So this is my second post. I have briefly stated my adhd in my previous post(new and just learning). This forum seems to be where all the topics are but i am still reading all the stuff on this site. I am going to elaborate on my ADHD issues that have been discovered. I did state some of them a bit before but i thought of some more after that and as per typical ADHD fashion, they come and go at random, although now it is a bit more controlled thanks to my med. I have been married for almost 8 yrs and there was ( or so i thought) not a problem at all. Apparently my undiagnosed adhd was just compounding or chipping away at my wife. I believe my hyper focusing was on her. I have always been needing reassurance or recognition if you will for things that I have done. This i believe, i talking to my adhd therapist and my wife stems from my childhood and my upbringing. Not that it was a bad thing but my parents were always doing things for me and making decisions for me. I had a very good childhood and no trauma associated with it. Now however it seems that over the years it has become a problem. I am usually asking my wife for direction on things when i should just make a decision even if it the wrong one. This issue i think is not too bad. The one thing that I have beaten to a a pulp is the fact that i "hover" over my wife. This is were i think that she is my point of hyper focus. I have learned that i have placed all my happiness on my wife... i.e if i am having a bad day and then see/talk to her, it is all erased. She is my biggest source of happiness. This is a big burden to place on someone, as i am understanding. I love her to death but apparently i have taken it too far. I guess you can have too much of one thing. It is situation overload apparently. All this coupled with the fact that i have never finished a project that i started although i have 3 pieces of trim to paint in the bathroom and it will be done, a COMPLETE remodel, so that is good. I just recently right prior to my diagnosis picked up Driven to distraction and I realized that it fits me, like it is describing my life, if that makes sense. Everyone says that i am a nice guy, so sweet blah blah blah ( all good stuff) to her. Sometimes she is like yea you don't have to live with him or people will say how to you live with him. Apparently it is something that has been just pushed aside and now it is to a head, causing me to find out about the ADHD, which has always been a comment to me as a running joke. Well now it is diagnosed and it really isn't a joke when it affects you and your family. This is were it is frustrating because it is a change from what i have been used to and "normal/Ok" life but in reality it needed fixing. This relates in that the therapist states he hears the opposite from woman that they wish their husband, S.O. or whoever would pay attention to them. Apparently i had the opposite, maybe it relates to my ADHD and it may not have been so bad if it weren't for all the other things associated with it. There has definitely been improvements according to my wife but, my thing is want it fixed and i want it fixed now so I can continue with life and not stress about if it will work. I need definite time frame, 2 days, 1 week, 2 months and i am having to deal/under stand that it does not work like that, there is now answer, as she says with out it will not work between us, but if taking the meds and doing therapy and fixing the way my mind thinks everything should fall into place. That is the worst part having patience to do this, but i have them for this because i want it to work between the 2 of us and the 3 kids also, if i forgot to mention. She is my wife yet I can not enjoy this fully. It is almost like we are starting over so as to reset and start new so it is not a continuation of the "overload" from 8 yrs. I fit 30 yrs of marriage into 8yrs, if that makes sense. Also during the time when this was getting difficult approx 9 months ago, she had started working full time and i saw less of her, so that compounded it more the little time that I had i tried to make up for the time we didn't and this just compounded it even more. More symptoms of ADHD that I can't think of.... Fast forward to now i am trying to make up for "lost time" but it is the opposite of what to. Leave it be and let it work itself out to be right again. I believe that is it for now, I am sure I had other thoughts that came and went. I like this site and look forward the hear peoples feedback if they can relate to any of this. I am sure that I have confused or bored ( : ) ) some people, I apologize for that but that is it in a semi nutshell.... P.S. I am college educated and also work a a full time job and a part time job.. both of which also bring my great joy. I sincerely love my job and do not think of it as such. It also could be noted that the ADHD puts me and my job pretty well, it does not negatively affect it very much, it is a perfect fit.

Greetings, I have been dating a 45 year old, never married (was engaged) man that is a really great guy. We were together about 2 months. We have known each other for 8 or so months before dating. We live about an hour away from each other. I suspected he had ADD and was going to talk to him about it but our communitcations abruptly became almost completely stopped. He has some medication at my house and I found that he take Staterra which I understand is for ADD. We had been talking several times a day, together from Fri nite to Mon morn having one minor misunderstanding (I know it was because I was not clear in my communication) which we quickly resolved. He then got really busy with work (he is a landscaper- self employed) and when I asked if we were going to get together he said he had too much work and I distract him too much. He has had some financial trouble and is focusing on getting back on his feet. I know he has been busy with work, he says he will call but then does not. He has had some equipment trouble and large jobs with deadlines. Also included in the financial stress is IRS leins as a result of his ex fiance taking money and not doing her job. I know men have a hard time multitasking & they want to be the provider. I have also read that ADD can cause a lot of self esteem issues and so on. I have not talked to him for almost two weeks. Every 5 or so days he calls and leaves a long message on my voice mail explaining his current job and being busy, thanking me for my support and love and talk to you soon. No indication that there are troubles brewing. I am at a loss- I have not had the oppurtunity to talk to him and find out what is going on. I think he may assume I am going to "jump down his throat" which I am not- only want to know where we stand and why the sudden, abrupt change. He drinks a few beers everyday and I believe it is his respite along with the XBOX. My questions are: Is this behavior typical of a very busy, stressed man with ADD? How do I let him know that I know he has ADD and I want to help him, not change him and support him? What approach should I use to reach out and try to get our relationship back to where it was- assuming he is not wanting to break up which I really do not think is the case. if and when we get the relationship back how do I let him know that this has been very painful for me and not something I can or will be able to tolerate in the future. I know that men need to go to their caves but for weeks at a time? Thanks

My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years and are both medical students. I was diagnosed with ADD (mostly inattentive plus major depression and general anxiety disorder) in Nov of '06 after failing most of my med school classes. The last year and a half have been a struggle for me in terms of giving myself a crash course in adult ADD and using therapy and medication to start the process of acceptance, as well as dealing with the humiliation that comes along with having any kind of learning issues in medical school, let alone just walking around with ADD. While I was progressing through the issues, trying to get back to some semblance of 'normal' for me, so that I could be a fully functioning partner in our relationship, my husband's anger and resentment has been festering (unbeknownst to me). I think the anti-depressants/anxiety meds were dampening my relationship 'radar', to some extent. When I recently decided to come off of them, I feel like I've woken up to my worst nightmare. I feel more alive and passionate about my husband than I have in a long time but he hasn't known what to do about his side of the process so he's still stuck in all the resentment and anger. Unfortunately, med school is not the time or place that you want to be working on major relationship issues (hence, the reason so many medical students get divorced) so we are struggling to dig our way out of this mess. I am beginning to feel resentful, myself, because I have worked my butt off for the last year and a half to pull myself out of the hole I was in but he's just been sitting on all of his emotions, not knowing what to do. I do have to acknowledge that he came into the marriage with very few relationship building skills and, although he has shown some major growth in that area, reaching out to me or taking the initiative to stimulate some growth in our marriage is still difficult for him. So, now I'm ready to start moving on but am facing the fallout of years of pent up anger and judgment. I think we need to see a marriage therapist (he and I are already seeing therapists individually) to help guide us through this, although the logistics of doing that are going to be tricky. I just feel like we're stuck. I don't feel I can allow myself to trust him emotionally, if he is going to judge me everytime I make another mistake. And he just doesn't know how to work through his anger....so we're at a sort of stand-off. To be fair, I am definitely super sensitive to any sort of criticism regarding my efforts to do what I said I would do or to any mistakes I make repeatedly. If I knew how to not repeat them over and over again, I wouldn't be writing to you all. I know I've neglected him throughout this whole med school catastrophe (been going on about 3 years now). With the threat of flunking out of med school hanging over my head everyday, I just wasn't capable of anything more than surviving day-to-day. I feel terrible about it but know there was no way for me to do it any differently. And he is making some effort to work through his issues. The problem for me is that a lot of this work goes on in his head. I don't know if he's thinking about stuff or when, and he doesn't come to me to get more information about my experiences or to share any realizations he might have come to. I know this is ending up being all about what he's doing wrong. This wasn't my intention. I just don't know what to do from my side. Our relationship has crossed some lines recently, that we were careful not to cross in the past, so now I am really beginning to get worried about this resentment getting out of hand (on both our parts). I really don't feel comfortable just letting him be and waiting for him to figure his stuff out. But I also want to make sure that I am pulling my weight and taking responsibility for my own issues. How do we break out of this holding pattern?