Hello everyone. I have been married to my ADHD wife for four years and we have an 18 month old daughter together. She was diagnosed as a child and only temporarily tried medication. We have both always acknowledge her ADHD, but I am only now beginning to understand it. Our relationship is quite stereotypical among the stories I have read so far. I was simply her sole focus when we met. I am active duty military and was making a cross country move for my job three months after we started dating; so I brought her with me and we moved in together. We were married a year after that. Two years later, our daughter was born. I supported the household financially while she stayed at home. We eventually fell into a pattern you are all probably familiar with, she would spend money impulsively, constantly lose her keys, leave things laying around the house; while I nagged her more and more and became more angry and frustrated. Nonetheless, we continued on. There are many things we do well as a couple which lead me to believe that we have good marriage overall. Our sex life has slowed, but I had been in a prior failed marriage and our sex life is better than the one in my prior marriage, so it never set off a red flag to me. We do a great job of parenting and discuss major life decisions before moving on them. We had our hurdles, but managed.
One of the major decisions we made together was for me to leave the military. We are both from the same general area, so once our daughter came into the world, we decided it was time for a career change that would allow me to spend more time and home as well as allow us to raise our daughter closer to our families. I still had a nine month deployment ahead of me that I already had orders for. My position requires me to travel a lot, even when I'm at my home station, but never more than four weeks at a time. I typically was gone about 10-14 days consecutively once per month. We decided that we would purchase a home near our families, and my wife and daughter would move there to be near them during my deployment. When the deployment was complete and my military time over, I would move in and we would start a chapter in life we had been working toward for years.
Everything went well for the first four months; we got to talk on the phone or video chat almost daily, we were sending one another notes and gifts, and she had begun spending time with my sister almost daily. After the holidays, she planned a two week visit to a female friend of hers in another state. Her friend went through a pretty ugly divorce about the time we were pregnant with our daughter. It was this time that she became very distant with me. It was almost if it happened over night. She was no longer the giving person to me she once was. She came back home and her family noticed it too. They tried planning events and including her in things to get her out. She stopped interacting with my sister. She planned another week to visit her friend.....This would be about seven months in to my deployment.
The night that she made it back to her friend's place she informed me over the phone that she was no longer "in it" and was thinking of taking our daughter and starting a new life out of state. He one week trip has now become five. I'm half way around the world and have no ability to actually talk to her face to face. Her family is as consfused as I am. Her father has become my best friend during this ordeal. I haven't really let my family know anything out of my wanting to protect her. She sited my increasing anger, our bickering, and our diminishing sex life as reasons why the marriage is "unhealthy" It was a marriage I would consider to need some improvement in some areas, but would never use the word "unhealty". She said it was an unhealthy environment to raise our daughter in as well. I found out that our mortgage hadn't been paid in two months. She seems to have simply made up her mind this is what she is going to do, without regard for anyone else.
Since she gave me this news, I have been researching relationship issues with every free moment I can. I ran across the ADHD correlation and the more I read about it; the more I felt like I was reading about my wife and I. I finally brought it up to her. I wrote her a letter exclaiming my excitement that I thought I was on to something and the best part was that neither of us was to blame. If we addressed the ADHD symptoms, we stood a chance of really addressing the majority of the grievances in the marriage. She responed by taking offense to it and by telling me getting treatment would be changing who she is; just because she loses her keys a lot doesn't mean there's anything deeper to understand. I still have about a month and a half before I am home and get to see her again.
From hearing many of your experiences, she manages daily life better than many with ADHD. I think I overwhelmed her with the responsiblity of a new house and a toddler while being gone so long. There may be issues outside of the ADHD as well; I'm starting to think she feels resentment for me deploying. I really thought that I had it all when I got on the plane. Thinking about my wife, daughter, and the future life we had put the foundation down for was really helping me keep my spirits high while away. Suddenly, it's as if she is trying to leave her life completely behind and start a new one. Does ADHD have a part in her making such a drastic impulse decision? If so, to what extent is it driving her? I still want the wife, daughter, home, and life I thought I had. What are some effective ways to approach her and our situation?
This doesn't sound great. Is
Submitted by smilingagain on
This doesn't sound great. Is there a man in the other state?
I have adhd and I can't fathom your wife's actions. If she actually would leave you now, without really trying to make it work and to give your child the chance to grow up in an intact family, then this is a tough case.
it sounds like she is either completely immature and selfish OR there is much more to this story and you were more angry than you've indicated here.
if it is the former, you are probably out of luck. If it is the latter, there may be hope if you go home ASAP, and ask her to give you and the relationship a sincere shot for your daughter. Admit your own faults. Resolve to work on your own self. You can't tell me the military hasn't left you with issues. So maybe turn some of your scrutiny inwards during this process. Blaming her and her adhd symptoms as the sole cause is not accurate, nor is it helpful to you in this situation.
I am sure the adhd is contributing to lots of issues. But this is not the time to target that. She has indicated she is considering leaving you. You aren't even in the home. Your interactions, if you want a shot with her, should not include you telling her she needs therapy and her symptoms caused your anger. That may be true. But you will have a better shot with, 'I am sorry for my anger in the past. I know it was unacceptable and there is no excuse. I really want you to give me the chance to adjust to a non-military life and to see if I can take the intensity down a little. I love you and I am sorry if things in the marriage have been disappointing. I want to make it work. I love you. Please give me a chance to work on these things and give our family a real shot'.
that is my best advice, although it may not be enough if she is fixated on another person or having an affair.
good luck to you.
ADHD wife,
Submitted by pathfinder on
ADHD wife,
If there is another man, she is keeping that from me. I'm not sure I'm in a position to hear that until I get home if it is the case. The family members and close family friends all find her actions equally strange. I'm not sure what you mean when you say the military has left me with issues. If you are referring to my marriage, then yes, the time I have been required to be away has added to the relationship strain. If you are referring to personally, you may have some misconceptions about what we all do. My career has never put me in a position to witness death and destruction or fear for my safety.
Below are additional details I thought may be helpful in understanding the whole situation:
I am 32 and she is 30 years of age.
My wife and her mother were very close. A year after moving out of state with me, her mother passed away. This was also a month before our wedding. Her father and good friend of her mother, has expressed that moving back home has forced her to deal with the loss of her mother. Though it has been a few years, perhaps the distance helped her avoid her grief. My wife has expressed to me that being home is not the same without her.
She has wanted to go home for a while. I wanted to stay in the military through this deployment in order to improve our finances and give us a "safety net" as I made a career transition. I was very adamant about reaching our savings goal. It was very attainable and she assured me that I could relax and she would take care of it. At this point I'm pretty certain we won't come close.
Shortly after her mother passed, she began having anxiety attacks and got on medication. They lasted about six months and subsided. As my deployment came near, she started experiencing mild anxiety attacks again.
She witnessed marital problems with her parents as an adolescent. They worked through it, but she didn't believe her mother was ever really happy afterwards. I don't know if that is actually the case or not.
Thank you for the advice. With new perspective comes encouragement for me.
Hi there!
Submitted by smilingagain on
I just wanted to say that I am sorry if I offended you with my comments about the military. I don't know you at all, obviously, so I certainly don't know whether you have issues... but all of the military families who I know (about 8) have stresses associated with that- either the family separation issue or personal issues (PTSD, depression, substance abuse, etc) for the person who was in the military if they were in combat or in a war zone...
You asked for suggestions about how to approach your wife in this situation. In my opinion, her behaviour sounds very unlikely for a young mother... I understand a young mother being overwhelmed and deciding to leave her husband in situations where there is a lot of conflict and you can foresee that it isn't going to work. that's kind of the situation of Lauren on the forum... and I totally get it from how she talks about her situation.
What I don't understand in this scenario though, is why your wife would make these choices now- when there is not a lot of conflict in the home (you aren't there to have conflict with). Even if I were terribly unhappy and uncertain about the future and of the view that the relationship likely would not work, I would at least wait for my partner to come home and give it a real chance to see whether things could be improved before making a decision that would impact my kid for the rest of their life. And I think the vast majority of mothers would do the same. I don't think you have to stay in a bad relationship where you are unhappy for the kids. But I do think you have to give it enough of a chance to conclude that it is bad and that you are unhappy.
As I said, it sounds like there is more going on here. In my last post, I mentioned that it sounded like either your wife was immature/selfish (and possibly having an affair) OR perhaps things were worse than you indicated and you were actually playing a much larger role in this than you indicated (or perhaps are aware of).
I still think those are both possibilities. However... I think the third possibility, raised by JJ, sounds the likeliest now that you've added more facts...Your wife is completely overwhelmed. And when people with ADHD get overwhelmed, the wheels start to fall off a bit... you see irrational decisions being made, just to get out of immediate discomfort or pain... If you click on my user name and read through my posts- you will see that my husband was threatening to divorce me in October. This was not really what he wanted, but I think he was not able to cope with the stress he was under (job transition) and the marriage was under strain (he had been awful for months and I was not happy with him) and he just had this massive tantrum and totally freaked out. It was too painful at the time for him to admit fault and it was easier on his pThissyche for him to turn it around and blame me for everything he was feeling. This could be your wife's version of that. She is likely tired, lonely, sad, overwhelmed, bored at times... and she is likely thinking, "is this my life, then? Is this how it'll be?". People with adhd are not great at remembering that this too shall pass. When we have an emotion, it feels permanent. But this time period (small child, husband not around, not a lot of help or friends), is very short. If she leaves you now, she may have some immediate positive changes to that equation (moving closer to her support network, not having to deal with the conflict between you at the moment), BUT she has not considered the long-term negative changes. Your child will have to shuffle around between homes, you will all have less money (maintaining two homes), there will likely be more conflict about that and possibly litigation if she wants to move away and you don't want that... I don't think she has thought things through. She probably just feels very unhappy and is not sure why. She's probably blaming the marriage and her location... but honestly- having small children is just a tremendously taxing, stressful time period...
Here is my best advice... and what worked with my husband at the end of the day... I changed my role in our dynamic and focussed on taking my intensity way down and not taking his bait. For 2 years he had been threatening to leave, swearing at me, being awful and ridiculous. I would usually either cry and beg and plead (Don't leave me!) or to yell and storm and stomp (How Dare you treat me like this!) or to just withdraw icily (Fine! You want it that way?). All of these reactions are sane, normal reactions to someone treating you like a steaming pile of dogshit. But they weren't helpful reactions, and they weren't getting us anywhere.
Once I firmly grasped that this behavior was NOT personal (although it felt like it) and that it was a sign of my husband really floundering in his life, I was able to tone down my reactions and that helped tremendously. My emotional reactions to his bad behaviour made him more sure that I was the problem. It gave him the ammo he needed to continue unloading on me and to think it was justified and two-sided... But when his bad behaviour stands alone and I extend a calm, gracious answer (hard for me- I have adhd too!) then he has no one to push against and things don't escalate. AND- he oftentimes realizes he owes me an apology and gives it without me even saying a word. AND- since I am not jumping all over him for every snappy comment, they are happening less, because he has a chance to work on it without feeling henpecked.
The turning point on this was the last time he threatened to leave: I said calmly "Well. I obviously don't want you to do that. I love you. The kids love you. I would prefer we were a family. But if you choose to leave me and leave the family, then that's your choice. I'll always take care of the kids regardless- so they will be fine and I will be fine. I will work with you so it can be as painless as possible for them and you can see them as much as you want.". By then, I had done everything else and I was so miserable that him leaving didn't seem all that devastating compared to what I was living with daily. But it jolted him out of his self-pity and I think it reminded him that I don't NEED him. I want him to stay- but frankly- enough is enough. Time to piss or get off the pot. I am not going to be held hostage by all this crap anymore. Since then- my husband has not threatened to leave once and he has been way better in all his behaviour.
If this is a life crisis for your wife, she may come through it and all may be well- if you can give her a little space to freak out and keep control of your own emotions. That's all you can control. I suggest leaving the ADHD aside. It may make you feel better to identify a suspected cause- but putting this to her will feel like blame and a lack of validation as to her feelings (you're not unhappy- you're fucked up!). You may well be right about all the ADHD stuff... but she isn't in a position to hear it right now and it will not help the immediate situation.
Try your best not to take this personally. Back off all criticisms of your wife for the time being and focus on your won behaviour. Let your wife know you love her and you miss her, you appreciate she is feeling overwhelmed right now and you want to help make it better for her. If you can convince her to wait until you get home (and make that as quick as you can), then you can focus more on improving things when you get back.
My very best to you. I know how hard this is and how upsetting. It's worth fighting for, though. So I commend you for all your efforts to understand this and get perspective.
Very useful perspective.
Submitted by pathfinder on
I really appreciate your well thought response. I looked at some of your previous posts, as well as Lauren's, and saw parallels. It's not easy, but I am sticking with the positives in our interaction. Some days it feels like we are creeping toward a middle ground and some days it doesn't. I will have a lot of down time in the month after I return. I'm planning now to concentrate my efforts then.
You said you don't understand why she decided to make these choices now. That is definitely the most perplexing detail of the whole situation. Being in my position, I had to submit a resignation packet six months before my military separation......deal with the red tape. She said she didn't want to give me this news while I'm gone, but fully expected me to continue my military career with them out of the picture......on a whim. I think that really illustrates what you said about her not thinking about long term implications of her decision making. In her head, we are to go our separate ways, and everything will be fine.
I THINK YOU MAY HAVE ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION
Submitted by kellyj on
I have the impulsive/hyperactive type of ADHD and my impulsivity is and was more related to doing things in the moment ie: making quick buying decisions or unscheduled stops at a friends or family members home....things people might otherwise call "spontaneous". Major life decisions like the ones you're talking about in virtually every point in my life I will usually obsess over for months before making.......even to the point of being unable to make a decision at all. At least for me this is the case.
I think you may have answered your own question when you said, " I think I overwhelmed her with the responsibility of a new house and a toddler while being gone so long. "
Out of everything you said....this sounds like the most obvious possibility without knowing anything else. I might change the wording to something more like; " I can completely understand why you might feel the way you do with all the stresses you have coming at you right now...a new baby, a new house, the stresses of moving, your mother dying and me being gone so much and not being able to help take some of this stress off your hands.......who wouldn't be stressed out? Obviously, the panic attacks would point to this fact as well .... you must be overwhelmed ." I'd approach her like that and see what she says.
I'd also say adding her ADHD symptoms onto this pile would probably not be a good idea at this time. Just say'in
All that's left
Submitted by pathfinder on
Thank you JJ. I sent out many messages to our family members that she could really use help with things around the house while I was gone; or maybe just someone to watch the baby while she decompressed. Many came through, but I don't know if anyone did to the degree she may have been hoping for or expecting.
I think you're right about what you said. There are probably a multitude of contributing factors to this situation: some I realize, some I don't. It is nice to have some outside perspective point out what I should, but don't notice. Thank ya'll.
You're Welcome
Submitted by kellyj on
ditto
gave it a try
Submitted by pathfinder on
Well, I gave your approach a try. She responded with "its not just that, there are some other things as well". She doesn't seem willing or ready to tell me what the "other things" are at this time, but apologized for being so closed off. I will be home in a month give or take a day or two now. Some details are coming to light regarding the conflict she has faced with her family when she told them her thoughts on leaving me and moving out of state.....just my suspicion as to what the "other things" may be. They're quite opposed to both. Her father has already taken the approach you suggested, and probably has the best communication with her at the current time. His understanding of how her symptoms have effected her on an individual level have probably had a lot to do with that. He has shared some of that with me. Self esteem is a big issue. She said she may go back home for her father's birthday in a few weeks; that could have a big impact depending on how her siblings treat her. I have been paying more compliments, and getting positive responses from that as well.
Good Luck
Submitted by kellyj on
The waiting for the answer must be rough. At least you got her to tell you that much. At least your coming across as the reasonable one with her family and it's nice to hear that my advise was confirmed by her father too. I get nervous about giving other people marital advise but it did seem kind of an obvious place to start. Good luck....hope things work themselves out well for you no matter which way it goes. Take care.
falling further
Submitted by pathfinder on
Well, here's where we are now. I checked our bank account online to find she paid rent on an apartment in this new state. I asked her about it and she admitted to me that she signed a short term lease. I don't know how many months she signed it for. She told me this is what makes her happy and is what she wants. She apologized for the money, saying she thought she would have a job by now, but didn't. I'm not sure how she got the lease in the first place being unemployed. She also said that she is seeing someone, although that wasn't the case when she went there. She gave me a new phone number to reach her at too. This was a couple of days ago and the only interaction I've had with her is to pass a few "I love you"s to my daughter. She tries striking up conversation with me, but I'm less interested in that after hearing this latest news. I thought I might have been making progress until I made this discovery. I realize, at this point its time to shift my focus on protecting myself and my assets. The following sequence of events span a four and a half month period and are absolutely baffling to me:
1. She goes on vacation and decides she's happier there.
2. Within two weeks of return, informs her family she is considering leaving me and moving 700miles away; they object.
3. March: leaves behind her home, husband who isn't even in the home, belongings, and family; ignoring all financial obligations to said home and belongings and takes our daughter 700 miles away. Thinking she has everything planned out.
4. Starts looking for employment, despite finding none, enters an apartment lease putting us in financial jeopardy while I try to catch up on the bills she ignored from January - March.
5. Begins a relationship with someone while her husband is overseas and our young daughter is in tow.
Granted, there are two sides to every story. My perception in certainly skewing my wording. What I can't understand is how obviously destructive her decision making has been. Even if from day one her intention was for divorce, why complicate the situation so much? Why exhaust our financial resources and leave us less to split up and less for the legal advise we will need? Why separate a child from one parent, taking a caring indifvidual out of her life and creating a much more complicated custody issue? My simply create circumstances that cause dissidence during an already difficult time? Is this really what being overwhelmed comes to?
I haven't completely given up at this point. I'd still like to create a stable home for my daughter more than anything in the world. My enthusiasm for making it work, however, has been drained at a furious pace.
Selfish.
Submitted by lauren07 on
Selfish.
The last thing I want is to move away from my beaches and way up north to the snow capital of the US, but that is what I'm planning for the child I share with an adhd ex. My child deserves to grow up around family and my ex has a lot of those.
I'm really sorry. I've been on the flip side of deployments. No fun bordering on devastating:/
I really hope things look up for you.
Thanks.
Submitted by pathfinder on
Thanks.
I know that the deployment has been more difficult for her to deal with than we had expected. I'm sure I underestimated the effects, as I did ADHD.
We'll see what happens in a few weeks. I'm excited to see my daughter, and feel a full spectrum of emotions in regards to coming face to face with my wife. Some hard and overdue discussions will have to be had.
Drawing near
Submitted by pathfinder on
I'm now at the point to where the focus has shifted to going home. I'll be there soon. Lately we have been speaking on the phone about twice a week, which is a big step from the messenger only communication we had for a while. She is also having regular phone conversations with one of her sisters and my sister has reported some positive text exchanges lately. She is expressing excitement for my return, however I believe that is directed toward my daughter and I being reunited. She has also spoken to her father a few times, but their conversations always result in arguments. He can't see beyond the hurt this has caused him. I'm afraid he may be a liability in my efforts to right the ship.
So much is going through my head now too. Months of personal growth and anticipation have finally lead to this. I hope I'm equipped to handle it.