Today was a good day. We got some things done, even tho I have a very nasty cold.
Tonight, while I was taking a shower, I heard all this swearing. I knew that H was feeding our dogs and that also means that our diabetic dog will get a shot right after. We had gotten a brand new Rx for the insulin today. When I heard the extensive swearing, I could only guess what had happened. H had dropped the new bottle of insulin and broke it. While still in the shower, I quickly asked what time it was hoping we could call the pharmacy before it closed. H yelled at me to "give me time" to find out the time. ?? he was in the kitchen....there is a clock on the stove and on the microwave!!!!
Then H screamed at me and asked why I wanted to know the time and I told him why. He called the pharmacy but it was too late....closed. Luckily, we still had some insulin left in the "old bottle" which has not yet expired. H came into the bathroom to YELL AT ME that the pharmacy is closed and that he did call because he always does what I want, and that I never do anything that HE wants. (omg!)
I didn't reprimand H for not being careful. I didn't scold him. I literally said NOTHING about his dropping the bottle to make him feel bad (ALTHO I have told him MANY times to ONLY handle the bottle while it's above a table or counter, so if it drops, it won't drop far and break.) We keep the bottles in a padded thermal container in the fridge, so moving the container from fridge to counter is no risk if that were to drop. . So, once I cleaned up the mess on the floor , it was obvious that H was handling the bottle over the floor (in the middle of the kitchen). I said nothing because saying anything at that point would be worthless and just make him more angry.
H gave the dog his shot using the old (but still ok) insulin, and then slammed the bedroom door. Then he came out and said that I get a reprieve for being sick, but that once I'm well, he's going to yell at me because he's still angry at something our son did over 2 years ago. (this is his old "go to" complaint that he drums up whenever he's upset.)
So....a good day is now ruined because H wasn't careful and dropped/broke the dogs insulin.
Now...of course, everyone drops things occasionally. That's why we take extra careful steps when handling special things.
But, H is frequently dropping/breaking things. Yesterday, he picked up my coffee cup and dropped it....breaking it. He has broken 1 iPad, I laptop, and 2 Tablets within 7 months....all due to clumsy behavior....dropping them, stepping on them (after he set his tablet down by the bed, he stepped on it). He has knocked the mirror off the side of his car, dented the side of our son's car by dropping a heavy object near it, dented the back of my car by backing into something, backed his own car into a mailbox, etc.
He's just not careful (his parents NEVER taught him to be CAREFUL.) (idiots!)
I knew that as soon as he dropped that insulin and the fact that I wasn't nearby to directly blame, that he would somehow change gears so that he could yell at me.....and he did.
And it continues.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm on the couch with the pets, H comes out tof the bedroom and just starts raging. there is no point of saying anything because time has proven that when he's like this, no matter what I say will get a "bad response." IF there was something to apologize about (not this time), he would just throw back the apology and say that I didn't mean it, or that I hadn't apologized for the right thing, or that I'm lying (that his favorite thing to say), etc.
He continues on and then rages that I'm not saying anything. And he says that his T says that it's cruel that I don't say anything. Well, I would be VERY HAPPY to explain to his T that I have long learned that when H is emotional there is nothing that I can say that he will accept, so it's better to just say NOTHING.
The reason is.....nothing I do or don't do will erase his deep down pain. It's there, it's always been there, and it will always be there.
Now, I've left...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
H kept coming out of the bedroom and standing over me while I'm trying to sleep on the couch....yelling and yelling. Then he went into the bedroom, blocked the door (I wouldn't go in there anyway....but he does that for "effect"), and then he proceeded to keep raging at me from the other side of the door.
Since I always keep my stuff near me, along with a tote bag that has some essentials in it, I just grabbed it and left. I could hear him still yelling while I was outside. He likely raged for several more minutes or LONGER, before opening the door to find that I'm gone. (I love that....lol .....I love the fact that when he realizes that I've left, that he knows that I didn't hear much of his nonsense.)
Well, a text just came thru, so he realizes now that I'm gone. lol. Oh well.
God I wish we could get a divorce. I really wish there was an easy way to do that without paying lawyers a ton of money, w/o ruining my business, and without losing my health benefits. Ugh. I'm like a prisoner.
I am sorry you are going
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I am sorry you are going through this. I can related to you about the having a good day and then some relatively minor thing happens and the good mood turns to anger. Like last night at our house. H had just finished cooking dinner for us and brought it out to the trays (yes we always eat in front of the tv!) Just a minute before he brought it out, I noticed our porch light was out. Also out was the light next to our garage. Both are on the same switch. Turning the switch on and off did nothing. A little over a month prior both bulbs had gone out within a few days of each other so I replaced them. I found it odd that only a month later that they would both go out on the same day. I unscrewed one of them and shook it and it didn't sound like the filament had broken. I assumed that something had gone wrong with the fuse box. H goes into the garage and starts flipping fuses. I, like an idiot, am staring at him in the garage rather than looking to see if the lights are coming on so he says "Well is anything happening?" I tell him I'm not looking. He rolls his eyes and tells me to go look. Well he goes through the fuses again and nothing happens. He goes "Did you put in a new light bulb?" I say "No I just changed them a month ago and why would they be dead already and on the same day?" Well actually I got as far as "No I just changed them..." and then he rolls his eyes and gives that exasperated sigh and comes stomping in the house and saying "Where are the light bulbs?" Doesn't give me a chance to answer before going into the bathroom and unscrewing one from in there and bringing that out to the porch. Of course it works. He says "You used the cheap ones. Get the fluorescent from now on." I go "Yes sir!" Once again I get the eye roll and "Well geez!" in a very snide voice.
All this over a damn light bulb! We sit down to eat and he knows I'm upset. I don't need to be treated like that! Then starts talking in his "Oh I'm so sorry honey" voice and making jokes about what we are watching. Why the hell does he have to go off the deep end about a light bulb? Yes I should have put a new one in to see if it worked but I didn't. Anyone else would have calmly said "You should try putting a new one in" rather than stomping around, rolling their eyes, getting upset that they had to go out into the garage and turn the fuse box on and off a few times and talking snidely to me about it! I'm sorry I delayed your dinner by 2 minutes! Next time I'll be sure to keep my mouth closed any time I find something not working and try to fix it when you aren't around!
<<
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<
Next time I'll be sure to keep my mouth closed any time I find something not working and try to fix it when you aren't around!
>>>
I can relate. Sometimes it's just much easier to say nothing around them because you never know what is going to annoy them.
My H isn' handy at all, so I hate fixing anything with him around. He usually makes things much worse because he pretends that he knows what he's doing...
Have you gone to his therapy
Submitted by pjkim2010vt@gma... on
Have you gone to his therapy sessions with him? Sounds like his therapist is causing trouble instead of helping it if he or she is making statements like that.
Do you have family that could help? Or do you talk to his family?
I'm sorry your evening turned out this way.
H will NOT let me talk to his T
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
20 years ago, H's T asked to meet me. H had bad-mouthed me so much, that the T wanted to see "for himself" how awful I was. Of course, H had painted himself to be a total angel.
We met for about 4 or 5 or so sessions. During that time, H would scream, tell me to "shut up", say that I was "smearing him," say that I was "lying", and so forth. I would calmly give examples WITH DETAILS about what was going on. This was in contrast to H's typical way of just saying, "she's been a bitch all week, " with no examples. Just a vague complaint...exaggerated for effect.
I gave examples of H's ridiculous over-reactions.
I gave examples of how if I sent H to the store for an item and if I didn't give him specific instructions as to how to find THAT item in the store, later H would complain that he couldn't find the item and it was my fault for not telling him exactly where it is in the store. However, on other occasions, when I would try to give specifics, such as , "right side of store, towards the back, in the dairy case with the yogurt, you will find......"..... Then H would get mad that I was "treating him like an idiot. I couldn't win..
I also provided examples of how much I do for H....way more than most wives.....yet H was always complaining that I don't "do enough' for him. I gave specific examples....bringing him coffee in bed every morning, laying out his work clothes, doing all his laundry, packing his suitcase for business trips, unpacking when he got back, cutting his hair, doing all his shopping for him, etc. Cooking ALL meals, bringing his filled dinner plate to him. and on and on.
In the end, the T told H that he was "needy" and that I needed to do LESS for him. T told him that I was nothing like how H had described me, and that when H gets upset, "logic goes out the window." The T told me to get the book, "codependent no more."
Since that time, H says that I turned his T against him with lies. omg. So he won't let me talk to his T's.
My sibling is a T, and she says that a T wouldn't believe him, but H swears that his T's believe that he is 100% honest
"
Darn right that's abuse. His
Submitted by AlphabetSoup on
Darn right that's abuse. His PD is--?? Guessing borderline or narcissistic. My stepmom's sister I think is an NPD without a clue. Ended up driving me out of stepmom's life so she didn't have to witness the woman she called "daughter" being constantly maligned, harassed, and abused (because nobody needs that when they're widowed for the second time and living in a nursing home).
God what horrible wounds is he running from???? FIL was that way too-- proof that you can beat the tar out of someone without ever using your fist. He was running from a lifetime of abuse from a narcissistic father and a mother who dealt with it all by pouring her heart and soul into a glass factory and otherwise checking out. It doesn't matter, the effect on you is the same. Terrible and it isn't right.
I don't suppose it will help any and it would be too little and too late if he did I guess, but I will pray that he soon decides to turn around and fight his demons instead of projecting it all onto you and then fighting the only person left in his corner.
THAT ISN'T OK, and I'm really sorry you have to put up with this crap.
Guess I should make sure I get all my demons slain before dementia starts to set in (it does in my family in the late 60s/early 70s if I live that long) and I turn into that. I don't want to do that to someone.
Story of my life
Submitted by Tizzy on
my husband is the exact same way.when he rages,nothing I say (good or bad)will get him to shut the hell up.He makes a BIG deal about the smallest thing.if anything needs fixing in our house I try my hardest to let my oldest son fix it,without my husband knowing about it.my husband is 50 years old and won't admit he has adhd.his angry outburst are ridiculous.he can't handle coping with little bumps in the road of what's called daily living.its to the point that I just nod my head in agreement with all the garbage that comes out of his mouth,just to avoid an argument that will surely lead to his raging.i have so much resentment toward him.
Hope ur cold is better....just one suggestion....
Submitted by c ur self on
What do you think would have happened if you would not have engaged his living of life? If you would have kept your mind free of caring what this adult male was doing at that moment of his life?
It's very hard to do what I just asked you to do, once you get addicted to jumping in with all the right answers for his chaotic lifestyle...
But what was the product of your input? It was in your words: A good day now ruined...
I suggest he was being loud about the accident because that is how he reacts to his misfortunes in life....Do you think possibly if you had ignored his actions and emotions and not engaged it he would have followed through and been responsible to do the right thing? Or maybe at least your day would not have been ruined? People who can't manage their own emotions love to be baled out by have someone else to blame...So the moment you had anything to say he was set free and you were placed in shackles....
Just food for thought...
That is a logical question...
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
What do you think would have happened if you would not have engaged his living of life? If you would have kept your mind free of caring what this adult male was doing at that moment of his life?
It's very hard to do what I just asked you to do, once you get addicted to jumping in with all the right answers for his chaotic lifestyle.
>>>>>
And......there likely would be a logical response if mental illness wasn't involved.
My H has a PD, along with ADHD, etc.
Therefore, when I don't "help" I get YELLED at for "not helping" or "ignoring his pain or problems" and told "what kind of loving wife ignores the pain or problems."
And. if I'm not even there (and therefore can claim ignorance), then H will call me and start yelling at me for some reason that he can grab onto.....either that it's my fault because I was away, or it's my fault because he was upset which caused his problem, and I caused him to be upset. (he will REACH for any wild-haired reason.)
One time H took our 12 month old with him to run errand. The baby had a poopy diaper and H had to change it. Shortly after that, H backed the car into a wall. H blamed....1) the poopy diaper upset him. 2) it was my fault because if I had had the baby, then he wouldn't have had to change the poopy diaper and then he wouldn't have backed up into the wall. Oh my!
In the last 2 years, anytime anything bad happens that is H's fault, he tells me that it is my fault because he was distracted because he is still upset over the incident that happened between him and our adult son (which has now become my fault....so any residual issues are also my fault)
I understand...
Submitted by c ur self on
I understand...lol...Not proud I can say that:)...
My W and your husband are so much a like in many ways, she demands attention, she will just start screaming / hollering out in pain in some other part of the house, and if I don't respond to her immediately she will come find me, and ask me if I heard her...Then she will speak her disdain about my unconcern...She's a drama Queen...(her attempt to control me)...but denies it, if I point it out....Don't get me wrong, if I hear her yelling I find her, but, I'm so use to her games...Once I find her, I calmly say Or you OK? Listen to the story of her tragedy, then go on about my business...The more I refrain from engaging negativity the more she seems to be self-aware...But, if your H is like her...You just never know when an episode is going to manifest it self...
You know what is the most tragic about this type behavior is all the denial...If she could just look inward (take ownership) just a little bit...Life would be so much better, understandings could be reached with out all the fan fair ;).....But trying to get her to own up to her actions is like talking to a wall...If I confront her calmly about her behavior she is still going to tell me why it's my fault...I've found out w/her she absolutely does not comprehend much of a conversation where emotions are stressful...
My natural tendencies is to be very engaging...But, I've really had to recognize that just wasn't going to work with her. The less I engage her the better we seem to get along....Selfishly its not my wish...I starve physically and emotionally, but, if I'm going to continue in my marriage (I am) it's better to live with my needs unmeet and be in peace vs all the chaos...
We just can't reflect their emotions!
Breaking, losing, spilling...
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
<< But, H is frequently dropping/breaking things. Yesterday, he picked up my coffee cup and dropped it....breaking it. He has broken 1 iPad, I laptop, and 2 Tablets within 7 months....all due to clumsy behavior....dropping them, stepping on them (after he set his tablet down by the bed, he stepped on it). He has knocked the mirror off the side of his car, dented the side of our son's car by dropping a heavy object near it, dented the back of my car by backing into something, backed his own car into a mailbox, etc.
He's just not careful (his parents NEVER taught him to be CAREFUL.) (idiots!) >>
OMG, my H breaks *EVERYTHING!* Literally, nothing is safe in our house. I don't even go barefoot in our place anymore, bc there is always glass on the floor. ALWAYS. I have put all of my most treasured breakables far out of his reach. He has also broken countless iphones and ipads. Even the "indestructible" cases don't seem to help, somehow. He recently visited his parents, and when they saw his broken iphone and ipad (yes, both were broken) they immediately bought him brand new ones. I know it was meant to be a nice gesture, but this was not the first time. Nor will it be the last.
In addition to breaking things, he is also a master at spilling things and misplacing things. These are always accompanied by a yelling fit, and if I don't rush to his assistance he gives me hell to pay. There was a period where he woke me up several nights in a row to help him find his belt. (Who cares about a belt at 4am??) And by wake me up, I don't mean a gentle tap. I mean I was woken up by his yelling downstairs: "Where did you hide it this time?"
I've tried the "ignore" strategy when one of his disasters happens, but it never works. Not too long ago, he was on a cereal "kick," and insisted on filling up the bowl till it was on the verge of overflowing every time. The spills were CONSTANT. So, finally, I decided to stop cleaning up after him to see if he learned anything. Within a day, every floor in the apartment was COVERED in milk and cereal. It was a veritable pig sty. I wanted to hold firm, so I let it go without clearing it up. Another day passed. The smell of old milk started to get so bad that I just couldn't stand it, and so I slept in a hotel that night. When I came back, there was even more milk and cereal on the ground. He had also slipped in the milk and hit his head while I was gone (yet he kept eating the cereal!!). So, since I obviously couldn't leave him alone, I eventually cleaned up the entire putrid mess. He was also furious at me for spending the night in a hotel. Needless to say, it was a disastrous experiment.
I just wanted to add how sorry I am that a good day for you became so soured by something like that. As you said, things break -- it happens! It shouldn't lead to a situation where you have to leave the house to keep your sanity! But, I've had the exact same scenario happen so many times. It's like living with a time-bomb.
-Red
Red, yes, we still get broken things
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Red, I'm sorry your husband seems to be in such denial about his behavior. It's something I have also dealt with, with my ADHD husband. The first 20-plus years of marriage was some of the worst times for him breaking things. He was so hard on cars, that he went through several, but always blamed it on "junky cars"....it was never HIS fault. His father used to go ballistic on him, because my husband could ruin a car in so little time.
I didn't see the extent of the all the breakage until after we were married. Every single morning was a mad scramble for the "lost keys" as well. He would wait until the last second to get ready, not be able to find anything, and then start yelling for me to help him find whatever was "lost", but mainly it was the KEYS. He would yell and scream.."Where did you hide them". I never hid them, and it always seemed ridiculous that an adult man would accuse his wife of HIDING his keys on purpose, just so he couldn't to go to work. It was ridiculous, but many people with ADHD, who are in denial of it (or don't KNOW it) will blame EVERYONE ELSE for any and all bad behaviors. I guess part if it is the damage in their brain that causes this, but then there's all the denial, upbringing, and frustration with themselves and others that causes them to not SEE their own behavior.The KEYS thing, seems some the main things all ADHD people loose, AND blame others for. It took ten years for me to get him to put his keys on a key ring holder, inside the front door. (which helped A LOT) He STILL puts his keys on the key holder and now only on RARE occasions, does he loose them.
We literally spent thousands of dollars replacing items my husband broke. But, if me or our girls broke something, he would rant and rave about US breaking whatever item it was. And, we would hear about it for weeks on end. He made such an issue of us, when HE was the one who caused a great deal of upheaval.....(most of it).But, we didn't rag on him about loosing and breaking all his things. He too, broke everything you could think of. Lawn mowers...GALORE, musical items, stereos, toys, i-pods, and anything electronic. It used to make me shiver when I would see a package that said "SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED". Because he would NEVER read the instructions and put together any and all items......upsidedown, backwards, tilted, sideways, and/or completely wrong. (and break something along the way)
Another thing was clothes. He could destroy clothing like nothing I've ever seen. My mother would buy us expensive clothing for special occasions, and EVERY single time my husband would wear a pair of pants (no matter who bought them) he would RIP them, and not just a little rip, or tearing the seam......no....he would rip a CORNER tear somewhere on the legs of the pants. I couldn't figure out HOW he was doing this. But, he did it every single time. The very first time he would wear a pair of good pants....expensive...or a new suit....or a tuxedo (for work......he is a musician) He would rip the pants or jacket and we wouldn't be able to fix them. You can't FIX a corner tear in fabric. So, we ended up throwing tons of expensive pants, jackets, and trench coats.....away. It was frustrating. BUT, he wouldn't do with this jeans or khaki pants, or work pants. I could NEVER figure this out. He would also wear expensive leather dress shoes to weed the garden or mow the lawn, instead of going in the house and changing clothes. So, he also wrecked clothing on top of other things. The most frustrating thing is that folks with untreated ADHD tend to blame everyone else for these things happening to them. It's hard for us to comprehend, because we all KNOW when we do something wrong or even just stupid, but ADHD'ers tend to put the blame on anyone else except themselves. It's only when they begin to take OWNERSHIP of their behaviors, does this change.
The messiness on top of breaking things is also part of the behavior. I ended up picking up behind my husband like he was a toddler. He would take off his clothes and drop every and all items wherever they would land. (like a little one) He also would hang his coat on the DOOR KNOB of the coat closet. Not, put the coat INSIDE the coat closet, noo...hang it on the door knob outside the closet. He STILL does this today. I actually wore my body out, taking care of so much concerning our family. I'm now physically disabled from back pain because I wore myself OUT. Anyway.
I think I can describe his behavior like this.......Wherever his MIND is.......is not where his BODY is. It's like his body is on "autopilot", and he's moving and doing things, but he is not THINKING about whatever ACTION he is doing. It seems to be totally DISCONNECTED. He's described his racing thoughts to me many times. "I can't think of one thing at any given time"......."There's ten thoughts running through my mind at the same time". That HAS to be totally annoying, and frustrating as heck. After my husband started taking Concerta, he was able to FOCUS much better. He could even concentrate on a single item at a time. I can't even COMPREHEND what that is like. It's hard as heck to talk to him for very long, because he can't concentrate on what I'm saying. I learned to talk to him in 30 second "sound bytes". (which was disturbing to me because I felt disconnected from him and felt like he didn't care about me, or about what I thought)
Anyway, I just wanted you to know......there's a bunch of us "out here" that live this every day.
I have tried a similar experiment TWICE....both bad....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>
I've tried the "ignore" strategy when one of his disasters happens, but it never works. Not too long ago, he was on a cereal "kick," and insisted on filling up the bowl till it was on the verge of overflowing every time. The spills were CONSTANT. So, finally, I decided to stop cleaning up after him to see if he learned anything. Within a day, every floor in the apartment was COVERED in milk and cereal. It was a veritable pig sty. I wanted to hold firm, so I let it go without clearing it up. Another day passed. The smell of old milk started to get so bad that I just couldn't stand it, and so I slept in a hotel that night. When I came back, there was even more milk and cereal on the ground. He had also slipped in the milk and hit his head while I was gone (yet he kept eating the cereal!!). So, since I obviously couldn't leave him alone, I eventually cleaned up the entire putrid mess. He was also furious at me for spending the night in a hotel. Needless to say, it was a disastrous experiment.
>>>
One time H stepped on something on something outside and walked across our carpet leaving many, many, many stains....and I do mean MANY. At first he denied doing it , but the evidence was on the bottom of his shoe.
My son and I cleaned up the obvious stains (the ones in the public rooms) and he yelled at our son for "staying up late on a school night" helping me. We left the stains in our bedroom, so that HE would have to clean THOSE up. He never did. Those stains stayed for 18 months!....yes....18 months. He refused to clean them. I finally had to clean them once we were going to have company over who would have seen the stains.
I don't think any of THIS has to do with ADHD. I think all of this or most of this has to do with a Personality Disorder.
Another time H spilled red wine all throughout the house...literally...down the hall, up the stairs, against the wall, on a large picture on the wall, down another hall, into our rec room (we have a large home... I think he must have been carrying a very large bottle...he was drunk at the time...there were spills everywhere.
When I woke up and found the LONG LONG trail, I didn't say anything. I just went about my day. When my H came home he said nothing, made no effort to clean anything up.
The next morning I wake up to SCREAMING....he is yelling at me because (his words) "you didn't clean this up and you PURPOSELY didn't clean it up so that I would see the mess and feel bad." (because I guess, "feeling bad" is just the worst thing....lol....god forbid that he ever "feel bad"!!!!!
Anyway, he completely dysregulated and raged for at least 30 minutes before he had to leave for work. I was emotionally and mentally abused by the whole episode. I knew then that if I didn't clean it up there would be more hell to pay. Of course there was no Thank you after I cleaned it all up.
oh....forgot about THIS TIme.....so there were at least 3 times.....
Another time. when H was drunk he was searching the house for booze. He literally ripped off a few shelves from the pantry wall while scavenging for booze. I was out of town at the time, so H was alone.
H broke a bottle and cut his foot. Because he was drunk, he walked all over the house. When I got home 3 days later, my son walked into the house first. My son came out and said, "mom, it looks like someone was murdered in here." When I went in I saw that my son was NOT exaggerating. It looked like a crime scene.
My H had made no effort to clean any of it up.. Instead, he moved out. Yes, he moved out. and filed for divorce. lol. That just shows how mentally ill he is. He gets drunk, tears down shelves looking for booze, he breaks a bottle, cuts his foot deeply, he makes a huge mess......and then moves out and files for divorce because somehow this is my fault in his twisted brain.
No common sense
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
<< I think I can describe his behavior like this.......Wherever his MIND is.......is not where his BODY is. It's like his body is on "autopilot", and he's moving and doing things, but he is not THINKING about whatever ACTION he is doing. It seems to be totally DISCONNECTED. >>
dedelight4 -- I see this so much in my H! I try and make a "place" for everything of his, which helps a little, but I swear half of his day is searching for something he "just had" that "disappeared." He has no idea what he is doing with his body most of the time bc his mind is elsewhere.
Just the way he holds plates and glasses makes me SO anxious! I'll see food or juice or whatever reach the edge of the dish and know what is on the verge of happening, and he remains oblivious. He'll just go on talking (a.k.a. ranting). And since he is expressive with his hands when he talks, this means whatever he is holding gets tossed around with total disregard. If I ask him to be careful, he gets mad. He gets mad, and then he spills (as I predicted). And then I clean it up.
Another thing he does that makes everyone around him anxious is that he often refuses to tie his shoes. He'll walk around with these giant boot laces flapping about, and everyone near him--people that he knows and strangers alike--gets totally nervous that they will step on his laces and cause him to trip. When anyone mentions that his shoes are untied, he gets angry bc he's "sick of people telling him that." Duh, obviously he knows his shoes are untied and he likes them that way!
Everyone in his family describes him as very smart, but lacking total common sense. One time I came home from being out of town for a weekend, and found that he had tried to cook a pizza in the oven on a PLASTIC cutting board. Okay, he has a degree in chemistry, but he didn't know plastic would melt in an oven??? Nor did he attempt to clean it up. It looked like a giant octopus was living in our oven.
<< My H had made no effort to clean any of it up.. Instead, he moved out. Yes, he moved out. and filed for divorce. lol. That just shows how mentally ill he is. He gets drunk, tears down shelves looking for booze, he breaks a bottle, cuts his foot deeply, he makes a huge mess......and then moves out and files for divorce because somehow this is my fault in his twisted brain. >>
OverwhelmedWife -- I assume he didn't go through with it??
No, that was two years ago....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
That was when he was telling his family a bunch of half truths and lies so they encouraged him to move out. Later, when they realized that he's a big fat liar, they stopped talking to him. Seriously, they don't talk to him at all....at Christmas, one sibling sent him a text, that is it...and he has many siblings.
Tonight was a doozy. We had been getting along very well since last Monday. Today I had to meet our son (the one H is angry at) to get something that that son had in his car. Son and I got dinner while we chatted. H sent me a text asking me when I'd be home. I quickly sent him a text back. No answer. So, I texted again. No answer. Hmmmm. I get home and H is passed out. I feed the dogs (they were on the bed with H), and then sat with the dogs on the living room couch. About two hours later, H wakes up and starts yelling. He said that I didn't answer his text. I told him I sent two texts. He said that he didn't get either one, so I must be lying. He calls me every name. I asked to see his phone but he won't show it to me. He calls me more names and then locks himself into the bedroom door.
I know it's only going to get worse, so I start the recorder on my phone, and start gathering my things. H comes out again yelling that I am lying. I get to the front door and I ask him to keep his voice down. He continues yelling and calling me horrible names. I leave....I had forgotten that I was recording him. Later I listen to it and it's horrible. THEN I REALIZE that H had blocked my phone number last weekend, and likely never unblocked me....which is why he didn't get my text responses. I try to send him a text thru my iPad (using an online service), but I think he now has his phone off.
So, now I'm sure that is what happened. I can't go back home right now, because he's now drunk and won't listen to reason, plus he'll start destroying stuff.
Tomorrow, when he does hear the reason, he'll likely say he's sorry, but sorry isn't enough. No one should be have this way. Texts sometimes don't go thru even when not blocked.
This is part of his PD, I know. I bought another home this last week and I'm seriously thinking of just moving into it to get away from him. It's supposed to be a rental, but I may need it myself.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. God, I've
Submitted by RedEyesOnOrange... on
Ugh, I'm so sorry. God, I've been there! Sometimes my H will get mad bc I didn't respond to his texts fast enough, and I'll explain that I was DRIVING so not only did I not hear my phone, I couldn't have texted back right away bc it's dangerous! I feel like they always assume the worst -- never give you the benefit of the doubt that there might be a good reason for not texting back right away, or that maybe the text just didn't go through.
If you don't need the rent money, I would definitely keep that house as an "escape!" I would keep extra stuff there (clothes, toothbrush, phone charger, the whole works!), and just run off there whenever you needed to. I would kill for a place like that!! A safe haven.
The closest thing I have is my mom's house (I do keep stuff there), but since I don't have my own car (and she lives 30 miles away) it's not like I can go there in every emergency. So, I'm usually stuck w nearby hotels or 24 hour restaurants.
-Red
That is just plain abuse.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Overwhelmed Wife, I am just stunned with what you've been writing. Your husband's behavior is not just ADHD, or PD....it is abuse. Even with him having these disorders, it is terrible for him to treat you this way. HIs drinking is certainly making everything worse, and it's not going to get better until he stops drinking or gets help. You do not deserve to be treated this way. I have been in abusive situations, (severe abuse) and his behavior is the same. It seems like his verbal violence is increasing and are you afraid of it turning physical? Do you think the drinking could help him become physically abusive? You certainly do need a break from this.
yes, it is abuse....horrible mental and emotional abuse.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
h claims that his dad taught him to never "hit a girl", but there have been a couple of times where he has pushed me out the door and a couple other things that would be considered physical abuse.
Separated from undiagnosed ADHD (h)
Submitted by DEEDEE62 on
My H who was kind and generous fun and loving. Has always exhibited signs of ADHD. After 20 years he became emtinally void. He refuses to pay any bills, says he wans and torture me. He became unbeaarale to live with in a mater of months. He refused to be tratment or to see a doctor. We are separated now. H refuses t talk o me but he I'll text me occasionally. He blames me for everything. He's angry too I've told him that everyone sees his anger he refuses to listen.
Husband Anger
Submitted by DEEDEE62 on
We been separated. Eight months and are in divorce proceedings. He claims he does not luv me anymore but I know it's his emotional state and excessive anger he was a gentile kind man so many friends and family believe it's all my fault. I about to lose my home and will soon go to court for support.. We had twent good years with a few few bouts of unexplained behavior issues. He's fun loving too. Hes so different now I spent all those years trying to make him happy at my own expense. I have regained my confidence and I know I will be okay. But we had some good years and good memories. He has admitted to having ADHD but refuses any help and gets very angry he became emotionally and verbally as Wells as financially abusive. I know there is nothing I can do but take care of me at this point. It's very sad but true. I know he feels bad to to criticism all throughout his life. I've tried speaking with him about this but there nothing I can do.