Hello,
I am a 30 year old husband with an ADHD (Inattentive) wife. We've been married for 8 years, and have two children, a 2 year old and a newborn. I'm really struggling to cope with the condition she has, and I feel as though my attempts to cope are failing precipitously--I'm not sure how much longer I can carry on without adopting a complete policy of numbness. My wife was diagnosed with ADHD during our 2nd year of marriage, and I only read The ADHD Effect on Marriage this year. I'm still really struggling to dissect "she did this" and "the ADHD did this" when it comes to all the classic things. My wife hyper focuses on her interests, her phone, her needs, and ultimately acts very selfishly. One in a long list of examples was on Monday night--she sent our 2 year old to a neighbor's house for 3-4 hours during the day so she could sleep, and I picked him up after a long day at work. When I returned home, I took the 2 year old shopping (which is a huge challenge right now in its own right), got him and her dinner, went out of my way to get her what she wanted, and came home. I was out for several hours doing everything she asked for, and as soon as I returned, without saying anything else, she got upset because I had forgotten her condiment for dinner. It was so miniscule an issue, but she just had to zero in on it and point out a flaw, after she basically had slept away the last 6 hours of the day (the newborn sleeps really well...so we got that going for us, which is nice).
Certainly this is ADHD to some extent, but it is very hard for me to believe it is 100% the case.
The real challenge is that we've had 2 children since her diagnosis, and the majority of that time she has not been able to be medicated due to pregnancy & breastfeeding. She wants more kids, and I'm nearly certain I cannot take another 2 years of this. I've changed as a person, and not in a good way. I used to be the doting husband who would go above and beyond, try to show love any way I could, and make lots of sacrifices along the way for her. Now, I can only think about evening the score. She makes intermittent attempts to improve, and acknowledges ADHD is a real factor--but of course they cannot be sustained. I can't help but remember the years of hurt and loneliness of being a spouse of an ADHD partner, and so her little attempts to improve make no mark on me--so she retreats.
I live in a rural place where there are no ADHD therapists available--and to make matters worse, she herself is a trained therapist. Yet, she cannot seem to use anything she's learned or been trained for--its like it was all for naught. We have no family within a day's drive, and my wife tends to alienate most of her friends over time due to her ADHD. I don't have the time to make or keep friends, because I'm either working or at home with the kids--there are no breaks for me. I've broached the idea of having a regular guy's night..or something to allow me some outlet, but she just complains about the time and money it'll cost us.
I feel myself falling into a tailspin with no recovery, and I'm nervous it'll only end in total apathy, and probably divorce. This really kills me inside, because our children will suffer (as well as my wife and I)...and I cannot bear the thought of my weakness causing a lifetime of difficulty for them...but that doesn't lessen the pain and hurt.
I welcome any and all suggestions...anything is better than this.
Your post breaks my heart, cause I know of what you speak...
Submitted by c ur self on
All the things you say about self absorbed behavior, hyper focus, the blurting out complaints when you are serving her....That is just how it is with my wife also, who is a severe add...I will give you a few tips that has helped me....
First deal with your own emotional state...Do not be afraid to get counseling for yourself....Keep your focus on your children and your responsibilities as a husband...Something my counselor told me was...You are not responsible for her, you are only responsible to her, the be a faithful loving husband...So, try to not focus on what she is or isn't doing, and let your emotions get messed up...Or, make excuses for her because of add...She is a big girl, and she needs to be accountable just like you...
I would not have any more kids if I were you...Based on what you are saying about your wife....I suggest you keep your world as small and safe as possible. Because the reality of this behavior my never change and because I live with the same type stuff, I know how intrusive her behavior is and how chaotic a day can be.
My wife sets and thinks up things she wants us to do like traveling here and traveling there. I tried many time to be the loving husband and go along with her fun trips..But, she hyper- focuses on the trip or what ever is on her mind, and it's like I don't exist. So it usually ended bad...It was basically just being a compliant door mate!...My money and I'm suppose to do all the work, while she focuses on the fun...I was a terrible enabler, and it almost cost me my marriage...Because of all the anger and bitterness I've had to deal with.
Most of the responsibility at home would not get taken care of if I didn't do it....So do not let her find projects for you, do not let her talk you into unwise decisions that you will end up regretting....Do not be afraid to calmly say no...Calmly being the key word when speaking...It's OK to for her to be mad at you for not being able to lead you into unwise choices'..That's much better than how you will feel about the alternative!
When you are married to a person who blurts out negativity or selfish and thoughtless comments...You have to let them own it by walking away and not engaging her or commenting. It's the only therapy I've found that works...Its not my junk...It's hers...So, just walk away and laugh...If she's anything like my wife...If you try to defend yourself it never ends well...Because of blindness, blame and denial....
I almost ran myself to death trying to meet all her wants, and do my job and manage the house...Most all her money goes for her personal wants, she can't get rid of junk...it's better now, because I set up boundaries. And I'm nicer! You will be nicer also if you set up boundaries, and do not enable....If you see a train wreck coming...Let it happen!
Happy New Year!
Helps to know I'm not the only one...
Submitted by WhistlingCaruso on
I'm learning a lot about how to be more assertive--I've never been the most assertive person, and this certainly forces it out of me...its just hard to be assertive while trying not to be mean (because of the aforementioned hurt/resentment). I will do my best to heed your advice to enact more firm boundaries.
My heart goes out to you.
Submitted by triedandtrue on
My heart goes out to you. Please put on your own life mask first by getting a supportive counselor for yourself and, if necessary, prescribed medication to help you weather your wife's behaviors. Do not self-medicate with alcohol or other drugs at this time. Some counselors telecommute. Try to get regular exercise, to help reduce your stress. Your wife’s behaviors sound like 100% ADHD to me, by the way, not moral lapses.
Second, focus on your children. Your wife's care alone in their very early years may have to suffice, but given her symptoms, you need to plan for supplemental care (daycare, preschool) by the time each child turns 3 or so. Calm, consistent care and instruction by trained professionals can help your children counteract the effects of your wife's untrammeled ADHD. This is not cold-hearted toward your wife, whose ADHD symptoms may have exploded under the weight of parental responsibilities and who is exhausted caring for a new infant and toddler. Supplementing your wife's childcare now (see Fourth, below) and in future will prepare for all your futures. Also, at least one of your children probably inherited her ADHD and will need support all his or her life. See CosmicJoke's recent excellent post about getting educational support for her ADHD children.
Third, job out as much as you can afford in order to lighten your own load. Right now, a part-time "nanny" (a recent high-school graduate perhaps) several times a week could help your wife keep on track and get dinner preparation underway before you arrive home. Have someone else do the routine cleaning and outside chores, if possible. These are added expenses but you are carrying the full weight of your household and are in danger of breaking down. Reach out to family, maybe, for help paying for some things.
Do not engage in lots of discussion with your wife about the costs of a nanny or preschool. Simply state the "nanny" is to help her; if she tends to lose her temper, let her outburst about the expense wash over you. Arrange for a babysitter on your guys' night out or other activities necessary for your emotional and mental health.
Fourth, and yes this is yet another set of tasks on your plate but as you know so well, if you don't do something it doesn't get done in your household: Get your wife to her doctor as soon as possible to discuss a post-pregnancy shift from breast-feeding to formula and a return to ADHD meds. A couple of months of nursing is a great benefit to a child, but additional time is a luxury your family probably cannot afford. Stay involved in communication with her doctor; maybe her meds need to be reworked. Consider an ADHD coach/behavioral counselor for your wife and keep tabs on the coach; many telecommute or skype; avoid coaches who themselves have ADHD. The coach should set your wife up with schedules, lists, etc. (Read Gina Pera's excellent book "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD," as well as Russell Barkley and Thomas E. Brown, for reasons why you need to initiate all of this.)
Some therapists, and posters on this column, might say that after you've done all these things, your marriage may well improve enough for you to be true partners. Don't feel a failure if that doesn't happen for you. In your case, I'm not so sure it would work out or even be advisable to try for a lot longer. From your post, it sounds as though your wife has had major problems even when medicated. Even if, with consistent medication and coaching, some of her behaviors might moderate (keeping to a schedule, completing tasks), you are still staring potentially at decades of low motivation and self-awareness, poor empathy, and self-centeredness. You strike me as exhausted and traumatized, with a long recovery time needed. And you have your children to think about.
A lot of men with ADHD wives used to stick around because of the likelihood that courts would award primary custody to the mother. It is different today. So:
Fifth, divorce is an option that you should plan for; not necessarily follow through on, but consider carefully for the sake of you and your kids. Do not mention divorce to your wife. If you've already done so in the heat of the moment, don't talk about it again. Anyway, fear of divorce usually doesn’t motivate an ADHDer for long. Document all her behaviors, note dates and times, and keep your notes private.
Best wishes to you.
Thank you...Lots to Digest
Submitted by WhistlingCaruso on
I appreciate your time and what you've written..,there is a lot that rings very true and I'm grateful you spent your time helping out a stranger! I would've liked to respond sooner...but in addition to everything I mentioned in my first post, my 4 week old is now in the hospital with a fever and no indication what is causing it. They're ruled out the usual nasties, so now we're looking at more grim possibilities.
I don't have much more to add to the discussion at this point, other than I will be reading and re-reading your post for time to come--I feel like there is some hope now. Hopefully I can post an update to the situation once things settle down.
I hope your baby is OK!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I hope your baby is OK!
How are things with you and your family?
Submitted by triedandtrue on
WhistlingCaruso, I hope your baby is doing better. And that things are improving in your marriage as well.
I hope your baby is ok!
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Do not have more kids with this woman.
You do need to try to help the marriage get back on track for the sake of the kids and yourself.
I think your wife is now also suffering from post partum depression, along with ADHD.
let us know how things go with the baby.
prayers!