I think those of us who have struggled for years to find that healthy attachment we all crave, like to hear encouraging stories...My wife and I have made a lot of progress, and or at a place today, that I only believed possible by a miracle...What happened? Simply put, awareness happened...Fifteen years ago when we got married, the reality of my mind's desires and abilities for day to day life...And her mind's desires and abilities for day to day life, threw us into Shock!....Which immediately was followed by turmoil, chaos, expectations, non-acceptance, pointing out of dysfunction, fighting, and fussing on an epic level...etc..etc...We were in the marriage from HELL....

Certain things just happened....I lost myself pretty much, got on eggshells, became an enabler/mother to my wife...My mind became so over whelmed with watching her live out a life that I said in my heart; Nobody lives this way!  I was so messed up emotionally that I ended up in the ED one night w/ my heart jumping around...Which the heart doctor told me, we can't find a physical reason (wrong) for it...He kindly looked me in the face and said....You've got to relax!....I already knew....

After about 11 months a part, lots of praying, reading and soul searching, I realized for us to have any type of a peaceful future, we had to have full acceptance (agree or not, accepting the lived out reality of another person, does not mean you agree, it means you respect their right of life.) of even that we could not understand...And there had to be boundaries placed on myself to be 100% responsible for my emotions, words, attitudes, behaviors etc, all the things I wanted from her...Also the eggshells had to be move out, and my own life had to move back in....No expectations, but just full acceptance of the reality she was showing me daily.... That was year 5...ever since then it's been steady progress (SLOW, steady progress)....Because after the eleven months when she moved back in...She still had basically the same attitude (and all the same symptoms of a high level ADD mind) as when she left....But, I did not.... She did not, like this new guy, who was living peacefully like she didn't exist, in the things that caused all the toxicity in our lives those first 5 years...She realized that I was not going to enable, be controlled or manipulated, and most of all I wasn't going to jump into verbal combat with her...She was most miserable....Without her old partner in arms, she had no one to blame...When you can't blame, it makes justifying your own evil and self serving actions much more painful...Because even minds locked in denial need to be able to prop up their denial w/ blame and justification....By the way, I've been far from perfect at holding to some of my boundaries...Some of the hardest for me was walking away when a conversations was clearly headed off the tracks, and to stop pointing out behaviors that were detrimental to trust and unity....But, I've gotten better at ignoring and walking away from attempts to draw me into verbal conflicts....Usually built around her desire to use me, or control me...Make her life easy, and w/ out accountability...lol....

What has happened over the past few years is much more about our individual lives geared toward the love and trust of our savior, than our own abilities....But she just started being a person I didn't know, and the more I love and appreciate her, the more this new girl shows up...Just the other day she was telling me something she wanted to do, she had that in control matter of a fact look in her eyes :)...I just smiled and didn't reply....About 3 seconds after she looked away, she turned right back, leaned into me, and said calmly..."It will just be what ever you think"...I almost broke down...Do you know how many times in 15 years, I have witnessed an act of submission, along w/ a look of love?  And heard the words "what ever you think"....That's right; zero! :) I didn't travel with her the past several years, (self imposed boundary) because I couldn't trust her to not get me out of town, or out of the country, and start making demands, and ruin our whole vacation...What a waste of money! lol....But we just got back from a seven day trip a few weeks ago...It was awesome! Part of it is, she knows I love her, she knows I expect and am not shocked by features of high level ADD being part of her existence...She trusts that I have something bigger living inside me than the guy she is married to...We will always have some boundaries, but, that's a good thing for us two humans... Self ownership, and respecting your spouse enough to never attempt to think for them is life giving....When we have these huge difference's, we end up fighting and disrespecting each other trying to think for each other, and demanding they move over to our way of thinking/living....That is where all the conflict and unhappiness comes from...Many even forfeit martial sex, because who wants to make love to an angry bitter person? Wishing you all a marriage of what is possible and peace be had... <3

c

Hello all,

I am looking for The ADHD Effect on Marriage in the Chinese language to give to my wife.  Where can I find it in other languages?  

Whilst it is too late to save the marriage itself, (truthfully I think the right time for me to have known my ADHD diagnosis, read this book, and begun working hard on changing myself was around 2016/17 so about 7 years too late) the book covers a lot of areas that will be helpful regarding ADHD relationships which other co-parenting manuals do not; communication, empathy, treatment, boundaries.  We need to co-parent our daughter amicably and if we are constantly at odds with each other that is not going to be good for our child.  

(Hint: maybe Melissa Orlov could work on a version of this book specifically on co-parenting with ADHD in the future?)

Edit: The link to a Chinese copy of the book says it has expired for the copyright contract so it isn't able to be sold.  I am happy to buy second-hand either physical or pdf version.  Just really want to keep to my promise to track down a Chinese version.  

Is it normal for the person with ADHD to be horrible in a crisis?   Not only is my husband terrible in a bad situation, but he often makes it worse.   I was just talking with someone the other day about how I was dying in the hospital after having my first child and he thought it was appropriate to joke with the nurse that I was just faking it. Yes, the nurse took him seriously and yes, I could have had a stroke.   Or the time we had issues with a contractor and he decided I was being irrational and he and the contractor forced me (by badgering constantly for three days) to sign a document saying that I was satisfied with the work (we needed that to release funds from the bank), and then a few weeks later our brand-new porch fell apart in the rain and we had to sue and got a lot less money because. . . wait for it. . . the contractor had a document saying that I was satisfied with the work.  

It's like this with every bad situation.   I don't know if it's because I'm the rock and every time he sees me as vulnerable he wants to have the upper hand, or if he just panics and does the wrong thing.  Then it sets us off in a cycle.   He does the bad thing, I'm furious, but also in a place where I can't leave him at that moment because of financial or stress issues, I dig myself out of the situation and by that time, he's fine.  He's apologized and things are back to normal except that a few months earlier he did some thing that I would have left him for on the spot if we were just dating and not married.   And the things add up.  

Right now we have been in dire financial straits for years, basically because I have been trying to get him to actually do something about it, instead of killing myself to keep up with his irresponsibility.  That didn't work, and I just had to get a new job.  I slowly started taking the steps to get myself in a place where we can divorce.  And he didn't even understand that I had to get the job because of him.   He's like "oh, you wanted more stuff to do so you could keep a better schedule."  No, I got a job that would lead to a new career in about three years (it's grant-funded, so it has an expiration date). 

Guess what happened. After years of begging him to get a new job that would pay him better (and let's face it, he has ADHD - he's probably gotten bored and complacent at that job and it's not going to get better.  He should be switching jobs more often, but instead he overstays his welcome and gets laid off.)   For the first time in our 27 years together, he updated his resume when he still had a job.   We will see if he actually applies to something.   I should be happy, but I'm kind of annoyed that I decided he would never change and I had to go and he changed.  And that's why we've been together for so long.  I decide that I've had enough and he switches gears.  But he never does it before it's too late.   We are now not putting groceries on credit cards and NOW he decides to get a new job? 

Why can't he do the right thing when things are bad?  Why?

After thinking I had lost the entire relationship with my ADD ex-husband soon-to-be, this weekend I managed to turn things around. Still living with me, and having hurt me badly, he has done nothing to make the last weeks bearable. He hasn't taken initiatives to prepare for the separation either. I've been in agony. Thursday, I decided to go against the impulse to run away for the weekend. Instead I decided to sit down with him, be kind despite everything, and suggest a plan. It worked.

Sure, we're splitting our home, but we've now been working together all weekend on it. All belongings have been divided, even the silliest ones. There was even some joking. Gratitude expressed on both sides. All kinds of little kindnesses. At times crying and hugging. 

This autumn has been the strangest time so far. I'm exhausted today, from the sheer physical act of turning things around. Happy too. Not so deep into thinking of how futile everything has been.

Everything is simultaneously true. I privately think he's more or less ruined my life. I feel the deepest connection with him. He is someone I can trust, and not at all. We are each other's support, and threaten each other's health. I might know him so well, and still have no idea of his thoughts, or what his future life might be like.

Im hoping for a friendship that will sheath our children. It's more important than my pride or sense of justice. 

Only a couple of weeks ago I thought I could never forgive him. Now, such thoughts seem beside the point. It's all about moving along with things, as my woman friend the chaos pilot said. Adapting to reality seems to gain you a strange quality. It's vulnerable. It is also surprisingly attractive. A new version of self is coming forward.

Thank you dear community for the sharing of thoughts and emotions. It helps me immensely to put this into words.