Recent forum posts (all topics)

  • Constantly destabilizing me by: HelpWanted2022 1 month 3 days ago

    I've been with my boyfriend over a decade now. We found out he has ADHD a few years ago but he doesnt like taking the drugs for it. He said they made his heart race and he didn't like it. 

    The problem at the moment is that we are getting older and I want to buy a house and start a family soon. We are getting married as well and I thought that would be the start of a bit of a chain that would get us into a settled family life. For years now one of his big ADHD traits has been impulsiveness without action. What I mean is that over and over again he will come up with crazy plans about what he wants to do with his life but then does nothing about it, then later blames me and says I held him back because of my job/friends/lifestyle. He says he hates his job so he wants to move abroad and start a random business but he has no plan. I feel like Ive tried everything - being supportive of this stuff because I dont want to seem like I dont care but then nothing ever happens about it. Its a cyce and now I just won't entertain the conversation any more and then we argue that he says I dont care about his dreams or believe in him and resents me for "holding him back". This did stop for a while but over the last week he has had an argument with his new boss and its now all being dragged up again. I should say that we are also half way through planning our wedding and he now is saying he wants to move abroad and start a business or "take a year out" and travel but again theres no plan.

    I thought as we are planning our wedding things might be different now. He might grow up and stop what I cant help but see as childish fantasies but they seem to be getting worse. He has even said things about spending all his (soon to be our) savings from years of hard work on moving abroad and setting up this business and working for himself. This is money I thought would go to our first home.

    I dont think he realises (or maybe doesnt care) how much this effects my mental health.  I find the cycle of suddenly wanting to pack up our whole life and spend all our money on a whim very destabilizing even if it has been a long term thing he wants. I dont know whether we're settling down to have a family or packing our bags and moving abroad and it hurts me that he cant see thats hard for me. At the same time it feels like if I don't support these whims, I am being a horrible unsupportive partner who doesn't believe in him. I just cant pretend to support something I know he will have got over in a few weeks but also that I definitely dont want. I wish he could understand that every time he does this it pushes me a little further away. I need security in my life emotionally and financially and is a real struggle for me.

  • The stress visible by: Swedish coast 1 month 3 days ago

    Today for the first time after divorce I had to rescue a situation where my ADD ex-partner had slipped on his responsibilities. Child came to me late Sunday evening. My child was unprepared for the upcoming week's school assignments and lacked necessary equipment. Stress set in since the situation was not entirely beyond repair, but almost.

    I saved it, to the cost of rising early Monday after having worked an evening shift, child's disappointment and tears, and having to spend my day off sorting it out. But it was interesting to see what the ADD slip did to me physically. 

    I immediately had an headache that turned into migraine later in the day. Body knotted up with stress. So upset I had to vent with a friend immediately after child went to school. Hours later I'm still shaken.

    It's clear why my GP told me to get out of the marriage at all costs. It literally threatened to destroy me.

    When I was still married these rescues happened on an everyday basis and I didn't really notice them all separately. But after four months of rest it's crystal clear what they do to my body. I think this may be true for other non-ADHD partners too. Please show yourselves respect for what you're doing to cover for your ADHD partners. It's a lot. 

     

     

     

     

  • Not good enough to stay, not bad enough to leave by: Haveaniceday 1 month 3 days ago

    I've spent hours reading posts on  this forum, like everyone else, your stories of ADD H, could be mine. Just recently realised that ADD is what is going on with H, after our son was diagnosed a year ago. Could never explain H's behaviours, always knew something was different but due to his being a rather avoidant and passive person who doesn't have the anger issues (well external anyway, have since realised he has successfully internalised it into passive aggression), but soon after marriage everything went downhill. Have begged him to get help, promises and no action is always the result. Every few months I find myself saying I can't do this for the rest of my life, but I see no way out.... Financially we're at rock bottom, 2 kids both with their own issues, and H is a very good man who "tries" very hard, but seems to never get it right. I've felt lonely, unfulfilled, anxious for 2 decades. It would crush him to lose this marriage as he is totally dependent on me emotionally and for keeping his life together, and I could never break up the family for what feels like my own selfishness. But, I've lived a completely empty and shallow life because I've spent so much time, money and attention on managing him and the fallout. I fantasise about having a man who can take the tiniest bit care of me, of not wearing the pants and being the driver 99% of the time. Sometimes I wonder if it would be the worst thing to quietly find someone that just from time to time can give me that so that I can stay the course. Its completely not the way I was raised, and I'm shocked at myself for even thinking this, but I can't see a way out and I'm tired of dying on the inside and being exhausted on the outside. I just cannot see a way out that wouldn't do so much harm to everyone, just so that I can feel a little fulfilled. Does anyone have these kinds of thoughts? I used to be a very romantic, fun person, loved planning surprise things, finding the perfect gift for H, sensual and adventurous, and now im just exhausted and aloof with him due to all the disappointments. I want to be myself again, and worry that the kids are not seeing what a healthy, balanced and fulfilling marriage should be. But I cannot see a way out, and I cannot stay like this and betray myself much longer - such a sad sad situation!

  • Rumination after a marital session by: fancycow 1 month 6 days ago

    Hello,

    Our family is new to the ADHD journey. While we have been living with it for quite some time, it's been newly discovered in the last few months, in my husband and so far pre-teen son.  Our son has been causing some strife in the family, angry outbursts, refusing to go to activities, refusing to eat, etc.  This has caused major strife between my husband and I.  In our last marital counseling session, I brought up that I need help with our son - taking more time off work to help him with school work, getting him to eat, getting him to do chores, and getting him to activities.  Mostly so I can have a break, since the majority of our son's anger lashes out to me specifically.  Our marital counselor and I brought up that the way Jason is approaching his parenting style is to somewhat one-up me, or making it seem like his parenting model is better than mine.  That is my feeling right now, and that I'm not feeling very supported.  Since that appointment, he now is refusing to sleep in our bed, and has not spoken to me since.  He has advised that it is clear that everything he thinks is wrong (told by me and the counselor), that he should be grateful for all the things I do - these are his words.  He does not want to go to counseling next week with me, cancelled our weekly date night, and has already cancelled his next individual therapy session.

    I'm at a bit of a loss for how to engage him - the words that he's using were not how I saw the conversation and now I'm feeling like I can't even safely express my frustrations about things without him automatically shutting down completely.  

  • Wife new job - gone WAY overboard with hours by: bb1471 1 month 1 week ago
  • Honestly - its like dealing with a middle aged teenager by: bb1471 1 month 1 week ago
  • Suggestions for successful initiatives by: Lonely21 1 month 1 week ago

    Everyone who has browsed the forums a little will have already noticed that there are countless realistic reports of situations that led to the end of the relationship. I believe there is a lot in common in all of them. But would it be possible to open a topic just with suggestions from those who have had real success in their relationships? I'm looking for suggestions on how to make the partner realize the extent of the problem for the marriage (he knows he has ADHD, but is unaware of the impact on the marriage).

  • It was actually double ADHD - anyone else? by: Sadandconfused 1 month 1 week ago

    So I'm not sure if this is the right forum as I've just been diagnosed ADHD myself. First this made it even harder to understand my relationship. My partner has bedtime revenge issues causing sleep loss and morning rage. I do not because I've known since I was a teen I need loads of sleep. He uses his powers of perception to tell others (inc me) what is wrong with them. I use mine for empathy. My partner has no friends. I have dozens inc ten or so very close friends. My partner parents his kids permissively and impulsively. I was a Gina Ford mama and I'm authoritative. My kid behaves beautifully while one of my partner's kids is on the verge of failing in a specialist behavior school. 

    I definitely now know my struggles - perfectionism, people pleasing, burnout, missing important details at work, being disorganised unless really careful - are caused by ADHD. But how did I know to manage myself my whole life before getting diagnosed at 45? Why does my partner - and so many men we discuss on here - not manage himself well? He was diagnosed years ago and since I knew him he has been medicated. 

    I have just started my meds and I have so much clarity. ADHD is an explanation but it's not an excuse or a free pass. It's a superpower (like the force in Star Wars) if used for good to fight for the right causes and be an empathetic friend and focus on useful work. It's good to question authority and have an independent mind. But if it's used for interpersonal conflict, to get a kick out of winning point scoring, to be defiant for its own sake and to perceive unkindly, it's Darth. The dark side. 
     

    There's no reason to pity anyone for having ADHD or to compensate for them or clean up their mess. No one did for me for 45 years and I'm a successful and popular person. The final bit of clarity I have from taking meds is that my relationship has to end. There's no problem with picking someone who has ADHD but they have to be someone who's using their ADHD wisely rather than letting it mess up their lives. 

  • Partner does not seek help by: Lonely21 1 month 1 week ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this year, we have two young children and the fights have become increasingly constant. I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore, because I feel exhausted. I would really like him to seek treatment and objective tools for everyday life. He started therapy last year, after many requests from me, but this year he hasn't returned and isn't receptive to any help. I find myself at a dead end, as my two options are flawed, one would be for us to talk and try to resolve the conflicts, but he is incapable of doing so, the other option is for me to try to overlook the situations and keep them to myself without verbalizing them, but this ends up generating I feel frustrated and angry and I end up exploding over small things (the bucket is always full and about to spill) and he can't understand why, so he sees me as bad-tempered, bossy, annoying, stressed. I don't know how to make him understand the importance of seeking treatment.  And simply accepting that he won't seek treatment is like sentencing our relationship to failure.

  • Partner doesn't seek help by: Lonely21 1 month 1 week ago

    My husband was diagnosed with ADHD this year, we have two young children and the fights have become increasingly constant. I don't know how to deal with the situation anymore, because I feel exhausted. I would really like him to seek treatment and objective tools for everyday life. He started therapy last year, after many requests from me, but this year he hasn't returned and isn't receptive to any help. I find myself at a dead end, as my two options are flawed, one would be for us to talk and try to resolve the conflicts, but he is incapable of doing so, the other option is for me to try to overlook the situations and keep them to myself without verbalizing them, but this ends up generating I feel frustrated and angry and I end up exploding over small things (the bucket is always full and about to spill) and he can't understand why, so he sees me as bad-tempered, bossy, annoying, stressed. I don't know how to make him understand the importance of seeking treatment.

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