This is my first post ever on any site dealing with ADHD and I am hoping I can find the answers I am looking for. I am sure like many others I have a complex background that has brought problems into my current marriage. I have been married for almost 4 wonderful years to my wife Amanda who I found is my one true love. She was that one person you met and immediately changed your entire picture of what was and really felt like. I was diagnosed late in my teenage life with ADHD after it had cause a lot of problems in school and relationships. I was on medication and trying to control things that had previously caused me great discomfort. I was told that college wasn't probably a good idea because it would be so hard for me to get good enough grades. I was a bad test taker and it was really hard to sit through lectures. I wanted to prove people wrong and I did, I graduated and went to work right out of school for a very large company. The part of college I didn't tell you was I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a couple of years and still managed to get through things. I got help after the relationship ended but never went long enough. I went from relationship to relationship and never felt what I thought it needed to continue. Then I met Amanda who showed me a new outlook on life, she was a wonderful woman who I finally felt comfortable with. We got married in May of 2004 and its still the happiest day of my life; I can smile every time I think about it. We had a wonderful first few years of marriage but I think my ADHD that I had left behind with college was still present and doing small amounts of damage without really knowing it. I had figured I had outgrown the problem and I could get along fine on my own. Our first daughter was born on 5/5/05 and things were wonderful. In January 2007 we were getting close to our second child together and I remember the day like it was yesterday. January 3rd when we were going to bed I did what I did a lot, I was feeling her belly and feeling the baby kick and move, it was a wonderful feeling and I loved doing that before we went to bed, I remember the baby having hiccups and we were laughing about it. The next morning same usual moments I felt and nothing out of the ordinary. She already had her OB appointment planned for that morning so i was excited to hear all about everything. She called me and told me that she was at the doctors and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I immediately ran out of work and over to be with her, I was a total wreck. We learned that the baby hadn't made it and they didn't know why yet. We would have to go to the hospital and deliver the baby as normal and that happened on January 5. That was the hardest day of my life and Amanda's. I was as strong as i could be for her and my family as she needed every ounce of support. We learned later from reports that there was nothing conclusive that caused the death, the placenta was more calcified than it should of been and there was some news that Amanda could have issues if we had another baby. This was all coming at us so fast, I am still wondering how with everything going on in my head I help it all together. To make things worse we had to make a decision of not having any more kids for Amanda's safety, I didn't want to lose my wife. Now during this time I was working a lot more and doing anything I could to take my mind off of things. i was talking to others and trying to understand why things happened the way they did. I had a friend that I had dated before I met Amanda and she was there to comfort me and we were still friends and nothing more. I remember spending a lot of nights awake trying to understand why all this happened to my family, Amanda, and me. I know I wasn't thinking clearly and Amanda asked if I needed help but I just said I would be fine. Well I wasn't fine and I ended up one day doing something that wasn't anything I ever said I would do once I was married. I had an inappropriate relationship with this past person. I don't know why I let it happen and i knew it was wrong but none of that came to me until after it had happened. I was so mad at myself and struggling with all the pain and mixed emotions. I did what I had learned to do before when you are emotionally abused, hide it deep inside and don't even think about remembering it. I went on as if nothing had happened and it was fine until a few weeks ago when Amanda found out about things and confronted me about them. To me nothing happened and I just denied everything, I really wanted to tell he everything because I knew I needed help and we would probably work through things at that point, but no, I lied like I have done in the past. She moved out the next day and is currently staying with family while we try and sort things out. I was in such denial that I needed help with my ADHD and how destructive it can be. I went over there last night and sat down with her parents and admitted what I had done with another person and how I didn't mean for it to happen and I tried to tell them about my ADHD and I am currently going to a psychiatrist to get all the help I need. I am going to make sure that I get everything sorted out and every ounce of help that I need. The bad part is that her parents and her see it as an excuse to explain what happened. I never went looking for this to happen with another woman and its not something I wanted to do but how do I say that to her. Maybe I am nuts and there is no hope for me but I am hoping by telling my story there is someone else out there that know what its like not to be able to control your decisions no matter how wrong they are. I also know that with lots of help and dedication that I can over come this and work with my wife to get things straightened out. I want to earn every ounce of her trust back. I broke a promise to her when we got married and I am so upset at myself for doing that. If anyone can help me out with this I would really appreciate it. Amanda is my one true love and I have known it all along but so many things got in the way and I hate blaming it on ADHD but looking back at the signs, they were all there. I love her and I am going to do what ever I need to do to show her I can beat ADHD and make sure it never controls me again. She deserves a loving, caring husband and father. Thanks for anyone’s help!
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- Hoping I am not alone by: EMUGrad1999 15 years 12 months ago
- Trying to Save Marriage by: mgilly30 15 years 12 months ago My wife and I have been seperated since January. I have ADHD, and it has affected every aspect of our marriage, procrastination, anger, listening,communication, depression, and no stability. We first seperated, and it was going to be a 6 month seperation, and I was ok with that. I needed to continue to improve on myself and she needed to heal with all the things I let her down with. She was in no hurry to get a divorce, and then the first of Feb she all of a sudden said she wanted a divorce. I have learned since then that she has been seeing another man. She has not filed for divorce yet, but I can't get her to go to counseling. She has a lot of anger, and she said she can't forgive me. We have a daughter together that is 3 yrs old, and she has 2 girls in a previous marriage. I understand my wife and why she feels the way she does. I also know that her heart is so hard right now, and I hope and pray it will soften. She has a lot of people telling her that she should divorce me. This is a very difficult situation because I know my wife doesn't understand what I go through everyday and the challenges ADHD has on my daily life. She has never accepted my ADHD, and I never did until about 2 months ago. I thought that I would be fine, but the struggles comtinued. I will never make excuses for my ADHD, but I know that our marriage can be saved with a lot of work. I have been improving with acceptance of ADHD, couensiling, coaching, and God. I don't know that she see's improrovements, because she never says anything. The relationship she has is affecting her going to couensiling, and it has been the big reason why she wants a divorce. I need help and I am open for suggestions. I love my wife more than anything, and I love the girls. I have forgiven myself and her for my past failures. I just pray that her heart will soften and she will be open to couensiling. Thank You
- how to bounce 20 balls in the air and survive by: treefrogs 16 years 2 days ago well 2nd time blogger- if thats the term, women adhd? Hummm to me is a gift (on a good day)! Have teen (19) also female with adhd diagnosed after me hahaha. I would like to know if the rest of female group suffer from on and off depression? I r a very high achiever and always have 20 balls in the air- but come holidays- agghhh most folk love them but me- well fall in a heap- no structure. Wake up in the morning and hey a full day- duh? what do i do, humm sit around, worry, what should i be doing? What can i worry about, lets think of something............ and so on. Can you imagine- well I am sure that a lot of you can. So to depression- is it ok to do a few months on SSRI's, is like rounding self up and pointing self in the right direction? 20 balls in the air- is very difficult for others to come to terms with. Like for us with ADHD- ' sit down relax, chill out and take the weight off" like in this lifetime or the next?? Righto- is it just me that feels like this? Cheers Tree Frogs
- Marriage and monogamy by: treefrogs 16 years 2 days ago Hi- first time blog- female, 2 year diagnosis with ADHD, adult kids, 30 year marriage, full time job, study masters deg and the rest. I wonder if other ADHD gifted people have the same problem with monogamy? Not promiscuity- thats well documented, but to be discontented and finding others? Short question.
- all-add couple, distraction, emotional protection by: addreamer 16 years 5 days ago Add came into my life last week. I am from europe, currently studying in the US. After my procrastinating became worse, I was diagnosed with Add. With adderall, my concentration became a bit better. Until Friday. My wife, a continent away, had one of her usual depression/Panic attack combos until sunday. The cause was her chaotic way of thinking in her Job. She nearly got fired, again. After reading about add, I think she might have it as well, but a different brand. She has zero self esteem, is chaotic, submissive to the point of self loathing. She is taking med against hypothyreodism since 2 years, but nothing has changed. Also, she has a different Job (teaching), while I am in academia. Several problems affect us. I have developed a lot of coping strategies since childhood, so that I actually seem to be very structured and boring, since I try to keep things stable. Since my wife is working, there is a major emotional crisis with here once a week. Even if I manage to work well, I am immensely distracted by her negative self-talk. Even her sad quiet face disturbs me then and especially knowing she sits in her room crying over a mistake or the past. I end up giving advice, rebuilding confidence, and after she is happily back on track I feel exhausted, I dream of being with a normal healthy woman, who is not like a child. This has become worse over the years. My work is clearly suffering from it and everything I have achieved so far is going to pieces. She fears that too. Sometimes she would urge me to divorce her, to save myself. sometimes I dream about having an affair or using an escort, to get rid of this feeling of being chained by obligation. I feel so sad. We have tried so much to get her organized. I applied for a visiting fellow year abroad to think about it. I miss her most of the time. After we telephone, I often don't. After reading the blog post I think about children: I would not have them with her. I am going back in one month and I do not know where. Probably you cannot help me with this. But how can I learn to keep a calm head when my partner is mad at times? Doing research, I try to make a living with my head. How to keep it free from relationship-induced distraction?
- THE WRATH of ADD: Cusdody, Divorce and Anger How Do I cope with ADD Husband now?! How Can I NOT hate him? by: up2lisa 16 years 5 days ago I so very glad that I came across this blog. It speaks much to what I have endured for what in 2 weeks will be 12 years of a dysfunctional marriage. Married to “The Nice Guy.” My husband hads all the symptoms, in the beginning we just called it blabber mouth, forgetful, little to no intimacy and daydreaming. Until over the course of our marriage as I grew, he stayed behind…increasingly more forgetful, reclusive and out of touch. This past June (wow, a year soon) I was at my wits end. A few years back I had an affair years prior to escape, send a wake up call… one that he never heard. I could not put my family through that mess again. With two children I begged him to seek help… and he did. But, I had to be 2 steps out the door, when he broke down and sought help. One session put a nail on what I couldn’t identify in 11 years. About a month later the husband started taking Statera and weeks after his world… OUR world started to turn around. The diagnosis was a ray of light and the medication was a miracle. I was the happiest I had ever been in our marriage. I could see a bright future for our two kids. But, having already put 2 steps out; I was too afraid to step back into the dysfunction. I found myself monitoring his medication, afraid he wouldn’t take it. Afraid he wouldn’t read the books, engage in counseling. It was like I was living with a recovering drug addict, waiting … wondering WHAT IT he relapsed. I enabled his behaviors, I victimized myself by doing so. The wounds over eleven years had worn on my emotional and physical health. My daughter who is 10 began picking up the slack of trying to control and understand Daddy. Our 5 year old ADHD son began the negative self talk. If my kids were sounding like me… coaching Daddy, they were acting like Daddy. I yearned deeply for every facet of what I believed a marriage would be, should be, could be… I just couldn’t wait for my husband to be that man and father. Anxiety, depression…read, counseling… been there done that; but not my husband. While on his medication my children and I moved out 7 months ago. It was an amicable separation, we were beautiful friends. I loved him deeply in those initial months and I regained my own health and sense of security. He and I were friends, he went back to school, picked up a new job and we communicated regularly and respectfully. We agreed that he would “focus” on himself and I would seek my own needs. I thought he understood… he said he did. ANOTHER ADD attribute.. the “shake he head and agree” syndrome, when they don’t really understand or comprehend what is going on. THEN I told him I wanted to date someone else, his medication ran out (no health insurance) and all hell broke lose. 3 months later, he is cured of his ADD, he has filed for divorce, wants full custody, sole use of our marital home and is a devout Christian. Now I am 5k down in legal fees, our business is nearly ruined, I am fighting for custody and my husband won’t communicate with me at all. He is now classically the worse side of ADD and he is hurting us all, under the pretense of “being in control.” I have no family resources to talk ration into him. Because he to them is still a “nice guy, good Christian and father… and just being like he always has been.” He has sold me out as being “Godless and immoral.” What was our home is a mess, our joint finances are a mess and the kids are a mess. Everyday I am putting out legal fires and allegations. Just like before, I was the one who held it all together… now I am not there, it is all burning down. There is no logic or ration to anything that he does. He has COMPLETELY shut down. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I DON’T WANT A DIVORCE! What I want is my husband to focus on himself, get himself together, take the medication and look at our relationship from a distance…another perspective. If it worked out…it would, I just could not take the risk that it would be the SAME SAME for another 11 years. I had migraines, high blood pressure and became depressed. I was lonely, tired and constantly feeling defeated. TRYING, CRYING and pleading with my husband to do his share, get some help and comfort me… SOMETIMES. We have a court order for our kids, but he violates it. I see clearly what he does…he forgets, pushes aside and sticks his head in the sand and WE ALL suffer the consequences. I don’t want to present him legally as a bad Father, but the reality of it. . . he is. He is more of a buddy to them. I wish desperately on late night like this, I had some emotion to fall back on. All I fall back on is how much time we have spent together and all the warning signs from the day I met him. I didn’t know. Now, look where I am. I feel like a fool. I’ve grown, become educated and matured and he is still where I found him. This will be his 2nd divorce and still “doing cartwheels in his head.” But never taking the steps in reality to move forward. I “get it” in regards to not controlling him; clearly I can’t. I know in my heart, I was best advocate and ally, now he is a babbling radical, squanders our money to pay a lawyer to tell him protect him…while he destroys himself and our family. Even now 700 miles apart, he still is dragging my heart and life down. I don't regret leaving. He drug me down day after day when I was there. How do I get him to stop! I’ve tried mediation…he walked out. I’ve tried his family…they believe he is a “great guy, done wrong.” We’ve gone to court…we mediated for foolishness, that a normal couple could have talked out. I’ve tried giving him books, facts and mapping out the consequences. Still he INSISTS “I am not listening to you lisa!” Meanwhile, he can’t hear everything is crumbling around him and us all, daily. All I need him to do is THINK RATIONALLY! LONG TERM AND REMAIN FOCUSED! ALL I NEED FOR HIM TO DO IS NOT HAVE ADD! REALLY! I love my husband dearly, but not as a wife should. I enjoyed him as my friend and I miss that dearly. I miss the fun parent that he was. But, nothing more. I want a life a functional and balanced life...with or without him. How can I get him to stop, without tearing him or me down completely. I am now in the process of filing an emergency petition to get full and primary custody of our children; because of his MULTIPLE voiloations of the order. I didn’t want to go this far, I never would have… he just doesn’t understand he is leaving me with no choice and himself fully exposed for me to do so. I can not help him hurt me or the children! I am so bitter, so depleated and so hurt. So, very hurt and I know it is not his fault, and it isn't those who protect his lies...they don't understand... my life is on a blog! My husband, my marriage and my children are no different than the hundreds of posts on this blog... all here OUT in the open. What can I do? its' all up 2 me. Lisa
- Wife Mom Teacher Person Sinking S.O.S. by: doodlebug74 16 years 1 week ago Oh, how ADHD seems to soak through all areas of my life. I need help as I have hit rock bottom (or close to it). Summing it up: 2 1/2 years ago I had cervical cancer(radical hysterectomy/radiation) which started sudden surgical menopause at age 31. I was later diagnosed with combo type ADHD chatty Kathy type after 3 years of being treated for depression/anxiety I teach 1st grade and have done so for 8 1/2 years. I have a huge heart for the ADHD child or kids who need that personal touch/love from their teachers. I pride myself on being "real to kids"--- I have a 6 year old MINI ME who is ADHD combo type on Vyvance PLUS a low dose Respidall (spell?) for separation anxiety, poss. ODD, negative attitude, difficult personality. Anyhow--the surgical menopause has basically taken me to a state of constant anxiety, depression, like I am swimming to stay afloat. I can't separate my work/motherhood/wifehood -----it all goes together to constant stress and pressure. I feel like all the people in my life (micromanging work, critical type A hubby, perfectionist people) only find my faults.....and they don't help bring me up. I am so starved to feel I am good enough------yet I have been sinking all year. My husband (God Bless him) has been through it with my cancer and ADHD----but at times I have felt he is mentally,verbally, emotionally abusive to me.......well the counselor has eluded to it. Our kindergartner has had a rough year of not wanting to go to school and other health issues that have made me even later for work than I usually am. So, I have taken a leave of absense for depresion/anxiety--- Does hormonal issues effect ADHD ? I feel like I have lost my mind.....I take compouded hormones, Adderall, Effexor, Cymbalta,---- Do some people literally have to stop working full time due to all of the stress ADHD puts on families? And what modifications can I ask for from my boss for the ADHD ? I have gone from SUPER TEACHER to SUPER MESSY STRESSED OUT UNABLE TO GET TO WORK ON TIME......:( And I have absolutely NO interest in SEX even before the cancer--it is so hard to initiate it......when the meds wear off I am ready for sleep. Any advice would be so wonderful. I hear Dr. Hallowell in my mind saying "The most important things are WHO you marry and WHERE you work." Maybe I have chosen wrong in both areas. I feel like such a disappointment to my husband, kids, and employer......I try so very hard....and between hormone appointments, ADHD appointments for my daughter/myself, counseling (marrital, individual, and child)---I am lost as to what to do next. I have almost felt like everyone would be better off if I were gone....I would never do that, but I feel like such a failure....
- MARIAGE by: adebuk99 16 years 2 weeks ago Keeping Marriage Happy Marriages are taken for granted. After the honeymoon period is over, couples co-exist. Most of the time without any charm in their married life. Everything becomes a routine- eating, sleeping, everything becomes highly predictable and dull. If kids arrive in the life of a married couple, which they invariably do, the attention shifts more to upbringing of the children. What happened to the early romance? Why does a marriage kill a perfect romance? Why do people break-up and divorce each other so soon after the marriage? What happens in the period of their married life that brings it to either a dull existence or an end? The very first change that can be noticed is care. Yes, before marriage, a partner is more worried about how to take care of the other partner. After marriage, it is the other way round. Why are you not paying any attention to my needs? Why do you not care for me? Why are you acting so selfishly? Why is your work more important than me? Why can you not wash the dishes alone? Yes, I agree that you need a holiday badly, but where is the money? Accusations of different types fly around and make a hell of what was heavenly togetherness earlier. Keeping one's married life happy is very essential. Complaining about the partner will not help, but understanding each other's needs and trying to fulfill them will. Partners need to go back in life and look for that spark that kindled the love in the first place. What did you admire in your partner before marriage? Do you still admire that or not? What did you like before, that you hate now? Reflect. Go back and think. Bring that charm back. Complimenting each other for the smallest act, expressing happiness of living together, letting the partner know how much you value her/him and so many small things that make the other partner happy must be done daily. Why ignore your husband or wife and feel envious about other couples. Why not create a happy life that others envy? Why not make the other partner feel needed and good at all the times. Why not forgive even a big blunder? Why not put yourself in your partner's shoes and think about the life he/she is living. Why not bring the romance back by going for candle-light dinners, or watching the sunset together? Let the sun set, but keep your marriage happy. Have you ever thought of sending ecards or e-greetings to each other everyday? They cost nothing most of the times, but for a minute. But imagine the joy of the recipient. Why not make your partner happy with such ecards daily? Give it a thought. A happy marriage is the foundation of a happy family. only with happy marriage, can we hope for happy children and a happy world.
- ADHD+School+Work+Marriage=Frustration by: rgsqdrn 16 years 2 weeks ago My wife and I have been married for 2 years. Last year, I was diagnosed with ADHD and am now being treated with Adderall. At first I felt dramatically better, more focuses and able to do the things I needed to do. This new found ability to focus led me to do something I had wanted to do since I had graduated high school: Get a degree. I am now a month into school, which I am doing online. I have to work full time and then I return home to go to school full time. I find myself so focused on completing all my work that I neglect my wife. This has led me to feel very guilty and angry with myself. My problem is, in order to provide for my wife and future family, I need the degree so I can't quit or cut down on school. But this anger and inpatients with myself has led to me throwing temper tantrums, and nit picking small things my wife does that frustrate me. I am blessed with a very wonderful and patient wife, but my own guilt at not being able to give her the emotinal attention she deserves and my constantly raging anger have led me to think it is in her best interest if she were married to someone else. I know that the facts don't point that way, but I can't seem to find anything that will either rectify the situation (i.e. keeping myself calm) or to make me realize that my wife is willing to be patient while I get my degree so that we can live comfortably later. If anyone has any advice or experience with similar situations I would be ever grateful.
- connecting over the hard stuff (only) by: rosalee 16 years 2 weeks ago My husband and I have been marred for almost two years. He once mentioned when we were dating that he thought he probably had ADHD, and from what I have read and experienced while we've been married, I can understand why he thinks this! There are lots of challenges we face in money management, frustration levels, household chores, but these all seem to be improving to "good enough" when we work through them. One area, though, is not improving. Almost immediately after we married, I began to feel lonely because he seemed so far away whenever we would talk or catch up on our day. It's much easier to ask him questions and listen to him than to try to get him to show real interest in me or my thoughts. Sometimes I wonder how many weeks we can go without him noticing that he knows nothing about me or my life! However, he is very sensitive, and if he notices that I am sad or blue, he immediately pays lots of attention to me. His ability to engage in a conversation where I'm sharing goes from nil to 110% -- better even than my female friends! I feel like I'm getting more high maintenance as the months pass because when I'm sad or seem perturbed, my husband is able to listen better and focus. If I'm just interested in carrying on a normal conversation -- he seems utterly bored and distracted. Please help me! I am a naturally sunny person and do not like to see the way I am changing. I also feel like I take advantage of my husband when I cultivate the negative in order to feel connected to him and important to him. P.S. -- when we've talked about this, we both see the same pattern, but don't know what to do. Trying harder doesn't seem to work . . .