickly and I am slow and methodical. He's brain is very "guns blazing" and "Hi-Ho Silver!" I'm scared for his safety and our arguments cause me too much anxiety. I feel like I shouldn't share my opinions, thoughts, and feelings because he cannot cognitively understand without stressing me out because most of my processes are unexplainable, irrational, and can only be attributed to my OCD. Sometimes I feel like if I was just normal, I could help him. I feel like a terrible person because I feel like the way I am makes everything worse. I used to think that it was him that was trying to understand but it has become clear to me that he pushes himself to the limit to understand even though the way he processes things is often convoluted and scattered. I feel like I'm the problem because it's not that he's the hard one to understand...it's me. And I'm making everything worse. Are there any other spouses/partners of someone with ADHD and have OCD themselves or vice versas? Can anyone help me? I want to be with this man for a long time, but as though the way I am is getting in the way. Is there anyone with ADHD who is with someone with OCD and can tell me what my boyfriend may be feeling? Please help :(

  • by: s00manyquestions - 2 days 10 hours ago

    Anyone have any insight on this?  Has anyone done this and how did it pan out?

  • by: s00manyquestions - 2 days 11 hours ago

    Note to self:  make the 'to do list' the night BEFORE the day comes.

    I say this as a start to a routine sched.  I'm finding it exremeley hard to know what and where I should 'start' my very busy (or at least it should be) day.  I just keep looking around and coming back to the screen.  

    Focus and Breathe. ... Calm and Steady.  Relax and Go.

    I'm finding that I might be/am overwhelming myself with my eternal 'need' for answers, explaination.  I need to pace myself.  And be kind to myself.  It's me and 'IT' is going to be with me.  Now and Then.  Instead of me going along for the ride..I need to be behind the wheel.  ....at least think I am.

    Anyways...to do list nigh before.

    Any other suggestions?  What works?  I've never done this so:  remember...what may have not worked for you..might work for me and vice versa.  I'm a novice player and nothing will be 'wrong'.

     

    Thnx

  • by: Sofrustrated01 - 2 days 12 hours ago

    I am at my wits end.  My ADHD husband spends so much  time on youth hockey for our kids that is has impacted the ability for our family to function in a productive manner.   This has been going on for  almost 25 years.  First, we cannot afford it as he has been in and out if work since we married 20 yeArs ago.   Second, he refuses to pull our kids out of hockey even though it has push us deeper into debt.  Third, i really think it has impacted his ability to keep the jobs he has had since he spends so much time researching youth hockey stats, determining the next teams our kids,  going to tournaments, games, etc.   Fourth,  he insists on doing his own house and car work to save money but ca rarely finish a project because of hockey or he is recovering from hockey games/ tournaments.   Fifth, i cant talk to him about any of it anymore.   He will blow up.   For example,  i was trying to confirm Easter dinner with family and he said he had to check the schedule for hockey stuff.  This is Easter... A high priority for me.   And, he blew up because i said Easter with family should be a priority.   He has convinced 2 of our kids that they shoukd try for the NHL.  Most parents set a more realistic expectation for their kids with goal of youth sports being to have fun, learn teamwork, etc.   He is very critical of the kids and expects perfection every game but yet he has so many bad habits/traits ..eating junk food, playing vudeo games,  spending more than he can afford, running late,  in and out of jobs, piles of stuff arounf house for years,  judgemental, angry outbursts, overreacts,  very defensive, always watching shows online, not finsihing projects,etc.   He kills me that a lot of his angry out bursts and criticalness has hurt our kids self esteem and confidence.    I have asked him to start medication and he has tried off and on.   He doesnt trust specislists/ doctors so doesnt like to see someone to talk to.   His dad died when he was 10 so i think he missed out on some key development when he was young. So, i see him acting like a kid much of the time... Doing fun stuff.   He is very smart but cant apply himself in disciplined manner to non exciting things like work, house projects, planning, finances, maintenance.   I work full time, do the finances,  handle kids other stuff like doctor appts, school requirements, etc.   Because of his obsessiveness with hockey for kids i find i cant always enjoy watching the kids because i know we cant afford it and it keeps us from doing anything else as a family.  I dont know how to handle it.  He suffers from depression because he knows he is not able to reach his potential but the challenges have forced depression on me.

  • by: GailT - 2 days 23 hours ago

    Still trying to understand my now ex's  'ways' so I hope you don't mind another question.

    It always seemed to me that my ex never had an original thought of his own, he always seemed to be heavily influenced by others, or whatever bandwagon was passing at the time he could jump aboard onto.

    Everything from small trivial everyday stuff right up to big stuff like wanting to emigrate because a work mate moved.

    He would often throw his hat into the 'wrong' ring and end up soaking up whatever someone else said and if that someone wasn't the most balanced of people then he'd end up being led down a bad path. As an example - he gave up a good job because of this very situation. He soaked up everything that a particular (very negative) work mate said and jumped onboard his complaining bandwagon with little thought

    He wasn't happy with his job to start with but to be fair, he's been like this about every job he's ever had. However, he just emotionally reacted to the work mate's complaining and before we knew it, he had built up an emotional picture in his head about how awful his job and his employer really were and he quit.  He very much regretted it as soon as he had done it and tried to get his job back but it was too late. He admitted he had been foolish and he shouldn't have got so caught up with other people's thoughts but he hasn't learned from it and continues to do the same thing.

    I've just recently become aware of just how influenced he has been by a work mate about our relationship / breakup. He has been coming out with stuff (about me / money / what should happen now etc) that I know he would never have come up with on his own and tbh I think this person has swayed him more than he knows. The work mate doesn't know anything about me or our family or our finances yet that hasn't stopped him from voicing his opinion about what my ex should do.

    I can't help but feel if he had got into conversation with a more balanced person then perhaps he would have been influenced lin a less negative way and we could have worked through some of our issues.

    I realise it's all water under the bridge now but my non ADHD logical mind needs to go through a process of understanding before I am able to deal with it and move on.

    So, does any one recognise this tendency in themselves or their spouse? If so, were you / they able to recognise this was a 'thing' and could you / did you change it? 

    Once you were influenced / convinced of something, were you able to do a 'U-turn' and be able to change your thoughts or were they too fixed by then?

    I would still even now, love for him to agree to see a counsellor with me but he wont as he says he doesn't love me so there is no point. I believe love is a fluid emotion, it can ebb and flow like the tide and in long term relationships it can feel as if it's gone even although it may just be overwhelmed by life's crappy times.

    On the other hand, he believes you shouldn't have to work hard at relationships, if you need to work hard then they aren't right to start with. He just wants the fun happy stuff.

    Anyway, back to the question..........

  • by: s00manyquestions - 3 days 2 hours ago

    Hey all.  Check this out.  I found it interesting and made sense to me and my previous decisions and actions as an adolescent and adult!!  (ps.  I was in the National Guard and deployed for a yr in 09.) and (there was a major devistating lost of our son last year) and (I just took that massive 'head' test and my doc was extremely shocked how low...wayyy lower than average my PTSD level was.)  With all the mentioned and ugly childhood.

    It'll make sense once you read it.  I hope it might give some insight into your lives..

    http://adhd-treatment-options.blogspot.com/2009/12/adhd-subtype-differen...

     

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