I'd like to start a conversation with input from people with ADHD and even from Dr. Hallowell about the impact it has on a person with ADHD when people who may or may not understand it are trying to manage or fix the person and what some are calling shortfalls.
In several of the posts here it seems like there's a subtle but real attitude like there is something wrong with the "other person" who has ADHD and that they are trying to manage them. This strikes me as sort of? I don't know it just strikes me. Seems sort of like they are talking down to them or treating them as they would a small child who's not behaving properly.
Very much looking forward to the replys on this one.
Recent forum posts (all topics)
- People who try to fix or manage people with ADHD by: stb616 16 years 3 months ago
- How do you find the right therapist? by: stb616 16 years 3 months ago
I just answered part of my question in a reply to another post- by groups like CHADD and recomendations of others. I'm asking more along the lines of credentials, experience, and style. Well, I guess too- other sources for recomendations. Is there any sort criterea or resource to find someone who actually specializes in the topic? I have a hang up about the medical field becasue I've run into people and offices who are clearly more intersted in their business interests than what I wanted or needed. I've changed insurance carriers several times over the past few years and have had to get any treatment approved or reapproved by my primary care doctor. This group has argued about and actually refused to approve my chiropractor and phsycologist becasue they did work for that medical group. I guess to them it didn't matter that I had been seeing these people for years and they were also approved with the new insurance company. So yeah, I'm certainly guilty of getting caught up in the past on that one. It makes me mad even thinking about all that. I'm a little sensative about working with new professionals but now I'm forced to find at least one new person. For my med reviews, she just moved out of state and the gentalman I was seeing counseling isn't covered by our current insurance and I can't afford to private pay. So as far as style and experience with the topic of ADD (specically adult diagnosed in my case) is there any suggestions about what questions I can ask of the person durring an initial meeting? I really valued the other professionals and if I have to find someone new, I would really like to be able to first find out about them and we'll talk about me. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or ideas
- Lack of progress. Are we too much alike? by: stb616 16 years 3 months ago First a little background. Within the past few years, both my wife and I have been diagnosed as having ADD. I’ve been more active in seeking help with “fixing” some of related aspects of my life than she has with education, medication, and counseling. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been bogged down on making any progress and have slipped back into some of my old habits like clutter, too many projects started at once (and not finishing them), dropping the ball or being forgetful on important things, and I’m back to a general “fly by the seat of my pants” approach to things. I really would like to change my life in regards to “clutter.” I really feel like if I could manage this that my level of mental clutter would at least partially fall into place. I’ve lovingly nicknamed my wife the squirrel of the house. While my “file-by-pile” approach and constant searching for things is bad enough, my wife shares this and to add to it seems to constantly and randomly move things and doesn’t have the foggiest idea where or even if she did. Sometimes its small things like a kitchen utensil and other times its very important things like a bill, something for my work, or one of the worst was an IRS notice I found on accident by the grace of God 2 days before the deadline to respond (and months after it came). All is well that ends well but……AHHHHH!!! Clutter being one of the most bothersome and time wasting issues to me has made me very frustrated with myself and my wife. “If I could only…….” haunts my thoughts. I have this image of how I’d like things to be but I/we can’t get there. It seems like any progress is so short lived and relatively so small to the big picture that frustration sets in almost immediately. I know my wife tries and has made some great steps, but its very frustrating for me being my own biggest critic to stay positive with her when I feel like she’s seemingly not nearly as interested in doing anything about it. Trust me I’m pretty much a whirlwind of chaos. I love my wife dearly. She’s my best friend and a very blessed soul- but when it comes to the more day to day aspects of our life together and trying to work on some systems or habits to improve our daily life I find myself with the attitude of with friends like this, who need enemies. So are we too much alike? How can I work on me when my wife fuels the problems? How can two people balance individual progresses and short comings when by whatever means they constantly undermine each other and feed off each other’s habits? I'm very interested in hearing what others have to say about this topic and any ideas for dealing with me and my issues, getting my wife to try and work it, and how circle of chaos can be minimized.
- Explaining Another Incident by: engineer9 16 years 3 months ago My wife and I are both ADHD and both recently diagnosed, which has helped explain a lot. Through prayer, stubbornness and Omega 3 we are just beginning to figure things out. Yet if ADHD in marriage were a sport, I'd certainly be playing defense. I am laughing about it now, but I had to take the day off work to write the following to my wife explaining another incident. I'm sorry it is a bit lengthy, but I thought I'd just post in entirety what I've written her. I guess doing this is part venting, part searching for sympathy and partly because I am always feeling so guilty I need to explain everything. That and I'm never sure why I do anything. So here goes: My dear wife: I'm sorry. Please forgive my behavior, this morning and last night. Just to let you know though, last night was not about you. We arrived early and you found us great seats. Then it became crowded, the lecture had started. I was engaged with his opening comments; I was excited for what was to come. I was comfortable where I was sitting. I had two jackets arranged on my chair, I had my empty coffee cup stashed underneath, and I had an aisle seat. All this was good. Then latecomers started banging new seating up to the front, and extending the aisles. I was suddenly missing the lecture. I was being asked to move to the right, move to the left. At that point a switch flipped in my head. I can't explain it. I just can't explain it. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to burst. Chaos and crowds, too much happening at once. I feel like I'm about to implode. I feel trapped. I feel pressured. It's dark and the walls are closing in around me. I want to hear the lecture, I don't want to miss anything but it is too much. A breaker in my brain flips off, the circuit closes and I have to leave. There is no time to explain. I hardly understand myself. I am not angry but it likely seems that way to those about. Yet I am angry. I have to leave. I am angry because it is the only other emotion I know besides joy. I'm not joyful so I must be angry. It is one or the other. My life always seems to be all or nothing. Anger is bad. What if I explode rather than implode. I must leave. I can't say anything to you. I can't even explain it to myself. I just don't understand. The switch has been flipped. Where I was once okay and comfortable and engaged I am now the opposite. The thing, that thing has happened inside my brain again. I've forgotten that I want to hear the lecture. I've forgotten that I am with my wife. I've forgotten that there is love and support nearby. My thinking has changed. I just can't explain it. I leave. Even now it seems ridiculous. It seems childish. I am ashamed. My brain begins to drum out that old rhythm ... loser, loser, loser ... asshole, asshole, asshole. I try to force it to stop. I try to think about other things. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to see my reflection in the bathroom mirror. The little train in my head keeps running, I hear its engine ... whatajerk, whatajerk, whatajerk. I come out to breakfast. I have to act normal. I have to act sane. "Good morning". No reply. Perhaps a grunt. I know you are annoyed. I know you are upset. What to do. What to do. What to do. Then an accusation, "What happened to you last night?" It is the tone of voice, I hear it. It’s not just a question. I've been a bad dog. Again. Bad dog. Bad me. Whatajerk, whatajerk, whatajerk. Too much is happening again. It is just like last night but how do I explain. What do I say? I don't want a incident. I don't want to argue. I'm not angry. It's not you. Yet I'm not happy either. If I’m not happy, then I must be angry. I don't know what else to feel. I want to wag my tail. I want pats. I want to be a good dog. I know I'm not. I know I don't deserve it. I'm just a train, a big freight train charging down the tracks. I hear its engine ... whatajerk, whatajerk, whatajerk. I don't want to leave the tracks. I've left the tracks before. We know that. Things get broken. Walls get broken. That screeching of twisting, tearing metal when the train leaves the tracks is things being said that shouldn't. How can I stop a freight train crashing? Things are said that should not be said. These aren't true things, these aren't real things, and this is a train crash. How can I stop a freight train crashing? It is better to keep on the tracks, just keep the engines humming along ... whatajerk, whatajerk, whatajerk. I leave. I'm sorry. I've very sorry about last night. I'm sorry about this morning. But I have to keep the train on the tracks. I can't turn around. I seem unable to turn around. I want to. I really want to. I really just want to be a good dog. Good dogs get their bellies scratched though. My belly isn't being scratched. I hear accusation. I hear condemnation. I'm just a train, whatajerk, whatajerk, whatajerk. I leave. My life always seems to be all or nothing. I know I want it all with you my wife. I want too much. I turn it to nothing. Please know I'm striving to turn things around. I know I'm not a train. I know I'm not a dog. I'm a man. A man trying to turn things around in my life. I know there a too many words here. How else can I explain though? It isn't just yes or no. I am unable to explain my brain by saying yes or no. It is not just all or nothing. I always have too many words in my head. I always have too much to say. All these words are what the train is pulling. How can I explain? I don't want to leave. I love you.
- Organizing Finances by: Hildy910 16 years 4 months ago Hi everybody, I need some advice about financial organization. Both my husband and I have been diagnosed with ADHD, which means that we both procrastinate mightily when it comes to paying bills and doing other financial stuff. It's incredibly frustrating to make the same mistake over and over and over, not to mention expensive as I have to pay late fees that I wouldn't have to if I'd paid the darn bill on time. Of the two of us, I'm less inclined to chaos, so I do most of this household organizational stuff. Some works well, as stuff around kids, cooking and scheduling is in an area of hyperfocus. But the finances are just awful. I need some sort of advice, or financial advisor who knows how to work with ADHD people, to give me an simple way to organize and deal with things. We are also trying to figure out very basic things such as how much we spend in certain areas, so that we can create a budget. But that, too, fizzles out. Any ideas?
- Intimacy by: mdraper 16 years 4 months ago I am a non ADD spouse entering into our 19th year of marriage. We have had major communication difficulties right from the beginning, and LOTS of marriage counseling. We ended up separating in our 13th year. It was during this time that I came across a one page article entitled ‘Can your marriage be saved?’ The husband was ADHD. WOW! That article explained my husband to a T, (he’s ADD) and has also helped me understand what was holding back our son. My husband moved back home 3 years later, and we have both made a concentrated effort towards reconciliation. Both boys have been taking Adderall, which has been extremely helpful. We are in the process of finding the proper anti-depressant medication for my husband. We started on Effexor, moved over to Welbutrin and have now added on Paroxetine. I have requested that he ask his doctor for a substitute for the Paroxetine, as this has caused erectile dysfunction. I very much enjoy the sexual act, and the intimacy that it provides. My husband has always found it a waste of time, and puts it off until he absolutely has too. Previous to taking the Paroxetine, he may have balked at having to have sex, however he did get into it, and enjoyed it. Now, he finds it an extreme bother . We are very opposite, I am highly emotional, and he is very logical. The early years have left a long line of disappointments, anger and resentment. I have made it a priority to find out all there is to know about ADD. I have worked very hard at trying to forgive, thank you Dr. Hallowell for that wonderful book on ‘Dare to Forgive’, and I am now reading ‘Real Love’ the truth about finding unconditional love and fulfilling relationships, by Greg Baer. Together, we created a flowchart (remember…very logical) showing that we are still very much apart, and are struggling to obtain some sort of intimacy. We plotted intimacy as respect, honesty, trust, and passion. If we can obtain the intimacy needed, it would then provide us with peace. We have accomplished respect for one another. We are working hard, and moving forward on the honesty and trust. However, the passion is severely lacking. To him, love is love, and sex is sex. They are not intertwined. He equates love and intimacy with hugging and cuddling, which he is making an effort to provide. I equate love and intimacy to hugging, cuddling and at times the act of sex. It brings me to a deeper level of intimacy. Being ADD has caused difficulty with commitment, as focus falls by the wayside. The act of sex is another commitment that he feels he has to fill, therefore he has difficulty. He would prefer that I find that portion of intimacy outside of our relationship. This is very uncomfortable. I don’t think finding another gentleman to satisfy my desire for sex is a good idea. We already struggle with communication. Keeping secrets like this will definitely destroy the trust and honesty that we are trying to achieve. Love and sex are intertwined. I have tried explaining that having sex with another man could open the door to me finding intimacy with that man. There are some very deep consequences to this type of arrangement. Please can you advise me on how to proceed? Thank you.
- Aderall XR? by: Robert Johnson 16 years 4 months ago
Good Afternoon, My wife and I have been married for a little over a year and she is taking Adderall XR. Does anyone know of any adverse effects it might have on, over-focusing on the negative in a relationship, increasing hostility, causing "bi-polar" type symptoms (rapid mood swings) or anything like that? She was not on it before marriage, started slightly after and I swear she is a different person from when we got married. Thank you Bob, NY
- Anger/Confusion/Thinking related to ADHD/Medication? by: Robert Johnson 16 years 4 months ago Hello, I'm starting to lose home in my marriage. I love my wife very much and we have been married for a little over a year. She is diagnosed with ADHD and is confident in talking about it and feels she is in total control of its symptoms. She is taking Adderall and has been for long before we were married. Everything we do ends in conflict, from household chores to planning a vacation. I know that communcation is key and I know that i'm not perfect but, we can be talking about anything, and if I use one wrong word to describe something, the entire conversation is ignored and the one word is focused on, whether it be to accuse me of changing facts, accusing her of something, taking a stab or just flat out missing the point. I know she has "hyper focus" type tendencies ... can this be associated with her condition? What can I do to make this work better? There is so much anger and unhappiness ... I have stopped talking since everything I say gets disected and used against me in some way ... I don't think she is this way on purpose ... Any thoughts would be appreciated. Bob, NY
- Help with chores and communication by: Robert Johnson 16 years 4 months ago I've been married for a year to a wife with diagnosed ADHD (since childhood) who is very comfortable with her diagnosis and feels she has a very firm grasp and control of her condition. It has become one of the scenarios discussed elsewhere ... since we have moved in she has never cleaned up her things, she is still unpacked from a trip 2 months ago. I do everything I can to keep everything I own put away and clean. We made a job list a few months back of who is responsible for what. I do mine consistantly and to her nagging specifications, she has yet to do the bulk of her jobs. She is currently unemployed but when I come home from 8 hours I honestly cannot tell anything has been done. She occasionally will do one small task but on the whole nothing happens. I try and talk with her ... but I always get told she is very busy and gets things done. The one time I didn't do my job for the week I got a lecture on how we both need to do our jobs. Any time I try and help or even suggest something with ADHD (which she loves to talk about and tell me how well she is in control) it ends ugly. She is on Adderall XR and I honestly think she's a nicer person when she is off of it (and gets more done). I really don't know what to do ... I am terrified what will happen when we have children and she runs our household. I have no problem working and helping with chores but i'm working full time, doing all the chores, I cook every meal and .... I'm usually the one in the doghouse. Can someone please suggest where she is and what I can do to help her understand the importance of this teamwork. If she is going to be the master of the household ... she needs to start doing it. The negativity and everything else is just mounting in our marriage. Thanks Bob, NY
- Contact with other women with ADD/ADHD? by: ccs 16 years 4 months ago Hello! I would like to get contact with other women who has ADD/ADHD or men who is together with a woman who has ADD/ADHD. I´m from Sweden and I´m 37 years old and have just discovered that I have ADHD. I eat no medication yet and I´m in the process of a diagnosis. I´m afraid to tell my fiance about this, he doesn´t know tha I have ADHD.. We don´t live together so he doesn´t see me all the time, and all the things that I do... I have a child, a son, who is wonderful to me. He´s 17 years old and lives with me. // CCS Contact me on this e-mail: [email protected]