Hello. I am really struggling with what to do. I am married to an ADHD partner and we have young kids. My partner has been out of adderall for a week, since they missed an appointment with their prescriber. (this is not the first time this has happened, and I suspect that my partner is probably using up all their chances with this prescriber). For the first 5 days, my partner said they hadn't heard back from the prescriber. I also expressed my frustration that my partner keeps running out of medication (which has been happening consistently for months, and honestly years, leaving my partner unable to function, not making it to work, not doing anything at home, and not able to parent). I just learned that my partner has heard back from the prescriber who was willing to meet, but that my partner didn't want to. Which leaves my partner without any medical/psychiatric support for detoxing from aderall. 

At home, my partner has been mostly sitting on the couch, self medicating with alcohol, and watching tv all day. Last night, they became extremely irritable/agitated and started targetting me, getting angry with me for not being supportive enough (i.e. expressing my feeelings of hurt, anger, discomfort and how this situation is affecting our family). I asked my partner to please call the prescriber back (even if they want to continue detoxing off aderall, which i completely support) so that they can have medical/phychiatric support. I told them that I feel really strongly that it is important. But I don't think they will do it. In addition, they aren't going to work which has been a problem on and off for the past few years, so I am worried they will lose their job. And I am absolutely emotionally exhausted, worried about the impact on my kids, and tired of being an emotional punching bag. 

I honestly have no idea what I can do to a) keep my own mental health together so that I can be there for my kids, b) help my partner through this detoxing if that is what is going to happen, and c) move forward if they don't reengage with mental health care. Nothing i do/say, including ultimatums, has any impact. 

A while back on this forum, it was mentioned that sometimes, folks with ADHD can be very fastidious, neat, tidy and organized. I for one...have been the type that has struggled ( life long )  with clutter, disorganization of my living spaces, not cleaning messes, not picking up as I go, not folding clothes and putting then away, dropping things where they land ( all over ) and generally speaking...I've been a mess! I might be what you'd consider a classic ADHD male when it comes to home duties and organization.

More recently, I've found a partner who also has ADHD, which is my first official ( that I know of ) relationship with someone who knows they have it and is medicated. While I can see it in her in many ways, though she's more introvert / inattentive and I'm more hyperactive/ extrovert, the biggest difference between our inherent tendencies is she's immaculately clean and fastidious about the household.  She's exceptionally good at organizing and decorating and keeps a very well kept, clean,  tidy home. To the point, beyond what I see as average. Above average for sure!  Which definitely keeps me on my toes and I've had to learn very quickly to up my game and follow her lead in order to keep things copacetic between us. I'm proud to say, I've really done a good job all things considered.  The best I've ever done in my entire life.

There's only been one person in my life who I can compare to in the neat and tidy department and that was my mom. She was out of control in her cleaning habits at times and I always thought of her as OCD. She also, I'm more than a little sure, had undiagnosed ADHD which is where I got it. I also suspect one of my sisters having ADHD as well but she's more like me by nature.

So having said all of that, I'm now wondering? Is this still ADHD I'm seeing in my partner? Or is it more OCD? Do ADHD people sometimes go completely to the other end of the neat and tidy organized spectrum and it still being ADHD, or is this a comorbid OCD / ADHD combination type diagnosis? This would also help explain my mother which I've always been curious about as well.  I would appreciate any input on thus subject especially for me because it's very relevant to my partner.

J

We stumbled into ADHD just a few weeks ago. Until then it was understood in our marriage that I was a very critical, negative person. None of my friends would recognize this portrait of me at all (I have asked!) but this is what he'd say about me and to me. Until very recently I was really trying to make things work. I'd try to be more generous, kinder, tolerant, not complain about the stuff he didn't do and the work it landed on me. I'd try not to annoy him. I prioritized him and his needs so much. When things were bad, I'd try to devise clear and simple ways of making things better, but he'd not stick to them. I felt lonely, ignored, and that when I brought stuff up it was dismissed as part of what was wrong with me. I felt that I really must be a horrible person. Meanwhile I'd brought up our kids mostly by myself - while he hyper-focused, I now understand, on work (I work too). Things had got pretty bad. I'm not the kind of person to share this kind of thing even with my closest friends - it feels like disloyalty - so I was on my own with it. We tried couples therapy. It was horrendous - I felt like I was a monster, complaining about this charming, twinkly, busy, successful man in the therapist's office. I barely recognized him as the same person who was snarling at me, ignoring me, or hurt and offended over nothing and demanding affirmation from me at home. Then my partner came upon something online, followed it up, and now here we are with him self-diagnosed with ADHD. He is pursuing a proper diagnosis and probably medication. He's quite shaken by the possibility that he might have, as he says, 'something wrong with him', though I don't see it as that - I just see it as an explanation of all the tiny wounds over the years, that I struggled to get over, but he could so readily move on from. Meanwhile something is definitely wrong with me. I have hypertension and it has been getting worse; it's caused by stress. My meds have been upped and upped and I've made all the lifestyle changes and it's still not under control, so I'm now at a high risk of stroke and heart attack. And now he has a condition, and is exploring it, and seeking treatment (including talking therapy with is at least in part about how critical and negative I have been to him) I am expected to continue to manage his symptoms and my reactions to them, because they are 'symptoms'. He doesn't seem that concerned about my physical health, or that I am at genuine risk of serious harm. I don't mean to be melodramatic - that's just true. I thought I came here with questions but now I'm looking back over this and realizing I don't have questions. I just needed to share with people who might understand.