I have noticed that a few of the new posters have mentioned that their relationships (even long relationships that seemed to be fine) started to get frustrating around the time a child or children were born. This has been my experience exactly and I am currently grieving for the nuclear family we will never be. The unpredictability, extra work, organization,etc. that come with having children has pushed my husband's coping skills to the brink which has in turn pushed our marriage to the brink. He just can't seem to enjoy the children for large amounts of time and I am starting to think that the greatest gift I can give him at this point is a divorce where we visit him every weekend so he can enjoy the children, but never be responsible for their care. I think it might be the greatest gift I could give the children as well, particularly my 4 year old son who is so confused and frustrated with my husband's alternating inattentiveness and frustration with him and then the periods of time where is is totally attentive and fun (short, infrequent periods of the latter).
My husband's coping skills before the kids were amazing when I read what others are dealing with. He was the first in his family to get a university degree and has kept a stable, excellent job for 17 years. He uses electronic cues, alarm clocks and all kinds of other rituals to keep himself organized. He was never diagnosed but knows he has ADHD. He is totally in denial that he has not developed coping skills for parenting and is unwilling to go to counselling to help him/us develop any. And that's where I'm at and why I feel divorce may be our next step. Looking for others considering something similar.
Ready to leave
Submitted by lulu18 on
My husband is in denial of his lack of parenting skills as well. He did not know he had ADHD until our son,who was adopted at birth, was tested at age 7. Even though I am a mental health professional who has dealt with ADHD in kids for years, I was woefully ignorant of ADHD in adults. I realized my husband was behaving just like my son and I badgered him until he got tested. Medication has made no difference in his behavior, only his focus. By the time he gets home from work the meds have worn off. He appears ignorant of how his behavior affects others around him . A year of marriage counseling did not help. He has momentary insight but little follow through. Melissa's course was great for me- he rarely made it home in time to listen and never finished listening to the recorded sessions. He is a nice man- doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, have affairs. He is just absent, even when he's here. He is " fun Daddy" to my " mean mommy". I am the only parent here. I have waited to leave him until my son was old enough to care for his severe food allergies when he is with his Dad, and that time has arrived. My son is more responsible than my husband. Yet he adores his Dad and I work hard at manging my anger so he is free to love daddy and doesn't feel forced to choose. I need peace, I need to look after my health, which has suffered. My son will be very hurt, his behavior will regress for a while. He will be mad at me. His many therapies will have to stop- can't afford them by myself. He is a highly gifted kid with multiple, invisible disabilities, but what a lovable kid! I am afraid, but I want my son to see that mom is not a doormat, that I matter too. I have stayed to protect him, as I feared he would be at risk with his dad during visitation, but now he is older. His dad would never intentionally hurt him, only by being unaware and unconscious. It is time for me to leave, even though it will be tough financially. Thanks to all of you for sharing your truth, as I draw inspiration from each of you every time I come to this forum.
The waiting part is also something I feel I may need to do...
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
Thank you for sharing your expereince lulu18. I too am struggling with the right time to leave. Right now, I worry our daughter is just too young for my husband to handle on his own for any length of time (she's 18 months old, he adores her, but the sudden crying for teething, for example, just swings him into freak out mode). I want them to have a good relationship and don't want to just leave and have him rarely see her. I feel like I may be best waiting until she's old enough to speak before I do anything drastic. I'm so sorry to hear that things didn't improve with counselling for you and your husband, but it does give me a reality check that even if I can get him into counselling (he's so against it right now), it may not be the solution to all of our problems and I should have a Plan B.
From The ADHD Side
Submitted by kellyj on
I think your assessment of your husband is pretty close to being spot on " The unpredictability, extra work, organization,etc. that come with having children has pushed my husband's coping skills to the brink."
Any change that I have experienced in my routine whether it be at work or at home can totally throw me off balance and it takes me a while or longer to readjust. I liken it to driving on the freeway at a constant 60 mph, then taking an exit and finding myself stopping every block for a red light.....going from 0....slowly accelerating and shifting gears forward just to put of the brakes and start over again. It never feels like I'm getting anywhere compared to before. Having the full time responsibility of children and all that goes with it including staying focused on their needs is in a completely different realm. (the unpredictability you mentioned).
There are so many posts to this forum that appear to be related to many things either indirectly associated with ADHD or perhaps not at all. What you just described and echoed in my description I very much believe IS directly related to having ADHD from my own experience and it can be frustrating to overwhelming at times. I've had to fight with this most of my life and not always very well....that is, adjusting and coping with changes and demands outside of a structured routine. Permanent changes or rapidly changing ones become exponentially more difficult.
For me, this has never changed no matter how well I have done before in other areas but......I have come to the realization that this is something that I have to deal with and push myself through or deal with the consequences and there appears to be very little middle ground but......it can be done if I want it bad enough. I will never be perfect in this area but there is a lot of room for improvement and I have proven this to myself when pushed by something I really want. If your husband is faced with the alternative of divorcing you he may find it in himself to go get help and find it in himself to step up to the plate and make the extra effort needed. I don't want to white wash this either.......it will takes a HUGE effort on his part but I believe it can be done if he wants it bad enough. I can attest for that on both accounts.
The only caution I'd add based on my owned failed marriages (2)...and that is, if the alternative is to simply get away from fighting or horrible treatment ( on both sides )......sometimes leaving sounds good but only for that reason alone at the time. In reality...if the alternative is to stay without turmoil but be allowed the opportunity and time it takes to find better ways to improve in the areas you mentioned...I would pick the second one and stay if I would have been given that chance. In my case.....I never got that opportunity. For what it's worth.
J
Thank you for your honesty and feedback, J!
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
JJamieson - I have always appreciated your candour and willingness to share your experiences as someone with ADHD and the insight you just gave me (especially your analogy to the car driving on the freeway and then off ramp) into what has most likely happened since the kids were born is very much what I needed right now. Just affirmation that this is the ADHD (like others on the site, I deal with some other behaviours that I'm not sure are ADHD, but for me, the problems we have right now really do seem to stem from it). I also appreciate your advice, from experience, about working to fix this first. Ideally, I will give him an ultimatum (because he is refusing counselling - both couples and individual right now) that we get help or I leave and he will choose the help. But without some outside help, we are on a really scary downward spiral right now. Thanks again for helping me re-focus my plans.
I'm Glad This Helps
Submitted by kellyj on
And I will have to admit this to you or anyone else who reads this. If I had not been pushed literally, by failing twice in my two marriages (even with my ex-wives issues...but my choices!!!! ) I may have stayed comfortably ignorant and in denial indefinitely. What I had to come to in myself was a point where I wanted to have a partner to share my life with ( the good and the bad)...more than I wanted to float mindlessly down stream. I made a conscious choice and then committed myself to it come Hell or High Water. lol But it came at a cost and a good deal of pain to get me there. That's why I can say that it is possible. I wish I could say I did this on my own before going through all that I did but that's the journey I'm on. Tell your hubby that this time.....this is not something that he will be able to fix all on his own. I say this because I am notorious for trying to do everything myself. It definitely is my nature and I'm more than a little stubborn at times in this way except.....when it comes to managing my ADHD. When I hit that overwhelmed feeling with one wheel spinning in the ditch...I know it's time to reach out and ask for some help. Not for anything else...I've found that oversimplifying things and slowing things down ( tackling just one thing at a time ) and staying on it until I get that thing down before moving on to the next thing without time pressure or limits has proven to work well for me. Speed comes later ( to ,myself..... speed comes later, speed comes later, speed comes later ha ha ) Which it usually does in time. This goes counter to how I am in most other ways so that in itself has been something I've had to learn to do....or not do??? Anyway.....it works. lol Good luck
J
Yes, with children it is wor
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
My H was in total denial that he had no "parenting skills" and that his instincts were so self-serving that they "hurt" the kids.
My father in law also had ADHD, so H's father set a bad example.
No tolerance for "kid noise". No tolerance for "age appropriate behavior."
My solution was to encourage H to be away from home as much as possible....work lots of over-time, go to the gym a lot, play a lot of golf.....just kept H away from home and the kids as much as possible.
I don't recommend divorcing just to keep the kids away unless he's being abusive. Encourage your H to just be away from home pursuing his hobbies or working.
As I Read Your Post....
Submitted by kellyj on
Some not so good memories came back to me when I was growing up that resonated with me. My father too suffered from the two things you mentioned : intolerance to noise and unrealistic expectations of me as a child...to not be a child! In reality....when he was home and tired from work...he simply didn't want to be inconvenienced and I was that for him many times in those situations. He did not have ADHD however and sensitivities to noise I understand are common with people who do. I say that I understand this only from reading this or being told this by health care professionals. I don't have ANY sensitivities like this at all, but I do have other things related to my ADHD that I know very well could fall into the same classification that do affect me negatively....saying, I can relate to something I have very little choice in terms of "sensitivities". I actually now believe that my (now deceased) Dad was PTSD from childhood trauma. I think this truly is more likely the case with him but...he was also a full blown Narcissist which was a lot more damaging to me growing up than anything else I experienced with him. Be that as it may.....I do have many fond memories of my Dad since he was extremely reliable and responsible along with everything else. I definitely could count on him for things I could not from my mother...bless her heart.
Having said that...my mother with all good intent but yet, having her own Neurotic and somewhat obsessive need to over protect me from him at times took it upon herself to shield me from her perception of harm which included my DAD. In a strange twist to this dysfunctional situation, my father actually saved me more from my Mom than she did from him in the end as it played out over time. Between the two of them "warring" over me and their disagreements in many areas of "Safe" child rearing......that in itself was far worse than either one of their personal issues alone. In the end....it was my father who would step in and put his hand up to my Mom when her behaviors started to become intrusive to me because he could see how limiting she was attempting to be with me especially when it came to some more risky or dangerous activities that I enjoyed and wanted to pursue ie: dirt bikes, scuba diving, guns ( skeet), skiing, snow camping and mountaineering etc..too many to list. Despite his personal issues which were arguably...not good ones. He actually saved me from my Mom which served me more than anything else I can think of in terms of life skills and experience. These activities later became the very outlet for socialization and skill learning that have had the most direct and positive influence on my ability to cope and my capacity for dealing with stress and managing my ADHD now later in life...as well as becoming a lifelong passion and outlet for some of the greatest times and memories that I have that continue to this day even if only on occasion and a limited basis.
My point being that between the two of them and the over reactions or over compensating for the other was really more a problem for me than either one of their issues dealing with them one on one. This trying to protect me from each other was the real problem and only caused more harm than good. The problem for me was I could see clearly the problem with the two of them better than they could see this themselves and that was the source of the real abuse in my family for me. I didn't want to have anything to do with either one at times....there were no "good guys" in this mix only more problems for me to deal with and having ADHD meant....what I really needed were less problems rather than more which only exacerbated my ADHD. It ended up being divisive and putting me in the middle. All I wanted was the two of them to leave me alone more often than not which for the most part...is what ended up happening. Me....getting away and doing pretty much everything I wanted to do in the first place but with friends who shared similar interests and who's parents were on board with these activities...in many cases...did these activities with us too. Many times......I would never even tell my parents of the great days I had because I knew what that would cause in response to this. I never was critically injured as my mother feared and my father missed many opportunities to possibly join me instead of never knowing all the things that I learned to do without him.
I have no way of knowing your particular situation so please don't infer that I am implying that this is your case but...your comments elicited these memories and feelings in me as I read it.
J