Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Is it ADHD or something else as well? by: honestly 8 hours 19 min ago

    From my own experience, and from reading others' posts here, I am wondering if what we are dealing with in ADHD partners is always necessarily a symptom of their ADHD. My husband has a diagnosis, but I keep thinking that some of the difficult things that come up map onto narcissism as well as ADHD. Grandiose sense of his own self-importance (he's an artist and so he's above the little day to day stuff - someone else can take care of it) extreme defensiveness around even the slightest hint of an inkling that he might be flawed (RSD or does he actually believe that he alone in all of humanity is perfect?). He has other symptoms or traits that don't match onto ADHD like a desire to surround himself with 'important' or 'special' people. There can of course be co-morbidities with any condition. But I'm wondering if anyone else has thought this - 'is it just ADHD or is he also a narcissist?'

  • Working things out vs. Wanting to live differently? by: nonadhdwife889 1 day 7 hours ago

    I'm new and have a question here for anyone who's thought about this. I'd be really grateful to know what conclusion you came to and what your thought process was.

    I'm a non adhd spouse and we have three young children. My husband was recently diagnosed and has tried medication, which helped but didn't magically resolve everything, but has recently been stopped due to medication shortages. He's just started seeing a therapist who specialises in adhd. I will say it took him six years to get a diagnosis after I initially told him I think he has adhd. He is not as extreme as some I have read on this forum. He is a wonderful father in the moment and can hold down a decent job, but basically can't contribute much beyond that to parenting or the household - or to supporting me and my own needs (though at least he sees he's not and wants to). He also has typical adhd emotional dysregulation stuff - not aggressive but hyper sensitive and can have big emotional reactions to small things, a sense of urgency they dont really require. I also have a demanding career which is important to me. He accepts his adhd (in theory) and is deeply sorry for what it puts on me and doesn't want things to be that way. But he almost never recognises the symptoms in the moment and will get very angry and upset if I point anything out. It's almost like being married to two different people. I feel I'm often left trying to help him manage his emotions in a way I don't want to do (I'm very aware of a parent-child dynamic, but like others on this forum this can be hard to step away from when you have children because of the consequences). I do this partly because I want to help him but tbh a big reason is to minimise the impact of his negative emotional reactions on everything else (because often I'm spinning many plates already when he'll unexpectedly get upset about something).

    I have my own things to deal with from childhood that I am seeing a therapist for. They recently advised that I am so overwhelmed and burnt out that they think I am not in place to open things up and deal with them. That was a wake up call for me - that going on as I have may cost me fundamental things I need as a person. And really sad. 

    Close friends I have confided in have said they see me looking burnt out, that I don't have the spark I used to and that they are worried about me. Having young kids is obviously a factor, but I think a husband with adhd is the bigger one tbh. 

    Point is: Ive read up loads on adhd. I understand where a lot of my husbands more challenging behaviours come from, I'm not angry with him. Ive read Melissa's book. So has my husband. There's some good stuff in there, we've tried a lot of it. It never sticks. In all honesty, some of it doesn't resonate with me. A lot of it appears to still involve a great deal of compromise from the non adhd spouse. That might work for some people, but right now I'm left with the feeling that I just don't want to 
    live like that. That it's not acceptable for me. That it involves too much compromise at my expense. I don't know how to know if that's right. I don't want to end my marriage but as time goes on I feel less and less attached to that, more feeling a need to focus on my own well being. I've been honest with my husband about all of this. He desperately loves me and wants to save our marriage, but tbh he's been saying that for years and nothing ever gets better enough for me to stop having these thoughts. But it's not clear cut because he is a good person and he is trying, but I'm just not sure if it will ever be enough. 

    Has anyone else had thoughts like this?

     

     

     

  • Is it time to go? by: Tired girl 1 day 11 hours ago

    We've been married for 30+ yrs. Husband was diagnosed when he was 50, but we struggled long before that. He takes meds, goes to therapy and says he spends "so much time" working on his ADHD. We've gone to couples therapy and taken Melissa's class twice. I've gone to therapy multiple times as well. Despite all this, to me it feels like his ADHD is untreated. I've tried to help him with docs and treatment but he needs to help himself.  He suffers from severe RSD, which I think is the root of so much of what we struggle with. He takes guanficine, but it doesn't seem to help. The ever so smallest thing sets him off into an irritability spiral and he's snarky and mean. I manage all things that require any attention to detail, I coordinate 99% of the details of our lives....... it seems like he only hears 25% of what we talk about. I never know if he's paid attention to stuff so I can't count on him for many things. When I ask a question about something we've talked about multiple times and he doesn't remember talking about it he gets all irritable and lashes out at me. Sometimes he says he's sorry for lashing out, but there's usually an excuse ..... "oh I didn't sleep, my phone isn't working". I'm exhausted, angry, sad, lonely and frustrated. I've told him multiple times that I'm at the end of my rope and something has to change. He makes some changes for a week or so then we're back to the same place....... over and over and over. I'm not the happy, fun creative person I used to be. So often he sucks all the joy from me. After his little meltdowns he can snap out of it and make jokes, but I'm spent and can't "snap out of it". So I stay angry, frustrated and cold towards him because I'm just so tired of being treated like that. We retired a few years ago and I thought things might improve since we would both be less stressed, but that hasn't been the case. He gets so hyper focused on various things that he's oblivious to everything else. When I mention the hyper focus  he says "oh I guess I just can't do x - I'll just quit doing that". 
    For a long time I kept thinking he could find something..... therapy, new med, new tool........that  would help us, but I now realize that's not going to happen and at almost 70 he's not going to change. I'm struggling with making the break, financially it will be hard. I often think "who will take care of me when I'm 80" or "I don't want to be alone" ...... but then I realize how alone I feel now and wonder if I'd be better off calling it quits?????  I read all the stories here and I'm not optimistic that we can make it work

  • Is it time to go? by: Tired girl 1 day 11 hours ago
  • ADHD husband feeling overwhelmed by: Karmakameleon 2 days 16 hours ago

    50 years old, just diagnosed less than a year ago. Financially stable, career stable, a little impulsive, but very internally hyperactive. Only been married a short time. I'm in my third ADHD and relationships book. 2 by Orlov. I've read all of them. She will not. It's a me problem, not an us problem. 

    I'm tired of the backhanded or just out right derogatory comments. The, and I quote "Let me tell you why you're wrong. "

    The rejection and withholding of affection. The gaslighting. The I'm never right she's never wrong. 

    It's exhausting and I'm overwhelmed. 

     

  • Constantly destabilizing me by: HelpWanted2022 2 days 20 hours ago

    I've been with my boyfriend over a decade now. We found out he has ADHD a few years ago but he doesnt like taking the drugs for it. He said they made his heart race and he didn't like it. 

    The problem at the moment is that we are getting older and I want to buy a house and start a family soon. We are getting married as well and I thought that would be the start of a bit of a chain that would get us into a settled family life. For years now one of his big ADHD traits has been impulsiveness without action. What I mean is that over and over again he will come up with crazy plans about what he wants to do with his life but then does nothing about it, then later blames me and says I held him back because of my job/friends/lifestyle. He says he hates his job so he wants to move abroad and start a random business but he has no plan. I feel like Ive tried everything - being supportive of this stuff because I dont want to seem like I dont care but then nothing ever happens about it. Its a cyce and now I just won't entertain the conversation any more and then we argue that he says I dont care about his dreams or believe in him and resents me for "holding him back". This did stop for a while but over the last week he has had an argument with his new boss and its now all being dragged up again. I should say that we are also half way through planning our wedding and he now is saying he wants to move abroad and start a business or "take a year out" and travel but again theres no plan.

    I thought as we are planning our wedding things might be different now. He might grow up and stop what I cant help but see as childish fantasies but they seem to be getting worse. He has even said things about spending all his (soon to be our) savings from years of hard work on moving abroad and setting up this business and working for himself. This is money I thought would go to our first home.

    I dont think he realises (or maybe doesnt care) how much this effects my mental health.  I find the cycle of suddenly wanting to pack up our whole life and spend all our money on a whim very destabilizing even if it has been a long term thing he wants. I dont know whether we're settling down to have a family or packing our bags and moving abroad and it hurts me that he cant see thats hard for me. At the same time it feels like if I don't support these whims, I am being a horrible unsupportive partner who doesn't believe in him. I just cant pretend to support something I know he will have got over in a few weeks but also that I definitely dont want. I wish he could understand that every time he does this it pushes me a little further away. I need security in my life emotionally and financially and is a real struggle for me.

  • The stress visible by: Swedish coast 3 days 5 hours ago

    Today for the first time after divorce I had to rescue a situation where my ADD ex-partner had slipped on his responsibilities. Child came to me late Sunday evening. My child was unprepared for the upcoming week's school assignments and lacked necessary equipment. Stress set in since the situation was not entirely beyond repair, but almost.

    I saved it, to the cost of rising early Monday after having worked an evening shift, child's disappointment and tears, and having to spend my day off sorting it out. But it was interesting to see what the ADD slip did to me physically. 

    I immediately had an headache that turned into migraine later in the day. Body knotted up with stress. So upset I had to vent with a friend immediately after child went to school. Hours later I'm still shaken.

    It's clear why my GP told me to get out of the marriage at all costs. It literally threatened to destroy me.

    When I was still married these rescues happened on an everyday basis and I didn't really notice them all separately. But after four months of rest it's crystal clear what they do to my body. I think this may be true for other non-ADHD partners too. Please show yourselves respect for what you're doing to cover for your ADHD partners. It's a lot. 

     

     

     

     

  • Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave by: Haveaniceday 3 days 10 hours ago

    I've spent hours reading posts on  this forum, like everyone else, your stories of ADD H, could be mine. Just recently realised that ADD is what is going on with H, after our son was diagnosed a year ago. Could never explain H's behaviours, always knew something was different but due to his being a rather avoidant and passive person who doesn't have the anger issues (well external anyway, have since realised he has successfully internalised it into passive aggression), but soon after marriage everything went downhill. Have begged him to get help, promises and no action is always the result. Every few months I find myself saying I can't do this for the rest of my life, but I see no way out.... Financially we're at rock bottom, 2 kids both with their own issues, and H is a very good man who "tries" very hard, but seems to never get it right. I've felt lonely, unfulfilled, anxious for 2 decades. It would crush him to lose this marriage as he is totally dependent on me emotionally and for keeping his life together, and I could never break up the family for what feels like my own selfishness. But, I've lived a completely empty and shallow life because I've spent so much time, money and attention on managing him and the fallout. I fantasise about having a man who can take the tiniest bit care of me, of not wearing the pants and being the driver 99% of the time. Sometimes I wonder if it would be the worst thing to quietly find someone that just from time to time can give me that so that I can stay the course. Its completely not the way I was raised, and I'm shocked at myself for even thinking this, but I can't see a way out and I'm tired of dying on the inside and being exhausted on the outside. I just cannot see a way out that wouldn't do so much harm to everyone, just so that I can feel a little fulfilled. Does anyone have these kinds of thoughts? I used to be a very romantic, fun person, loved planning surprise things, finding the perfect gift for H, sensual and adventurous, and now im just exhausted and aloof with him due to all the disappointments. I want to be myself again, and worry that the kids are not seeing what a healthy, balanced and fulfilling marriage should be. But I cannot see a way out, and I cannot stay like this and betray myself much longer - such a sad sad situation!

  • Rumination after a marital session by: fancycow 5 days 23 hours ago

    Hello,

    Our family is new to the ADHD journey. While we have been living with it for quite some time, it's been newly discovered in the last few months, in my husband and so far pre-teen son.  Our son has been causing some strife in the family, angry outbursts, refusing to go to activities, refusing to eat, etc.  This has caused major strife between my husband and I.  In our last marital counseling session, I brought up that I need help with our son - taking more time off work to help him with school work, getting him to eat, getting him to do chores, and getting him to activities.  Mostly so I can have a break, since the majority of our son's anger lashes out to me specifically.  Our marital counselor and I brought up that the way Jason is approaching his parenting style is to somewhat one-up me, or making it seem like his parenting model is better than mine.  That is my feeling right now, and that I'm not feeling very supported.  Since that appointment, he now is refusing to sleep in our bed, and has not spoken to me since.  He has advised that it is clear that everything he thinks is wrong (told by me and the counselor), that he should be grateful for all the things I do - these are his words.  He does not want to go to counseling next week with me, cancelled our weekly date night, and has already cancelled his next individual therapy session.

    I'm at a bit of a loss for how to engage him - the words that he's using were not how I saw the conversation and now I'm feeling like I can't even safely express my frustrations about things without him automatically shutting down completely.  

  • Wife new job - gone WAY overboard with hours by: bb1471 1 week 1 hour ago

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