Please help. I am considering divorce and need your honest advise!!! I’ve been married for 11+ years but have been with my husband for 15+ years. Throughout our years together we’ve been much in love, very close, and have supported each other in tough times. No major fights.
The one thing I’ve never liked about him are his angry outbursts/frustration. He’s always had them, but I figured I would put up since most things were good between us. They began to really bother me when we first had our kids though, (now 6 and 3) and they are slowly getting worse... major overreactions to simple things like spilled water, hard time dealing with their crying/tantrums/demands at times, yelling, swear words (at the incident, not at them) etc some times, they don’t last long, but the lashing out hurts and he seems to forget it soon after it happens.
I thought he had to develop more patience, but after my recent research on ADHD I realized he has the symptoms of the hyperactive/impulsive type, (found out I had the ADD type also). Our special connection/love, the outbursts and many things started making sense then. I told him to look into ADHD but he does not believe in it, or says he if he has it then his symptoms are under control, which I know is not true. My oldest has actually started requesting I drive to avoid all the yelling/frustration and impatience when dad drives. He also occasionally explodes at me (yelling, sarcasm, swear words at situation) about other things unnecessarily, which I’ve been very patient with and I’m finally starting to get fed up. I scream back at him and don’t let him tell me what I should do. He also says inappropriate comments about me or others in front of people, luckily we don’t have family close by or even socialize with others very much.
We have great times together as a family but these outbursts around the kids make me super anxious. I ask the kids to go watch TV to another room, or eat before he gets home, to minimize the possibility of an outburst. I find myself often walking on eggshells so we don’t upset him. When I see he’s about to lose it with the kids, I step in and redirect them, or find a way of moving them away, like shielding them from his outbursts. He doesn’t want me stepping on his toes when he’s disciplining them, but I cannot just watch him mistreat them with his screaming and rough demeanor. He’s not physical but the intensity of the raised voice and body language leave you wondering what the hell is wrong. The kids (who show ADHD symptoms) need a lot of patience, and these outburst don’t help. It feels good and relaxing when I'm home or in the car just with the kids.
Although intimacy rarely happens with us nowadays, I still feel that old soulmate connection with him especially when we are alone, and we laugh together, and talk about anything, and it makes me think things aren’t that bad. Then an outburst happens and it’s like an ice bucket. They can happen daily (the computer, the kids, the traffic, waiting in line at the store, the game, a news article, etc.) I know I cannot just keep ignoring them; they are not going away.
I need energy to be a good mother to my two children and this drains me every day. He says I cannot expect everyone to act like me. He has his "unique way of dealing with things” and I should respect it. I was raised in a peaceful and quiet household and feel I need this type of environment now more than ever. His home was full of turmoil with daily arguments from his parents who ended up in a bad place in old age. I’m a worrier and part of me feels like my husband's outbursts may get progressively worse with the kids, and now is a good time to split rather than stay hoping for the best. At least that is what I see when reading some of the stories from people with grown kids, regretting not having taken the divorce step earlier.
I can be intimidated/frozen by problems sometimes, but I can be courageous and do anything I must for my kids. I need your help. Please advise!!