I knew that my husband had ADHD going into our marriage.   Having kids was a deal breaker for us as far as marriage went – I wanted them and he was scared to have them.  He didn’t want to pass his genes along.  Long story short, we are expecting our third child any day now (my due date was yesterday). 

I also had the benefit of meeting him while we worked at a camp – so I saw how wonderful he was with kids. 

Things change when you have children.  He still wanted to have a lot of “me time” for himself.  Some of that had to go – with two young ones and another on the way, I need help around here.  One thing that he really likes to do is play an online game.  So we set aside one night a week where he games to his hearts content and unless someone is really sick, I leave him alone. It gives him the time he craves and that works for us.  We’ve also set aside a “movie night” for us.  We need time to just hang out with no kids – so after they go to bed, we watch whatever movie we’ve rented that night.  It may not seem like much, but it helps us stay connected.

Safety is a HUGE concern of mine, too.  Our oldest (age 4) is severely allergic to egg.  Twice in the past year he’s let her have something and has forgotten to read the ingredients label on the food.  Once that landed her in the emergency room because her reaction was so bad (swollen throat, vomiting, hives, etc). 

He does not mean to endanger her.  He was simply in a hurry and didn’t read the labels.  Still scary none-the-less.  I know he felt horrible both times it happened.  And is he working on that.  He is trying to get off his meds.  The one he was on was making him a not so nice person and very into himself and not what anyone else wanted.  He was not the person I married when on these meds and we finally had an opportunity to talk about that.  So he is currently on a lower dosage as he tapers off these meds and is working with neurofeedback.  It wasn’t until he was on a dosage that didn’t mess with his personality that we were able to talk about all of this.  He is really working to be conscientious of what the girls need.  He hasn’t forgotten to read a food label since.

He does need to be reminded of things.  He gets so engrossed in what he’s doing with the kids that he loses track of time.  So, either I make meals myself or ask him to do it.  If I ask, he does it.  I need to remind him when our girls need their inhalers and to bring the epi-pen with him every time he takes our oldest somewhere.  But he’s working on remembering those things, too.

At night, I remind him that in the morning the girls need to get dressed, eat, brush teeth and detangle hair.  And I remind him again in the morning.  And then I have to do some letting go myself:  if they don’t have their hair detangled for a day, it’s not the end of the world.  If they don’t have their teeth brushed for a day, I just hope they don’t breathe on anyone, but again, not the end of the world. 

Yes.  I do leave him with our girls.  If I can’t trust him to take care of them, then we may as well not have the kids.  And obviously I do trust him or we wouldn’t be having our third soon.  We’ve devised ways to help him remember things – like the epi-pen – if he takes the girls, he has to take my car because I have the car seats.  So I have a note in there saying, “Do you have the epi-pen?”  Just a little reminder for him – he and I had talked about it extensively and that’s what we came up with to work for us.  If I have to be gone for a period of time that involves meals or taking of medicine, I leave a small list for him.  Just telling him who gets what med at what time and the dosage.  The girls are old enough that if they don’t get fed and get hungry enough, they’ll let him know.   If they don’t eat what I would have made, or eat in front of the TV or eat at a different time, it’s not the end of the world either. 

I had to work on changing my thinking, too.  I can be quite a control freak and I needed to let go of that.  He may not do things the way I’d do them, but that doesn’t make what he does wrong.  It just makes them different.

I guess communication is the biggest thing with us in making sure the girls stay safe.  We talk about things that need to get done and medicines that need to be taken.  And we talk about ways for me to help him remember some of these things.  

He is so wonderful with the girls.  He is patient and loving and kind to them.  We are lucky to have him as their father.  He has the energy to keep up with them.  He gets to their level and plays whatever they’re playing.  He would never forget them in the bathtub (they’re ages 4 and 2 so are never left alone in there) – he gets so engrossed in what they’re playing that I sometimes have to go get them before the water turns to ice!   He can push them on swings to no end.  He’ll run around outside with them.  He teaches them about the plants we’ve planted (tomatoes, peppers, pumpkins).  He can often times see different ways to approach discipline problems we may have as he’s very good at thinking outside the box.  He and I take turns putting the girls down for bed and the girls love the way he reads to them.  He gets into the stories and creates voices for each character in some stories. 

It has taken some work on both of our parts and we continue to talk about and adjust things (and I’m sure there’ll be some huge adjustments when this third baby comes!) but I wouldn’t change a thing about how things are done (I hope that makes sense).  And now I see that I’ve rambled a lot, so I will stop.  I hope this helps a little.