This is just bizarro world. We've been together for 5 years. Been through many sessions of couples therapy and have made a lot of progress, and lately it's been all success stories. We had been really happy lately. An old conversation/issue escalated in the last week - and I will admit that the peak of the escalation was my fault - but that was it for him. With all the compromises and accommodations I've made in our relationship for rsd, negative adhd behaviors, all the disrespectful mistakes made in the name of adhd, all the room I've left for being imperfect and still lovable. I've made two mistakes in the last 5 years, one recently, and he has made at least two dozen extremely hurtful ones in that time, and the compassion and forgiveness I get is basically nothing. It was like a light switch. We were doing really well, made so much progress, and an unresolved issue came up, and now it's my fault for addressing it. I didn't address it in the way I should have, I admit that. But it's like I'm expected to be perfect in this partnership, give everything, and also expected to give him all the forgiveness in the world for his behavior. There has been no reaching across the table and loving me through hard times. I don't understand. I'm very confused. I've tried so hard for him and would continue to fight for our relationship if he was willing. But he says it's too much effort to be mindful in the relationship and he'll never be the partner I'm looking for. Despite the adhd complications in our relationship, he is such a beautiful person and I've loved him more than I've loved anyone else in my life. I feel so unloved and unwanted and rejected - and also so unappreciated for everything I've given and sacrificed through our relationship. One day I'm sure I will realize this is for the better. But at the moment, I'm just so hurt. I feel like he doesn't even care.
Adhd partner broke up with non-adhd me…what does that say about me?
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 01/20/2024.
Won't change
Submitted by adhd32 on
Accept that this is the real person and all the accommodations you have made in the past will continue ad nauseum if you stay together. Best to find out now then 20 years in. More years and worn out from all the accommodations that get piled on and harder to accept without bitterness taking over. Live for yourself, he is already is living for himself.
Breakups are so difficult!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK on
I'm sorry you're feeling such pain, and it's understandable.
I broke up with my partner a couple months or so ago, and it was similar in some ways even though I did the breaking up... in that he too had reached a breaking point. There is a huge conundrum between an adhd/add partner and the non... and that is, they are fundamentally incompatible in many cases simply because of the neurodivergent issues. It's not about love, or who is the good partner and who is the bad partner, although it's tempting to view it that way. The partners are different neurologically, and one has a disability. It is a disability. As a non, we can acknowledge that on some level but truly believe that the disability can and "should" be overcome, because our way is "objectively" better, it's obvious! But disability doesn't work that way. I've gained some insight into that by working with my own "faulty" brain wiring... I am very sensitive (HSP) and I also suffer from misophonia (hatred of sound, literally). My struggles with this have helped me to see things from another perspective. I'll elaborate.
The way my brain functions, whether anyone can sympathize, empathize, understand or believe, is that certain sounds provoke an instantaneous, visceral, emotional reaction completely "inappropriate" to the situation. It is overwhelming and an emergency situation inside my body. Physiologically unbearable. The sound of nail clippers, perhaps. Or a candy wrapper. Or someone chewing. All innocuous stuff to a "normal" person without misophonia.
I also am so hypersensitive to noise it can become very triggering and painful... I have to be vigilant to protect my ears from higher decibels and noisy chaotic environments. If I don't, fight or flight kicks in and the activity becomes torture for me. It limits my life.
The emotional response is intense anger or overwhelm and an intense need to make the noise stop! Or despair that crushes me. I stifle a scream, or feel the need to cry. Absolutely absurd, but real and uncontrollable. UNCONTROLLABLE. Invisible. And SO REAL.
(ADHD peeps often have sensory issues leading to overwhelm, as well, it's very common. But sensory issues can exist outside of diagnosis, as in cases of trauma, etc).
There are a number of things I can do to try to cope, both for myself and for the innocent person making the noise (in the case of misophonia) or the innocent normal person accompanying me in a loud environment. But it never goes away. It can become worse with stress or exhaustion, even hormones I think. But it never goes away. It dictates certain aspects of my life.
I can imagine having an issue like that in several facets of my life.... I can imagine having a non-sensical overwhelming response in my brain to the most innocuous stimuli. I can imagine a problem like this with Time, or with Performing Tasks, or with any number of things that an adhd person struggles with.
I have experienced the offense of those around me to my uncontrollable physiological responses. I have been accused of being hateful, difficult, controlling, unpleasant, too sensitive, all kinds of negative characterizations of my personality and character and it is absolutely gutting. It causes feelings of isolation and being deeply, irreparably flawed sometimes.
Over the years, I learned about my condition and ways to cope. Something very important is that I recognize it is not my fault, and that I deserve to live and be comfortable like anyone else. I can't control environments or people, but I have been able to communicate with everyone close to me and gain support and compassion. So it's much better than it could be, and no one is judging me although they really and truly are baffled by it. I do many things to help myself, make a lot of effort on my end and still it sucks. The people around me get it and I'm fortunate. But it's only one area.... sound. What if it were several? It would be so discouraging.
My point in all this? Adhd partners experience constant rejection and judgement, correction and admonishment for things that we can only try to imagine the difficulty of, for them. It's an invisible condition... anyone who has had a traumatic brain injury might relate to being unable to meet "normal" expectations because the brain DOES NOT COMPUTE or makes extreme errors in computing. I've been there, too. Imagine every single day of your whole life like that.
My non-diagnosed adhd ex (with whom I am now platonically involved with) is genuinely a pretty happy guy. He does not have the same discontent and negative feelings about his lifestyle and traits as I do! It works pretty good for him, and that's something I have to accept and respect and even find grace for if I am to relate with him at all.
This idea that adhd people can and SHOULD fix themselves to be what we want them to be only goes so far! Yes, in a relationship two people must grow and accommodate the needs of their partners, and the relationship, to a certain extent. But when it comes to an actual issue within the functioning of the brain, it's exhausting for both to try to meet expectations of a non-adhd partner. In many cases, not worth it for either party. And it's certainly the responsibility of either party to recognize incompatibility and make decisions accordingly, even if it's tough. That IS the morally correct choice in my opinion. Because every human does have a right to exist autonomously, and if that impacts other people then they certainly have choices to make and consequences to render (like leaving, boundaries, etc. Moral responses do not include emotional abuse, insisting that someone change into what we want, or any other controlling response. We are only entitled to control ourselves and our own choices and way of life no matter how justified we may feel, we are not entitled to dictate the terms of someone else's existence. Tough lesson to learn!)
There are many here who are extremely judgemental, bitter, angry, sad, and regretful that they wrestled with the symptoms of adhd in their ex for a very long time and they never changed. And they will say that they deserved better from their partner. That their partner certainly could have and should have done better. What do they know? They have expectations that are not in line with the reality, clearly. They make it a character issue when it's a brain issue that they cannot even begin to empathize with because their brains don't operate the same way. They expect all this change and can't accept that the adhd can't do better. Objectively, the behaviors are damaging, so the adhd person SHOULD do better, right? It borders on absurd, on the non's part. Someone with an amputated leg should walk, run, and stand like a two legged person, and if they don't, they are not trying hard enough! There's prosthetics! There's pain medication for the stump leg! There's endless hours of physical therapy to teach them to walk and run in a way that can keep up! I need them to keep up so they should clearly be able to! They can learn to stand in a stable way, because I need them to. I need that person to function in a way that they are not able to, so surely they are obliged to make that happen. Right? Of course, because life would be so much better if they could function like a two legged person. It's a two legged person's world. How's that work for the disabled person? It's awful. Unimaginable.
I'm not saying that's you, with those expectations. But what I've learned by reflecting on my own relationship with a non diagnosed adhd man... it's horrible for them. And horrible for us. It's all on a spectrum, it's a spectrum disorder. But it is a miserable situation for the neurodivergent person, not just the non.
So there comes a time when one or the other has to accept that the pain outweighs the good. If things were going great and your adhd guy had begun to relax, enjoy, and find hope for happiness, and something exploded out of the past to remind him that "NOPE, you still suck and not even when it's seemingly good between us will you be good enough!", well.... everybody had a breaking point and it's not necessarily anyone's fault. Maybe no one is bad. Maybe it's tragic incompatibility.
My ex and I agreed to eliminate the areas of contention. That means not cohabiting, not engaging on the level of sexual intimacy and the natural expectations around that, not having the kind of dynamic that requires he or I be different than who we are. Its easy to think that a person should morph into what we need them to be, and be thankful for the opportunity to be with us because we are such Gteat, Loving, Wonderful Partners! But apparently the adhd partner doesn't agree, and their opinions matter as much as ours. There is a chasm between us. If a bridge can be built, it will mean dropping a ton of expectations. My adhd partner also had to drop the expectation that he can have access to me on the level of a girlfriend! I had to create that boundary. He doesn't have a warm body at home for him, and he's ok with that because the conflict was too high. He has to drop the expectation that I would morph into not needing what I need, it's almost hilarious. He was waiting for me to be something I am not, as well... and he had recognize that I can never be as easygoing, tolerant, and content as he'd like because my needs are worlds-away different than his.
Anyway, my point... I can empathize deeply with you, but also am able to empathize with a neurodivergent at least enough for it to make sense to me as a sad, but understandable outcome. Empathy and understanding extended toward my ex, and toward myself, has allowed us to change the trajectory and fundamental terms of our relationship as co-grandparents and affectionate friends. I could not have raised children with him and I wouldn't have attempted to. I'd have left and been a single mother rather than bang my head against the wall trying to get him to change. I don't do long-term misery, and I dont give another person the power and opportunity to ruin my life. Been there, done that with an abusive husband and I raised my kids myself eben though it was hard, because Im not here to be a victim and live under someone else's control! I've co-parented after divorce with an abuser... not fun but better than having my entire life dictated by their dysfunction.
My adhd ex and I can be in each other's lives in a positive way by changing the expectations. That isn't possible for a marriage or live-in relationship and that truly doesn't need to be anyone's fault... its just like trying to house a goldfish and a parakeet in the same enclosure. One would drown, or one would suffocate out of water. It is what it is and what makes it a problem is resisting that.
I don't know if reconciliation is on the table for you two... adhd can bring a LOT of impulsivity. One day at a time. I hope you find all the support you need to heal during this very painful time! I did a lot of therapeutic stuff for myself... meditations, tapping, my spiritual journey, venting, grieving. Take good care of you.
I'm sorry
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Breakups are so hard. Give yourself time to grieve. There has to be room for mistakes in relationships on both sides and if you can't speak out once in a while in a less than perfect way, that's unsustainable. I really don't think this says anything about you - this is about him and where he's at and what he's able to handle. If you gave this your all and this is where it ended up, you did all you could reasonably do and the rest of the control is in his hands. Having been through a 20 year relationship like this, I honestly think relationships, even when you really love someone, shouldn't be this hard... requiring tons of therapy, accomodation, and forgiveness of disrespect as you describe (I've been exactly there too!). It's a terrible feeling when someone you have been so close to goes cold like this and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Six months from now, you'll probably be in a much better place, but I know that's not a lot of consolation now. Hugs and support and go easy on yourself.
Thank you
Submitted by janem (not verified) on
Thank you so much, this really helped me.
Thank you
Submitted by janem (not verified) on
Thank you so much, this really helped me.
Relationships...It's not suppose to be so hard?
Submitted by c ur self on
What you will find out if you read here for any length of time, is case after case like your's, mine, and many many more who come here...Pouring out our hearts, and asking the unending question of Why? The answer to our why is so unfulfilling, so hopeless to comfort....We usually reject it....
In the despairing words that bleed from your heart, ly's this cold and uncomforting truth, the truth about where so many of us have spent big portions of our lives being subjected to it's cruel reality...Two minds that come together both craving the created design for relational unity is one of the most awesome experience's we as human's are blessed to experience...So many of us work at it harder than we would ever work at anything else...But this huge bolder (mental/emotional illness) continue's in our paths, no matter how many trails we hack out attempting to clear a path around it....
The most successful one's seem to be the one's who resign themselves (accept) to the great divide...This is your reality; This my reality; and they can only touch in peaceful moments here, and here and maybe here at times...This life of boundaries is never good enough for many, who demand someone like them...
I'm that guy...I have a wife who's comfort of life is sporadic, independent, without structure, which would be completely tiring and dysfunctional for my mind...Just as mine probably seems boringly repeatable and something unwanted and unattainable for her mind...
So we touch in unity in those moments where it is possible, those precious moments of calmness...It might be me brushing her hair back and kissing her at the coffee pot in the morning...It might be her touching my hand as we drive somewhere together...And on rare occasions we can make it through a love making sessions w/o a loud proclaiming of disdain or victim comment...It's always a risk, the risk of an unfiltered mind, who will at times throw out a comment of negativity, or disdain for the least little bit of energy she is supplying that isn't dopamine producing for her...The wise will expect it, and learn to not take offense, as if it was warranted, or had anything to do w/ ourselves, but simply ignore it, because when we do, it's usually as fleeting as the wind...(mental/emotional illness)
People who can't live and let live, people who are incapable of self entertainment, and people who demand life and marriage be Normal, will suffer...Am I content with the product of my marriage? I'm content knowing we have reached the epitome of what is possible and peace be had for us both....
Blessings to you Janem...
c
Janem - the break up
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi - I hear your pain about this breakup and I hope you get the space and support you need to grieve the loss of what you had hoped would be an improved relationship.
It sounds as if the effort that both of you were making was exceptional and that you were making progress. However, that your partner decided that they didn't wish to continue to have to make so much effort. The breakup isn't about you, per se...it is probably about longing for a life in which one can just 'be myself' and not have to make all that effort. That is an understandable goal.
The "I'm never going to be good enough for you" comment is a common one from ADHD partners and reflects how hard it can before them to address the relationship desires of their neurotypical partners. At some point, the effort may be more than they wish to make. It also may reflect feelings about themselves - can they sustain this effort? Do they always wish to feel they are being evaluated? Are they getting the positives they seek? (Respect, admiration, adoration, acceptance...). Most people don't want to just be able to be okay in a relationship - they want to feel appreciated, respected and loved. It may be that the positives between you didn't compensate for the effort it was taking to stay together.
You mention all of the adjustments that you had to make in order to make the relationship work, and that they cost you, as well. Holding those things as adjustments you are making for your partner, vs. learning to accommodate ADHD in the relationship (if that is what you are doing) may indicate that there were deeper issues for you.
Love is not all you need (to misquote the Beatles)...you also need a life together that feels comfortable...and you may not have been able to reach that for either of you, if you look at things honestly (there is a reason that you lost it, and that he responded as he did...look underneath).
My best wishes to you.
Melissa