Denial...our problems are all your fault, it's not my ADHD!

Thanks to all

I have spent the last few hours reading some very insightful thoughts and messages and am very grateful.

I am going to celebrate by husbands 53rd birthday today, we have been together 7 years and he suffers from ADHD.  He won't take medication, doesn't like the way it makes him feel and so he chews tobacco which "evens him out".  He was clinically diagnosed with ADHD and my depression and sadness comes from his ANGER and the fact that he believes everything wrong in our relationship is my fault.  I'm a b****, selfish and fat (I could afford to lose 20-30 pounds) but no one in my life other than my husband has called me fat and we don't have sex because my fat disgusts him.  I have never been so angry before in my life, I have stooped to his level so all we do is YELL at each other.  I am a very pleasant person normally, have people that love me, everyone I know enjoys my company, an a good listener but I have become someone else with my husband.  My husband has two personality.  The fun loving, outgoing, flirtatious man in front of acquaintances and strangers and a very anger, hurtful man with me.  This behavior makes me even more anger, why do I get the "mean" man and strangers get the "awesome" guy... he hides his illness from strangers well.

He has had anger control issues since day one, so I did put myself in this spot willingly, thinking I could help him (I am a nurse) but now I know I have to get a handle on this.  I am glad I found this forum, it may help me deal with and give me suggestions as to what I should do next.  So this is my question...how do I give this website to my husband as a birthday gift in a way that he will not get defensive, angry and MAD that I am once again blaming him and his ADHD (always defensive)?

Narcissistic defense to levy criticism (symptom of ADHD)  "A mother who is busy and inattentive to her child, for example, if she is protecting a grandiose vision of herself as an exemplary mother, will meet a child's demands not with the explanation that she is busy and unwilling or unable to give attention at the moment, but with attributions that the child is selfish, immature, too demanding, or whatever. The child is made the flawed object in the service of avoiding realistic limitations and imperfections in the mother's self".

 

 

 

Forums: 

that's a tough one...

I am defensive- and I can imagine that if your DH is anything like me, it will be hard to find a way to give this to him.

My thoughts? Don't give him this as a birthday gift. That's not likely to go over well, even if you intend it as a real gift. Give him something for himself- maybe a lovely case for his chewing tobacco- something to show that you really care about him and love him as he is (even if that last part is a little bit strained)...

Let the birthday pass with just celebrating him and doing your best to keep it pleasant and fun. Otherwise you risk really ruining the birthday.

Present this website on another occasion. Maybe a few days after the birthday or a few days before- but reserve the birthday for no judgment and no suggestions to fix himself...

 

 

masmam1's picture

Birthday

I agree.  I'm the non here.  I would find that insulting if I received something like this, even if it came with good intentions.

I've told my DH about this site.  Guess what, he wasn't interested in the slightest.

Good luck,