I'm new to all of this so please bear with me. I'm in my late 20s and my wife and I have been married for about two years. let me start off by saying I love my wife with all my heart. Over the past year or so I have been struggling with my actions. I can't seem to control myself as if I run on a motor and it drives me to this tired state where I can fall asleep at varying times and for varying lengths of time. When this happens I pretty much go on autopilot, my motor skills barely work but I'm awake and I rarely remember anything. Occasionally I start fights and can be kind of mean. Needless to say this has caused problems with my marriage and now divorce is a very strong possibility.
I started out about six months ago taking zoloft for depression, thinking that was the cure. Since then I've done multiple sleep studies to see if I had any sleep disorders. Nothing, but I was put on modafinil to keep me awake. I feel different but these situations keep occuring.
I'm still kind of a motormouth, at times I don't think before I act/speak, I constantly figit, I can't calm down at home, i'm restless, etc. This is not the man my wife married and she has become depressed, frustrated, and resentful. I can't say that I blame her. She has been as understanding as one can be but only to a point.
A few days ago I started looking into this ADHD thing. From what I can remember, I was put on ritalin in highschool for attention issues, was diagnosed with dyslexia at a very young age, and substance abuse and dyslexia run in both sides of my family. I have since seen my doctor and he reffered me to a specialist to go on some different types of meds. I'm praying that this works and my marriage can get back on track. Unfortunatley that may be too late and it upsets me a great deal.
Opinions?
Has this happened to anyone else?
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- How do I fix me? by: looking for a cure 16 years 1 month ago
- Spouses - OCD and ADHD by: kysteel 16 years 2 months ago
My wife and I have three very bright and beautiful children but are at a severe juncture in our marriage. A web search brought me to your sight as I try to understand my unrelenting anger and my spouses daily struggle with structure. From a quick assessment, it looks like my wife has ADHD and I have been pouring fuel on a raging fire. My constant griping and blaming has created such a miserable environment that my wife walks around with knots in her stomach and the children continually apologize as a way to not upset Dad. Our diferences are all over the small things. I think the small things should just go away and she feels that they are small and do not need the scrutany. Some examples are as follows: leaving doors unlocked and lights on, making 4 trips to the grocery store in a week and not remembering to buy milk, sending the kids to school with coats and picking them up without them, washer and dryer being used as a storage device. I would like to add that we play very well together. Our family environment is wonderful when we are having fun. If awareness is the starting point for change, I am there. What advice can you give to me and my wife to move forward individually and collectively? We definitely cannot continue on the path that we are on for much longer.
- Both partners have ADHD by: demingrefugee 16 years 2 months ago I have troubles! My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and medicated as a child. I know many many people who have the disorder, and all of them are married to someone who "balances them out". Which brings me to my problem; I'm pretty sure I have it too. Although I'm very intelligent, I'm extremely forgetful, can't remember to do the simplest tasks that everyone else can manage, I'm a poor listener, I get loud and rambunctious in social settings (to the annoyance of others), I'm scattered, disorganized, messy, wound up, have too much energy and trouble sleeping, I procrastinate, I'm always late, I'm bored easily, I lose things all the time, I forget to pay bills...the list goes on and on. The trouble is twofold: one, what are you to do when you, as someone who can literally forget where they put their keys and not find them for another three days (IN HER PURSE!!)...what are you to do when you're the ORGANIZED element in the relationship? Second, my husband seems to think that since I have never been diagnosed, his difficulties are somehow "worse" than mine and I feel like he uses it as an excuse to put all the work on me. Because, according to him, I'm "better at it" than he is. But the thing is, I'm NOT. It's sooooo hard, it's overwhelming, and I've tried to get across to him that, NO, actually it does NOT come naturally to me. I have to work very hard at it. I have endless lists, calendars, notes, post its, phone alarms, reminder systems and organizational techniques. And I still flake quite often. I need help. His help. And support. But I'm frustrated because when I try to get him to use any of these methods, he seems uninterested or acts like I'm just nagging or trying to control him or tell him what to do. Even if I ask politely or make suggestions, or ask that he do something immediately instead of putting it off and forgetting..(don't worry I don't say that!), he gets defensive. These things help me, and he's so unresponsive to even trying them. I feel like it's because it's easier to just put the responsibility on me even though it's too big a burden for me. He won't even learn how to set a reminder on his phone. If he needs to be reminded about something, he'll ask me to write a note. Why can't HE write it? I don't know, but if I don't write it, he won't write it, and then he won't remember and I'm inconvenienced just because he can't get up and write a note for himself! So I end up writing it for him. It's things like this that are so frustrating. On the one hand, I UNDERSTAND what he's going through to an extent because I have similar difficulties, but I'm really distressed by his lack of willingness to try any coping methods. Sometimes I feel like it IS an excuse for him. How can I get him to participate equally in managing our lives and his ADHD?
- My husband and I can't seem to get organized by: Sueann 16 years 2 months ago
I was messy before I married my husband 3 years ago. His house was messy too but he lived with his mother, and never learned how to do housework. He blames my stuff for all the problems. We just moved 3 months ago, and haven't put anything away yet. Vital things have been lost in the mess. His solution seems to be to get rid of all my stuff. This bothers me, as it feels like he's rejecting me. How does he have the right to say I can never read that book, or weave that yarn, or whatever, just because I don't have time to do it right now. (working full-time and going to school)? He knew had this stuff when he married me, and if it bothered him, he should not have. Meanwhile, he does nothing in the house. I work full-time as I said, and he does too but I go to school as well. He works in retail so he's often here in the house alone, but he won't do anything. He says he doesn't work well alone, but if I do it with him, I'm not doing my homework. Also, he can't multi-task (I thought all ADDers did that). When I finally get home at 9 o'clock at night, I'd like to watch TV, but if I put the TV on, he he has to just stare at it. I watch TV and pick up the living room, or wash dishes (there's a tv in our kitchen), or sort laundry and put it in the washer during the commerical. But he always demands that I just sit there with him and cuddle. He won't do it alone, and he won't do it with me if the tv is on. Do I have to give up watching Lost or CSI just do get him to act like he lives here, instead of being a guest? When I complain that I am doing more than my share, he says "No one is making you do it," but if I don't do it, we would have no clean dishes, and we can't afford to eat out all the time.
- ADHD and Risk Taking by: speechie 16 years 2 months ago My husband and I have been married for 13 years and he was diagnosed last summer with adult ADHD. He said he first noticed his ADHD in second grade. Ever since I have known him he has always taken risks. I never realized how much it would bother me until it became a financial burden to our family. I dealt with it much better before we had kids, but now it is getting out of control. He has always wanted to have his own business. I can't even tell you how many different business ventures he has tried. He claimed bankruptcy the second year we were married for a business that failed. Here we are several failed businesses later and he still wants to take out loans to start up new businesses. I say businesses because it is never just one at a time. He currently has 3 or 4 ideas for businesses he wants to pursue. Last spring he took out a line of credit without even talking to me. The only reason I know this is because he left a receipt for an auction item that he purchased using this line of credit. When I confronted him he told me he took out a loan to buy things to fix up and resell. He has now spent $6,000 on businesses he wants to pursue with no returns. This is extremely frustrating to me since I am the one paying all the bills. The thing that is even more frustrating is that he took out the loan behind my back. He tells me not to worry about it and it has nothing to do with me since it's in his name. I am constantly telling him that everything he does not only affects him, but also our family. He plans on starting one of the businesses this summer while I am home with the kids. He told me he doesn't even expect to break even, but he will be able to pay part of the loan back. When I tell him that I am not comfortable with him taking loans, he goes ahead and does it anyway. He says that I am "risk adverse" and he is not going to change. The only reason he has been able to take these risks is because I have had the steady job. I am becoming extremely resentful for always having to be the responsible one. He has never even acknowledged or thanked me for the opportunities he's been given to pursue all these ventures while I'm the one paying the bills.
- ADHD in older people by: raspberry 16 years 2 months ago What is the prognosis for untreated ADHD for older men? My husband is in his mid-fifties, was diagnosed with rather severe ADHD about 15 years ago, and has refused treatment. At first he did try to understand some things about his ADHD and made efforts to learn to be more focused, which he thinks is about all he needed to do. We are approaching our older years and he seems to be getting worse in many ways: more forgetful, irritable, angry/short-tempered, unwilling to listen or participate in the marriage, I could go on. He only will do anything if he “feels like it” which of course nobody ever feels like taking out the garbage or feeding the dogs. I am reluctant to have the grandchildren around him because he might yell at them for no reason, just because he is frustrated with something. I think he is getting worse, but it may be just that my patience is wearing thinner. Here is my question: as an untreated individual approaches older years, are they likely to become worse, better or stay about the same? I realize that every case is different and I am asking for a rather specific answer for a generalized question. Thanks for your help and for this website.
- Hyperfocus similar to OCD? by: Kathryn 16 years 2 months ago Hi All, In the past six months I have found out that I seem to be living with ADHD all around me. At least now there's some type of answer for what's going on in my life. My five year old son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and OCD and his doc. seems confident that my husband has ADHD as well. Since finding this site last week I've been absorbing as much as I can about this problem and how it impacts peoples lives and what they can do about it. I originally started looking to gain insight in regard to my son and have found that I'm finding all kinds of reasons why my husband has been what I simply considered a disrespectful, selfish individual through most of our marraige. So, that's the very rough background here but what I'm curious about is this "hyperfocuing" people keep talking about. What exactly does it mean and how common is it with ADHDers? I always knew that people with ADHD could have trouble focusing and could be very hyper and disconnected but I never knew that hyperfocusing was a symptom or a characteristic. One of the reasons I'm wondering about this is because my husband and son (although many similar traits at times) have one primary differnece in their behaviors. My son is very hyperfocused to the point that we were originally looking at Asperger's Syndrome (in the Autism spectrum) and he has ultimately been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) - could this just be the hyperfocusing you're all talking about? He has many rituals and routines and repeats things constantly. He also has very focused interests and doesn't partcipate in as many "normal" five year old activities. On the flip side, my husband can't seem to focus on anything that doesn't interst him personally at a given moment and his primary characteristic seems to be frustration and anger. He's big on yelling and loosing his control. One of our marraige counselors called me his "Prozac" since it had become my job to monitor his emotions. So, does ADHD look very different in everyone or are there very many common traits and behaviors. Why is anger so common for people with ADHD and does anger mangement help? Any advice and/or info. anyone could offer would be helpful - especially in regard to better understanding hyperfocusing. Thanks!
- new to all of this by: hope spd 16 years 3 months ago The love of my life, my husband, was just diagnosed with adhd a couple of months ago. After researching the subject of adult adhd, I now see how all of the things that seem to have been bringing him down and holding him back lately are in some way attributed to his adhd. He is a loving and educated man with a true gentle heart who does not know the impact this has on my heart. I think he grew up with a lot of shame and pain due to his adhd and the lack of communication in his childhood. He doesn't have his parents to turn to, only me. I am a strong woman and lately my husband has been suffering from depression and lack of interest in our life due to his adhd and now I feel lost. We own our own home and live like a lot of young couples and are trying to move up in the world, start family someday and so on. He will be into all of that talk one day and the next day seem annoyed when I bring up the future or his possible success in life. Lately he seems to get bored easily and does not see the joy and beauty in our everyday 'routine' lives the way that I see it. His job is a burden, I talk too much about his feelings, he wants to drink and he is constantly looking for a change...buying new things and that is all worring me. He often says that he can't believe that he has to work everyday and that he wants to be free of the burdens of the everyday. I think he has had adhd since his boyhood and right now he is coping with the depression that can come from dealing with the responsibilites of marriage and all that adult stuff. He wants to change and he has taken a couple of weeks off of work under a doctor's care and upped his lexapro, stopped drinking for 2 weeks (he drank once in that time) and started taking adderoll today. I am so hopeful for our future but so scared that his lack of interest, anxiety, low-self esteem and easy boredem which are all adhd traits are going to be hard for him to let go of. Today is his first day on the low dose of adderoll and I am so hopeful that his doctor's care and my love will shed some light. I want to know if anyone can relate and give some advice.
- Relationship Destruction by: Daisy 16 years 3 months ago I've been married to my husband for a year and a half. I'm 22- he's 23, no kids (ever). We've been together over two years. I have ADHD and Bipolar- but only deal with hypermanic symptoms that mirror ADHD. I take Vyvanse along with a mood stablilizer and an anti-psychotic. No alcohol or drug use, I've been completely stable for almost a year. Before my husband, I could only stand to be in a reltionship for two or three months before I had to abandon ship because I would literally wake up and be completely disgusted with my partner. And even if I was in a relationship I always cheated. And the relationship with my husband was no different. In September I became aware of his infedelities, and behaviors that made me physically ill. We split for two months but reunited because I honestly thought I could see through his flaws and that he would change. There was a short period I had that flutter of love inside, but it was very short lived. The past month I have been sleeping in the living room. I am on my laptop 12-16 hours a day and rarely talk to him. I can not see myself with him sexually ever again. I want out. Since mid-December I have just created this complete dislike for him. He want's couples counseling and thinks I need new medication. I am finally breaking out of a social shell and getting out of the house. So, is this a common pattern of not being able to commit? Am I always going to grow completely hateful of the relationship I have with my significant other? Should I bother with couples counseling based on my past patterns- or is it worth a shot? I honestly don't want to save this, I have a level of resentment and sourness that makes my mother laugh and ask "Why are you still married?"
- Newly weds- both ADD in very different ways by: frecks0328 16 years 3 months ago My husband and I have been married for a little over a month now, and although it is such a short amount of time we are already facing the issue that we are very different people. We both have been diagnosed with ADD. My husband was diagnosed about 2 years ago and I was diagnosed almost 1 year ago. Some might think that this similarity makes our marriage easy; however, sometimes we are so different that I begin to wonder if I have ADD at all! My ADD seems to be coupled with a more anxious obsessive compulsive nature where my husband is forgetful and lacks intuition. We are running into issues with space around the house and me having to repeat myself every five minutes and then I get frustrated and upset because I am picking up after him and repeating myself over and over again which makes me anxious and in turn angry. It’s horrible! I get to the point with him where I can not even control the words coming out of my mouth. It hurts me so bad. I know it hurts him too. I love my husband very much, but we are young and this is starting to feel like overwhelming. He loves to go,go,go. If it were up to him we would be doing something every night. I have these same urges but I know that I have fibromyalgia and need to have 8 hours of sleep and keep my space organized or I will start to spiral back into my unorganized lifestyle. It seems as though I have developed a better grasp of organization, memory, and reading social cues where my husband can control his emotions better. But of course, when we fight we both get very defensive and can argue for hours. I feel like I have some very valid points but I am too forgiving so although my intention is to help our relationship I always give in. My husband uses his ADD as a crutch to constantly justify when he does something wrong. He says he is not using it as a crutch but rather just explaining why he does what he does, but I can’t understand why if I can overcome my socially unacceptable and inconsiderate actions why he can’t too! I know this is a lot of rambling but I have only been married a month and I already feel like we are failing at this marriage! I have already threatened with leaving him and he didn’t even take me seriously (which of course upset me more!) There are a lot of posts on here about a non ADHD spouse and a ADHD spouse finding common ground, but what if we are both ADD in very different ways? Are we doomed?