I've stepped away from this site for several days and decided to look back at some old posts from some others. I did not want to comment on a post from a year ago because I wanted to revisit history in the present.
The 'Smirk' discussion was brought up as I have brought it up too as a sore spot in my relationship. I would like to reiterate that this does absoutely suck having this problem. I will say that since I've last posted on this site, my wife and I did have a 'talk'. I did not smirk once and I'm happy to say that I was able to contribute to the conversation. But I digress...
So where's the proof of progress? The answer may not be complicated, but my recent diagnosis means that it will be.
- My wife has recently mentioned to me that she feels like she doesn't know me anymore. Sounds okay because I've been working very hard on learning to cope, but considering the conversation we were having I will take that as a not very good thing.
That's all I've got.
A friend of my wife asked me the other day if there was something on my mind that I wanted to talk about. This took me by suprise because I figured my wife was bottling all her issues with me inside. Well.....for some reason I felt compelled to say something and I feel like poop for having done so. I love my wife and I will do all that I can to be the best I can for her, but I can't help but feel terrible for saying anything at all to her friend. I want help badly because I can't shake the feeling that I'm losing the fight and I don't know if her friend is the much needed help I'm hopeing for. I do not want her to get involved in the middle of this, because it's not fair to her or my wife and has potential to become very bad for me.
She told me that I'm a really nice guy and that if I ever needed to talk that I could ask her. My wife has been helping her through a very tough time and I know that she wants to help my wife just as much in return. So I opened up a little and told her that I believe in my heart of hearts that my undiagnosed ADD has played a huge role in the downfall of my marriage. My discovery of the recent diagnosis is making it easier for me to recognize when things would bother me or get me sparked up. My wife could not hear us talking in the evironment we were in, but I caught a quick scan of her and I think she had an idea. She's been distant again ever since. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I can't shake the feeling that I crossed a line. I'm just so desperate for help, any insight into my wife's mind. It's excrutiating going through each day and the love of your life is silent and doesn't talk. Even on meds I can sometimes find myself stressing about whether or not she's thinking "today will be the day I tell him I'm done".
Look I know she's angry and there's a lot of resentment. I know that I can't wash away the hurt in a month, but I also can't wash away my hurt. I've done this to her and I never wanted to. That hurts. Not seeing an end to her frustration....... torture.
June 19th. The last time she told me she loved me. I've never forgotten it because it shattered me. I knew that night I was not being good enough for her. I can be, but I often wonder if I'm losing hope because I sometimes ask myself - when? When will I have earned a hug? A kiss? A "You look nice today"? I feel so selfish to even ask anything from her, but all I've got sometimes is my belief. I sometimes catch myself wondering if I'm going to lose faith in my efforts. I've been working on my marriage for 1 year now, but only for the last 10 months have I really found some direction, but 2 months towards actual progress with myself.
I've posted about how I know how my wife feels about me because I see her in her sleep and she sometimes would lean in and face me. She's back to sleeping with her back to me every night. The only thing I can think of that I've really changed recently is telling her every night that I love her and goodnight. I find myself wondering if I should ease off for a while because of this and the fact that it sometimes feels like she's looking for reasons to not be home in the evenings.
If I could see an end to her frustration or even get a sign from her that I'm doing okay, I would relive this journey 100x over. I feel I'm a better person for having gotten the opportunity to find a major fault of mine and work to fix it. But i miss her and sometimes the loneliness of not being able to just hug her can be very hurtful.