In seeing a lot of frustration throughout the comments....I thought it might be good to hear some thoughts from people on what they can do as the non-add partner,to help allieviate the frustrations we experience with the ADD partner.There is a lot on certain situations or how to help the ADD person,but how about personal coping mechanisms for peace.Not anything about negatives or positives of ADD,but more of a personal approach in handling the emotional part of it.I realize how easy it is to get caught up in changing/helping/mothering/nagging/preaching,etc,etc towards the ADD person.Along with consistently trying to be patient,understanding,helpful,hopeful,positive,etc,etc.In other words..all the emotions.It gets down right exhausting.A roller coaster of emotions.

To get started,here are some suggestions that have helped me.I hope to hear some others.I find when it all gets too much and you feel like your going crazy...you need to take care of yourself first and foremost.You are of no good to your partner if you aren't happy yourself.My ADD partner has helped me to realize this actually.Everytime I would bring up yet another ADD thing...he would come back at me and say..."Your also not happy either and have your own issues!"Ya know what...he was right.That was a hard comment for me to swallow and for a long time,yet something that being in a relationship with an ADD person will do...is mirror your own issues!!Gauranteed! You certainly are forced to push through your own stuff,whether you want to or not.I think because of all the feelings that go with what we go through day in and day out,you can't not face your own personal struggles.Make sense?I think also as women...we can carry some self esteem issues,control issues,co-dependant issues,etc that contribute to the struggles of the relationship.I may be stepping on toes here or causing upset with my own gender,but I am speaking from personal experience on how I have had to take a look at me too and not always blame them.

First off,in all honesty...sometimes all the focus and push to "educate yourself as much as you can about ADD!" Frankly sometimes it can be all out depressing to do that.I have found when I read these ADD books..I get more mad and depressed.Yes I read the positives about it too...but I need to put a time limit on it and not focus or obsess about ADD.I think as the frustrated partner...you tell yourself all the time..."If it weren't for you having ADD,we wouldn't have these problems,so as soon as your fixed..things will be fine."Truth be told..I think we all think that at some point.Sometimes for the sanity of everyone...it just needs a break.I was always suggesting books,counseling,medication,etc. and it just drove him away.Granted I wasn't using the right approach,but my emotions were in the way!

I started by loosing sleep at night.Everynight...getting only three to four hours of sleep because the wheels just kept turning on how to make my relationship better.In case you haven't figured out by reading...yes I would be called very codependant!This I know.So I started by sleeping in a separate bedroom from him.That helped a lot.Also make sure you do things for yourself and by yourself.It is so easy to pick up the phone and complain to friends and loved ones."Guess what my ADD partner did today!?"At the end of the conversation..you really don't feel all that better about it and maybe even feel bad because you ripped all over him to your friends and then are left feeling guilty anyway.They just get tired of hearing about it and tell you to leave him or find someone else.(Depending on how supportive they are...they may not say that and just listen to you vent.)Unless you deal with your frustrations on a very personal level...you never really deal with the emotions.

It helps to talk to a counselour for yourself.If your a spiritual person...go to church or talk with your pastor.I really like exercise!I am a big hiker in the woods.Walks,ride a bike,walk your dog,ride a horse.I find that when you exercise,some of the things that the ADD partner does...suddenly don't bother you as much anymore because your mentally and physically in a better place.Seriously...it has helped me.Massages,take a bath,go to a hot springs,get a hottub,soft music,watch the birds,read a book not on ADD,visit friends but vow not to talk about your ADD spouse,start a new hobby,make some new friends,volunteer.They say that helping others makes your own troubles not look so bad.

Also I think it is safe to say that we always feel that we have to be kind,patient and understanding of our ADD spouse.You know what...it is OK to allow yourself to be angry about it.Just do it properly.That is why a trusted counselour is soo helpful.We always hear and make ourselves feel that we are not being patient enough..."be more patient of him/her..after all they have ADD!"I tell ya what..I am a nanny of twins and when I come home...my patience card is all wore out.I watch kids all day.I don't want to come home and watch another kid.I know you stay at home mothers and people with kids feel the same way.So allow yourself those real feelings to come out..just not at your partner.

I think just getting grounded sometimes helps you to not loose control.Ever feel like something has just got to give?I do and it can be scary.Be kind to yourself,your dealing with a lot!Not everyone can do this job that god has given us.Sometimes I feel pretty proud of myself that I can deal with it as well as I do.I know a lot of my girlfriends would have been gone a long time ago!So take pride in that you do deal with it.

The stress and anger has to have an outlet.That is why I exercise.The relaxation of mind has to be there so I happen to be a big hottub fan.I am a spiritual person,so go to church and also read self help books,etc.You have to eat right and have a good diet.Take vitamins.I am really finding out you have to be "in shape" in mind and body so to speak to deal with what we deal with on a daily basis.Ever feel like it takes a true counselour to be partners to these people?I do.

If nothing else...you will find it easier to deal with the issues that come up.You will be a better partner in soo many ways.Your ADD partner will respect you more and maybe actually start to want to get help and change themselves if they see the focus isn't all on them.Again...coming from experience.

Once your in a better place and your partner likes you again.Something that helped clean the slate for us was to get back to doing something fun together.Our counselour suggested that each of us write on a piece of paper five to ten things that we could do together,that we had NOT done together before.Think outside the box.It was really fun and really helped bring some new hobbies in our relationship.

Sometimes we get so caught up in the daily grind and cycle that it all just needs to come to a screeching halt.Sadly enough sometimes divorces happen when they may not need to.Relationships may end when they don't have to.At least if you know you took care of yourself throughout it all,you will have still left with yourself and your self esteem.Failed relationships are hard enough,but if you do choose to leave knowing you did all you could in a healthy way...it makes ending the relationship a litlle easier.

So have outlets,get your mind off of ADD and remember that it is OK to feel your own feelings too.Those I believe are the things that will help greatly in clearing the road to see the positives of ADD.You have to work through the negatives to see what the positives even are.They are there,you just can't always see them clearly when your upset...and rightly so.

Good luck and may peace be with us ALL!

Hi, this is my second post. My husband has ADHD, we found out a couple of weeks after we married. He was tested but still refuses to accept it. He's not taking meds which makes it very hard to reason with him. My question is how do I act after a big fight? I'm asking because it seems like every approach I tried has failed. Before I knew he had ADHD I didn't understand his behaviour at all. So after yet another fight I gave him the silent treatment. That just made him angrier even if he was the one who did something wrong. I rarely burst into tears and when I do it's not guaranteed that it will melt him down either. Depends on his mood. He basically wants me to take the first step since in his mind i'm always the one that starts the fight (wrong tone of voice, daring to express criticism,...). It can start off by me saying something about him not doing or doing something and he takes it as far as treathening to divorce me or leave me, that he never should've married me, that he's tired of me,....Which takes a simple disagreement to a whole other level where it's not about the thing he forgot anymore but about him insulting me.
But of course since I started to conversation I'm responsible for whatever comes next. Ever since we met all he wanted was to have a baby with me. I hesitated at first cause we had already rushed into living together and marriage. After a year and a half, not planned, I get pregnant. He was estatic when I told him. Crying, laughing, screaming, rolling down on the floor, ...it was crazy to watch but he was happy and that was his way of showing it. First days were heaven. Soon the adhd began to kick in again and he fell back in his old ways. I really thought he would've treated me like a queen at least while carrying the child (first child for him) that he so desperately wanted but no...kept insulting me and screaming at me. Afte the first month i started losing blood, doc said I was at risk of losing the baby.
I told him that but even that didn't stop him. His ex girlfriend had an abortion when she was pregnant with his child and he never forgave her. Matter of fact that's the reason they split up. So I tell him I might lose him if I stress myself too much, he answers "I lost one I can lose two" I was baffled. I couldn't believe that even that didn't stop him. I left the house cause I was terrified to see that even his unborn child didn't have an effect on him. Couple of days later I lost the baby. He cried when he heard the news but I just felt nothing but resentment. I didn't believe his tears but I never let it show. I'm losing track of what the post was about in the first place. It's just that there are so many bad memories, so many painful fights, things he said and done. I know I need to let that go, forgive, but it's hard. I was I could say a magic word that would erase my past with him and start again with a clean and pure heart but that's impossible.
I'm not a stubborn person but I feel I give him too much power by being the first one who asks to talk after a fight. Can someone give me some advice as to what is the best approach?

I must say I'm very thankful to have found this site. We're Italians living in Belgium and here there hasn't been much study done about adult adhd. It was even hard to find a doc that would/could diagnose him.

Anyway...thank you for "listening" I'm looking forward to your advice because this is the only place I can talk about this.

Hi all I am new here so please bare with me, I have been with my husband scince we were 13 and we had our first child at 14, we now have two children age 14 and 7, our 7 year old is deaf and disabled so as you can imagine life has not been easy for either of us. My husband was diagnosed with adult add after his mother recommended he saw the same doctor who diagnoised her, When he was diagnosed about 3 years ago it was, at first a relief to him and me and the medication seemed to help.. We went through some problems and saw a marriage counsellor and did split up for a while but seemed to have sorted things out, whilst we were seperated my husband stopped taking the medication saying that he felt better off it and has just recently  begun taking it again. The problems I am having at the moment have been going on forever but i think Im just getting fed up of dealing with every thing alone I understand his add hinders him slightly but how do i know what is add and what is just him? I think he has become so used to the way he is I dont think he sees a way of changing I dont want to sound like im putting him down because I love him very much but just some friendly advice on what i could do would be of great help.

I suppose the biggest problem  i have at the moment is his complete and total self obsession he thinks only of what he needs or he wants I have to constently remind him to try to think of others, he has just started taking the ritalin again (about 3 weeks ago) and he is on antidepressents, the ritalin does seem to help him focus but again on himself he can spend hours and hours on the internet and as soon as i ask him to do anything becomes very grumpy He is very withdrawn all of the time and seems to have something new wrong with him daily, he is constantly shouting at the kids and his relationship with our eldest is at rock bottom as he feels the need to make comments on everything from the way he eats to the way he dresses he also does this with me he always notices something wrong and is constanly complaing this needs doing or we need to do that, he also seems to have an obsession with smells everything smells so much so that even after i have wahsed and cleaned my teeth i lay uncomfortable in our bed as i know he will mention it this has even led me to sleep on the sofa. We have talked this through a million times with always the same response sorry I know what Im like but the thing is I dont want him to be sorry I just want him to be happy and hes not ever. When he is in the house its like a tension in the atmosphere and the worst thing is he just seems so unhappy and angry all the time I have felt guilty in the past but I know now that its not me I want to help but I dont know how. This has been going on for years but has got worse because i am now working full time and he is not I try to be supportive but its draining to always be the supporter we never laugh and talk and sex is also a no no. we have been or sorry I have been working on this for years and nothing ever seems tyo change is there something i can do or are we just doomed ? thankyou for taking the time to read this I know I have harped on but its just a relief to have someone or sompe people to talk to that may understand thankyou again x Ps he also talks to his mother at least 5 times a day sometimes more

I feel hope now that I've found this Web site but I'm still exhausted.  I have been married to my ADD husband for almost 7 years.  I'm not sure exactly when it started getting worse but five or six months ago all we were doing was fighting.  I was not totally aware of how difficult life is for him and letting my anger take control.  He started avoiding me.  I worked all day and most nights at three jobs while he was unemployed and doing the things he wanted to do (or perhaps felt he needed to do -- things I find odd but that he finds important -- like collecting "valuable" items from dumpsters and then finding a place for said items in a storage trailer) and when I came home he would either already be gone or on his way out the door.

We separated in March for a short time and began getting counselling both together and separate and he is now seeing a psychiatrist so his meds can be properly managed.  This has helped but not 100%.  Finding this site helps me to better understand ADD and especially ADD in a marriage.

I should mention that he has been diagnosed with ADD for several years, before we married.  But it seems to be getting worse.  Is this possible?  Or is it me having less tolerance?  I feel like I'm the parent -- I've seen others make this same comment so I know I'm not crazy.  I've raised my three kids.  I want a husband!  Not another kid!  He realizes this, he's the one who actually said this is why I'm so angry, so it's not like he's oblivious to this problem. 

I can't talk to my/our friends any more about my difficult marriage because they want to know why I stay with him in the first place.  It's good to know there are other women in similar situations, even though I wish no one had to live like this! 

Is there a chat room online that any one knows of?  Sometimes I want a person to talk to RIGHT NOW or I feel like I'm going crazy.  Our friends do listen if I'm having a particulary bad day but many don't understand why I stay with him.

I stay with him because I love him and want to be with him.  I didn't marry him for the good times, ya know?  And after reading much of the posts on this site I believe we can work it out -- I understand better that there are things I need to do differently.  I was already picking up on that through the counselling.  This just reinforces the counsellor's advice and adds to it.

Some of the things he does:  sleeps ALOT -- it blows my mind!  Hasn't worked in over a year.  Collects things other people have thrown away and stores it, then spends hours (usually at night) "processing" this stuff.  He says it's worth money but he won't part with it.  Puts off important things: calling the psychiatrist, going to the dentist, paying bills.  He gets over-bearing in social situations -- wants to be the center of attention -- a lot of this is covered on this site and I will try some of the suggested techniques.  Wanders off without telling me he's leaving or if he gets mad at me he'll go away sometimes for up to 24 hours.  Has very little concept of time.  Gets really angry over small things and denies this -- says he's just joking around.  I get scared when he does this.

All of this is familiar to all of you, I'm sure from reading so much of the same here today. 

Here's my part in the marriage:  I returned to school and got my BA and MA during our marriage while working part time for most of my years as a student.  (He worked some, too.)  I now have 3 jobs to support us.  One job is the basic 9-5 with good insurance, the second is teaching at night which requires lots of planning and research and writing, the third freelance research, it's sporadic -- usually done on lunch hours and other squeeze in times.  So I'm tired at the end of the day.  I should say that I LOVE my jobs so at least I don't have the stress of a bad work environment. I'm also a neat freak.  I like my house to be clean, very clean.  Especially the bathroom and kitchen.  I like things to be where they belong so I don't have to waste time looking for whatever it is I want (Husband likes to re-arrange things, like where the scissors and saran wrap and pens are).  I don't like to be alone.  After work when I have time I like to go out, I like to be with my husband and our friends.  He's often asleep but when I go to bed he'll go out and do things -- go to a bar or just drive around, even with the price of fuel!

Things we've tried: lists used to work very well; he won't do them any more.  I ask him to do one or two things each day to help me (take something out for dinner, do laundry) or remind him of one or two things HE said he wanted to do.  How many times have I come home to find him laying in bed and he admits he's been there all day?  I couldn't tell you.  And of course the counselling and new psychiatrist and new meds. 

My husband accuses me of criticizing and persecuting him.  Perhaps this is what it seems like to him.  To me, it seems like he is torturing me.  Because he has ADD he can sleep when he wants, have no responsibility, spend the money I earn and want so desparately to save, and get angry (he denies this) at me for being fed up.

I want a better life.

I know he loves me.  He is fun, brilliant, creative, sexy, kind, helpful to others to a fault, insightful.  He does help me in a lot of ways and he was so supportive of me when I was in school.  He compliments me and is, as far as I know, faithful.  He's a huge flirt (did I mention he is sexy?) and his flirtations with other women are usually in front of me, not disrespectful, and flattering.  Our sex life is good, not what it used to be, but I'm not complaining.

I am trying to just have a life when he sleeps or is depressed or doesn't want to do things.  I spend time with my friends and try not to say anything to them about how miserable I am.

If I had to quantify our relationship I'd say I'm about 75% leaning toward divorce.  I want a better life for both of us.  I want some peace and happiness for myself.  I want help financially and emotionally.

Thanks for listening and any advice.  The anger and frustration suck, to put it bluntly.  It's wearing me out.  Oh, and thanks for the hope.