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It's a life that starts out calling it "I care", (which it is, usually)...It's a life that wants to make all things right, in their own eye's, (which is usually classified as normal for the most part)...Even though they do not have that power...It's a life lived with heavy burdens, burdens that are not readily perceivable by extended family, or co-workers, only the closest of friends might pickup own the weight we are under....There's a costly price for this co dependent life style, mentally, physically and emotionally...But we trudge along, ignoring the red flags until we can't any longer, we break, and we will break...
Most of the verbal conflict in the marriage relationship is started by this person...They take and take and ignore (may talk to themselves in an attempt to make sense of their lives) and pickup behind until they fall out of touch with reality, just enough to think their pointing out the lack of responsibility will some how (this time) change the enabled person, who's attitude's and life style is built around denial, and they are professionals at flipping things and blaming...A mind who is void of ownership and the effects their existence has on a spouse...(and children)....
This is the life of a person who ends up in divorce, (which may be the only answer they see) or living as a damaged victim...The wise one's will turn to boundaries, and allow others to suffer the consequence's of their own actions...They will learn to be the fly on the wall, and watch growth, awareness and responsibility levels increase, due to the pain inflicted on the enabled (user) by boundaries...And in many cases the relationship will slowly begin to heal, along with their own hearts and minds...
I personally found that my comfort, and my accountability was, and is, in the Christ, and the heavenly Father...
The thing a non spouse needs to internalize is that you cannot expect change from someone who is unwilling. Once you realize what the problem is you must either accept the mess, rsd, hoarding and try to fill up your own life, which is essentially living by yourself in a celibate way, or move on. The likelihood is very low that adhd spouse will start pitching in and miraculously become a 50/50 or even a 70/30 partner. Boundaries help to some extent, some stay because they claim love or religious obligation. Accepting that there will be no change in spouse is being realistic and making the decision to move on should not be viewed in a negative way.. No one should beat themselves up because they decided that they want more out of life than slogging through the daily grind without the help of an able-bodied spouse upon whom many boundaries have been established, and still do not help. Take the focus off of them and work on yourself. You may get a clearer picture of your future when you take a step back and see them for who they are now and not the person you first met. That person was an illusion.
I feel like those who leave or divorce should not be thought of as failing in their relationships. Rather they should be celebrated as taking a healthy stance for themselves and their children. I believe that nobody can truly be happy tied to a person who refuses to help themselves, no matter how many boundaries they put in place. If one stays in a dysfunctional relationship, what kind of role model are they setting for their children? Being a martyr because of religious obligations is a very sad life indeed. A marriage should be a partnership. If you have to take separate vacations, separate your finances, live in separate bedrooms, never sharing experiences, never having someone you can trust or rely upon for basic things, it's not a marriage... it's more like sacrificing your happiness and mental health for a life long babysitting obligation.
https://web.archive.org/web
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
https://web.archive.org/web/20110821143541/http://addresources.org/?q=no...
Thank you for sharing, this
Submitted by Exhausting on
Thank you for sharing, this was very enlightening.
My goodness
Submitted by Elliej on
This is like reading about me. Im.so sad, i feel like ive wasted my life
I've lived this life....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's a life that starts out calling it "I care", (which it is, usually)...It's a life that wants to make all things right, in their own eye's, (which is usually classified as normal for the most part)...Even though they do not have that power...It's a life lived with heavy burdens, burdens that are not readily perceivable by extended family, or co-workers, only the closest of friends might pickup own the weight we are under....There's a costly price for this co dependent life style, mentally, physically and emotionally...But we trudge along, ignoring the red flags until we can't any longer, we break, and we will break...
Most of the verbal conflict in the marriage relationship is started by this person...They take and take and ignore (may talk to themselves in an attempt to make sense of their lives) and pickup behind until they fall out of touch with reality, just enough to think their pointing out the lack of responsibility will some how (this time) change the enabled person, who's attitude's and life style is built around denial, and they are professionals at flipping things and blaming...A mind who is void of ownership and the effects their existence has on a spouse...(and children)....
This is the life of a person who ends up in divorce, (which may be the only answer they see) or living as a damaged victim...The wise one's will turn to boundaries, and allow others to suffer the consequence's of their own actions...They will learn to be the fly on the wall, and watch growth, awareness and responsibility levels increase, due to the pain inflicted on the enabled (user) by boundaries...And in many cases the relationship will slowly begin to heal, along with their own hearts and minds...
I personally found that my comfort, and my accountability was, and is, in the Christ, and the heavenly Father...
many blessings
c
Stay or go
Submitted by adhd32 on
The thing a non spouse needs to internalize is that you cannot expect change from someone who is unwilling. Once you realize what the problem is you must either accept the mess, rsd, hoarding and try to fill up your own life, which is essentially living by yourself in a celibate way, or move on. The likelihood is very low that adhd spouse will start pitching in and miraculously become a 50/50 or even a 70/30 partner. Boundaries help to some extent, some stay because they claim love or religious obligation. Accepting that there will be no change in spouse is being realistic and making the decision to move on should not be viewed in a negative way.. No one should beat themselves up because they decided that they want more out of life than slogging through the daily grind without the help of an able-bodied spouse upon whom many boundaries have been established, and still do not help. Take the focus off of them and work on yourself. You may get a clearer picture of your future when you take a step back and see them for who they are now and not the person you first met. That person was an illusion.
Absolutely adhd32
Submitted by sickandtired on
I feel like those who leave or divorce should not be thought of as failing in their relationships. Rather they should be celebrated as taking a healthy stance for themselves and their children. I believe that nobody can truly be happy tied to a person who refuses to help themselves, no matter how many boundaries they put in place. If one stays in a dysfunctional relationship, what kind of role model are they setting for their children? Being a martyr because of religious obligations is a very sad life indeed. A marriage should be a partnership. If you have to take separate vacations, separate your finances, live in separate bedrooms, never sharing experiences, never having someone you can trust or rely upon for basic things, it's not a marriage... it's more like sacrificing your happiness and mental health for a life long babysitting obligation.
I agree with adhd32 and
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with adhd32 and sickandtired.