ADHD and Marriage: Learn How to Thrive

I have found the comments of others to be interesting and useful. Thank you Dr. Hallowell and Ms. Orlov for doing this blog. I am a 50 year old ADHD spouse who was diagnosed 4 years ago. My wife and I have no children, so I wasn't diagnosed the way many adults are...when their kids get diagnosed. My first psychiatrist recommended Dr. Hallowell's "Driven to Distraction," as a starting point in understanding this disorder. I thank you for writing it. It certainly was an excellent place to begin learning why I have the problems I do. I originally went to a psychiatrist because of problems I was having that were putting my marriage on the rocks. My symptoms were classic ADD. Distractable. Failure to follow through. Failure to start, and failure to finish, projects. Self centered. Zoning out in the middle of conversations with my wife. Short term memory bordering on senility! Poor productivity at work, resulting in insufficient income (I am a self employed attorney). Absolutely no ability to organize. Always late, etc., etc., etc. It was pretty much if I don't get help, my wife would leave me. My psychiatrist actually diagnosed me after speaking with me for only 20 minutes. I've since changed psychiatrists, and went through a day long battery of tests. The result was basically that I am certifiably ADHD. Like, off the charts! I can sympathize with a lot of the comments by the "normal" or non-ADD spouses that have posted here. I am lucky my wife has had the patience of Job. She has learned at least as much as I have about ADHD, and I have learned a great deal. For me, the best part about this is that she understands that the things I do, and don't do, that frustrate her and drive her crazy are not because: 1. I'm lazy; 2. I'm careless; 3. I don't really love her; 4. I'm passive-aggressive; 5. I don't care about her feelings. I am still responsible for my ACTIONS, but she is pretty good about understanding that it's not the result of bad intentions. By the same token, it's really irrelevant that I have the best of intentions, but don't do what I am supposed to do, or agree to do. It took me a long time to really accept that I had ADHD, and it wasn't going to go away. Intellectually, I "got it" right up front. But emotionally, I don't think it really started to sink in completely until maybe 18 months ago. I'm not an arrogant person. But the comments about the ADD spouse thinking he/she is never wrong ring true. I never really realized I was like that. By accepting my ADHD emotionally, I gained humility. I started to ask myself first whether my perceptions were supported by objective fact. When I did that, I often found that my perception was not rational. I can say in my experience that before, when "I knew best," it was an honestly held belief. It wasn't to be argumentative, defensive (well, most of the time), or disingenuous. I think really accepting the ADHD, and gaining some humility, has put me on the path to learning how to be the partner in my marriage that my wife wants and deserves, and thus making her emotionally available to give me what I need. We are far from out of the woods, though. I have much more recently come to realize just how self centered I have been my entire adult life (and, I'm sure, as a child). Even though I have good values, being raised by excellent parents, most of my life has seemed like drifting fog. I was missing specific purpose and meaning in my life. By adopting as my purpose in life being the best person I can be, and helping my wife to be the best person she can be, with all else subservient to this purpose, I have become much more focused. My work has improved, I think because I now expressly think that the primary purpose of working is to generate money for the necessities and comforts of my wife and I. I kind of think that non-ADD people don't need to have such an explicit statement of their purpose. But I do, apparently. I am medicated. I was originally on methylphenodate (Ritalin)...the original fast acting kind. I had terrible mood swings when the concentration of medication in my blood dropped off. I then went on Concerta, which is a delayed release methylphenodate. It's been a life saver. My moods are even, and nothing has helped as much as this med. Although a meditation based stress reduction program I went through does come close. Yoga, and other exercise, also help. I take a fairly large dose of Concerta at 126mg per day (7 x 18mg). I stagger these so I have med coverage until 9 or 10 in the evening. I'm lucky I don't have a sleep problem from stimulants. By staggering my dose, my wife isn't stuck with the unmedicated "dregs" in the evening. I don't think it's fair to her to not be medicated just because I'm not at work. I don't really know what it's like for the non-ADD spouse to have to deal with a non-medicated ADD spouse. But if I can safely judge by my wife's reaction to me from those time, it must really suck! I would love to hear what is working for other people, whether in posts by Dr. Hollowell or Ms. Orlov, or from other posters here.

I can TOTALLY relate to the anger/defensiveness that other posters are bringing up. Most of my family has ADD so I understand it. My SO of 4 years has it was diagnosed about 3 years ago (thanks to my encouraging him to get diagnosed). Anyway, he refuses to get on medication. I've tried every way imaginable to communicate with him with no avail. Doesn't matter how I say it or explain I'm not upset with him or think it is his fault. He gets royally ticked off and loses his temper. I can't take his temper anymore. I would be more positive on "trying" if he would understand that his ADD does cause problems and WE both need to find solutions. It is very obvious he has low self esteem. What really upsets me is how he spins whatever I say to be my fault. To him I'm just a very negative person. I can't tell him when something bothers me because he gets defensive and thinks I'm being "negative". I'm at the end of my rope. I think the only way this would work is if I just excepted status quo and I can't live like that. I have also noticed whatever I tell him I need he almost unconsciencly does the exact opposite.

I'm also glad that you have started this blog. I'm not sure how this works or if this is the right place for the ff. but here goes: My partner shows all the signs of ADHD, yet when he saw a therapist who referred him to a psychiatrist he was "diagnosed" with depression and anxiety and given medication. This has helped a bit with his anger but the medication hasn't helped his disorganization, forgetfulness or lack of ability to follow through. He still gets very angry and can "shut down" if he feels slighted, misconstrues someone's comment or if the neighbors make any sort of loud noise! We are in marriage counseling but have not been helped much. We have recently started seeing a new couselor and I hope this will make the difference. The last therapist rebuked me for bringing up the idea of ADD. And my partner laughs at me too. Do you have any suggestions how to handle this? I would like things to be better.

Both me and my spouse have ADHD. I have learned to use the Communication Map by the Relationship Institute in our marriage and in my private practicw work with couples. It is a great tool to use and to handle couples having a disagreement or argument. I also practice the seven principles of Making Marriage Work by John M.Gottman's book as well. Dr. Gotman has the right tools to make ADHD marriages work as well.

My Husband,I feel has ADHD,I know i do. He will not admit he has a problem,but says the problem is me.He never shares his feelings with me,or for example the smallest things,like getting a raise at work. I have to find out when i see the next check,He is happiest when he is doing his "own" thing alone. We have been suffering for years with his lack of ability to support financially our basic needs. when i try to talk to him about it,he hears only what he wants and always see's my attempts to help our marriage as an attack and once he hit me. What am i to do. I to have ADHD,But I beleive i have come to a point in my life that i dont want to be run by my ADHD anymore,I am going back to school to get a career and from there i hope a good job,one that will take care of my daughter and I. I am not sure of my marriage at this time. He wont even admit his problem.Love or not i cant live like this much longer. CH

Can anyone give me information on where, to find help if both marriage partners are ADHD and both were just diagnosis.We done no anything except that we have the illness.

I identify with the woman who stated her ADD partner (I am the non ADD partner) responds with serious anger and defensiveness when he feels he is being "confronted", nagged, or slighted in some way, usually imagined, or he has taken it completely the wrong way. It's like he hears what he wants to hear. I can usually tell when the outcome of the day will turn out this way. It's just a feeling I get or the way he responds to me and usually takes most of the day before he finally erupts like a volcano with anger. The problem for me is that he refuses to get diagnosed with ADD, although he admits he believes he may have ADD. This has been going on for years with us and I don't know what to do anymore other than break up our family permanently. I am tired of him kicking myself and our daughter out when he gets in one of these 'places'. We have been disrupted several times in the past and I cannot continue to disrupt our daughters life in this way. The problem is I love him terribly and always go back.

I'm The ADD spouse. My wife feels like she is the parent in the relationship. She wants me to be able to walk into a room and assess the situation and take control. I find this very hard to do since I can't even find the ketchup in the fridge on the first try. How do you change the spouses fellings and "plug in"?

I'm 38, and I didn't realize I had ADD until my son was diagnosed. By then, I had already attempted going to college, not all of it productive. I'm going to go back to college part-time, to finish what I started, but my wife has anxiety issues, and she's trying to sabotage me going back. She thinks I'm going to do the same thing I did the first time I went to college, even though, the last time I was there, I managed to finish all my classes but one. It can be really frustrating trying to remain positive about this return to college to get a better life.

Hello, Never blogged before but here go's... I am a 39 yr/old male. I have been recently diagnosed with ADD. Now that I think back I have had signs all my life. One of the biggest issues I am facing now is that my wife feels, and has stated, she feels short changed, she is not getting the man she thought she married. When she met me I was self medicating with alchol so naturally I was more fun and laughable then. We all know this was not the answer. It's been many years since I did that sort of thing on a regular basis, and my wife feels I am not the same person. It has caused much hardship as of late. This stinks because now that I've accepted ADD and have started to deal with the constant frustration, now I have to deal with other frustration brought on by trying to help myself. What's a man to do?

I am so glad you have this new blog. My husband has ADD and we didn't realize it until the past few years. I've now learned to say "I am so frustrated with ADD" instead of "I am so frustrated with you". As a new mom and three young kids under the age of 5, I would love more suggestions on coping so that my husband doesn't feel like my fourth child.

I would appreciate feedback on the subject mhmartel brought up. My husband and I both have ADHD. We have had a constant struggle during our marriage and many non-resolved issues. We have all the issues brought up in the comment mentioned above, but we are both diagnosed. We are considering separation. We have the chore/gender issue, I act as the "non" adhd person and am responsible for 98% of everyting. He has been very resistant to marriage counseling. It is exhausting.

Thanks for starting this blog! I'm the ADHD spouse and I think what my spouse finds most difficult is that household routines need to be set up to function for me -- or I won't be able to do my part. A lot of ADHD marital dynamics seem to have a gendered aspect. In our case, since we're two women who have worked a lot on our self-development, I think we have an advantage. We're both very good communicators and we're both very relationship-oriented. The absence of gender dynamics in our household chores issues makes it easier to identify the role that ADHD plays. I do think my spouse has to give a lot more, have a lot more patience. I'm fortunate that she has a good sense of humour and has gone out of her way to understand ADHD. We both look forward to seeing this blog evolve.

Glad you started this blog. Here's a couple of questions I'd like to see addressed: What about if both spouses have ADHD? I find it much more difficult to set up routines and coping systems, because I know my partner will not help me maintain them, and may even undermine them (example -- I spend an entire day organizing our financial files, only to come home a couple of days later and find the entire contents of the filebox strewn on the living room floor, because he was looking for something and it was " just easier to find it that way.") On the other hand, there are plenty of times when I am the sabateur: he has managed to get ready to go on time, but we are late anyway because *I* can't find my keys/wallet/glasses, etc. How do you cope when you BOTH need help? Also, what if only one spouse has been officially diagnosed? How do you get the undiagnosed spouse to recognize their own ADD issues and get help(instead of blaming them on *your* ADD)?

ADD spouse Does not have any idea how long solitaire or backgammon or poker is played on computer. Gets angry when you call to his attention that he has been "relaxing" for over 3 hrs and tries to say he has been working while playing??? I cant do that and do meaningful work at same time..I dont know if ADD people can or not? I suspect he gets lost sometimes way longer than he admits/notices and perhaps isnt as productive seeking employment as he could be if he did not have full financial support from a non ADD spouse?

Pattern: Cannot find a job even though well qualified according to professional peers and has had lots of help with resumes and networking. Keeping a job may be hard since the ADD person is always right and that doesnt set well with bosses. Tried real estate and told everyone he was in real estate and never sold or listed a thing in 2 years. Kept on this until non ADD wife said try something else..seems to refuse to give up what obviously doesnt work to get income producing employment.

You ask for patterns in ADD marriage..my ADD husband has a serious anger issue and defensiveness when he is questioned or feels slighted in any way even when the circumstances either with me or another person say on the phone had no intention of that. A non ADD person would take the same comments and not think it was against themselves..a bit paranoid I guess is the best word. Why do ADD people jump to the worst conclusion in an interaction?

Thanks for this blog.. It has really helped just knowing that there are others out there going through the same things that I'm experiencing. My wife has ADD and is unmedicated. I keep telling her that she needs to get medication but she takes no initiative. We have been married for two years and frankly I feel like I need to be medicated. I try to understand ADD and I beleive that I'm compassionate. I get tired of arguing and her feeling that she's always right and that I'm the worst person in the world. I made some mistakes before we got married and ruined her trust. It's very difficult to move beyond that. I love her with all my heart. All I want to do is make her happy. I'm faithfull and always there for her, but thats not helping her to trust me. She always wants detal, detal and more detal. She has an ideal job, she can go in when she wants, and she can work as many hours as she wants, but still if she works 15 hrs a week, were rockin. I can go on and on but I wont.. Thanks for letting me vent. Shoooo...

i would like to respond to jennifer and her last post: i am not an expert on ADD memory in terms of formal training, but i can tell you that the experiences you describe with your husband regarding memory are very similar to mine. i am often surprised at what he actually DOES remember as so many things seem to be a blur for him. i know exactly what you mean by having had a conversation, making an agreement and the next day it's like it never transpired...this also causes me to despair as i try to be as positive and productive as i can, always trying to "start anew" despite the ADD related setbacks, which have been many. i ask myself how i can start fresh with a new agreement when he can't remember that he even made one? just last night, i had a major meltdown, really facing how much drain this has caused me through the years and how i just don't feel i have it in me to keep on keeping on when things don't seem to change despite all good intentions. i still love him but i'm also exhausted. i'm sorry at this point that i have no ideas to offer you other than my understanding of exactly how hard it is. we have a one year old daughter and i want her to experience some degree of stability and consistency from her father as she grows up, so this is an added concern. we both agree we need professional assistance (and have BEEN needing it) and have had obstacles with even finding a consistent mental health provider at this point who can get the whole picture, so we're still looking. we've been actually trying to access a biofeedback clinic, which, according to research, seems to really help most. perhaps it could help your husband if he's willing to give it a try? we're also looking into brain fitness exercises, which he's open to...last week there was a feature on PBS regarding the plasticity of the brain, so there is hope to form new neural pathways with specific exercises resulting in new ways of being, increased memory, etc. this gave me a glimmer, also..my very best to you...i'll look for you here on the blog and let you know about any breakthroughs...

I just recently learned of this website and have scanned through all of the comments on this particular blog and found a lot of similarities in my marriage. My husband has ADD. We have been married 5 years, but have known each other for 7 years. We are still young - he is 35 and I'm 30. We have 2 kids - 23 months & 4 months. The last few years of our marriage have been very rocky. This is in part because we have had to face a lot of adversity. But, also in part because of my husband's ADD. There are some things I would like to understand better: (1) Why is it that an ADDer has trouble with emotional cues? I can be very emotionally distraught and my husband has repeatedly rolled over and fallen asleep and NEVER readdresses an issue. He'll promise me to respond to something I've shared with him & never does. How much of this can be attributed to ADD and how much of it is a personal choice? (2) How exactly does ADD effect one's memory? I can understand how short-term memory can be effected such as forgetting to take out the trash, but what about bigger stuff such as all the fun things you used to do with a person, an argument or series of arguments over a hot topic, or a conversation? My husband and I will have a conversation and reach an agreement about something only for him to forget about it - as if the conversation never occurred and as if an agreement was never reached. Sometimes he'll swear up and down that he said something to me when I know he didn't, or he'll swear he never said something that he in fact did say. This happens enough that I know it isn't always my lack of memory. I'll make decisions based upon what we've discussed only for him to deny having an entire discussion with me! The passed few years of our marriage have been really rough. When I talk to him about the memories of our marriage before it got rough, he says he can't remember the good times. He explained to me that he remembers how something made him feel, not exactly what that something is or was. This is hair-raisingly frustrating for me because I have tried and am trying to go out of my way to do things to help repair our marriage and he can't remember a lot of what I've done. He only remembers the negative. I never know what it is he will remember and what it is he will forget. It is extremely discouraging for me. I need help understanding ADD and memory. There is so much more I'd like to share here, but I think I'll just begin with the concerns I've stated thus far. There is no way everything would get addressed in one email to begin with. I'm looking forward to hearing back. Thank you!